It really broke my heart to watch her suffering, yet I knew she was teaching me alot. In the video above, I talk about the baby chicks and how they exude innocence and purity. They look at me and I can feel my anger, tension and rigidity melt away.
I have been reflecting on that innocence and purity. We are all born that way, and circumstances in life can lead us to bury or hide that away. I know it was like that for me, and I first really understood what I was missing when I was 35 years old: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/09/05/innocence/
Those precious babies help remind me that we all have that innocence within us, and I want to nurture and protect it in others. I have times when I am upset or tired, and I forget to speak directly to the innocence in others, and I also forget my own. On days when I feel good and I separate out someone’s actions from their innocence, I feel like a superhero. Speaking to someone’s innocence instead of responding to their actions is a true gift.
Today, I am having a hard time with that concept, but I am trying regardless. I am trying to nurture my innocence instead of judging myself for my behavior. Today, I am in need of more love, care, and patience, and I am doing my best to give that to myself. May we all be blessed with an abundance of patience, inspiration, and infinite love to share with the innocence in all hearts, especially our own. Big hugs!
I remember it Walking through life empty A shell of myself With no hope for life to be any different
I remember the terrible loneliness The sense that everyone else had it figured out but me The longing to have a purpose and an existence greater than the numbness But thinking that was reserved for others
I have felt this numb emptiness many times in my life and it is back for a visit
It reminds me of how hard everything can be And how hopeless I am an outsider in my own life and everyone is looking in and seeing me So desperately alone and lost But continuing their lives with full, happy hearts
This numbness is like a little baby bird that fell out of the nest instead of launching itself into flight, ready for life
This numbness reminds me that a part of me is in desperate need of being loved, witnessed and seen, just as it is.
This numbness is calling to me asking me for validation instead of burying it deeper, while I focus on my to do list
This numbness is my innocence crying out to me about how lost and shattered it is, asking me, begging me to stop, to breathe. To reach down tenderly and caress it and coddle it before bringing it to the cozy nest in my heart.
Thank you dear precious numbness. Thank you for reminding me how long it’s been since we have connected. Thank you for reminding me how hard life is when you take the lead and I haven’t nurtured you to a loving, hand holding place by my side.
Thank you numbness for reminding me that our world is rapidly changing, shattering and breaking down so we can all learn to walk hand in hand with our pain, numbness, innocence and vulnerability. Thank you precious numbness. I love you.
Note from Bradlee: I felt so much better after writing this. One of my goals is to write about the things we don’t often talk about. There is a freedom in doing that and it is my honor to share so deeply about my experience of life. I think there are times when we all feel numb, worthless, scared, ashamed, etc., and I don’t think we can avoid those times. I believe it’s more about what we do when we feel like that. This writing is my way of comforting and acknowledging my numbness. May it lighten the load of numbness and pain for all. Thank you for reading.
Living with chronic fatigue syndrome can be quite confusing and hard. I remember being a student athlete, working full time and working on a Master’s degree in another city, and other wonderful examples of having energy. I also know that having this medical condition has taught me so much about myself and has given me a chance to know myself better and to heal some big wounds.
I can only write about my experience of chronic fatigue syndrome, and my experiences will likely be different from those of others. I acknowledge, honor, and respect everyone with a chronic condition, no matter how their symptoms manifest.
The thing I struggle with the most is not comparing myself to others who aren’t constantly tired. I look at the volunteers in my community and how hard they work, and I am in awe and jealous all at once. Chronic fatigue syndrome has taught me to focus on my own experience of life more. To notice how it feels to live the life I have, even when I sometimes want it to be different.
I don’t have control over if I get better (believe me, I have tried), but I do have control over the choices I make each day. I can choose to notice that my head hurts and I am feeling nauseous. Both of those are my precious body’s way of saying, “hey, rest is what I need, not more doing.” Being respectful of myself means listening to my body, honoring any emotions I feel about needing to lie down, and giving myself permission to rest in a world that is so very busy.
I have struggled with this a lot and am much kinder to myself now. I still whine and moan sometimes because my emotional maturity level goes down the more tired I get. Despite this, I am proud of how much easier it is for me to make choices that are in my best interests. I am proud of myself for developing boundaries and finding the courage to speak up about them. I am proud of myself for developing a stronger sense of self worth despite having this condition. I would still like to get better at not comparing my energy to others and not judging myself, but I recognize I am getting better at this. I have such a wonderful life, I don’t want to miss out on it just because I am chronically tired. May we all be blessed with knowing when rest is best and with the ability to be so kind to ourselves.
I dedicate this post to my beautiful body for teaching me about when rest is best and to chronic fatigue syndrome for helping me polish my interior and exterior so I can shine brighter than ever before despite this condition. May we all be blessed to know how life is always here to help us, even when life isn’t how we want it to be. Big hugs!
All of this death, these endings, they keep leading me to a brighter, more true existence
As the gentle, sensitive, loving and caring person I am
Life is handing me my heart
And it is bathed in the purest, most gorgeous light
I can see it and feel its purity and brilliance
All while everything within and around me is crumbling
It is the façade of me and all I thought I should be
All turning to rubble, cascading down my emerging self
To reveal that gorgeous light
My heart is beating irregularly, it senses the end
May it also sense the new beginning
The emergence
Of me
Glorious me
Reborn at the same time as spring
Ready to blossom and grow but still needing time to strengthen
My stem before my leaves can reach and be nourished by that golden light that shines from above and from within me
I am here
At the end
At the beginning
Emptied out, only so I fill up once again
With all the beauty and light that has been waiting for me
To fill me to overflowing so I can share my abundant love with those who are withering, dying, crumbling and emptying out
I am here
I will sing out
All is well
Rest now and know that you too will fill up
All in due time
Be still my dear one
I love you
A note from me:
Sometimes I hear the whispers of a poem inside of me and I hurry to the computer to help it come alive. Other times, I only hear it and don’t act on the whispers. I am grateful I acted on it this time. This poem gave me comfort and peace. It helped me understand life’s rhythms more deeply and allowed me to relax into them, instead of struggling against their tide. It also gave me more confidence, it helped me to realize that there is much freedom that comes from the emptying out and filling up. I realized that at the end, there is only another beginning. Wherever you are in life, overwhelmed, excited, depressed, happy, anxious or raging, I honor you. May these words bring you comfort as you live through life’s rhythms.
I have really been enjoying feeling angry in the last month. I have a complicated relationship with anger…I used to shove it down….I used to be scared of what I would do if I got angry, so I wouldn’t let myself even feel it. The problem is that it was fermenting and boiling inside of me.
I am feeling really hopeful because it has been easier for me to feel anger, which is a fabulous step in giving myself permission to feel anger. It also will allow anger to signal to me when there is a problem, which is its beautiful and very important purpose.
I wrote the following as I was exploring these new feelings. May it help you in connecting with any feelings you have also denied, shut down or shoved down. Thank you for reading. May your heart be light ❤️.
“Here I am Yet again Motherf#$&<ng mad and resentful as shit. It is overflowing from all over and within me and I hate it. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t like it and it doesn’t feel like the way I want to feel. But here it is anyway, this anger and resentment is overwhelmingly loud, “What about me” And “Leave me alone” fill my being. I can imagine where those loud feelings come from but I still hate them. They are valid and completely fair, I just hate them anyway. I feel like I become a monster with no limits, just a big gaping maw of anger and this scares me. I trust myself and I feel incredibly guilty after this crushing wave of anger but I still trust myself. I wish I could trust the anger, trust what it is telling me about my needs to rest, put myself first and be still, but sometimes there is still life to live, so how do I balance it all? How do I invite more joy in my life without being realistic that I don’t always have energy for those joy bringing activities? Hmm, maybe it’s okay to get angry. What if I only feel guilty because I think I shouldn’t get angry? I love having boundaries. I love feeling them. I love knowing so easily now when one is being crossed and I need to take action. I f@#$ing love it. So…the past 2 times I got angry, my boundaries of what is acceptable behavior were massively violated. And I got angry. I guess what I’d like to do is respond in a way that feels better, less reactive, and more in a way I can feel better about. Like using my anger as a guide and then taking it a step further and using that anger to power a more conscious response instead of a lashing out response. That feels good. Okay, great. Thanks anger and resentment for teaching me this important lesson. I really appreciate it. There are always options, eh? Xoxoxo”
Have you ever wondered what self-love even means? Or what it is to self-reflect? I know those questions very well, and my answers to them come through writing and being honest vulnerable with myself.
It is my hope that in sharing this new poem that it inspires you to connect more deeply with the awesomeness you already are. I find the more I connect with myself, the more I am able to answer the questions that arise within me about how to love, care and nurture myself. May you be inspired too 💖.
Incubation
Over the last seven years I have felt myself slowly dying. My muscles have been drained of energy Where it has felt like my life force energy wasn't replenishing and I was running on the fumes of life. My heart felt encased in rocks and no matter how much I used a chisel, I just never made any progress. My interactions with others brought up so much pain and lack of safety. There was no place within or outside of myself to seek refuge and peace. I felt so many of my bodily systems operating at the bare minimum and I could feel myself aging and dying. I didn't understand why I was going through this process when so many of my dreams had come true...how could I be suffering and stagnating when I had so many blessings in my life? I don't have the answer to this question. I just know that I can feel the balance shifting. I feel more joy and fluidity in my muscles. I am being refueled in my muscles, tissues, organs and cells and it is easier to smile. I don't feel like I need to hide to seek emotional and physical safety, I feel more ready to be seen. The shame, anger, overwhelm, sadness and exhaustion are in the background instead of filling my every breath and thought. I see how I have been stewing in the pot of my life's pain, suffering and trauma and there was no escape. I had to see and feel every ingredient being added to the pot. I had to bear witness to myself as I witnessed my death and crucifixion at the hands of life, only to be reborn and incubating, patiently waiting for me to process, heal, grow, rest and evolve, all while living life in first gear. Is it wrong that I have needed this time? No. Should it have been faster? No. Should I have gotten over myself instead of allowing this miraculous but exceptionally difficult time period in my life? No. Did I hate, resent, fear and reject myself countless times during this time? Yes. What made me stop doing that? Me giving me permission to feel and be exactly as I am, with openness, transparency and a willingness to be seen at my messiest and weakest and to feel within me that I was worthy despite how I was. I have been dying and being reborn over and over again. My destruction and incubation are more complete and I feel ready. Ready for what? To thrive. To share To uplift. To support and to give love. To me, to you, to our planet and all of her inhabitants who are slowly dying and being reborn in each moment. May our deaths and rebirths be miraculous and healing for ourselves and for the well being and evolution of all. With every breath we take, may we see the beauty in our process of healing no matter how long, exhausting or insufferable it is. May you be reminded of your worth no matter how good or shitty you feel. May you be held from within and outside of you.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety, but I also have a huge heart, a cute innocence about the way I interact with the world, a love of swearing, a tall, strong body and an awakening consciousness that sometimes truly humbles and astounds me.
That was a long sentence, but it was needed to show the greater totality of me. I am not just one aspect of my beingness, I am it all. And no one part is any greater or less worthy than other, and that is what the total lunar eclipse I witnessed the other day reminded me of.
My husband Robbin told us that we could witness the eclipse between 3 and 6am. I thought it would be awesome to observe but sleep is very critical to my days so I didn’t plan to wake up. At 4:30am though, I felt this call from deep within me to awaken. It was really different than how I usually wake up in the early morning hours, it really was a calling. When I woke up enough, I realized it was the eclipse calling to me.
I hurried out of bed and went out onto the back deck, and there it was. A gorgeous full moon that was so bright but with a significant portion of it covered in darkness. I felt so alive and grateful, I stayed out there getting colder and feeling the beauty and power in what I was so blessed to witness.
I climbed back into bed and opened the curtains so I could watch the transition to a full eclipse while lying down. It was an incredible and awe-inspiring experience. I got to watch our backyard and the moon transform from fully illuminated to being covered in darkness, just like in the image at the top of this post.
I ran outside again as there was only the tiniest sliver of light showing on the edge of the moon. I drank in the magic and mystery of this beautiful eclipse and it fed me deep in my soul and bones. I couldn’t seem to get enough. As I returned to bed and continued to watch, I saw the parallel between the total lunar eclipse and my life.
It seemed like the time leading up to the total eclipse went by very quickly, but when the moon was completely dark, it stayed that way for so long. While totally dark, the moon was deep orange/brown, which showed me that the light reflecting off the moon was still there, and was likely visible in other parts of the world (I am no astronomer 😁).
Seeing how long the moon was covered in darkness made me think of my chronic fatigue. I mentioned in earlier posts how I used to think I was doing something wrong by being so drained and tired. The eclipse showed me how even a miraculous process to witness has a process and stages, just like me.
The phase of total darkness was no less incredible than gazing at a bright full moon in the sky. It was equally worthy of my awe and attention, if not more worthy because it only happens rarely as opposed to the near daily experience I have of seeing the moon in the sky.
The total lunar eclipse reminded me that there is beauty, worth and value in our most dark stages, and that darkness is not synonymous with bad. In fact, I have learned so much about self-love, self-care and compassion for myself and others through this time period in my life. Thank you total lunar eclipse and chronic fatigue. Thank you for your gifts. With every breath I take, may I be open to receiving them and less in a hurry to move past this important and worthy phase of my life.
No matter where you are in life with your physical, emotional, energetic, financial, or spiritual health, may you be blessed with an abundance of love, peace, inspiration, clarity and heavily light to guide you.
Do you ever wake up in the early morning hours and feel like you need to spend time with yourself? That happens to me every now and then. I usually don’t mind it because I feel like it’s the universe giving me a little nudge to discover what my heart, mind and body want to share. I have a couple of ways that I spend that time, including:
lying in bed to hang out with myself and breathe
reading a book
taking a bath
asking myself some questions and waiting to hear if there are any answers
writing in a journal
listening to audio from my favorite spiritual teacher Matt Kahn
This weekend, I did numbers 1, 4, 5, and 6 and it was perfect for me. I really do feel it is a quiet time for me to get to know what’s bothering me or what I want to focus more on. It’s almost like I can be more honest and vulnerable with myself during that time when most others are asleep.
The older I get, the more I realize that we are all different and different things work for each of us. It is my humblest wish that by sharing what works for me inspires you to discover what works best for you.
In honour of that wish, I’m sharing one of my “4am notes to myself.” In this note, I’m reflecting on my time off work and how I’m doing. Whether this note resonates with you or not, may it help you connect more deeply with your little voice inside that just needs to be heard, not changed, but just heard.
“Here I am, nearly 2 weeks after my last note, and I still feel tired out. I guess I expected this time off work to be more restorative and fun. Instead I am learning new and unexpected things:
I don’t always have all the energy I’d like for myself, my family and home stuff, even without working and trips to my dad’s
I am super sensitive to stress and it affects my digestion, mood, muscles, etc.
I have forgotten how to enjoy the present moment sometimes
I really like making blog posts
I love organizing even when I am tired
I have more energy for cooking when I am off
I have more time to spend outside and get refreshed even though I have little energy, I still use it wisely.
I can take a lot of baths
I have more energy for grocery shopping instead of just online shopping
I am good at family and home organizing and I get more pleasure out of it when I am off
I am great at finding books and shows that are interesting and make me feel good.
I am proud of myself. I have been challenged in several ways during this time off and I am doing a great job meeting my needs and finding my way despite being tired and feeling less heart centered and like I have less love for others and even myself. Its about damn time I acknowledge myself this positively when I feel this tired.”
No matter how great or how shitty you feel, I acknowledge you. You matter and you are special. May you be blessed with much inner quiet so you can connect more deeply to yourself and know your needs. Big hugs!
On Saturday, I had the absolute pleasure to attend a drag show in Kemptville that was put on by North Grenville Pride. I almost didn’t go…I was so tired last week and I was feeling much more anxious than usual. I had pretty much already decided not to go, but then a whisper within me that suggested otherwise. I’ll explain.
On that morning, I set an intention to make the decisions that were in my highest and best good. I totally expected that to mean resting, reading and taking it slow and keeping it simple. I went for a walk with Maggie, our doggie, and that is when I heard it: the perspective that it could be helpful for me to have a new experience, one with dancing, performing, good music and lots of people.
Before I had chronic fatigue, that would have been an opportunity I was excited for, but since being so tired, I have to choose how to spend my time very wisely. Crowds, lots of stimulation, and loud music are all things I stay away from now because they drain my energy big time. I was intrigued by the new perspective that came to me that morning. I decided to be open to the possibility that it could actually help me instead of drain/harm me.
I planned with my teenager to only spend a few hours there instead of staying to the end, and our friend got there earlier and saved us seats. I was very pleased that I was doing what I needed to go the show and honour myself and my needs.
The poster for the excellent show I attended!
I have never been to a drag show before, but I will definitely go again. I loved their outfits, make-up, performances and awesome dance moves. I was so uplifted, energized and inspired during their numbers. I was tired from smiling and cheering so much, it was super awesome. Their performances brought to a part of me to life that is dormant most of the time, and I am incredibly grateful for that. I’ve been dancing around the house so much more and feeling more like all of myself, not just the tired version of myself.
My greatest wish out of this experience is to embody more of my awesome self, no matter how tired I am. Now that I’ve reconnected with more of my passion and enthusiasm, I’m not in a hurry to say goodbye to it! If you’re struggling with any chronic physical or mental health condition, I send you a big hug. It isn’t easy to live with a chronic condition, but it is easy to forgot how whole we are when we feel bad a lot of the time.
May we all be blessed to discover what bring us joy and a sense of passion and purpose no matter where we find it. May we all be open to the opportunities and experiences that are in our highest and best good. Thank you NG Pride for such a fabulous event and thank you to the Not a Phase – Leeds and Grenville group for coordinating ticket purchases!
PhD in Being Me 