Sometimes I feel like I’m missing myself and I seem to have lost me. This week, I watched a comedy special from Michelle Buteau and I was reading her fabulous book, Survival of the Thickest. I had a lot going on and those were both making me laugh and feel lighter. And then I felt this hole inside of me, this missing, and lack of connection.
It was me, calling to me, asking me to nourish and fill myself up with me. That missing feeling was guiding me to spend time with myself in ways that could address that lack. I’m doing that this morning and it feels much better.
There are so so many ways to spend one’s time, and it’s easy to miss the call from within about our own needs and what will help meet them. Especially when living a busy life with work, family, kids/pets/volunteering, etc.
During this time of healing, I am learning the importance of attuning to my mind, body and soul to notice my needs. I am learning that doing that helps regulate the nervous system and can help heal from emotional trauma through being the person that meets your needs.
It’s amazing how some things that meet my needs one day but not the next. I think that’s a way to help me tune in more deeply, instead of rotely going through the motions of taking care of myself. I am learning how to connect with myself and settle more into my body so that I can better feel into my needs. This is getting easier over time and seems like daunting and overwhelming and more like a healthy and nourishing habit. I used to TRY so hard to do everything right and now I’m learning to focus on tuning in and listening instead of rushing, fixing, pressuring and trying. One day at a time 💖.
And so, for the rest of the day, I’m going to pay attention to myself, rest, and allow myself to be exactly as I am, with some support from me. I wish you all the best with what your days bring you! And may kindness and compassion towards yourself be part of your days too!
I have been fighting for a long time. I’ve tried writing about my internal fight on this blog for over a year, but it hasn’t been the right time. Likely that’s because I am still learning about that fight, what it means, and how I can turn towards it with care and compassion instead of responding from fear.
My internal fighting feels very loud, confusing and scary. Am I fighting myself? The world? My past? Certain people? All people? My circumstances? My body and mind? Perhaps all of it?
This fighting has also caused a big divide within me, because I don’t want to think of myself as combative. I prefer to focus on the parts of me that I like, such as the funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding parts. But those fighting parts have been necessary. They don’t make me any less funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding. In fact, the internal battle has probably helped me further develop those more loving attributes because I’ve known what it’s like to have to fight to stay safe.
I’m writing this to help myself understand and so it may be a bumpy read, but that’s okay. It’s a bumpy life, isn’t it?
In the brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am learning from, they teach a lot about creating safety and trust by learning to be with your tough symptoms, feelings, sensations. They offer so many teachings that I’ve been slowly absorbing over the last several months, and over time, I’m feeling safer to take in those teachings and apply them to my life. As I apply them, it’s getting easier to know myself, especially aspects that have been too scary to know earlier.
And so this morning, I was feeling exhausted, nervous and unsure, so I sat with one of their practices about allowing what one is feeling to be here. Gosh, it was so nice. I am starting to understand how much I was responding to what I was feeling in my body with a fight or flight response. And this morning, I allowed those sensations, I allowed the fight and lack of safety to be there, and I witnessed it all. It was about a few minutes, and then I flipped to one of their teachings about the nervous system that I had been avoiding and it really helped me be so much more accepting of where I’m at. And that gives me more hope for my day to day life.
Side note: If you’re curious about the program or have any questions, feel free to write a comment or you can message me directly through my contact page. I learned about the program from the functional medicine specialist who is helping me with chronic fatigue syndrome.
End note: I am learning to respect that internal fight and maybe through allowing and witnessing my internal battle, I will cultivate more peace, safety and ease in my mind, body, heart and soul. Yes, that feels nice. May it be so, for me, for you and for the world.
Last week, I was trying a new somatic practice, and it was helping me. I became aware of myself thinking, “maybe this is it! Maybe this is the thing that will finally help me get better.”
I have thought that thousands of times over the past several years of figuring out how to live with chronic fatigue syndrome. To be honest with myself, I haven’t just been trying to live with it, I’ve been trying to get over it, over and over again.
That awareness the other day helped me realize that deep inside me I am still caught in the trap of trying to get over myself and hurry up and get better. I’ve made lots of progress in being kinder and more compassionate to myself instead of always taking a deficit and fix myself mindset, but I guess there is always room for improvement!
I started reflecting on all I’ve done for myself over the years and I settled into a new knowing: I am what I’ve been looking for. It’s my dedication to myself, my willingness to grow and explore my inner world, to ask for support and to follow my intuition about what is working and what isn’t and what speed to journey at.
Maybe it doesn’t matter that I’ve been unwell for so many years. Maybe it just matters that through it all, I’ve been here, willing to keep experimenting to show myself that I am worth it. That I am allowed to be exactly as I am and that I can also keep learning to help myself in new ways that will cumulatively surround and fill me with care, love, compassion and healing, regardless of any outcomes. It’s me. It’s not the tools. It’s me. I am the one. I am it.
Hmmmm, that feels good. I value and treasure myself and my life and I am living in ways that show myself that. So if the latest practice helps me feel a bit better and less exhausted, awesome. If it doesn’t, or I need something else, I will adjust and pay attention to my needs. Yes, that is nice. I like it. No blame, no shame, no hurrying, just settling in to being me, exactly as I am, in this moment and tuning in to see what I need.
I wish you all the best in attuning to your needs too! May you see and acknowledge the good you do for yourself and may you be inspired about what unmet needs you may have and how you can go about meeting them (that’s my plan for today 🥰🥰).
Well, sometimes my symptoms kick my ass. And today is one of those days. To be honest, the last few weeks have felt like this, I am just getting better at letting myself feel shitty instead of trying to overcome and fix everything I experience all the time.
I am practicing being with myself when my body is so uncomfortable or when I have racing, catastrophic thoughts, or both. It’s not super pleasant, but I am enjoying the new strength and resilience I feel at developing these skills. It sure beats trying to run away from or distract myself 🩷.
Lately, I’ve been writing about allowing myself to feel what’s going on within me and allowing the symptoms to be there. Today, I am getting great practice because I am so uncomfortable. All I can really do is acknowledge that this is my reality and be kind to myself.
I am using some of my tools to see which ones will help me hold space for this discomfort, but not hold it so tight that it can’t move through me and shift if that is what it is going to do. I am writing this as a way to acknowledge my experience and to soothe myself because writing almost always helps. But my eyes and head hurt and my cognitive capacity is pretty low, so I am going to keep it short ❤️.
I have been unwell for quite a while now, but through trauma informed therapy and nervous system rehabilitation, I am learning how to be here, in my body, with myself, while I am unwell. I am very grateful for that! I am feeling worse lately, and I almost wonder if that is in part because through allowing myself to be exactly as I am, then I am less in denial about the state of my health. And that allows me to better sense just how much chronic fatigue syndrome and healing from trauma are a huge part of my life (for now 🤞🏼💝).
One moment of witnessing my symptoms, one moment of speaking kindly to myself as I weep, and one moment of making a gentle, caring choice at a time.
May you be blessed with lots of care, a wonderful support system and lots of whatever you need today.
A heart I drew from the book, The Art of Drawing Dangles, by Olivia A. Kneibler
Moving towards the uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, emotions, pains and everything else inside of me is bold. It’s amazing. It’s the opposite of what I had done for so so many years, and it’s the opposite of what we’re encouraged to do in North America.
For years now, I’ve learned various different approaches to my physical and mental health, and over time, it’s become easier to want to befriend all the parts of my inner world, including the uncomfortable ones.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome, so I’m either tired or exhausted each day, and I feel soreness in my muscles, inflammation in my joints and brain, as well as other symptoms. I am also easily triggered into strong stress and trauma responses, which adds to my exhaustion. So, some of my daily life is uncomfortable. As a high achiever and recovering (hopefully!) perfectionist, leaning in to this discomfort is not something that has come easily. I have put so much effort into trying to be perfect, to keep up the appearance that everything is okay, that I am okay. Ya, so leaning in to those aspects of myself and my health that I had judged as flawed has not been easy.
Through the guidance of my therapists, trauma healing work, art, nervous system regulating practices, and self-compassion, I have been building up safety and trust within me. I was not a trust worthy person to myself before, because I had such a strong inner critic who would berate the “weaker” parts of me (explaining my inner critic’s role and how we’re getting to be friends is a whole other post or 10).
Creating that trust has been the work of over a year and it’s been beautiful to witness within me. That trust has allowed me to become a reliable confidante and friend to myself, to know that I can count on myself, to be able to recognize when it’s time to reach out for support, and to know that I am developing the skills to be kind to myself and to understand why it’s been difficult to do that before. It is such a blessing.
And so, today, when I’m tired, my muscles and head hurt, and I can feel inflammation, worry and stress building up, I can lean towards those feelings. I can say, “hey, I feel you, and I am with you. You are not alone and it’s okay to feel this way. What kind of support do you need today?” That is a big change from me berating myself, shoving down how I feel and just trying to keep going. It’s a new muscle that I’m building, “the kindness, compassion and leaning in muscle” so sometimes I revert back to my old ways to trying to protect myself through controlling how I am doing because those muscles are much stronger from years of use.
For example, yesterday, I noticed that I was trying to manage and control how I felt so that I could feel better. I was innocently doing all kinds of meditations and deep breathing tools to try not to feel crappy, and then I realized what I was doing. I was trying to push away and hurry away how I was feeling. I took a few deep breaths, gave myself permission to be uncomfortable and to move forward with more kindness, ease and allowing myself to be just as I was. It really made for a more gentle experience and nurtured that trust I am developing within myself. I can’t always change how I feel or how my health is, but I can influence how I experience each day.
And so, today and every day, may we all be blessed with the safety, support, resources, and tools to be kind to ourselves, to lean in to what is causing discomfort with curiousity, compassion and kindness, and to smile at ourselves and each other as we do what we can with our circumstances.
It’s the last day of 2025 for me, and I can’t help but think, “wow, this is the last time I’m going to eat lunch in 2025,” and “this is my last day in 2025, I’d love to make sure I enjoy the little moments.” Transitioning to a new year feels like a big deal to me, especially this year.
At the start of 2025, I participated in an art workshop for women, and I created a piece that was about giving myself permission to put myself first and to take care of my health.
My 2025 art piece
As I look back on 2025, I see how much I’ve been doing that. I’ve been learning so much and I am so proud of the changes I’ve made, the work I’ve done and the person I am becoming. I hung this canvas right by my bed and it is really refreshing to look at it when I wake up, go to bed and when I’m resting during the day.
I called 2025, “The Year of Self-Care,” with the words, “no more self-sacrifice, giving myself permission to heal, restore and be,” as a guide. I have been off work for over a year now to take care of my health and I’ve been taking steps to get to know myself more, to acknowledge, hold and heal my pain and to learn strategies for making healthier choices as I navigate life with chronic fatigue syndrome.
I don’t have life figured out any more than any one else, but I do know that I need rest. I’ve been learning how to give myself more quality rest and tools to help bring greater safety to my nervous system. Both of those are major accomplishments for me, woohoo!
I was inspired to reflect on 2025 and to get ready for 2026 by Self-Love Rainbow. In their December 29th newsletter, they recommended finding a word of the year. I love the content from Self-Love Rainbow because it’s always so full of compassion, care, respect, inspiration and cuteness. These are the prompts from their newsletter (in quotation marks) that I’m going to complete for myself below too:
“Choose Your Word of the Year: Choose a word-of-the-year to guide how you want to feel or show up this year. Not a goal. Not a personality overhaul. Just a concept you want to bring into your life.”
– My word of the year is rest.
“One Word for 2025: In the middle of a piece of paper, write down one word that describes this year. Then branch off from that and describe the things that made it feel that way. Honest answers only. Hard words are allowed.”
– Hard work! I know it’s supposed to be one word, but that is the main theme of this year. I applied for disability, advocated for myself, went to many appointments, tried so hard to fix myself, and then through therapy, started to slowly decompress and relax into being as I am. I am still slowing down from all the years where I kept going with chronic fatigue syndrome, even after a year off work. I think that speaks volumes to how much pressure I was putting on myself and how hard I was working to keep going. Both of those made it harder to feel into how I was actually doing physically and emotionally because I was so panicked about not applying for disability.
So ya, hard work really describes this year, so does slowing down, exploring permission for myself, developing more compassion for myself, learning to hug myself on the inside, learning to speak about my hurt and bring it to life through art therapy, learning to notice when I was making decisions that weren’t in my best interests and learning why I was doing that, etc. I’ve really loved 2025, as hard as it’s been. I feel reborn even though I’m unwell and exhausted. It’s like my spirit is feeling renewed and seen, and that’s really refreshing. May that continue!
“One Word for Your Needs Right Now: If your body or heart could speak in one word, what would it ask for?”
-Rest!
“One Word for Who You Are: Not who you should be. But the person you are when no one else is asking something from you.”
-Relaxed. Quiet. Reflecting. Peaceful. Sad. Lonely. Healing. Learning. Evolving. Shedding. I couldn’t just think of one word, because I often feel different, depending on what is going on.
My word for 2026 is rest, and as a part of that, I’d like to focus on being exactly as I am, not better, not healed, not like I was when I was younger, but me, all of me, exactly as I am each day, even if it’s uncomfortable to be me. I’d like to not fight myself in 2026, but turn towards myself with open arms and a willingness to learn, hold space for myself and love myself. I don’t need to excel at this, but gently aim for it, give myself grace and compassion on the hard days and know that’s okay even if I resist my life or fight myself sometimes.
May your 2026 be full of peace, grace, ease, happiness and joy. And if you need inspiration to reflect on 2026, I totally recommend checking out Self-Love Rainbow’s site and workbooks (no pressure!). I’ve learned a lot about myself from their helpful and sweet tools!
A winter piece of art that I made to help me connect to the stillness and silence in a winter forest
I am here, and I am with myself 💕. I feel so soothed whenever I say to myself, “I am here and I am with you.” Sometimes, I even cry, like a part of me has just really needed to hear that, and it allows any stuck emotions or stress to release and flow.
I am participating in a program that helps people with chronic illnesses. It teaches about the chronic stress response and how that affects the nervous system, which can impact the body’s ability to heal. It is full of science, which is right up my alley, along with tools to help self-regulate the nervous system.
This program, Primal Trust, is another tool in my journey of helping myself. I have been living with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time now, and I am sometimes so tired of being tired. Primal Trust has live and recorded classes and it is so heart warming to see people from all over the world. The course material, teachers, and other participants help me feel validated, seen and understood, and is furthering my ability to do that for myself too.
I am learning about how to connect to my sense and feelings of inner okayness, which feels good. I used to feel much better, and I have missed connecting to myself in that way. Today, I did one of the tools to help retrain my stress response, and I was able to make it my own so that it felt authentic. It made my body and heart feel more alive and like I was more present for myself. Gosh, that was nice.
I was here, sitting, breathing, connecting and being here, with myself and for myself. It helped me more fully recognize how far I am from the healthy version of myself. The practices I have been learning over the past year in therapy are slowly helping me understand the different parts of me and thst each is valid and worthy of compassion.
I am learning about pacing myself and taking a more gentle, slow and steady approach to life and my healing. Apparently there is scientific evidence to support the pacing approach to healing chronic fatigue syndrome. I am so used to pushing and pressuring myself, so this continues to be a challenge for me, but its a worthy one ❤️❤️.
And so, I am here and I am with myself. Regardless of any tools and practices I learn, I hope I remember that I am enough, that giving myself the gift of my presence, care, touch, love and compassion are the most important. And, living my life and enjoying it instead of only focusing on getting better.
Here I am, writing, reflecting, smiling and sharing. Thanks for reading, may you be well and may you relax more into your sweetie self today.
It’s been several months since I have written on my blog. I’ve been having a tough time and have needed (and continue to need) deep quiet time.
Just this week, I remembered how nourishing it is for me to read my own words. I was feeling the nudge to write again, which I haven’t felt for some time.
Writing gives me a chance to spend time with myself, open up wellsprings of thoughts and feelings, and feel myself healing as I let the words flow from and through me.
I sometimes start writing with a topic in mind and other times, I can feel some pressure or tension that is seeking liberation, and writing often soothes those feelings.
Over the last 10 years, I’ve been learning about loving myself and being compassionate with myself. It’s been incredibly rewarding to make changes in my life towards greater self-love and self-compassion. Recently though, I discovered how hard I was still being on myself and how judgemental I was being.
I have struggled with my physical and mental health for most of my life. I would describe myself as being at rock bottom this year. And yet, it’s taken being here, at the bottom, to truly see how deep-rooted my self-judgement has been.
I have been doing a lot of work in therapy, including art therapy, and its really teaching me how to become an even safer space for myself. To acknowledge what I have survived, what I learned as a result, and to have compassion for the scars and the pain I have.
Late last week, I started feeling like a failure because I haven’t “cured” myself of my debilitating chronic fatigue syndrome. I’ve had this thought over and over for years. Through what I learned in art therapy, I finally saw how judgemental that was of me and I chose to give myself more compassion instead. It’s been a nice change.
I know there is a long road ahead for me that requires patience, compassion, rest, love and time. I am finally starting to feel worthy of giving myself all of that and knowing that my life matters even through this time of rock bottom.
And so I write. I create art. I breathe. I cry. I rest. I hear the whispers of my heart and the forest as they guide me. I complete my disability paperwork and feel all the tough feelings. I laugh. I garden. I sit. I mourn. I decompose and wait to see what grows.
Well, it’s nearly the end of 2024, and I have deep thoughts to share as the year comes to a close.
I grew up at a time where success in life looked a certain way, and I recently realized how much I was holding myself to those societal expectations.
As a person with a disability, I have been blaming and shaming myself for not being able to get over my chronic fatigue syndrome and for not being able to heal it no matter how hard I have tried.
It’s only after resting a lot these past few months that I can truly feel the depth of the fatigue I have with this condition. It’s as much a part of my whole being as any other part of me. I honestly thought I was less of a person because of this condition, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I have written posts in the past about how chronic fatigue has taught me to be more accepting and compassionate with myself. And that is completely true, but I have reached a new depth of acceptance these last few weeks.
I feel like I can stop fighting now. I can stop trying to be perfect, I can stop pretending that I can keep going while my health fails, and I can just stop, breathe, and be me, exactly as I am.
It is a relief to stop fighting and I am hoping that I will continue to relax into this new state of being. I can only imagine how healing that will be for me ❤️.
During my reflections, I have realized that every life has value, no matter how the person living it experiences it. Each way that we are different from each other is important and valid.
No more trying to fit humanity into tiny boxes, but instead, learning from each other and honouring the uniqueness of our individual experiences
That is the new way that my heart is seeing the true measure of success in life. Am I able to honour where I am at, with kindness and compassion? And can I treat all people that way? Wow, that would be a powerful way to live.
And so, as we transition to 2025, I honour you, dearest reader. Thank you for taking the time out of your precious life to read my reflections on getting a PhD in Being Me.
Lastly, I created the piece of art above to remind myself that I am special, loved, and adored. May you fill up with the message, too, and may you know just how precious and lovely you are, no matter the circumstances of your life.
The other day, I was having a conversation at work, and I said some very wise words that helped me to know that empathy is my superpower.
We were talking about some people who seem superhuman because they can work 16 hour days for long periods of time. My colleague seemed like they were judging themselves for not being able to do that, and I said something like,
You have superhuman powers at work even if you don’t work 16 hour days. You bring empathy, compassion, and understanding to your employees, and that is a superpower.
I could tell it helped my colleague for me to recognize their awesomeness and it sure helped me. It is easy for me to judge myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome and for not having bountiful amounts of energy. It isn’t always easy to remember the wonderful ways that I contribute to the lives of those around me thanks to my empathy, compassion and understanding. I was grateful for a chance to be reminded of that.
Living with empathy and leading with kindness and compassion are true bad ass ways of living. It is much easier to judge others, push them away or to “other” them. I know that because over the last 20 years I have been unlearning those habits and have been opening up to the wellspring of light, love, care and compassion that were always within me, just waiting to be discovered.
If you are reading this, I am smiling at you! I am encouraging you and cheering you on! What might your superpower be? Are you up for taking a moment to acknowledge the good you do just by being exactly as you are?
If you don’t know what your superpower is yet, may you have a joyful time discovering it. May you get a PhD in Being You each and every day as you get to know yourself better.
PhD in Being Me 