As I continue on my healing journey, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, I think about boundaries a lot. Why we need them, how they shift, and what they mean to me.
I have also realized boundaries aren’t static, but can change depending on the day, the circumstances or an individual’s needs, which is more than okay and very healthy. I feel that very much in my day to day life as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, neighbour and employee on disability leave.
What I want to share depends on the day, what I’ve been going through and how exhausted I am. Sometimes I feel like having chronic fatigue syndrome makes it harder to have boundaries, because I need the mental energy to know I need the boundaries and to make the effort to state my needs. Other times, it makes it so much easier, because I’m too tired to do anything other than rest.
Lately I’ve been thinking about boundaries as a way of life. Like, noticing what I traditionally have kept silent about, and exploring how I can give myself a voice. Or being curious about someone’s actions and my reactions as a way to learn what I need to do next.
I have written in the past about how I thought having boundaries meant shutting people out. I honestly believed that I would be less loving if I had boundaries. Now I am understanding how much more loving it is to myself to have boundaries. And it allows me to be more loving with others by respecting their boundaries and my own. It is also much easier for me to be pleasant when I have maintained my boundaries.
I really love learning and exploring who I am and how I can make my life easier, better, richer and more authentic, and boundaries are making a positive impact on me.
I am quite, quite tired today, so I will end this here. It felt great to get a few thoughts down, I hope your day has been going well. May you be healthy, happy, and well.
A collage I made for moving forward in a more peaceful integrated way
I don’t know about you, but it’s been a battleground, with lots of carnage, hurt and despair inside me for a long time. I have felt the parts of me that were locked away, other parts that have kept them there, others that have been fighting to be heard, recognized and taken care of and others that have been exhausted trying to create peace and understanding within me.
Living with a chronic illness for a long time now only amplified that, but the good news is that it’s getting better. My inner landscape is less of a battleground, and more like my parts are working together to clean up the mess and create a healthy environment.
I remember when I was in grief counselling after my mom died in 2019 and my counsellor said something like, “you’ve done such great work, you’ve been pulling the weeds out of your garden, taking care of the soil and planting new seeds. It’s going to be amazing as the garden grows, keep doing this work.”
I can honestly say that I agree with her. I’ve done many forms of therapy for over 20 years and it’s really helped. I understand myself more and it’s helped me recognize that battleground, and reach out to the parts of me that were hurting so much. I’ve become more of a compassionate ambassador within myself and we’re signing peace treaties and memorandums of understanding for how we’d like to move forward, together.
I always thought that I needed to contain and lock away certain parts of myself to be safe and to get the care and attention I craved, but that very innocent strategy didn’t work out. If anything, it’s kept me fractured and living in more turmoil, but that’s okay. The more I learn from therapy, the more I see that these were coping and survival strategies and I get the chance to do differently moving forward.
I can sometimes sense the little Bradlee’s feeling taken care of, or screaming out if there is a big trigger, and I’m learning that I am what I need. I am the one who can notice my inner distress and take care of myself and ask for help. I am the expert in being me, even though I am always learning more.
Ahhhh, deep breath. I am what I’ve been looking for. I am the one who can choose to walk with my most hurt, vulnerable and angry parts instead of keeping them locked away. I am the one who can remember all that I’ve been through and choose to treat myself with kindness and compassion, instead of continuing the cycle of shaming and belittling and telling myself just to get over it.
Yes. Here I am, all parts of me, reaching out to all of me, holding hands, walking together. Meeting at the start of a new trail through life, smiling at each other, and knowing that everything in my life has led to this point. I am uniting, across time and space, no parts of me left behind, to walk across the former battlefield and see all the beauty that now occupies the place that was full of terror, fear, anger, shame and sadness.
We are glorious and we are together. We are uniting. We are me, all of me. Is there still sadness, pain and shame? Yes. Will there always be? Likely, but we’ll face it together and hold space for those difficult feelings as they arise. And we’ll look inward and outward at all the beauty we’ve cultivated and worked so hard for, and that will carry us through.
An exploration of how I can meet my needs from a day that was really tough
For those who are new to my blog, I am working on getting a PhD in Being Me. I have spent so much of my life trying to be what others wanted of me and instead, I’ve switched directions. I’m enrolled in the school of me, and I want to pursue the highest education I can in being me. I want to learn about my needs, my desires, what I need to heal, thrive, grow and evolve. I don’t want to follow anyone else’s curriculum about living life, I want to discover mine, as I live my life. I want to become so good at being me, that I’m going to get a PhD in Being Me. And that’s something that no one else can do and that no one can take away from me, because I am doing all the work to get there.
For those who have been reading my posts for a while now, thank you! I started writing this in 2022 as a way to focus my efforts and to encourage myself to keep going. I have been hopeful that my words will inspire others to live their truth too, even if it means having to discover it like I am.
I sometimes think that’s part of the whole purpose of life. Not for life to be glamorous, fancy or sophisticated, but to explore life as ourselves, including our inner experience of life, even if we think our lives may be boring. There is nothing as badass or rollercoaster-ish than spending time with oneself, understanding one’s needs, pain, scars and fears. Emerging from the other side, even just tiny peeks every now and again as one may be exploring deep, deep down, is so exhilarating and freeing.
I was reflecting on my journey in getting a PhD in Being Me with my husband recently and I said, “you know, I think I may have graduated out of the elementary school of being me. I think I’ve made a lot of progress even though it’s been really hard, I think I graduated and am moving on up in my education!” I loved that as a concept, and so I wanted to share it all with you too.
As kids, we are often in such a hurry to grow up and be adults. I have taken that approach to my healing and education in being me too. I used to be in such a hurry to “get better, be better, be healthier, etc.” that I was accidentally leaving myself behind and missing the journey of my healing.
In the last several months, I have been slowing down internally. I am less in a fight, flight or shut down state and more in a feeling and being present with myself state. It took me a long time to get here and I couldn’t know how I was living before until my inner world felt more regulated and at a peace. I have benefited so much from therapy and from the Primal Trust program that I now have a lot more understanding of my past and how difficult it was for me to be me.
I really felt like this was a big milestone and an important step closer to me getting my PhD in Being Me. I still have so much to learn and that’s okay with me. I do think it will be a life long journey of self-discovery, self-love and giving myself lots of kindness and compassion. And celebrating my wins, even the small ones like remembering to use a helpful tool when I am triggered or when I am exhausted with chronic fatigue syndrome.
I am learning how to be with myself as I live my life and that is golden. I am learning that I am so worthy of supporting myself and being supported by others. I am learning that I am more than my wounds, and more than the hurtful words and actions from others. I am glorious, even in my fatigue, trauma and overwhelm. I am me, and that is more than enough.
This progress feels incredible, and it makes me excited for the more growth, healing and be-ing that is still to come. I am so grateful to be on disability leave from my job and to have such incredible supportive people and tools and resources in my life.
Thank you for journeying with me 🩷🩷🌟🌟, may you be well, may you be and feel safe, and may you be blesssed with an abundance of healing, love and compassion.
Yay! Here is my first helpful tool post and it’s about somatic dance. You definitely don’t need to be a dancer to try somatic dance. It’s more about a way to connect with your body through movement. In my experience, it helps me notice where I have tension or if I’m outside of my body at all. Somatic dance is a gentle way to move that tension out and connect with my whole beingness through movement.
I sometimes feel stressed or overwhelmed by my fatigue or life’s circumstances and stopping to check in with my body through a gentle somatic dance is really helpful. I can feel how it’s benefited me on my journey with chronic fatigue syndrome and trauma recovery by making it easier for me to be grounded in my body and more connected with how I am doing. I’ve noticed it’s important not to force or do bigger movements than I am ready for, but to follow my body 💖🌟.
I remember doing it before bed once and I slept so much better aftewards. Plus, it helped me focus on the physical and connecting with my body instead of staying trapped in my mind in patterns of unhelpful throughts.
I made a video of me doing a somatic dance practice. I put on a beautiful song to go with it, and you may need to turn it up to hear it. The song is called The Sacred by Yaima. There is no right or wrong way to do a somatic dance practice in my experience, it’s more about tuning in to your body and following it’s lead as to what you need in terms of movement.
May this inspire you to meet your needs. I’ve been learning that small ways of taking care of myself each day add up much more than a big effort once a week.
When things get hard in my life, I feel an internal bracing. My abdomen gets tight, my muscles get more contracted, I start to hunch my shoulders a bit and I prepare for the worst. And to top it all off, I do my best to hold myself and everything to do with those hard circumstances together with my will and my mind.
Phew, that is exhausting. By paying more attention to my body, I’ve been acquainted with how much my physiology adapts to hold everything in and together. I can also recognize that pattern in my mind too. And what happens next is I try to stay ahead of those feelings and those life circumstances to make sure they can’t catch up to me. Or I lock them away so I can’t feel them at all.
These are protective behaviors that have served me well in the past and they helped me get through a lot. But as I learn more tools and about how trauma works, I want to help ease those behaviors and implement the new ways I’m learning to cope with life. Holding it all together is really like trying to dam up a river like in the image at the start of this post. It takes a lot of work to maintain that, and I want to lighten my internal load as much as possible to see if it may lessen my symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome.
And so, with kindness, awareness and compassion, I recognize my protective patterns, breathe deeply into my belly and learn what I need to feel safer as life keeps me on this super fast train of learning through a lot of challenges in a short period of time.
On good days, I see those challenges as opportunities to grow and evolve and choose differently and on more tired days, I feel overwhelmed and pulled under by the demands.
One day at a time, one moment of deep breathing, kind words and self-soothing behaviors at a time. I will loosen my grip, I will release my need to hold tight and I will be compassionate to one who still feels like she needs to hold on through difficulties.
I have been fighting for a long time. I’ve tried writing about my internal fight on this blog for over a year, but it hasn’t been the right time. Likely that’s because I am still learning about that fight, what it means, and how I can turn towards it with care and compassion instead of responding from fear.
My internal fighting feels very loud, confusing and scary. Am I fighting myself? The world? My past? Certain people? All people? My circumstances? My body and mind? Perhaps all of it?
This fighting has also caused a big divide within me, because I don’t want to think of myself as combative. I prefer to focus on the parts of me that I like, such as the funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding parts. But those fighting parts have been necessary. They don’t make me any less funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding. In fact, the internal battle has probably helped me further develop those more loving attributes because I’ve known what it’s like to have to fight to stay safe.
I’m writing this to help myself understand and so it may be a bumpy read, but that’s okay. It’s a bumpy life, isn’t it?
In the brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am learning from, they teach a lot about creating safety and trust by learning to be with your tough symptoms, feelings, sensations. They offer so many teachings that I’ve been slowly absorbing over the last several months, and over time, I’m feeling safer to take in those teachings and apply them to my life. As I apply them, it’s getting easier to know myself, especially aspects that have been too scary to know earlier.
And so this morning, I was feeling exhausted, nervous and unsure, so I sat with one of their practices about allowing what one is feeling to be here. Gosh, it was so nice. I am starting to understand how much I was responding to what I was feeling in my body with a fight or flight response. And this morning, I allowed those sensations, I allowed the fight and lack of safety to be there, and I witnessed it all. It was about a few minutes, and then I flipped to one of their teachings about the nervous system that I had been avoiding and it really helped me be so much more accepting of where I’m at. And that gives me more hope for my day to day life.
Side note: If you’re curious about the program or have any questions, feel free to write a comment or you can message me directly through my contact page. I learned about the program from the functional medicine specialist who is helping me with chronic fatigue syndrome.
End note: I am learning to respect that internal fight and maybe through allowing and witnessing my internal battle, I will cultivate more peace, safety and ease in my mind, body, heart and soul. Yes, that feels nice. May it be so, for me, for you and for the world.
It’s easy for me to get caught up in the day to day and lose sight of my growth and healing. I have been off work for a year and a half to take care of my physical and mental health. I recognize that I am not well enough to work, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t healed, grown and rested during this time.
If I have a tough day with big time symptoms or fatigue, it’s even easier for me to forget how far I have already come. And so today, I am acknowledging and celebrating my wins. They are very important, even if my life can still be difficult.
The brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am participating in is helping me. When I first started in November, I was so triggered reading the materials and watching the videos, so I took very baby steps. My capacity for learning, doing the exercises and holding space for myself has hugely increased. Yay! I am still going slow and checking in with my body, and that feels really healthy. It’s one way I am working on my PhD in Being Me, tuning in to myself and my needs instead of rushing to complete the next training level if I am not ready.
I am getting better at making choices that honour where I am with chronic fatigue syndrome instead of forcing myself onwards when I know it will negatively impact me.
I am better able to tell when I need to speak up about a boundary or if my boundaries have been violated.
I feel less choiceless in my every day life.
I am more compassionate with myself and others.
I am feeling less responsible for the world and the people I care about.
I really like doing somatic work, and I get a lot of ease and relief when I do it.
I can sometimes notice when I am dissociated, numb, or frozen and can give myself extra love.
I better understand different feelings in my body and what they are signaling. I am also learning to ride through the panic I feel when the toughest ones arise. I did that yesterday with a tool and gosh, it helped so much.
I am able to put the tools aside and just be as I am, like today 💕.
My plan is to publish posts about some helpful tools I have been learning about and strategies I am figuring out for myself. I hope these future posts empower me and any reader who may benefit. Life can be beautiful, but challenging, and I love learning about ways to navigate the challenges in healthier ways 🌸🌸.
Thanks for reading, may you be well and may your intuition be strong and clear to support you!
Me and my new style of art with ferns, Ferns in Northern Lights, with a loving message at the bottom.
I have been stressed lately. More like STRESSED lately. A few upsetting things happened all at once, and they all had elements of uncertainty. Because I have chronic fatigue syndrome and a form of PTSD, any bit of stress really exhausts me and throws my tiny sliver of balance right off.
The more I’ve learned about trauma, the more I can feel, notice and see the impacts that stress has on my physical health. I have also learned that some of the ways that I’ve been coping with stress and difficult situations have had a negative impact on my health.
I realized yesterday that I could use this latest batch of life events as a way to practice using my new tools and awareness from therapy and the Primal Trust program I am following.
When I was talking to my therapist last week, she was so compassionate and helped me understand just how much I was dealing with. That made it safer for me to get to know some of my feelings, instead of keeping them locked away and compartmentalized for another time. I hadn’t even realized I was doing that. What started out as an amazing protective strategy that has helped me through many challenges is now going to keep me sick and make me sicker because it’s keeping the stress alarm ringing in my body.
My therapist asked me several questions to ask my belly, where I was experiencing the most discomfort. That gave me a chance to tune in, listen and give myself the gift of my own presence. It was really nurturing and it freed up the emotions to flow. I was really scared and I got to actually feel it, as opposed to being disassociated with my feelings. It was very healing.
That was a week ago. The last few days, I noticed that I was ahead of myself. I could literally feel my energy in front of my body instead of in it. I wasn’t sure what to do about it, but I recognized it was another protective strategy keeping me out of my body so I didn’t have to feel everything that was so scary and upsetting. I knew I needed to try something different, so I sketched out what I was doing. It was helpful to see a visual of it.
My sketches of what I was feeling inside as I explored how to handle the new challenges and the emotions they brought up
After I sketched these, I had a good cry and I talked to my husband about how I needed to experiment to find healthier ways to take care of myself through this latest challenge. That was helpful too.
This morning, I started at page 1 of my Primal Trust 40 day “Daily Regulate” program, and it helped me so much. Sometimes starting back at the beginning gives me a chance to see the same material from a new place and from a different perspective.
The first day is about the chronic stress response and how to address the nervous system instead of focusing on symptoms. It teaches about closing the eyes, putting a hand on the heart and asking questions like, “what am I feeling inside my body right now?” and “what am I thinking about that.”
I started my morning with this practice and I started crying right away after reading the first question. It was such a relief to read that question and to know that it was an important step in identifying my needs and feelings. It gave me a chance to tune in and be present with myself.
I think it was such a powerful practice because I was out of my body or my feelings were out of reach and the first question brought my awareness right into my body. It feels good to use this latest challenge as a chance to do things differently, to treat myself with more care, compassion and kindness and to ask for greater help and support as I go through this time.
Inhale. Ahhhh, exhale. Yes, I can do this. It will still be hard, but it will be easier as I take care of myself in new ways instead of just reacting from old stress patterns.
There is so much potential growth and healing in challenges, like creating new art that helps me process my emotions. The fern below is called Anxiety. It was painted with colors that I associate with nausea and being twisted up in knots inside. And it’s spiky because I used a rough brush and I love how rough the parts are outside of the fern. And the hollowness of the fern echoes that emptiness that can come inside from feeling overwhelmed by life.
And so, there it is. A chance for me to do things differently. To take care of myself. To connect with my body. To externalize my feelings through my words, art and asking for help. To know that I am worthy of taking care of myself and that it’s okay to feel scared and physically uncomfortable. I can be there for myself. Each day will be different, but even small efforts will make an impact.
I wish you so well and may you connect with what helps you through life’s challenges. Big hugs and thanks for reading, 💕💕 Bradlee
Last week, I was trying a new somatic practice, and it was helping me. I became aware of myself thinking, “maybe this is it! Maybe this is the thing that will finally help me get better.”
I have thought that thousands of times over the past several years of figuring out how to live with chronic fatigue syndrome. To be honest with myself, I haven’t just been trying to live with it, I’ve been trying to get over it, over and over again.
That awareness the other day helped me realize that deep inside me I am still caught in the trap of trying to get over myself and hurry up and get better. I’ve made lots of progress in being kinder and more compassionate to myself instead of always taking a deficit and fix myself mindset, but I guess there is always room for improvement!
I started reflecting on all I’ve done for myself over the years and I settled into a new knowing: I am what I’ve been looking for. It’s my dedication to myself, my willingness to grow and explore my inner world, to ask for support and to follow my intuition about what is working and what isn’t and what speed to journey at.
Maybe it doesn’t matter that I’ve been unwell for so many years. Maybe it just matters that through it all, I’ve been here, willing to keep experimenting to show myself that I am worth it. That I am allowed to be exactly as I am and that I can also keep learning to help myself in new ways that will cumulatively surround and fill me with care, love, compassion and healing, regardless of any outcomes. It’s me. It’s not the tools. It’s me. I am the one. I am it.
Hmmmm, that feels good. I value and treasure myself and my life and I am living in ways that show myself that. So if the latest practice helps me feel a bit better and less exhausted, awesome. If it doesn’t, or I need something else, I will adjust and pay attention to my needs. Yes, that is nice. I like it. No blame, no shame, no hurrying, just settling in to being me, exactly as I am, in this moment and tuning in to see what I need.
I wish you all the best in attuning to your needs too! May you see and acknowledge the good you do for yourself and may you be inspired about what unmet needs you may have and how you can go about meeting them (that’s my plan for today 🥰🥰).
Well, sometimes my symptoms kick my ass. And today is one of those days. To be honest, the last few weeks have felt like this, I am just getting better at letting myself feel shitty instead of trying to overcome and fix everything I experience all the time.
I am practicing being with myself when my body is so uncomfortable or when I have racing, catastrophic thoughts, or both. It’s not super pleasant, but I am enjoying the new strength and resilience I feel at developing these skills. It sure beats trying to run away from or distract myself 🩷.
Lately, I’ve been writing about allowing myself to feel what’s going on within me and allowing the symptoms to be there. Today, I am getting great practice because I am so uncomfortable. All I can really do is acknowledge that this is my reality and be kind to myself.
I am using some of my tools to see which ones will help me hold space for this discomfort, but not hold it so tight that it can’t move through me and shift if that is what it is going to do. I am writing this as a way to acknowledge my experience and to soothe myself because writing almost always helps. But my eyes and head hurt and my cognitive capacity is pretty low, so I am going to keep it short ❤️.
I have been unwell for quite a while now, but through trauma informed therapy and nervous system rehabilitation, I am learning how to be here, in my body, with myself, while I am unwell. I am very grateful for that! I am feeling worse lately, and I almost wonder if that is in part because through allowing myself to be exactly as I am, then I am less in denial about the state of my health. And that allows me to better sense just how much chronic fatigue syndrome and healing from trauma are a huge part of my life (for now 🤞🏼💝).
One moment of witnessing my symptoms, one moment of speaking kindly to myself as I weep, and one moment of making a gentle, caring choice at a time.
May you be blessed with lots of care, a wonderful support system and lots of whatever you need today.
