PhD in Being Me

Tag: self-care

  • This is Me

    A photo of Bradlee and her dog Maggie snuggled up on the couch.
    Me, first thing in the morning, with beautiful Maggie

    I wrote the poem below in April 2021. It is still so valid and really represents my journey in working towards a PhD in Being Me. It is very raw and vulnerable and makes me feel so proud of myself and how far I have come. May it inspire you too! xoxoxoxo

    This is Me – a poem

    Here I am
Burst open
Coming apart at the seams
Feeling emotional, happy, destroyed and broken
All at once
 
This is me
For years and years
I have tried to manage myself
Control myself
Force myself
Perfect myself
And all along
I was there
Waiting patiently under the surface
To be loved, seen, heard, valued and treasured
Just as I am
 
Here I am
Me
Anxious me
Sensitive me
Cautious me
Daring me
Chip eating and coke drinking me
The me who swears
The me who gets passionate about injustice
The me who is always trying to do the right thing because I care so much
The me who is so beautiful inside and out
Here I am
Me
 
I have stopped trying to compartmentalize me
Stopped trying to understand myself as a concept that can never be taught or mastered
But can only be lived as me
Holding my own hand from the inside out
Smiling at myself through all of my weaknesses and strengths
And moving forward anyway
Even if the way I feel, think, act and am isn’t in line with the vision of the perfect person I have nearly killed myself to be.
 
What if I’m just me
Exactly as I am
Just as I am
No more, no less
Just me?
 
I think it would be liberating and it would help me end the endless cycles of abuse I’ve been swirling in.
Today, I dare to do this.
Today, I hug myself instead of berate myself.
Today, I honor my battle scars and I tend to my wounds.
Today, I stop trying to be anyone other than me.
Today, I am just as I am.
 
With every breath I take, may I anchor greater personal freedom, liberation and acceptance for myself, for my family and for the wellbeing and evolution of all.
May you be blessed with the courage, strength and gentleness to be you, exactly you, just as you are.
I am with you, doing my best and being vulnerable as the beautiful, sweet soul I am and may you feel loved, just as you are.


    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Giving myself time

    A sunset behind trees covered with ice and snow.

    I love this image. I took it at sunset a few weeks ago. It reminds me that there is a lot of beauty in the day’s transitions. Here is another of a sunrise from the front of my house.

    These two images remind me that the sun doesn’t rush it’s rising or setting. Nor does it seem to judge what’s going on in the sky while it is going through those transitions. It just is. And it’s always perfect and beautiful. So, how can I translate this wisdom to myself?

    Lately, I have been dealing with big feelings on and off. I’ve loved it because I am learning to allow myself space and time to be with my feelings. This is the opposite approach I used to take. It’s uncomfortable to be with some of these big feelings but it is also so liberating. I understand that they are here for a reason and that it is okay for me to sit with them, to just be with them. The other important thing I am learning is that I am okay even though I am feeling them. That is a big win.

    So, these feelings are like a slow and glorious sunrise. There are different phases of a gorgeous sunrise. At first the sky gently starts to lighten. The sky may then explode into bursts of color, or highlight the underside of the clouds like in the second photo. Then the sun itself emerges over the horizon and creates this magnificent light and it feels like the world is celebrating. Afterwards, the sun continues to rise and bring us light and warmth (can you tell it’s winter here?).

    I am seeing that my feelings have phases too. Sometimes they let me know they are there because I feel uncomfortable in my belly or chest. Other times, they explode and I feel them in my body and it’s like there is a shaking or a rumbling inside me. Occasionally it takes me a few days or weeks of my feelings rising and setting within me to understand their purpose and messages. That is what’s been going on for the past 3 weeks or so. The message in my feelings became clear to me on my walk this morning. It was perfect and beautiful and brought me much relief, even though I hadn’t liked feeling this way.

    I also started understanding that being uncomfortable with these big feelings wasn’t wrong, it was like the feelings were incubating within me before they could burst out like a glorious sunrise and share their inspiration with me. I had to watch and feel those feelings set every night with the sun and know that they would rise again with the sun until I was ready.

    Gosh, it is so freeing to understand myself and my feelings better. It feels so good to be making some sense of my life’s rhythms instead of constantly thinking I should be better at being happy all the time. I am a human. I have rhythms, I am affected by the winds of change within and around me, and that is a gift. I would rather be in sync with the rhythms on our beautiful planet than hold myself to some rigid expectations and suffer as a result.

    May you all be blessed with so much ease, light and grace as you learn and explore your own natural rhythms too. With every breath you take, may you write beautiful treaties of peace with yourself, your feelings, your body, mind, heart and soul. Big hugs!

    Scrabble tiles that spell the word love with a red heart next to it.
    Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Walking Together

    Photo of a pumpkin carved into a heart, with a candle inside.
    My first heart pumpkin, it felt so right to put some love out on Halloween!

    Walking Together – a poem

    Hello my darling one,

    I feel that my whole energy field is jangled and that there is a sensitivity on my skin because my nervous system is all out of whack.

    How can I best help you dearest one? 

    You are so important to me, more than important than anything.

    You matter to me like the Earth needs the sun and rain.

    You matter to me like my inhalations and exhalations.

    There is no me without you and I’m wondering how you are doing?

    This is a really big change, a huge one.  It’s one that used to shatter me into many pieces and it feels like that is happening again.

    Oh, ya?  Is that right? The shattering isn’t necessarily a bad thing?  How is this shattering helping me do you think?

    It’s giving me a chance to align myself differently with the world?  To position myself from a place of confidence and authority, those positions that I have learned about and explored over the past several years?

    Hmmm, that makes sense.  What do you think I need to do to nurture myself during this shattering?

    Breathe in confidence and breathe out doubt.  Breathe in all the beauty that I am and smile for all that I thought I was that is now in millions of pieces on the ground.

    Go outside, lay on the snow and smile and breathe deeply.

    Here I am, I am here.  As beautiful and vulnerable and cute as ever, but with a greater connection to myself and what matters to me.

    Here I am, I am here, regardless of whether our foster dog is anxious, abused and recovering or not.  

    Here I am, I am here, precious, sensitive and in need of care.

    Here I am, breaking the cycles of abuse within me and around me by daring to turn within to nurture myself and be with myself while I am processing, discovering, thriving and struggling. 

    Here I am.

    I am here.

    May I always be here for myself with every breath I take. 

    Note from me about this poem:

    I wrote this poem in December 2022 shortly after we welcomed a new dog into our family. He was a stray dog and he had a lot of anxiety and trauma. I was completely overwhelmed by his needs at first and I wrote this poem to help me process what I was feeling. Lately, life has been giving me opportunities to approach circumstances differently than I used to. I felt very much like this was one of those times, but I wasn’t sure how to approach anything differently. Writing this helped me connect to that fear and overwhelm and gave my maturity a chance to rise up from the scattered pieces of myself to guide me. I love reading this again, it helps me. May we all be blessed with inspiration about how we can best help, guide, and support ourselves! Big hugs!! xoxoxo Bradlee

    A blue sky with the sun hidden by misty clouds low in the sky.
    This photo reminds me of my wisdom and maturity coming up from within me, just like the sun rising above those beautiful clouds. This photo is from a gorgeous morning in Kemptville.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Finding confidence

    An image of a sun rising from over the mountains.
    Photo by Konevi on Pexels.com

    The theme of my last few weeks has been finding confidence.

    Finding my:

    • self-confidence
    • ability to be confident and clear with others
    • inner confidence to live my life like I own it from the inside out.

    The whole purpose of my blog is to share my journey with becoming an expert in being me, and this theme of finding confidence is a big part of me getting a Phd In Being Me.

    In some ways, I am so very confident and capable and in other ways, I am very small, frightened, unsure and easily overwhelmed. I have these parts of me and they each interact with life in different ways. I have experienced both these last few weeks, so the difference between them has been rather eye-opening.

    In December, I had an appointment with a therapist who told me that I am coming into my power after many years of being anxious and disempowered. She told me that it will take some time for me to become more confident and more able to use my voice to speak up more of the time. She also told me to not hit myself over the head with a big 2 by 4 when I’m not able to interact with the world from an empowered, confident place. She asked me to practice being patient with myself; that is something I have reminded myself of often and it really does help.

    Last week, I felt my power and confidence emanating out of me. It was really special and wonderful to feel that way. I remember really finding that confidence during a walk I went on with our dogs. I was initially overwhelmed by how much our dogs were pulling on the leash during a walk. I then remembered that I am in charge and I don’t need to stay stuck in my default of being overpowered. Once I remembered that, my energy changed so much and I felt truly confident. My walk transformed from a battle into one of ease, excitement and enjoyment. It was so eye-opening and inspiring. The dogs can totally feel when I am in my disempowered place versus my empowered place and they respond to me accordingly. I really enjoyed experiencing so much more of my life last week from that empowered and strong place. I felt like I could accomplish anything and that I had a lot more strength within my heart, mind and body.

    This week, I have been feeling more easily overwhelmed and not confident at all. I have bursts of confidence that have come through but it definitely has been only a small portion of the time. It is really fascinating and I’m grateful for how much more loving, patient and compassionate I am with myself now. It seems like I can’t always control whether I can live life from a confident place, but I sure can choose how I respond to the overwhelmed and disempowered parts of me. Lately, I have been telling them how much I love them, how important they are to me and thanking them for coming forward to share their pain with me. That always helps and allows me to give myself the love that I so crave when I’m not at my most confident or empowered.

    It’s funny because if I had written this post last week when I was feeling very confident and empowered, it would have been very different. I guess this is the day I was meant to write it! I will make an effort to write again on a day when I feel super awesome so I can capture the difference.

    With every word you read today, may you bring peace, harmony, unity and love to all the beautiful parts of you, no matter how good or bad they feel.

    Thanks for reading! xoxoxoox

    Bradlee

    ps. I updated my poetry book page with a video of me reading a poem from the book. I invite you to check it out!

  • Some things take time – my first poetry book and a new poem

    Book cover image. Title of book, "From My Heart to Yours, poems to support you in times of grief, loss and transition." Includes image of a beautiful field with the sky and clouds.

    I have been writing poetry for several years now. Writing has helped and guided me through periods of massive personal growth. It has also helped me learn to connect with myself and learn to become an expert in taking care of myself.

    I kept my writing in a drawer for quite awhile. When I slowly and shyly started sharing it with others, I started understanding how powerful my words were. And how they contained so much healing and acceptance.

    I am so grateful to be able to transform my life experiences into poetry; lately I have been feeling the depth of my poetry’s alchemy. I feel its power to help heal, guide and validate others and I am humbled and grateful. And so, I am sharing the exciting news that I have published my first book of poems about grief, loss and transition. I am donating the proceeds to the Beth Donovan Hospice to thank them for all they did for me after my mom passed unexpectedly in February 2019. It is my hope that it brings peace, comfort and healing to all those who need it 💕. I invite you to learn more here:

    Poetry Book

    I offer this new poem in honor of you and all the pain, heartache, grief and loss it has included. It is dedicated to my beautiful friend Carla ❤️. She has inspired me to know that no matter how agonizingly slow my personal growth and ability to self-love have seemed, it is okay. Some things take time.

    Some things take time

    “We don’t judge a fetus in utero for how long it takes until it is ready to be born.
    We don’t rush a flower to hurry up and bloom while the petals are still forming.
    We don’t expect a toddler to write a PhD thesis or to be able to drive a car.

    So why do we rush ourselves through our healing?
    Why do we judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at?

    Some things take time. 
    The exact amount of time until they are ready, not because they are slow, doing anything wrong or broken.
    But just because that’s the amount of time they need.

    If you are frustrated, angry or overwhelmed by the length, depth and breadth of your healing journey, I am with you.
    I have felt like this for the last 10 years.
    What I woke up this morning with is this,
    ‘Some things take time.’
    I feel like there is so much truth in that.

    Maybe if we can be with ourselves and sit in our discomfort and pain, we wouldn’t judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at.
    Maybe if our culture didn’t value doing over being, we would all expect a long period of healing in our lives and we would know that some things take time.
    Whatever the reasons, what matters is this:
    You are valid no matter what is going on in your life.
    You matter even if you have been in a tough spot for what feels like 100 years too long.
    You are a precious treasure even if you feel as worthless as the gum under a school desk or as gross as poop stuck to a shoe.
    You are special even if you have been crying, yelling, grieving, hating or fearing for longer than you ever wanted to.
    With each breath you take today and every day, may all cycles of abuse within your life and those around you be completely healed and resolved.
    With every judgement, may you love yourself more than ever before.
    With every moment you choose to be instead of do, may our societal expectations of value from doing be completely healed and transformed.

    Some things take time.
    You are worthy of all the time you need.
    Breathe in and know, you matter.
    Take your time dear one, take your time.”

    Thanks for reading. I love and honor you exactly as you are. Some things take time, even publishing poetry books, writing blogs, or having the strength to become an expert in yourself. I super get it and I am with you!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved

  • Victimhood

    Photo by Dmitriy Ganin on Pexels.com
    Victimhood - a poem

Hello victimized one

Hello to the one who feels like a perpetual victim

Hello to the one who is waiting to be a victim

Hello to the one who can no longer discern between a threat and a strong personality

Hello to the one who senses that there are additional boundaries to put up but doesn’t know what they are or how to find them

Hello to the one who so desperately wants everything to be okay so they don’t have to feel so unsafe

Hello to the one who wants someone from the outside to be our chief validator, someone who can say “you are doing great” and “you are perfect just the way you are”

Someone to say, “it’s okay if you’ve gained weight, it doesn’t make you any less of a person”

Someone to say “I totally see the good you do each day and yes, sometimes life doesn’t seem fair, and I applaud you anyway”

Someone to say “yes, things about your life suck sometimes and things are quite frustrating”

Someone who says “you are valid even if you feel like shit or feel like an angry raging beast”

Someone who says “I am always with you, I am your eternal companion and witness and you are never alone”

Someone who can gently lift up my chin and turn my gaze towards myself, the beautiful, tender, sensitive one that I am, and who says, you don’t have to look any farther than this, you are loved

Hello you

I see you

I honor you

I love you

I love you through your struggles, through your molting, through your fears, through your internal imprisonment

Rise up my dear one, you really are so committed to your life, to yourself and to getting stronger

May you always hear my voice from within, honoring and praising you  

May you know that I am always with you, loving you, cheering you on and rooting for you

May you feel and know your power
    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    Note about this poem: I have related to life like a victim for as long as I can remember. This poem was my way of owning that perspective and then finding more strength within me than I knew was there.

    To all people who are victims or survivors, I honor you. I see you. I am with you and I love you. May we all rise up and find internal safety and healing. May that safety radiate out from within us to keep us and others safe wherever we walk in our lives.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Trusting myself

    Sometimes I wonder how I got to be 42 and I’m only now deepening my trust in myself. Other times, I understand exactly how I am at this place. The most important point I’d like to make is that it is a huge accomplishment and blessing that I now trust myself. After a lifetime of second guessing myself and looking to others to know what’s in my best interests, I am feeling much more confident.

    What does trusting myself look like in every day life? Here are some examples:

    • following my intuition (my gut) even when people are giving me advice that is contrary to those feelings
    • knowing that I belong to myself, so that no matter where I go, I will be with myself, I will fit in and I will belong
    • trusting in my ability to make healthy and wise choices for myself instead of only following advice that is on a blog, in a book, on Facebook or from a friend or family member

    Now that I am more connected to who I am (and really, who I’ve always been), I am able to understand how little I trusted or believed in myself. I have been learning to tend the garden of my mind, heart, body and soul, and I am acquiring the skills I need to be my own eternal and precious gardener. I see now that I am the master gardener, even if I sometimes only feel like a beginner or intermediate gardener.

    I have committed to making my garden more cared for, tended and weeded. I can see, feel and sense the huge difference these last few years of care have made to my eternal garden. I wrote a poem called The Eternal Gardener for a friend of mine a few years ago. I thought it was for him and about him, but I always had this funny feeling that I was missing the mark. As I’ve been writing this post, I understand that it is really for me, from the deepest part of me to the part of me who forget herself and didn’t know how to trust herself.

    I am often humbled by the enormity of the wisdom and light that comes out of my fingertips as I type and from my mouth when I speak, and this is a time for me to truly trust that wisdom and light and acknowledge it in a more grateful and empowered way. This sentence really highlights the whole point of getting a PhD in Being Me and I truly hope that by reading this blog you are more empowered to become an expert if yourself too.

    I share this poem with all of you, from the depth of my heart and soul to the depth of yours. With every word you read of this poem, may it help facilitate, nurture and strengthen your trust and connection to the awesomeness you are, and have always been. With so much love, Bradlee.

    The Eternal Gardener

    I want you to know yourself as I know you;

    As the breath that we all breathe,

    As the song in the wind,

    As the light that warms our planet,

    As the balm that heals all wounds.

    I want you to know yourself as I see you;

    With all of the glory, beauty and purity of

    God’s holy name that whispers

    in each and every heartbeat.

    Your words are like magic as they weave through my being,

    neatly and tidily collecting all suffering and carrying it home to Heaven.

    You are a gift to all who meet you and I honour you.

    I honour that you need time to realize your beauty and divinity

    and that it is only my role to notice and compliment your gifts.

    It will be up to you to dance your dance,

    and to sing your song,

    with no judgement,

    thought of worthiness or

    regard for embarrassment.

    I will wait for you and I will be with you,

    to love you and encourage you, dearest gardener, as you plant

    your own seeds of love. 

    May you watch them grow

    and may you learn how to nourish them

    as you so effortlessly do for the souls you encounter.

    Take your time, dear gardener and tend your own

    precious garden and I will be here to rejoice with you

    as you watch the blossoming unfold.

    I will be here to shine my sunlight

    and offer some drops of my own water,

    should you ever need it.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • When I “should” myself instead of going with joy

    I mentioned in a previous post that I am off work for 5 weeks. I finally gave myself permission to ask for this leave because I knew I really needed it! I am incredibly grateful to have been supported in my request for this type of leave (leave with income averaging).

    This time off has given me a chance to learn more about myself and the topic of this post is choosing from a place of “shoulding” myself instead of what brings me joy.

    Have you ever done that? Thought to yourself, “I could read this amazing book in the bath, but I think I should work on my mental health instead.” I have done things like that countless times while I’ve been off. I think being off has helped me to realize what I have been doing.

    Choosing from a place of “should” is like an obligation. There is very little joy or pleasure to be found when doing something from that place. In fact, I’ve seen how much it throws me off when I do that. This morning, I had two choices for how I was going to spend my time, and I was thinking that watching a fun movie would be great. Then, I started “shoulding” myself and I was planning how I could “better” spend my time. That’s when it hit me! Choosing what brings me joy is always the right choice.

    For example, if I’m exhausted and I still have to clean up the kitchen, choosing to rest for 15 minutes and read a book that makes me happy is the right choice. After those 15 minutes, I’ll be filled with more peace, ease and contentment and washing the dishes won’t be such a chore and obligation.

    I invite you to join me to experiment with this concept and to write me a comment or contact me to share what you’ve experienced. If you’re already a professional joy chooser, I would also love to hear from you. How did you come to choose joy? Did you always choose that way or did you learn it?

    I send you all a big hug with many blessings of clarity and inspiration in all the choices and decisions you make, each day.

  • Notes to myself at 4am

    A cute little clock I drew on our chalkboard

    Do you ever wake up in the early morning hours and feel like you need to spend time with yourself? That happens to me every now and then. I usually don’t mind it because I feel like it’s the universe giving me a little nudge to discover what my heart, mind and body want to share. I have a couple of ways that I spend that time, including:

    1. lying in bed to hang out with myself and breathe
    2. reading a book
    3. taking a bath
    4. asking myself some questions and waiting to hear if there are any answers
    5. writing in a journal
    6. listening to audio from my favorite spiritual teacher Matt Kahn

    This weekend, I did numbers 1, 4, 5, and 6 and it was perfect for me. I really do feel it is a quiet time for me to get to know what’s bothering me or what I want to focus more on. It’s almost like I can be more honest and vulnerable with myself during that time when most others are asleep.

    The older I get, the more I realize that we are all different and different things work for each of us. It is my humblest wish that by sharing what works for me inspires you to discover what works best for you.

    In honour of that wish, I’m sharing one of my “4am notes to myself.” In this note, I’m reflecting on my time off work and how I’m doing. Whether this note resonates with you or not, may it help you connect more deeply with your little voice inside that just needs to be heard, not changed, but just heard.

    “Here I am, nearly 2 weeks after my last note, and I still feel tired out.  I guess I expected this time off work to be more restorative and fun.  Instead I am learning new and unexpected things:

    1. I don’t always have all the energy I’d like for myself, my family and home stuff, even without working and trips to my dad’s
    2. I am super sensitive to stress and it affects my digestion, mood, muscles, etc. 
    3. I have forgotten how to enjoy the present moment sometimes
    4. I really like making blog posts
    5. I love organizing even when I am tired
    6. I have more energy for cooking when I am off
    7. I have more time to spend outside and get refreshed even though I have little energy, I still use it wisely.
    8. I can take a lot of baths
    9. I have more energy for grocery shopping instead of just online shopping
    10. I am good at family and home organizing and I get more pleasure out of it when I am off
    11. I am great at finding books and shows that are interesting and make me feel good.

    I am proud of myself. I have been challenged in several ways during this time off and I am doing a great job meeting my needs and finding my way despite being tired and feeling less heart centered and like I have less love for others and even myself.  Its about damn time I acknowledge myself this positively when I feel this tired.”

    No matter how great or how shitty you feel, I acknowledge you. You matter and you are special. May you be blessed with much inner quiet so you can connect more deeply to yourself and know your needs. Big hugs!

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • How a drag show gave me the boost I needed

    Photo by SLAYTINA on Pexels.com

    On Saturday, I had the absolute pleasure to attend a drag show in Kemptville that was put on by North Grenville Pride. I almost didn’t go…I was so tired last week and I was feeling much more anxious than usual. I had pretty much already decided not to go, but then a whisper within me that suggested otherwise. I’ll explain.

    On that morning, I set an intention to make the decisions that were in my highest and best good. I totally expected that to mean resting, reading and taking it slow and keeping it simple. I went for a walk with Maggie, our doggie, and that is when I heard it: the perspective that it could be helpful for me to have a new experience, one with dancing, performing, good music and lots of people.

    Before I had chronic fatigue, that would have been an opportunity I was excited for, but since being so tired, I have to choose how to spend my time very wisely. Crowds, lots of stimulation, and loud music are all things I stay away from now because they drain my energy big time. I was intrigued by the new perspective that came to me that morning. I decided to be open to the possibility that it could actually help me instead of drain/harm me.

    I planned with my teenager to only spend a few hours there instead of staying to the end, and our friend got there earlier and saved us seats. I was very pleased that I was doing what I needed to go the show and honour myself and my needs.

    The poster for the excellent show I attended!

    I have never been to a drag show before, but I will definitely go again. I loved their outfits, make-up, performances and awesome dance moves. I was so uplifted, energized and inspired during their numbers. I was tired from smiling and cheering so much, it was super awesome. Their performances brought to a part of me to life that is dormant most of the time, and I am incredibly grateful for that. I’ve been dancing around the house so much more and feeling more like all of myself, not just the tired version of myself.

    My greatest wish out of this experience is to embody more of my awesome self, no matter how tired I am. Now that I’ve reconnected with more of my passion and enthusiasm, I’m not in a hurry to say goodbye to it! If you’re struggling with any chronic physical or mental health condition, I send you a big hug. It isn’t easy to live with a chronic condition, but it is easy to forgot how whole we are when we feel bad a lot of the time.

    May we all be blessed to discover what bring us joy and a sense of passion and purpose no matter where we find it. May we all be open to the opportunities and experiences that are in our highest and best good. Thank you NG Pride for such a fabulous event and thank you to the Not a Phase – Leeds and Grenville group for coordinating ticket purchases!

    Big hugs!

    Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.