PhD in Being Me

Category: Chronic fatigue syndrome

  • Being nourished by my own voice

    An art collage I made early in the new year

    It’s been several months since I have written on my blog.  I’ve been having a tough time and have needed (and continue to need) deep quiet time.

    Just this week, I remembered how nourishing it is for me to read my own words.  I was feeling the nudge to write again, which I haven’t felt for some time.

    Writing gives me a chance to spend time with myself, open up wellsprings of thoughts and feelings, and feel myself healing as I let the words flow from and through me.

    I sometimes start writing with a topic in mind and other times, I can feel some pressure or tension that is seeking liberation, and writing often soothes those feelings.

    Over the last 10 years, I’ve been learning about loving myself and being compassionate with myself.  It’s been incredibly rewarding to make changes in my life towards greater self-love and self-compassion.  Recently though, I discovered how hard I was still being on myself and how judgemental I was being. 

    I have struggled with my physical and mental health for most of my life.  I would describe myself as being at rock bottom this year.  And yet, it’s taken being here, at the bottom, to truly see how deep-rooted my self-judgement has been. 

    I have been doing a lot of work in therapy, including art therapy, and its really teaching me how to become an even safer space for myself.  To acknowledge what I have survived, what I learned as a result, and to have compassion for the scars and the pain I have. 

    Late last week, I started feeling like a failure because I haven’t “cured” myself of my debilitating chronic fatigue syndrome.  I’ve had this thought over and over for years.  Through what I learned in art therapy, I finally saw how judgemental that was of me and I chose to give myself more compassion instead.  It’s been a nice change.

    I know there is a long road ahead for me that requires patience, compassion, rest, love and time.  I am finally starting to feel worthy of giving myself all of that and knowing that my life matters even through this time of rock bottom.

    And so I write.  I create art.  I breathe.  I cry.  I rest.  I hear the whispers of my heart and the forest as they guide me.  I complete my disability paperwork and feel all the tough feelings.  I laugh.  I garden.  I sit.  I mourn.  I decompose and wait to see what grows. 

    Thanks for reading ♥️.

    Bright pink lillies

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Delicate

    A bird sitting on a branch during a snowstorm

    Feeling like I am on thin ice

    Unsure which move I can safely make

    Will the decision I make leave me drained, emotionally and physically

    Or will it fill up my heart’s cup enough to offset the fatigue that will surely come?

    This delicate balancing act of trying to conserve my limited energy while still making sure I feel good with the life I am living despite my disability

    Is tiring

    It’s delicate

    It’s wearing me down

    Now that I have stopped and given myself permission to be exactly where I am, the true depth, delicacy and precariousness of my health is more evident

    I keep going because to stop would be worse.  Completing chores, walking, doing mild exercises, running errands, talking to friends, family and neighbors, crafting, reading.  Those are all things I use my energy for.  It makes me so sad that sometimes just going for a walk is too much, or that spending time with friends makes me feel so good, but then I feel so much worse the next day.

    Like I said, it’s delicate. 

    I have been learning that there is true power in being vulnerable and owning my life from the inside out, even if I’d rather not have chronic fatigue syndrome.  And so I write and I share and I hope that my words help you feel seen and validated.

    No matter what you are balancing, and how delicate it is, you are worthy of being seen, acknowledged, appreciated and respected, exactly as you are.  With every breath we take, may we anchor blessings for a more inclusive, accepting and respectful world.

    With hugs, Bradlee 

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • The potato turning point

    Potatoes of all shapes and sizes

    I have a beautiful life.  I have the best family, a safe and cozy home, wonderful friends, and many other incredible blessings.

    At the same time, I am exhausted. I am also mentally exhausted from having chronic fatigue syndrome for several years and from trying to make it all work with such limited energy.

    I have done so much to help myself.  I am always open to healing, lessons, and anything that may help me, like therapy, meditation, breath work, time in nature, art therapy, diets, learning about trauma, etc.  But sometimes, life is like, “How about you cry over potatoes as your next greatest lesson and turning point?”

    This past weekend, there were no cooked potatoes left in the fridge.  I am eating on the Whole30 to help keep inflammation down in my body, and I eat potatoes with most meals.  It was breakfast, I was tired and feeling stressed and there were no potatoes. I felt so sad and so deeply alone.  On the face of it, this makes no sense, but it is the truth.  I was so tired, there were no potatoes, and as a result, I felt so sad and lonely. 

    I was peeling potatoes and cutting them and my lovely husband came in the kitchen and I started crying.  I told him how I was feeling, how tired I was and he helped me cook them.  Being so tired that cooking seems like an impossible task makes me feel sad, but that day, it was my reality.  I am quite strong (and a bit scared to appear weak), so sometimes I just keep going instead of asking for help.  The potatoes were my turning point.  They forced me to share my feelings, be vulnerable, and ask for help.

    A week later, I feel better.  My kid is now in charge of potato cooking, and my husband is going to pick up some groceries on his way hone from work when needed.  It was never really about potatoes, but that humble root vegetable helped me feel more seen and validated as I shared my feelings.

    May the little opportunities to make life better and to create connection over isolation and loneliness be abundant in your life.

    With care and hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • What If?

    A cold, snowy, winter scene.

    What if?

    I asked myself that question this morning.  What if it’s okay to struggle?  What if it’s okay to have chronic fatigue syndrome that can be deeply debilitating?  What if it’s okay that I have been having a hard time these last several years?

    After all, what am I other than a human being, living this specific life?

    This life that is so full of beauty, amazing people, a safe and cozy home in the country, and so much more goodness? A life that has also made me cry from pure exhaustion so many times and has left me feeling completely broken?

    I am feeling open to the possibility this morning that this is exactly what life is.  What if it’s always meant to be exactly like this, despite all my efforts (some not always so kind to myself) to make things “better?” and to rise above it?

    What if there is nothing to rise above?  What if all this time, by trying to manage things and make things better, I have actually been missing what life truly is? Have I been missing the point?  To live my life? Just as I am, and just as it is?  Hmmm.

    I have been learning more about trauma and how I have worked so hard to keep myself and my family safe.  This is helping me be kinder to myself and to understand how and why being vulnerable and human has been difficult for me. 

    This morning, I am questioning more deeply and am wondering…what if this is it? What if the beauty and the pain, all mixed together, is exactly how life is supposed to be? 

    And I can be here for it, with my tools, supports, laughter, tears, smiles, dogs, friends, family, long walks on good days, and lying down on my really tired days, and finding and making time for enjoyment through it all.

    What if that is possible?  What if that has been the point all along?  To break down the false sense and need for perfection only to embrace life and myself, exactly as we are.  Hmmm, yes, that feels right.

    Wherever you are, however you feel, may you be filled with clarity and insights into your deepest what if questions. 

    Thanks for reading, may you be well, and may you be blessed with so much peace, whether life feels balanced and healthy or shitty and unfair.

    Hugs, Bradlee ♥️

    Ps here are 4 photos of me using fun filters to make you smile.

    A headshot of Bradlee in 4 overlapping polaroids
    Bradlee with a leopard hair band, sunglasses and artificially smooth skin
    Bradlee with a fake mustache, detective hat and trench coat
    Bradlee with a beard and fake spiky hair.

  • Changing Expectations

    Wood art with the words, "you are special, loved, adored."

    Well, it’s nearly the end of 2024, and I have  deep thoughts to share as the year comes to a close.

    I grew up at a time where success in life looked a certain way, and I recently realized how much I was holding myself to those societal expectations.

    As a person with a disability, I have been blaming and shaming myself for not being able to get over my chronic fatigue syndrome and for not being able to heal it no matter how hard I have tried. 

    It’s only after resting a lot these past few months that I can truly feel the depth of the fatigue I have with this condition. It’s as much a part of my whole being as any other part of me.  I honestly thought I was less of a person because of this condition, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.

    I have written posts in the past about how chronic fatigue has taught me to be more accepting and compassionate with myself.  And that is completely true, but I have reached a new depth of acceptance these last few weeks. 

    I feel like I can stop fighting now.  I can stop trying to be perfect, I can stop pretending that I can keep going while my health fails, and I can just stop, breathe, and be me, exactly as I am.

    It is a relief to stop fighting and I am hoping that I will continue to relax into this new state of being.  I can only imagine how healing that will be for me ❤️.

    During my reflections, I have realized that every life has value, no matter how the person living it experiences it.  Each way that we are different from each other is important and valid. 

    No more trying to fit humanity into tiny boxes, but instead, learning from each other and honouring the uniqueness of our individual experiences

    That is the new way that my heart is seeing the true measure of success in life.  Am I able to honour where I am at, with kindness and compassion?  And can I treat all people that way?  Wow, that would be a powerful way to live.

    And so, as we transition to 2025, I honour you, dearest reader.  Thank you for taking the time out of your precious life to read my reflections on getting a PhD in Being Me.

    Lastly, I created the piece of art above to remind myself that I am special, loved, and adored.  May you fill up with the message, too, and may you know just how precious and lovely you are, no matter the circumstances of your life.

    Big hugs, Bradlee ♥️

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Witnessing myself

    Early morning on a misty road
    A misty morning

    Sometimes I feel lonely.

    Sometimes I feel like I wish I could be seen more deeply and completely.

    Sometimes I feel so tired it’s hard to do much.

    Sometimes I feel like my being is surrounded by mist and I need the sun to rise more to transform it.

    Today feels joyous and celebratory, but heavy with a deep mist that has permeated my being.  It’s amazing how I can feel all of that at once.  Isn’t being a human amazing, miraculous, hard and wild?

    I have decided to start writing more.  When I write, I witness myself, and the heavy mists lessen, like I am my own sunshine, rising up within me, bringing light, new possibilities and strength to myself, just like our sun does for us and our planet.

    As I write this, I can already feel the lightness spreading, reminding me of how okay I am, even when my heart needs extra hugs, and especially when my hurts arise and need me to give myself more love, compassion and support.

    And so, I smile, I write, and I unite within me with every word I type.

    A campfire with low flames
    A slow burn campfire

    Last week, I had a campfire with and for myself.  It started out really blazing, and I decided to take a photo when it was at its slow burn point.  I was really struck by the white logs and the small flames dancing between the logs.  It served as a metaphor for my healing journey.  Every day and year, I grow and heal, not in a bonfire way, but in a slow burn way that allows me to feel, process, integrate and heal.

    Do I ever wish I could just hurry it up and be better faster?  YES!  Definitely. But, I know these wounds have been here for a long time, including from generations past, and I am learning to breathe, to be, to honour my wounded parts, and to hold space for them to heal and integrate fully into my beingness.

    And so I breathe, smile, write and relax.  May this post make you feel seen, witnessed and honoured in all the ways that you need.

    I will sign off wishing you all my best, lots of care, and many opportunities to know and feel how special you are.

    Big hugs,

    Bradlee, and Maggie and Archie, respectively, as seen below

    Me and Maggie, my dog, who has golden red fur with a white face
    Maggie and me
    Me and my dog, Archie, who has golden red fur with a white nose
    Archie and me

  • Inspiration

    Northern Lights in the sky
    The Northern Lights in my backyard

    I find it important lately to find inspiration from all possible sources.  I have been worn down by circumstances in my life, and I have felt how dysregulated my nervous system is and how truly exhausted I have been in all aspects of my being.

    I have taken several months off work to take better care of myself and my family as we navigate these challenges, and it feels amazing.  I am noticing just how tired, anxious and overstimulated I am, and I am paying attention.  It is a true gift to have this time to feel, notice and take care of myself and our family.

    I have been off work for a month, and I am really noticing what a boost I get from inspiring events and things.  For example, I went to my gorgeous niece’s beautiful wedding and it was so heart warming and incredible.  Getting an opportunity to celebrate two people in love made me feel amazing.  It really shows on my face in all of our photos (I am the one with the long hair).

    Photo of me dressed up and smiling
    Photo of me and my husband dressed up and smiling

    Getting to witness the Northern Lights in my own backyard also filled me with awe and wonder at our magnificent planet and cosmos.  Yes, I am one tired, stressed out lady, but the Lights were dancing regardless, and they made me feel wonderful.

    Northern Lights in the sky
    Northern Lights in the sky

    Sometimes, as the sun rises or sets, it just hits the top of the trees, and makes the dew on them sparkle. I love it when that happens!  The other morning, the sun rose and highlighted the spectacular colors of the leaves, while leaving the ground in darkness.

    Trees with yellow and orange leaves in the morning sun

    Life is tough sometimes, and I don’t always like how I feel.  If you are like me and you are grateful for so much, but also so very tired or any other feeling state, I send you a big hug.  May lots of beautiful inspiration come your way and uplift you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Rejoicing and Grieving

    Forest with pine trees and blue skies and clouds in between the trees
    A quiet spot in the forest where I live

    Rejoicing and grieving.

    Two seemingly opposing feelings, and yet, I have felt them both most of the week.

    I wonder if that is how a birch tree feels? It is always growing, yet shedding its bark.

    A close up image of the bark on a birch tree peeling off.
    A beautiful golden birch from the back of our quiet, majestic forest

    I learn a lot from nature. It is always teaching me how to relate to myself more kindly and how to interpret and understand my emotions and experiences.

    This week, I witnessed a rare total solar eclipse and it was breathtaking.  I felt all tingly and warm in my body and I felt my soul being held, nurtured and inspired during the 2 minutes of totality.  And yet, afterwards, especially the next day, I felt more delicate, disappointed and angry.  While those emotions were arising, I was also rejoicing in the total beauty and awesomeness that I felt from the totality.  It was like I was being opened up to release some hurt while also celebrating the gorgeousness of what I witnessed. 

    This theme continued throughout the week.  For example, I was grieving the loss of innocence I experienced as a result of traumatic events in my life, and yet, somehow, I was also celebrating my awareness of the impacts of those tough times, which lessened my inner load and helped me feel more free and empowered.

    Also, yesterday I had the honour of volunteering at and attending a local youth musical theatre production of The Little Mermaid that my teen and 28 other super talented youth performed.  I was filled with joy and awe as I listened as a young actress sang as Ariel.  Her voice was so heavenly, I literally felt like I was being blessed and filled with love as she sang.  It was truly incredible.  I was rejoicing in the abundance of talent, dedication, and overall fabulousness of everyone involved. 

    This morning, I am still revelling and rejoicing but also mourning.  I remember when I was younger and I played so many sports and participated in so many activities.  Having chronic fatigue syndrome gives me many opportunities to rejoice in the healthy and wise choices I make to take care of myself.  Conversely, I also mourn the loss of energy I used to have.  I volunteered yesterday and it was so much fun, but it’s not something I can do often because of my limited energy reserves.  Mourning what I miss out on feels healthy, despite it being sad that I can’t, especially with my big, caring heart, do or help as much as I’d like.

    I learned this week that rejoicing and mourning are not mutually exclusive. What a beautiful gift this week has given me.  I can celebrate the majesty of nature and the tremendous, heavenly gifts of the youth in my community, all while grieving my past and present, and celebrating all the healthy decisions I make to care for myself.

    May you be blessed with so much gentleness as you experience all the richness and depth that life has to offer. 

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    A collection of photos from one of my walks in the forest this week.  The forest looks different with each passing day of spring, just as I keep growing, shedding the old, and blossoming anew.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved

  • The burden I carry

    A hand holding up a lit up light bulb against a starry sky
    Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com

    I have become more aware of the emotional wounds I have lately. Over the last several years, I have often felt very heavy, tired and weighed down. It’s like I am carrying a heavy load that is made up of all the past hurts and traumatic events in my life. Some days, I don’t even notice the weight and other times I am so very aware of the load I am carrying and it feels like a tremendous burden.

    In the past, I wanted to ignore or push away that burden. I wanted nothing to do with it and I did everything I could to try to “magic” it away through various healing modalities. Here I am, several years later, and I am much older, wiser and kinder to myself, but I am still carrying this emotional weight.

    This afternoon on a walk, it came to me that it is okay to carry this burden. It is a very valid burden to carry. It represents my pain and trauma, and those of my ancestors. I am carrying it for all of us, and I will continue to carry it, hold it and witness what it has to share for as long as is necessary. This emotional burden is no different than having an injured knee, hip or shoulder. You can’t see me physically limping or adjusting how I hold a physical burden, but I am carrying it nonetheless.

    And maybe it isn’t actually a burden? Maybe the fact that I am aware of these emotional wounds and weight automatically converts it from something that is a burden to carry to something I can be honoured to carry for myself, for my family and for those who came before me? Maybe in my family, we’ve been carrying it for a long time and I will have the opportunity to break any cycles of abuse, neglect, hurt and harm, but not before carrying it, understanding it, nurturing it and thanking it.

    Those are a lot of maybes, but they feel like good maybes. Maybe today is the day where I see things differently, from a burden to an honour, and from that place, only good can come? Just this week, I started seeing a therapist to better understand trauma, intergenerational trauma, the effect trauma has on our brains and bodies, and to learn how I can better nurture myself. I am excited, scared, nervous and ready. Maybe this post reflects all of those feelings?

    No matter where you are in your journey of tending to and caring for your emotional wounds and burdens, I send you many blessings of care, respect, peace and deep, deep healing. May your heart be light and may you be well.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Done

    Early morning quiet at my place

    Sometimes I am done.

    I have nothing more to give, no more capacity to think things through, or to deal with differing opinions constructively or compassionately.

    When I am in this place, I rest.

    When cookies are finished baking, there is no point in keeping them in the oven because they’ll just burn. With people, it’s the same, and I have learned that the hard way.

    When I start waking up super early with a racing mind, a restless body, and an overall unsettled feeling, it is my beingness telling me, “hey, the timer’s beeping, take me out of the oven.”

    Today, I am honoring myself by recognizing this state of being by getting out of bed early, drawing a bath, writing about my experience and planning not to try to force my way through my day.

    Note: as I wrote the last sentence above a few days ago, I knew right away that my plan wasn’t enough. I got into the bath and cried a bit and knew that I needed a day off of work. Even though I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I still sometimes find it hard to take a day off. Starting this post gave me the time and space within myself to actually reflect on my needs and to give myself permission to meet them.

    I really like the analogy I started above about not baking cookies longer than they need or else they’ll burn. I definitely don’t want to burn myself out again, like I did in 2016.

    May we all be blessed with the space, means and support we need to notice how we are doing, and to take the steps we need to care for and nurture ourselves when we are done. I believe it is okay to set the timer so the cookies come out of the oven before they burn, may we all be empowered and supported to do the same for ourselves.

    Big hugs 💕

    Cookies on a baking sheet
    Cookies I happily made the other day. I watched them carefully while they were in the oven.
    May we all do the same for ourselves so we can heed our warning signals that it’s time to rest and ‘get out of the oven’ of busyness and stress

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved