PhD in Being Me

Tag: boundaries

  • Beyond the Breaking Point

    Image from space of ice fractures in the Beaufort Sea.
    Extensive Ice Fractures in the Beaufort Sea by NASA Goddard Photo and Video is licensed under CC-BY 2.0

    In my previous post, I wrote about being at the breaking point. It was a post overflowing with the rawness of emotion I was experiencing at the time. Writing that post gave me courage to be with myself when I was so angry, disappointed and violated. It helped me understand that I didn’t need to know what was coming next, yet.

    Here I am a few days later and I am so grateful for this experience. It taught me that I am my own fiercest protector. In the face of disrespectful behavior, I rose up within myself to see it for what it was and to say enough. I was flooded with a whole spectrum of emotions, all of which I was able to embrace as completely valid. I didn’t have my next steps ready, instead I just gave those huge emotions space to breath and to guide me to what was next.

    This is new territory for me because in the past, I just micro-managed myself, trying to fit into the mold of who I thought I should be. I’ve been unlearning all of that, and I am learning to live my own life, according to my rules, my beliefs, my values and my feelings. It is a gorgeously transformative process that has been incredibly beautiful, rewarding, and exhausting.

    The next morning after writing that post, my next steps became clear. My limits and boundaries had been violated so severely and I was radiating with a giant, booming, “NO MORE,” in the cells of my body. I knew that I owed it to myself to follow those feelings and to make decisions that would allow me to be in a healthier, more respectful environment. In the past, I used to think I had to stay and suffer through it, or try to reason my way through abusive behavior, or make excuses for those being disrespectful. This may be the among the rare times when I heard the “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” scream within me and gave myself permission to act on it. May this be more of my reality going forward (and yours too if this resonates with you).

    I’m learning how to be an expert in me, by working towards getting a PhD in Being Me, and I took major steps forward during this experience. It felt holistic and pure and straight from within me. I didn’t look to others to confirm my next steps, I make those decisions from that inner roar and man, it felt so super good.

    By Friday evening, I was exhausted and depleted and yesterday too. I know how much energy it takes to learn new ways of being and to follow ones instincts in a world full of advice, fads and ways of being. I rode those waves of exhaustion and made sure to praise myself for following my inner voice, for protecting my innocence, for knowing I was worthy of having my boundaries respected and for taking steps to make sure major boundary violations wouldn’t happen again. I was gentle with myself as I went through this and I am smiling while typing this. It feels very good to be learning to honor myself from the inside out.

    If you are in need of gentleness, I support you. I am with you. I haven’t gotten to this place overnight. It has been a life long process, one that has been agonizingly slow at times. It is my hope that in sharing my journey, it will help connect you to what is best for you in your life. I would never dream of making any reader think that they need to do exactly what I am doing. Rather, it is my dream that you, dear reader, may be so full of love, inspiration and hope after visiting this blog that it makes your life easier and gentler.

    May you follow the breadcrumbs of light that I am leaving behind as I walk, type and learn to live from my power. May they lead you to your inner voice and power. May you rise up within yourself, in your own way, to live your life from the inside out, in all of your brilliance and authenticity, despite anything you’ve ever been told about what is wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with me. We are beautiful humans, being pushed to the breaking point, so we may see what’s on the other side.

    Pssst, I have a secret. I think it’s only freedom, power and greater confidence. Look out world, here we come with songs of hope, torches of light and an abundance of love and healing.

    Big hugs!! xoxoxoxoox

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • The Breaking Point

    Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

    I’ve been feeling more of my power coming to the forefront of my inner world lately and it’s been wonderful.  Today I had an experience that deeply insulted, offended and angered me.  After it was over, I felt like I was in shock, and I needed time to settle back into myself.  I was in shock over how rude, insensitive and condescending people can be, and how so many others seem to support that type of behavior.  I have been a human for 43 years now, and the more I open my heart and lead with my vulnerability, the more I am shocked and appalled by the worst aspects of humanity. 

    Shortly afterwards, I had to excuse myself in order to cry and let my feelings out.  I remember wanting to rationalize and justify things to myself, instead I chose to love the one who needed to break down and shed many tears.  That felt so much better to me, to just give myself permission to be overcome with emotion and to embrace the one who felt trampled and abused.  As the day went on, I continued to embrace and hold space for my precious innocence as I grieved and felt the shock.  I really felt like I got further in getting a PhD in Being Me today.

    As the day went on, I got angry.  I learned how my anger is a way to respond to a pretty intense violation of my precious inner space and outer boundaries.  I started cherishing that anger and I could see images in my mind of me becoming a dragon and breathing flames everywhere, not in a destructive way, but in a powerful, “not again” way.  Writing this is one of the things I am choosing to do to honor myself today, and the sadness that I continue to feel under that anger that is giving me the strength to advocate for myself and to prevent this from happening again.

    I’m still not sure what my next steps are, but I know now that I’ve been growing and I have new tools and new awareness to honor, protect and nurture myself.  I have come very, very, very far in this way.  I remember the days when my only options were to shut down, cry in my choicelessness/helplessness or to deepen my victimhood.  If you resonate with those ways of being, I see you.  I also super honor you.  It is so hard to be choiceless, to feel like a victim and to live from a shut down place.  With every word you read on this blog, may you know that I believe in you.  May you be blessed with all you need to heal from trauma, abuse and other atrocities you’ve experienced and may you be surrounded with a blanket of peace, healing and protection while you heal. 

    Let’s breathe fire together and burn down (metaphorically 😊) all that no longer serves humanity.

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Finding My Power

    Image of flames

    I have been scared and intimidated by anger in the past.  I have also been wanting to get to know my anger and to create more space for it within me.

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome.  Over the last several years, I have hated myself for it, resented, blamed and berated myself and my body for it. I have also lost myself in efforts to “get rid of it” so I could get back to my life without it.  I have tried many ways to heal, those that honored me and my precious body and those that were just a means to an end.

    This past week I thought to myself that I would just stop.  Just stop trying to get better, to overcome this and just be me regardless of whether I like having chronic fatigue or not.  It felt very nice, like I could finally relax and just be.  Ironically then, yesterday I met two people who offered me suggestions of other options or paths I could take. At first it felt nice to have more hope but a few hours later I felt angry. I felt it traveling up the right side of my body, burning.  I felt it and I knew. 

    This is my power.  This anger is me saying enough, reminding me that I am the one with the power to make my own decisions, the only one who can choose to stop trying and just be.  The one who can appreciate that there may be other avenues to explore but who needs a rest from exploring.  As I type this, I feel incredibly empowered and accepting of myself. I don’t feel like I am giving up on myself. If anything, my anger has led me to a deeper sense of home, acceptance and belonging within me.

    It’s 3:54am and I felt so moved by my anger that I needed to type this out.  I had just woken up 25 minutes ago to use the washroom and I felt so full of thoughts that I decided to breathe and allow my breath to empty me out so I could go back to sleep. I felt dizzy with how overflowing I was with thoughts but then I remembered the beautiful anger I had felt while brushing my teeth before bed and I reclaimed my power again and starting typing.  Now I feel like I am my own super hero with a calm mind and heart.  I am here, loving and honoring myself and my need “to be” instead of “pursue”.

    Will I ever try other ways to heal my chronic fatigue? Absolutely.  When will I start that exploration?  When the time feels right.

    Thank you my beautiful mind, body and heart for all you do. And thank you anger for teaching me to honor my needs and boundaries and for guiding me to my inner peace and power. No matter where you are in your life and what you are dealing with, may you be blessed with so much inner power, strength, inspiration and peace.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.