PhD in Being Me

Tag: mental health

  • What about me?

    There is this little and sometimes quite loud voice inside me that whispers or yells, “What about me?”

    A short video to help explain the concepts in this post. May it help you connect with yourself in helpful ways ♥️

    I was listening to a super compassionate meditation on Insight Timer from the Biomedical Institute of Yoga and Meditation and I heard “What about me?” from inside me, quite loudly. For the rest of the day my body hurt and I was completely exhausted. This voice speaks for all the times I felt cast aside, abused, neglected, and forced. It represents so much unprocessed pain about certain aspects of my life. Part of getting a PhD in Being Me is learning to honor and care for yourself when feeling your worst. I felt so terribly, I was feeling more like I was in kindergarten compared to working on a PhD ❤️.

    A day later, I still felt that “What about me” presence. It felt heavy, painful and nearly frantic. To be honest, I can understand those feelings. Listening to that beautiful meditation triggered some of my most traumatic memories and helped me to understand how much pain they truly caused. I honor my “What about me” self. It has good reason to whisper and yell, and it is very justified in coming forward to affirm its presence and role in my life.

    Here I am, feeling so heavy, so unsure of how to hold myself while I acknowledge and feel the pain and anger and exhaustion this part of me has been carrying by herself. I slow down, take deep breaths and follow what my mind, heart and body are asking me to do. I write this post. I listen to beautiful music by Destined Dynamics. I cry and tell my husband about my fears and hurt. By doing these things, I create more space for this bruised, broken, hurt and victimized part of me.

    Going forward, I will hold her and me, until our breath and voices unite and we are together as one. I will look in the mirror and see my pain and my resilience and smile. I will feel the pain inside me. I will rise up because the root has showed me how to pull her out of that infertile garden and plant her in my heart, where I can nurture her with the sunlight and rains of my care and attention. I love you Miss What About Me. You matter and you are worthy. Thank you for revealing yourself to me, please teach me how best to care for you.

    If you are working through living with a chronic physical or mental health condition (I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety), or are working through trauma of any kind, I see you and I am with you. You matter and I wish you so much ease, love, gentleness and care. Big hugs.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Protecting innocence

    A heartfelt video from me and our 4 week old chicks

    A few weeks ago, I wrote about the death of one of our 2 day old baby chicks: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/06/02/making-peace-with-suffering/

    It really broke my heart to watch her suffering, yet I knew she was teaching me alot.  In the video above, I talk about the baby chicks and how they exude innocence and purity.  They look at me and I can feel my anger, tension and rigidity melt away. 

    I have been reflecting on that innocence and purity.  We are all born that way, and circumstances in life can lead us to bury or hide that away.  I know it was like that for me, and I first really understood what I was missing when I was 35 years old: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/09/05/innocence/

    Those precious babies help remind me that we all have that innocence within us, and I want to nurture and protect it in others.  I have times when I am upset or tired, and I forget to speak directly to the innocence in others, and I also forget my own.  On days when I feel good and I separate out someone’s actions from their innocence, I feel like a superhero. Speaking to someone’s innocence instead of responding to their actions is a true gift.

    Today, I am having a hard time with that concept, but I am trying regardless. I am trying to nurture my innocence instead of judging myself for my behavior. Today, I am in need of more love, care, and patience, and I am doing my best to give that to myself. May we all be blessed with an abundance of patience, inspiration, and infinite love to share with the innocence in all hearts, especially our own. Big hugs!

    One of our 4 week old baby chicks
    Look at this sweetie!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Shattered Innocence

    A dead flower with snow in the background.
    Photo by Eva Bronzini on Pexels.com

    Sometimes life is just so disappointing, so much so that one’s heart breaks and it feels like all the good inside has died. This poem is about those types of day. As I wrote it, it felt very sad and angry. As I kept writing, I felt like my shattered innocence was giving me a different way to view those disappointments and shattering. Can you see the shift or feel in the poem too? Xoxoxo

    Thanks for reading!

    Shattered Innocence – a poem

    I greeted today with an open heart and much excitement.

    I try to approach every day like that, to be the one who brings love to the world, to the little moments, to every moment.

    It gets impossible though when life seems to want to crush that from within me.

    When it shares the most horrendous secrets of humanity with me and my innocence shatters and expires before I can even react to protect it.

    Humanity seems to have this festering abscess right on it’s heart and it’s wanting to burst open and ooze it’s putrescence over everything.

    I want to rage and scream and stop all of the suffering. I want to slap people and tell them to wake up, to stop, to appreciate life, to appreciate the good in it all. To see how much trauma, suffering and awfulness there is and to choose love. To stop spewing vile hatred and to start the healing.

    AAAARGHHHHH.

    Purest, delicate beauty.

    Tender innocence.

    Soft, gentle and caring heart.

    So perfect, so beautiful and so vulnerable to this world’s vile acts of hatred and suffering.

    Oh my tender, tender innocence.

    I wish I could protect you better, and wrap you up in a soft blanket, like I would a precious newborn, to keep you safe from all the suffering in this world.

    Now that we’ve reconnected, I don’t want to lose you all over again to the darkness and horrendous pain that is spewing out of humanity’s abscess of pain and torture and hatred.

    I see it pulsating and getting thinner just as it explodes sending shards of pain, torture and hatred everywhere.

    I want to shelter you, protect you and stop this hurting you feel.

    Is there anything I can do for you?

    Is there any way I can support you better when you are exposed to such negativity, suffering and unconscionable things?

    Oh, you want to be tucked into my heart for bedtime?

    You’d like me to read you a nice story and remind you of the good in the world?

    Okay, precious one, let’s do that. You are so beautiful, resilient and courageous.

    Please continue to teach me how to nurture you and look after you when you shatter.

    I’m so grateful to learn that the shattering isn’t permanent.

    Thank you for teaching me dearest innocence.

    Thank you.

    An early spring morning sunset
    After writing this, I felt renewed and ready for the day. Just like this beautiful sun rising up in the morning.

  • Shutting down

    Image of a black swirling staircase
    Photo by Robin Schreiner on Pexels.com

    I shut down sometimes.

    Sometimes I shut others out.

    Sometimes it feels like I’m shutting myself out.

    Shutting down.

    Is it a healthy coping mechanism?

    No, I don’t really think so.

    Is it okay that I do it?

    Ya, I think so.

    Sometimes my computer just gets that loading circle right when I’m in the middle of doing something. I guess I’m like that sometimes too, I just need time and space to breathe deeply, to allow myself to process what’s going on and to fortify myself for responding to myself and life in the healthiest, most loving and respectful ways possible.

    Am I haunted by echoes of the pain of being shut out by others? Yes.

    Can learning to embrace my need to shut down help me look at that pain with more compassion, empathy and understanding? Yes.

    Here I am, smiling and knowing that it is okay, that I am okay, that I am doing great and that with each realization, the self-judgement lessens, the need to be this perfect person dissolves and I can breathe deeply, embrace my humanity, love the me I am, the me I was and the me I will be.

    May we all allows ourselves to be, to breathe, and to know that with every moment, we are learning, growing and exactly as we are meant to be.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • From Anxiety to Empowerment

    Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

    I am sensitive, easily stressed and anxious. I am also growing and learning and finding new ways to care for the wonderfully sensitive person I am.

    As I reflect back on my life, I see how many times I didn’t know I had options. I would just be anxious and sit in that for a long time. I often related to myself and life from a very disempowered and victim-like place. In the last months, I have been growing more empowered as I learn more options for responding to life. Am I an expert yet? No! Does it feel awesome when I first remember that I have choices and then actually explore them? Yes!

    I am very fortunate to have had an opportunity to talk with a therapist from the Kemptville Stress Relief Centre. She gave me some excellent advice that seemed to have opened up a dormant part of my being. I was asking about how to set my kid up for success in life and she empowered me so I could empower my kid. It was really awesome. More specifically, she encouraged me to do some research about my areas of concern, talk to my kid about them, work together to find solutions and agree to check in with each other regularly. It seemed so simple and so much more effective than just worrying without any action.

    Since that time, I have been noticing that I feel more confident and empowered, and less anxious as a result. It’s amazing to remind myself of how capable I am and that I don’t have to feel like a victim when I give myself space and time to consider options, consult experts, talk about my feelings, talk to my family or friends, etc. I understand that it will take time to let this sink in and for this new way of being to be my default. In the meantime, I pledge to recognize my anxiety and explore my options so I can become more empowered.

    Does this resonate with you? Have you also felt anxious and stuck like a victim? What have you done to move forward with respect and care for yourself? I am excited to be at this place in my life, better late than never, eh?

    Thanks for reading! And big hugs to you! I love and honor you as you become an expert in being your lovely self!

    A blue rectangle with gold dust on the sides, with the words, "With every breath you take, may you be empowered."

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.