PhD in Being Me

Category: Self-Love

  • To the many me’s who came before – a letter

    An art therapy piece with a painting of a young Bradlee with colors all around her and supportive words

    Hey Bradlees!

    You are so very special and important to me.  I am sitting outside as the sun is setting and I thought of writing you all a letter to let you know how awesome you are and have always been.

    You were such a sweet, innocent and excited child.  Sensitive, easily overwhelmed and confused by the ways of the world, but no less precious for it.  From the beginning you were someone who could sense the undercurrent in life and you wanted to help others who felt it like you did. I’m still like that now, I hope you’d be proud of the person I’ve become.

    You really loved being at school – you were good at it and you had such wonderful friends.  All the schools you went to helped you feel like you belonged and you mattered, thank goodness for that.  I remember how in elementary school you would get everyone to sing songs on school trips.  I remember your first kiss with Mark and how the whole school was talking about it.  You were tough when you needed to be, but very soft, caring and sensitive, and confused about how to make things work with friends, with young romances and how to get things right so you could feel safe.

    I remember the heartbreaks of a boy, Chris, choosing Sonia over you.  I remember going to a different high school than my good friends and thinking that meant they didn’t like me any more.  Oh, how young life was confusing, but the truth is, it still is.  I’m 46 and the difference is that I have more experience now, but life is still complex.

    Gosh, so much time has passed.  You’ve had so many incredible opportunities and friendships and some very deeply traumatic times.  Please know that thanks to you, and everything you’ve learned, overcome and experienced, I am the person I am today.  I treaure and appreciate you.  Thank you for everything you went through.  Thanks for all the hard lessons you learned.  Thank you for leading with your values even before you knew that you were. 

    I think of all the me’s who came before and I am grateful for you all.  The one who was exhausted but signed up for a work opportunity anyway, which ended up leading to a 24 year career (with parental and disability breaks) in another city. The me who was so fed up with dating loser guys and signed up for match.com, and found the love of her life.  Well done, you!   The one who trusted her intuition time and time again while parenting, despite all the pressures and advice from many different corners.  The one who knew it was time to apply for disability leave even though she was scared, my goodness, thank you.  

    To the me who recognized how shy she was and decided to perform at an open mic night at a comedy club just to prove to herself that she didn’t need to be shy.  And you killed it!  That was awesome!  To the me who wrote a poetry book about grief to raise money and awareness in her community and loved it so much that she co-created a second book with members of her grief community as a caring resource.  All while being exhausted, but it filled me up in ways that were so so welcomed and needed.  Nicely done!!  

    You have so much to be proud of.  I know things have been hard and it’s easy to focus on that, and this letter is my way of celebrating all the greatness and goodness that has been there through the hard times.  You are so incredible at uplifting others and helping them feel seen, I hope this letter makes you feel the same.  You are very worthy of being seen.  Your words matter.  Your life matters.  You matter, and I love and appreciate you.

    Thank you for getting me to here, I’m so excited for what’s next.  I raise a glass to all the me’s who came before and ask you all to join me in moving forward together, more healed, whole and integrated than ever before.  Here’s to us!

    Xoxoxo, love lots, Bradlee 🌈🩷🌟

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Letting it all out through allowing

    A cliff face with waterfalls

    Sometimes I feel the emotional pressure building up inside me, and I feel this urge to flee the pressure and the feelings.  Sometimes I distract myself.  But sometimes, I am brave and I turn toward it, instead of trying to get rid of it.

    I have this pressure on the left side of my jaw that comes and goes.  I learned recently that I can sit with that pressure and tell it, “I am here.  I want to understand you, not force you or make you go away.  I am here.”  Apparently, when we lean in towards discomfort, it signals to our brain that the uncomfortable sensation is safe and not a threat. 

    That makes a lot of sense to me.  I had done a lot of energy healing work in the early 2010s.  It was incredibly helpful for me in many ways, but it was quite damaging in others.  It ended up teaching me to try to get rid of any feeling in my body that wasn’t “of the light,” so I got scared of the heavy feelings and was always in a rush to do some healing process to get rid of it.  I understand how energy healing (at least the way I was taught) really amplified the lack of safety I already had in my mind and body and made me more anxious.  It also made me feel like I couldn’t be me, as I was, that I needed to keep striving for better and more healing.

    Ah, hindsight, eh?  The good news is I understand myself more now, and I have a greater sense of my needs and what works for me.  So, the idea of turning towards physical and emotional discomfort with care, presence and allowing is very refreshing and exciting for me.

    As a way of preparing myself better for future discomfort and being open and allowing, I am drafting some language I can draw on:

    • I am here for you and with you.  You are welcome here.
    • I am with you and it’s a joy to be with you.
    • I love you and I am here.  Thank you for being here, and thank you for teaching me how to be with you.
    • You are allowed to be here and I would love to get to know you.
    • I am here, is there anything you’d like me to know?

    The important thing for me is not to try to say these things when I need them, but to actually feel curious, caring and compassionate and then offer those words above with those sentiments.  Otherwise, I will just be covertly trying to fix or manage myself instead of giving myself a gift of care, allowing and compassion.  I am going to experiment with this and see if I can truly feel into allowing in my body instead of just trying to do it with my thoughts.

    I look forward to sharing an update in the future. 

    May you be well, and if you’re up for sharing, I’d love to hear what works for you ❤️❤️, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • What it feels like (for me) to have chronic fatigue syndrome

    Mixed media art, with a pencil and marker drawing of a sleeping woman, surrounded by colorful fabric in soothing colors, wooden birds, puffy pink hearts.
    Art that was inspired by the most exhausted parts of my being

    It’s hard to explain just how exhausting it is to have chronic fatigue syndrome.  It’s taken me years to really and truly understand that rest doesn’t cure this type of exhaustion.  It is much deeper than a lack of rest.  It is an exhaustion down to the cellular and soul levels. 

    Before I get much further in my writing, I’d like to acknowledge that this represents my experience and no one else’s. I know others who have chronic fatigue syndrome and there are some similarities between us, but important differences too.  There are some people who don’t have even a tiny fraction of the limited energy that I do, which I can fathom from my worst days, weeks and months, but can’t truly understand 💖.  I hope that my words find those who need to read them and that each person with chronic fatigue be surrounded and filled with so much help, support, compassion, healing and love from inside and out.

    For me, chronic fatigue is like living at the speed that a turtle or snail needs to go at, not fast, but just slow and steady.  Sloths are also super cute and make me feel better about the pace I need to do things at. 

    Another analogy for chronic fatigue is when a computer runs in energy saving mode, the screen is a bit darker, things move slower, all in an effort to conserve. And it stays in that mode, because the charger can only replenish the computer battery so much for some reason. That’s probably the closest comparison. Physical and cognitive tasks really drain my battery, and experiencing big emotions do too, so I’m often working to maintain some sliver of balance or to regain balance whenever I can. 

    There have been days/weeks/months where I needed to lie down so I could breathe deeply enough or so that I would have enough energy to digest my food.  Some days I can run errands, and it takes a toll on me, but accomplishing something and getting to smile at people is so worth it.  Other days, I avoid the grocery store where I have to pack my own bags because it’s too tiring for me to do it.  

    Some days, I can sit up for quite a few hours, but I need to find ways to recline, lean back, rest my head or lie flat.  If I don’t, I start to feel weak, light headed, dizzy, anxious and overwhelmed.  If I use my muscles too much, like with gardening, or household chores, then I feel weak and vulnerable for 2-3 days afterwards.  I can do gentle exercise for 10 minutes or less, depending on the day, and I can dance!  As long as it’s only one or two songs where I really have a kick ass party!  Then I tone it down and just enjoy myself instead of full on dancing because it’s too tiring.

    Sometimes the thought of cooking a meal for myself or my family is too tiring and I need to lie down and ask for help.  That is definitely something I have struggled with, but I am slowly getting better at doing this!  I am a (recovering) people pleaser, perfectionist and high achiever, so admitting where I am with my health has been hard for me.  I continued to work way past the time it was healthy for me to do so, and that’s all been part of my journey towards being kind to myself, acknowledging my reality and learning how to meet my needs instead of force, belittle or coerce myself. 

    Today, I was walking with the dogs, which is so good for my overall health, but I had to cut it much shorter because I could feel the exhaustion in my muscles.  The dogs weren’t happy about it, but I’m learning with each experience to trust myself to meet my needs and to stay within my capacity.  I learned recently that overexerting myself actually slows any potential healing from chronic fatigue syndrome.  How about that!  I had been pushing myself way past my capacity for years. 

    Every once in a while, I have to stay in bed for a few hours, half the day or just make sure I lie down around the house for the majority of the day.  Today is definitely an exhausted, take it easy kind of day, which I’m getting better at relaxing into.  Oddly enough, I feel worse if I lie down the whole day.  Doing a small chore, gentle dancing or lymphatic massage makes a big difference to the quality of my exhausted days and creates more flow inside of me.

    I thought it might be helpful for me to write more about what it feels like for me to have chronic fatigue.  I also thought it might help anyone who is wanting to learn more about it too.  Writing about my experience of life gives it validity and importance, and that is really special for me.  After so many years of being so hard on myself, it feels good to ease into who I am, all of me, regardless of where I am with my health.  It reminds me that I am okay despite my health challenges and that I am very worthy regardless.

    If you’re like me and you’ve been shamed for having a sensitive body and soul, then I send you big care and lots of hugs.  It’s totally okay to be sensitive and to have lived through some really tough things.  I am learning how to care for myself instead of continuing that shame.  May you be super supported by friends, family (chosen or blood), health care professionals, mental health professionals and anyone else who can shine a light on your awesomeness and help you in the ways that you need.  And most importantly, may you learn what your needs are and may you feel empowered to take big or small or baby steps to start meeting them.  That is how we’ll truly earn our own PhDs in Being Me, each of us learning more and more about who we are, what we need and learning to do that for our sweetie selves.

    I send you lots of care and smiles.  Thanks for reading and may you be well 💖🌟❤️,

    Bradlee

    Some caring art I made for the vulnerable parts within me when I needed some reassurance and love

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • My new true north

    A hand holding a compass with a bronze colored lid.

    My inner compass has been re-oriented.

    My focus re-directed.

    My heart opened and filled with what’s been right in front of me all along.

    Here I am, right here, where I have always been.

    My life is not behind me, ahead of me or just around the corner.  It is right here, right now.

    Every bit of my life matters, the mundane, the heart wrenching, the hilarious, the joys, highs and lows and everything in between.

    My story matters, my life matters, exactly as it is.  It won’t be any more important if all of my dreams come true, or if I live my life exactly as it is each moment.

    A significant part of me has thought that if only I could be better, get better, be different, than my life would mean more and would allow me to help more people.

    The truth is, the best thing I can do is to sit down, right here, in the middle of the life I’m living and live it.  Nothing more, nothing less.

    I’ve been the kind of person who loves people easily.  If I’ve made any type of connection with you, chances are I love you and deeply.  It’s a really sweet and admirable quality that I’m only beginning to really appreciate as the precious gift it is, and that I give to others (admittedly, I don’t give this freely to everyone, I’ve become more discerning over the years). 

    I love helping people, making connections with them, holding them, uplifting them and cheering them on.  Over the last several years of ill health, the lack of being able to do that for others has been really hard.  But now I see that it’s truly my time to turn inward and to give all of those gifts that I so easily give to others to my sweetie self.

    My life won’t mean more or have greater value if I get better tomorrow, in a few years, or never.  Each day, I’ll be living my life, hopefully with more presence, gratitude and appreciation since my realizations today, and that will be enough.  My story, my moments, my thoughts, my fears, joys, pain and excitement all add up to make my life.  And what a beautiful life it is.

    We see movies, read books, and compare ourselves to others and wonder, am I doing this right?  Am I enough just as I am?  And today, I am recognizing that I am, just as I am.  I am good enough and I am doing things right, because I am me, no one else. 

    This writing was inspired by listening to the audio book, “The Dutch House,” by Ann Patchett, narrated by Tom Hanks.  The book, which was a Pulizter Prize Finalist, was about ordinary people’s lives.  The whole book.  There was no action, mystery or anything, just a beautifully written and narrated story about some humans, being human and having a human experience.  And somehow, having that story read aloud by Tom Hanks gave it so much more validity and importance.  I hung out with a flawed family and Tom Hanks for 10 hours and my life as I knew it opened, crumbled and I was remade, ready to appreciate all that has happened to me, all that will happen to me and all that I am.  I am so humbled by this book.  It has touched me so deeply I have tears in my eyes as I type this.  This book has helped me find my own true north again and my heart is still feeling tender.  I’m in repair and am re-orienting and I’m so excited to see where my life points me to next.  Even if it’s just to fold the laundry or to rest and heal.

    Thanks so much for reading. May you be well and may you inner compass guide you to discover all the majesty that you are.

    xoxoxo Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • I am here, and I am with myself

    A black canvas with four small ferns posing as pine trees. It is called Silent Night.
    A winter piece of art that I made to help me connect to the stillness and silence in a winter forest

    I am here, and I am with myself 💕.  I feel so soothed whenever I say to myself, “I am here and I am with you.”  Sometimes, I even cry, like a part of me has just really needed to hear that, and it allows any stuck emotions or stress to release and flow.

    I am participating in a program that helps people with chronic illnesses.  It teaches about the chronic stress response and how that affects the nervous system, which can impact the body’s ability to heal.  It is full of science, which is right up my alley, along with tools to help self-regulate the nervous system.

    This program, Primal Trust, is another tool in my journey of helping myself.  I have been living with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time now, and I am sometimes so tired of being tired.  Primal Trust has live and recorded classes and it is so heart warming to see people from all over the world.  The course material, teachers, and other participants help me feel validated, seen and understood, and is furthering my ability to do that for myself too.

    I am learning about how to connect to my sense and feelings of inner okayness, which feels good.  I used to feel much better, and I have missed connecting to myself in that way.  Today, I did one of the tools to help retrain my stress response, and I was able to make it my own so that it felt authentic.  It made my body and heart feel more alive and like I was more present for myself.  Gosh, that was nice.

    I was here, sitting, breathing, connecting and being here, with myself and for myself.  It helped me more fully recognize how far I am from the healthy version of myself.  The practices I have been learning over the past year in therapy are slowly helping me understand the different parts of me and thst each is valid and worthy of compassion.

    I am learning about pacing myself and taking a more gentle, slow and steady approach to life and my healing.  Apparently there is scientific evidence to support the pacing approach to healing chronic fatigue syndrome.  I am so used to pushing and pressuring myself, so this continues to be a challenge for me, but its a worthy one ❤️❤️.

    And so, I am here and I am with myself.  Regardless of any tools and practices I learn, I hope I remember that I am enough, that giving myself the gift of my presence, care, touch, love and compassion are the most important.  And, living my life and enjoying it instead of only focusing on getting better.

    Here I am, writing, reflecting, smiling and sharing.  Thanks for reading, may you be well and may you relax more into your sweetie self today.

    Big hugs, Bradlee ♥️♥️

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Sometimes

    Artwork of brown sand moving to blue ocean.

    It is okay to slow down.

    It is okay to rest.

    It is okay not to compare oneself to others.

    It is okay (and a good idea) to smile when feeling down.

    It is okay to need help, to eat what doesn’t make you feel the best, and to laugh at the irony of life.

    Sometimes, we just can’t keep up anymore and we need to laugh at how hard we’ve been trying without even understanding why we’ve needed to.

    This is me today.  I am feeling quite physically exhausted with chronic fatigue syndrome but somehow much lighter emotionally. 

    Sometimes when I am this tired, I get more anxious and teary.  That was how I felt yesterday, whereas today has started with some smiles, some self-validation and some light heartedness.

    Sometimes I just do the best I can and other times, I stop trying and relax more into myself, exactly as I am, and that brings me peace.  I also made a wise choice to start my day with a super healing meditation for trauma.

    No matter how you are feeling, even if you feel you are making all the wrong choices (I know that feeling!), I support and honour you.  There is definitely no one right way to live a life, so may you find little or big ways to celebrate and cheer yourself on as you live your unique experience.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • An empty shell – a poem

    An empty shell – a poem

    I am feeling empty
    Hollow
    I exist only as a shell of myself

    I can feel the need to look for me
    On Facebook, Instagram, in the eyes of another 
    In writing this blog post

    I have been here before
    It is lonely and vacuous
    And nothing I think, do, eat, or consume seems to touch it or fill me back up

    So I rest
    I lie down
    I listen to my self-love playlist
    I close the door and spend time with my shell
    I breathe and watch my belly rise and fall
    I smile because why not
    And  know I will feel better through being kind to myself instead of running away and trying to find me on the outside

    I want to blame others for how I feel
    But I know how I am feeling is no one's fault
    It is a simple signal to stop, breathe, be with myself and pull out of the endless cycle of doing and consuming more

    With every breath I take today,
    May I nourish, rejuvenate, and revitalize all parts of me
    May the echoes of my self-care reach you, no matter where you are or how you feel
    May we all turn inwards to find our peace and ourselves 
    Big hugs and deep beautiful breaths to you
    A short video from my resting self to you!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Different isn’t wrong

    It is very easy as a sensitive, empathic person to think that I am doing something wrong. It happens usually when someone does something differently than me. It is very sad that I automatically assume that I am doing something wrong. Thankfully, I have been learning to nurture myself so that I can embrace the little me who doubts herself and doesn’t think she’s good enough.

    I recently had an experience where I was excited to share something new I tried. One of the responses I received very quickly made me feel like I had done it wrong, even though it had turned out pretty well. The two photos below show how I felt at first (doubting myself, unsure, concerned), and then how I responded a few seconds later (loving and validating myself).

    Bradlee with a look on her face like, "the way I did it wasn't good enough"
    Bradlee with a loving look on her face with a caption saying "your way is very valid honey, it's just different."

    How do you feel when you do something that is different than others? Do you judge yourself? Second guess yourself? Wish you could disappear because you can’t seem to get it right? I am with you. I lived like that for so many years and it is still my default response. Thankfully, I can stop myself, know that I am valid just as I am, and continue on. I still get shaken and I still doubt myself sometimes, but I’m miles from where I once was.

    I learned how to love and compliment myself from Matt Kahn. If you haven’t checked him out, I encourage you to. He is so compassionate, caring, wise and loving. I learned that sensitive, empathic people really need to learn to give love to themselves, because they are generally very good at giving it to others. He teaches about giving yourself compliments and acknowledging the good you do each day. I started doing that in 2015 and it has been a very transformative process. It is very easy to berate and judge yourself, but giving yourself a compliment can be hard, but super, super rewarding.

    For example, I might say, “You know honey, there are lots of ways to do [insert task]. I loved how you tried something new and it turned out. Maybe you just invented a new way of doing things.” Or I might say, “Things are starting to feel hard this evening. You’ve done so well today, how about you take a rest?” Those are little ways I show up for myself now and it has created a buffer that helps me deal with negativity, judgement or different ways of doing things.

    You’re doing great. Even if you feel terrible or things are going terribly, you are still wonderful. You are so worthy of love, compliments, care and attention. I honor you and your uniqueness and you are so much more than your circumstances. No matter what, may you know that you are still valid, even if you do things differently than others. I send you big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • What about me?

    There is this little and sometimes quite loud voice inside me that whispers or yells, “What about me?”

    A short video to help explain the concepts in this post. May it help you connect with yourself in helpful ways ♥️

    I was listening to a super compassionate meditation on Insight Timer from the Biomedical Institute of Yoga and Meditation and I heard “What about me?” from inside me, quite loudly. For the rest of the day my body hurt and I was completely exhausted. This voice speaks for all the times I felt cast aside, abused, neglected, and forced. It represents so much unprocessed pain about certain aspects of my life. Part of getting a PhD in Being Me is learning to honor and care for yourself when feeling your worst. I felt so terribly, I was feeling more like I was in kindergarten compared to working on a PhD ❤️.

    A day later, I still felt that “What about me” presence. It felt heavy, painful and nearly frantic. To be honest, I can understand those feelings. Listening to that beautiful meditation triggered some of my most traumatic memories and helped me to understand how much pain they truly caused. I honor my “What about me” self. It has good reason to whisper and yell, and it is very justified in coming forward to affirm its presence and role in my life.

    Here I am, feeling so heavy, so unsure of how to hold myself while I acknowledge and feel the pain and anger and exhaustion this part of me has been carrying by herself. I slow down, take deep breaths and follow what my mind, heart and body are asking me to do. I write this post. I listen to beautiful music by Destined Dynamics. I cry and tell my husband about my fears and hurt. By doing these things, I create more space for this bruised, broken, hurt and victimized part of me.

    Going forward, I will hold her and me, until our breath and voices unite and we are together as one. I will look in the mirror and see my pain and my resilience and smile. I will feel the pain inside me. I will rise up because the root has showed me how to pull her out of that infertile garden and plant her in my heart, where I can nurture her with the sunlight and rains of my care and attention. I love you Miss What About Me. You matter and you are worthy. Thank you for revealing yourself to me, please teach me how best to care for you.

    If you are working through living with a chronic physical or mental health condition (I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety), or are working through trauma of any kind, I see you and I am with you. You matter and I wish you so much ease, love, gentleness and care. Big hugs.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • So worthy

    The sky is gorgeous and so are you

    Over the past few days, I have been witnessing and hearing about people being treated as less than. It really bothers me, and I get really angry and want to change our world for the better. I know that hurt people hurt people, but I can’t help but feel like we should all be able to get along.

    If you are being mistreated, cast aside, ignored, persecuted, or abused, I stand with you. I am with you, and you are so worthy.

    For every time you feel down, please read these words and be reminded that you matter and you are lovely, just as you are.

    Our world values numbers, productivity, and profits over people. You are so much more than a human resource and a human doing. You are a beautiful being, and may you know and feel your beauty, truth, and worth, no matter how you are being treated.

    May you be blessed with an abundance of support, safety, courage, and strength to leave unhealthy situations.

    May you know how worthy you are of being well treated and being in healthy environments with compassionate people.

    May we all rise up to live from our inner power so we can create true equity for all.

    I stand with you, I honor you, and I am cheering you on.

    Me sending you lots of love and saying, “I see you and you are so worthy.”

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved