Well, sometimes my symptoms kick my ass. And today is one of those days. To be honest, the last few weeks have felt like this, I am just getting better at letting myself feel shitty instead of trying to overcome and fix everything I experience all the time.
I am practicing being with myself when my body is so uncomfortable or when I have racing, catastrophic thoughts, or both. It’s not super pleasant, but I am enjoying the new strength and resilience I feel at developing these skills. It sure beats trying to run away from or distract myself 🩷.
Lately, I’ve been writing about allowing myself to feel what’s going on within me and allowing the symptoms to be there. Today, I am getting great practice because I am so uncomfortable. All I can really do is acknowledge that this is my reality and be kind to myself.
I am using some of my tools to see which ones will help me hold space for this discomfort, but not hold it so tight that it can’t move through me and shift if that is what it is going to do. I am writing this as a way to acknowledge my experience and to soothe myself because writing almost always helps. But my eyes and head hurt and my cognitive capacity is pretty low, so I am going to keep it short ❤️.
I have been unwell for quite a while now, but through trauma informed therapy and nervous system rehabilitation, I am learning how to be here, in my body, with myself, while I am unwell. I am very grateful for that! I am feeling worse lately, and I almost wonder if that is in part because through allowing myself to be exactly as I am, then I am less in denial about the state of my health. And that allows me to better sense just how much chronic fatigue syndrome and healing from trauma are a huge part of my life (for now 🤞🏼💝).
One moment of witnessing my symptoms, one moment of speaking kindly to myself as I weep, and one moment of making a gentle, caring choice at a time.
May you be blessed with lots of care, a wonderful support system and lots of whatever you need today.
A heart I drew from the book, The Art of Drawing Dangles, by Olivia A. Kneibler
Moving towards the uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, emotions, pains and everything else inside of me is bold. It’s amazing. It’s the opposite of what I had done for so so many years, and it’s the opposite of what we’re encouraged to do in North America.
For years now, I’ve learned various different approaches to my physical and mental health, and over time, it’s become easier to want to befriend all the parts of my inner world, including the uncomfortable ones.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome, so I’m either tired or exhausted each day, and I feel soreness in my muscles, inflammation in my joints and brain, as well as other symptoms. I am also easily triggered into strong stress and trauma responses, which adds to my exhaustion. So, some of my daily life is uncomfortable. As a high achiever and recovering (hopefully!) perfectionist, leaning in to this discomfort is not something that has come easily. I have put so much effort into trying to be perfect, to keep up the appearance that everything is okay, that I am okay. Ya, so leaning in to those aspects of myself and my health that I had judged as flawed has not been easy.
Through the guidance of my therapists, trauma healing work, art, nervous system regulating practices, and self-compassion, I have been building up safety and trust within me. I was not a trust worthy person to myself before, because I had such a strong inner critic who would berate the “weaker” parts of me (explaining my inner critic’s role and how we’re getting to be friends is a whole other post or 10).
Creating that trust has been the work of over a year and it’s been beautiful to witness within me. That trust has allowed me to become a reliable confidante and friend to myself, to know that I can count on myself, to be able to recognize when it’s time to reach out for support, and to know that I am developing the skills to be kind to myself and to understand why it’s been difficult to do that before. It is such a blessing.
And so, today, when I’m tired, my muscles and head hurt, and I can feel inflammation, worry and stress building up, I can lean towards those feelings. I can say, “hey, I feel you, and I am with you. You are not alone and it’s okay to feel this way. What kind of support do you need today?” That is a big change from me berating myself, shoving down how I feel and just trying to keep going. It’s a new muscle that I’m building, “the kindness, compassion and leaning in muscle” so sometimes I revert back to my old ways to trying to protect myself through controlling how I am doing because those muscles are much stronger from years of use.
For example, yesterday, I noticed that I was trying to manage and control how I felt so that I could feel better. I was innocently doing all kinds of meditations and deep breathing tools to try not to feel crappy, and then I realized what I was doing. I was trying to push away and hurry away how I was feeling. I took a few deep breaths, gave myself permission to be uncomfortable and to move forward with more kindness, ease and allowing myself to be just as I was. It really made for a more gentle experience and nurtured that trust I am developing within myself. I can’t always change how I feel or how my health is, but I can influence how I experience each day.
And so, today and every day, may we all be blessed with the safety, support, resources, and tools to be kind to ourselves, to lean in to what is causing discomfort with curiousity, compassion and kindness, and to smile at ourselves and each other as we do what we can with our circumstances.
It’s the last day of 2025 for me, and I can’t help but think, “wow, this is the last time I’m going to eat lunch in 2025,” and “this is my last day in 2025, I’d love to make sure I enjoy the little moments.” Transitioning to a new year feels like a big deal to me, especially this year.
At the start of 2025, I participated in an art workshop for women, and I created a piece that was about giving myself permission to put myself first and to take care of my health.
My 2025 art piece
As I look back on 2025, I see how much I’ve been doing that. I’ve been learning so much and I am so proud of the changes I’ve made, the work I’ve done and the person I am becoming. I hung this canvas right by my bed and it is really refreshing to look at it when I wake up, go to bed and when I’m resting during the day.
I called 2025, “The Year of Self-Care,” with the words, “no more self-sacrifice, giving myself permission to heal, restore and be,” as a guide. I have been off work for over a year now to take care of my health and I’ve been taking steps to get to know myself more, to acknowledge, hold and heal my pain and to learn strategies for making healthier choices as I navigate life with chronic fatigue syndrome.
I don’t have life figured out any more than any one else, but I do know that I need rest. I’ve been learning how to give myself more quality rest and tools to help bring greater safety to my nervous system. Both of those are major accomplishments for me, woohoo!
I was inspired to reflect on 2025 and to get ready for 2026 by Self-Love Rainbow. In their December 29th newsletter, they recommended finding a word of the year. I love the content from Self-Love Rainbow because it’s always so full of compassion, care, respect, inspiration and cuteness. These are the prompts from their newsletter (in quotation marks) that I’m going to complete for myself below too:
“Choose Your Word of the Year: Choose a word-of-the-year to guide how you want to feel or show up this year. Not a goal. Not a personality overhaul. Just a concept you want to bring into your life.”
– My word of the year is rest.
“One Word for 2025: In the middle of a piece of paper, write down one word that describes this year. Then branch off from that and describe the things that made it feel that way. Honest answers only. Hard words are allowed.”
– Hard work! I know it’s supposed to be one word, but that is the main theme of this year. I applied for disability, advocated for myself, went to many appointments, tried so hard to fix myself, and then through therapy, started to slowly decompress and relax into being as I am. I am still slowing down from all the years where I kept going with chronic fatigue syndrome, even after a year off work. I think that speaks volumes to how much pressure I was putting on myself and how hard I was working to keep going. Both of those made it harder to feel into how I was actually doing physically and emotionally because I was so panicked about not applying for disability.
So ya, hard work really describes this year, so does slowing down, exploring permission for myself, developing more compassion for myself, learning to hug myself on the inside, learning to speak about my hurt and bring it to life through art therapy, learning to notice when I was making decisions that weren’t in my best interests and learning why I was doing that, etc. I’ve really loved 2025, as hard as it’s been. I feel reborn even though I’m unwell and exhausted. It’s like my spirit is feeling renewed and seen, and that’s really refreshing. May that continue!
“One Word for Your Needs Right Now: If your body or heart could speak in one word, what would it ask for?”
-Rest!
“One Word for Who You Are: Not who you should be. But the person you are when no one else is asking something from you.”
-Relaxed. Quiet. Reflecting. Peaceful. Sad. Lonely. Healing. Learning. Evolving. Shedding. I couldn’t just think of one word, because I often feel different, depending on what is going on.
My word for 2026 is rest, and as a part of that, I’d like to focus on being exactly as I am, not better, not healed, not like I was when I was younger, but me, all of me, exactly as I am each day, even if it’s uncomfortable to be me. I’d like to not fight myself in 2026, but turn towards myself with open arms and a willingness to learn, hold space for myself and love myself. I don’t need to excel at this, but gently aim for it, give myself grace and compassion on the hard days and know that’s okay even if I resist my life or fight myself sometimes.
May your 2026 be full of peace, grace, ease, happiness and joy. And if you need inspiration to reflect on 2026, I totally recommend checking out Self-Love Rainbow’s site and workbooks (no pressure!). I’ve learned a lot about myself from their helpful and sweet tools!
A winter piece of art that I made to help me connect to the stillness and silence in a winter forest
I am here, and I am with myself 💕. I feel so soothed whenever I say to myself, “I am here and I am with you.” Sometimes, I even cry, like a part of me has just really needed to hear that, and it allows any stuck emotions or stress to release and flow.
I am participating in a program that helps people with chronic illnesses. It teaches about the chronic stress response and how that affects the nervous system, which can impact the body’s ability to heal. It is full of science, which is right up my alley, along with tools to help self-regulate the nervous system.
This program, Primal Trust, is another tool in my journey of helping myself. I have been living with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time now, and I am sometimes so tired of being tired. Primal Trust has live and recorded classes and it is so heart warming to see people from all over the world. The course material, teachers, and other participants help me feel validated, seen and understood, and is furthering my ability to do that for myself too.
I am learning about how to connect to my sense and feelings of inner okayness, which feels good. I used to feel much better, and I have missed connecting to myself in that way. Today, I did one of the tools to help retrain my stress response, and I was able to make it my own so that it felt authentic. It made my body and heart feel more alive and like I was more present for myself. Gosh, that was nice.
I was here, sitting, breathing, connecting and being here, with myself and for myself. It helped me more fully recognize how far I am from the healthy version of myself. The practices I have been learning over the past year in therapy are slowly helping me understand the different parts of me and thst each is valid and worthy of compassion.
I am learning about pacing myself and taking a more gentle, slow and steady approach to life and my healing. Apparently there is scientific evidence to support the pacing approach to healing chronic fatigue syndrome. I am so used to pushing and pressuring myself, so this continues to be a challenge for me, but its a worthy one ❤️❤️.
And so, I am here and I am with myself. Regardless of any tools and practices I learn, I hope I remember that I am enough, that giving myself the gift of my presence, care, touch, love and compassion are the most important. And, living my life and enjoying it instead of only focusing on getting better.
Here I am, writing, reflecting, smiling and sharing. Thanks for reading, may you be well and may you relax more into your sweetie self today.
It’s been several months since I have written on my blog. I’ve been having a tough time and have needed (and continue to need) deep quiet time.
Just this week, I remembered how nourishing it is for me to read my own words. I was feeling the nudge to write again, which I haven’t felt for some time.
Writing gives me a chance to spend time with myself, open up wellsprings of thoughts and feelings, and feel myself healing as I let the words flow from and through me.
I sometimes start writing with a topic in mind and other times, I can feel some pressure or tension that is seeking liberation, and writing often soothes those feelings.
Over the last 10 years, I’ve been learning about loving myself and being compassionate with myself. It’s been incredibly rewarding to make changes in my life towards greater self-love and self-compassion. Recently though, I discovered how hard I was still being on myself and how judgemental I was being.
I have struggled with my physical and mental health for most of my life. I would describe myself as being at rock bottom this year. And yet, it’s taken being here, at the bottom, to truly see how deep-rooted my self-judgement has been.
I have been doing a lot of work in therapy, including art therapy, and its really teaching me how to become an even safer space for myself. To acknowledge what I have survived, what I learned as a result, and to have compassion for the scars and the pain I have.
Late last week, I started feeling like a failure because I haven’t “cured” myself of my debilitating chronic fatigue syndrome. I’ve had this thought over and over for years. Through what I learned in art therapy, I finally saw how judgemental that was of me and I chose to give myself more compassion instead. It’s been a nice change.
I know there is a long road ahead for me that requires patience, compassion, rest, love and time. I am finally starting to feel worthy of giving myself all of that and knowing that my life matters even through this time of rock bottom.
And so I write. I create art. I breathe. I cry. I rest. I hear the whispers of my heart and the forest as they guide me. I complete my disability paperwork and feel all the tough feelings. I laugh. I garden. I sit. I mourn. I decompose and wait to see what grows.
Well, it’s nearly the end of 2024, and I have deep thoughts to share as the year comes to a close.
I grew up at a time where success in life looked a certain way, and I recently realized how much I was holding myself to those societal expectations.
As a person with a disability, I have been blaming and shaming myself for not being able to get over my chronic fatigue syndrome and for not being able to heal it no matter how hard I have tried.
It’s only after resting a lot these past few months that I can truly feel the depth of the fatigue I have with this condition. It’s as much a part of my whole being as any other part of me. I honestly thought I was less of a person because of this condition, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I have written posts in the past about how chronic fatigue has taught me to be more accepting and compassionate with myself. And that is completely true, but I have reached a new depth of acceptance these last few weeks.
I feel like I can stop fighting now. I can stop trying to be perfect, I can stop pretending that I can keep going while my health fails, and I can just stop, breathe, and be me, exactly as I am.
It is a relief to stop fighting and I am hoping that I will continue to relax into this new state of being. I can only imagine how healing that will be for me ❤️.
During my reflections, I have realized that every life has value, no matter how the person living it experiences it. Each way that we are different from each other is important and valid.
No more trying to fit humanity into tiny boxes, but instead, learning from each other and honouring the uniqueness of our individual experiences
That is the new way that my heart is seeing the true measure of success in life. Am I able to honour where I am at, with kindness and compassion? And can I treat all people that way? Wow, that would be a powerful way to live.
And so, as we transition to 2025, I honour you, dearest reader. Thank you for taking the time out of your precious life to read my reflections on getting a PhD in Being Me.
Lastly, I created the piece of art above to remind myself that I am special, loved, and adored. May you fill up with the message, too, and may you know just how precious and lovely you are, no matter the circumstances of your life.
The other day, I was having a conversation at work, and I said some very wise words that helped me to know that empathy is my superpower.
We were talking about some people who seem superhuman because they can work 16 hour days for long periods of time. My colleague seemed like they were judging themselves for not being able to do that, and I said something like,
You have superhuman powers at work even if you don’t work 16 hour days. You bring empathy, compassion, and understanding to your employees, and that is a superpower.
I could tell it helped my colleague for me to recognize their awesomeness and it sure helped me. It is easy for me to judge myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome and for not having bountiful amounts of energy. It isn’t always easy to remember the wonderful ways that I contribute to the lives of those around me thanks to my empathy, compassion and understanding. I was grateful for a chance to be reminded of that.
Living with empathy and leading with kindness and compassion are true bad ass ways of living. It is much easier to judge others, push them away or to “other” them. I know that because over the last 20 years I have been unlearning those habits and have been opening up to the wellspring of light, love, care and compassion that were always within me, just waiting to be discovered.
If you are reading this, I am smiling at you! I am encouraging you and cheering you on! What might your superpower be? Are you up for taking a moment to acknowledge the good you do just by being exactly as you are?
If you don’t know what your superpower is yet, may you have a joyful time discovering it. May you get a PhD in Being You each and every day as you get to know yourself better.
A cozy country road where I live with a gorgeous sunset
Several years ago, I heard a beautiful analogy that really applied to my life: the different types of roads and the speeds allowed on each one to understand the various phases of life.
Right now, I am traveling on country roads. I can speed up and get on a two lane highway for a short period of time, but then I have to exit, and drive onto the roads with a lower speed limit and no passing allowed.
As I have written before, having chronic fatigue syndrome has been a huge adjustment for me, and really, it still is. I remember all the super fun and amazing stuff I did when I had more energy. I loved the fast pace of life when I was younger, but I also really craved down time to rest and be by myself. Now, I know how to spend time by myself without feeling lonely, and I love being quiet, resting, and driving on the country roads of my life at a slower speed.
There are many aspects of life that I have missed now that I am not traveling on the highways of my life, but there are many things I was missing on those roads. Living life at a slower speed and with physical limitations has taught me to truly BE with myself while I live. I have a deeper relationship with myself than I did before; I have learned to trust myself, to know what food and habits are best for me, and how to advocate for myself.
Exiting the highway and taking the country roads has been a privilege, even though at times it has felt like I got a really bad speeding ticket and haven’t been allowed on the highway 🙃.
Finding the blessings on the country roads has been awesome. I am so grateful for what these country roads are teaching me. I am a stronger and more compassionate person thanks to my time on these roads. Wherever you are in your life, may your journey be blessed with peace, love, light, and healing, and may you appreciate the view, no matter what speed you live at ❤️❤️.
I love snails. I often pick them up off the road and place them on the plants on the side of the road. I love watching how slowly and deliberately they move along a plant or the ground. They bring their homes wherever they go, and they seem to enjoy taking their time to get where they are going.
When I walk the dogs and I come across a group of snails, I always want to stop and just watch them. For such little, slow-moving creatures, they have such an ability to inspire and bring joy. They remind me that even though I move slowly with chronic fatigue sometimes, I can still inspire and bring joy.
A snail’s life is no less important than a fast cheetah’s, so it makes me wonder why I have put so much pressure on myself to get better and be faster than I am now. I have learned so much from having chronic fatigue syndrome. I am now more effective, efficient, and productive, and I excel at resting and paying attention to my precious body’s cues. Because I have limited energy, I use what I have wisely and only on tasks that matter to me and have high value.
I love how the cute little snails on my road gave me such an opportunity to validate and appreciate myself, even on days where I move slower than a snail.
No matter what pace you can go in your daily life, or how far you go, may you know that your life and you matter and are perfectly valid. Big hugs and thanks for reading.
You matter, no matter how fast or slowly you move through life
Image of me flexing my muscles in celebration of finding strength within me
Sneak peek: loving video at the end of this post!
Since I started getting progressively more tired with chronic fatigue syndrome, I thought I was getting weaker. It can be easy to associate any condition or change in abilities with weakness. I felt the same about how anxious I was getting over the years. It turns out I was wrong. Learning to cope with challenges and unexpected realities creates strength and resilience, not weakness.
For a long time, I hid how tired I was, and I didn’t talk about how hard it was, even with my doctor and naturopath. I felt this absurd need to downplay my symptoms. Through many hardships in my personal and professional, I learned just how much shame I was experiencing. I think I needed to soak in that shame so I could find my self-worth and rise up despite my diagnosis. I feel like I could write a book about this subject and I really hope to in the future. There is something so magical about struggling and suffering yet finding one’s way through. It is so beautiful and inspiring, and I hope to uplift and support others by sharing deeply about my struggles to embrace, accept, know, and love myself.
I had so many loving and supportive people who validated me, even when I didn’t think I was good enough. My family first helped me see that I am physically and emotionally strong even though I am always tired. They supported me through the shame and unworthiness I felt about it. My beautiful friend Jana helped me with that, too, when I easily moved a heavy umbrella stand. And Georgette coached me through the fears I had about taking big steps to reclaim my power. K taught me that there are cycles in life and that it’s okay not to give 100% all the time. I remember how incredibly powerful their help and support was. I am so grateful to all my friends, family, and colleagues who loved and appreciated me for me, regardless of how tired or anxious I was (or am). I hadn’t recognized how small, not good enough and incapable I felt just because I am chronically exhausted.
With every supportive and encouraging word from family, friends, colleagues and that I learned to give to myself, I started reclaiming my worth and my physical and emotional strength. Learning to honor myself and my precious body has been life changing for me, too. Developing my self-worth has helped me make healthier and more confident decisions in my life, including recognizing and enforcing boundaries, eating ways that give me more energy and other healthy habits. Tremendous good has come out of having chronic fatigue syndrome. Through perceiving myself as weak, I have found true strength, what a beautiful gift. My strength still wavers at times, but now that I have found it, I won’t lose it again.
Even though we face challenges in life, whether they are imposed on us by society or not, whether they are temporary or permanent, physical, mental, emotional, or financial, or the result of longstanding systemic racism and oppression, we are still strong. Challenges of any kind don’t make us weak. If anything, they make us more resilient.
May we all rise up and reclaim our inner power and strength and dissolve all barriers so we may have true equity, unity, harmony and acceptance within our hearts, bodies, minds, societies, cultures and countries. May we all be blessed to have loving and supportive people to share our lives with too!
In closing, I am sharing a video with a special message and some deep breaths from my heart to yours ❤️.
A short video to anchor the message of finding strength, self-love and self-worth especially through challenges
Note: I have not suffered the effects of systemic racism and oppression as a white, cisgender woman of Lebanese and Italian ancestry. I wanted to include reference to those who deal with that on a daily basis to honor their strength and resilience. And to highlight my commitment as an ally who is learning and applying what I learn each day. May those oppressive and racist systems be completely transformed and resolved for the well-being of all humanity.
PhD in Being Me 