I am feeling empty Hollow I exist only as a shell of myself
I can feel the need to look for me On Facebook, Instagram, in the eyes of another In writing this blog post
I have been here before It is lonely and vacuous And nothing I think, do, eat, or consume seems to touch it or fill me back up
So I rest I lie down I listen to my self-love playlist I close the door and spend time with my shell I breathe and watch my belly rise and fall I smile because why not And know I will feel better through being kind to myself instead of running away and trying to find me on the outside
I want to blame others for how I feel But I know how I am feeling is no one's fault It is a simple signal to stop, breathe, be with myself and pull out of the endless cycle of doing and consuming more
With every breath I take today, May I nourish, rejuvenate, and revitalize all parts of me May the echoes of my self-care reach you, no matter where you are or how you feel May we all turn inwards to find our peace and ourselves Big hugs and deep beautiful breaths to you
Living with chronic fatigue syndrome can be quite confusing and hard. I remember being a student athlete, working full time and working on a Master’s degree in another city, and other wonderful examples of having energy. I also know that having this medical condition has taught me so much about myself and has given me a chance to know myself better and to heal some big wounds.
I can only write about my experience of chronic fatigue syndrome, and my experiences will likely be different from those of others. I acknowledge, honor, and respect everyone with a chronic condition, no matter how their symptoms manifest.
The thing I struggle with the most is not comparing myself to others who aren’t constantly tired. I look at the volunteers in my community and how hard they work, and I am in awe and jealous all at once. Chronic fatigue syndrome has taught me to focus on my own experience of life more. To notice how it feels to live the life I have, even when I sometimes want it to be different.
I don’t have control over if I get better (believe me, I have tried), but I do have control over the choices I make each day. I can choose to notice that my head hurts and I am feeling nauseous. Both of those are my precious body’s way of saying, “hey, rest is what I need, not more doing.” Being respectful of myself means listening to my body, honoring any emotions I feel about needing to lie down, and giving myself permission to rest in a world that is so very busy.
I have struggled with this a lot and am much kinder to myself now. I still whine and moan sometimes because my emotional maturity level goes down the more tired I get. Despite this, I am proud of how much easier it is for me to make choices that are in my best interests. I am proud of myself for developing boundaries and finding the courage to speak up about them. I am proud of myself for developing a stronger sense of self worth despite having this condition. I would still like to get better at not comparing my energy to others and not judging myself, but I recognize I am getting better at this. I have such a wonderful life, I don’t want to miss out on it just because I am chronically tired. May we all be blessed with knowing when rest is best and with the ability to be so kind to ourselves.
I dedicate this post to my beautiful body for teaching me about when rest is best and to chronic fatigue syndrome for helping me polish my interior and exterior so I can shine brighter than ever before despite this condition. May we all be blessed to know how life is always here to help us, even when life isn’t how we want it to be. Big hugs!
PhD in Being Me 