PhD in Being Me

Tag: blogging

  • Letting it all out through allowing

    A cliff face with waterfalls

    Sometimes I feel the emotional pressure building up inside me, and I feel this urge to flee the pressure and the feelings.  Sometimes I distract myself.  But sometimes, I am brave and I turn toward it, instead of trying to get rid of it.

    I have this pressure on the left side of my jaw that comes and goes.  I learned recently that I can sit with that pressure and tell it, “I am here.  I want to understand you, not force you or make you go away.  I am here.”  Apparently, when we lean in towards discomfort, it signals to our brain that the uncomfortable sensation is safe and not a threat. 

    That makes a lot of sense to me.  I had done a lot of energy healing work in the early 2010s.  It was incredibly helpful for me in many ways, but it was quite damaging in others.  It ended up teaching me to try to get rid of any feeling in my body that wasn’t “of the light,” so I got scared of the heavy feelings and was always in a rush to do some healing process to get rid of it.  I understand how energy healing (at least the way I was taught) really amplified the lack of safety I already had in my mind and body and made me more anxious.  It also made me feel like I couldn’t be me, as I was, that I needed to keep striving for better and more healing.

    Ah, hindsight, eh?  The good news is I understand myself more now, and I have a greater sense of my needs and what works for me.  So, the idea of turning towards physical and emotional discomfort with care, presence and allowing is very refreshing and exciting for me.

    As a way of preparing myself better for future discomfort and being open and allowing, I am drafting some language I can draw on:

    • I am here for you and with you.  You are welcome here.
    • I am with you and it’s a joy to be with you.
    • I love you and I am here.  Thank you for being here, and thank you for teaching me how to be with you.
    • You are allowed to be here and I would love to get to know you.
    • I am here, is there anything you’d like me to know?

    The important thing for me is not to try to say these things when I need them, but to actually feel curious, caring and compassionate and then offer those words above with those sentiments.  Otherwise, I will just be covertly trying to fix or manage myself instead of giving myself a gift of care, allowing and compassion.  I am going to experiment with this and see if I can truly feel into allowing in my body instead of just trying to do it with my thoughts.

    I look forward to sharing an update in the future. 

    May you be well, and if you’re up for sharing, I’d love to hear what works for you ❤️❤️, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • True Self Proclamation

    Painting with red, yellow and orange flames in the background with a woman in a blue dress with her arms open on top of the flames, with a big YES above her and black hearts all around her.
    Falling into life with open arms and a big yes in my heart

    How beautiful is that image!  Gosh, I love it!  I painted that about a year ago, when I had been processing some big emotions and then I felt so free, like I could say yes to life.  I felt like I was falling deeper into life with my arms wide open and the love was exploding out of me.  It is such a beautiful and compelling visual for me.

    I definitely don’t feel like that every day, not by any means.  I sure would love to, as I remember times in my life where I felt safe to be me and how incrediby liberating it was.  I’ve been through a lot and I’m learning more about the chronic stress response and the impacts of trauma, and my struggles make a lot more sense.  It feels amazing to understand myself more, which is allowing me to relax more into being me with more compassion, kindness and patience.

    I’m part of a program (primaltrust.org) that helps people with chronic illnesses learn about the chronic stress response and how they can take an active role in creating more safety in their body and nervous system.  This past week, I am learning more about brain retraining and how with simple, micro-practices, over time, I should be able to build more safety, instead of mainly feeling, “I am not okay, this isn’t safe, etc.”

    I got really excited about this practice where I get to focus on a “true self” proclamation.  The idea is that I think of a time where I felt the most free, and imagine a world where I have always been supported, always allowed to be me, and completely free to be me, with no limits, boundaries or restrictions.  And then describe what I feel like, in my truest self, in a few words.  The idea is to reconnect with that essence and know that this part of me is what is leading me to greater healing and freedom.

    Aparently by writing it out, speaking out those words, and saying them to myself in the mirror at least once a day can really help me have a stronger foundation for brain retraining.  And it will probably help me feel more confident, even on days where I’m not feeling my best symptom wise.

    I got excited learning about this mini-practice, and the painting above came to mind right away.  I thought it would solidify this exercise for me to write about it on my blog. 

    • I am kind
    • I am compassionate
    • I am powerful
    • I am free
    • I am full of light and love
    • I am strong

    I feel happy thinking of these qualities that are within myself even when I am struggling with symptoms from my physical and mental health struggles.  It makes me feel like I am supported from deep down, and that I am not alone in my life.  If I had done this 15 years ago, I would not have been able to come up with this list by feeling into it.  I was so closed off, so hurt inside and so lonely, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine my true self, or find words to describe it. 

    And so, if you’re there today, I send you a big hug.  Primal Trust encourages people to think of a time when they felt most free or if they can’t find one to make it up for this micro-practice (apparently imagination and visualization are super helpful for brain retraining, I still have more to learn about it before I share anything more).  Wherever you are in this moment is perfectly valid, and I say the same to myself!  We all need to start somewhere, and our journey to healing is unique to each of us, but our humanity unites us and allows us to learn from each other’s experiences. 

    Thanks for reading, may we all get to know our true selves and feel supported by their qualities  🌸🌟🌸💖, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Looking up and ahead instead of down

    A winding pag through trees with orange, red and yellow leaves.

    At some point during the last several years, I started looking down when I walked to make sure I wouldn’t trip or fall.  I have been very delicate and vulnerable mentally and physically so looking down makes sense, even though I have been far from an age where a fall would have been catastrophic.

    I knew I was doing this, but I hadn’t realized just how much that was reflecting how I felt in the world.  How I needed to watch out, be careful and keep an eye out for potential hazards.

    In the fall of 2025, I did an exercise my art therapist suggested to help me focus a bit more outward. I was nailing the “meeting my needs” bit and she suggested I look more broadly at my needs from a physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social perspective.  I wrote about my initial efforts with this homework in September https://phdinbeingme.ca/2025/11/10/boundaries/.

    Since that time, I notice that it is easier to look up when I am walking.  Easier to notice aspects of my life that have been neglected due to my health limitations.  Easier to see more of me and life’s possibilities, even while I am unwell with chronic fatigue syndrome and mental health challenges.

    And so, I am finding it easier to remember to look up and ahead, to remember that I am more than my tough days, and that I have survived each tough day so far, and I can do it again.  I can work, slowly but surely, to create safety in my body, mind and heart and celebrate when I give myself kindness and compassion.  I can write what’s in my heart because sharing stories matters and reminds us that we are all connected in our humanity, even if our experiences are different.

    Wherever you are, whether you are looking down or upward, I send you smiles, care and kindness!

    Big hugs! 🌸🌟💖 Bradlee

    Photo of Bradlee smiling, wearing a pink winter hat in front of a snow covered field.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Holding space

    A photo in space, of pink and dark purple matter, with darkness all around.

    Well, here I am.  I really feel like writing, and celebrating the desire to write.

    I went for a cold, sunny sky walk with the dogs and I was filled with so much love and possibilities.  I was given an opportunity to see the extent of the possibilities of my life in spite of my physical and mental health challenges.

    I’ve been learning how to ride the waves of my emotions instead of being pulled into every feeling I have.  I was flooded with fear just when I was passing a wide field with a horse and two cows and a tall tree full of singing birds.  There was no immediate danger that I could see, in fact it was a beautiul scene, but I was terrified.  For the first time, I felt that fear coursing through my body and was able to see the beauty around me.  The horse was peeking around the wall of his shelter and was staring right at me.  I held his eyes and then looked at the cute cows, and knew that I could be okay despite the intense feelings in my body. 

    Slowly but surely, and I mean slowly (!), I am learning how to build up my capacity to feel my feelings, and to be stressed and to know that I am okay despite it all.  I’m also learning how to ride the waves of extreme fatigue that I have with chronic fatigue syndrome and to know that I’ll live through it.  Being exhausted for years has really stressed out every aspect of my beingness.  I am so grateful for my therapists, health care professionals and for the Primal Trust program, which is all about healing from the chronic stress response.

    I’m focusing on celebrating my wins, crying when I need to, knowing that I can create trust within myself as I learn to tend to my nervous system and body in new ways.  It’s taken a lot of tough living for me to get here, and I’m so loved, supported and cared for, so my hope for my future is justified. 

    I’m getting my PhD in Being Me each day that I listen to my body and mind and tune into my needs.  I used to think that if I could do everything perfectly, everything would be fine.  Now I see that it’s more about being who I am, exactly as I am, meeting myself where I’m at, learning, being patient, asking for help and loving myself. 

    I hope that you are inspired by what you need each day to get your very own Phd in Being You, because no one else is you and you are very worthy of caring for yourself and being supported.

    Big hugs!  🌸🌟💖 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Taking the pressure off

    Me, my husband Robbin and Archie the dog

    Honestly, have you ever seen a more relaxed dog?  Archie is such a sweet cutie pie.  I love this photo of him.  It’s not the best photo of Robbin and I, but it sure showcases how relaxed, happy and at ease he is.

    Archie teaches me and reminds me to take the pressure off myself.  I sometimes forgot to be compassionate to myself while I’m on this journey of living with chronic fatigue syndrome.  He is so relaxed, playful and goofy and he helps me get out of the worries for my future just by being his cute self. 

    He doesn’t care if I have chronic fatigue syndrome or not.  He just wants to be pet, walked, played with and fed delicious food.  And so, I thought I’d take the pressure off myself and think about what I want out of daily life.  Maybe that will help me see that chronic fatigue isn’t actually preventing me from having a full life, but more that it’s my beliefs about it that are.

    And so, here it is, what I want out of life:

    • Rest for my tired body
    • Quality time with my husband and son
    • A walk with the dogs
    • Chances to connect with friends and family
    • Mental stimulation from a good book, learning, a puzzle or other games, or a great show/movie
    • Opportunities throughout the day to create safety for my nervous system
    • Preparing and eating delicious food
    • Doing a chore or two for our wonderful home and belongings

    That actually is pretty simple, isn’t it?  I get all of that, every day.  Isn’t that miraculous?  Sometimes it really is just my perception of life with chronic fatigue that colors my experience.  I’ll do my best to remember that!  In fairness to me though, it is difficult to enjoy doing some of these things when I have so little energy or when my other symptoms are super strong.  So some days, even though I get to do the things that make me happiest, it is just hard with how tired I feel.  Okay, good, I’m glad I’m taking a balanced approach with this realization or else I’d just be putting more pressure on myself to enjoy every day, even on days where making a meal is too tiring.

    And so, wherever you are, and whatever life is bringing you in terms of joys and challenges, may you be well, and may it be easy for you to reflect on what is good in your life and give yourself a hug for whatever is hard.  A bit of both is a recipe for compassion, kindness and grace.

    All my best!  Bradlee 🌟💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • It all counts

    Painting of a yellow sun with a red heart in the center, with a little Bradlee drawn in the middle.

    No matter what your life experience has been or is today, it all counts.  And it all matters.  You matter.

    Even if you wish things could have been different or if you’ve just figured out something that has been impacting your whole life, you matter and it all counts as valid life experience.  Your life is precious.  Your story matters.  Your experience matters, especially if others have told you that you don’t matter or that you just needed to get over yourself.

    I love connecting with people and hearing their stories.  I love listening, asking questions, holding space and sharing.  We all have such different experiences and perspectives and there is something magical when two people can sit and be witnesses for each other’s lives.  One of the hardest parts of having chronic fatigue syndrome is not having the energy to do this as often as I would like.  Instead, it’s been teaching me to do the same for myself.  To hold space for me, and to be a witness for what is ready to be shared. 

    As I’ve been doing this, I’ve been seeing just how valid my life is, regardless of how unwell I’ve been.  All of my life experience counts, none of it is less important or valid because I’ve been struggling.  I wanted to write to share this message in case you needed it too 💖.

    I am turning 46 next week and I have spent most of my life trying to be what others have told me I should be or what I felt I needed to be to be safe and to survive.  This morning, I was feeling sad about my relationship with my dog and how it’s been rather tumultous because of my past.  I love her dearly so I was hugging her and thanking her for sticking with me and being such a dedicated teacher.  She’s been helping me reach some of the most hurt parts of myself. 

    Anyway, I was petting her and loving her and I realized that all of our experiences together count.  It all counts, even if it’s been messy.  I’ve been trying so hard to overcome my patterning and trauma and she’s been right there with me, encouraging me and being patient with me as she kept pushing me to get there.  One day, I really think I’ll write a mini-book about my relationship with precious Maggie, but for now, I wanted to share how she inspired me to see that I haven’t lost anything.  I don’t have to make up for lost time or try to catch up.  Our relationship has been exactly what it’s needed to be and she is okay with that.  She has held space for me to grieve, rage, grow, heal and do it all over again for the last 10 years.  It all counts.  She came into my life for a reason and it all counts. 

    And so, I take a deep breath and let it out.  And again.  I smile. I hug myself. And I know that there is peace in the messy and in my unraveling.  No matter how you are doing, please know that you count, your life matters, all of it counts and all of you counts. 

    Peace be with you 🌟♥️🌟♥️, Bradlee

    This is me and part of Maggie from yesterday, she is a precious cutie pie.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.