PhD in Being Me

Tag: awareness

  • When it all works out

    This beautiful art my husband made me sums up how I am feeling

    I love it when it all works out! I find it especially exciting after a time of deep fatigue, anxiety, stress, or tension (or all of them)! Maybe that’s the gift the contrast between the highs and lows of life gives us?

    This past weekend, I went to a beautiful family reunion, and I saw cousins I hadn’t seen in over 30 years. There was so much delicious food that I didn’t eat because I was so happy hugging and talking. My heart was overflowing with love, and truly, there is no better feeling. It made my emotional and physical aches and pains melt away.

    Before going, I had decided to bring all of who I am now, instead of relating to everyone like I used to when I was a shy kid and an unsure teenager. I felt like I grew up a lot by making that choice, like I integrated and honored the many parts of me. This GIF represents how I feel more cohesive and organized within myself.

    I haven’t been sleeping as well since that time, almost like all of me is awake, revelling in the joy of the wonderful road trip with my family, an incredible reunion, and loving visit with my precious Dad. Even though I know there will be challenges ahead, I feel good and fortified. May this feeling last, and may we all be blessed with lovely, heartwarming experiences where it all works out.

    This is all part of getting a PhD in Being Me, enjoying the good, taking care of ourselves for when times are hard, and learning day to day what we may need to help us through. May you be inspired about how to best care for and enjoy who you were, who you are, and who you are becoming. Big hugs!

    A simple flower with a text box with these words, "This is all part of getting a PhD in Being Me, enjoying the good, taking care of ourselves for when times are hard, and learning day to day what we may need to help us through.'

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Give yourself time

    Picture of author smiling with hearts and rainbow stickers.
    A big smile from my healing heart to yours

    I have been so hard on myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome, for being anxious, for not being good enough, for having cellulite, for not “getting better” fast enough and for so many other reasons.

    You know what though? I am more than good enough and my journey through life is amazingly valid. Today, my heart said, “give yourself time and be proud of everything you are healing, overcoming and learning through your challenges and feelings. “

    My heart asked me to share its messages with you too. Please give yourself time and grace. You are so worthy of receiving that, even if you don’t know how to give that to yourself. You are precious and you matter 💖.

    If it hurts to read that because you don’t feel able or worthy of receiving it, you are super precious and you matter. I used to not believe those words, and I definitely didn’t know how to say kind things to myself. I learned how to do that in 2015, and it gets easier every day…please give yourself time to learn to love and honor yourself.

    By giving ourselves time, instead of keeping ourselves in a pressure cooker, we learn that we are valid. We learn that our worth is not determined by our circumstances or how quickly or slowly we heal or learn to love ourselves.

    Let’s give ourselves time to learn how to be with ourselves while we do hard things. Let’s give ourselves time to honor our pain, joy, anger and sadness. Let’s give ourselves time to get to know our bodies and what they need from us. Let’s give ourselves time to be fully us and to reclaim any banished parts of ourselves.

    This isn’t a race and there are no prizes. The rewards are huge though; being able to love yourself, being able to connect to the needs of your body, heart, mind and soul, and more.

    If you’re interested, this is the video that sparked a love revolution within me: https://youtu.be/ZjwTW-sjIto

    Big hugs and take all the time you need!

    Xoxoxo

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Dissolving

    A jar of water with a whirlpool of dissolving sugar in the center.
    Creating this whirlpool of dissolving sugar seemed like the perfect image for this post and poem. Once the sugar is dissolved, it’s perfect for hummingbirds, but before that, it is two separate ingredients. May your dissolving and integrating be gentle and wonderful.

    Introduction

    I wrote Dissolving in 2017, and it helped me understand what I was and still am going through. It describes that unconscious and insatiable hunger that is rampant in the undercurrents of our society. Writing this gave me the idea to be more patient, loving, and accepting of this aspect of myself and humanity. May we all be empowered to love and honor what is dissolving in our world to create space for all the beauty and heart-centered consciousness that is emerging.

    Dissolving – a poem

    There is a part of me that never needs to be fed by anything
    as it is complete, whole and self-nourishing.
    However, the part of me that feeds off of drama, junk food,
    competition, hate, anger, rage, despair,
    overwhelm, panic and sadness
    is present.
    It is showing me it is present.
    It is wanting me to feed it
    endlessly
    ceaselessly and
    without any regard to conscious action.

    I see you.
    I feel you.
    I know your hunger.
    I cannot feed you in the way that you want, crave or need.
    I am waking up and you are hungry.
    I know you will never be satisfied, that you will always crave, reach, pull, grab and hang on.
    I don’t know what to do for you, except to be your witness,
    the witness to what drives humanity to be inhuman,
    the witness to the cause of the suffering of all beings,
    the cause of the competition, greed and destruction
    that is now ready to be revealed;
    ready to be loved
    nurtured
    witnessed and
    dissolved
    through compassion, separation and merging with the wholeness within.

    May your dissolving be gentle, peaceful and loving.
    May I have the courage to be your witness
    no matter how fiercely you crave, hunger or hold on.
    I love you and I am here,
    separating from you
    witnessing you
    loving you as your journey comes to this point of completion.
    Thank you.

    May all beings be blessed with the courage
    clarity and awareness to separate from the hunger
    and merge with the one who never hungers.
    May the homecoming of the one who hungers be glorious.

    No matter what’s going on within or around you, may you know how much you are loved.

     © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Building resilience and what does that even mean?

    Building resilience and what does that even mean?

    Orange and yellow clouds against a purple and blue sky. Birds are flying across the sky.
    Learning to fly takes practice, and sometimes going back to our nest is required xoxoxo

    I used to think that I was broken because I can feel things so deeply in my mind, body, soul and heart. I used to think I was not good enough because I was always working on myself.

    In writing on this blog, and reading my beautiful friend Carla’s comments, and the comments of some other fabulous friends on Facebook, I can see that I have been looking at myself all wrong.

    As I’m working on myself and learning to get a PhD in Being Me, I’m not broken. I am damn good enough. What I’m doing is building resilience. I’m not repairing or fixing myself, I am learning to be me, and what I need to do to thrive in this world as me.

    What do you need dearest reader? What can I write about that will help you become more resilient, and to embody more of you? Please share in the comments or on the Contact me page. You matter and I care very much about what I write for you. I invite you to help me meet your needs better by sharing with me!

    Big hugs!

    A 4 minute video about my struggles and how I am building resilience each time I make it through hardship

  • Resting to reset – anxiety story

    Site icon
    Resting to reset – anxiety story
  • Being here

    Being here

    Introduction

    This poem is a follow up to a few of my recent posts (Choosing consciously, and Being while doing) about living more consciously and being aware of my life as I’m living it. This has been one of my goals for several years now and I seem to go through times where this is easy and times when I live in a fog. May this poem inspire you and call to your deepest self so you may be your own best companion and witness. May we all take a moment to love and nurture our hearts, bodies, minds, and souls. Big hugs!!

    Being here – a poem

    When my feet hit the ground, I want to be there.

    When my nose inhales the smell of spring, I want to be there.

    When my head turns to better hear and see the birds singing their joyous songs, I want to be there.

    When my hand holds my dog’s leash and I am taking her for a walk, I want to be there.

    When I look into my child’s eyes and see the beauty of their soul shining out, I want to be there.

    When my husband kisses me, I want to be there, in my lips and in my body, to feel his tenderness and his love for me.

    When my body aches, I want to be there.

    When the sun shines and it soothes my soul, I want to be there to feel it, breathe it in and be nourished by it.

    It is so easy to be outside of ourselves.  It is so easy to be lost in thoughts, swirling in a maze and whirlwind, right outside of our heads, lost in a vortex that never stops.

    I want to feel the vortex and let the majesty, beauty and pain within life pull me back to me.  I want to be an active participant in my life.  I want to be here no matter what is going on. 

    I want to be with my teeth as they chew my food.

    I want to be with my digestive system as it takes what it needs from the food and lets the rest pass through.

    I want to be with my nervous system as I navigate through life, one deep breath at a time.

    I want to be with my eyes as they witness both incredible cruelty and magnificent beauty. 

    I want to be with my ears as they hear songs of love and words of hatred.

    I want to be with my body as the desire to dance wells up from my belly and makes me get up.

    I want to be here, with myself, with each experience. 

    Always.  Now. Forever. 

    Being here. 

    Being there, wherever I am.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Choosing consciously

    5 stacked rocks on the shore of the ocean with a colorful sunset in the background.
    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    A note: This poem is a follow up to the post I published the other day about living with presence and bringing more of my care, attention and awareness to life. I have cycled through being more conscious and present in my life and I am coming alive to my life once again. No matter where you are on your journey of mindfulness and presence, I wish you well and may you show yourself compassion. Big hugs!

    Choosing consciously – a poem

    If I do something and

    feel like I don’t have a choice,

    I will be drained, hopeless and exhausted.

    If I do that same something

    but bring myself to the task

    and choose to do it

    because I want to,

    I am no longer choiceless.

    If I know that taking the garbage out

    and washing the pots are the last thing I want to do,

    but I do them anyway,

    I age, decay and slowly die inside.

    If I recognize that I don’t

    want to do those tasks and

    be gentle and caring with myself,

    instead of forcing my way on,

    I blossom, heal and nourish myself.

    It is a very subtle distinction,

    but I do believe it is

    the key to ending cycles of abuse,

    by using our free will even where

    it seems like we don’t have any.

    May we all find the little ways in which we can liberate

    ourselves from choicelessness of all forms,

    one conscious choice at a time.

  • Being while doing

     

    An early morning sun shining through clouds and trees
    A lovely moment when I stopped, took in the beauty of the sunrise and basked in its glory

    I really liked the subject of yesterday’s post, remembering the human in all of us (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/07/13/for-the-human-in-all-of-us/). Today, I am taking the concept a bit further by explaining my own troubles with losing myself in doing things.

    When I am tired, which is often because I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities.  When I am in that place, walking the dogs is not a pleasure, it’s a chore, taking care of the chickens is mechanical and cleaning or washing up feels like I am dragging my body around.  It’s a really sad state of affairs, but it’s the honest truth sometimes.  Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how being miserable while living my life isn’t ideal, in fact it’s just really sad and not what I want. 

    I’ve decided to start being while doing.  What I mean is this: When I check on the chickens, I want to see them, be with them, and honor them and me.  It doesn’t mean I’m going to sit with them for an hour and talk to each of them. It more means that I will take the time to look at and be with them while I check on them.  Would I like to interact with them when I check on them?  Would it bring me joy to stop, bend down, notice the gorgeous reflection of the sun in their feathers, and how soft they feel on my fingertips?  I think it’s a simple change, but one that can have a beautiful and miraculous impact for me and those I am interacting with, including the chickens, dogs, my family, co-workers, the plants in my garden and my home while I take care of it.

    I have known this for a long time, I’ve written poems about it as a way of teaching myself to be present and mindful and appreciative of my life, even the less enjoyable parts, while I’m living it.  What I’m realizing lately is that I had forgotten about it among the various stressors with my health, my family’s health and the state of the world, especially after the covid battle. 

    How do you feel while reading this post?  Do you resonate with what I’m sharing?  Would you like to shine more of the light of your beautiful heart and mind on the tasks you do in your life?  If so, I invite you to join me.  If you don’t know how, I’ll share a bit about what works for me to bring my presence to my life:

    • I look in the mirror when I’m in the washroom and I make sure I make eye contact with myself.  I usually smile too, even if I’m not feeling great that day, just to give myself a little boost and some care, right from me to me.
    • I try not to rush around doing chores.  I make a list and identify the ones I really have to do, and I give myself permission to go at the pace that feels best for me.  Playing some great music seems to remind me to enjoy life while doing chores too.  Dancing or singing while cleaning reminds me of my humanity.
    • I remind myself that I am a human being, not a human doing.  I take my time when I need to use the washroom, instead of just treating it like a means to an end.
    • Before I walk the dogs, I take a few deep breaths and remind myself how much I love them.  If the walk is stressful, I sing gently to myself or go through what I’m grateful for, or what I wish I could be grateful for (thanks for that tip Matt Kahn!).
    • I take short breathing breaks throughout the day to give my body more of the vitality that comes from consciously attending to my breath. 

    Over the next few posts, I’ll share some of my poetry that speaks to this topic.  With every breath you take, may you know, feel and sense your beautiful presence and may you feel the majesty and the grace of the light of your own care and attention.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • For the human in all of us

    Photo of my backyard. Lots of grass with forest in the background, with a mist covering part of it.
    Sometimes my perspective is slightly cloudy and misty. I stop, breathe, and remember my humanity and my vision clears.

    Sometimes, I find myself getting very frustrated by how slowly things change in our world. I am constantly reflecting, growing, evolving, and improving the way I relate to myself and the world.  I find it hard when things don’t keep up with my expectations.

    When I am frustrated and want things to be better, I stop and focus on the human I am interacting with. I remember their humanity. I remember that they have feelings, hopes and dreams, and they are likely doing the best they can. If they can’t meet me where I’m at and I find myself getting frustrated, I can take a deep breath.  I can remember that there is a human in front of me who is deserving of love, validation, and acknowledgment.  They are there, reminding me of the depth of experience possible that comes from interacting consciously with a person, even if I don’t like what is going on, what they are saying or what I am feeling. 

    With every interaction I have, may I share love, validation, and respect to all, including myself.  May we all remember that we are human, that we all respond well when we aren’t treated as objects but as beautiful beings. 

    It also helps me to remember that I am a human.  I have ups and downs, triggers, emotions, passions, etc.  When things aren’t going well in a situation, I breathe and remember that I am human, the people around me are human and we all have basic needs.  When I remember this, I can approach a situation from a more heart centered instead of judgemental place. 

    I see you dear reader, and I hope you know how much I appreciate you taking your time to read this post. May your interactions be blessed with so much care and respect and humanity.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

     

     

     

  • Protecting innocence

    A heartfelt video from me and our 4 week old chicks

    A few weeks ago, I wrote about the death of one of our 2 day old baby chicks: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/06/02/making-peace-with-suffering/

    It really broke my heart to watch her suffering, yet I knew she was teaching me alot.  In the video above, I talk about the baby chicks and how they exude innocence and purity.  They look at me and I can feel my anger, tension and rigidity melt away. 

    I have been reflecting on that innocence and purity.  We are all born that way, and circumstances in life can lead us to bury or hide that away.  I know it was like that for me, and I first really understood what I was missing when I was 35 years old: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/09/05/innocence/

    Those precious babies help remind me that we all have that innocence within us, and I want to nurture and protect it in others.  I have times when I am upset or tired, and I forget to speak directly to the innocence in others, and I also forget my own.  On days when I feel good and I separate out someone’s actions from their innocence, I feel like a superhero. Speaking to someone’s innocence instead of responding to their actions is a true gift.

    Today, I am having a hard time with that concept, but I am trying regardless. I am trying to nurture my innocence instead of judging myself for my behavior. Today, I am in need of more love, care, and patience, and I am doing my best to give that to myself. May we all be blessed with an abundance of patience, inspiration, and infinite love to share with the innocence in all hearts, especially our own. Big hugs!

    One of our 4 week old baby chicks
    Look at this sweetie!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved