PhD in Being Me

Tag: chronic fatigue

  • How a total lunar eclipse helped me

    Photo by Alex Andrews on Pexels.com

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety, but I also have a huge heart, a cute innocence about the way I interact with the world, a love of swearing, a tall, strong body and an awakening consciousness that sometimes truly humbles and astounds me.

    That was a long sentence, but it was needed to show the greater totality of me. I am not just one aspect of my beingness, I am it all. And no one part is any greater or less worthy than other, and that is what the total lunar eclipse I witnessed the other day reminded me of.

    My husband Robbin told us that we could witness the eclipse between 3 and 6am. I thought it would be awesome to observe but sleep is very critical to my days so I didn’t plan to wake up. At 4:30am though, I felt this call from deep within me to awaken. It was really different than how I usually wake up in the early morning hours, it really was a calling. When I woke up enough, I realized it was the eclipse calling to me.

    I hurried out of bed and went out onto the back deck, and there it was. A gorgeous full moon that was so bright but with a significant portion of it covered in darkness. I felt so alive and grateful, I stayed out there getting colder and feeling the beauty and power in what I was so blessed to witness.

    I climbed back into bed and opened the curtains so I could watch the transition to a full eclipse while lying down. It was an incredible and awe-inspiring experience. I got to watch our backyard and the moon transform from fully illuminated to being covered in darkness, just like in the image at the top of this post.

    I ran outside again as there was only the tiniest sliver of light showing on the edge of the moon. I drank in the magic and mystery of this beautiful eclipse and it fed me deep in my soul and bones. I couldn’t seem to get enough. As I returned to bed and continued to watch, I saw the parallel between the total lunar eclipse and my life.

    It seemed like the time leading up to the total eclipse went by very quickly, but when the moon was completely dark, it stayed that way for so long. While totally dark, the moon was deep orange/brown, which showed me that the light reflecting off the moon was still there, and was likely visible in other parts of the world (I am no astronomer 😁).

    Seeing how long the moon was covered in darkness made me think of my chronic fatigue. I mentioned in earlier posts how I used to think I was doing something wrong by being so drained and tired. The eclipse showed me how even a miraculous process to witness has a process and stages, just like me.

    The phase of total darkness was no less incredible than gazing at a bright full moon in the sky. It was equally worthy of my awe and attention, if not more worthy because it only happens rarely as opposed to the near daily experience I have of seeing the moon in the sky.

    The total lunar eclipse reminded me that there is beauty, worth and value in our most dark stages, and that darkness is not synonymous with bad. In fact, I have learned so much about self-love, self-care and compassion for myself and others through this time period in my life. Thank you total lunar eclipse and chronic fatigue. Thank you for your gifts. With every breath I take, may I be open to receiving them and less in a hurry to move past this important and worthy phase of my life.

    No matter where you are in life with your physical, emotional, energetic, financial, or spiritual health, may you be blessed with an abundance of love, peace, inspiration, clarity and heavily light to guide you.

    With love, Bradlee 💕💕💕

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Notes to myself at 4am

    A cute little clock I drew on our chalkboard

    Do you ever wake up in the early morning hours and feel like you need to spend time with yourself? That happens to me every now and then. I usually don’t mind it because I feel like it’s the universe giving me a little nudge to discover what my heart, mind and body want to share. I have a couple of ways that I spend that time, including:

    1. lying in bed to hang out with myself and breathe
    2. reading a book
    3. taking a bath
    4. asking myself some questions and waiting to hear if there are any answers
    5. writing in a journal
    6. listening to audio from my favorite spiritual teacher Matt Kahn

    This weekend, I did numbers 1, 4, 5, and 6 and it was perfect for me. I really do feel it is a quiet time for me to get to know what’s bothering me or what I want to focus more on. It’s almost like I can be more honest and vulnerable with myself during that time when most others are asleep.

    The older I get, the more I realize that we are all different and different things work for each of us. It is my humblest wish that by sharing what works for me inspires you to discover what works best for you.

    In honour of that wish, I’m sharing one of my “4am notes to myself.” In this note, I’m reflecting on my time off work and how I’m doing. Whether this note resonates with you or not, may it help you connect more deeply with your little voice inside that just needs to be heard, not changed, but just heard.

    “Here I am, nearly 2 weeks after my last note, and I still feel tired out.  I guess I expected this time off work to be more restorative and fun.  Instead I am learning new and unexpected things:

    1. I don’t always have all the energy I’d like for myself, my family and home stuff, even without working and trips to my dad’s
    2. I am super sensitive to stress and it affects my digestion, mood, muscles, etc. 
    3. I have forgotten how to enjoy the present moment sometimes
    4. I really like making blog posts
    5. I love organizing even when I am tired
    6. I have more energy for cooking when I am off
    7. I have more time to spend outside and get refreshed even though I have little energy, I still use it wisely.
    8. I can take a lot of baths
    9. I have more energy for grocery shopping instead of just online shopping
    10. I am good at family and home organizing and I get more pleasure out of it when I am off
    11. I am great at finding books and shows that are interesting and make me feel good.

    I am proud of myself. I have been challenged in several ways during this time off and I am doing a great job meeting my needs and finding my way despite being tired and feeling less heart centered and like I have less love for others and even myself.  Its about damn time I acknowledge myself this positively when I feel this tired.”

    No matter how great or how shitty you feel, I acknowledge you. You matter and you are special. May you be blessed with much inner quiet so you can connect more deeply to yourself and know your needs. Big hugs!

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • How a drag show gave me the boost I needed

    Photo by SLAYTINA on Pexels.com

    On Saturday, I had the absolute pleasure to attend a drag show in Kemptville that was put on by North Grenville Pride. I almost didn’t go…I was so tired last week and I was feeling much more anxious than usual. I had pretty much already decided not to go, but then a whisper within me that suggested otherwise. I’ll explain.

    On that morning, I set an intention to make the decisions that were in my highest and best good. I totally expected that to mean resting, reading and taking it slow and keeping it simple. I went for a walk with Maggie, our doggie, and that is when I heard it: the perspective that it could be helpful for me to have a new experience, one with dancing, performing, good music and lots of people.

    Before I had chronic fatigue, that would have been an opportunity I was excited for, but since being so tired, I have to choose how to spend my time very wisely. Crowds, lots of stimulation, and loud music are all things I stay away from now because they drain my energy big time. I was intrigued by the new perspective that came to me that morning. I decided to be open to the possibility that it could actually help me instead of drain/harm me.

    I planned with my teenager to only spend a few hours there instead of staying to the end, and our friend got there earlier and saved us seats. I was very pleased that I was doing what I needed to go the show and honour myself and my needs.

    The poster for the excellent show I attended!

    I have never been to a drag show before, but I will definitely go again. I loved their outfits, make-up, performances and awesome dance moves. I was so uplifted, energized and inspired during their numbers. I was tired from smiling and cheering so much, it was super awesome. Their performances brought to a part of me to life that is dormant most of the time, and I am incredibly grateful for that. I’ve been dancing around the house so much more and feeling more like all of myself, not just the tired version of myself.

    My greatest wish out of this experience is to embody more of my awesome self, no matter how tired I am. Now that I’ve reconnected with more of my passion and enthusiasm, I’m not in a hurry to say goodbye to it! If you’re struggling with any chronic physical or mental health condition, I send you a big hug. It isn’t easy to live with a chronic condition, but it is easy to forgot how whole we are when we feel bad a lot of the time.

    May we all be blessed to discover what bring us joy and a sense of passion and purpose no matter where we find it. May we all be open to the opportunities and experiences that are in our highest and best good. Thank you NG Pride for such a fabulous event and thank you to the Not a Phase – Leeds and Grenville group for coordinating ticket purchases!

    Big hugs!

    Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Second chance

    Second chance

    Today, I realized that life is often given a second chance to thrive. This lavender plant looked dead when we transplanted it from my dad’s house 3 hours away to our yard. After a month, it is starting to come back to life. In the fall, we will trim it all back and see what happens next spring, maybe it will bloom everywhere once more.

    I have been struggling with/working on improving my mental and physical health for the last several years and I often look to nature to help me cope. There are times when I feel like I may never have energy again (I have chronic fatigue syndrome). There are days when I feel like the happiest person ever, and others where I feel like I’m too tired to be anything but anxious. On the tough days, I find nature reminds me that everything is as it should be. I get so inspired seeing a plant that has nearly died come back to life. Here’s another example.

    This is a little maple sapling that we planted 3 years ago. Other saplings have grown tall and thrived but this one has just stayed small. Earlier this spring, we thought it may be dead, but new life is forming from the roots and the tree is growing anew. That is how I like to think of myself, growing anew after a particularly rough few years.

    In many ways, I have felt like a caterpillar in a chrysalis that is undergoing a massive metamorphosis before emerging as a butterfly. I think these two plants are beautiful and simple metaphors for how I feel too. I have been in a massive inner storm of growth, change, awakening and letting go and my old facade is dying and I’m waiting for my new exterior to emerge, just like the little lavender and maple. When I think of it like that, I can be more kind, patient and loving with myself. I see nature and people getting a second chance, and it reassures me that I am getting mine too.

    May you be well and may you be inspired to see your journey reflected in the cycles of life in nature. Big hugs!

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.