When things get hard in my life, I feel an internal bracing. My abdomen gets tight, my muscles get more contracted, I start to hunch my shoulders a bit and I prepare for the worst. And to top it all off, I do my best to hold myself and everything to do with those hard circumstances together with my will and my mind.
Phew, that is exhausting. By paying more attention to my body, I’ve been acquainted with how much my physiology adapts to hold everything in and together. I can also recognize that pattern in my mind too. And what happens next is I try to stay ahead of those feelings and those life circumstances to make sure they can’t catch up to me. Or I lock them away so I can’t feel them at all.
These are protective behaviors that have served me well in the past and they helped me get through a lot. But as I learn more tools and about how trauma works, I want to help ease those behaviors and implement the new ways I’m learning to cope with life. Holding it all together is really like trying to dam up a river like in the image at the start of this post. It takes a lot of work to maintain that, and I want to lighten my internal load as much as possible to see if it may lessen my symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome.
And so, with kindness, awareness and compassion, I recognize my protective patterns, breathe deeply into my belly and learn what I need to feel safer as life keeps me on this super fast train of learning through a lot of challenges in a short period of time.
On good days, I see those challenges as opportunities to grow and evolve and choose differently and on more tired days, I feel overwhelmed and pulled under by the demands.
One day at a time, one moment of deep breathing, kind words and self-soothing behaviors at a time. I will loosen my grip, I will release my need to hold tight and I will be compassionate to one who still feels like she needs to hold on through difficulties.
I have been fighting for a long time. I’ve tried writing about my internal fight on this blog for over a year, but it hasn’t been the right time. Likely that’s because I am still learning about that fight, what it means, and how I can turn towards it with care and compassion instead of responding from fear.
My internal fighting feels very loud, confusing and scary. Am I fighting myself? The world? My past? Certain people? All people? My circumstances? My body and mind? Perhaps all of it?
This fighting has also caused a big divide within me, because I don’t want to think of myself as combative. I prefer to focus on the parts of me that I like, such as the funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding parts. But those fighting parts have been necessary. They don’t make me any less funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding. In fact, the internal battle has probably helped me further develop those more loving attributes because I’ve known what it’s like to have to fight to stay safe.
I’m writing this to help myself understand and so it may be a bumpy read, but that’s okay. It’s a bumpy life, isn’t it?
In the brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am learning from, they teach a lot about creating safety and trust by learning to be with your tough symptoms, feelings, sensations. They offer so many teachings that I’ve been slowly absorbing over the last several months, and over time, I’m feeling safer to take in those teachings and apply them to my life. As I apply them, it’s getting easier to know myself, especially aspects that have been too scary to know earlier.
And so this morning, I was feeling exhausted, nervous and unsure, so I sat with one of their practices about allowing what one is feeling to be here. Gosh, it was so nice. I am starting to understand how much I was responding to what I was feeling in my body with a fight or flight response. And this morning, I allowed those sensations, I allowed the fight and lack of safety to be there, and I witnessed it all. It was about a few minutes, and then I flipped to one of their teachings about the nervous system that I had been avoiding and it really helped me be so much more accepting of where I’m at. And that gives me more hope for my day to day life.
Side note: If you’re curious about the program or have any questions, feel free to write a comment or you can message me directly through my contact page. I learned about the program from the functional medicine specialist who is helping me with chronic fatigue syndrome.
End note: I am learning to respect that internal fight and maybe through allowing and witnessing my internal battle, I will cultivate more peace, safety and ease in my mind, body, heart and soul. Yes, that feels nice. May it be so, for me, for you and for the world.
It’s easy for me to get caught up in the day to day and lose sight of my growth and healing. I have been off work for a year and a half to take care of my physical and mental health. I recognize that I am not well enough to work, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t healed, grown and rested during this time.
If I have a tough day with big time symptoms or fatigue, it’s even easier for me to forget how far I have already come. And so today, I am acknowledging and celebrating my wins. They are very important, even if my life can still be difficult.
The brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am participating in is helping me. When I first started in November, I was so triggered reading the materials and watching the videos, so I took very baby steps. My capacity for learning, doing the exercises and holding space for myself has hugely increased. Yay! I am still going slow and checking in with my body, and that feels really healthy. It’s one way I am working on my PhD in Being Me, tuning in to myself and my needs instead of rushing to complete the next training level if I am not ready.
I am getting better at making choices that honour where I am with chronic fatigue syndrome instead of forcing myself onwards when I know it will negatively impact me.
I am better able to tell when I need to speak up about a boundary or if my boundaries have been violated.
I feel less choiceless in my every day life.
I am more compassionate with myself and others.
I am feeling less responsible for the world and the people I care about.
I really like doing somatic work, and I get a lot of ease and relief when I do it.
I can sometimes notice when I am dissociated, numb, or frozen and can give myself extra love.
I better understand different feelings in my body and what they are signaling. I am also learning to ride through the panic I feel when the toughest ones arise. I did that yesterday with a tool and gosh, it helped so much.
I am able to put the tools aside and just be as I am, like today 💕.
My plan is to publish posts about some helpful tools I have been learning about and strategies I am figuring out for myself. I hope these future posts empower me and any reader who may benefit. Life can be beautiful, but challenging, and I love learning about ways to navigate the challenges in healthier ways 🌸🌸.
Thanks for reading, may you be well and may your intuition be strong and clear to support you!
Me and my new style of art with ferns, Ferns in Northern Lights, with a loving message at the bottom.
I have been stressed lately. More like STRESSED lately. A few upsetting things happened all at once, and they all had elements of uncertainty. Because I have chronic fatigue syndrome and a form of PTSD, any bit of stress really exhausts me and throws my tiny sliver of balance right off.
The more I’ve learned about trauma, the more I can feel, notice and see the impacts that stress has on my physical health. I have also learned that some of the ways that I’ve been coping with stress and difficult situations have had a negative impact on my health.
I realized yesterday that I could use this latest batch of life events as a way to practice using my new tools and awareness from therapy and the Primal Trust program I am following.
When I was talking to my therapist last week, she was so compassionate and helped me understand just how much I was dealing with. That made it safer for me to get to know some of my feelings, instead of keeping them locked away and compartmentalized for another time. I hadn’t even realized I was doing that. What started out as an amazing protective strategy that has helped me through many challenges is now going to keep me sick and make me sicker because it’s keeping the stress alarm ringing in my body.
My therapist asked me several questions to ask my belly, where I was experiencing the most discomfort. That gave me a chance to tune in, listen and give myself the gift of my own presence. It was really nurturing and it freed up the emotions to flow. I was really scared and I got to actually feel it, as opposed to being disassociated with my feelings. It was very healing.
That was a week ago. The last few days, I noticed that I was ahead of myself. I could literally feel my energy in front of my body instead of in it. I wasn’t sure what to do about it, but I recognized it was another protective strategy keeping me out of my body so I didn’t have to feel everything that was so scary and upsetting. I knew I needed to try something different, so I sketched out what I was doing. It was helpful to see a visual of it.
My sketches of what I was feeling inside as I explored how to handle the new challenges and the emotions they brought up
After I sketched these, I had a good cry and I talked to my husband about how I needed to experiment to find healthier ways to take care of myself through this latest challenge. That was helpful too.
This morning, I started at page 1 of my Primal Trust 40 day “Daily Regulate” program, and it helped me so much. Sometimes starting back at the beginning gives me a chance to see the same material from a new place and from a different perspective.
The first day is about the chronic stress response and how to address the nervous system instead of focusing on symptoms. It teaches about closing the eyes, putting a hand on the heart and asking questions like, “what am I feeling inside my body right now?” and “what am I thinking about that.”
I started my morning with this practice and I started crying right away after reading the first question. It was such a relief to read that question and to know that it was an important step in identifying my needs and feelings. It gave me a chance to tune in and be present with myself.
I think it was such a powerful practice because I was out of my body or my feelings were out of reach and the first question brought my awareness right into my body. It feels good to use this latest challenge as a chance to do things differently, to treat myself with more care, compassion and kindness and to ask for greater help and support as I go through this time.
Inhale. Ahhhh, exhale. Yes, I can do this. It will still be hard, but it will be easier as I take care of myself in new ways instead of just reacting from old stress patterns.
There is so much potential growth and healing in challenges, like creating new art that helps me process my emotions. The fern below is called Anxiety. It was painted with colors that I associate with nausea and being twisted up in knots inside. And it’s spiky because I used a rough brush and I love how rough the parts are outside of the fern. And the hollowness of the fern echoes that emptiness that can come inside from feeling overwhelmed by life.
And so, there it is. A chance for me to do things differently. To take care of myself. To connect with my body. To externalize my feelings through my words, art and asking for help. To know that I am worthy of taking care of myself and that it’s okay to feel scared and physically uncomfortable. I can be there for myself. Each day will be different, but even small efforts will make an impact.
I wish you so well and may you connect with what helps you through life’s challenges. Big hugs and thanks for reading, 💕💕 Bradlee
Last week, I was trying a new somatic practice, and it was helping me. I became aware of myself thinking, “maybe this is it! Maybe this is the thing that will finally help me get better.”
I have thought that thousands of times over the past several years of figuring out how to live with chronic fatigue syndrome. To be honest with myself, I haven’t just been trying to live with it, I’ve been trying to get over it, over and over again.
That awareness the other day helped me realize that deep inside me I am still caught in the trap of trying to get over myself and hurry up and get better. I’ve made lots of progress in being kinder and more compassionate to myself instead of always taking a deficit and fix myself mindset, but I guess there is always room for improvement!
I started reflecting on all I’ve done for myself over the years and I settled into a new knowing: I am what I’ve been looking for. It’s my dedication to myself, my willingness to grow and explore my inner world, to ask for support and to follow my intuition about what is working and what isn’t and what speed to journey at.
Maybe it doesn’t matter that I’ve been unwell for so many years. Maybe it just matters that through it all, I’ve been here, willing to keep experimenting to show myself that I am worth it. That I am allowed to be exactly as I am and that I can also keep learning to help myself in new ways that will cumulatively surround and fill me with care, love, compassion and healing, regardless of any outcomes. It’s me. It’s not the tools. It’s me. I am the one. I am it.
Hmmmm, that feels good. I value and treasure myself and my life and I am living in ways that show myself that. So if the latest practice helps me feel a bit better and less exhausted, awesome. If it doesn’t, or I need something else, I will adjust and pay attention to my needs. Yes, that is nice. I like it. No blame, no shame, no hurrying, just settling in to being me, exactly as I am, in this moment and tuning in to see what I need.
I wish you all the best in attuning to your needs too! May you see and acknowledge the good you do for yourself and may you be inspired about what unmet needs you may have and how you can go about meeting them (that’s my plan for today 🥰🥰).
Well, sometimes my symptoms kick my ass. And today is one of those days. To be honest, the last few weeks have felt like this, I am just getting better at letting myself feel shitty instead of trying to overcome and fix everything I experience all the time.
I am practicing being with myself when my body is so uncomfortable or when I have racing, catastrophic thoughts, or both. It’s not super pleasant, but I am enjoying the new strength and resilience I feel at developing these skills. It sure beats trying to run away from or distract myself 🩷.
Lately, I’ve been writing about allowing myself to feel what’s going on within me and allowing the symptoms to be there. Today, I am getting great practice because I am so uncomfortable. All I can really do is acknowledge that this is my reality and be kind to myself.
I am using some of my tools to see which ones will help me hold space for this discomfort, but not hold it so tight that it can’t move through me and shift if that is what it is going to do. I am writing this as a way to acknowledge my experience and to soothe myself because writing almost always helps. But my eyes and head hurt and my cognitive capacity is pretty low, so I am going to keep it short ❤️.
I have been unwell for quite a while now, but through trauma informed therapy and nervous system rehabilitation, I am learning how to be here, in my body, with myself, while I am unwell. I am very grateful for that! I am feeling worse lately, and I almost wonder if that is in part because through allowing myself to be exactly as I am, then I am less in denial about the state of my health. And that allows me to better sense just how much chronic fatigue syndrome and healing from trauma are a huge part of my life (for now 🤞🏼💝).
One moment of witnessing my symptoms, one moment of speaking kindly to myself as I weep, and one moment of making a gentle, caring choice at a time.
May you be blessed with lots of care, a wonderful support system and lots of whatever you need today.
Like many sensitive people, I have been exploring the concept of boundaries. What does that word even mean, what do boundaries look like, when do I need them, is it okay to have them, when should I strengthen them, etc?
I had this very innocent belief that if I had boundaries, then people would feel like I didn’t love them. I thought that having no boundaries was the way to prevent anyone from thinking I was rejecting them. I have been learning that these beliefs are part of my trauma narrative and were created as a way of helping me.
I also recently realized that not having boundaries was a way I could keep myself safe. Without boundaries, I could instantly tell if someone’s mood was changing and then I could jump in to try to manage the situation to (hopefully) stay safe.
By not having boundaries, I was able to energetically hold onto the people around me, so I could match their moods or be who they needed me to be so I wouldn’t get hurt.
It’s truly incredible to learn about how much of this was totally unconscious and was using up a lot of mental and energetic energy to maintain. These are all very innoncent strategies that I developed to get the love and care I needed and to keep myself safe.
I am learning to really respect the parts of me that developed these strategies. I’m 46, so I grew up at a time when feelings weren’t really talked about, they were more suppressed. So having the opportunity through therapy and nervous system rehabilitation work to learn more about these strategies, why they were formed and what I can do differently is such a gift.
I realized how much progress I had made when I told my dog that she couldn’t come lie on the bed with me, even though I knew she really wanted to, and I didn’t feel guilty. In fact, I realized how much I loved her and myself, and that having boundaries meant I could love her and respect myself more. It was such a liberating but simple moment.
I’m looking forward to experimenting more with boundaries and building up my internal strength and resilience. I am very grateful for the trauma-informed therapy I am doing. It makes me feel much safer to learn about myself and my history. I am learning to be so compassionate to myself for how much I have survived and I am building an extensive library of tools to help me moving forward.
I am starting to be able to tell the difference between when I feel safe and grounded and when I am relating to my life from my trauma narrative. I had no idea that there were two perspectives within me, I just knew that sometimes I felt powerful and capable, and other times I felt so small, victim-like and deeply sad.
It seems like the more I get to know that deeply safe, confident, powerful and strong part of me, then the easier it will be to have boundaries. And the more I understand and recognize the very hurt parts of me and take care of them, then they’ll trust me to take the lead more.
I just love learning this stuff, it makes me feel so great. There are so many people like me and there are so many tools and approaches I can take, including making sure I enjoy life and have fun, despite doing deep healing work and being chronically exhausted.
Maybe I can have it all, despite feeling limited? That sounds really nice. I can have boundaries and still be the loving and caring person I am. Maybe I can be tired and still happy. Maybe I can grieve the loss of my energy but be excited for all the opportunities I am gaining through this exhausted time in my life? Ya, I like all of that.
Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best in getting to know what your needs are and how you can best meet them.
Befriending my emotions and welcoming them into my life is the more recent step I am taking in my healing journey. It’s taken me a lot of work, self-care, awareness, time and self-love to get here. I am so proud of how I’m building connections within myself.
When I reach toward uncomfortable feelings and emotions, I feel a bit scared. These are often super strong emotions that I have done my best, as a coping strategy, to keep separate and shoved down.
Creating art to hold my big feelings and the ones that were difficult to even admit to, let alone feel, has been a blessing for me. It’s been so critical for me in building the capacity to be a witness to myself, my feelings and experiences. Having my feelings contained on a piece of paper has also helped me increase my strength and resilience. Art has helped me build bridges within myself and helped me to start healing from how much I pushed myself to keep going and working even though I was so sick. It’s also helping me build trust and greater respect for myself and within myself.
And so, I am sharing my latest art piece and poem that are a part of my “allowing my feelings” journey. I sat with my feelings and told them they were allowed to stay and that I would love to understand them, but no pressure. I learned from primaltrust.org that I could visualize my feelings as art as I allow them, and this piece below is what I saw and felt. A maelstrom of hysteria, surrounded by my light, holding, witnessing and allowing it to whirl, spin and share its messages with me. I used a typewriter to type out the words I heard within the storm and I inadvertently typed them out in the shape of a tornado.
It’s been very healing to make this art, and to write this post about my feelings. My hope is that the strength of that inner storm will lessen as I hold space for it and start to understand its needs.
Thank you for reading my posts and for journeying with me as I work towards being the kindest and most compassionate expert in being me. Maybe one day I will get my PhD in Being Me 🥰🥰.
It’s hard to describe just how much I’ve blamed myself for being unwell with chronic fatigue syndrome. And for how many years, I didn’t even believe I was sick, just that I was tired, and if I could just do the right things, then I wouldn’t be so tired.
I’ve been on disability leave from my work for over a year and I’m still exhausted most days. And my leave was just extended for up to another year. It was only in the last few weeks that I realized, hmmm, I think it’s okay for me to say that I’m sick, not just that I’m so so tired.
The more I learn about trauma, the more the way I have treated myself makes sense. In a way, I’ve been gaslighting myself, not really understanding that I was doing it, or how harmful it really has been. Or that I was repeating patterns of how I’ve been treated as an innocent and unconscious way of keeping myself safe.
I’m navigating the dark depths of my life and what I’ve survived, and the more I navigate, the more I see, understand and relax. And the more I understand that I haven’t done anything wrong. I am sick. I am unwell. And that’s okay. It’s even okay if I never get better. But it’s also okay if I do. None of this is my fault, or is as a result of something I should have done better or differently. It just is.
This morning, I was so tired and I just felt myself laugh and know that I couldn’t keep blaming myself or working so hard to find the one thing or combination of things that will heal me. Instead, I embraced myself, how I feel, where I’m at and the exhaustion, took a bath, and am now going to do whatever most meets my needs throughout the day. And that will be enough. And it’s not wrong, in fact, it’s a gift. To have the time and space to learn how to take care of my deepest needs so that I can rest, rejuvenate and heal. And whether I get better or not, I know I’ll be okay, because I already am despite it all.
I can do this and I believe in myself. I will likely need to reread these words and relearn this lesson a few times, and that’s okay. I’m tired. I’m unwell. I need rest and healing. I am not doing anything wrong and I’m doing okay, just as I am. And I am okay.
May your heart guide you and may you see the good you are despite all you’ve already survived and endured.
Note to readers: this post includes descriptions of my inner pain, trauma and learning how to allow all of me to be here. Please read with care 💖.
This morning I had a vision in my mind’s eye. I saw a paper with my inner narrative written on it, the one I formed while growing up.
I saw me trying to write over it to create more of what I wanted.
I saw the original words getting bigger, darker and they were working to ensure they could be seen and read.
To help me further process this very impactful vision, I recreated it in the images above. It was a very powerful experience to actually feel into the words and feelings for each stage above. It allowed me to understand myself better and to have more compassion for myself.
I have used a lot of willpower in my life to overcome my inner narrative and pain. I have had to work so hard to keep this up and its been exhausting trying to overwrite and escape from something that is within me. This morning I was lying in bed and reflecting that maybe the time had come to coexist with all aspects of me and my inner world.
This realization is really in keeping with what I am learning in my nervous system rehabilitation program – to build capacity to be with my most difficult emotions and experiences. To witness them and allow them instead of trying to rewrite my story each day (which is so so exhausting).
The more I learn about myself, and the more I decompress from a life of stress, not feeling safe and being in protection mode, the more empathy I have for myself. My physical and mental health have been on the decline, and it all makes so much sense the more I learn and process. How could I be thriving when so much of my life force energy is going into keeping me safe and worrying for the safety of my loved ones? Learning about trauma and the nervous system has helped me understand how I can’t just keep trying to rewrite my life. It’s so much more than just trying harder, having a positive attitude or using willpower.
And so, I will take a deep breath. I will acknowledge that I have been trying to force my way into my ideal inner experience of life, without realizing that I have been fighting with myself to get there. I breathe again. And again. And I feel the pain, vulnerability and hurt that I have inadvertently been pushing away because that’s how trauma works to keep me safe. And I breathe again.
I open my palms, side by side, to hold all the words on the pages above. I breathe deeply to have the courage to let them all exist, and occupy space within me. And I breathe to allow myself to feel it all and learn from all of those feelings and experiences and move forward together.
One step at a time, I am working towards my PhD in Being Me. I wish you so much ease, clarity and insight in your own journey with becoming an expert in being yourself.
With love and care, Bradlee
An art piece from nearly a year ago, about finding myself.
PhD in Being Me 