PhD in Being Me

Tag: brain retraining

  • When I don’t have enough of a connection to me

    Image of broken pottery

    Sometimes I feel like I’m missing myself and I seem to have lost me.  This week, I watched a comedy special from Michelle Buteau and I was reading her fabulous book, Survival of the Thickest.  I had a lot going on and those were both making me laugh and feel lighter.  And then I felt this hole inside of me, this missing, and lack of connection.

    It was me, calling to me, asking me to nourish and fill myself up with me.  That missing feeling was guiding me to spend time with myself in ways that could address that lack.  I’m doing that this morning and it feels much better. 

    There are so so many ways to spend one’s time, and it’s easy to miss the call from within about our own needs and what will help meet them.  Especially when living a busy life with work, family, kids/pets/volunteering, etc. 

    During this time of healing, I am learning the importance of attuning to my mind, body and soul to notice my needs.  I am learning that doing that helps regulate the nervous system and can help heal from emotional trauma through being the person that meets your needs.

    It’s amazing how some things that meet my needs one day but not the next.  I think that’s a way to help me tune in more deeply, instead of rotely going through the motions of taking care of myself.  I am learning how to connect with myself and settle more into my body so that I can better feel into my needs.  This is getting easier over time and seems like daunting and overwhelming and more like a healthy and nourishing habit.  I used to TRY so hard to do everything right and now I’m learning to focus on tuning in and listening instead of rushing, fixing, pressuring and trying.  One day at a time 💖.

    And so, for the rest of the day, I’m going to pay attention to myself, rest, and allow myself to be exactly as I am, with some support from me.  I wish you all the best with what your days bring you!  And may kindness and compassion towards yourself be part of your days too!

    With care ♥️, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Recognizing my internal fight

    Drawing of a knight's helmet in silver
    My internal armour

    I have been fighting for a long time.  I’ve tried writing about my internal fight on this blog for over a year, but it hasn’t been the right time.  Likely that’s because I am still learning about that fight, what it means, and how I can turn towards it with care and compassion instead of responding from fear.

    My internal fighting feels very loud, confusing and scary.  Am I fighting myself?  The world?  My past?  Certain people?  All people? My circumstances?  My body and mind?  Perhaps all of it? 

    This fighting has also caused a big divide within me, because I don’t want to think of myself as combative.  I prefer to focus on the parts of me that I like, such as the funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding parts.  But those fighting parts have been necessary.  They don’t make me any less funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding.  In fact, the internal battle has probably helped me further develop those more loving attributes because I’ve known what it’s like to have to fight to stay safe.

    I’m writing this to help myself understand and so it may be a bumpy read, but that’s okay.  It’s a bumpy life, isn’t it? 

    In the brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am learning from, they teach a lot about creating safety and trust by learning to be with your tough symptoms, feelings, sensations.  They offer so many teachings that I’ve been slowly absorbing over the last several months, and over time, I’m feeling safer to take in those teachings and apply them to my life.  As I apply them, it’s getting easier to know myself, especially aspects that have been too scary to know earlier. 

    And so this morning, I was feeling exhausted, nervous and unsure, so I sat with one of their practices about allowing what one is feeling to be here.  Gosh, it was so nice.  I am starting to understand how much I was responding to what I was feeling in my body with a fight or flight response.  And this morning, I allowed those sensations, I allowed the fight and lack of safety to be there, and I witnessed it all.  It was about a few minutes, and then I flipped to one of their teachings about the nervous system that I had been avoiding and it really helped me be so much more accepting of where I’m at.  And that gives me more hope for my day to day life.

    Side note: If you’re curious about the program or have any questions, feel free to write a comment or you can message me directly through my contact page.  I learned about the program from the functional medicine specialist who is helping me with chronic fatigue syndrome. 

    End note: I am learning to respect that internal fight and maybe through allowing and witnessing my internal battle, I will cultivate more peace, safety and ease in my mind, body, heart and soul.  Yes, that feels nice.  May it be so, for me, for you and for the world.

    With lots of care, 💖 Bradlee

    Me, Maggie and Archie playing games

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Acknowledging progress

    Long green grass blowing in the wind

    It’s easy for me to get caught up in the day to day and lose sight of my growth and healing.  I have been off work for a year and a half to take care of my physical and mental health.  I recognize that I am not well enough to work, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t healed, grown and rested during this time.

    If I have a tough day with big time symptoms or fatigue, it’s even easier for me to forget how far I have already come.  And so today, I am acknowledging and celebrating my wins.  They are very important, even if my life can still be difficult.

    • The brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am participating in is helping me.  When I first started in November, I was so triggered reading the materials and watching the videos, so I took very baby steps.  My capacity for learning, doing the exercises and holding space for myself has hugely increased.  Yay!  I am still going slow and checking in with my body, and that feels really healthy.  It’s one way I am working on my PhD in Being Me, tuning in to myself and my needs instead of rushing to complete the next training level if I am not ready.
    • I am getting better at making choices that honour where I am with chronic fatigue syndrome instead of forcing myself onwards when I know it will negatively impact me.
    • I am better able to tell when I need to speak up about a boundary or if my boundaries have been violated.
    • I feel less choiceless in my every day life.
    • I am more compassionate with myself and others.
    • I am feeling less responsible for the world and the people I care about.
    • I really like doing somatic work, and I get a lot of ease and relief when I do it.
    • I can sometimes notice when I am dissociated, numb, or frozen and can give myself extra love.
    • I better understand different feelings in my body and what they are signaling.  I am also learning to ride through the panic I feel when the toughest ones arise.  I did that yesterday with a tool and gosh, it helped so much.
    • I am able to put the tools aside and just be as I am, like today 💕.

    My plan is to publish posts about some helpful tools I have been learning about and strategies I am figuring out for myself.  I hope these future posts empower me and any reader who may benefit.  Life can be beautiful, but challenging, and I love learning about ways to navigate the challenges in healthier ways 🌸🌸.

    Thanks for reading, may you be well and may your intuition be strong and clear to support you!

    With care, 💖 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026. All Rights Reserved.

  • True Self Proclamation

    Painting with red, yellow and orange flames in the background with a woman in a blue dress with her arms open on top of the flames, with a big YES above her and black hearts all around her.
    Falling into life with open arms and a big yes in my heart

    How beautiful is that image!  Gosh, I love it!  I painted that about a year ago, when I had been processing some big emotions and then I felt so free, like I could say yes to life.  I felt like I was falling deeper into life with my arms wide open and the love was exploding out of me.  It is such a beautiful and compelling visual for me.

    I definitely don’t feel like that every day, not by any means.  I sure would love to, as I remember times in my life where I felt safe to be me and how incrediby liberating it was.  I’ve been through a lot and I’m learning more about the chronic stress response and the impacts of trauma, and my struggles make a lot more sense.  It feels amazing to understand myself more, which is allowing me to relax more into being me with more compassion, kindness and patience.

    I’m part of a program (primaltrust.org) that helps people with chronic illnesses learn about the chronic stress response and how they can take an active role in creating more safety in their body and nervous system.  This past week, I am learning more about brain retraining and how with simple, micro-practices, over time, I should be able to build more safety, instead of mainly feeling, “I am not okay, this isn’t safe, etc.”

    I got really excited about this practice where I get to focus on a “true self” proclamation.  The idea is that I think of a time where I felt the most free, and imagine a world where I have always been supported, always allowed to be me, and completely free to be me, with no limits, boundaries or restrictions.  And then describe what I feel like, in my truest self, in a few words.  The idea is to reconnect with that essence and know that this part of me is what is leading me to greater healing and freedom.

    Aparently by writing it out, speaking out those words, and saying them to myself in the mirror at least once a day can really help me have a stronger foundation for brain retraining.  And it will probably help me feel more confident, even on days where I’m not feeling my best symptom wise.

    I got excited learning about this mini-practice, and the painting above came to mind right away.  I thought it would solidify this exercise for me to write about it on my blog. 

    • I am kind
    • I am compassionate
    • I am powerful
    • I am free
    • I am full of light and love
    • I am strong

    I feel happy thinking of these qualities that are within myself even when I am struggling with symptoms from my physical and mental health struggles.  It makes me feel like I am supported from deep down, and that I am not alone in my life.  If I had done this 15 years ago, I would not have been able to come up with this list by feeling into it.  I was so closed off, so hurt inside and so lonely, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine my true self, or find words to describe it. 

    And so, if you’re there today, I send you a big hug.  Primal Trust encourages people to think of a time when they felt most free or if they can’t find one to make it up for this micro-practice (apparently imagination and visualization are super helpful for brain retraining, I still have more to learn about it before I share anything more).  Wherever you are in this moment is perfectly valid, and I say the same to myself!  We all need to start somewhere, and our journey to healing is unique to each of us, but our humanity unites us and allows us to learn from each other’s experiences. 

    Thanks for reading, may we all get to know our true selves and feel supported by their qualities  🌸🌟🌸💖, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.