PhD in Being Me

Tag: chronic fatigue

  • I didn’t think boundaries could be loving

    A stone terrace, with a short, moss covered rock wall along the edge of the terrace.

    Like many sensitive people, I have been exploring the concept of boundaries.  What does that word even mean, what do boundaries look like, when do I need them, is it okay to have them, when should I strengthen them, etc?

    I had this very innocent belief that if I had boundaries, then people would feel like I didn’t love them.  I thought that having no boundaries was the way to prevent anyone from thinking I was rejecting them.  I have been learning that these beliefs are part of my trauma narrative and were created as a way of helping me.

    I also recently realized that not having boundaries was a way I could keep myself safe.  Without boundaries, I could instantly tell if someone’s mood was changing and then I could jump in to try to manage the situation to (hopefully) stay safe. 

    By not having boundaries, I was able to energetically hold onto the people around me, so I could match their moods or be who they needed me to be so I wouldn’t get hurt. 

    It’s truly incredible to learn about how much of this was totally unconscious and was using up a lot of mental and energetic energy to maintain.  These are all very innoncent strategies that I developed to get the love and care I needed and to keep myself safe. 

    I am learning to really respect the parts of me that developed these strategies.  I’m 46, so I grew up at a time when feelings weren’t really talked about, they were more suppressed.  So having the opportunity through therapy and nervous system rehabilitation work to learn more about these strategies, why they were formed and what I can do differently is such a gift. 

    I realized how much progress I had made when I told my dog that she couldn’t come lie on the bed with me, even though I knew she really wanted to, and I didn’t feel guilty.  In fact, I realized how much I loved her and myself, and that having boundaries meant I could love her and respect myself more.  It was such a liberating but simple moment. 

    I’m looking forward to experimenting more with boundaries and building up my internal strength and resilience. I am very grateful for the trauma-informed therapy I am doing.  It makes me feel much safer to learn about myself and my history.  I am learning to be so compassionate to myself for how much I have survived and I am building an extensive library of tools to help me moving forward. 

    I am starting to be able to tell the difference between when I feel safe and grounded and when I am relating to my life from my trauma narrative.  I had no idea that there were two perspectives within me, I just knew that sometimes I felt powerful and capable, and other times I felt so small, victim-like and deeply sad. 

    It seems like the more I get to know that deeply safe, confident, powerful and strong part of me, then the easier it will be to have boundaries.  And the more I understand and recognize the very hurt parts of me and take care of them, then they’ll trust me to take the lead more. 

    I just love learning this stuff, it makes me feel so great.  There are so many people like me and there are so many tools and approaches I can take, including making sure I enjoy life and have fun, despite doing deep healing work and being chronically exhausted. 

    Maybe I can have it all, despite feeling limited?  That sounds really nice.  I can have boundaries and still be the loving and caring person I am.  Maybe I can be tired and still happy.  Maybe I can grieve the loss of my energy but be excited for all the opportunities I am gaining through this exhausted time in my life?  Ya, I like all of that.

    Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best in getting to know what your needs are and how you can best meet them.

    Take care, Bradlee 🩷🩷🌈🌈🌟🌟

  • What it feels like (for me) to have chronic fatigue syndrome

    Mixed media art, with a pencil and marker drawing of a sleeping woman, surrounded by colorful fabric in soothing colors, wooden birds, puffy pink hearts.
    Art that was inspired by the most exhausted parts of my being

    It’s hard to explain just how exhausting it is to have chronic fatigue syndrome.  It’s taken me years to really and truly understand that rest doesn’t cure this type of exhaustion.  It is much deeper than a lack of rest.  It is an exhaustion down to the cellular and soul levels. 

    Before I get much further in my writing, I’d like to acknowledge that this represents my experience and no one else’s. I know others who have chronic fatigue syndrome and there are some similarities between us, but important differences too.  There are some people who don’t have even a tiny fraction of the limited energy that I do, which I can fathom from my worst days, weeks and months, but can’t truly understand 💖.  I hope that my words find those who need to read them and that each person with chronic fatigue be surrounded and filled with so much help, support, compassion, healing and love from inside and out.

    For me, chronic fatigue is like living at the speed that a turtle or snail needs to go at, not fast, but just slow and steady.  Sloths are also super cute and make me feel better about the pace I need to do things at. 

    Another analogy for chronic fatigue is when a computer runs in energy saving mode, the screen is a bit darker, things move slower, all in an effort to conserve. And it stays in that mode, because the charger can only replenish the computer battery so much for some reason. That’s probably the closest comparison. Physical and cognitive tasks really drain my battery, and experiencing big emotions do too, so I’m often working to maintain some sliver of balance or to regain balance whenever I can. 

    There have been days/weeks/months where I needed to lie down so I could breathe deeply enough or so that I would have enough energy to digest my food.  Some days I can run errands, and it takes a toll on me, but accomplishing something and getting to smile at people is so worth it.  Other days, I avoid the grocery store where I have to pack my own bags because it’s too tiring for me to do it.  

    Some days, I can sit up for quite a few hours, but I need to find ways to recline, lean back, rest my head or lie flat.  If I don’t, I start to feel weak, light headed, dizzy, anxious and overwhelmed.  If I use my muscles too much, like with gardening, or household chores, then I feel weak and vulnerable for 2-3 days afterwards.  I can do gentle exercise for 10 minutes or less, depending on the day, and I can dance!  As long as it’s only one or two songs where I really have a kick ass party!  Then I tone it down and just enjoy myself instead of full on dancing because it’s too tiring.

    Sometimes the thought of cooking a meal for myself or my family is too tiring and I need to lie down and ask for help.  That is definitely something I have struggled with, but I am slowly getting better at doing this!  I am a (recovering) people pleaser, perfectionist and high achiever, so admitting where I am with my health has been hard for me.  I continued to work way past the time it was healthy for me to do so, and that’s all been part of my journey towards being kind to myself, acknowledging my reality and learning how to meet my needs instead of force, belittle or coerce myself. 

    Today, I was walking with the dogs, which is so good for my overall health, but I had to cut it much shorter because I could feel the exhaustion in my muscles.  The dogs weren’t happy about it, but I’m learning with each experience to trust myself to meet my needs and to stay within my capacity.  I learned recently that overexerting myself actually slows any potential healing from chronic fatigue syndrome.  How about that!  I had been pushing myself way past my capacity for years. 

    Every once in a while, I have to stay in bed for a few hours, half the day or just make sure I lie down around the house for the majority of the day.  Today is definitely an exhausted, take it easy kind of day, which I’m getting better at relaxing into.  Oddly enough, I feel worse if I lie down the whole day.  Doing a small chore, gentle dancing or lymphatic massage makes a big difference to the quality of my exhausted days and creates more flow inside of me.

    I thought it might be helpful for me to write more about what it feels like for me to have chronic fatigue.  I also thought it might help anyone who is wanting to learn more about it too.  Writing about my experience of life gives it validity and importance, and that is really special for me.  After so many years of being so hard on myself, it feels good to ease into who I am, all of me, regardless of where I am with my health.  It reminds me that I am okay despite my health challenges and that I am very worthy regardless.

    If you’re like me and you’ve been shamed for having a sensitive body and soul, then I send you big care and lots of hugs.  It’s totally okay to be sensitive and to have lived through some really tough things.  I am learning how to care for myself instead of continuing that shame.  May you be super supported by friends, family (chosen or blood), health care professionals, mental health professionals and anyone else who can shine a light on your awesomeness and help you in the ways that you need.  And most importantly, may you learn what your needs are and may you feel empowered to take big or small or baby steps to start meeting them.  That is how we’ll truly earn our own PhDs in Being Me, each of us learning more and more about who we are, what we need and learning to do that for our sweetie selves.

    I send you lots of care and smiles.  Thanks for reading and may you be well 💖🌟❤️,

    Bradlee

    Some caring art I made for the vulnerable parts within me when I needed some reassurance and love

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Taking the pressure off

    Me, my husband Robbin and Archie the dog

    Honestly, have you ever seen a more relaxed dog?  Archie is such a sweet cutie pie.  I love this photo of him.  It’s not the best photo of Robbin and I, but it sure showcases how relaxed, happy and at ease he is.

    Archie teaches me and reminds me to take the pressure off myself.  I sometimes forgot to be compassionate to myself while I’m on this journey of living with chronic fatigue syndrome.  He is so relaxed, playful and goofy and he helps me get out of the worries for my future just by being his cute self. 

    He doesn’t care if I have chronic fatigue syndrome or not.  He just wants to be pet, walked, played with and fed delicious food.  And so, I thought I’d take the pressure off myself and think about what I want out of daily life.  Maybe that will help me see that chronic fatigue isn’t actually preventing me from having a full life, but more that it’s my beliefs about it that are.

    And so, here it is, what I want out of life:

    • Rest for my tired body
    • Quality time with my husband and son
    • A walk with the dogs
    • Chances to connect with friends and family
    • Mental stimulation from a good book, learning, a puzzle or other games, or a great show/movie
    • Opportunities throughout the day to create safety for my nervous system
    • Preparing and eating delicious food
    • Doing a chore or two for our wonderful home and belongings

    That actually is pretty simple, isn’t it?  I get all of that, every day.  Isn’t that miraculous?  Sometimes it really is just my perception of life with chronic fatigue that colors my experience.  I’ll do my best to remember that!  In fairness to me though, it is difficult to enjoy doing some of these things when I have so little energy or when my other symptoms are super strong.  So some days, even though I get to do the things that make me happiest, it is just hard with how tired I feel.  Okay, good, I’m glad I’m taking a balanced approach with this realization or else I’d just be putting more pressure on myself to enjoy every day, even on days where making a meal is too tiring.

    And so, wherever you are, and whatever life is bringing you in terms of joys and challenges, may you be well, and may it be easy for you to reflect on what is good in your life and give yourself a hug for whatever is hard.  A bit of both is a recipe for compassion, kindness and grace.

    All my best!  Bradlee 🌟💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Delicate

    A bird sitting on a branch during a snowstorm

    Feeling like I am on thin ice

    Unsure which move I can safely make

    Will the decision I make leave me drained, emotionally and physically

    Or will it fill up my heart’s cup enough to offset the fatigue that will surely come?

    This delicate balancing act of trying to conserve my limited energy while still making sure I feel good with the life I am living despite my disability

    Is tiring

    It’s delicate

    It’s wearing me down

    Now that I have stopped and given myself permission to be exactly where I am, the true depth, delicacy and precariousness of my health is more evident

    I keep going because to stop would be worse.  Completing chores, walking, doing mild exercises, running errands, talking to friends, family and neighbors, crafting, reading.  Those are all things I use my energy for.  It makes me so sad that sometimes just going for a walk is too much, or that spending time with friends makes me feel so good, but then I feel so much worse the next day.

    Like I said, it’s delicate. 

    I have been learning that there is true power in being vulnerable and owning my life from the inside out, even if I’d rather not have chronic fatigue syndrome.  And so I write and I share and I hope that my words help you feel seen and validated.

    No matter what you are balancing, and how delicate it is, you are worthy of being seen, acknowledged, appreciated and respected, exactly as you are.  With every breath we take, may we anchor blessings for a more inclusive, accepting and respectful world.

    With hugs, Bradlee 

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • The potato turning point

    Potatoes of all shapes and sizes

    I have a beautiful life.  I have the best family, a safe and cozy home, wonderful friends, and many other incredible blessings.

    At the same time, I am exhausted. I am also mentally exhausted from having chronic fatigue syndrome for several years and from trying to make it all work with such limited energy.

    I have done so much to help myself.  I am always open to healing, lessons, and anything that may help me, like therapy, meditation, breath work, time in nature, art therapy, diets, learning about trauma, etc.  But sometimes, life is like, “How about you cry over potatoes as your next greatest lesson and turning point?”

    This past weekend, there were no cooked potatoes left in the fridge.  I am eating on the Whole30 to help keep inflammation down in my body, and I eat potatoes with most meals.  It was breakfast, I was tired and feeling stressed and there were no potatoes. I felt so sad and so deeply alone.  On the face of it, this makes no sense, but it is the truth.  I was so tired, there were no potatoes, and as a result, I felt so sad and lonely. 

    I was peeling potatoes and cutting them and my lovely husband came in the kitchen and I started crying.  I told him how I was feeling, how tired I was and he helped me cook them.  Being so tired that cooking seems like an impossible task makes me feel sad, but that day, it was my reality.  I am quite strong (and a bit scared to appear weak), so sometimes I just keep going instead of asking for help.  The potatoes were my turning point.  They forced me to share my feelings, be vulnerable, and ask for help.

    A week later, I feel better.  My kid is now in charge of potato cooking, and my husband is going to pick up some groceries on his way hone from work when needed.  It was never really about potatoes, but that humble root vegetable helped me feel more seen and validated as I shared my feelings.

    May the little opportunities to make life better and to create connection over isolation and loneliness be abundant in your life.

    With care and hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • What If?

    A cold, snowy, winter scene.

    What if?

    I asked myself that question this morning.  What if it’s okay to struggle?  What if it’s okay to have chronic fatigue syndrome that can be deeply debilitating?  What if it’s okay that I have been having a hard time these last several years?

    After all, what am I other than a human being, living this specific life?

    This life that is so full of beauty, amazing people, a safe and cozy home in the country, and so much more goodness? A life that has also made me cry from pure exhaustion so many times and has left me feeling completely broken?

    I am feeling open to the possibility this morning that this is exactly what life is.  What if it’s always meant to be exactly like this, despite all my efforts (some not always so kind to myself) to make things “better?” and to rise above it?

    What if there is nothing to rise above?  What if all this time, by trying to manage things and make things better, I have actually been missing what life truly is? Have I been missing the point?  To live my life? Just as I am, and just as it is?  Hmmm.

    I have been learning more about trauma and how I have worked so hard to keep myself and my family safe.  This is helping me be kinder to myself and to understand how and why being vulnerable and human has been difficult for me. 

    This morning, I am questioning more deeply and am wondering…what if this is it? What if the beauty and the pain, all mixed together, is exactly how life is supposed to be? 

    And I can be here for it, with my tools, supports, laughter, tears, smiles, dogs, friends, family, long walks on good days, and lying down on my really tired days, and finding and making time for enjoyment through it all.

    What if that is possible?  What if that has been the point all along?  To break down the false sense and need for perfection only to embrace life and myself, exactly as we are.  Hmmm, yes, that feels right.

    Wherever you are, however you feel, may you be filled with clarity and insights into your deepest what if questions. 

    Thanks for reading, may you be well, and may you be blessed with so much peace, whether life feels balanced and healthy or shitty and unfair.

    Hugs, Bradlee ♥️

    Ps here are 4 photos of me using fun filters to make you smile.

    A headshot of Bradlee in 4 overlapping polaroids
    Bradlee with a leopard hair band, sunglasses and artificially smooth skin
    Bradlee with a fake mustache, detective hat and trench coat
    Bradlee with a beard and fake spiky hair.

  • Inspiration

    Northern Lights in the sky
    The Northern Lights in my backyard

    I find it important lately to find inspiration from all possible sources.  I have been worn down by circumstances in my life, and I have felt how dysregulated my nervous system is and how truly exhausted I have been in all aspects of my being.

    I have taken several months off work to take better care of myself and my family as we navigate these challenges, and it feels amazing.  I am noticing just how tired, anxious and overstimulated I am, and I am paying attention.  It is a true gift to have this time to feel, notice and take care of myself and our family.

    I have been off work for a month, and I am really noticing what a boost I get from inspiring events and things.  For example, I went to my gorgeous niece’s beautiful wedding and it was so heart warming and incredible.  Getting an opportunity to celebrate two people in love made me feel amazing.  It really shows on my face in all of our photos (I am the one with the long hair).

    Photo of me dressed up and smiling
    Photo of me and my husband dressed up and smiling

    Getting to witness the Northern Lights in my own backyard also filled me with awe and wonder at our magnificent planet and cosmos.  Yes, I am one tired, stressed out lady, but the Lights were dancing regardless, and they made me feel wonderful.

    Northern Lights in the sky
    Northern Lights in the sky

    Sometimes, as the sun rises or sets, it just hits the top of the trees, and makes the dew on them sparkle. I love it when that happens!  The other morning, the sun rose and highlighted the spectacular colors of the leaves, while leaving the ground in darkness.

    Trees with yellow and orange leaves in the morning sun

    Life is tough sometimes, and I don’t always like how I feel.  If you are like me and you are grateful for so much, but also so very tired or any other feeling state, I send you a big hug.  May lots of beautiful inspiration come your way and uplift you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Done

    Early morning quiet at my place

    Sometimes I am done.

    I have nothing more to give, no more capacity to think things through, or to deal with differing opinions constructively or compassionately.

    When I am in this place, I rest.

    When cookies are finished baking, there is no point in keeping them in the oven because they’ll just burn. With people, it’s the same, and I have learned that the hard way.

    When I start waking up super early with a racing mind, a restless body, and an overall unsettled feeling, it is my beingness telling me, “hey, the timer’s beeping, take me out of the oven.”

    Today, I am honoring myself by recognizing this state of being by getting out of bed early, drawing a bath, writing about my experience and planning not to try to force my way through my day.

    Note: as I wrote the last sentence above a few days ago, I knew right away that my plan wasn’t enough. I got into the bath and cried a bit and knew that I needed a day off of work. Even though I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I still sometimes find it hard to take a day off. Starting this post gave me the time and space within myself to actually reflect on my needs and to give myself permission to meet them.

    I really like the analogy I started above about not baking cookies longer than they need or else they’ll burn. I definitely don’t want to burn myself out again, like I did in 2016.

    May we all be blessed with the space, means and support we need to notice how we are doing, and to take the steps we need to care for and nurture ourselves when we are done. I believe it is okay to set the timer so the cookies come out of the oven before they burn, may we all be empowered and supported to do the same for ourselves.

    Big hugs 💕

    Cookies on a baking sheet
    Cookies I happily made the other day. I watched them carefully while they were in the oven.
    May we all do the same for ourselves so we can heed our warning signals that it’s time to rest and ‘get out of the oven’ of busyness and stress

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Cultivating strength through weakness and hardship

    Image of Bradlee flexing her right arm and smiling.
    Image of me flexing my muscles in celebration of finding strength within me

    Sneak peek: loving video at the end of this post!

    Since I started getting progressively more tired with chronic fatigue syndrome, I thought I was getting weaker.  It can be easy to associate any condition or change in abilities with weakness.  I felt the same about how anxious I was getting over the years.  It turns out I was wrong.  Learning to cope with challenges and unexpected realities creates strength and resilience, not weakness.

    For a long time, I hid how tired I was, and I didn’t talk about how hard it was, even with my doctor and naturopath. I felt this absurd need to downplay my symptoms. Through many hardships in my personal and professional, I learned just how much shame I was experiencing. I think I needed to soak in that shame so I could find my self-worth and rise up despite my diagnosis. I feel like I could write a book about this subject and I really hope to in the future. There is something so magical about struggling and suffering yet finding one’s way through. It is so beautiful and inspiring, and I hope to uplift and support others by sharing deeply about my struggles to embrace, accept, know, and love myself.

    I had so many loving and supportive people who validated me, even when I didn’t think I was good enough. My family first helped me see that I am physically and emotionally strong even though I am always tired.  They supported me through the shame and unworthiness I felt about it. My beautiful friend Jana helped me with that, too, when I easily moved a heavy umbrella stand. And Georgette coached me through the fears I had about taking big steps to reclaim my power. K taught me that there are cycles in life and that it’s okay not to give 100% all the time. I remember how incredibly powerful their help and support was. I am so grateful to all my friends, family, and colleagues who loved and appreciated me for me, regardless of how tired or anxious I was (or am).  I hadn’t recognized how small, not good enough and incapable I felt just because I am chronically exhausted.

    With every supportive and encouraging word from family, friends, colleagues and that I learned to give to myself, I started reclaiming my worth and my physical and emotional strength.  Learning to honor myself and my precious body has been life changing for me, too.  Developing my self-worth has helped me make healthier and more confident decisions in my life, including recognizing and enforcing boundaries, eating ways that give me more energy and other healthy habits.  Tremendous good has come out of having chronic fatigue syndrome.  Through perceiving myself as weak, I have found true strength, what a beautiful gift.  My strength still wavers at times, but now that I have found it, I won’t lose it again.

    Even though we face challenges in life, whether they are imposed on us by society or not, whether they are temporary or permanent, physical, mental, emotional, or financial, or the result of longstanding systemic racism and oppression, we are still strong.  Challenges of any kind don’t make us weak.  If anything, they make us more resilient. 

    May we all rise up and reclaim our inner power and strength and dissolve all barriers so we may have true equity, unity, harmony and acceptance within our hearts, bodies, minds, societies, cultures and countries. May we all be blessed to have loving and supportive people to share our lives with too!

    In closing, I am sharing a video with a special message and some deep breaths from my heart to yours ❤️.

    A short video to anchor the message of finding strength, self-love and self-worth especially through challenges

    Note: I have not suffered the effects of systemic racism and oppression as a white, cisgender woman of Lebanese and Italian ancestry.  I wanted to include reference to those who deal with that on a daily basis to honor their strength and resilience. And to highlight my commitment as an ally who is learning and applying what I learn each day. May those oppressive and racist systems be completely transformed and resolved for the well-being of all humanity.

  • To Be Human

    A photo of the blogger with straight black and white hair, wearing a black shirt.
    Here I am, feeling fabulous after getting my hair done in December 2023

    To be human.

    What is it really?

    Is it to be perfect, to have everything organized and controlled?

    Or it is about acknowledging that life gets messy and choosing gratitude anyway?

    Is it about having everything society tells me I should have?

    Or is it about making the best with what I’ve got and dreaming big anyway?

    Is it about doing what everyone else is doing and what they expect of me?

    Or it is about following my intuition and my heart’s song regardless of how others choose to live their lives?

    The older I get, the less I want to be any way other than exactly how I am.

    Even when I don’t always like how I am.

    I don’t always like having chronic fatigue syndrome and having to budget my energy and my time. I don’t like having to decline so many lovely invitations from people I care about.

    I don’t always like how sensitive and anxious I am, especially when I get tired, which is often.

    I don’t always like having to work because it uses so much of my energy and so little of my heart’s desires.

    But I do like everything these aspects of my life have taught me.

    To own who I am, from the inside out.

    To know that I have tremendous worth even if I am super tired most days. My fatigue has taught me how to love and accept myself in ways I never dreamed possible. It inspired the idea of getting a Phd in Being Me, and made me want to share everything I’ve learned and continue to learn with others.

    To know that I am worthy of love and nurturing when I am sensitive and anxious, instead of just wishing I was “stronger”. My sensitivity is my greatest gift and what allows me to write these posts and dream of becoming a motivational speaker and self-help author.

    To know that I can let my heart sing at a job I only like, not love, because its song is so beautiful and it nurtures me. My job and its environment have inspired to live my life as authentically as possible, and to rest and care for myself when my environment tries to stifle my heart’s song.

    To be human.

    A lovely, caring, intelligent, dedicated, compassionate, empathic, tired, anxious, sensitive, easily stressed human.

    I’ll take it and I’m choosing to make the best of my life. May we all be blessed with empowerment, inspiration, prosperity and abundance to live our best lives and inspire others as we do it, no matter how messy or imperfect our lives or we may be.

    With so much love,

    Bradlee

    A photo of the blogger. She has dark and white hair, with a turquoise shirt.
    Here I am, writing this post, on a super tired day! To be human, it’s the good, the bad and everything in between!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved