PhD in Being Me

Category: Chronic fatigue syndrome

  • Empathy is my super power

    A beautiful sunset sky with purple, yellow, pink and orange clouds.

    The other day, I was having a conversation at work, and I said some very wise words that helped me to know that empathy is my superpower.

    We were talking about some people who seem superhuman because they can work 16 hour days for long periods of time. My colleague seemed like they were judging themselves for not being able to do that, and I said something like,

    You have superhuman powers at work even if you don’t work 16 hour days. You bring empathy, compassion, and understanding to your employees, and that is a superpower.

    I could tell it helped my colleague for me to recognize their awesomeness and it sure helped me. It is easy for me to judge myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome and for not having bountiful amounts of energy. It isn’t always easy to remember the wonderful ways that I contribute to the lives of those around me thanks to my empathy, compassion and understanding. I was grateful for a chance to be reminded of that.

    Living with empathy and leading with kindness and compassion are true bad ass ways of living. It is much easier to judge others, push them away or to “other” them. I know that because over the last 20 years I have been unlearning those habits and have been opening up to the wellspring of light, love, care and compassion that were always within me, just waiting to be discovered.

    If you are reading this, I am smiling at you! I am encouraging you and cheering you on! What might your superpower be? Are you up for taking a moment to acknowledge the good you do just by being exactly as you are?

    If you don’t know what your superpower is yet, may you have a joyful time discovering it. May you get a PhD in Being You each and every day as you get to know yourself better.

    I send you big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • An empty shell – a poem

    An empty shell – a poem

    I am feeling empty
    Hollow
    I exist only as a shell of myself

    I can feel the need to look for me
    On Facebook, Instagram, in the eyes of another 
    In writing this blog post

    I have been here before
    It is lonely and vacuous
    And nothing I think, do, eat, or consume seems to touch it or fill me back up

    So I rest
    I lie down
    I listen to my self-love playlist
    I close the door and spend time with my shell
    I breathe and watch my belly rise and fall
    I smile because why not
    And  know I will feel better through being kind to myself instead of running away and trying to find me on the outside

    I want to blame others for how I feel
    But I know how I am feeling is no one's fault
    It is a simple signal to stop, breathe, be with myself and pull out of the endless cycle of doing and consuming more

    With every breath I take today,
    May I nourish, rejuvenate, and revitalize all parts of me
    May the echoes of my self-care reach you, no matter where you are or how you feel
    May we all turn inwards to find our peace and ourselves 
    Big hugs and deep beautiful breaths to you
    A short video from my resting self to you!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Snails are slow, and sometimes, so am I

    A close up image of a snail, with its two antenna extended and its shell in the background.
    Snails are so cute, they make me smile

    I love snails. I often pick them up off the road and place them on the plants on the side of the road. I love watching how slowly and deliberately they move along a plant or the ground. They bring their homes wherever they go, and they seem to enjoy taking their time to get where they are going.

    When I walk the dogs and I come across a group of snails, I always want to stop and just watch them. For such little, slow-moving creatures, they have such an ability to inspire and bring joy. They remind me that even though I move slowly with chronic fatigue sometimes, I can still inspire and bring joy.

    A snail’s life is no less important than a fast cheetah’s, so it makes me wonder why I have put so much pressure on myself to get better and be faster than I am now. I have learned so much from having chronic fatigue syndrome. I am now more effective, efficient, and productive, and I excel at resting and paying attention to my precious body’s cues. Because I have limited energy, I use what I have wisely and only on tasks that matter to me and have high value.

    I love how the cute little snails on my road gave me such an opportunity to validate and appreciate myself, even on days where I move slower than a snail.

    No matter what pace you can go in your daily life, or how far you go, may you know that your life and you matter and are perfectly valid. Big hugs and thanks for reading.

    A snail with a striped shell on a yellow flower
    You matter, no matter how fast or slowly you move through life
  • Building resilience and what does that even mean?

    Building resilience and what does that even mean?

    Orange and yellow clouds against a purple and blue sky. Birds are flying across the sky.
    Learning to fly takes practice, and sometimes going back to our nest is required xoxoxo

    I used to think that I was broken because I can feel things so deeply in my mind, body, soul and heart. I used to think I was not good enough because I was always working on myself.

    In writing on this blog, and reading my beautiful friend Carla’s comments, and the comments of some other fabulous friends on Facebook, I can see that I have been looking at myself all wrong.

    As I’m working on myself and learning to get a PhD in Being Me, I’m not broken. I am damn good enough. What I’m doing is building resilience. I’m not repairing or fixing myself, I am learning to be me, and what I need to do to thrive in this world as me.

    What do you need dearest reader? What can I write about that will help you become more resilient, and to embody more of you? Please share in the comments or on the Contact me page. You matter and I care very much about what I write for you. I invite you to help me meet your needs better by sharing with me!

    Big hugs!

    A 4 minute video about my struggles and how I am building resilience each time I make it through hardship

  • What about me?

    There is this little and sometimes quite loud voice inside me that whispers or yells, “What about me?”

    A short video to help explain the concepts in this post. May it help you connect with yourself in helpful ways ♥️

    I was listening to a super compassionate meditation on Insight Timer from the Biomedical Institute of Yoga and Meditation and I heard “What about me?” from inside me, quite loudly. For the rest of the day my body hurt and I was completely exhausted. This voice speaks for all the times I felt cast aside, abused, neglected, and forced. It represents so much unprocessed pain about certain aspects of my life. Part of getting a PhD in Being Me is learning to honor and care for yourself when feeling your worst. I felt so terribly, I was feeling more like I was in kindergarten compared to working on a PhD ❤️.

    A day later, I still felt that “What about me” presence. It felt heavy, painful and nearly frantic. To be honest, I can understand those feelings. Listening to that beautiful meditation triggered some of my most traumatic memories and helped me to understand how much pain they truly caused. I honor my “What about me” self. It has good reason to whisper and yell, and it is very justified in coming forward to affirm its presence and role in my life.

    Here I am, feeling so heavy, so unsure of how to hold myself while I acknowledge and feel the pain and anger and exhaustion this part of me has been carrying by herself. I slow down, take deep breaths and follow what my mind, heart and body are asking me to do. I write this post. I listen to beautiful music by Destined Dynamics. I cry and tell my husband about my fears and hurt. By doing these things, I create more space for this bruised, broken, hurt and victimized part of me.

    Going forward, I will hold her and me, until our breath and voices unite and we are together as one. I will look in the mirror and see my pain and my resilience and smile. I will feel the pain inside me. I will rise up because the root has showed me how to pull her out of that infertile garden and plant her in my heart, where I can nurture her with the sunlight and rains of my care and attention. I love you Miss What About Me. You matter and you are worthy. Thank you for revealing yourself to me, please teach me how best to care for you.

    If you are working through living with a chronic physical or mental health condition (I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety), or are working through trauma of any kind, I see you and I am with you. You matter and I wish you so much ease, love, gentleness and care. Big hugs.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Being while doing

     

    An early morning sun shining through clouds and trees
    A lovely moment when I stopped, took in the beauty of the sunrise and basked in its glory

    I really liked the subject of yesterday’s post, remembering the human in all of us (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/07/13/for-the-human-in-all-of-us/). Today, I am taking the concept a bit further by explaining my own troubles with losing myself in doing things.

    When I am tired, which is often because I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities.  When I am in that place, walking the dogs is not a pleasure, it’s a chore, taking care of the chickens is mechanical and cleaning or washing up feels like I am dragging my body around.  It’s a really sad state of affairs, but it’s the honest truth sometimes.  Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how being miserable while living my life isn’t ideal, in fact it’s just really sad and not what I want. 

    I’ve decided to start being while doing.  What I mean is this: When I check on the chickens, I want to see them, be with them, and honor them and me.  It doesn’t mean I’m going to sit with them for an hour and talk to each of them. It more means that I will take the time to look at and be with them while I check on them.  Would I like to interact with them when I check on them?  Would it bring me joy to stop, bend down, notice the gorgeous reflection of the sun in their feathers, and how soft they feel on my fingertips?  I think it’s a simple change, but one that can have a beautiful and miraculous impact for me and those I am interacting with, including the chickens, dogs, my family, co-workers, the plants in my garden and my home while I take care of it.

    I have known this for a long time, I’ve written poems about it as a way of teaching myself to be present and mindful and appreciative of my life, even the less enjoyable parts, while I’m living it.  What I’m realizing lately is that I had forgotten about it among the various stressors with my health, my family’s health and the state of the world, especially after the covid battle. 

    How do you feel while reading this post?  Do you resonate with what I’m sharing?  Would you like to shine more of the light of your beautiful heart and mind on the tasks you do in your life?  If so, I invite you to join me.  If you don’t know how, I’ll share a bit about what works for me to bring my presence to my life:

    • I look in the mirror when I’m in the washroom and I make sure I make eye contact with myself.  I usually smile too, even if I’m not feeling great that day, just to give myself a little boost and some care, right from me to me.
    • I try not to rush around doing chores.  I make a list and identify the ones I really have to do, and I give myself permission to go at the pace that feels best for me.  Playing some great music seems to remind me to enjoy life while doing chores too.  Dancing or singing while cleaning reminds me of my humanity.
    • I remind myself that I am a human being, not a human doing.  I take my time when I need to use the washroom, instead of just treating it like a means to an end.
    • Before I walk the dogs, I take a few deep breaths and remind myself how much I love them.  If the walk is stressful, I sing gently to myself or go through what I’m grateful for, or what I wish I could be grateful for (thanks for that tip Matt Kahn!).
    • I take short breathing breaks throughout the day to give my body more of the vitality that comes from consciously attending to my breath. 

    Over the next few posts, I’ll share some of my poetry that speaks to this topic.  With every breath you take, may you know, feel and sense your beautiful presence and may you feel the majesty and the grace of the light of your own care and attention.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • When rest is best

    An unmade bed that is ready to climb into for rest
    A bed ready to rest in!

    Living with chronic fatigue syndrome can be quite confusing and hard. I remember being a student athlete, working full time and working on a Master’s degree in another city, and other wonderful examples of having energy. I also know that having this medical condition has taught me so much about myself and has given me a chance to know myself better and to heal some big wounds.

    I can only write about my experience of chronic fatigue syndrome, and my experiences will likely be different from those of others. I acknowledge, honor, and respect everyone with a chronic condition, no matter how their symptoms manifest.

    The thing I struggle with the most is not comparing myself to others who aren’t constantly tired. I look at the volunteers in my community and how hard they work, and I am in awe and jealous all at once. Chronic fatigue syndrome has taught me to focus on my own experience of life more. To notice how it feels to live the life I have, even when I sometimes want it to be different.

    I don’t have control over if I get better (believe me, I have tried), but I do have control over the choices I make each day. I can choose to notice that my head hurts and I am feeling nauseous. Both of those are my precious body’s way of saying, “hey, rest is what I need, not more doing.” Being respectful of myself means listening to my body, honoring any emotions I feel about needing to lie down, and giving myself permission to rest in a world that is so very busy.

    I have struggled with this a lot and am much kinder to myself now. I still whine and moan sometimes because my emotional maturity level goes down the more tired I get. Despite this, I am proud of how much easier it is for me to make choices that are in my best interests. I am proud of myself for developing boundaries and finding the courage to speak up about them. I am proud of myself for developing a stronger sense of self worth despite having this condition. I would still like to get better at not comparing my energy to others and not judging myself, but I recognize I am getting better at this. I have such a wonderful life, I don’t want to miss out on it just because I am chronically tired. May we all be blessed with knowing when rest is best and with the ability to be so kind to ourselves.

    I dedicate this post to my beautiful body for teaching me about when rest is best and to chronic fatigue syndrome for helping me polish my interior and exterior so I can shine brighter than ever before despite this condition. May we all be blessed to know how life is always here to help us, even when life isn’t how we want it to be. Big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • To Be Human

    A photo of the blogger with straight black and white hair, wearing a black shirt.
    Here I am, feeling fabulous after getting my hair done in December 2023

    To be human.

    What is it really?

    Is it to be perfect, to have everything organized and controlled?

    Or it is about acknowledging that life gets messy and choosing gratitude anyway?

    Is it about having everything society tells me I should have?

    Or is it about making the best with what I’ve got and dreaming big anyway?

    Is it about doing what everyone else is doing and what they expect of me?

    Or it is about following my intuition and my heart’s song regardless of how others choose to live their lives?

    The older I get, the less I want to be any way other than exactly how I am.

    Even when I don’t always like how I am.

    I don’t always like having chronic fatigue syndrome and having to budget my energy and my time. I don’t like having to decline so many lovely invitations from people I care about.

    I don’t always like how sensitive and anxious I am, especially when I get tired, which is often.

    I don’t always like having to work because it uses so much of my energy and so little of my heart’s desires.

    But I do like everything these aspects of my life have taught me.

    To own who I am, from the inside out.

    To know that I have tremendous worth even if I am super tired most days. My fatigue has taught me how to love and accept myself in ways I never dreamed possible. It inspired the idea of getting a Phd in Being Me, and made me want to share everything I’ve learned and continue to learn with others.

    To know that I am worthy of love and nurturing when I am sensitive and anxious, instead of just wishing I was “stronger”. My sensitivity is my greatest gift and what allows me to write these posts and dream of becoming a motivational speaker and self-help author.

    To know that I can let my heart sing at a job I only like, not love, because its song is so beautiful and it nurtures me. My job and its environment have inspired to live my life as authentically as possible, and to rest and care for myself when my environment tries to stifle my heart’s song.

    To be human.

    A lovely, caring, intelligent, dedicated, compassionate, empathic, tired, anxious, sensitive, easily stressed human.

    I’ll take it and I’m choosing to make the best of my life. May we all be blessed with empowerment, inspiration, prosperity and abundance to live our best lives and inspire others as we do it, no matter how messy or imperfect our lives or we may be.

    With so much love,

    Bradlee

    A photo of the blogger. She has dark and white hair, with a turquoise shirt.
    Here I am, writing this post, on a super tired day! To be human, it’s the good, the bad and everything in between!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Literally overflowing with love

    A heart with lots of sparkly lights around it.
    Photo by Ugur Tandogan on Pexels.com

    Living with chronic fatigue syndrome is sometimes at odds with who I am.  I am a big hearted person who loves to connect with others, share hugs, give compassion and acknowledgement and more hugs.  Being chronically tired means that I can’t always do that because I don’t have enough physical, energetic or emotional energy to share.  I think that is actually the hardest part of it all.  The awesome gift in it all is that I have learned to be more discerning.  I carefully consider where, when and how to connect with others, so it is really meaningful for me and them.

    On Sunday, I got to be a backstage helper at the Kemptville Youth Musical Theatre Company’s production of Matilda.  My teen is in the show and it is truly spectacular.  I offered to help as a “den mother,” which meant that all I had to do was show up after the performance, help in the dressing rooms, and gently nudge the performers to tidy, put their costumes away and get out of there so everyone could get home to rest or celebrate.  I was really tired on Sunday, but I could feel my heart overflowing with love for these youth and the fabulous people who volunteered so many hours to give the youth this incredible, life-building experience.  I decided that I was going to go there, tired or not and be me, to the fullest extent of me.  I drove to the store, bought healthy juice and granola bars, and then waited excitedly at the theatre for the show to end so I could surround the performers with love, compliments, food and drink. 

    The amazing Matilda cast!!
    Photo by Jennifer Boggett Photography

    Honestly, seeing them all come backstage after greeting their adoring audience made me overflow and explode with love.  I could literally feel myself lighting up that narrow corridor and filling it with love, safety and joy.  The performers all had different reactions to my varying exclamations of, “I’m so proud of you, I’m Zara’s mom, I love you all and I brought you snacks and juice instead of being a strict den mother.”  It made me feel so good and I could see it uplifting them too. 

    I am constantly amazed at what happens when I give myself permission to be me, regardless of what other adults around me are doing.  I’m 43 and I felt more like my true self in that little hallway than I have in many other situations.  I really think the magic ingredient was that I allowed myself to be me, in all of my ridiculous joy, innocence and happiness.  It lifted me up for the remainder of the evening and really taught me something really important.  I feel my best when I am my authentic self.  I definitely got closer to getting a PhD in Being Me that afternoon.  Yay for that!

    I also want to acknowledge that I was my authentic self while I was showering everyone with lots of love and food, but I didn’t try to hide that I struggle with the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety sometimes.  I still had some shy moments and I still had to sit on the floor for a bit to rest.  I loved it.  I was authentically all of me, no shame, no hiding, no trying to be someone else, I just actually brought all of me and I loved it.  I learned to love and appreciate all aspects of me even more during that experience.

    May you have many opportunities to witness your glory, no matter how much you may be struggling with certain areas of your life.  The ability to shine is so incredible, even for the shortest moments, especially if you are also struggling with overwhelm, despair or turmoil like I do sometimes.  No matter where you are at, I honor you. I celebrate you.  May you know how special you are and how worthy you are of being seen, heard and witnessed.  Every step, no matter how small, counts.  And it counts for a lot.  There is no rush at the school of PhD in Being Me.  There is no curriculum, no set lesson plan.  It’s just you, exploring life as you, and learning what makes you feel good, what makes you feel angry or unsafe and adjusting to give yourself more love and support. 

    Big hugs and thanks for reading.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Finding My Power

    Image of flames

    I have been scared and intimidated by anger in the past.  I have also been wanting to get to know my anger and to create more space for it within me.

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome.  Over the last several years, I have hated myself for it, resented, blamed and berated myself and my body for it. I have also lost myself in efforts to “get rid of it” so I could get back to my life without it.  I have tried many ways to heal, those that honored me and my precious body and those that were just a means to an end.

    This past week I thought to myself that I would just stop.  Just stop trying to get better, to overcome this and just be me regardless of whether I like having chronic fatigue or not.  It felt very nice, like I could finally relax and just be.  Ironically then, yesterday I met two people who offered me suggestions of other options or paths I could take. At first it felt nice to have more hope but a few hours later I felt angry. I felt it traveling up the right side of my body, burning.  I felt it and I knew. 

    This is my power.  This anger is me saying enough, reminding me that I am the one with the power to make my own decisions, the only one who can choose to stop trying and just be.  The one who can appreciate that there may be other avenues to explore but who needs a rest from exploring.  As I type this, I feel incredibly empowered and accepting of myself. I don’t feel like I am giving up on myself. If anything, my anger has led me to a deeper sense of home, acceptance and belonging within me.

    It’s 3:54am and I felt so moved by my anger that I needed to type this out.  I had just woken up 25 minutes ago to use the washroom and I felt so full of thoughts that I decided to breathe and allow my breath to empty me out so I could go back to sleep. I felt dizzy with how overflowing I was with thoughts but then I remembered the beautiful anger I had felt while brushing my teeth before bed and I reclaimed my power again and starting typing.  Now I feel like I am my own super hero with a calm mind and heart.  I am here, loving and honoring myself and my need “to be” instead of “pursue”.

    Will I ever try other ways to heal my chronic fatigue? Absolutely.  When will I start that exploration?  When the time feels right.

    Thank you my beautiful mind, body and heart for all you do. And thank you anger for teaching me to honor my needs and boundaries and for guiding me to my inner peace and power. No matter where you are in your life and what you are dealing with, may you be blessed with so much inner power, strength, inspiration and peace.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.