PhD in Being Me

Tag: chronic illness

  • When rest is best

    An unmade bed that is ready to climb into for rest
    A bed ready to rest in!

    Living with chronic fatigue syndrome can be quite confusing and hard. I remember being a student athlete, working full time and working on a Master’s degree in another city, and other wonderful examples of having energy. I also know that having this medical condition has taught me so much about myself and has given me a chance to know myself better and to heal some big wounds.

    I can only write about my experience of chronic fatigue syndrome, and my experiences will likely be different from those of others. I acknowledge, honor, and respect everyone with a chronic condition, no matter how their symptoms manifest.

    The thing I struggle with the most is not comparing myself to others who aren’t constantly tired. I look at the volunteers in my community and how hard they work, and I am in awe and jealous all at once. Chronic fatigue syndrome has taught me to focus on my own experience of life more. To notice how it feels to live the life I have, even when I sometimes want it to be different.

    I don’t have control over if I get better (believe me, I have tried), but I do have control over the choices I make each day. I can choose to notice that my head hurts and I am feeling nauseous. Both of those are my precious body’s way of saying, “hey, rest is what I need, not more doing.” Being respectful of myself means listening to my body, honoring any emotions I feel about needing to lie down, and giving myself permission to rest in a world that is so very busy.

    I have struggled with this a lot and am much kinder to myself now. I still whine and moan sometimes because my emotional maturity level goes down the more tired I get. Despite this, I am proud of how much easier it is for me to make choices that are in my best interests. I am proud of myself for developing boundaries and finding the courage to speak up about them. I am proud of myself for developing a stronger sense of self worth despite having this condition. I would still like to get better at not comparing my energy to others and not judging myself, but I recognize I am getting better at this. I have such a wonderful life, I don’t want to miss out on it just because I am chronically tired. May we all be blessed with knowing when rest is best and with the ability to be so kind to ourselves.

    I dedicate this post to my beautiful body for teaching me about when rest is best and to chronic fatigue syndrome for helping me polish my interior and exterior so I can shine brighter than ever before despite this condition. May we all be blessed to know how life is always here to help us, even when life isn’t how we want it to be. Big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Chronic fatigue has taught me to love and accept myself

    At some point in my adolescence, I stopped thinking I was worth it. I believed that I was too sensitive, too much, too sick, too frequently injured, etc. So I just stopped caring about myself. I learned to ignore and push past my needs. I felt very lonely and sad and I really didn’t know what to do about it.

    Here I am, many years later, and I am still me: sensitive, chronically fatigued, anxious, yet full of love, generosity, smiles and kindness. The difference is that I know myself now and I am unlearning all of the ways I used to relate to myself. I see that I’m not too much, I’m actually pretty awesome and I know you are too. It’s my hope that by sharing more about how I’ve been relating to myself lately that it will help you to feel better about yourself, no matter what your circumstances are.

    Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels.com

    I used to be embarrassed to have chronic fatigue syndrome. As I have written in past posts, I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and I just needed to figure it out so I could get better. Lately, I have embraced being honest with myself and others about my medical condition and the massive limitations that come with it. It has been feeling really good to share more about it. In fact, I’m noticing that the more I share about it, the more I can feel my self-worth building. It’s like I’m breaking the cycles of abuse from my earlier years every time I share about myself and ask for extra support.

    I honestly feel that living with chronic fatigue has been what I’ve needed to unshackle myself and to learn that I am worthy of being listened to, cared for, supported and nurtured, both by myself and others. I have been feeling so supported lately and I really feel that it’s because I’ve given myself permission to have chronic fatigue syndrome and to be open about it. Isn’t that a funny concept? That by giving myself permission to actually be how I am has made my life easier and more enjoyable?

    I see that I am making really healthy choices each day for my body, soul and heart, and it’s okay to be exactly where I am at, even if I don’t always like it. I figure that I will keep doing my best to take care of myself and if my chronic fatigue will be healed, awesome. If it won’t in the near future or far future, then that will be awesome too. I’m really at a point where loving and caring for myself is what matters most, instead of just trying to get over myself or my circumstances.

    May this post lighten your load and inspire you about where you may be able to give yourself more permission in your life, including loving and accepting yourself. May you also know how special and wonderful you are, no matter what.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.