Befriending my emotions and welcoming them into my life is the more recent step I am taking in my healing journey. It’s taken me a lot of work, self-care, awareness, time and self-love to get here. I am so proud of how I’m building connections within myself.
When I reach toward uncomfortable feelings and emotions, I feel a bit scared. These are often super strong emotions that I have done my best, as a coping strategy, to keep separate and shoved down.
Creating art to hold my big feelings and the ones that were difficult to even admit to, let alone feel, has been a blessing for me. It’s been so critical for me in building the capacity to be a witness to myself, my feelings and experiences. Having my feelings contained on a piece of paper has also helped me increase my strength and resilience. Art has helped me build bridges within myself and helped me to start healing from how much I pushed myself to keep going and working even though I was so sick. It’s also helping me build trust and greater respect for myself and within myself.
And so, I am sharing my latest art piece and poem that are a part of my “allowing my feelings” journey. I sat with my feelings and told them they were allowed to stay and that I would love to understand them, but no pressure. I learned from primaltrust.org that I could visualize my feelings as art as I allow them, and this piece below is what I saw and felt. A maelstrom of hysteria, surrounded by my light, holding, witnessing and allowing it to whirl, spin and share its messages with me. I used a typewriter to type out the words I heard within the storm and I inadvertently typed them out in the shape of a tornado.
It’s been very healing to make this art, and to write this post about my feelings. My hope is that the strength of that inner storm will lessen as I hold space for it and start to understand its needs.
Thank you for reading my posts and for journeying with me as I work towards being the kindest and most compassionate expert in being me. Maybe one day I will get my PhD in Being Me 🥰🥰.
Note to readers: this post includes descriptions of my inner pain, trauma and learning how to allow all of me to be here. Please read with care 💖.
This morning I had a vision in my mind’s eye. I saw a paper with my inner narrative written on it, the one I formed while growing up.
I saw me trying to write over it to create more of what I wanted.
I saw the original words getting bigger, darker and they were working to ensure they could be seen and read.
To help me further process this very impactful vision, I recreated it in the images above. It was a very powerful experience to actually feel into the words and feelings for each stage above. It allowed me to understand myself better and to have more compassion for myself.
I have used a lot of willpower in my life to overcome my inner narrative and pain. I have had to work so hard to keep this up and its been exhausting trying to overwrite and escape from something that is within me. This morning I was lying in bed and reflecting that maybe the time had come to coexist with all aspects of me and my inner world.
This realization is really in keeping with what I am learning in my nervous system rehabilitation program – to build capacity to be with my most difficult emotions and experiences. To witness them and allow them instead of trying to rewrite my story each day (which is so so exhausting).
The more I learn about myself, and the more I decompress from a life of stress, not feeling safe and being in protection mode, the more empathy I have for myself. My physical and mental health have been on the decline, and it all makes so much sense the more I learn and process. How could I be thriving when so much of my life force energy is going into keeping me safe and worrying for the safety of my loved ones? Learning about trauma and the nervous system has helped me understand how I can’t just keep trying to rewrite my life. It’s so much more than just trying harder, having a positive attitude or using willpower.
And so, I will take a deep breath. I will acknowledge that I have been trying to force my way into my ideal inner experience of life, without realizing that I have been fighting with myself to get there. I breathe again. And again. And I feel the pain, vulnerability and hurt that I have inadvertently been pushing away because that’s how trauma works to keep me safe. And I breathe again.
I open my palms, side by side, to hold all the words on the pages above. I breathe deeply to have the courage to let them all exist, and occupy space within me. And I breathe to allow myself to feel it all and learn from all of those feelings and experiences and move forward together.
One step at a time, I am working towards my PhD in Being Me. I wish you so much ease, clarity and insight in your own journey with becoming an expert in being yourself.
With love and care, Bradlee
An art piece from nearly a year ago, about finding myself.
Art that was inspired by the most exhausted parts of my being
It’s hard to explain just how exhausting it is to have chronic fatigue syndrome. It’s taken me years to really and truly understand that rest doesn’t cure this type of exhaustion. It is much deeper than a lack of rest. It is an exhaustion down to the cellular and soul levels.
Before I get much further in my writing, I’d like to acknowledge that this represents my experience and no one else’s. I know others who have chronic fatigue syndrome and there are some similarities between us, but important differences too. There are some people who don’t have even a tiny fraction of the limited energy that I do, which I can fathom from my worst days, weeks and months, but can’t truly understand 💖. I hope that my words find those who need to read them and that each person with chronic fatigue be surrounded and filled with so much help, support, compassion, healing and love from inside and out.
For me, chronic fatigue is like living at the speed that a turtle or snail needs to go at, not fast, but just slow and steady. Sloths are also super cute and make me feel better about the pace I need to do things at.
Another analogy for chronic fatigue is when a computer runs in energy saving mode, the screen is a bit darker, things move slower, all in an effort to conserve. And it stays in that mode, because the charger can only replenish the computer battery so much for some reason. That’s probably the closest comparison. Physical and cognitive tasks really drain my battery, and experiencing big emotions do too, so I’m often working to maintain some sliver of balance or to regain balance whenever I can.
There have been days/weeks/months where I needed to lie down so I could breathe deeply enough or so that I would have enough energy to digest my food. Some days I can run errands, and it takes a toll on me, but accomplishing something and getting to smile at people is so worth it. Other days, I avoid the grocery store where I have to pack my own bags because it’s too tiring for me to do it.
Some days, I can sit up for quite a few hours, but I need to find ways to recline, lean back, rest my head or lie flat. If I don’t, I start to feel weak, light headed, dizzy, anxious and overwhelmed. If I use my muscles too much, like with gardening, or household chores, then I feel weak and vulnerable for 2-3 days afterwards. I can do gentle exercise for 10 minutes or less, depending on the day, and I can dance! As long as it’s only one or two songs where I really have a kick ass party! Then I tone it down and just enjoy myself instead of full on dancing because it’s too tiring.
Sometimes the thought of cooking a meal for myself or my family is too tiring and I need to lie down and ask for help. That is definitely something I have struggled with, but I am slowly getting better at doing this! I am a (recovering) people pleaser, perfectionist and high achiever, so admitting where I am with my health has been hard for me. I continued to work way past the time it was healthy for me to do so, and that’s all been part of my journey towards being kind to myself, acknowledging my reality and learning how to meet my needs instead of force, belittle or coerce myself.
Today, I was walking with the dogs, which is so good for my overall health, but I had to cut it much shorter because I could feel the exhaustion in my muscles. The dogs weren’t happy about it, but I’m learning with each experience to trust myself to meet my needs and to stay within my capacity. I learned recently that overexerting myself actually slows any potential healing from chronic fatigue syndrome. How about that! I had been pushing myself way past my capacity for years.
Every once in a while, I have to stay in bed for a few hours, half the day or just make sure I lie down around the house for the majority of the day. Today is definitely an exhausted, take it easy kind of day, which I’m getting better at relaxing into. Oddly enough, I feel worse if I lie down the whole day. Doing a small chore, gentle dancing or lymphatic massage makes a big difference to the quality of my exhausted days and creates more flow inside of me.
I thought it might be helpful for me to write more about what it feels like for me to have chronic fatigue. I also thought it might help anyone who is wanting to learn more about it too. Writing about my experience of life gives it validity and importance, and that is really special for me. After so many years of being so hard on myself, it feels good to ease into who I am, all of me, regardless of where I am with my health. It reminds me that I am okay despite my health challenges and that I am very worthy regardless.
If you’re like me and you’ve been shamed for having a sensitive body and soul, then I send you big care and lots of hugs. It’s totally okay to be sensitive and to have lived through some really tough things. I am learning how to care for myself instead of continuing that shame. May you be super supported by friends, family (chosen or blood), health care professionals, mental health professionals and anyone else who can shine a light on your awesomeness and help you in the ways that you need. And most importantly, may you learn what your needs are and may you feel empowered to take big or small or baby steps to start meeting them. That is how we’ll truly earn our own PhDs in Being Me, each of us learning more and more about who we are, what we need and learning to do that for our sweetie selves.
I send you lots of care and smiles. Thanks for reading and may you be well 💖🌟❤️,
Bradlee
Some caring art I made for the vulnerable parts within me when I needed some reassurance and love
Burning it all down – art that came from a part of me that is reclaiming her voice and power
Flames make me feel powerful and like I have a choice. I have so much power buried within me, because for so long I couldn’t use my voice and power. If I did, I was unsafe, so I learned to keep it down as a coping strategy. The more I learn about trauma and how our nervous system adapts, the easier it is for me not to shame or blame myself, but to have compassion for what I’ve gone through and to reach out to the most hurt parts of me.
I’ve started slowly, with baby steps in therapy, and art therapy and over the course of the last 2 years, I’ve been feeling safer to meet the pain, hurt and trauma within me. Really, it’s been a life long journey, and these last 2 years have enabled me to go to the next layer within me.
Sometimes, I feel this irritation inside me and I don’t always know where it’s coming from. I get physical symptoms with that irritation too, and then sometimes it builds into anger, then rage, then murderous rage. So this morning, I decided to say to that irritation, hey, do you want to share what you’re about? How you’re helping me by feeling this way?
After I went for a walk, it built up big time and I was worried about what I was going to do with the intensity of it. I decided to take some space and take a shower and then I saw the image above in my head, and I realized exactly what the irritaion and anger were about. They were about all the times I said yes instead of no. All the times I felt so choiceless to do what I wanted/needed. All the times I didn’t think I had the right to do what was in my best interests. And, boy oh boy, was a part of me MAD about it.
I got out my art supplies and just painted flames after flames and then painted myself and wrote the words I was hearing inside on top of the flames, such as:
No more!
I can say no and what I need to feel safe!
I am stronger by having boundaries and taking care of my needs
Burning up the powerlessness
Burning down the obligations and hyper-responsibility for others. I can choose for me!
etc.
The most freeing part of this art and realization was that these feelings are no one’s fault. I felt choiceless for so so many reasons and that was carrying into every area of my life. Making this art helped me to recognize that and take responsibility for how I move forward. It’s not that simple, because this is a life long coping strategy, and I’ll still feel choiceless and powerless many times, but now I understand more the impact that has had on me and I can treat myself with more compassion and learn more how I can bring healing to those parts of me.
I love having these realizations because they make me feel less shame and they help me understand myself. I also love making art about my big feelings because I get to contain them on a page as opposed to holding them in my body. Sharing my art is a vulnerable thing, but this one feels safe to share because it’s such an explosion of feelings and power, and it makes me feel good to write about it on my blog.
May you be blessed with an abundance of safety in your inner and outer worlds and may your heart be light. Thank you for reading!
Resourcing art – I am worthy of taking this time to reset, rest and heal
In the last year, I have been learning the concept of “resourcing.” The way I understand it, resourcing is a way of building up your inner resources of reserves through doing things that nourish you and replenish you. I started really delving into making resourcing art after I started working with an incredibly wonderful and supportive art therapist in February 2025. She taught me that it’s important to build up your resources before delving into heavy topics, like trauma, and that it’s important to do that afterwards too.
I go through time periods where so much healing happens over the course of a few weeks, and she’s taught me that I packed my bags, went on the journey, climbed the mountain (the grit phase) and then afterwards I need to give myself grace, and unpack the bags, and build up my resources before the next adventure/exploration of my inner world.
I love that concept so much. It helps me be kinder to myself and to know that I can listen to the rhythms of my body and heart and follow them without shame or judgement. It’s like a breath of fresh air.
I went through a lot of healing in November of this year, and for the past few weeks, I’ve been doing a lot of resourcing. For me that looks like following along with various deep breathing meditations, doing activities to stimulate the rest and digest part of my nervous system, doing lymphatic system exercises, going for a few more short walks, and doing some nourishing resourcing art.
Here are a few examples of my resourcing art from the last year:
I had so much fun painting these guys from a go fish deck of cardsI used an art book for kids for inspiration for this oneOtters make me so happy!I cut out Christmas paper into Christmas shapes and made a super cute scene
Resourcing art for me is not about trying to be really good at art, it’s more about letting my younger self have some fun and be soothed through creativity, and focus. I have also been copying some designs from a beautiful art book I borrowed from the library and there is something so soothing about following directions to make the art. It’s takes the thought out of it and just allows me to relax and create. Here are some examples:
My art based on Olivia A. Kneibler’s book, “The Art of Drawing Dangles.”
What I love most about resourcing art and other resourcing activities is that they give me a chance to tune in to what I need. It’s lovely to take a moment and get quiet to learn what I need in that moment, or if I can’t get quiet inside, then to just start copying some art out and allowing it to soothe me. I find puzzles very soothing too, especially if my mind is racing. It gives me a chance to organize the pieces, which apparently stimulates dopamine, which is a feel good chemical in the brain.
As we approach the end of 2025, may we all be inspired with creative, caring and compassionate ways to meet ourselves where we are and to take some time to identify what will help us feel more balanced, happy, healthy and at peace.
Through art therapy, I’ve been learning how to translate my feelings into art. Doing this makes them much less scary, and more understandable. It’s also helped me feel more compassion for myself.
Today, I felt, saw and located a certain emotion in my body. It was very intense and one I have suppressed for a long time. I had become an expert in shoving that feeling down whenever it tried to emerge. Well, I thought I was an expert at it. The truth is that I was spending a lot of time and energy trying to contain a part of me that just needed love. I understand why I did that and how that behavior was necessary for a long time. Today though, I turned to face it and said, “hey, I am sorry for pushing you down. I am here now, how can I help?”
I started to hear about that part’s pain, what words it was screaming and I got insights into all the times I felt that way. That part of me was needing translation. It needed me to be brave, to take the uncomfortable feelings and sensations and hold space for them to be translated into something very tangible and relatable.
My hurt was transformed from scary, alien, and evil to vulnerable, hurting, and very, very worthy. I feel softer inside and better able to help myself going forward. That feels like a significant step towards getting a PhD in Being Me. I am so incredibly grateful for the connection I made with myself today and I look forward to learning more and developing a deeper relationship with that part of myself 💕💕.
No matter where you are in life, may you be blessed with serenity, peace, courage, all the support you need and more. With every breath we take, may we anchor blessings for greater unity and harmony within ourselves and among all beings.
PhD in Being Me 