Well, sometimes my symptoms kick my ass. And today is one of those days. To be honest, the last few weeks have felt like this, I am just getting better at letting myself feel shitty instead of trying to overcome and fix everything I experience all the time.
I am practicing being with myself when my body is so uncomfortable or when I have racing, catastrophic thoughts, or both. It’s not super pleasant, but I am enjoying the new strength and resilience I feel at developing these skills. It sure beats trying to run away from or distract myself 🩷.
Lately, I’ve been writing about allowing myself to feel what’s going on within me and allowing the symptoms to be there. Today, I am getting great practice because I am so uncomfortable. All I can really do is acknowledge that this is my reality and be kind to myself.
I am using some of my tools to see which ones will help me hold space for this discomfort, but not hold it so tight that it can’t move through me and shift if that is what it is going to do. I am writing this as a way to acknowledge my experience and to soothe myself because writing almost always helps. But my eyes and head hurt and my cognitive capacity is pretty low, so I am going to keep it short ❤️.
I have been unwell for quite a while now, but through trauma informed therapy and nervous system rehabilitation, I am learning how to be here, in my body, with myself, while I am unwell. I am very grateful for that! I am feeling worse lately, and I almost wonder if that is in part because through allowing myself to be exactly as I am, then I am less in denial about the state of my health. And that allows me to better sense just how much chronic fatigue syndrome and healing from trauma are a huge part of my life (for now 🤞🏼💝).
One moment of witnessing my symptoms, one moment of speaking kindly to myself as I weep, and one moment of making a gentle, caring choice at a time.
May you be blessed with lots of care, a wonderful support system and lots of whatever you need today.
Befriending my emotions and welcoming them into my life is the more recent step I am taking in my healing journey. It’s taken me a lot of work, self-care, awareness, time and self-love to get here. I am so proud of how I’m building connections within myself.
When I reach toward uncomfortable feelings and emotions, I feel a bit scared. These are often super strong emotions that I have done my best, as a coping strategy, to keep separate and shoved down.
Creating art to hold my big feelings and the ones that were difficult to even admit to, let alone feel, has been a blessing for me. It’s been so critical for me in building the capacity to be a witness to myself, my feelings and experiences. Having my feelings contained on a piece of paper has also helped me increase my strength and resilience. Art has helped me build bridges within myself and helped me to start healing from how much I pushed myself to keep going and working even though I was so sick. It’s also helping me build trust and greater respect for myself and within myself.
And so, I am sharing my latest art piece and poem that are a part of my “allowing my feelings” journey. I sat with my feelings and told them they were allowed to stay and that I would love to understand them, but no pressure. I learned from primaltrust.org that I could visualize my feelings as art as I allow them, and this piece below is what I saw and felt. A maelstrom of hysteria, surrounded by my light, holding, witnessing and allowing it to whirl, spin and share its messages with me. I used a typewriter to type out the words I heard within the storm and I inadvertently typed them out in the shape of a tornado.
It’s been very healing to make this art, and to write this post about my feelings. My hope is that the strength of that inner storm will lessen as I hold space for it and start to understand its needs.
Thank you for reading my posts and for journeying with me as I work towards being the kindest and most compassionate expert in being me. Maybe one day I will get my PhD in Being Me 🥰🥰.
It’s hard to describe just how much I’ve blamed myself for being unwell with chronic fatigue syndrome. And for how many years, I didn’t even believe I was sick, just that I was tired, and if I could just do the right things, then I wouldn’t be so tired.
I’ve been on disability leave from my work for over a year and I’m still exhausted most days. And my leave was just extended for up to another year. It was only in the last few weeks that I realized, hmmm, I think it’s okay for me to say that I’m sick, not just that I’m so so tired.
The more I learn about trauma, the more the way I have treated myself makes sense. In a way, I’ve been gaslighting myself, not really understanding that I was doing it, or how harmful it really has been. Or that I was repeating patterns of how I’ve been treated as an innocent and unconscious way of keeping myself safe.
I’m navigating the dark depths of my life and what I’ve survived, and the more I navigate, the more I see, understand and relax. And the more I understand that I haven’t done anything wrong. I am sick. I am unwell. And that’s okay. It’s even okay if I never get better. But it’s also okay if I do. None of this is my fault, or is as a result of something I should have done better or differently. It just is.
This morning, I was so tired and I just felt myself laugh and know that I couldn’t keep blaming myself or working so hard to find the one thing or combination of things that will heal me. Instead, I embraced myself, how I feel, where I’m at and the exhaustion, took a bath, and am now going to do whatever most meets my needs throughout the day. And that will be enough. And it’s not wrong, in fact, it’s a gift. To have the time and space to learn how to take care of my deepest needs so that I can rest, rejuvenate and heal. And whether I get better or not, I know I’ll be okay, because I already am despite it all.
I can do this and I believe in myself. I will likely need to reread these words and relearn this lesson a few times, and that’s okay. I’m tired. I’m unwell. I need rest and healing. I am not doing anything wrong and I’m doing okay, just as I am. And I am okay.
May your heart guide you and may you see the good you are despite all you’ve already survived and endured.
Note to readers: this post includes descriptions of my inner pain, trauma and learning how to allow all of me to be here. Please read with care 💖.
This morning I had a vision in my mind’s eye. I saw a paper with my inner narrative written on it, the one I formed while growing up.
I saw me trying to write over it to create more of what I wanted.
I saw the original words getting bigger, darker and they were working to ensure they could be seen and read.
To help me further process this very impactful vision, I recreated it in the images above. It was a very powerful experience to actually feel into the words and feelings for each stage above. It allowed me to understand myself better and to have more compassion for myself.
I have used a lot of willpower in my life to overcome my inner narrative and pain. I have had to work so hard to keep this up and its been exhausting trying to overwrite and escape from something that is within me. This morning I was lying in bed and reflecting that maybe the time had come to coexist with all aspects of me and my inner world.
This realization is really in keeping with what I am learning in my nervous system rehabilitation program – to build capacity to be with my most difficult emotions and experiences. To witness them and allow them instead of trying to rewrite my story each day (which is so so exhausting).
The more I learn about myself, and the more I decompress from a life of stress, not feeling safe and being in protection mode, the more empathy I have for myself. My physical and mental health have been on the decline, and it all makes so much sense the more I learn and process. How could I be thriving when so much of my life force energy is going into keeping me safe and worrying for the safety of my loved ones? Learning about trauma and the nervous system has helped me understand how I can’t just keep trying to rewrite my life. It’s so much more than just trying harder, having a positive attitude or using willpower.
And so, I will take a deep breath. I will acknowledge that I have been trying to force my way into my ideal inner experience of life, without realizing that I have been fighting with myself to get there. I breathe again. And again. And I feel the pain, vulnerability and hurt that I have inadvertently been pushing away because that’s how trauma works to keep me safe. And I breathe again.
I open my palms, side by side, to hold all the words on the pages above. I breathe deeply to have the courage to let them all exist, and occupy space within me. And I breathe to allow myself to feel it all and learn from all of those feelings and experiences and move forward together.
One step at a time, I am working towards my PhD in Being Me. I wish you so much ease, clarity and insight in your own journey with becoming an expert in being yourself.
With love and care, Bradlee
An art piece from nearly a year ago, about finding myself.
Falling into life with open arms and a big yes in my heart
How beautiful is that image! Gosh, I love it! I painted that about a year ago, when I had been processing some big emotions and then I felt so free, like I could say yes to life. I felt like I was falling deeper into life with my arms wide open and the love was exploding out of me. It is such a beautiful and compelling visual for me.
I definitely don’t feel like that every day, not by any means. I sure would love to, as I remember times in my life where I felt safe to be me and how incrediby liberating it was. I’ve been through a lot and I’m learning more about the chronic stress response and the impacts of trauma, and my struggles make a lot more sense. It feels amazing to understand myself more, which is allowing me to relax more into being me with more compassion, kindness and patience.
I’m part of a program (primaltrust.org) that helps people with chronic illnesses learn about the chronic stress response and how they can take an active role in creating more safety in their body and nervous system. This past week, I am learning more about brain retraining and how with simple, micro-practices, over time, I should be able to build more safety, instead of mainly feeling, “I am not okay, this isn’t safe, etc.”
I got really excited about this practice where I get to focus on a “true self” proclamation. The idea is that I think of a time where I felt the most free, and imagine a world where I have always been supported, always allowed to be me, and completely free to be me, with no limits, boundaries or restrictions. And then describe what I feel like, in my truest self, in a few words. The idea is to reconnect with that essence and know that this part of me is what is leading me to greater healing and freedom.
Aparently by writing it out, speaking out those words, and saying them to myself in the mirror at least once a day can really help me have a stronger foundation for brain retraining. And it will probably help me feel more confident, even on days where I’m not feeling my best symptom wise.
I got excited learning about this mini-practice, and the painting above came to mind right away. I thought it would solidify this exercise for me to write about it on my blog.
I am kind
I am compassionate
I am powerful
I am free
I am full of light and love
I am strong
I feel happy thinking of these qualities that are within myself even when I am struggling with symptoms from my physical and mental health struggles. It makes me feel like I am supported from deep down, and that I am not alone in my life. If I had done this 15 years ago, I would not have been able to come up with this list by feeling into it. I was so closed off, so hurt inside and so lonely, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine my true self, or find words to describe it.
And so, if you’re there today, I send you a big hug. Primal Trust encourages people to think of a time when they felt most free or if they can’t find one to make it up for this micro-practice (apparently imagination and visualization are super helpful for brain retraining, I still have more to learn about it before I share anything more). Wherever you are in this moment is perfectly valid, and I say the same to myself! We all need to start somewhere, and our journey to healing is unique to each of us, but our humanity unites us and allows us to learn from each other’s experiences.
Thanks for reading, may we all get to know our true selves and feel supported by their qualities 🌸🌟🌸💖, Bradlee
Art that was inspired by the most exhausted parts of my being
It’s hard to explain just how exhausting it is to have chronic fatigue syndrome. It’s taken me years to really and truly understand that rest doesn’t cure this type of exhaustion. It is much deeper than a lack of rest. It is an exhaustion down to the cellular and soul levels.
Before I get much further in my writing, I’d like to acknowledge that this represents my experience and no one else’s. I know others who have chronic fatigue syndrome and there are some similarities between us, but important differences too. There are some people who don’t have even a tiny fraction of the limited energy that I do, which I can fathom from my worst days, weeks and months, but can’t truly understand 💖. I hope that my words find those who need to read them and that each person with chronic fatigue be surrounded and filled with so much help, support, compassion, healing and love from inside and out.
For me, chronic fatigue is like living at the speed that a turtle or snail needs to go at, not fast, but just slow and steady. Sloths are also super cute and make me feel better about the pace I need to do things at.
Another analogy for chronic fatigue is when a computer runs in energy saving mode, the screen is a bit darker, things move slower, all in an effort to conserve. And it stays in that mode, because the charger can only replenish the computer battery so much for some reason. That’s probably the closest comparison. Physical and cognitive tasks really drain my battery, and experiencing big emotions do too, so I’m often working to maintain some sliver of balance or to regain balance whenever I can.
There have been days/weeks/months where I needed to lie down so I could breathe deeply enough or so that I would have enough energy to digest my food. Some days I can run errands, and it takes a toll on me, but accomplishing something and getting to smile at people is so worth it. Other days, I avoid the grocery store where I have to pack my own bags because it’s too tiring for me to do it.
Some days, I can sit up for quite a few hours, but I need to find ways to recline, lean back, rest my head or lie flat. If I don’t, I start to feel weak, light headed, dizzy, anxious and overwhelmed. If I use my muscles too much, like with gardening, or household chores, then I feel weak and vulnerable for 2-3 days afterwards. I can do gentle exercise for 10 minutes or less, depending on the day, and I can dance! As long as it’s only one or two songs where I really have a kick ass party! Then I tone it down and just enjoy myself instead of full on dancing because it’s too tiring.
Sometimes the thought of cooking a meal for myself or my family is too tiring and I need to lie down and ask for help. That is definitely something I have struggled with, but I am slowly getting better at doing this! I am a (recovering) people pleaser, perfectionist and high achiever, so admitting where I am with my health has been hard for me. I continued to work way past the time it was healthy for me to do so, and that’s all been part of my journey towards being kind to myself, acknowledging my reality and learning how to meet my needs instead of force, belittle or coerce myself.
Today, I was walking with the dogs, which is so good for my overall health, but I had to cut it much shorter because I could feel the exhaustion in my muscles. The dogs weren’t happy about it, but I’m learning with each experience to trust myself to meet my needs and to stay within my capacity. I learned recently that overexerting myself actually slows any potential healing from chronic fatigue syndrome. How about that! I had been pushing myself way past my capacity for years.
Every once in a while, I have to stay in bed for a few hours, half the day or just make sure I lie down around the house for the majority of the day. Today is definitely an exhausted, take it easy kind of day, which I’m getting better at relaxing into. Oddly enough, I feel worse if I lie down the whole day. Doing a small chore, gentle dancing or lymphatic massage makes a big difference to the quality of my exhausted days and creates more flow inside of me.
I thought it might be helpful for me to write more about what it feels like for me to have chronic fatigue. I also thought it might help anyone who is wanting to learn more about it too. Writing about my experience of life gives it validity and importance, and that is really special for me. After so many years of being so hard on myself, it feels good to ease into who I am, all of me, regardless of where I am with my health. It reminds me that I am okay despite my health challenges and that I am very worthy regardless.
If you’re like me and you’ve been shamed for having a sensitive body and soul, then I send you big care and lots of hugs. It’s totally okay to be sensitive and to have lived through some really tough things. I am learning how to care for myself instead of continuing that shame. May you be super supported by friends, family (chosen or blood), health care professionals, mental health professionals and anyone else who can shine a light on your awesomeness and help you in the ways that you need. And most importantly, may you learn what your needs are and may you feel empowered to take big or small or baby steps to start meeting them. That is how we’ll truly earn our own PhDs in Being Me, each of us learning more and more about who we are, what we need and learning to do that for our sweetie selves.
I send you lots of care and smiles. Thanks for reading and may you be well 💖🌟❤️,
Bradlee
Some caring art I made for the vulnerable parts within me when I needed some reassurance and love
Well, here I am. I really feel like writing, and celebrating the desire to write.
I went for a cold, sunny sky walk with the dogs and I was filled with so much love and possibilities. I was given an opportunity to see the extent of the possibilities of my life in spite of my physical and mental health challenges.
I’ve been learning how to ride the waves of my emotions instead of being pulled into every feeling I have. I was flooded with fear just when I was passing a wide field with a horse and two cows and a tall tree full of singing birds. There was no immediate danger that I could see, in fact it was a beautiul scene, but I was terrified. For the first time, I felt that fear coursing through my body and was able to see the beauty around me. The horse was peeking around the wall of his shelter and was staring right at me. I held his eyes and then looked at the cute cows, and knew that I could be okay despite the intense feelings in my body.
Slowly but surely, and I mean slowly (!), I am learning how to build up my capacity to feel my feelings, and to be stressed and to know that I am okay despite it all. I’m also learning how to ride the waves of extreme fatigue that I have with chronic fatigue syndrome and to know that I’ll live through it. Being exhausted for years has really stressed out every aspect of my beingness. I am so grateful for my therapists, health care professionals and for the Primal Trust program, which is all about healing from the chronic stress response.
I’m focusing on celebrating my wins, crying when I need to, knowing that I can create trust within myself as I learn to tend to my nervous system and body in new ways. It’s taken a lot of tough living for me to get here, and I’m so loved, supported and cared for, so my hope for my future is justified.
I’m getting my PhD in Being Me each day that I listen to my body and mind and tune into my needs. I used to think that if I could do everything perfectly, everything would be fine. Now I see that it’s more about being who I am, exactly as I am, meeting myself where I’m at, learning, being patient, asking for help and loving myself.
I hope that you are inspired by what you need each day to get your very own Phd in Being You, because no one else is you and you are very worthy of caring for yourself and being supported.
Honestly, have you ever seen a more relaxed dog? Archie is such a sweet cutie pie. I love this photo of him. It’s not the best photo of Robbin and I, but it sure showcases how relaxed, happy and at ease he is.
Archie teaches me and reminds me to take the pressure off myself. I sometimes forgot to be compassionate to myself while I’m on this journey of living with chronic fatigue syndrome. He is so relaxed, playful and goofy and he helps me get out of the worries for my future just by being his cute self.
He doesn’t care if I have chronic fatigue syndrome or not. He just wants to be pet, walked, played with and fed delicious food. And so, I thought I’d take the pressure off myself and think about what I want out of daily life. Maybe that will help me see that chronic fatigue isn’t actually preventing me from having a full life, but more that it’s my beliefs about it that are.
And so, here it is, what I want out of life:
Rest for my tired body
Quality time with my husband and son
A walk with the dogs
Chances to connect with friends and family
Mental stimulation from a good book, learning, a puzzle or other games, or a great show/movie
Opportunities throughout the day to create safety for my nervous system
Preparing and eating delicious food
Doing a chore or two for our wonderful home and belongings
That actually is pretty simple, isn’t it? I get all of that, every day. Isn’t that miraculous? Sometimes it really is just my perception of life with chronic fatigue that colors my experience. I’ll do my best to remember that! In fairness to me though, it is difficult to enjoy doing some of these things when I have so little energy or when my other symptoms are super strong. So some days, even though I get to do the things that make me happiest, it is just hard with how tired I feel. Okay, good, I’m glad I’m taking a balanced approach with this realization or else I’d just be putting more pressure on myself to enjoy every day, even on days where making a meal is too tiring.
And so, wherever you are, and whatever life is bringing you in terms of joys and challenges, may you be well, and may it be easy for you to reflect on what is good in your life and give yourself a hug for whatever is hard. A bit of both is a recipe for compassion, kindness and grace.
No matter what your life experience has been or is today, it all counts. And it all matters. You matter.
Even if you wish things could have been different or if you’ve just figured out something that has been impacting your whole life, you matter and it all counts as valid life experience. Your life is precious. Your story matters. Your experience matters, especially if others have told you that you don’t matter or that you just needed to get over yourself.
I love connecting with people and hearing their stories. I love listening, asking questions, holding space and sharing. We all have such different experiences and perspectives and there is something magical when two people can sit and be witnesses for each other’s lives. One of the hardest parts of having chronic fatigue syndrome is not having the energy to do this as often as I would like. Instead, it’s been teaching me to do the same for myself. To hold space for me, and to be a witness for what is ready to be shared.
As I’ve been doing this, I’ve been seeing just how valid my life is, regardless of how unwell I’ve been. All of my life experience counts, none of it is less important or valid because I’ve been struggling. I wanted to write to share this message in case you needed it too 💖.
I am turning 46 next week and I have spent most of my life trying to be what others have told me I should be or what I felt I needed to be to be safe and to survive. This morning, I was feeling sad about my relationship with my dog and how it’s been rather tumultous because of my past. I love her dearly so I was hugging her and thanking her for sticking with me and being such a dedicated teacher. She’s been helping me reach some of the most hurt parts of myself.
Anyway, I was petting her and loving her and I realized that all of our experiences together count. It all counts, even if it’s been messy. I’ve been trying so hard to overcome my patterning and trauma and she’s been right there with me, encouraging me and being patient with me as she kept pushing me to get there. One day, I really think I’ll write a mini-book about my relationship with precious Maggie, but for now, I wanted to share how she inspired me to see that I haven’t lost anything. I don’t have to make up for lost time or try to catch up. Our relationship has been exactly what it’s needed to be and she is okay with that. She has held space for me to grieve, rage, grow, heal and do it all over again for the last 10 years. It all counts. She came into my life for a reason and it all counts.
And so, I take a deep breath and let it out. And again. I smile. I hug myself. And I know that there is peace in the messy and in my unraveling. No matter how you are doing, please know that you count, your life matters, all of it counts and all of you counts.
Peace be with you 🌟♥️🌟♥️, Bradlee
This is me and part of Maggie from yesterday, she is a precious cutie pie.
A heart I drew from the book, The Art of Drawing Dangles, by Olivia A. Kneibler
Moving towards the uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, emotions, pains and everything else inside of me is bold. It’s amazing. It’s the opposite of what I had done for so so many years, and it’s the opposite of what we’re encouraged to do in North America.
For years now, I’ve learned various different approaches to my physical and mental health, and over time, it’s become easier to want to befriend all the parts of my inner world, including the uncomfortable ones.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome, so I’m either tired or exhausted each day, and I feel soreness in my muscles, inflammation in my joints and brain, as well as other symptoms. I am also easily triggered into strong stress and trauma responses, which adds to my exhaustion. So, some of my daily life is uncomfortable. As a high achiever and recovering (hopefully!) perfectionist, leaning in to this discomfort is not something that has come easily. I have put so much effort into trying to be perfect, to keep up the appearance that everything is okay, that I am okay. Ya, so leaning in to those aspects of myself and my health that I had judged as flawed has not been easy.
Through the guidance of my therapists, trauma healing work, art, nervous system regulating practices, and self-compassion, I have been building up safety and trust within me. I was not a trust worthy person to myself before, because I had such a strong inner critic who would berate the “weaker” parts of me (explaining my inner critic’s role and how we’re getting to be friends is a whole other post or 10).
Creating that trust has been the work of over a year and it’s been beautiful to witness within me. That trust has allowed me to become a reliable confidante and friend to myself, to know that I can count on myself, to be able to recognize when it’s time to reach out for support, and to know that I am developing the skills to be kind to myself and to understand why it’s been difficult to do that before. It is such a blessing.
And so, today, when I’m tired, my muscles and head hurt, and I can feel inflammation, worry and stress building up, I can lean towards those feelings. I can say, “hey, I feel you, and I am with you. You are not alone and it’s okay to feel this way. What kind of support do you need today?” That is a big change from me berating myself, shoving down how I feel and just trying to keep going. It’s a new muscle that I’m building, “the kindness, compassion and leaning in muscle” so sometimes I revert back to my old ways to trying to protect myself through controlling how I am doing because those muscles are much stronger from years of use.
For example, yesterday, I noticed that I was trying to manage and control how I felt so that I could feel better. I was innocently doing all kinds of meditations and deep breathing tools to try not to feel crappy, and then I realized what I was doing. I was trying to push away and hurry away how I was feeling. I took a few deep breaths, gave myself permission to be uncomfortable and to move forward with more kindness, ease and allowing myself to be just as I was. It really made for a more gentle experience and nurtured that trust I am developing within myself. I can’t always change how I feel or how my health is, but I can influence how I experience each day.
And so, today and every day, may we all be blessed with the safety, support, resources, and tools to be kind to ourselves, to lean in to what is causing discomfort with curiousity, compassion and kindness, and to smile at ourselves and each other as we do what we can with our circumstances.
PhD in Being Me 