PhD in Being Me

Tag: journalling

  • Empathy is my super power

    A beautiful sunset sky with purple, yellow, pink and orange clouds.

    The other day, I was having a conversation at work, and I said some very wise words that helped me to know that empathy is my superpower.

    We were talking about some people who seem superhuman because they can work 16 hour days for long periods of time. My colleague seemed like they were judging themselves for not being able to do that, and I said something like,

    You have superhuman powers at work even if you don’t work 16 hour days. You bring empathy, compassion, and understanding to your employees, and that is a superpower.

    I could tell it helped my colleague for me to recognize their awesomeness and it sure helped me. It is easy for me to judge myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome and for not having bountiful amounts of energy. It isn’t always easy to remember the wonderful ways that I contribute to the lives of those around me thanks to my empathy, compassion and understanding. I was grateful for a chance to be reminded of that.

    Living with empathy and leading with kindness and compassion are true bad ass ways of living. It is much easier to judge others, push them away or to “other” them. I know that because over the last 20 years I have been unlearning those habits and have been opening up to the wellspring of light, love, care and compassion that were always within me, just waiting to be discovered.

    If you are reading this, I am smiling at you! I am encouraging you and cheering you on! What might your superpower be? Are you up for taking a moment to acknowledge the good you do just by being exactly as you are?

    If you don’t know what your superpower is yet, may you have a joyful time discovering it. May you get a PhD in Being You each and every day as you get to know yourself better.

    I send you big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Incubation

    Have you ever wondered what self-love even means? Or what it is to self-reflect? I know those questions very well, and my answers to them come through writing and being honest vulnerable with myself.

    It is my hope that in sharing this new poem that it inspires you to connect more deeply with the awesomeness you already are. I find the more I connect with myself, the more I am able to answer the questions that arise within me about how to love, care and nurture myself. May you be inspired too 💖.

    Incubation

    Over the last seven years
    I have felt myself slowly dying.
    My muscles have been drained of energy
    Where it has felt like my life force energy wasn't replenishing and I was running on the fumes of life.
    My heart felt encased in rocks and no matter how much I used a chisel, I just never made any progress.
    My interactions with others brought up so much pain and lack of safety.  There was no place within or outside of myself to seek refuge and peace.
    I felt so many of my bodily systems operating at the bare minimum and I could feel myself aging and dying.
    I didn't understand why I was going through this process when so many of my dreams had come true...how could I be suffering and stagnating when I had so many blessings in my life?
    I don't have the answer to this question.
    I just know that I can feel the balance shifting.  I feel more joy and fluidity in my muscles.
    I am being refueled in my muscles, tissues, organs and cells and it is easier to smile.
    I don't feel like I need to hide to seek emotional and physical safety, I feel more ready to be seen.
    The shame, anger, overwhelm, sadness and exhaustion are in the background instead of filling my every breath and thought.
    I see how I have been stewing in the pot of my life's pain, suffering and trauma and there was no escape.  I had to see and feel every ingredient being added to the pot.  I had to bear witness to myself as I witnessed my death and crucifixion at the hands of life, only to be reborn and incubating, patiently waiting for me to process, heal, grow, rest and evolve, all while living life in first gear.
    Is it wrong that I have needed this time?
    No.
    Should it have been faster?
    No.
    Should I have gotten over myself instead of allowing this miraculous but exceptionally difficult time period in my life?
    No.
    Did I hate, resent, fear and reject myself countless times during this time?
    Yes.
    What made me stop doing that?
    Me giving me permission to feel and be exactly as I am, with openness, transparency and a willingness to be seen at my messiest and weakest and to feel within me that I was worthy despite how I was.
    I have been dying and being reborn over and over again.  My destruction and incubation are more complete and I feel ready.
    Ready for what?
    To thrive.
    To share 
    To uplift.
    To support and to give love.
    To me, to you, to our planet and all of her inhabitants who are slowly dying and being reborn in each moment.
    May our deaths and rebirths be miraculous and healing for ourselves and for the well being and evolution of all.  
    With every breath we take, may we see the beauty in our process of healing no matter how long, exhausting or insufferable it is.  
    May you be reminded of your worth no matter how good or shitty you feel.  May you be held from within and outside of you.

    Thanks for reading.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved

  • Notes to myself at 4am

    A cute little clock I drew on our chalkboard

    Do you ever wake up in the early morning hours and feel like you need to spend time with yourself? That happens to me every now and then. I usually don’t mind it because I feel like it’s the universe giving me a little nudge to discover what my heart, mind and body want to share. I have a couple of ways that I spend that time, including:

    1. lying in bed to hang out with myself and breathe
    2. reading a book
    3. taking a bath
    4. asking myself some questions and waiting to hear if there are any answers
    5. writing in a journal
    6. listening to audio from my favorite spiritual teacher Matt Kahn

    This weekend, I did numbers 1, 4, 5, and 6 and it was perfect for me. I really do feel it is a quiet time for me to get to know what’s bothering me or what I want to focus more on. It’s almost like I can be more honest and vulnerable with myself during that time when most others are asleep.

    The older I get, the more I realize that we are all different and different things work for each of us. It is my humblest wish that by sharing what works for me inspires you to discover what works best for you.

    In honour of that wish, I’m sharing one of my “4am notes to myself.” In this note, I’m reflecting on my time off work and how I’m doing. Whether this note resonates with you or not, may it help you connect more deeply with your little voice inside that just needs to be heard, not changed, but just heard.

    “Here I am, nearly 2 weeks after my last note, and I still feel tired out.  I guess I expected this time off work to be more restorative and fun.  Instead I am learning new and unexpected things:

    1. I don’t always have all the energy I’d like for myself, my family and home stuff, even without working and trips to my dad’s
    2. I am super sensitive to stress and it affects my digestion, mood, muscles, etc. 
    3. I have forgotten how to enjoy the present moment sometimes
    4. I really like making blog posts
    5. I love organizing even when I am tired
    6. I have more energy for cooking when I am off
    7. I have more time to spend outside and get refreshed even though I have little energy, I still use it wisely.
    8. I can take a lot of baths
    9. I have more energy for grocery shopping instead of just online shopping
    10. I am good at family and home organizing and I get more pleasure out of it when I am off
    11. I am great at finding books and shows that are interesting and make me feel good.

    I am proud of myself. I have been challenged in several ways during this time off and I am doing a great job meeting my needs and finding my way despite being tired and feeling less heart centered and like I have less love for others and even myself.  Its about damn time I acknowledge myself this positively when I feel this tired.”

    No matter how great or how shitty you feel, I acknowledge you. You matter and you are special. May you be blessed with much inner quiet so you can connect more deeply to yourself and know your needs. Big hugs!

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.