Befriending my emotions and welcoming them into my life is the more recent step I am taking in my healing journey. It’s taken me a lot of work, self-care, awareness, time and self-love to get here. I am so proud of how I’m building connections within myself.
When I reach toward uncomfortable feelings and emotions, I feel a bit scared. These are often super strong emotions that I have done my best, as a coping strategy, to keep separate and shoved down.
Creating art to hold my big feelings and the ones that were difficult to even admit to, let alone feel, has been a blessing for me. It’s been so critical for me in building the capacity to be a witness to myself, my feelings and experiences. Having my feelings contained on a piece of paper has also helped me increase my strength and resilience. Art has helped me build bridges within myself and helped me to start healing from how much I pushed myself to keep going and working even though I was so sick. It’s also helping me build trust and greater respect for myself and within myself.
And so, I am sharing my latest art piece and poem that are a part of my “allowing my feelings” journey. I sat with my feelings and told them they were allowed to stay and that I would love to understand them, but no pressure. I learned from primaltrust.org that I could visualize my feelings as art as I allow them, and this piece below is what I saw and felt. A maelstrom of hysteria, surrounded by my light, holding, witnessing and allowing it to whirl, spin and share its messages with me. I used a typewriter to type out the words I heard within the storm and I inadvertently typed them out in the shape of a tornado.
It’s been very healing to make this art, and to write this post about my feelings. My hope is that the strength of that inner storm will lessen as I hold space for it and start to understand its needs.
Thank you for reading my posts and for journeying with me as I work towards being the kindest and most compassionate expert in being me. Maybe one day I will get my PhD in Being Me 🥰🥰.
I am different lately. Turning 46 has been a big one for me. I am no longer a young person, I am closer to 50 than to 40, and I can tell that I view life differently than the youth I am around. My skin looks more wrinkly, my face looks older, and my body seems a bit more fragile.
I don’t think all is lost, but there is some grief for me during this time. I don’t have a young child anymore, and I won’t be walking down the street holding a tiny hand any longer (not that I have in years). I see young people who run down the street, so full of life and energy and I mourn the loss of my own youth and energy, although chronic fatigue syndrome plays a big role in that.
I look at my precious husband and hope we have so many more years of hand holding, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. And I wonder how long we will live in our cute little house in the country. I hope that our son will have his parents around for many, many more years to come. I look forward to cheering for him as he navigates and explores his life and how best to live it.
I am not lost in these feelings of grief and hope, rather they seem to flow in and out of my mind as I live my life. I am not trying to get away from the thoughts because grief and I have become friends over the years, and I know that it is a part of being a human, just as much as joy and love.
I have had such an amazing life up to now, despite all the hardships and things I could have done without, and the grief I feel honours this. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband and son, or such a quiet life in the country. I am so grateful for the innocence that I have within me, the grace and power too, and my big, huge belly laughs. None of that is over, but so much else feels like it is after turning 46. My internal suffering is easing slightly as I learn more what I need, and that is such a relief, but it may also be contributing to these feelings of grief. Who might I be without all this pain, anxiety, loneliness, exhaustion and sadness that I have felt for so long? I wonder 🌸🌟.
Well, to the me who came before, the one who is healing, the one who has never needed healing, and the me who is living today and every future day, I say, well done. You have made it. No matter what the future holds, I am with you. Every tear, every fear, every laugh, every wrinkle and every moment has brought me here, and I wouldn’t be me without it all. Grief and joy, all together, for this opportunity to live this exact life, even though I have tried to resist it and get away from it. I am here, learning to allow, to feel, to open my heart to it all.
Art that was inspired by the most exhausted parts of my being
It’s hard to explain just how exhausting it is to have chronic fatigue syndrome. It’s taken me years to really and truly understand that rest doesn’t cure this type of exhaustion. It is much deeper than a lack of rest. It is an exhaustion down to the cellular and soul levels.
Before I get much further in my writing, I’d like to acknowledge that this represents my experience and no one else’s. I know others who have chronic fatigue syndrome and there are some similarities between us, but important differences too. There are some people who don’t have even a tiny fraction of the limited energy that I do, which I can fathom from my worst days, weeks and months, but can’t truly understand 💖. I hope that my words find those who need to read them and that each person with chronic fatigue be surrounded and filled with so much help, support, compassion, healing and love from inside and out.
For me, chronic fatigue is like living at the speed that a turtle or snail needs to go at, not fast, but just slow and steady. Sloths are also super cute and make me feel better about the pace I need to do things at.
Another analogy for chronic fatigue is when a computer runs in energy saving mode, the screen is a bit darker, things move slower, all in an effort to conserve. And it stays in that mode, because the charger can only replenish the computer battery so much for some reason. That’s probably the closest comparison. Physical and cognitive tasks really drain my battery, and experiencing big emotions do too, so I’m often working to maintain some sliver of balance or to regain balance whenever I can.
There have been days/weeks/months where I needed to lie down so I could breathe deeply enough or so that I would have enough energy to digest my food. Some days I can run errands, and it takes a toll on me, but accomplishing something and getting to smile at people is so worth it. Other days, I avoid the grocery store where I have to pack my own bags because it’s too tiring for me to do it.
Some days, I can sit up for quite a few hours, but I need to find ways to recline, lean back, rest my head or lie flat. If I don’t, I start to feel weak, light headed, dizzy, anxious and overwhelmed. If I use my muscles too much, like with gardening, or household chores, then I feel weak and vulnerable for 2-3 days afterwards. I can do gentle exercise for 10 minutes or less, depending on the day, and I can dance! As long as it’s only one or two songs where I really have a kick ass party! Then I tone it down and just enjoy myself instead of full on dancing because it’s too tiring.
Sometimes the thought of cooking a meal for myself or my family is too tiring and I need to lie down and ask for help. That is definitely something I have struggled with, but I am slowly getting better at doing this! I am a (recovering) people pleaser, perfectionist and high achiever, so admitting where I am with my health has been hard for me. I continued to work way past the time it was healthy for me to do so, and that’s all been part of my journey towards being kind to myself, acknowledging my reality and learning how to meet my needs instead of force, belittle or coerce myself.
Today, I was walking with the dogs, which is so good for my overall health, but I had to cut it much shorter because I could feel the exhaustion in my muscles. The dogs weren’t happy about it, but I’m learning with each experience to trust myself to meet my needs and to stay within my capacity. I learned recently that overexerting myself actually slows any potential healing from chronic fatigue syndrome. How about that! I had been pushing myself way past my capacity for years.
Every once in a while, I have to stay in bed for a few hours, half the day or just make sure I lie down around the house for the majority of the day. Today is definitely an exhausted, take it easy kind of day, which I’m getting better at relaxing into. Oddly enough, I feel worse if I lie down the whole day. Doing a small chore, gentle dancing or lymphatic massage makes a big difference to the quality of my exhausted days and creates more flow inside of me.
I thought it might be helpful for me to write more about what it feels like for me to have chronic fatigue. I also thought it might help anyone who is wanting to learn more about it too. Writing about my experience of life gives it validity and importance, and that is really special for me. After so many years of being so hard on myself, it feels good to ease into who I am, all of me, regardless of where I am with my health. It reminds me that I am okay despite my health challenges and that I am very worthy regardless.
If you’re like me and you’ve been shamed for having a sensitive body and soul, then I send you big care and lots of hugs. It’s totally okay to be sensitive and to have lived through some really tough things. I am learning how to care for myself instead of continuing that shame. May you be super supported by friends, family (chosen or blood), health care professionals, mental health professionals and anyone else who can shine a light on your awesomeness and help you in the ways that you need. And most importantly, may you learn what your needs are and may you feel empowered to take big or small or baby steps to start meeting them. That is how we’ll truly earn our own PhDs in Being Me, each of us learning more and more about who we are, what we need and learning to do that for our sweetie selves.
I send you lots of care and smiles. Thanks for reading and may you be well 💖🌟❤️,
Bradlee
Some caring art I made for the vulnerable parts within me when I needed some reassurance and love
At some point during the last several years, I started looking down when I walked to make sure I wouldn’t trip or fall. I have been very delicate and vulnerable mentally and physically so looking down makes sense, even though I have been far from an age where a fall would have been catastrophic.
I knew I was doing this, but I hadn’t realized just how much that was reflecting how I felt in the world. How I needed to watch out, be careful and keep an eye out for potential hazards.
In the fall of 2025, I did an exercise my art therapist suggested to help me focus a bit more outward. I was nailing the “meeting my needs” bit and she suggested I look more broadly at my needs from a physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social perspective. I wrote about my initial efforts with this homework in September https://phdinbeingme.ca/2025/11/10/boundaries/.
Since that time, I notice that it is easier to look up when I am walking. Easier to notice aspects of my life that have been neglected due to my health limitations. Easier to see more of me and life’s possibilities, even while I am unwell with chronic fatigue syndrome and mental health challenges.
And so, I am finding it easier to remember to look up and ahead, to remember that I am more than my tough days, and that I have survived each tough day so far, and I can do it again. I can work, slowly but surely, to create safety in my body, mind and heart and celebrate when I give myself kindness and compassion. I can write what’s in my heart because sharing stories matters and reminds us that we are all connected in our humanity, even if our experiences are different.
Wherever you are, whether you are looking down or upward, I send you smiles, care and kindness!
Well, here I am. I really feel like writing, and celebrating the desire to write.
I went for a cold, sunny sky walk with the dogs and I was filled with so much love and possibilities. I was given an opportunity to see the extent of the possibilities of my life in spite of my physical and mental health challenges.
I’ve been learning how to ride the waves of my emotions instead of being pulled into every feeling I have. I was flooded with fear just when I was passing a wide field with a horse and two cows and a tall tree full of singing birds. There was no immediate danger that I could see, in fact it was a beautiul scene, but I was terrified. For the first time, I felt that fear coursing through my body and was able to see the beauty around me. The horse was peeking around the wall of his shelter and was staring right at me. I held his eyes and then looked at the cute cows, and knew that I could be okay despite the intense feelings in my body.
Slowly but surely, and I mean slowly (!), I am learning how to build up my capacity to feel my feelings, and to be stressed and to know that I am okay despite it all. I’m also learning how to ride the waves of extreme fatigue that I have with chronic fatigue syndrome and to know that I’ll live through it. Being exhausted for years has really stressed out every aspect of my beingness. I am so grateful for my therapists, health care professionals and for the Primal Trust program, which is all about healing from the chronic stress response.
I’m focusing on celebrating my wins, crying when I need to, knowing that I can create trust within myself as I learn to tend to my nervous system and body in new ways. It’s taken a lot of tough living for me to get here, and I’m so loved, supported and cared for, so my hope for my future is justified.
I’m getting my PhD in Being Me each day that I listen to my body and mind and tune into my needs. I used to think that if I could do everything perfectly, everything would be fine. Now I see that it’s more about being who I am, exactly as I am, meeting myself where I’m at, learning, being patient, asking for help and loving myself.
I hope that you are inspired by what you need each day to get your very own Phd in Being You, because no one else is you and you are very worthy of caring for yourself and being supported.
Honestly, have you ever seen a more relaxed dog? Archie is such a sweet cutie pie. I love this photo of him. It’s not the best photo of Robbin and I, but it sure showcases how relaxed, happy and at ease he is.
Archie teaches me and reminds me to take the pressure off myself. I sometimes forgot to be compassionate to myself while I’m on this journey of living with chronic fatigue syndrome. He is so relaxed, playful and goofy and he helps me get out of the worries for my future just by being his cute self.
He doesn’t care if I have chronic fatigue syndrome or not. He just wants to be pet, walked, played with and fed delicious food. And so, I thought I’d take the pressure off myself and think about what I want out of daily life. Maybe that will help me see that chronic fatigue isn’t actually preventing me from having a full life, but more that it’s my beliefs about it that are.
And so, here it is, what I want out of life:
Rest for my tired body
Quality time with my husband and son
A walk with the dogs
Chances to connect with friends and family
Mental stimulation from a good book, learning, a puzzle or other games, or a great show/movie
Opportunities throughout the day to create safety for my nervous system
Preparing and eating delicious food
Doing a chore or two for our wonderful home and belongings
That actually is pretty simple, isn’t it? I get all of that, every day. Isn’t that miraculous? Sometimes it really is just my perception of life with chronic fatigue that colors my experience. I’ll do my best to remember that! In fairness to me though, it is difficult to enjoy doing some of these things when I have so little energy or when my other symptoms are super strong. So some days, even though I get to do the things that make me happiest, it is just hard with how tired I feel. Okay, good, I’m glad I’m taking a balanced approach with this realization or else I’d just be putting more pressure on myself to enjoy every day, even on days where making a meal is too tiring.
And so, wherever you are, and whatever life is bringing you in terms of joys and challenges, may you be well, and may it be easy for you to reflect on what is good in your life and give yourself a hug for whatever is hard. A bit of both is a recipe for compassion, kindness and grace.
No matter what your life experience has been or is today, it all counts. And it all matters. You matter.
Even if you wish things could have been different or if you’ve just figured out something that has been impacting your whole life, you matter and it all counts as valid life experience. Your life is precious. Your story matters. Your experience matters, especially if others have told you that you don’t matter or that you just needed to get over yourself.
I love connecting with people and hearing their stories. I love listening, asking questions, holding space and sharing. We all have such different experiences and perspectives and there is something magical when two people can sit and be witnesses for each other’s lives. One of the hardest parts of having chronic fatigue syndrome is not having the energy to do this as often as I would like. Instead, it’s been teaching me to do the same for myself. To hold space for me, and to be a witness for what is ready to be shared.
As I’ve been doing this, I’ve been seeing just how valid my life is, regardless of how unwell I’ve been. All of my life experience counts, none of it is less important or valid because I’ve been struggling. I wanted to write to share this message in case you needed it too 💖.
I am turning 46 next week and I have spent most of my life trying to be what others have told me I should be or what I felt I needed to be to be safe and to survive. This morning, I was feeling sad about my relationship with my dog and how it’s been rather tumultous because of my past. I love her dearly so I was hugging her and thanking her for sticking with me and being such a dedicated teacher. She’s been helping me reach some of the most hurt parts of myself.
Anyway, I was petting her and loving her and I realized that all of our experiences together count. It all counts, even if it’s been messy. I’ve been trying so hard to overcome my patterning and trauma and she’s been right there with me, encouraging me and being patient with me as she kept pushing me to get there. One day, I really think I’ll write a mini-book about my relationship with precious Maggie, but for now, I wanted to share how she inspired me to see that I haven’t lost anything. I don’t have to make up for lost time or try to catch up. Our relationship has been exactly what it’s needed to be and she is okay with that. She has held space for me to grieve, rage, grow, heal and do it all over again for the last 10 years. It all counts. She came into my life for a reason and it all counts.
And so, I take a deep breath and let it out. And again. I smile. I hug myself. And I know that there is peace in the messy and in my unraveling. No matter how you are doing, please know that you count, your life matters, all of it counts and all of you counts.
Peace be with you 🌟♥️🌟♥️, Bradlee
This is me and part of Maggie from yesterday, she is a precious cutie pie.
A winter piece of art that I made to help me connect to the stillness and silence in a winter forest
I am here, and I am with myself 💕. I feel so soothed whenever I say to myself, “I am here and I am with you.” Sometimes, I even cry, like a part of me has just really needed to hear that, and it allows any stuck emotions or stress to release and flow.
I am participating in a program that helps people with chronic illnesses. It teaches about the chronic stress response and how that affects the nervous system, which can impact the body’s ability to heal. It is full of science, which is right up my alley, along with tools to help self-regulate the nervous system.
This program, Primal Trust, is another tool in my journey of helping myself. I have been living with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time now, and I am sometimes so tired of being tired. Primal Trust has live and recorded classes and it is so heart warming to see people from all over the world. The course material, teachers, and other participants help me feel validated, seen and understood, and is furthering my ability to do that for myself too.
I am learning about how to connect to my sense and feelings of inner okayness, which feels good. I used to feel much better, and I have missed connecting to myself in that way. Today, I did one of the tools to help retrain my stress response, and I was able to make it my own so that it felt authentic. It made my body and heart feel more alive and like I was more present for myself. Gosh, that was nice.
I was here, sitting, breathing, connecting and being here, with myself and for myself. It helped me more fully recognize how far I am from the healthy version of myself. The practices I have been learning over the past year in therapy are slowly helping me understand the different parts of me and thst each is valid and worthy of compassion.
I am learning about pacing myself and taking a more gentle, slow and steady approach to life and my healing. Apparently there is scientific evidence to support the pacing approach to healing chronic fatigue syndrome. I am so used to pushing and pressuring myself, so this continues to be a challenge for me, but its a worthy one ❤️❤️.
And so, I am here and I am with myself. Regardless of any tools and practices I learn, I hope I remember that I am enough, that giving myself the gift of my presence, care, touch, love and compassion are the most important. And, living my life and enjoying it instead of only focusing on getting better.
Here I am, writing, reflecting, smiling and sharing. Thanks for reading, may you be well and may you relax more into your sweetie self today.
Lately, I have been wondering more about the purpose of life. The longer I live, 45 years so far, the more I think it is about breathing each breath, being there, as a companion for myself, while I live my life.
I have lived through so many moments when I have felt desperately alone or sad. It used to be so hard to survive those times, like I was drowning, but didn’t know how to ask for help. Now, I am learning to tap the part of me who feels that way on the shoulder, to say, hey, I’m with you, you aren’t alone. I did that today, and I felt that part of me relax and notice me. It was a brief connection, but it made a difference.
I am unlearning, healing, relearning and repeating it all over again so I can thrive again. I may have chronic fatigue syndrome for the rest of my life, but if I learn new ways to cope and heal physically and mentally, maybe it’ll be easier to be me going forward. For now, I’ll breathe each breath, turn inward and befriend my most hurt parts and hope for the best.
PhD in Being Me 