When things get hard in my life, I feel an internal bracing. My abdomen gets tight, my muscles get more contracted, I start to hunch my shoulders a bit and I prepare for the worst. And to top it all off, I do my best to hold myself and everything to do with those hard circumstances together with my will and my mind.
Phew, that is exhausting. By paying more attention to my body, I’ve been acquainted with how much my physiology adapts to hold everything in and together. I can also recognize that pattern in my mind too. And what happens next is I try to stay ahead of those feelings and those life circumstances to make sure they can’t catch up to me. Or I lock them away so I can’t feel them at all.
These are protective behaviors that have served me well in the past and they helped me get through a lot. But as I learn more tools and about how trauma works, I want to help ease those behaviors and implement the new ways I’m learning to cope with life. Holding it all together is really like trying to dam up a river like in the image at the start of this post. It takes a lot of work to maintain that, and I want to lighten my internal load as much as possible to see if it may lessen my symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome.
And so, with kindness, awareness and compassion, I recognize my protective patterns, breathe deeply into my belly and learn what I need to feel safer as life keeps me on this super fast train of learning through a lot of challenges in a short period of time.
On good days, I see those challenges as opportunities to grow and evolve and choose differently and on more tired days, I feel overwhelmed and pulled under by the demands.
One day at a time, one moment of deep breathing, kind words and self-soothing behaviors at a time. I will loosen my grip, I will release my need to hold tight and I will be compassionate to one who still feels like she needs to hold on through difficulties.
Sometimes I feel like I’m missing myself and I seem to have lost me. This week, I watched a comedy special from Michelle Buteau and I was reading her fabulous book, Survival of the Thickest. I had a lot going on and those were both making me laugh and feel lighter. And then I felt this hole inside of me, this missing, and lack of connection.
It was me, calling to me, asking me to nourish and fill myself up with me. That missing feeling was guiding me to spend time with myself in ways that could address that lack. I’m doing that this morning and it feels much better.
There are so so many ways to spend one’s time, and it’s easy to miss the call from within about our own needs and what will help meet them. Especially when living a busy life with work, family, kids/pets/volunteering, etc.
During this time of healing, I am learning the importance of attuning to my mind, body and soul to notice my needs. I am learning that doing that helps regulate the nervous system and can help heal from emotional trauma through being the person that meets your needs.
It’s amazing how some things that meet my needs one day but not the next. I think that’s a way to help me tune in more deeply, instead of rotely going through the motions of taking care of myself. I am learning how to connect with myself and settle more into my body so that I can better feel into my needs. This is getting easier over time and seems like daunting and overwhelming and more like a healthy and nourishing habit. I used to TRY so hard to do everything right and now I’m learning to focus on tuning in and listening instead of rushing, fixing, pressuring and trying. One day at a time 💖.
And so, for the rest of the day, I’m going to pay attention to myself, rest, and allow myself to be exactly as I am, with some support from me. I wish you all the best with what your days bring you! And may kindness and compassion towards yourself be part of your days too!
I have been fighting for a long time. I’ve tried writing about my internal fight on this blog for over a year, but it hasn’t been the right time. Likely that’s because I am still learning about that fight, what it means, and how I can turn towards it with care and compassion instead of responding from fear.
My internal fighting feels very loud, confusing and scary. Am I fighting myself? The world? My past? Certain people? All people? My circumstances? My body and mind? Perhaps all of it?
This fighting has also caused a big divide within me, because I don’t want to think of myself as combative. I prefer to focus on the parts of me that I like, such as the funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding parts. But those fighting parts have been necessary. They don’t make me any less funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding. In fact, the internal battle has probably helped me further develop those more loving attributes because I’ve known what it’s like to have to fight to stay safe.
I’m writing this to help myself understand and so it may be a bumpy read, but that’s okay. It’s a bumpy life, isn’t it?
In the brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am learning from, they teach a lot about creating safety and trust by learning to be with your tough symptoms, feelings, sensations. They offer so many teachings that I’ve been slowly absorbing over the last several months, and over time, I’m feeling safer to take in those teachings and apply them to my life. As I apply them, it’s getting easier to know myself, especially aspects that have been too scary to know earlier.
And so this morning, I was feeling exhausted, nervous and unsure, so I sat with one of their practices about allowing what one is feeling to be here. Gosh, it was so nice. I am starting to understand how much I was responding to what I was feeling in my body with a fight or flight response. And this morning, I allowed those sensations, I allowed the fight and lack of safety to be there, and I witnessed it all. It was about a few minutes, and then I flipped to one of their teachings about the nervous system that I had been avoiding and it really helped me be so much more accepting of where I’m at. And that gives me more hope for my day to day life.
Side note: If you’re curious about the program or have any questions, feel free to write a comment or you can message me directly through my contact page. I learned about the program from the functional medicine specialist who is helping me with chronic fatigue syndrome.
End note: I am learning to respect that internal fight and maybe through allowing and witnessing my internal battle, I will cultivate more peace, safety and ease in my mind, body, heart and soul. Yes, that feels nice. May it be so, for me, for you and for the world.
Me and my new style of art with ferns, Ferns in Northern Lights, with a loving message at the bottom.
I have been stressed lately. More like STRESSED lately. A few upsetting things happened all at once, and they all had elements of uncertainty. Because I have chronic fatigue syndrome and a form of PTSD, any bit of stress really exhausts me and throws my tiny sliver of balance right off.
The more I’ve learned about trauma, the more I can feel, notice and see the impacts that stress has on my physical health. I have also learned that some of the ways that I’ve been coping with stress and difficult situations have had a negative impact on my health.
I realized yesterday that I could use this latest batch of life events as a way to practice using my new tools and awareness from therapy and the Primal Trust program I am following.
When I was talking to my therapist last week, she was so compassionate and helped me understand just how much I was dealing with. That made it safer for me to get to know some of my feelings, instead of keeping them locked away and compartmentalized for another time. I hadn’t even realized I was doing that. What started out as an amazing protective strategy that has helped me through many challenges is now going to keep me sick and make me sicker because it’s keeping the stress alarm ringing in my body.
My therapist asked me several questions to ask my belly, where I was experiencing the most discomfort. That gave me a chance to tune in, listen and give myself the gift of my own presence. It was really nurturing and it freed up the emotions to flow. I was really scared and I got to actually feel it, as opposed to being disassociated with my feelings. It was very healing.
That was a week ago. The last few days, I noticed that I was ahead of myself. I could literally feel my energy in front of my body instead of in it. I wasn’t sure what to do about it, but I recognized it was another protective strategy keeping me out of my body so I didn’t have to feel everything that was so scary and upsetting. I knew I needed to try something different, so I sketched out what I was doing. It was helpful to see a visual of it.
My sketches of what I was feeling inside as I explored how to handle the new challenges and the emotions they brought up
After I sketched these, I had a good cry and I talked to my husband about how I needed to experiment to find healthier ways to take care of myself through this latest challenge. That was helpful too.
This morning, I started at page 1 of my Primal Trust 40 day “Daily Regulate” program, and it helped me so much. Sometimes starting back at the beginning gives me a chance to see the same material from a new place and from a different perspective.
The first day is about the chronic stress response and how to address the nervous system instead of focusing on symptoms. It teaches about closing the eyes, putting a hand on the heart and asking questions like, “what am I feeling inside my body right now?” and “what am I thinking about that.”
I started my morning with this practice and I started crying right away after reading the first question. It was such a relief to read that question and to know that it was an important step in identifying my needs and feelings. It gave me a chance to tune in and be present with myself.
I think it was such a powerful practice because I was out of my body or my feelings were out of reach and the first question brought my awareness right into my body. It feels good to use this latest challenge as a chance to do things differently, to treat myself with more care, compassion and kindness and to ask for greater help and support as I go through this time.
Inhale. Ahhhh, exhale. Yes, I can do this. It will still be hard, but it will be easier as I take care of myself in new ways instead of just reacting from old stress patterns.
There is so much potential growth and healing in challenges, like creating new art that helps me process my emotions. The fern below is called Anxiety. It was painted with colors that I associate with nausea and being twisted up in knots inside. And it’s spiky because I used a rough brush and I love how rough the parts are outside of the fern. And the hollowness of the fern echoes that emptiness that can come inside from feeling overwhelmed by life.
And so, there it is. A chance for me to do things differently. To take care of myself. To connect with my body. To externalize my feelings through my words, art and asking for help. To know that I am worthy of taking care of myself and that it’s okay to feel scared and physically uncomfortable. I can be there for myself. Each day will be different, but even small efforts will make an impact.
I wish you so well and may you connect with what helps you through life’s challenges. Big hugs and thanks for reading, 💕💕 Bradlee
Well, sometimes my symptoms kick my ass. And today is one of those days. To be honest, the last few weeks have felt like this, I am just getting better at letting myself feel shitty instead of trying to overcome and fix everything I experience all the time.
I am practicing being with myself when my body is so uncomfortable or when I have racing, catastrophic thoughts, or both. It’s not super pleasant, but I am enjoying the new strength and resilience I feel at developing these skills. It sure beats trying to run away from or distract myself 🩷.
Lately, I’ve been writing about allowing myself to feel what’s going on within me and allowing the symptoms to be there. Today, I am getting great practice because I am so uncomfortable. All I can really do is acknowledge that this is my reality and be kind to myself.
I am using some of my tools to see which ones will help me hold space for this discomfort, but not hold it so tight that it can’t move through me and shift if that is what it is going to do. I am writing this as a way to acknowledge my experience and to soothe myself because writing almost always helps. But my eyes and head hurt and my cognitive capacity is pretty low, so I am going to keep it short ❤️.
I have been unwell for quite a while now, but through trauma informed therapy and nervous system rehabilitation, I am learning how to be here, in my body, with myself, while I am unwell. I am very grateful for that! I am feeling worse lately, and I almost wonder if that is in part because through allowing myself to be exactly as I am, then I am less in denial about the state of my health. And that allows me to better sense just how much chronic fatigue syndrome and healing from trauma are a huge part of my life (for now 🤞🏼💝).
One moment of witnessing my symptoms, one moment of speaking kindly to myself as I weep, and one moment of making a gentle, caring choice at a time.
May you be blessed with lots of care, a wonderful support system and lots of whatever you need today.
Instead of getting all riled up by my feelings, like I was earlier today, I wondered if it would help me to think of them like a little “check engine” light. Nothing personal, nothing to fix, get over, analyze or heal from, but an indicator that some care is needed.
If you’ve been reading my posts lately, I have been writing about my changing relationship with my most complex and challenging emotions and feelings. I am learning how to allow my feelings, how to stay present with them, and to feel them as opposed to focusing on the events from my past that they likely stemmed from.
So, this metaphor came to me tonight. What if resentment, for example, is like a “check engine” light or a “check oil” light. One that reminds me that I need care (not a car service, tee hee). And that likely I have been sacrificing myself or not meeting my needs. That seems pretty simple. I felt some serious resentment over the smallest thing this evening before I realized that the last few weeks have been challenging and I needed rest. When I thought of it this way, I didn’t feel as angry and resentful, but instead, it was super easy to tell myself I had done more than enough today and that I should lie down and watch TV. It made a big difference to my experience of those big feelings. It gave me a bit of separation from them and made me feel mature, grounded and able to take care of myself.
This realization helped me acknowledge more deeply that I haven’t been feeling great all week, and that I have been doing an excellent job experimenting with how to care for myself during this stressful week. It’s easy for me to feel like a victim, and choiceless, but in writing this post and reflecting, I see that through small actions and choices this week, I showed up for myself, even when I got super triggered, exhausted and overwhelmed.
I am open to exploring those big emotions as a “check engine” light that is here to help me meet my needs in each moment. Tonight, I need to get into bed early, read and go to sleep!
Note to readers: this post includes descriptions of my inner pain, trauma and learning how to allow all of me to be here. Please read with care 💖.
This morning I had a vision in my mind’s eye. I saw a paper with my inner narrative written on it, the one I formed while growing up.
I saw me trying to write over it to create more of what I wanted.
I saw the original words getting bigger, darker and they were working to ensure they could be seen and read.
To help me further process this very impactful vision, I recreated it in the images above. It was a very powerful experience to actually feel into the words and feelings for each stage above. It allowed me to understand myself better and to have more compassion for myself.
I have used a lot of willpower in my life to overcome my inner narrative and pain. I have had to work so hard to keep this up and its been exhausting trying to overwrite and escape from something that is within me. This morning I was lying in bed and reflecting that maybe the time had come to coexist with all aspects of me and my inner world.
This realization is really in keeping with what I am learning in my nervous system rehabilitation program – to build capacity to be with my most difficult emotions and experiences. To witness them and allow them instead of trying to rewrite my story each day (which is so so exhausting).
The more I learn about myself, and the more I decompress from a life of stress, not feeling safe and being in protection mode, the more empathy I have for myself. My physical and mental health have been on the decline, and it all makes so much sense the more I learn and process. How could I be thriving when so much of my life force energy is going into keeping me safe and worrying for the safety of my loved ones? Learning about trauma and the nervous system has helped me understand how I can’t just keep trying to rewrite my life. It’s so much more than just trying harder, having a positive attitude or using willpower.
And so, I will take a deep breath. I will acknowledge that I have been trying to force my way into my ideal inner experience of life, without realizing that I have been fighting with myself to get there. I breathe again. And again. And I feel the pain, vulnerability and hurt that I have inadvertently been pushing away because that’s how trauma works to keep me safe. And I breathe again.
I open my palms, side by side, to hold all the words on the pages above. I breathe deeply to have the courage to let them all exist, and occupy space within me. And I breathe to allow myself to feel it all and learn from all of those feelings and experiences and move forward together.
One step at a time, I am working towards my PhD in Being Me. I wish you so much ease, clarity and insight in your own journey with becoming an expert in being yourself.
With love and care, Bradlee
An art piece from nearly a year ago, about finding myself.
I am different lately. Turning 46 has been a big one for me. I am no longer a young person, I am closer to 50 than to 40, and I can tell that I view life differently than the youth I am around. My skin looks more wrinkly, my face looks older, and my body seems a bit more fragile.
I don’t think all is lost, but there is some grief for me during this time. I don’t have a young child anymore, and I won’t be walking down the street holding a tiny hand any longer (not that I have in years). I see young people who run down the street, so full of life and energy and I mourn the loss of my own youth and energy, although chronic fatigue syndrome plays a big role in that.
I look at my precious husband and hope we have so many more years of hand holding, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. And I wonder how long we will live in our cute little house in the country. I hope that our son will have his parents around for many, many more years to come. I look forward to cheering for him as he navigates and explores his life and how best to live it.
I am not lost in these feelings of grief and hope, rather they seem to flow in and out of my mind as I live my life. I am not trying to get away from the thoughts because grief and I have become friends over the years, and I know that it is a part of being a human, just as much as joy and love.
I have had such an amazing life up to now, despite all the hardships and things I could have done without, and the grief I feel honours this. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband and son, or such a quiet life in the country. I am so grateful for the innocence that I have within me, the grace and power too, and my big, huge belly laughs. None of that is over, but so much else feels like it is after turning 46. My internal suffering is easing slightly as I learn more what I need, and that is such a relief, but it may also be contributing to these feelings of grief. Who might I be without all this pain, anxiety, loneliness, exhaustion and sadness that I have felt for so long? I wonder 🌸🌟.
Well, to the me who came before, the one who is healing, the one who has never needed healing, and the me who is living today and every future day, I say, well done. You have made it. No matter what the future holds, I am with you. Every tear, every fear, every laugh, every wrinkle and every moment has brought me here, and I wouldn’t be me without it all. Grief and joy, all together, for this opportunity to live this exact life, even though I have tried to resist it and get away from it. I am here, learning to allow, to feel, to open my heart to it all.
Sometimes I feel the emotional pressure building up inside me, and I feel this urge to flee the pressure and the feelings. Sometimes I distract myself. But sometimes, I am brave and I turn toward it, instead of trying to get rid of it.
I have this pressure on the left side of my jaw that comes and goes. I learned recently that I can sit with that pressure and tell it, “I am here. I want to understand you, not force you or make you go away. I am here.” Apparently, when we lean in towards discomfort, it signals to our brain that the uncomfortable sensation is safe and not a threat.
That makes a lot of sense to me. I had done a lot of energy healing work in the early 2010s. It was incredibly helpful for me in many ways, but it was quite damaging in others. It ended up teaching me to try to get rid of any feeling in my body that wasn’t “of the light,” so I got scared of the heavy feelings and was always in a rush to do some healing process to get rid of it. I understand how energy healing (at least the way I was taught) really amplified the lack of safety I already had in my mind and body and made me more anxious. It also made me feel like I couldn’t be me, as I was, that I needed to keep striving for better and more healing.
Ah, hindsight, eh? The good news is I understand myself more now, and I have a greater sense of my needs and what works for me. So, the idea of turning towards physical and emotional discomfort with care, presence and allowing is very refreshing and exciting for me.
As a way of preparing myself better for future discomfort and being open and allowing, I am drafting some language I can draw on:
I am here for you and with you. You are welcome here.
I am with you and it’s a joy to be with you.
I love you and I am here. Thank you for being here, and thank you for teaching me how to be with you.
You are allowed to be here and I would love to get to know you.
I am here, is there anything you’d like me to know?
The important thing for me is not to try to say these things when I need them, but to actually feel curious, caring and compassionate and then offer those words above with those sentiments. Otherwise, I will just be covertly trying to fix or manage myself instead of giving myself a gift of care, allowing and compassion. I am going to experiment with this and see if I can truly feel into allowing in my body instead of just trying to do it with my thoughts.
I look forward to sharing an update in the future.
May you be well, and if you’re up for sharing, I’d love to hear what works for you ❤️❤️, Bradlee
Falling into life with open arms and a big yes in my heart
How beautiful is that image! Gosh, I love it! I painted that about a year ago, when I had been processing some big emotions and then I felt so free, like I could say yes to life. I felt like I was falling deeper into life with my arms wide open and the love was exploding out of me. It is such a beautiful and compelling visual for me.
I definitely don’t feel like that every day, not by any means. I sure would love to, as I remember times in my life where I felt safe to be me and how incrediby liberating it was. I’ve been through a lot and I’m learning more about the chronic stress response and the impacts of trauma, and my struggles make a lot more sense. It feels amazing to understand myself more, which is allowing me to relax more into being me with more compassion, kindness and patience.
I’m part of a program (primaltrust.org) that helps people with chronic illnesses learn about the chronic stress response and how they can take an active role in creating more safety in their body and nervous system. This past week, I am learning more about brain retraining and how with simple, micro-practices, over time, I should be able to build more safety, instead of mainly feeling, “I am not okay, this isn’t safe, etc.”
I got really excited about this practice where I get to focus on a “true self” proclamation. The idea is that I think of a time where I felt the most free, and imagine a world where I have always been supported, always allowed to be me, and completely free to be me, with no limits, boundaries or restrictions. And then describe what I feel like, in my truest self, in a few words. The idea is to reconnect with that essence and know that this part of me is what is leading me to greater healing and freedom.
Aparently by writing it out, speaking out those words, and saying them to myself in the mirror at least once a day can really help me have a stronger foundation for brain retraining. And it will probably help me feel more confident, even on days where I’m not feeling my best symptom wise.
I got excited learning about this mini-practice, and the painting above came to mind right away. I thought it would solidify this exercise for me to write about it on my blog.
I am kind
I am compassionate
I am powerful
I am free
I am full of light and love
I am strong
I feel happy thinking of these qualities that are within myself even when I am struggling with symptoms from my physical and mental health struggles. It makes me feel like I am supported from deep down, and that I am not alone in my life. If I had done this 15 years ago, I would not have been able to come up with this list by feeling into it. I was so closed off, so hurt inside and so lonely, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine my true self, or find words to describe it.
And so, if you’re there today, I send you a big hug. Primal Trust encourages people to think of a time when they felt most free or if they can’t find one to make it up for this micro-practice (apparently imagination and visualization are super helpful for brain retraining, I still have more to learn about it before I share anything more). Wherever you are in this moment is perfectly valid, and I say the same to myself! We all need to start somewhere, and our journey to healing is unique to each of us, but our humanity unites us and allows us to learn from each other’s experiences.
Thanks for reading, may we all get to know our true selves and feel supported by their qualities 🌸🌟🌸💖, Bradlee
PhD in Being Me 