Frost patterns that mirror the natural and raw beauty of what is described in my poem below
Reaching in, reaching out
I see an image of me reaching in.
Reaching inwards to the depths of my being, reaching to find myself.
I feel myself stirring, awakening and stretching.
I hear the giant yawn that slowly turns into a growl, then grows louder
And louder
Until it roars with the joy of its awakening.
I hear that roar and I smile.
I stand up straighter, taller and with more power coursing through my limbs.
My smile broadens as I know that I am now more whole, stronger, more complete.
I no longer feel like I’m reaching in, but instead, that I’m reaching out
That my long lost self is reaching out to me, thanking me for my patience while it slumbered, rested, and built up strength for the next phase of my life.
It is reaching out and upwards while simultaneously filling my entire being with its strength, power and wisdom.
With every breath I take, may I feel more united with this gorgeous, wild and untamed part of myself.
May I listen to its roar and its desires and hear its wishes.
May I know that I am the soft whispers I have been feeling for the last several years and this incredible new roar that has emerged.
Today, I feel like I am a snake who is getting ready to shed my skin. Except that I I don’t want to just shed my skin, I want to shed more.
I want to shed my old, victim like ways.
I want to shed this safe resting place that I have taken shelter and refuge in.
I want to shed this fear and the echoes of trauma that keep calling and calling to me.
I want to shed this little prison and its shackles so I can explore the rest of me, the rest of life, the entirety of my potential to grow, expand, shine and make a beautiful difference in the world.
Here I am, like the snake in the picture, except, I have one eye open.
That eye is looking outward, feeling the fire and rage within and it’s gauging if today is the day to shed it all.
I take a deep breath in. I smile and roar within me and open both eyes and climb off that safe branch.
I stretch as far as I can, both into and away from myself.
I feel the layers of the old, flaking and crumbling off of me as I slither and stretch and climb up, and up, and up to a new view point on life.
I start to feel more free, less encumbered, weighed down and trapped by the confines of my previous existence.
I open my mouth and feel a roar coming up from within me. A roar that makes no sense because up until now I’ve been a roar-less snake who has been curled up, safe and protected from harm and from my past.
But today, I have shed my old self and I am a lion. A proud, strong and gorgeous lion with a roar that shakes the trees and sends ripples into the oceans.
I am a lion, one who has walked the Earth for millennia, bringing new life, power and strength to all who see and hear me.
I am a lion, fierce, proud, and scarred from battles but ready to stand strong and fight for myself and for those who are healing. The ones who are curled up and incubating in the echoes of their past until it is their time to shed the old and walk the Earth anew. Afire. Awash with their strength. Full of roars and power. Just like I am becoming today.
Here I am Life. Hear me roar. I am Mighty. I am ancient and brand new. I am both a whisper and a mighty roar. I am it All, re-arisen from the ashes of my past, with a new body, new skin, new image, and new confidence. I am roaring and I am glorious.
To those who can’t yet roar, I am here, roaring, prowling, and making the path clear and safe for you, for your emergence, for your shedding and for your transformation.
For you and for us, I roar. In honor of our collective pain, traumas, and past, I roar. Peace be with you as you rest, incubate and heal. I will be here, ready to rejoice when we can roar together and set our world free.
I’ve been sick the past few days and it has helped put things in perspective. Even when I am sick or struggling with the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety, I am always blooming. Even when I feel like I am taking several steps back, I am always blooming.
It’s so easy to get down on myself, to forget the wonderful person I am, the good I do for myself and others each day, and the multitude of healthy choices I make. It’s easy to focus on what isn’t going well, when there is so much beauty and goodness in my life, much of which I have chosen, cultivated and nourished. I wonder….does a flower ever say, “damn it, I should have bloomed fully by now. I’m not sure why I’m lagging behind?” Or do it just revel in joy that it is always blooming and growing, even through the stages that may appear to be less beautiful? I wonder….
Wherever you are at in your life, may you know how glorious you are through every struggle, every heartache, every moment of despair. May you know that you are constantly blooming, even if the soil of your heart’s garden doesn’t seem very fertile, or if the sun doesn’t seem to be shining on you.
Every moment you live, may you be inspired to make the healthiest and wisest choices possible and may you connect with the true beauty you are. May you see yourself as always blooming, even when everything around you is changing with the seasons of life. I see you and I honor you. I am cheering you on and smiling at you.
I wrote this poem in 2017. It was when I knew that I could be kinder to myself and I was experimenting with how to do so. I remember just feeling so constrained and wondering what I was trying to measure up to and why. I like the strain in this poem and the dawning of the realization I was having. I feel like it’s a bit messy and I like it that way. I feel like it’s messy because the idea was so new to me, that there was less of the usual flow that’s in my writing. I invite you to check it out and may it help free you from any prisons of perfection you have been living in. Big hugs!!
False Perfection - a poem
What is the measure of perfection?
I have always strived for perfection without really ever having a true definition of perfection.
Recently I realized that it was some kind of false ideal that I was striving to, one that was unattainable, unrealistic and certainly not defined by me.
I was setting myself up to fail and to hate myself time and time again
As I was wanting to measure myself and my actions against a non-existent
Standard.
I have seen others hate themselves and berate themselves because they
Couldn’t measure up to their undefined standards of perfection.
Let’s rise up dear brothers and sisters.
Let us liberate ourselves from these false pretenses,
These false measures that are not based in any reality,
That are more like prisons that don’t have any walls.
Once you know there are no walls and everything is false
About the ideals we strive for that are not defined by any heart
Spirit or the Universe,
Then the false ideals fall away and
There is then time to get to know the way of the heart
The way that has always been there, waiting for the seeds of truth
To be planted within our hearts, once we step out of the darkness
Of the prison with no walls, into the gardens of our hearts,
Where there is always truth, nothing false and we remember
That everything is here to help us, even false pretenses.
Me, first thing in the morning, with beautiful Maggie
I wrote the poem below in April 2021. It is still so valid and really represents my journey in working towards a PhD in Being Me. It is very raw and vulnerable and makes me feel so proud of myself and how far I have come. May it inspire you too! xoxoxoxo
This is Me– a poem
Here I am
Burst open
Coming apart at the seams
Feeling emotional, happy, destroyed and broken
All at once
This is me
For years and years
I have tried to manage myself
Control myself
Force myself
Perfect myself
And all along
I was there
Waiting patiently under the surface
To be loved, seen, heard, valued and treasured
Just as I am
Here I am
Me
Anxious me
Sensitive me
Cautious me
Daring me
Chip eating and coke drinking me
The me who swears
The me who gets passionate about injustice
The me who is always trying to do the right thing because I care so much
The me who is so beautiful inside and out
Here I am
Me
I have stopped trying to compartmentalize me
Stopped trying to understand myself as a concept that can never be taught or mastered
But can only be lived as me
Holding my own hand from the inside out
Smiling at myself through all of my weaknesses and strengths
And moving forward anyway
Even if the way I feel, think, act and am isn’t in line with the vision of the perfect person I have nearly killed myself to be.
What if I’m just me
Exactly as I am
Just as I am
No more, no less
Just me?
I think it would be liberating and it would help me end the endless cycles of abuse I’ve been swirling in.
Today, I dare to do this.
Today, I hug myself instead of berate myself.
Today, I honor my battle scars and I tend to my wounds.
Today, I stop trying to be anyone other than me.
Today, I am just as I am.
With every breath I take, may I anchor greater personal freedom, liberation and acceptance for myself, for my family and for the wellbeing and evolution of all.
May you be blessed with the courage, strength and gentleness to be you, exactly you, just as you are.
I am with you, doing my best and being vulnerable as the beautiful, sweet soul I am and may you feel loved, just as you are.
Have you ever wondered what self-love even means? Or what it is to self-reflect? I know those questions very well, and my answers to them come through writing and being honest vulnerable with myself.
It is my hope that in sharing this new poem that it inspires you to connect more deeply with the awesomeness you already are. I find the more I connect with myself, the more I am able to answer the questions that arise within me about how to love, care and nurture myself. May you be inspired too 💖.
Incubation
Over the last seven years I have felt myself slowly dying. My muscles have been drained of energy Where it has felt like my life force energy wasn't replenishing and I was running on the fumes of life. My heart felt encased in rocks and no matter how much I used a chisel, I just never made any progress. My interactions with others brought up so much pain and lack of safety. There was no place within or outside of myself to seek refuge and peace. I felt so many of my bodily systems operating at the bare minimum and I could feel myself aging and dying. I didn't understand why I was going through this process when so many of my dreams had come true...how could I be suffering and stagnating when I had so many blessings in my life? I don't have the answer to this question. I just know that I can feel the balance shifting. I feel more joy and fluidity in my muscles. I am being refueled in my muscles, tissues, organs and cells and it is easier to smile. I don't feel like I need to hide to seek emotional and physical safety, I feel more ready to be seen. The shame, anger, overwhelm, sadness and exhaustion are in the background instead of filling my every breath and thought. I see how I have been stewing in the pot of my life's pain, suffering and trauma and there was no escape. I had to see and feel every ingredient being added to the pot. I had to bear witness to myself as I witnessed my death and crucifixion at the hands of life, only to be reborn and incubating, patiently waiting for me to process, heal, grow, rest and evolve, all while living life in first gear. Is it wrong that I have needed this time? No. Should it have been faster? No. Should I have gotten over myself instead of allowing this miraculous but exceptionally difficult time period in my life? No. Did I hate, resent, fear and reject myself countless times during this time? Yes. What made me stop doing that? Me giving me permission to feel and be exactly as I am, with openness, transparency and a willingness to be seen at my messiest and weakest and to feel within me that I was worthy despite how I was. I have been dying and being reborn over and over again. My destruction and incubation are more complete and I feel ready. Ready for what? To thrive. To share To uplift. To support and to give love. To me, to you, to our planet and all of her inhabitants who are slowly dying and being reborn in each moment. May our deaths and rebirths be miraculous and healing for ourselves and for the well being and evolution of all. With every breath we take, may we see the beauty in our process of healing no matter how long, exhausting or insufferable it is. May you be reminded of your worth no matter how good or shitty you feel. May you be held from within and outside of you.
As an adult, I was living my life feeling like something was missing. I looked for it everywhere, but I couldn’t find it because I didn’t know what it was. I was a lovely, caring person but I felt unwhole despite the beautiful relationships I had in my life. I was super blessed and should have had every reason to feel grateful, happy and whole.
I went to Sat Nam Fest with my family in 2014 to listen to beautiful music and to be at a yoga retreat. I had never done anything like that before and it was quite the experience. The artists were just hanging out at the retreat in between sets and I had never seen anything like it. They were friendly, happy, smiley and they sang such gorgeous songs that melted some of the pain I was carrying in my heart.
I went down to the washroom on the basement level of the huge complex and I saw one of the performers at the drinking fountain. Her name is Ajeet and her music has been so deeply healing for me. You can check her out here: https://ajeetmusic.com. She was radiating goodness, light and the something that I was missing. I was in awe, but even with it right there in front of me, I still couldn’t name it because it was so lost to me. I said some words to her, she kindly smiled and replied and that was it. I felt like I had had some kind of holy experience, but I didn’t understand it.
A year or so later, she was on tour and she came to Ottawa. I bought a ticket for myself and was super excited. I even bought tickets to participate in a yoga workshop she led before the concert. As I was getting ready for the concert, I finally figured it out. I figured out what it was that she had that I was so dreadfully and painfully aware that I had lost, but hadn’t even been able to name:
Her innocence
Once I figured it out, I was very confused and deeply ashamed. I was ashamed that I had lost my innocence and I hadn’t even been able to put a word to it when I first witnessed it. I was so sad but also so grateful to have figured it out. I wanted to thank her for the huge gift she had given me by living with her innocence on full display. I felt embarrassed though and wasn’t sure how to tell someone about that, so I settled instead with writing it in a card. I very shyly kept it by my side during the concert and I ran up to her at the break and gave it to her, and said something cute like, “umm, I have a card for you.” Then I ran away. It wasn’t necessarily one of my shining moments but it was the best I could do after such a monumental discovery.
I have since reclaimed and reconnected with my innocence. I feel it within me every day. It is very nice. I am a very genuine, cute and sincere person and I can feel how I am leading with that every day. I am so grateful to Ajeet for leading the way and for my innocence that was so willing to resurface and take the lead. May my innocence light the way for others just the way Ajeet’s helped lead me home to mine. Sat naam to you all.
PhD in Being Me 