PhD in Being Me

Tag: art

  • A chance to do things differently

    Bradlee holding up a white paper with art using paint colors and a fern from her woods.
    Me and my new style of art with ferns, Ferns in Northern Lights, with a loving message at the bottom.

    I have been stressed lately.  More like STRESSED lately.  A few upsetting things happened all at once, and they all had elements of uncertainty.  Because I have chronic fatigue syndrome and a form of PTSD, any bit of stress really exhausts me and throws my tiny sliver of balance right off. 

    The more I’ve learned about trauma, the more I can feel, notice and see the impacts that stress has on my physical health.  I have also learned that some of the ways that I’ve been coping with stress and difficult situations have had a negative impact on my health.

    I realized yesterday that I could use this latest batch of life events as a way to practice using my new tools and awareness from therapy and the Primal Trust program I am following. 

    When I was talking to my therapist last week, she was so compassionate and helped me understand just how much I was dealing with.  That made it safer for me to get to know some of my feelings, instead of keeping them locked away and compartmentalized for another time.  I hadn’t even realized I was doing that.  What started out as an amazing protective strategy that has helped me through many challenges is now going to keep me sick and make me sicker because it’s keeping the stress alarm ringing in my body.

    My therapist asked me several questions to ask my belly, where I was experiencing the most discomfort.  That gave me a chance to tune in, listen and give myself the gift of my own presence.  It was really nurturing and it freed up the emotions to flow.  I was really scared and I got to actually feel it, as opposed to being disassociated with my feelings.  It was very healing. 

    That was a week ago.  The last few days, I noticed that I was ahead of myself.  I could literally feel my energy in front of my body instead of in it.  I wasn’t sure what to do about it, but I recognized it was another protective strategy keeping me out of my body so I didn’t have to feel everything that was so scary and upsetting.  I knew I needed to try something different, so I sketched out what I was doing.  It was helpful to see a visual of it. 

    Cartoon like sketches of Bradlee processing or avoiding her emotions.
    My sketches of what I was feeling inside as I explored how to handle the new challenges and the emotions they brought up

    After I sketched these, I had a good cry and I talked to my husband about how I needed to experiment to find healthier ways to take care of myself through this latest challenge.  That was helpful too.

    This morning, I started at page 1 of my Primal Trust 40 day “Daily Regulate” program, and it helped me so much.  Sometimes starting back at the beginning gives me a chance to see the same material from a new place and from a different perspective. 

    The first day is about the chronic stress response and how to address the nervous system instead of focusing on symptoms.  It teaches about closing the eyes, putting a hand on the heart and asking questions like, “what am I feeling inside my body right now?” and “what am I thinking about that.” 

    I started my morning with this practice and I started crying right away after reading the first question.  It was such a relief to read that question and to know that it was an important step in identifying my needs and feelings.  It gave me a chance to tune in and be present with myself. 

    I think it was such a powerful practice because I was out of my body or my feelings were out of reach and the first question brought my awareness right into my body.  It feels good to use this latest challenge as a chance to do things differently, to treat myself with more care, compassion and kindness and to ask for greater help and support as I go through this time. 

    Inhale.  Ahhhh, exhale.  Yes, I can do this.  It will still be hard, but it will be easier as I take care of myself in new ways instead of just reacting from old stress patterns. 

    There is so much potential growth and healing in challenges, like creating new art that helps me process my emotions. The fern below is called Anxiety.  It was painted with colors that I associate with nausea and being twisted up in knots inside.  And it’s spiky because I used a rough brush and I love how rough the parts are outside of the fern.  And the hollowness of the fern echoes that emptiness that can come inside from feeling overwhelmed by life.

    an orange, brown, yellow and green outline of a fern.

    And so, there it is.  A chance for me to do things differently.  To take care of myself.  To connect with my body.  To externalize my feelings through my words, art and asking for help.  To know that I am worthy of taking care of myself and that it’s okay to feel scared and physically uncomfortable.  I can be there for myself. Each day will be different, but even small efforts will make an impact.

    I wish you so well and may you connect with what helps you through life’s challenges.  Big hugs and thanks for reading, 💕💕 Bradlee

  • Hysteria – emotions, poetry and art

    Befriending my emotions and welcoming them into my life is the more recent step I am taking in my healing journey.  It’s taken me a lot of work, self-care, awareness, time and self-love to get here.  I am so proud of how I’m building connections within myself. 

    When I reach toward uncomfortable feelings and emotions, I feel a bit scared.  These are often super strong emotions that I have done my best, as a coping strategy, to keep separate and shoved down. 

    Creating art to hold my big feelings and the ones that were difficult to even admit to, let alone feel, has been a blessing for me.  It’s been so critical for me in building the capacity to be a witness to myself, my feelings and experiences. Having my feelings contained on a piece of paper has also helped me increase my strength and resilience.  Art has helped me build bridges within myself and helped me to start healing from how much I pushed myself to keep going and working even though I was so sick.  It’s also helping me build trust and greater respect for myself and within myself.

    And so, I am sharing my latest art piece and poem that are a part of my “allowing my feelings” journey.  I sat with my feelings and told them they were allowed to stay and that I would love to understand them, but no pressure. I learned from primaltrust.org that I could visualize my feelings as art as I allow them, and this piece below is what I saw and felt.  A maelstrom of hysteria, surrounded by my light, holding, witnessing and allowing it to whirl, spin and share its messages with me.  I used a typewriter to type out the words I heard within the storm and I inadvertently typed them out in the shape of a tornado.

    A colorful vortex surrounded by bright green and silver light, with a type written poem on the left hand side.

    It’s been very healing to make this art, and to write this post about my feelings.  My hope is that the strength of that inner storm will lessen as I hold space for it and start to understand its needs.

    Thank you for reading my posts and for journeying with me as I work towards being the kindest and most compassionate expert in being me.  Maybe one day I will get my PhD in Being Me 🥰🥰.

    Take care, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • For all the times I wanted to say no but couldn’t

    Burning it all down – art that came from a part of me that is reclaiming her voice and power

    Flames make me feel powerful and like I have a choice.  I have so much power buried within me, because for so long I couldn’t use my voice and power.  If I did, I was unsafe, so I learned to keep it down as a coping strategy.  The more I learn about trauma and how our nervous system adapts, the easier it is for me not to shame or blame myself, but to have compassion for what I’ve gone through and to reach out to the most hurt parts of me.

    I’ve started slowly, with baby steps in therapy, and art therapy and over the course of the last 2 years, I’ve been feeling safer to meet the pain, hurt and trauma within me.  Really, it’s been a life long journey, and these last 2 years have enabled me to go to the next layer within me.

    Sometimes, I feel this irritation inside me and I don’t always know where it’s coming from.  I get physical symptoms with that irritation too, and then sometimes it builds into anger, then rage, then murderous rage.  So this morning, I decided to say to that irritation, hey, do you want to share what you’re about?  How you’re helping me by feeling this way?

    After I went for a walk, it built up big time and I was worried about what I was going to do with the intensity of it.  I decided to take some space and take a shower and then I saw the image above in my head, and I realized exactly what the irritaion and anger were about.  They were about all the times I said yes instead of no.  All the times I felt so choiceless to do what I wanted/needed.  All the times I didn’t think I had the right to do what was in my best interests.  And, boy oh boy, was a part of me MAD about it.

    I got out my art supplies and just painted flames after flames and then painted myself and wrote the words I was hearing inside on top of the flames, such as:

    • No more!
    • I can say no and what I need to feel safe!
    • I am stronger by having boundaries and taking care of my needs
    • Burning up the powerlessness
    • Burning down the obligations and hyper-responsibility for others.  I can choose for me! 
    • etc.

    The most freeing part of this art and realization was that these feelings are no one’s fault.  I felt choiceless for so so many reasons and that was carrying into every area of my life.  Making this art helped me to recognize that and take responsibility for how I move forward.  It’s not that simple, because this is a life long coping strategy, and I’ll still feel choiceless and powerless many times, but now I understand more the impact that has had on me and I can treat myself with more compassion and learn more how I can bring healing to those parts of me.

    I love having these realizations because they make me feel less shame and they help me understand myself.  I also love making art about my big feelings because I get to contain them on a page as opposed to holding them in my body.  Sharing my art is a vulnerable thing, but this one feels safe to share because it’s such an explosion of feelings and power, and it makes me feel good to write about it on my blog.

    May you be blessed with an abundance of safety in your inner and outer worlds and may your heart be light.  Thank you for reading!

    💕✨️ Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Building up my inner resources

    A pink heart with three pink and purple lines going through it, with supportive words on the lines.
    Resourcing art – I am worthy of taking this time to reset, rest and heal

    In the last year, I have been learning the concept of “resourcing.”  The way I understand it, resourcing is a way of building up your inner resources of reserves through doing things that nourish you and replenish you.  I started really delving into making resourcing art after I started working with an incredibly wonderful and supportive art therapist in February 2025.  She taught me that it’s important to build up your resources before delving into heavy topics, like trauma, and that it’s important to do that afterwards too. 

    I go through time periods where so much healing happens over the course of a few weeks, and she’s taught me that I packed my bags, went on the journey, climbed the mountain (the grit phase) and then afterwards I need to give myself grace, and unpack the bags, and build up my resources before the next adventure/exploration of my inner world.

    I love that concept so much.  It helps me be kinder to myself and to know that I can listen to the rhythms of my body and heart and follow them without shame or judgement.  It’s like a breath of fresh air. 

    I went through a lot of healing in November of this year, and for the past few weeks, I’ve been doing a lot of resourcing.  For me that looks like following along with various deep breathing meditations, doing activities to stimulate the rest and digest part of my nervous system, doing lymphatic system exercises, going for a few more short walks, and doing some nourishing resourcing art. 

    Here are a few examples of my resourcing art from the last year:

    A painting of the sea with 5 cartoon like sea creatures.
    I had so much fun painting these guys from a go fish deck of cards
    A water color painting of leaves falling off a tree, with healing words written in the trunk.
    I used an art book for kids for inspiration for this one
    A painting with three otters (two of them with babies), floating in the water, with loving messages written in the sky above them.
    Otters make me so happy!
    A Christmas collage with fun Christmas papers
    I cut out Christmas paper into Christmas shapes and made a super cute scene

    Resourcing art for me is not about trying to be really good at art, it’s more about letting my younger self have some fun and be soothed through creativity, and focus.  I have also been copying some designs from a beautiful art book I borrowed from the library and there is something so soothing about following directions to make the art.  It’s takes the thought out of it and just allows me to relax and create.  Here are some examples:

    Sketches of hearts and diamonds with dangling charms hanging off them.
    My art based on Olivia A. Kneibler’s book, “The Art of Drawing Dangles.”

    What I love most about resourcing art and other resourcing activities is that they give me a chance to tune in to what I need.  It’s lovely to take a moment and get quiet to learn what I need in that moment, or if I can’t get quiet inside, then to just start copying some art out and allowing it to soothe me.  I find puzzles very soothing too, especially if my mind is racing.  It gives me a chance to organize the pieces, which apparently stimulates dopamine, which is a feel good chemical in the brain.

    As we approach the end of 2025, may we all be inspired with creative, caring and compassionate ways to meet ourselves where we are and to take some time to identify what will help us feel more balanced, happy, healthy and at peace.

    With lots of care, Bradlee 💕💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.