Well, sometimes my symptoms kick my ass. And today is one of those days. To be honest, the last few weeks have felt like this, I am just getting better at letting myself feel shitty instead of trying to overcome and fix everything I experience all the time.
I am practicing being with myself when my body is so uncomfortable or when I have racing, catastrophic thoughts, or both. It’s not super pleasant, but I am enjoying the new strength and resilience I feel at developing these skills. It sure beats trying to run away from or distract myself 🩷.
Lately, I’ve been writing about allowing myself to feel what’s going on within me and allowing the symptoms to be there. Today, I am getting great practice because I am so uncomfortable. All I can really do is acknowledge that this is my reality and be kind to myself.
I am using some of my tools to see which ones will help me hold space for this discomfort, but not hold it so tight that it can’t move through me and shift if that is what it is going to do. I am writing this as a way to acknowledge my experience and to soothe myself because writing almost always helps. But my eyes and head hurt and my cognitive capacity is pretty low, so I am going to keep it short ❤️.
I have been unwell for quite a while now, but through trauma informed therapy and nervous system rehabilitation, I am learning how to be here, in my body, with myself, while I am unwell. I am very grateful for that! I am feeling worse lately, and I almost wonder if that is in part because through allowing myself to be exactly as I am, then I am less in denial about the state of my health. And that allows me to better sense just how much chronic fatigue syndrome and healing from trauma are a huge part of my life (for now 🤞🏼💝).
One moment of witnessing my symptoms, one moment of speaking kindly to myself as I weep, and one moment of making a gentle, caring choice at a time.
May you be blessed with lots of care, a wonderful support system and lots of whatever you need today.
Instead of getting all riled up by my feelings, like I was earlier today, I wondered if it would help me to think of them like a little “check engine” light. Nothing personal, nothing to fix, get over, analyze or heal from, but an indicator that some care is needed.
If you’ve been reading my posts lately, I have been writing about my changing relationship with my most complex and challenging emotions and feelings. I am learning how to allow my feelings, how to stay present with them, and to feel them as opposed to focusing on the events from my past that they likely stemmed from.
So, this metaphor came to me tonight. What if resentment, for example, is like a “check engine” light or a “check oil” light. One that reminds me that I need care (not a car service, tee hee). And that likely I have been sacrificing myself or not meeting my needs. That seems pretty simple. I felt some serious resentment over the smallest thing this evening before I realized that the last few weeks have been challenging and I needed rest. When I thought of it this way, I didn’t feel as angry and resentful, but instead, it was super easy to tell myself I had done more than enough today and that I should lie down and watch TV. It made a big difference to my experience of those big feelings. It gave me a bit of separation from them and made me feel mature, grounded and able to take care of myself.
This realization helped me acknowledge more deeply that I haven’t been feeling great all week, and that I have been doing an excellent job experimenting with how to care for myself during this stressful week. It’s easy for me to feel like a victim, and choiceless, but in writing this post and reflecting, I see that through small actions and choices this week, I showed up for myself, even when I got super triggered, exhausted and overwhelmed.
I am open to exploring those big emotions as a “check engine” light that is here to help me meet my needs in each moment. Tonight, I need to get into bed early, read and go to sleep!
Note to readers: this post includes descriptions of my inner pain, trauma and learning how to allow all of me to be here. Please read with care 💖.
This morning I had a vision in my mind’s eye. I saw a paper with my inner narrative written on it, the one I formed while growing up.
I saw me trying to write over it to create more of what I wanted.
I saw the original words getting bigger, darker and they were working to ensure they could be seen and read.
To help me further process this very impactful vision, I recreated it in the images above. It was a very powerful experience to actually feel into the words and feelings for each stage above. It allowed me to understand myself better and to have more compassion for myself.
I have used a lot of willpower in my life to overcome my inner narrative and pain. I have had to work so hard to keep this up and its been exhausting trying to overwrite and escape from something that is within me. This morning I was lying in bed and reflecting that maybe the time had come to coexist with all aspects of me and my inner world.
This realization is really in keeping with what I am learning in my nervous system rehabilitation program – to build capacity to be with my most difficult emotions and experiences. To witness them and allow them instead of trying to rewrite my story each day (which is so so exhausting).
The more I learn about myself, and the more I decompress from a life of stress, not feeling safe and being in protection mode, the more empathy I have for myself. My physical and mental health have been on the decline, and it all makes so much sense the more I learn and process. How could I be thriving when so much of my life force energy is going into keeping me safe and worrying for the safety of my loved ones? Learning about trauma and the nervous system has helped me understand how I can’t just keep trying to rewrite my life. It’s so much more than just trying harder, having a positive attitude or using willpower.
And so, I will take a deep breath. I will acknowledge that I have been trying to force my way into my ideal inner experience of life, without realizing that I have been fighting with myself to get there. I breathe again. And again. And I feel the pain, vulnerability and hurt that I have inadvertently been pushing away because that’s how trauma works to keep me safe. And I breathe again.
I open my palms, side by side, to hold all the words on the pages above. I breathe deeply to have the courage to let them all exist, and occupy space within me. And I breathe to allow myself to feel it all and learn from all of those feelings and experiences and move forward together.
One step at a time, I am working towards my PhD in Being Me. I wish you so much ease, clarity and insight in your own journey with becoming an expert in being yourself.
With love and care, Bradlee
An art piece from nearly a year ago, about finding myself.
I am different lately. Turning 46 has been a big one for me. I am no longer a young person, I am closer to 50 than to 40, and I can tell that I view life differently than the youth I am around. My skin looks more wrinkly, my face looks older, and my body seems a bit more fragile.
I don’t think all is lost, but there is some grief for me during this time. I don’t have a young child anymore, and I won’t be walking down the street holding a tiny hand any longer (not that I have in years). I see young people who run down the street, so full of life and energy and I mourn the loss of my own youth and energy, although chronic fatigue syndrome plays a big role in that.
I look at my precious husband and hope we have so many more years of hand holding, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. And I wonder how long we will live in our cute little house in the country. I hope that our son will have his parents around for many, many more years to come. I look forward to cheering for him as he navigates and explores his life and how best to live it.
I am not lost in these feelings of grief and hope, rather they seem to flow in and out of my mind as I live my life. I am not trying to get away from the thoughts because grief and I have become friends over the years, and I know that it is a part of being a human, just as much as joy and love.
I have had such an amazing life up to now, despite all the hardships and things I could have done without, and the grief I feel honours this. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband and son, or such a quiet life in the country. I am so grateful for the innocence that I have within me, the grace and power too, and my big, huge belly laughs. None of that is over, but so much else feels like it is after turning 46. My internal suffering is easing slightly as I learn more what I need, and that is such a relief, but it may also be contributing to these feelings of grief. Who might I be without all this pain, anxiety, loneliness, exhaustion and sadness that I have felt for so long? I wonder 🌸🌟.
Well, to the me who came before, the one who is healing, the one who has never needed healing, and the me who is living today and every future day, I say, well done. You have made it. No matter what the future holds, I am with you. Every tear, every fear, every laugh, every wrinkle and every moment has brought me here, and I wouldn’t be me without it all. Grief and joy, all together, for this opportunity to live this exact life, even though I have tried to resist it and get away from it. I am here, learning to allow, to feel, to open my heart to it all.
Sometimes I feel the emotional pressure building up inside me, and I feel this urge to flee the pressure and the feelings. Sometimes I distract myself. But sometimes, I am brave and I turn toward it, instead of trying to get rid of it.
I have this pressure on the left side of my jaw that comes and goes. I learned recently that I can sit with that pressure and tell it, “I am here. I want to understand you, not force you or make you go away. I am here.” Apparently, when we lean in towards discomfort, it signals to our brain that the uncomfortable sensation is safe and not a threat.
That makes a lot of sense to me. I had done a lot of energy healing work in the early 2010s. It was incredibly helpful for me in many ways, but it was quite damaging in others. It ended up teaching me to try to get rid of any feeling in my body that wasn’t “of the light,” so I got scared of the heavy feelings and was always in a rush to do some healing process to get rid of it. I understand how energy healing (at least the way I was taught) really amplified the lack of safety I already had in my mind and body and made me more anxious. It also made me feel like I couldn’t be me, as I was, that I needed to keep striving for better and more healing.
Ah, hindsight, eh? The good news is I understand myself more now, and I have a greater sense of my needs and what works for me. So, the idea of turning towards physical and emotional discomfort with care, presence and allowing is very refreshing and exciting for me.
As a way of preparing myself better for future discomfort and being open and allowing, I am drafting some language I can draw on:
I am here for you and with you. You are welcome here.
I am with you and it’s a joy to be with you.
I love you and I am here. Thank you for being here, and thank you for teaching me how to be with you.
You are allowed to be here and I would love to get to know you.
I am here, is there anything you’d like me to know?
The important thing for me is not to try to say these things when I need them, but to actually feel curious, caring and compassionate and then offer those words above with those sentiments. Otherwise, I will just be covertly trying to fix or manage myself instead of giving myself a gift of care, allowing and compassion. I am going to experiment with this and see if I can truly feel into allowing in my body instead of just trying to do it with my thoughts.
I look forward to sharing an update in the future.
May you be well, and if you’re up for sharing, I’d love to hear what works for you ❤️❤️, Bradlee
Falling into life with open arms and a big yes in my heart
How beautiful is that image! Gosh, I love it! I painted that about a year ago, when I had been processing some big emotions and then I felt so free, like I could say yes to life. I felt like I was falling deeper into life with my arms wide open and the love was exploding out of me. It is such a beautiful and compelling visual for me.
I definitely don’t feel like that every day, not by any means. I sure would love to, as I remember times in my life where I felt safe to be me and how incrediby liberating it was. I’ve been through a lot and I’m learning more about the chronic stress response and the impacts of trauma, and my struggles make a lot more sense. It feels amazing to understand myself more, which is allowing me to relax more into being me with more compassion, kindness and patience.
I’m part of a program (primaltrust.org) that helps people with chronic illnesses learn about the chronic stress response and how they can take an active role in creating more safety in their body and nervous system. This past week, I am learning more about brain retraining and how with simple, micro-practices, over time, I should be able to build more safety, instead of mainly feeling, “I am not okay, this isn’t safe, etc.”
I got really excited about this practice where I get to focus on a “true self” proclamation. The idea is that I think of a time where I felt the most free, and imagine a world where I have always been supported, always allowed to be me, and completely free to be me, with no limits, boundaries or restrictions. And then describe what I feel like, in my truest self, in a few words. The idea is to reconnect with that essence and know that this part of me is what is leading me to greater healing and freedom.
Aparently by writing it out, speaking out those words, and saying them to myself in the mirror at least once a day can really help me have a stronger foundation for brain retraining. And it will probably help me feel more confident, even on days where I’m not feeling my best symptom wise.
I got excited learning about this mini-practice, and the painting above came to mind right away. I thought it would solidify this exercise for me to write about it on my blog.
I am kind
I am compassionate
I am powerful
I am free
I am full of light and love
I am strong
I feel happy thinking of these qualities that are within myself even when I am struggling with symptoms from my physical and mental health struggles. It makes me feel like I am supported from deep down, and that I am not alone in my life. If I had done this 15 years ago, I would not have been able to come up with this list by feeling into it. I was so closed off, so hurt inside and so lonely, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine my true self, or find words to describe it.
And so, if you’re there today, I send you a big hug. Primal Trust encourages people to think of a time when they felt most free or if they can’t find one to make it up for this micro-practice (apparently imagination and visualization are super helpful for brain retraining, I still have more to learn about it before I share anything more). Wherever you are in this moment is perfectly valid, and I say the same to myself! We all need to start somewhere, and our journey to healing is unique to each of us, but our humanity unites us and allows us to learn from each other’s experiences.
Thanks for reading, may we all get to know our true selves and feel supported by their qualities 🌸🌟🌸💖, Bradlee
Art that was inspired by the most exhausted parts of my being
It’s hard to explain just how exhausting it is to have chronic fatigue syndrome. It’s taken me years to really and truly understand that rest doesn’t cure this type of exhaustion. It is much deeper than a lack of rest. It is an exhaustion down to the cellular and soul levels.
Before I get much further in my writing, I’d like to acknowledge that this represents my experience and no one else’s. I know others who have chronic fatigue syndrome and there are some similarities between us, but important differences too. There are some people who don’t have even a tiny fraction of the limited energy that I do, which I can fathom from my worst days, weeks and months, but can’t truly understand 💖. I hope that my words find those who need to read them and that each person with chronic fatigue be surrounded and filled with so much help, support, compassion, healing and love from inside and out.
For me, chronic fatigue is like living at the speed that a turtle or snail needs to go at, not fast, but just slow and steady. Sloths are also super cute and make me feel better about the pace I need to do things at.
Another analogy for chronic fatigue is when a computer runs in energy saving mode, the screen is a bit darker, things move slower, all in an effort to conserve. And it stays in that mode, because the charger can only replenish the computer battery so much for some reason. That’s probably the closest comparison. Physical and cognitive tasks really drain my battery, and experiencing big emotions do too, so I’m often working to maintain some sliver of balance or to regain balance whenever I can.
There have been days/weeks/months where I needed to lie down so I could breathe deeply enough or so that I would have enough energy to digest my food. Some days I can run errands, and it takes a toll on me, but accomplishing something and getting to smile at people is so worth it. Other days, I avoid the grocery store where I have to pack my own bags because it’s too tiring for me to do it.
Some days, I can sit up for quite a few hours, but I need to find ways to recline, lean back, rest my head or lie flat. If I don’t, I start to feel weak, light headed, dizzy, anxious and overwhelmed. If I use my muscles too much, like with gardening, or household chores, then I feel weak and vulnerable for 2-3 days afterwards. I can do gentle exercise for 10 minutes or less, depending on the day, and I can dance! As long as it’s only one or two songs where I really have a kick ass party! Then I tone it down and just enjoy myself instead of full on dancing because it’s too tiring.
Sometimes the thought of cooking a meal for myself or my family is too tiring and I need to lie down and ask for help. That is definitely something I have struggled with, but I am slowly getting better at doing this! I am a (recovering) people pleaser, perfectionist and high achiever, so admitting where I am with my health has been hard for me. I continued to work way past the time it was healthy for me to do so, and that’s all been part of my journey towards being kind to myself, acknowledging my reality and learning how to meet my needs instead of force, belittle or coerce myself.
Today, I was walking with the dogs, which is so good for my overall health, but I had to cut it much shorter because I could feel the exhaustion in my muscles. The dogs weren’t happy about it, but I’m learning with each experience to trust myself to meet my needs and to stay within my capacity. I learned recently that overexerting myself actually slows any potential healing from chronic fatigue syndrome. How about that! I had been pushing myself way past my capacity for years.
Every once in a while, I have to stay in bed for a few hours, half the day or just make sure I lie down around the house for the majority of the day. Today is definitely an exhausted, take it easy kind of day, which I’m getting better at relaxing into. Oddly enough, I feel worse if I lie down the whole day. Doing a small chore, gentle dancing or lymphatic massage makes a big difference to the quality of my exhausted days and creates more flow inside of me.
I thought it might be helpful for me to write more about what it feels like for me to have chronic fatigue. I also thought it might help anyone who is wanting to learn more about it too. Writing about my experience of life gives it validity and importance, and that is really special for me. After so many years of being so hard on myself, it feels good to ease into who I am, all of me, regardless of where I am with my health. It reminds me that I am okay despite my health challenges and that I am very worthy regardless.
If you’re like me and you’ve been shamed for having a sensitive body and soul, then I send you big care and lots of hugs. It’s totally okay to be sensitive and to have lived through some really tough things. I am learning how to care for myself instead of continuing that shame. May you be super supported by friends, family (chosen or blood), health care professionals, mental health professionals and anyone else who can shine a light on your awesomeness and help you in the ways that you need. And most importantly, may you learn what your needs are and may you feel empowered to take big or small or baby steps to start meeting them. That is how we’ll truly earn our own PhDs in Being Me, each of us learning more and more about who we are, what we need and learning to do that for our sweetie selves.
I send you lots of care and smiles. Thanks for reading and may you be well 💖🌟❤️,
Bradlee
Some caring art I made for the vulnerable parts within me when I needed some reassurance and love
At some point during the last several years, I started looking down when I walked to make sure I wouldn’t trip or fall. I have been very delicate and vulnerable mentally and physically so looking down makes sense, even though I have been far from an age where a fall would have been catastrophic.
I knew I was doing this, but I hadn’t realized just how much that was reflecting how I felt in the world. How I needed to watch out, be careful and keep an eye out for potential hazards.
In the fall of 2025, I did an exercise my art therapist suggested to help me focus a bit more outward. I was nailing the “meeting my needs” bit and she suggested I look more broadly at my needs from a physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social perspective. I wrote about my initial efforts with this homework in September https://phdinbeingme.ca/2025/11/10/boundaries/.
Since that time, I notice that it is easier to look up when I am walking. Easier to notice aspects of my life that have been neglected due to my health limitations. Easier to see more of me and life’s possibilities, even while I am unwell with chronic fatigue syndrome and mental health challenges.
And so, I am finding it easier to remember to look up and ahead, to remember that I am more than my tough days, and that I have survived each tough day so far, and I can do it again. I can work, slowly but surely, to create safety in my body, mind and heart and celebrate when I give myself kindness and compassion. I can write what’s in my heart because sharing stories matters and reminds us that we are all connected in our humanity, even if our experiences are different.
Wherever you are, whether you are looking down or upward, I send you smiles, care and kindness!
Well, here I am. I really feel like writing, and celebrating the desire to write.
I went for a cold, sunny sky walk with the dogs and I was filled with so much love and possibilities. I was given an opportunity to see the extent of the possibilities of my life in spite of my physical and mental health challenges.
I’ve been learning how to ride the waves of my emotions instead of being pulled into every feeling I have. I was flooded with fear just when I was passing a wide field with a horse and two cows and a tall tree full of singing birds. There was no immediate danger that I could see, in fact it was a beautiul scene, but I was terrified. For the first time, I felt that fear coursing through my body and was able to see the beauty around me. The horse was peeking around the wall of his shelter and was staring right at me. I held his eyes and then looked at the cute cows, and knew that I could be okay despite the intense feelings in my body.
Slowly but surely, and I mean slowly (!), I am learning how to build up my capacity to feel my feelings, and to be stressed and to know that I am okay despite it all. I’m also learning how to ride the waves of extreme fatigue that I have with chronic fatigue syndrome and to know that I’ll live through it. Being exhausted for years has really stressed out every aspect of my beingness. I am so grateful for my therapists, health care professionals and for the Primal Trust program, which is all about healing from the chronic stress response.
I’m focusing on celebrating my wins, crying when I need to, knowing that I can create trust within myself as I learn to tend to my nervous system and body in new ways. It’s taken a lot of tough living for me to get here, and I’m so loved, supported and cared for, so my hope for my future is justified.
I’m getting my PhD in Being Me each day that I listen to my body and mind and tune into my needs. I used to think that if I could do everything perfectly, everything would be fine. Now I see that it’s more about being who I am, exactly as I am, meeting myself where I’m at, learning, being patient, asking for help and loving myself.
I hope that you are inspired by what you need each day to get your very own Phd in Being You, because no one else is you and you are very worthy of caring for yourself and being supported.
A heart I drew from the book, The Art of Drawing Dangles, by Olivia A. Kneibler
Moving towards the uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, emotions, pains and everything else inside of me is bold. It’s amazing. It’s the opposite of what I had done for so so many years, and it’s the opposite of what we’re encouraged to do in North America.
For years now, I’ve learned various different approaches to my physical and mental health, and over time, it’s become easier to want to befriend all the parts of my inner world, including the uncomfortable ones.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome, so I’m either tired or exhausted each day, and I feel soreness in my muscles, inflammation in my joints and brain, as well as other symptoms. I am also easily triggered into strong stress and trauma responses, which adds to my exhaustion. So, some of my daily life is uncomfortable. As a high achiever and recovering (hopefully!) perfectionist, leaning in to this discomfort is not something that has come easily. I have put so much effort into trying to be perfect, to keep up the appearance that everything is okay, that I am okay. Ya, so leaning in to those aspects of myself and my health that I had judged as flawed has not been easy.
Through the guidance of my therapists, trauma healing work, art, nervous system regulating practices, and self-compassion, I have been building up safety and trust within me. I was not a trust worthy person to myself before, because I had such a strong inner critic who would berate the “weaker” parts of me (explaining my inner critic’s role and how we’re getting to be friends is a whole other post or 10).
Creating that trust has been the work of over a year and it’s been beautiful to witness within me. That trust has allowed me to become a reliable confidante and friend to myself, to know that I can count on myself, to be able to recognize when it’s time to reach out for support, and to know that I am developing the skills to be kind to myself and to understand why it’s been difficult to do that before. It is such a blessing.
And so, today, when I’m tired, my muscles and head hurt, and I can feel inflammation, worry and stress building up, I can lean towards those feelings. I can say, “hey, I feel you, and I am with you. You are not alone and it’s okay to feel this way. What kind of support do you need today?” That is a big change from me berating myself, shoving down how I feel and just trying to keep going. It’s a new muscle that I’m building, “the kindness, compassion and leaning in muscle” so sometimes I revert back to my old ways to trying to protect myself through controlling how I am doing because those muscles are much stronger from years of use.
For example, yesterday, I noticed that I was trying to manage and control how I felt so that I could feel better. I was innocently doing all kinds of meditations and deep breathing tools to try not to feel crappy, and then I realized what I was doing. I was trying to push away and hurry away how I was feeling. I took a few deep breaths, gave myself permission to be uncomfortable and to move forward with more kindness, ease and allowing myself to be just as I was. It really made for a more gentle experience and nurtured that trust I am developing within myself. I can’t always change how I feel or how my health is, but I can influence how I experience each day.
And so, today and every day, may we all be blessed with the safety, support, resources, and tools to be kind to ourselves, to lean in to what is causing discomfort with curiousity, compassion and kindness, and to smile at ourselves and each other as we do what we can with our circumstances.
PhD in Being Me 