PhD in Being Me

Category: Chronic fatigue syndrome

  • Being while doing

     

    An early morning sun shining through clouds and trees
    A lovely moment when I stopped, took in the beauty of the sunrise and basked in its glory

    I really liked the subject of yesterday’s post, remembering the human in all of us (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/07/13/for-the-human-in-all-of-us/). Today, I am taking the concept a bit further by explaining my own troubles with losing myself in doing things.

    When I am tired, which is often because I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities.  When I am in that place, walking the dogs is not a pleasure, it’s a chore, taking care of the chickens is mechanical and cleaning or washing up feels like I am dragging my body around.  It’s a really sad state of affairs, but it’s the honest truth sometimes.  Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how being miserable while living my life isn’t ideal, in fact it’s just really sad and not what I want. 

    I’ve decided to start being while doing.  What I mean is this: When I check on the chickens, I want to see them, be with them, and honor them and me.  It doesn’t mean I’m going to sit with them for an hour and talk to each of them. It more means that I will take the time to look at and be with them while I check on them.  Would I like to interact with them when I check on them?  Would it bring me joy to stop, bend down, notice the gorgeous reflection of the sun in their feathers, and how soft they feel on my fingertips?  I think it’s a simple change, but one that can have a beautiful and miraculous impact for me and those I am interacting with, including the chickens, dogs, my family, co-workers, the plants in my garden and my home while I take care of it.

    I have known this for a long time, I’ve written poems about it as a way of teaching myself to be present and mindful and appreciative of my life, even the less enjoyable parts, while I’m living it.  What I’m realizing lately is that I had forgotten about it among the various stressors with my health, my family’s health and the state of the world, especially after the covid battle. 

    How do you feel while reading this post?  Do you resonate with what I’m sharing?  Would you like to shine more of the light of your beautiful heart and mind on the tasks you do in your life?  If so, I invite you to join me.  If you don’t know how, I’ll share a bit about what works for me to bring my presence to my life:

    • I look in the mirror when I’m in the washroom and I make sure I make eye contact with myself.  I usually smile too, even if I’m not feeling great that day, just to give myself a little boost and some care, right from me to me.
    • I try not to rush around doing chores.  I make a list and identify the ones I really have to do, and I give myself permission to go at the pace that feels best for me.  Playing some great music seems to remind me to enjoy life while doing chores too.  Dancing or singing while cleaning reminds me of my humanity.
    • I remind myself that I am a human being, not a human doing.  I take my time when I need to use the washroom, instead of just treating it like a means to an end.
    • Before I walk the dogs, I take a few deep breaths and remind myself how much I love them.  If the walk is stressful, I sing gently to myself or go through what I’m grateful for, or what I wish I could be grateful for (thanks for that tip Matt Kahn!).
    • I take short breathing breaks throughout the day to give my body more of the vitality that comes from consciously attending to my breath. 

    Over the next few posts, I’ll share some of my poetry that speaks to this topic.  With every breath you take, may you know, feel and sense your beautiful presence and may you feel the majesty and the grace of the light of your own care and attention.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • When rest is best

    An unmade bed that is ready to climb into for rest
    A bed ready to rest in!

    Living with chronic fatigue syndrome can be quite confusing and hard. I remember being a student athlete, working full time and working on a Master’s degree in another city, and other wonderful examples of having energy. I also know that having this medical condition has taught me so much about myself and has given me a chance to know myself better and to heal some big wounds.

    I can only write about my experience of chronic fatigue syndrome, and my experiences will likely be different from those of others. I acknowledge, honor, and respect everyone with a chronic condition, no matter how their symptoms manifest.

    The thing I struggle with the most is not comparing myself to others who aren’t constantly tired. I look at the volunteers in my community and how hard they work, and I am in awe and jealous all at once. Chronic fatigue syndrome has taught me to focus on my own experience of life more. To notice how it feels to live the life I have, even when I sometimes want it to be different.

    I don’t have control over if I get better (believe me, I have tried), but I do have control over the choices I make each day. I can choose to notice that my head hurts and I am feeling nauseous. Both of those are my precious body’s way of saying, “hey, rest is what I need, not more doing.” Being respectful of myself means listening to my body, honoring any emotions I feel about needing to lie down, and giving myself permission to rest in a world that is so very busy.

    I have struggled with this a lot and am much kinder to myself now. I still whine and moan sometimes because my emotional maturity level goes down the more tired I get. Despite this, I am proud of how much easier it is for me to make choices that are in my best interests. I am proud of myself for developing boundaries and finding the courage to speak up about them. I am proud of myself for developing a stronger sense of self worth despite having this condition. I would still like to get better at not comparing my energy to others and not judging myself, but I recognize I am getting better at this. I have such a wonderful life, I don’t want to miss out on it just because I am chronically tired. May we all be blessed with knowing when rest is best and with the ability to be so kind to ourselves.

    I dedicate this post to my beautiful body for teaching me about when rest is best and to chronic fatigue syndrome for helping me polish my interior and exterior so I can shine brighter than ever before despite this condition. May we all be blessed to know how life is always here to help us, even when life isn’t how we want it to be. Big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • To Be Human

    A photo of the blogger with straight black and white hair, wearing a black shirt.
    Here I am, feeling fabulous after getting my hair done in December 2023

    To be human.

    What is it really?

    Is it to be perfect, to have everything organized and controlled?

    Or it is about acknowledging that life gets messy and choosing gratitude anyway?

    Is it about having everything society tells me I should have?

    Or is it about making the best with what I’ve got and dreaming big anyway?

    Is it about doing what everyone else is doing and what they expect of me?

    Or it is about following my intuition and my heart’s song regardless of how others choose to live their lives?

    The older I get, the less I want to be any way other than exactly how I am.

    Even when I don’t always like how I am.

    I don’t always like having chronic fatigue syndrome and having to budget my energy and my time. I don’t like having to decline so many lovely invitations from people I care about.

    I don’t always like how sensitive and anxious I am, especially when I get tired, which is often.

    I don’t always like having to work because it uses so much of my energy and so little of my heart’s desires.

    But I do like everything these aspects of my life have taught me.

    To own who I am, from the inside out.

    To know that I have tremendous worth even if I am super tired most days. My fatigue has taught me how to love and accept myself in ways I never dreamed possible. It inspired the idea of getting a Phd in Being Me, and made me want to share everything I’ve learned and continue to learn with others.

    To know that I am worthy of love and nurturing when I am sensitive and anxious, instead of just wishing I was “stronger”. My sensitivity is my greatest gift and what allows me to write these posts and dream of becoming a motivational speaker and self-help author.

    To know that I can let my heart sing at a job I only like, not love, because its song is so beautiful and it nurtures me. My job and its environment have inspired to live my life as authentically as possible, and to rest and care for myself when my environment tries to stifle my heart’s song.

    To be human.

    A lovely, caring, intelligent, dedicated, compassionate, empathic, tired, anxious, sensitive, easily stressed human.

    I’ll take it and I’m choosing to make the best of my life. May we all be blessed with empowerment, inspiration, prosperity and abundance to live our best lives and inspire others as we do it, no matter how messy or imperfect our lives or we may be.

    With so much love,

    Bradlee

    A photo of the blogger. She has dark and white hair, with a turquoise shirt.
    Here I am, writing this post, on a super tired day! To be human, it’s the good, the bad and everything in between!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Literally overflowing with love

    A heart with lots of sparkly lights around it.
    Photo by Ugur Tandogan on Pexels.com

    Living with chronic fatigue syndrome is sometimes at odds with who I am.  I am a big hearted person who loves to connect with others, share hugs, give compassion and acknowledgement and more hugs.  Being chronically tired means that I can’t always do that because I don’t have enough physical, energetic or emotional energy to share.  I think that is actually the hardest part of it all.  The awesome gift in it all is that I have learned to be more discerning.  I carefully consider where, when and how to connect with others, so it is really meaningful for me and them.

    On Sunday, I got to be a backstage helper at the Kemptville Youth Musical Theatre Company’s production of Matilda.  My teen is in the show and it is truly spectacular.  I offered to help as a “den mother,” which meant that all I had to do was show up after the performance, help in the dressing rooms, and gently nudge the performers to tidy, put their costumes away and get out of there so everyone could get home to rest or celebrate.  I was really tired on Sunday, but I could feel my heart overflowing with love for these youth and the fabulous people who volunteered so many hours to give the youth this incredible, life-building experience.  I decided that I was going to go there, tired or not and be me, to the fullest extent of me.  I drove to the store, bought healthy juice and granola bars, and then waited excitedly at the theatre for the show to end so I could surround the performers with love, compliments, food and drink. 

    The amazing Matilda cast!!
    Photo by Jennifer Boggett Photography

    Honestly, seeing them all come backstage after greeting their adoring audience made me overflow and explode with love.  I could literally feel myself lighting up that narrow corridor and filling it with love, safety and joy.  The performers all had different reactions to my varying exclamations of, “I’m so proud of you, I’m Zara’s mom, I love you all and I brought you snacks and juice instead of being a strict den mother.”  It made me feel so good and I could see it uplifting them too. 

    I am constantly amazed at what happens when I give myself permission to be me, regardless of what other adults around me are doing.  I’m 43 and I felt more like my true self in that little hallway than I have in many other situations.  I really think the magic ingredient was that I allowed myself to be me, in all of my ridiculous joy, innocence and happiness.  It lifted me up for the remainder of the evening and really taught me something really important.  I feel my best when I am my authentic self.  I definitely got closer to getting a PhD in Being Me that afternoon.  Yay for that!

    I also want to acknowledge that I was my authentic self while I was showering everyone with lots of love and food, but I didn’t try to hide that I struggle with the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety sometimes.  I still had some shy moments and I still had to sit on the floor for a bit to rest.  I loved it.  I was authentically all of me, no shame, no hiding, no trying to be someone else, I just actually brought all of me and I loved it.  I learned to love and appreciate all aspects of me even more during that experience.

    May you have many opportunities to witness your glory, no matter how much you may be struggling with certain areas of your life.  The ability to shine is so incredible, even for the shortest moments, especially if you are also struggling with overwhelm, despair or turmoil like I do sometimes.  No matter where you are at, I honor you. I celebrate you.  May you know how special you are and how worthy you are of being seen, heard and witnessed.  Every step, no matter how small, counts.  And it counts for a lot.  There is no rush at the school of PhD in Being Me.  There is no curriculum, no set lesson plan.  It’s just you, exploring life as you, and learning what makes you feel good, what makes you feel angry or unsafe and adjusting to give yourself more love and support. 

    Big hugs and thanks for reading.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Finding My Power

    Image of flames

    I have been scared and intimidated by anger in the past.  I have also been wanting to get to know my anger and to create more space for it within me.

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome.  Over the last several years, I have hated myself for it, resented, blamed and berated myself and my body for it. I have also lost myself in efforts to “get rid of it” so I could get back to my life without it.  I have tried many ways to heal, those that honored me and my precious body and those that were just a means to an end.

    This past week I thought to myself that I would just stop.  Just stop trying to get better, to overcome this and just be me regardless of whether I like having chronic fatigue or not.  It felt very nice, like I could finally relax and just be.  Ironically then, yesterday I met two people who offered me suggestions of other options or paths I could take. At first it felt nice to have more hope but a few hours later I felt angry. I felt it traveling up the right side of my body, burning.  I felt it and I knew. 

    This is my power.  This anger is me saying enough, reminding me that I am the one with the power to make my own decisions, the only one who can choose to stop trying and just be.  The one who can appreciate that there may be other avenues to explore but who needs a rest from exploring.  As I type this, I feel incredibly empowered and accepting of myself. I don’t feel like I am giving up on myself. If anything, my anger has led me to a deeper sense of home, acceptance and belonging within me.

    It’s 3:54am and I felt so moved by my anger that I needed to type this out.  I had just woken up 25 minutes ago to use the washroom and I felt so full of thoughts that I decided to breathe and allow my breath to empty me out so I could go back to sleep. I felt dizzy with how overflowing I was with thoughts but then I remembered the beautiful anger I had felt while brushing my teeth before bed and I reclaimed my power again and starting typing.  Now I feel like I am my own super hero with a calm mind and heart.  I am here, loving and honoring myself and my need “to be” instead of “pursue”.

    Will I ever try other ways to heal my chronic fatigue? Absolutely.  When will I start that exploration?  When the time feels right.

    Thank you my beautiful mind, body and heart for all you do. And thank you anger for teaching me to honor my needs and boundaries and for guiding me to my inner peace and power. No matter where you are in your life and what you are dealing with, may you be blessed with so much inner power, strength, inspiration and peace.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Chronic fatigue has taught me to love and accept myself

    At some point in my adolescence, I stopped thinking I was worth it. I believed that I was too sensitive, too much, too sick, too frequently injured, etc. So I just stopped caring about myself. I learned to ignore and push past my needs. I felt very lonely and sad and I really didn’t know what to do about it.

    Here I am, many years later, and I am still me: sensitive, chronically fatigued, anxious, yet full of love, generosity, smiles and kindness. The difference is that I know myself now and I am unlearning all of the ways I used to relate to myself. I see that I’m not too much, I’m actually pretty awesome and I know you are too. It’s my hope that by sharing more about how I’ve been relating to myself lately that it will help you to feel better about yourself, no matter what your circumstances are.

    Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels.com

    I used to be embarrassed to have chronic fatigue syndrome. As I have written in past posts, I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and I just needed to figure it out so I could get better. Lately, I have embraced being honest with myself and others about my medical condition and the massive limitations that come with it. It has been feeling really good to share more about it. In fact, I’m noticing that the more I share about it, the more I can feel my self-worth building. It’s like I’m breaking the cycles of abuse from my earlier years every time I share about myself and ask for extra support.

    I honestly feel that living with chronic fatigue has been what I’ve needed to unshackle myself and to learn that I am worthy of being listened to, cared for, supported and nurtured, both by myself and others. I have been feeling so supported lately and I really feel that it’s because I’ve given myself permission to have chronic fatigue syndrome and to be open about it. Isn’t that a funny concept? That by giving myself permission to actually be how I am has made my life easier and more enjoyable?

    I see that I am making really healthy choices each day for my body, soul and heart, and it’s okay to be exactly where I am at, even if I don’t always like it. I figure that I will keep doing my best to take care of myself and if my chronic fatigue will be healed, awesome. If it won’t in the near future or far future, then that will be awesome too. I’m really at a point where loving and caring for myself is what matters most, instead of just trying to get over myself or my circumstances.

    May this post lighten your load and inspire you about where you may be able to give yourself more permission in your life, including loving and accepting yourself. May you also know how special and wonderful you are, no matter what.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • How a total lunar eclipse helped me

    Photo by Alex Andrews on Pexels.com

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety, but I also have a huge heart, a cute innocence about the way I interact with the world, a love of swearing, a tall, strong body and an awakening consciousness that sometimes truly humbles and astounds me.

    That was a long sentence, but it was needed to show the greater totality of me. I am not just one aspect of my beingness, I am it all. And no one part is any greater or less worthy than other, and that is what the total lunar eclipse I witnessed the other day reminded me of.

    My husband Robbin told us that we could witness the eclipse between 3 and 6am. I thought it would be awesome to observe but sleep is very critical to my days so I didn’t plan to wake up. At 4:30am though, I felt this call from deep within me to awaken. It was really different than how I usually wake up in the early morning hours, it really was a calling. When I woke up enough, I realized it was the eclipse calling to me.

    I hurried out of bed and went out onto the back deck, and there it was. A gorgeous full moon that was so bright but with a significant portion of it covered in darkness. I felt so alive and grateful, I stayed out there getting colder and feeling the beauty and power in what I was so blessed to witness.

    I climbed back into bed and opened the curtains so I could watch the transition to a full eclipse while lying down. It was an incredible and awe-inspiring experience. I got to watch our backyard and the moon transform from fully illuminated to being covered in darkness, just like in the image at the top of this post.

    I ran outside again as there was only the tiniest sliver of light showing on the edge of the moon. I drank in the magic and mystery of this beautiful eclipse and it fed me deep in my soul and bones. I couldn’t seem to get enough. As I returned to bed and continued to watch, I saw the parallel between the total lunar eclipse and my life.

    It seemed like the time leading up to the total eclipse went by very quickly, but when the moon was completely dark, it stayed that way for so long. While totally dark, the moon was deep orange/brown, which showed me that the light reflecting off the moon was still there, and was likely visible in other parts of the world (I am no astronomer 😁).

    Seeing how long the moon was covered in darkness made me think of my chronic fatigue. I mentioned in earlier posts how I used to think I was doing something wrong by being so drained and tired. The eclipse showed me how even a miraculous process to witness has a process and stages, just like me.

    The phase of total darkness was no less incredible than gazing at a bright full moon in the sky. It was equally worthy of my awe and attention, if not more worthy because it only happens rarely as opposed to the near daily experience I have of seeing the moon in the sky.

    The total lunar eclipse reminded me that there is beauty, worth and value in our most dark stages, and that darkness is not synonymous with bad. In fact, I have learned so much about self-love, self-care and compassion for myself and others through this time period in my life. Thank you total lunar eclipse and chronic fatigue. Thank you for your gifts. With every breath I take, may I be open to receiving them and less in a hurry to move past this important and worthy phase of my life.

    No matter where you are in life with your physical, emotional, energetic, financial, or spiritual health, may you be blessed with an abundance of love, peace, inspiration, clarity and heavily light to guide you.

    With love, Bradlee 💕💕💕

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.