PhD in Being Me

Tag: boundaries

  • I didn’t think boundaries could be loving

    A stone terrace, with a short, moss covered rock wall along the edge of the terrace.

    Like many sensitive people, I have been exploring the concept of boundaries.  What does that word even mean, what do boundaries look like, when do I need them, is it okay to have them, when should I strengthen them, etc?

    I had this very innocent belief that if I had boundaries, then people would feel like I didn’t love them.  I thought that having no boundaries was the way to prevent anyone from thinking I was rejecting them.  I have been learning that these beliefs are part of my trauma narrative and were created as a way of helping me.

    I also recently realized that not having boundaries was a way I could keep myself safe.  Without boundaries, I could instantly tell if someone’s mood was changing and then I could jump in to try to manage the situation to (hopefully) stay safe. 

    By not having boundaries, I was able to energetically hold onto the people around me, so I could match their moods or be who they needed me to be so I wouldn’t get hurt. 

    It’s truly incredible to learn about how much of this was totally unconscious and was using up a lot of mental and energetic energy to maintain.  These are all very innoncent strategies that I developed to get the love and care I needed and to keep myself safe. 

    I am learning to really respect the parts of me that developed these strategies.  I’m 46, so I grew up at a time when feelings weren’t really talked about, they were more suppressed.  So having the opportunity through therapy and nervous system rehabilitation work to learn more about these strategies, why they were formed and what I can do differently is such a gift. 

    I realized how much progress I had made when I told my dog that she couldn’t come lie on the bed with me, even though I knew she really wanted to, and I didn’t feel guilty.  In fact, I realized how much I loved her and myself, and that having boundaries meant I could love her and respect myself more.  It was such a liberating but simple moment. 

    I’m looking forward to experimenting more with boundaries and building up my internal strength and resilience. I am very grateful for the trauma-informed therapy I am doing.  It makes me feel much safer to learn about myself and my history.  I am learning to be so compassionate to myself for how much I have survived and I am building an extensive library of tools to help me moving forward. 

    I am starting to be able to tell the difference between when I feel safe and grounded and when I am relating to my life from my trauma narrative.  I had no idea that there were two perspectives within me, I just knew that sometimes I felt powerful and capable, and other times I felt so small, victim-like and deeply sad. 

    It seems like the more I get to know that deeply safe, confident, powerful and strong part of me, then the easier it will be to have boundaries.  And the more I understand and recognize the very hurt parts of me and take care of them, then they’ll trust me to take the lead more. 

    I just love learning this stuff, it makes me feel so great.  There are so many people like me and there are so many tools and approaches I can take, including making sure I enjoy life and have fun, despite doing deep healing work and being chronically exhausted. 

    Maybe I can have it all, despite feeling limited?  That sounds really nice.  I can have boundaries and still be the loving and caring person I am.  Maybe I can be tired and still happy.  Maybe I can grieve the loss of my energy but be excited for all the opportunities I am gaining through this exhausted time in my life?  Ya, I like all of that.

    Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best in getting to know what your needs are and how you can best meet them.

    Take care, Bradlee 🩷🩷🌈🌈🌟🌟

  • For all the times I wanted to say no but couldn’t

    Burning it all down – art that came from a part of me that is reclaiming her voice and power

    Flames make me feel powerful and like I have a choice.  I have so much power buried within me, because for so long I couldn’t use my voice and power.  If I did, I was unsafe, so I learned to keep it down as a coping strategy.  The more I learn about trauma and how our nervous system adapts, the easier it is for me not to shame or blame myself, but to have compassion for what I’ve gone through and to reach out to the most hurt parts of me.

    I’ve started slowly, with baby steps in therapy, and art therapy and over the course of the last 2 years, I’ve been feeling safer to meet the pain, hurt and trauma within me.  Really, it’s been a life long journey, and these last 2 years have enabled me to go to the next layer within me.

    Sometimes, I feel this irritation inside me and I don’t always know where it’s coming from.  I get physical symptoms with that irritation too, and then sometimes it builds into anger, then rage, then murderous rage.  So this morning, I decided to say to that irritation, hey, do you want to share what you’re about?  How you’re helping me by feeling this way?

    After I went for a walk, it built up big time and I was worried about what I was going to do with the intensity of it.  I decided to take some space and take a shower and then I saw the image above in my head, and I realized exactly what the irritaion and anger were about.  They were about all the times I said yes instead of no.  All the times I felt so choiceless to do what I wanted/needed.  All the times I didn’t think I had the right to do what was in my best interests.  And, boy oh boy, was a part of me MAD about it.

    I got out my art supplies and just painted flames after flames and then painted myself and wrote the words I was hearing inside on top of the flames, such as:

    • No more!
    • I can say no and what I need to feel safe!
    • I am stronger by having boundaries and taking care of my needs
    • Burning up the powerlessness
    • Burning down the obligations and hyper-responsibility for others.  I can choose for me! 
    • etc.

    The most freeing part of this art and realization was that these feelings are no one’s fault.  I felt choiceless for so so many reasons and that was carrying into every area of my life.  Making this art helped me to recognize that and take responsibility for how I move forward.  It’s not that simple, because this is a life long coping strategy, and I’ll still feel choiceless and powerless many times, but now I understand more the impact that has had on me and I can treat myself with more compassion and learn more how I can bring healing to those parts of me.

    I love having these realizations because they make me feel less shame and they help me understand myself.  I also love making art about my big feelings because I get to contain them on a page as opposed to holding them in my body.  Sharing my art is a vulnerable thing, but this one feels safe to share because it’s such an explosion of feelings and power, and it makes me feel good to write about it on my blog.

    May you be blessed with an abundance of safety in your inner and outer worlds and may your heart be light.  Thank you for reading!

    💕✨️ Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Boundaries

    Double rainbow over a wide grassy plain

    I am exploring boundaries in therapy and in my daily life.  I have heard about boundaries a lot over the years, but hadn’t done a big exploration of what they are and aren’t in my life, why I need them and how they can help.

    So far, I have identified what it feels like when:

    • My boundaries are violated
    • I don’t know what my boundaries are
    • I constantly have to defend and protect myself
    • I don’t feel safe or worthy to have boundaries.

    These are important steps for me.  Recognizing these feelings and realities is hard, but an important step in healing and understanding what I need going forward.

    As a part of this, I am taking a look at my life’s bigger picture so I can make healthier decisions for myself.  My art therapist had suggested that I look at the emotional, mental, physical, social and spiritual big picture of my life so I can evaluate where I need to put more care.

    She gave me a resource document with different questions to prompt my exploration of my bigger picture.  I had a great time!  I hadn’t realized how narrow of a focus I had until I started.  And…it made me feel more empowered, which was tremendous.  It helped me realize how unwell and sick I am and how it is important for me to keep learning new ways to take care of my physical and mental health.

    I started the work at home, and then continued it by the Rideau River, which was inspiring and calming 💖.

    View of the Rideau River, with geese!
    My view sitting by the Rideau River
    Bradlee's red boots and legs with rocks at her feet
    My feet, legs and notebook!
    Bradlee's notebook with rocks all around
    The rocks and my self care, big picture chart

    Wherever you are in your health journey and life, I send you lots of care and smiles. I am taking it one day at a time and its okay if you need to too.  Big hugs and lots of care,

    Bradlee 💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Getting caught up

    A maze with green walls
    Sometimes I get stuck in the maze of my thoughts before I remember what’s important to me

    As an empath, it is easy for me to get caught up in the feelings someone brings to their interactions with me. Recently, I have been temporarily overwhelmed by the intensity of what I am feeling, and it’s like I am stuck in a maze of those feelings. Sometimes for hours, or even a day or two.

    I often remind myself that those feelings aren’t mine, but when I feel them so acutely, it can be hard to remember. It’s currently 5 in the morning and those feelings are still banging around in my consciousness, keeping me from feeling settled. But, thankfully, inspiration has struck! I have remembered what is important to me, which is getting a PhD in Being Me, not in being someone else, but lovely, sweet me.

    So what does that mean? It means I recognize I was lost in a maze of someone else’s feelings, but I have realized that it’s not my maze to get out from. In other words, I was attending classes in their PhD program, before remembering that all that matters is taking care of me, which includes focusing on me, and what I can do to continue to get a PhD in Being Me. No one else but me.

    I had some other imagery pop into my awareness a month or so ago to help me through this time. In my mind’s eye, I saw myself existing within a circular boundary line, and there were holes in it. I saw people and their concerns and force coming right through those holes, and bouncing around within the inner sanctuary of my boundary line. I saw it so clearly, and realized how long that had been going on in my life. I took several breaths, and saw my boundary circle fortifying and completing itself, which brought me much inner peace.

    A wise friend recently reminded me how others are here to teach us and help us to grow. I see that so clearly in terms of what’s been happening recently. So thank you to those who so easily come through the weak spots in my boundaries. Thank you for reminding me to focus on myself, and what’s important to me. I expect I will continue to learn this until it becomes so effortless, but in the meantime, even though it is unpleasant sometimes, I must admit that I always feel triumphant when I have these realizations.

    No matter what’s going on in your life, may you be blessed with strong boundaries, a gorgeous sense of self, and the confidence to live as the true and complete beauty of your sweetie self.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Done

    Early morning quiet at my place

    Sometimes I am done.

    I have nothing more to give, no more capacity to think things through, or to deal with differing opinions constructively or compassionately.

    When I am in this place, I rest.

    When cookies are finished baking, there is no point in keeping them in the oven because they’ll just burn. With people, it’s the same, and I have learned that the hard way.

    When I start waking up super early with a racing mind, a restless body, and an overall unsettled feeling, it is my beingness telling me, “hey, the timer’s beeping, take me out of the oven.”

    Today, I am honoring myself by recognizing this state of being by getting out of bed early, drawing a bath, writing about my experience and planning not to try to force my way through my day.

    Note: as I wrote the last sentence above a few days ago, I knew right away that my plan wasn’t enough. I got into the bath and cried a bit and knew that I needed a day off of work. Even though I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I still sometimes find it hard to take a day off. Starting this post gave me the time and space within myself to actually reflect on my needs and to give myself permission to meet them.

    I really like the analogy I started above about not baking cookies longer than they need or else they’ll burn. I definitely don’t want to burn myself out again, like I did in 2016.

    May we all be blessed with the space, means and support we need to notice how we are doing, and to take the steps we need to care for and nurture ourselves when we are done. I believe it is okay to set the timer so the cookies come out of the oven before they burn, may we all be empowered and supported to do the same for ourselves.

    Big hugs 💕

    Cookies on a baking sheet
    Cookies I happily made the other day. I watched them carefully while they were in the oven.
    May we all do the same for ourselves so we can heed our warning signals that it’s time to rest and ‘get out of the oven’ of busyness and stress

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Giving my anger a voice

    An empty field with a darkening sky with a magnificent thin stretch of pink clouds at the horizon.

    In my life, I have not been kind to my anger. I have denied it, suppressed it and turned it inwards instead of giving it a voice.  I specifically remember times when I felt anger building within me and I told it and myself that I wanted to be nice and that my anger had no right to take over like that.

    I have long known that I really harmed myself by taking that approach, and over the past several years, i have been learning how to feel anger, trust myself with anger, and to give it a voice.

    I have written several blog posts and poems about anger, and have talked about my feelings of anger with others, but deep down, I still felt ashamed of my anger.  I was giving myself permission to feel and experience it, but on one level, I was still not okay with anger.

    Yesterday, I learned again that anger can be suppressed passion that needs to be expressed.  I can give my anger room to breathe by expressing it creatively and artistically.  Not by continuing to shove it down or judge it, but by capturing its full intensity through my writing, drawing, cooking, and whatever creative ways I can give it an uncensored voice.  I acknowledge that throwing sticks or rocks while yelling is also very effective! I really enjoy doing that!

    Learning about expressing my anger creatively gave me a deeper sense of peace.  Feeling and expressing anger are a part of life, and I am learning it is safe for me to experience and express it.  I can give myself full and complete permission to feel and express anger, even if sometimes I’d rather feel differently. 

    Thank you precious anger.  

    Thank you for coming to the surface of my being and refusing to stay banished within me.  

    Thank you for erupting from my depths to teach me about my worthiness, the importance of boundaries and needing space, and to trust instead of punish myself.

    Thank you for giving me permission to be all of myself and for shedding guilt and shame about being a fully feeling human.

    Thank you for energizing and galvanizing me during times of injustice.  I love feeling the surge of anger that precedes me taking action to right a wrong, it is truly magnificent. 

    Thank you dearest body, mind, heart and soul for giving me the space and time to deny my anger, even though I was denying myself.

    Thank you for reading this post.

    Thank you, I am smiling.  May we all be blessed with liberation from suffering, and the freedom to feel, trust and safely exptess our emotions.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Trying – a poem

    Trying – a poem

    I am so tired of trying.

    Trying to make life work with a limited amount of energy.

    Trying to make healthy choices so i dont get worse.

    Trying at work, at home and with friends and family, and everywhere else.

    Trying is exhausting.

    Today i surrender to who i am, to my reality and to my limitations. I just can’t keep trying, i need to be exactly as i am.

    I am sorry to those i may disappoint. I can no longer disappoint myself and ignore my needs for the sake of others and their expectations.

    Ahhhh, some relief and space.

    I can only be me, so here i am

    limited, tired and in need of self care.

    I take myself as i am and i hope you can too.

    A note: this poem is for my heart and innocence and for everyone who is trying so hard. I honour you and send you big hugs.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.

  • A little space

    Do you ever feel like you need a little space? Gosh, I know I do! If you can relate to the facial expressions below, please read on and check out my video further down ❤️❤️.

    Me with my hand covering half my face.
    I am smiling here and resting my head on my forehead. Sometimes I add some swearing too
    Me, with my head tilted to the side with a "oh no, not again" expression on my face.
    This is my “no, not again” face. It’s usually for the dogs, and may be accompanied by swearing
    Me with an attempt at making an irritated look, with one eyebrow down and a frown.
    I had fun with these photos. This one is half irritated, half me trying to capture my exasperation for you.

    Sometimes, you need a little space. When life feels like too much, when there is too much to do, or too many demands from others on your time. A little space is a free and easy way to rebalance and recharge so you can come back to feeling like yourself.

    I fully acknowledge that the more stress and pressure in life, the more space is needed. Sometimes we can give that to ourselves, but sometimes we can’t because we are caretakers, or our work requires it. In this short video, I give a few examples of how you can give yourself some space.

    I was inspired to put this post together this afternoon because I needed space big time. It’s felt like a big week, and I am tired out today. My dogs seem to know when I am more tired, and they push the boundaries hard as a result. I yelled at them earlier and just felt so crowded. I recognize this may not seem like a big deal, but I am recovering from a lifetime of letting others take up my personal space, and my dogs are my best teachers. I get so harried and overwhelmed when my boundaries are violated, and I decided to make a change this afternoon to help myself out.

    I had a quick errand to run, so I thought that would be a way to get some space. I almost came back home right away, but I decided to pause and consider what would help me the most. I decided to get some gas for my Lovemobile (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/07/04/phd-in-being-me-in-action/) and some fries, and it made a huge difference. I don’t think it was about the fries or seeing people at the gas station. I think it was much more about needing to do my own thing, by myself, so I could recharge. And even recognizing that I needed that time out of the house.

    From my heart to yours, here are some other ways I have found to get a little space while not leaving my home:

    • Pulling up weeds is a free way to connect with nature, get your feelings out and be outside
    • Washing dishes while playing your favorite song
    • Taking a longer than usual shower or bath and enjoying the feeling of the water
    • Saying no to demands from everyone and enjoying something that brings pleasure or smiles to your heart
    • Lying on your bed when you can be alone and spending 5 minutes deep breathing
    • Looking at yourself in the mirror and smiling and saying nice things to yourself, even if you look and feel like shit. This is very effective for me. It allows me to show up for and see myself, even in my worst moments.

    I first really understood the true value of space from Matt Kahn, a spiritual teacher and author who had helped me a lot (www.mattkahn.org). He explained how we need space so we can empty out our energetic recycling bin. He also helped me to know that anger and irritation is a sure sign that space is needed to process, integrate, and empty our recycling bin. I use those emotions as cues to take a few minutes to a few hours to take care of myself.

    I sincerely hope this post was helpful for you. If not, I hope you laughed at my hilarious facial expressions. Please share how you give yourself a little space. Big hugs!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • So worthy

    The sky is gorgeous and so are you

    Over the past few days, I have been witnessing and hearing about people being treated as less than. It really bothers me, and I get really angry and want to change our world for the better. I know that hurt people hurt people, but I can’t help but feel like we should all be able to get along.

    If you are being mistreated, cast aside, ignored, persecuted, or abused, I stand with you. I am with you, and you are so worthy.

    For every time you feel down, please read these words and be reminded that you matter and you are lovely, just as you are.

    Our world values numbers, productivity, and profits over people. You are so much more than a human resource and a human doing. You are a beautiful being, and may you know and feel your beauty, truth, and worth, no matter how you are being treated.

    May you be blessed with an abundance of support, safety, courage, and strength to leave unhealthy situations.

    May you know how worthy you are of being well treated and being in healthy environments with compassionate people.

    May we all rise up to live from our inner power so we can create true equity for all.

    I stand with you, I honor you, and I am cheering you on.

    Me sending you lots of love and saying, “I see you and you are so worthy.”

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • When rest is best

    An unmade bed that is ready to climb into for rest
    A bed ready to rest in!

    Living with chronic fatigue syndrome can be quite confusing and hard. I remember being a student athlete, working full time and working on a Master’s degree in another city, and other wonderful examples of having energy. I also know that having this medical condition has taught me so much about myself and has given me a chance to know myself better and to heal some big wounds.

    I can only write about my experience of chronic fatigue syndrome, and my experiences will likely be different from those of others. I acknowledge, honor, and respect everyone with a chronic condition, no matter how their symptoms manifest.

    The thing I struggle with the most is not comparing myself to others who aren’t constantly tired. I look at the volunteers in my community and how hard they work, and I am in awe and jealous all at once. Chronic fatigue syndrome has taught me to focus on my own experience of life more. To notice how it feels to live the life I have, even when I sometimes want it to be different.

    I don’t have control over if I get better (believe me, I have tried), but I do have control over the choices I make each day. I can choose to notice that my head hurts and I am feeling nauseous. Both of those are my precious body’s way of saying, “hey, rest is what I need, not more doing.” Being respectful of myself means listening to my body, honoring any emotions I feel about needing to lie down, and giving myself permission to rest in a world that is so very busy.

    I have struggled with this a lot and am much kinder to myself now. I still whine and moan sometimes because my emotional maturity level goes down the more tired I get. Despite this, I am proud of how much easier it is for me to make choices that are in my best interests. I am proud of myself for developing boundaries and finding the courage to speak up about them. I am proud of myself for developing a stronger sense of self worth despite having this condition. I would still like to get better at not comparing my energy to others and not judging myself, but I recognize I am getting better at this. I have such a wonderful life, I don’t want to miss out on it just because I am chronically tired. May we all be blessed with knowing when rest is best and with the ability to be so kind to ourselves.

    I dedicate this post to my beautiful body for teaching me about when rest is best and to chronic fatigue syndrome for helping me polish my interior and exterior so I can shine brighter than ever before despite this condition. May we all be blessed to know how life is always here to help us, even when life isn’t how we want it to be. Big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved