PhD in Being Me

Tag: self-growth

  • To the many me’s who came before – a letter

    An art therapy piece with a painting of a young Bradlee with colors all around her and supportive words

    Hey Bradlees!

    You are so very special and important to me.  I am sitting outside as the sun is setting and I thought of writing you all a letter to let you know how awesome you are and have always been.

    You were such a sweet, innocent and excited child.  Sensitive, easily overwhelmed and confused by the ways of the world, but no less precious for it.  From the beginning you were someone who could sense the undercurrent in life and you wanted to help others who felt it like you did. I’m still like that now, I hope you’d be proud of the person I’ve become.

    You really loved being at school – you were good at it and you had such wonderful friends.  All the schools you went to helped you feel like you belonged and you mattered, thank goodness for that.  I remember how in elementary school you would get everyone to sing songs on school trips.  I remember your first kiss with Mark and how the whole school was talking about it.  You were tough when you needed to be, but very soft, caring and sensitive, and confused about how to make things work with friends, with young romances and how to get things right so you could feel safe.

    I remember the heartbreaks of a boy, Chris, choosing Sonia over you.  I remember going to a different high school than my good friends and thinking that meant they didn’t like me any more.  Oh, how young life was confusing, but the truth is, it still is.  I’m 46 and the difference is that I have more experience now, but life is still complex.

    Gosh, so much time has passed.  You’ve had so many incredible opportunities and friendships and some very deeply traumatic times.  Please know that thanks to you, and everything you’ve learned, overcome and experienced, I am the person I am today.  I treaure and appreciate you.  Thank you for everything you went through.  Thanks for all the hard lessons you learned.  Thank you for leading with your values even before you knew that you were. 

    I think of all the me’s who came before and I am grateful for you all.  The one who was exhausted but signed up for a work opportunity anyway, which ended up leading to a 24 year career (with parental and disability breaks) in another city. The me who was so fed up with dating loser guys and signed up for match.com, and found the love of her life.  Well done, you!   The one who trusted her intuition time and time again while parenting, despite all the pressures and advice from many different corners.  The one who knew it was time to apply for disability leave even though she was scared, my goodness, thank you.  

    To the me who recognized how shy she was and decided to perform at an open mic night at a comedy club just to prove to herself that she didn’t need to be shy.  And you killed it!  That was awesome!  To the me who wrote a poetry book about grief to raise money and awareness in her community and loved it so much that she co-created a second book with members of her grief community as a caring resource.  All while being exhausted, but it filled me up in ways that were so so welcomed and needed.  Nicely done!!  

    You have so much to be proud of.  I know things have been hard and it’s easy to focus on that, and this letter is my way of celebrating all the greatness and goodness that has been there through the hard times.  You are so incredible at uplifting others and helping them feel seen, I hope this letter makes you feel the same.  You are very worthy of being seen.  Your words matter.  Your life matters.  You matter, and I love and appreciate you.

    Thank you for getting me to here, I’m so excited for what’s next.  I raise a glass to all the me’s who came before and ask you all to join me in moving forward together, more healed, whole and integrated than ever before.  Here’s to us!

    Xoxoxo, love lots, Bradlee 🌈🩷🌟

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Empathy is my super power

    A beautiful sunset sky with purple, yellow, pink and orange clouds.

    The other day, I was having a conversation at work, and I said some very wise words that helped me to know that empathy is my superpower.

    We were talking about some people who seem superhuman because they can work 16 hour days for long periods of time. My colleague seemed like they were judging themselves for not being able to do that, and I said something like,

    You have superhuman powers at work even if you don’t work 16 hour days. You bring empathy, compassion, and understanding to your employees, and that is a superpower.

    I could tell it helped my colleague for me to recognize their awesomeness and it sure helped me. It is easy for me to judge myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome and for not having bountiful amounts of energy. It isn’t always easy to remember the wonderful ways that I contribute to the lives of those around me thanks to my empathy, compassion and understanding. I was grateful for a chance to be reminded of that.

    Living with empathy and leading with kindness and compassion are true bad ass ways of living. It is much easier to judge others, push them away or to “other” them. I know that because over the last 20 years I have been unlearning those habits and have been opening up to the wellspring of light, love, care and compassion that were always within me, just waiting to be discovered.

    If you are reading this, I am smiling at you! I am encouraging you and cheering you on! What might your superpower be? Are you up for taking a moment to acknowledge the good you do just by being exactly as you are?

    If you don’t know what your superpower is yet, may you have a joyful time discovering it. May you get a PhD in Being You each and every day as you get to know yourself better.

    I send you big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • What about me?

    There is this little and sometimes quite loud voice inside me that whispers or yells, “What about me?”

    A short video to help explain the concepts in this post. May it help you connect with yourself in helpful ways ♥️

    I was listening to a super compassionate meditation on Insight Timer from the Biomedical Institute of Yoga and Meditation and I heard “What about me?” from inside me, quite loudly. For the rest of the day my body hurt and I was completely exhausted. This voice speaks for all the times I felt cast aside, abused, neglected, and forced. It represents so much unprocessed pain about certain aspects of my life. Part of getting a PhD in Being Me is learning to honor and care for yourself when feeling your worst. I felt so terribly, I was feeling more like I was in kindergarten compared to working on a PhD ❤️.

    A day later, I still felt that “What about me” presence. It felt heavy, painful and nearly frantic. To be honest, I can understand those feelings. Listening to that beautiful meditation triggered some of my most traumatic memories and helped me to understand how much pain they truly caused. I honor my “What about me” self. It has good reason to whisper and yell, and it is very justified in coming forward to affirm its presence and role in my life.

    Here I am, feeling so heavy, so unsure of how to hold myself while I acknowledge and feel the pain and anger and exhaustion this part of me has been carrying by herself. I slow down, take deep breaths and follow what my mind, heart and body are asking me to do. I write this post. I listen to beautiful music by Destined Dynamics. I cry and tell my husband about my fears and hurt. By doing these things, I create more space for this bruised, broken, hurt and victimized part of me.

    Going forward, I will hold her and me, until our breath and voices unite and we are together as one. I will look in the mirror and see my pain and my resilience and smile. I will feel the pain inside me. I will rise up because the root has showed me how to pull her out of that infertile garden and plant her in my heart, where I can nurture her with the sunlight and rains of my care and attention. I love you Miss What About Me. You matter and you are worthy. Thank you for revealing yourself to me, please teach me how best to care for you.

    If you are working through living with a chronic physical or mental health condition (I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety), or are working through trauma of any kind, I see you and I am with you. You matter and I wish you so much ease, love, gentleness and care. Big hugs.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Protecting innocence

    A heartfelt video from me and our 4 week old chicks

    A few weeks ago, I wrote about the death of one of our 2 day old baby chicks: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/06/02/making-peace-with-suffering/

    It really broke my heart to watch her suffering, yet I knew she was teaching me alot.  In the video above, I talk about the baby chicks and how they exude innocence and purity.  They look at me and I can feel my anger, tension and rigidity melt away. 

    I have been reflecting on that innocence and purity.  We are all born that way, and circumstances in life can lead us to bury or hide that away.  I know it was like that for me, and I first really understood what I was missing when I was 35 years old: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/09/05/innocence/

    Those precious babies help remind me that we all have that innocence within us, and I want to nurture and protect it in others.  I have times when I am upset or tired, and I forget to speak directly to the innocence in others, and I also forget my own.  On days when I feel good and I separate out someone’s actions from their innocence, I feel like a superhero. Speaking to someone’s innocence instead of responding to their actions is a true gift.

    Today, I am having a hard time with that concept, but I am trying regardless. I am trying to nurture my innocence instead of judging myself for my behavior. Today, I am in need of more love, care, and patience, and I am doing my best to give that to myself. May we all be blessed with an abundance of patience, inspiration, and infinite love to share with the innocence in all hearts, especially our own. Big hugs!

    One of our 4 week old baby chicks
    Look at this sweetie!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • That cynical edge

    Rough cliffs on the ocean, with dark clouds filling the sky.
    Photo by Stanislav Kondratiev on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in January 2019. I was going through a tough time with my mental and physical health, and there were several other challenges in my personal and professional life. I was learning so much about being an empath and how to thrive despite everything I was feeling. I definitely didn’t feel like I was thriving, but this poem showed my dedication to figuring it out, which makes my heart smile.

    Reading this poem reminds me how much more complex life is for people who feel deeply and who are empaths. It also reminds me how courageous the most sensitive of souls are each day, and it gives me hope for transforming our planet with light, love and sensitivity. Big hugs!

    That cynical edge

    I have been trying so hard not to become cynical.

    I have railed against the cynicism, doubts and anger that have filled my world and

    I have done my best to push it away.

    It has slowly crept up on me, climbing up my legs, and weaving itself

    around me, stealthily and purposefully and it has me around the neck.

    It is choking me and infecting my brain and soul.

    I no longer trust in the good of all.

    I no longer know what I trust in.

    I am a stupid leaf being blown by the wind and now I’ve once again

    landed in the cesspool of humanity’s pain.

    Why do I keep ending up here?

    I hate it here.

    I get it.

    We are suffering, we have suffered, it seems like we will keep suffering.

    How is it helping me to be a little leaf blowing from circumstance to circumstance?

    How it is that I am getting deeper and deeper into the cesspool when there is so much good in my life?

    What steps can I take to trust in the good once again?

    What do I need in order to trust in the good once again?

    How many hugs am I feeling like I missed out on?

    How many kind words am I longing to hear?

    How many times do I need to be acknowledged and witnessed until I can once again trust the good in all, including in myself?

    How is it that my self-worth is still tied up in receiving those things?

    What might I need to break all the cycles of abuse, within and without, so that trust and love may rise up again within me as the default operating system?

    What was that dream teaching me when I was a little girl?

    What was it teaching me to see Mother Mary alone in a big and empty hospital waiting room?  She was alone and scared and she was about to give birth to Jesus, but she was so alone.  I had that dream several times and I’ve never forgotten it.  How may I assist myself and our planet in healing, transforming and resolving the extreme loneliness that has led to the creation and deepening of the cesspool of humanity’s exceptionally exquisite pain that seems ready to burst in every aspect of our planet?

    How may I transition from being the pain and not trusting anything to being the one to bring light to the cesspool for the wellbeing of all?

    May the guidance come from within my great big heart and may it come quickly and effortlessly to help me with my mission.

    I know I’ll never drown in the cesspool, but it’s time to transform it.

    May it be transformed into the golden waters of Heaven where all may come to be nourished, healed, blessed and transformed instead of where people come to commiserate with others in the pain and darkness of their everyday existence.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Missing myself

    Hands holding up two halves of a broken paper heart.
    Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem on February 14, 2019. I remember those days of missing myself, and I still sometimes feel that, although it has a different feeling lately. Like I’ve been missing only certain parts of me that I’m still reclaiming, like my power. I am sharing it with the hope that it inspires anyone else who is missing themselves. Big hugs!

    Missing myself – a poem

    I feel like I’ve been missing myself.

    Just this morning, I have been crying, aware that I have missed me.

    I have been so caught up trying to survive and make it through in the past few months that I have been missing myself.

    It is a good feeling in a way, because it means I’ve noticed and it is time to figure out how to spend more time with me, instead of rushing around all the time, trying to make things right outside of me and for other people.

    Imagine how weird that is…I am right here, but yet I have missed myself.

    There is a massive depth to me and when I am in survival mode, I am only living from the surface of me.

    My depths are crying out for me to return to them, to bring the depths up to the surface so that I may exist in a more whole and complete way and as a result, I may bring more blessings, health and abundance to myself and to all of those I interact with.

    Here I am, vulnerable and raw, sinking into the depths of me, while they rise to meet me.

    What a holy day.

    Interestingly enough, it is Valentine’s Day today.  May I be reunited with all that I am, in a true sacred union that needs no flowers, chocolates or cards.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Lightning and thunder

    Lightning in the sky over a body of water.
    Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.c

    Lightning and thunder – a poem

    These are new feelings for me

    Crackling and burning under the surface of my skin

    Anger and rage wanting to burst out through every aspect of my body

    Exhausted at myself for all the limiting ways I have been relating to life

    For all the power and strength that I buried deep within me

    Mistaking them for anger and aggression

    They are rising up

    Grabbing me by the soul and demanding to be released

    Demanding to be let out of the prison I accidentally created for them

    I thought the doors were open

    That I had flung them wide a few months ago

    But here they are, power and strength raging within me like a thunderstorm

    Deep breath

    Pause

    Take off my rain coat

    Put down the umbrella

    Open all the windows and doors and let the storm rage

    Let it come and cleanse me and release me from the shackles I unknowingly put on

    Deep within the prison cells of my mind, body and spirit

    Thank you thunder and lightning

    Thank you for reminding me of my strength and power

    Thank you for living under my skin and waking me up to the true power of my beingness

    I welcome you thunder and lightning

    Light up my skies

    Liberate me from my prison

    Help me bring healing to the world with your lessons, freedom and power

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Lovely things to say to yourself

    A wooden boardwalk with hearts lining it on either side.
    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    The dogs woke me up at 4:45am this morning and I was pretty irritated at first. I was amazed how quickly I turned my irritation around by saying lovely things to myself. As I walked down the hall to let them out, I said, “You’re doing such a great job, Bradlee,” and “You are such a caring person.” I felt the irritation lift and I was even able to go back to sleep after.

    Are you interested in being kinder to yourself? In saying lovely things to yourself? Especially saying those words you wish others would say to you? I first learned about how to do this in 2015 after watching this inspirational video by Matt Kahn. It’s a long one, but super worth it. It truly gave me the inspiration and easy suggestions to learn how to witness my life and to validate myself while I live it.

    In the spirit of sharing and uplifting all readers, I will share a list of things I find myself often saying to myself. I always feel better when I do this. If I don’t feel better, I ask myself what I need to receive instead, and that usually breaks through the anger, despair or whatever I’m feeling. I’m learning, day by day, to be an expert in being me. I really hope these words inspire you to get a PhD in Being Me too!

    Examples of lovely things to say to yourself:

    • Hey, you just did an awesome job washing the dishes, way to go!
    • Thank you for vacuuming, especially since you were so tired. I really appreciate you.
    • You nailed that presentation at work today honey, woohoo!
    • I’m so proud of you, you used your voice to speak up about your boundaries so well.
    • That was a really good, clear email you wrote at work. Well done!
    • Way to take a few minutes to lie down, breathe and relax before moving onto your next task.
    • You did a great job pulling food out of the freezer to make sure you could make healthy meals.
    • You did such a good job honoring yourself today. You recognized you had limited energy, and you ordered groceries online, and cooked simpler foods for meals.
    • You spoke up about what your intuition told you instead of doubting yourself! Nice work. I hope you know how trustworthy you are going forward!
    • I’m so proud of you for recognizing that you needed time to yourself today and for taking it.
    • You did a good job relaxing while you were walking the dogs. You also were a rock star in keeping them from pulling you to the back of the forest.
    • You are such a tender, sweet and caring person. You are very good at loving your family and caring for others.
    • I can tell you are strained and anxious right now. I super honor you. Is there anything I can do for you?
    • Oh man, you are doing a great job of thinking massively resentful thoughts. Is there something I can do for you? I know there’s still laundry to do and dishes to wash, but you matter more.

    These are just a sample of things I may say to myself at various points in the day. I need to say these lovely, caring things to myself especially on days when I am really tired or feeling anxious or overwhelmed. I’d greatly welcome comments about which of these feels good to you or what you say to yourself that makes you feel good!

    Let’s do this! Let’s choose to honor and love ourselves! Let’s choose to be kind to the most important people in our lives, but especially ourselves.

    Big hugs! xoxoxoox

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Beyond the Breaking Point

    Image from space of ice fractures in the Beaufort Sea.
    Extensive Ice Fractures in the Beaufort Sea by NASA Goddard Photo and Video is licensed under CC-BY 2.0

    In my previous post, I wrote about being at the breaking point. It was a post overflowing with the rawness of emotion I was experiencing at the time. Writing that post gave me courage to be with myself when I was so angry, disappointed and violated. It helped me understand that I didn’t need to know what was coming next, yet.

    Here I am a few days later and I am so grateful for this experience. It taught me that I am my own fiercest protector. In the face of disrespectful behavior, I rose up within myself to see it for what it was and to say enough. I was flooded with a whole spectrum of emotions, all of which I was able to embrace as completely valid. I didn’t have my next steps ready, instead I just gave those huge emotions space to breath and to guide me to what was next.

    This is new territory for me because in the past, I just micro-managed myself, trying to fit into the mold of who I thought I should be. I’ve been unlearning all of that, and I am learning to live my own life, according to my rules, my beliefs, my values and my feelings. It is a gorgeously transformative process that has been incredibly beautiful, rewarding, and exhausting.

    The next morning after writing that post, my next steps became clear. My limits and boundaries had been violated so severely and I was radiating with a giant, booming, “NO MORE,” in the cells of my body. I knew that I owed it to myself to follow those feelings and to make decisions that would allow me to be in a healthier, more respectful environment. In the past, I used to think I had to stay and suffer through it, or try to reason my way through abusive behavior, or make excuses for those being disrespectful. This may be the among the rare times when I heard the “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” scream within me and gave myself permission to act on it. May this be more of my reality going forward (and yours too if this resonates with you).

    I’m learning how to be an expert in me, by working towards getting a PhD in Being Me, and I took major steps forward during this experience. It felt holistic and pure and straight from within me. I didn’t look to others to confirm my next steps, I make those decisions from that inner roar and man, it felt so super good.

    By Friday evening, I was exhausted and depleted and yesterday too. I know how much energy it takes to learn new ways of being and to follow ones instincts in a world full of advice, fads and ways of being. I rode those waves of exhaustion and made sure to praise myself for following my inner voice, for protecting my innocence, for knowing I was worthy of having my boundaries respected and for taking steps to make sure major boundary violations wouldn’t happen again. I was gentle with myself as I went through this and I am smiling while typing this. It feels very good to be learning to honor myself from the inside out.

    If you are in need of gentleness, I support you. I am with you. I haven’t gotten to this place overnight. It has been a life long process, one that has been agonizingly slow at times. It is my hope that in sharing my journey, it will help connect you to what is best for you in your life. I would never dream of making any reader think that they need to do exactly what I am doing. Rather, it is my dream that you, dear reader, may be so full of love, inspiration and hope after visiting this blog that it makes your life easier and gentler.

    May you follow the breadcrumbs of light that I am leaving behind as I walk, type and learn to live from my power. May they lead you to your inner voice and power. May you rise up within yourself, in your own way, to live your life from the inside out, in all of your brilliance and authenticity, despite anything you’ve ever been told about what is wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with me. We are beautiful humans, being pushed to the breaking point, so we may see what’s on the other side.

    Pssst, I have a secret. I think it’s only freedom, power and greater confidence. Look out world, here we come with songs of hope, torches of light and an abundance of love and healing.

    Big hugs!! xoxoxoxoox

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • The Breaking Point

    Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

    I’ve been feeling more of my power coming to the forefront of my inner world lately and it’s been wonderful.  Today I had an experience that deeply insulted, offended and angered me.  After it was over, I felt like I was in shock, and I needed time to settle back into myself.  I was in shock over how rude, insensitive and condescending people can be, and how so many others seem to support that type of behavior.  I have been a human for 43 years now, and the more I open my heart and lead with my vulnerability, the more I am shocked and appalled by the worst aspects of humanity. 

    Shortly afterwards, I had to excuse myself in order to cry and let my feelings out.  I remember wanting to rationalize and justify things to myself, instead I chose to love the one who needed to break down and shed many tears.  That felt so much better to me, to just give myself permission to be overcome with emotion and to embrace the one who felt trampled and abused.  As the day went on, I continued to embrace and hold space for my precious innocence as I grieved and felt the shock.  I really felt like I got further in getting a PhD in Being Me today.

    As the day went on, I got angry.  I learned how my anger is a way to respond to a pretty intense violation of my precious inner space and outer boundaries.  I started cherishing that anger and I could see images in my mind of me becoming a dragon and breathing flames everywhere, not in a destructive way, but in a powerful, “not again” way.  Writing this is one of the things I am choosing to do to honor myself today, and the sadness that I continue to feel under that anger that is giving me the strength to advocate for myself and to prevent this from happening again.

    I’m still not sure what my next steps are, but I know now that I’ve been growing and I have new tools and new awareness to honor, protect and nurture myself.  I have come very, very, very far in this way.  I remember the days when my only options were to shut down, cry in my choicelessness/helplessness or to deepen my victimhood.  If you resonate with those ways of being, I see you.  I also super honor you.  It is so hard to be choiceless, to feel like a victim and to live from a shut down place.  With every word you read on this blog, may you know that I believe in you.  May you be blessed with all you need to heal from trauma, abuse and other atrocities you’ve experienced and may you be surrounded with a blanket of peace, healing and protection while you heal. 

    Let’s breathe fire together and burn down (metaphorically 😊) all that no longer serves humanity.

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.