I love snails. I often pick them up off the road and place them on the plants on the side of the road. I love watching how slowly and deliberately they move along a plant or the ground. They bring their homes wherever they go, and they seem to enjoy taking their time to get where they are going.
When I walk the dogs and I come across a group of snails, I always want to stop and just watch them. For such little, slow-moving creatures, they have such an ability to inspire and bring joy. They remind me that even though I move slowly with chronic fatigue sometimes, I can still inspire and bring joy.
A snail’s life is no less important than a fast cheetah’s, so it makes me wonder why I have put so much pressure on myself to get better and be faster than I am now. I have learned so much from having chronic fatigue syndrome. I am now more effective, efficient, and productive, and I excel at resting and paying attention to my precious body’s cues. Because I have limited energy, I use what I have wisely and only on tasks that matter to me and have high value.
I love how the cute little snails on my road gave me such an opportunity to validate and appreciate myself, even on days where I move slower than a snail.
No matter what pace you can go in your daily life, or how far you go, may you know that your life and you matter and are perfectly valid. Big hugs and thanks for reading.
You matter, no matter how fast or slowly you move through life
Image of me flexing my muscles in celebration of finding strength within me
Sneak peek: loving video at the end of this post!
Since I started getting progressively more tired with chronic fatigue syndrome, I thought I was getting weaker. It can be easy to associate any condition or change in abilities with weakness. I felt the same about how anxious I was getting over the years. It turns out I was wrong. Learning to cope with challenges and unexpected realities creates strength and resilience, not weakness.
For a long time, I hid how tired I was, and I didn’t talk about how hard it was, even with my doctor and naturopath. I felt this absurd need to downplay my symptoms. Through many hardships in my personal and professional, I learned just how much shame I was experiencing. I think I needed to soak in that shame so I could find my self-worth and rise up despite my diagnosis. I feel like I could write a book about this subject and I really hope to in the future. There is something so magical about struggling and suffering yet finding one’s way through. It is so beautiful and inspiring, and I hope to uplift and support others by sharing deeply about my struggles to embrace, accept, know, and love myself.
I had so many loving and supportive people who validated me, even when I didn’t think I was good enough. My family first helped me see that I am physically and emotionally strong even though I am always tired. They supported me through the shame and unworthiness I felt about it. My beautiful friend Jana helped me with that, too, when I easily moved a heavy umbrella stand. And Georgette coached me through the fears I had about taking big steps to reclaim my power. K taught me that there are cycles in life and that it’s okay not to give 100% all the time. I remember how incredibly powerful their help and support was. I am so grateful to all my friends, family, and colleagues who loved and appreciated me for me, regardless of how tired or anxious I was (or am). I hadn’t recognized how small, not good enough and incapable I felt just because I am chronically exhausted.
With every supportive and encouraging word from family, friends, colleagues and that I learned to give to myself, I started reclaiming my worth and my physical and emotional strength. Learning to honor myself and my precious body has been life changing for me, too. Developing my self-worth has helped me make healthier and more confident decisions in my life, including recognizing and enforcing boundaries, eating ways that give me more energy and other healthy habits. Tremendous good has come out of having chronic fatigue syndrome. Through perceiving myself as weak, I have found true strength, what a beautiful gift. My strength still wavers at times, but now that I have found it, I won’t lose it again.
Even though we face challenges in life, whether they are imposed on us by society or not, whether they are temporary or permanent, physical, mental, emotional, or financial, or the result of longstanding systemic racism and oppression, we are still strong. Challenges of any kind don’t make us weak. If anything, they make us more resilient.
May we all rise up and reclaim our inner power and strength and dissolve all barriers so we may have true equity, unity, harmony and acceptance within our hearts, bodies, minds, societies, cultures and countries. May we all be blessed to have loving and supportive people to share our lives with too!
In closing, I am sharing a video with a special message and some deep breaths from my heart to yours ❤️.
A short video to anchor the message of finding strength, self-love and self-worth especially through challenges
Note: I have not suffered the effects of systemic racism and oppression as a white, cisgender woman of Lebanese and Italian ancestry. I wanted to include reference to those who deal with that on a daily basis to honor their strength and resilience. And to highlight my commitment as an ally who is learning and applying what I learn each day. May those oppressive and racist systems be completely transformed and resolved for the well-being of all humanity.
Living with chronic fatigue syndrome can be quite confusing and hard. I remember being a student athlete, working full time and working on a Master’s degree in another city, and other wonderful examples of having energy. I also know that having this medical condition has taught me so much about myself and has given me a chance to know myself better and to heal some big wounds.
I can only write about my experience of chronic fatigue syndrome, and my experiences will likely be different from those of others. I acknowledge, honor, and respect everyone with a chronic condition, no matter how their symptoms manifest.
The thing I struggle with the most is not comparing myself to others who aren’t constantly tired. I look at the volunteers in my community and how hard they work, and I am in awe and jealous all at once. Chronic fatigue syndrome has taught me to focus on my own experience of life more. To notice how it feels to live the life I have, even when I sometimes want it to be different.
I don’t have control over if I get better (believe me, I have tried), but I do have control over the choices I make each day. I can choose to notice that my head hurts and I am feeling nauseous. Both of those are my precious body’s way of saying, “hey, rest is what I need, not more doing.” Being respectful of myself means listening to my body, honoring any emotions I feel about needing to lie down, and giving myself permission to rest in a world that is so very busy.
I have struggled with this a lot and am much kinder to myself now. I still whine and moan sometimes because my emotional maturity level goes down the more tired I get. Despite this, I am proud of how much easier it is for me to make choices that are in my best interests. I am proud of myself for developing boundaries and finding the courage to speak up about them. I am proud of myself for developing a stronger sense of self worth despite having this condition. I would still like to get better at not comparing my energy to others and not judging myself, but I recognize I am getting better at this. I have such a wonderful life, I don’t want to miss out on it just because I am chronically tired. May we all be blessed with knowing when rest is best and with the ability to be so kind to ourselves.
I dedicate this post to my beautiful body for teaching me about when rest is best and to chronic fatigue syndrome for helping me polish my interior and exterior so I can shine brighter than ever before despite this condition. May we all be blessed to know how life is always here to help us, even when life isn’t how we want it to be. Big hugs!
Here I am, feeling fabulous after getting my hair done in December 2023
To be human.
What is it really?
Is it to be perfect, to have everything organized and controlled?
Or it is about acknowledging that life gets messy and choosing gratitude anyway?
Is it about having everything society tells me I should have?
Or is it about making the best with what I’ve got and dreaming big anyway?
Is it about doing what everyone else is doing and what they expect of me?
Or it is about following my intuition and my heart’s song regardless of how others choose to live their lives?
The older I get, the less I want to be any way other than exactly how I am.
Even when I don’t always like how I am.
I don’t always like having chronic fatigue syndrome and having to budget my energy and my time. I don’t like having to decline so many lovely invitations from people I care about.
I don’t always like how sensitive and anxious I am, especially when I get tired, which is often.
I don’t always like having to work because it uses so much of my energy and so little of my heart’s desires.
But I do like everything these aspects of my life have taught me.
To own who I am, from the inside out.
To know that I have tremendous worth even if I am super tired most days. My fatigue has taught me how to love and accept myself in ways I never dreamed possible. It inspired the idea of getting a Phd in Being Me, and made me want to share everything I’ve learned and continue to learn with others.
To know that I am worthy of love and nurturing when I am sensitive and anxious, instead of just wishing I was “stronger”. My sensitivity is my greatest gift and what allows me to write these posts and dream of becoming a motivational speaker and self-help author.
To know that I can let my heart sing at a job I only like, not love, because its song is so beautiful and it nurtures me. My job and its environment have inspired to live my life as authentically as possible, and to rest and care for myself when my environment tries to stifle my heart’s song.
I’ll take it and I’m choosing to make the best of my life. May we all be blessed with empowerment, inspiration, prosperity and abundance to live our best lives and inspire others as we do it, no matter how messy or imperfect our lives or we may be.
With so much love,
Bradlee
Here I am, writing this post, on a super tired day! To be human, it’s the good, the bad and everything in between!
Living with chronic fatigue syndrome is sometimes at odds with who I am. I am a big hearted person who loves to connect with others, share hugs, give compassion and acknowledgement and more hugs. Being chronically tired means that I can’t always do that because I don’t have enough physical, energetic or emotional energy to share. I think that is actually the hardest part of it all. The awesome gift in it all is that I have learned to be more discerning. I carefully consider where, when and how to connect with others, so it is really meaningful for me and them.
On Sunday, I got to be a backstage helper at the Kemptville Youth Musical Theatre Company’s production of Matilda. My teen is in the show and it is truly spectacular. I offered to help as a “den mother,” which meant that all I had to do was show up after the performance, help in the dressing rooms, and gently nudge the performers to tidy, put their costumes away and get out of there so everyone could get home to rest or celebrate. I was really tired on Sunday, but I could feel my heart overflowing with love for these youth and the fabulous people who volunteered so many hours to give the youth this incredible, life-building experience. I decided that I was going to go there, tired or not and be me, to the fullest extent of me. I drove to the store, bought healthy juice and granola bars, and then waited excitedly at the theatre for the show to end so I could surround the performers with love, compliments, food and drink.
The amazing Matilda cast!! Photo by Jennifer Boggett Photography
Honestly, seeing them all come backstage after greeting their adoring audience made me overflow and explode with love. I could literally feel myself lighting up that narrow corridor and filling it with love, safety and joy. The performers all had different reactions to my varying exclamations of, “I’m so proud of you, I’m Zara’s mom, I love you all and I brought you snacks and juice instead of being a strict den mother.” It made me feel so good and I could see it uplifting them too.
I am constantly amazed at what happens when I give myself permission to be me, regardless of what other adults around me are doing. I’m 43 and I felt more like my true self in that little hallway than I have in many other situations. I really think the magic ingredient was that I allowed myself to be me, in all of my ridiculous joy, innocence and happiness. It lifted me up for the remainder of the evening and really taught me something really important. I feel my best when I am my authentic self. I definitely got closer to getting a PhD in Being Me that afternoon. Yay for that!
I also want to acknowledge that I was my authentic self while I was showering everyone with lots of love and food, but I didn’t try to hide that I struggle with the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety sometimes. I still had some shy moments and I still had to sit on the floor for a bit to rest. I loved it. I was authentically all of me, no shame, no hiding, no trying to be someone else, I just actually brought all of me and I loved it. I learned to love and appreciate all aspects of me even more during that experience.
May you have many opportunities to witness your glory, no matter how much you may be struggling with certain areas of your life. The ability to shine is so incredible, even for the shortest moments, especially if you are also struggling with overwhelm, despair or turmoil like I do sometimes. No matter where you are at, I honor you. I celebrate you. May you know how special you are and how worthy you are of being seen, heard and witnessed. Every step, no matter how small, counts. And it counts for a lot. There is no rush at the school of PhD in Being Me. There is no curriculum, no set lesson plan. It’s just you, exploring life as you, and learning what makes you feel good, what makes you feel angry or unsafe and adjusting to give yourself more love and support.
I have been scared and intimidated by anger in the past. I have also been wanting to get to know my anger and to create more space for it within me.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome. Over the last several years, I have hated myself for it, resented, blamed and berated myself and my body for it. I have also lost myself in efforts to “get rid of it” so I could get back to my life without it. I have tried many ways to heal, those that honored me and my precious body and those that were just a means to an end.
This past week I thought to myself that I would just stop. Just stop trying to get better, to overcome this and just be me regardless of whether I like having chronic fatigue or not. It felt very nice, like I could finally relax and just be. Ironically then, yesterday I met two people who offered me suggestions of other options or paths I could take. At first it felt nice to have more hope but a few hours later I felt angry. I felt it traveling up the right side of my body, burning. I felt it and I knew.
This is my power. This anger is me saying enough, reminding me that I am the one with the power to make my own decisions, the only one who can choose to stop trying and just be. The one who can appreciate that there may be other avenues to explore but who needs a rest from exploring. As I type this, I feel incredibly empowered and accepting of myself. I don’t feel like I am giving up on myself. If anything, my anger has led me to a deeper sense of home, acceptance and belonging within me.
It’s 3:54am and I felt so moved by my anger that I needed to type this out. I had just woken up 25 minutes ago to use the washroom and I felt so full of thoughts that I decided to breathe and allow my breath to empty me out so I could go back to sleep. I felt dizzy with how overflowing I was with thoughts but then I remembered the beautiful anger I had felt while brushing my teeth before bed and I reclaimed my power again and starting typing. Now I feel like I am my own super hero with a calm mind and heart. I am here, loving and honoring myself and my need “to be” instead of “pursue”.
Will I ever try other ways to heal my chronic fatigue? Absolutely. When will I start that exploration? When the time feels right.
Thank you my beautiful mind, body and heart for all you do. And thank you anger for teaching me to honor my needs and boundaries and for guiding me to my inner peace and power. No matter where you are in your life and what you are dealing with, may you be blessed with so much inner power, strength, inspiration and peace.
At some point in my adolescence, I stopped thinking I was worth it. I believed that I was too sensitive, too much, too sick, too frequently injured, etc. So I just stopped caring about myself. I learned to ignore and push past my needs. I felt very lonely and sad and I really didn’t know what to do about it.
Here I am, many years later, and I am still me: sensitive, chronically fatigued, anxious, yet full of love, generosity, smiles and kindness. The difference is that I know myself now and I am unlearning all of the ways I used to relate to myself. I see that I’m not too much, I’m actually pretty awesome and I know you are too. It’s my hope that by sharing more about how I’ve been relating to myself lately that it will help you to feel better about yourself, no matter what your circumstances are.
I used to be embarrassed to have chronic fatigue syndrome. As I have written in past posts, I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and I just needed to figure it out so I could get better. Lately, I have embraced being honest with myself and others about my medical condition and the massive limitations that come with it. It has been feeling really good to share more about it. In fact, I’m noticing that the more I share about it, the more I can feel my self-worth building. It’s like I’m breaking the cycles of abuse from my earlier years every time I share about myself and ask for extra support.
I honestly feel that living with chronic fatigue has been what I’ve needed to unshackle myself and to learn that I am worthy of being listened to, cared for, supported and nurtured, both by myself and others. I have been feeling so supported lately and I really feel that it’s because I’ve given myself permission to have chronic fatigue syndrome and to be open about it. Isn’t that a funny concept? That by giving myself permission to actually be how I am has made my life easier and more enjoyable?
I see that I am making really healthy choices each day for my body, soul and heart, and it’s okay to be exactly where I am at, even if I don’t always like it. I figure that I will keep doing my best to take care of myself and if my chronic fatigue will be healed, awesome. If it won’t in the near future or far future, then that will be awesome too. I’m really at a point where loving and caring for myself is what matters most, instead of just trying to get over myself or my circumstances.
May this post lighten your load and inspire you about where you may be able to give yourself more permission in your life, including loving and accepting yourself. May you also know how special and wonderful you are, no matter what.
PhD in Being Me 