PhD in Being Me

Tag: Self-Love

  • Destroyed

    Huge waves crashing on the shore.
    Photo by Ray Bilcliff on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in May 2021. I remember sitting and talking to someone as these realizations hit me and I knew I was witnessing my own destruction. I remember writing this and feeling soothed and knowing that I was okay, even as I was being destroyed. I remember knowing that everything, including me, was much more complex, deep and beautiful than I could ever understand and that it was okay that I didn’t understand.

    I share this poem from my heart to yours. xoxoxoxo

    Destroyed – a poem

    Well, here I am.

    I have built my life on trying to be a certain way so that I could avoid hurt and pain

    And so I could avoid causing hurt and pain to others.

    I have exhausted and controlled myself to achieve this and yesterday,

    I was destroyed.

    I was blown open.

    Despite all of my efforts, things are still a mess.

    I am still causing hurt and pain

    And people will be as they will be.

    I get it now.

    I am not in charge.

    I am not the boss.

    I am the destroyed one who thought she could be in charge and who could be the boss.

    I see now that I am broken and the only option I have now

    Is to have faith and trust in my life’s purpose

    That only the universe is the boss of.

    I am done.

    I am destroyed.

    I am broken

    And that is exactly the way I should be or I guess it wouldn’t have come to this.

    Matt Kahn has this beautiful quote that goes something like this, “in order for me to become who I am destined to become, life couldn’t have happened any other way.”

    So here I am, after what feels like lifetimes of trying, atoning, overcoming, exhaustion and panic,

    And I am broken open and destroyed, so that must be what was meant to be.

    The next steps are to be broken and destroyed and be open to all the inspiration, healing and clarity that surely has more room to do it’s magic.

    One moment at a time, I will sit with myself, I will live my life,

    And be, not try.

    I can envision myself being so vulnerable, so open, so constant and yet in flux,

    Which I guess is exactly what a human life is.

    Constant, yet in flux.

    Broken, yet healed.

    Loving, yet with hateful thoughts.

    It’s funny because as I write this, I see that I’m not destroyed,

    It’s everything that I have thought I am that’s been destroyed and

    What is left is me, sitting here within myself,

    Naked,

    Reborn

    and freed.

    With every breath I take, may I embrace the destruction of the constructs I thought I was and may the deeper me have more room to emerge.

    May the broken concepts and constructs of me continue to dissolve with my utmost admiration, appreciation and respect for the journey we have gone through together

    And may my sweet heart and body know I adore them no matter what and that I am here,

    Loving myself, loving them, and being it all.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Beyond the Breaking Point

    Image from space of ice fractures in the Beaufort Sea.
    Extensive Ice Fractures in the Beaufort Sea by NASA Goddard Photo and Video is licensed under CC-BY 2.0

    In my previous post, I wrote about being at the breaking point. It was a post overflowing with the rawness of emotion I was experiencing at the time. Writing that post gave me courage to be with myself when I was so angry, disappointed and violated. It helped me understand that I didn’t need to know what was coming next, yet.

    Here I am a few days later and I am so grateful for this experience. It taught me that I am my own fiercest protector. In the face of disrespectful behavior, I rose up within myself to see it for what it was and to say enough. I was flooded with a whole spectrum of emotions, all of which I was able to embrace as completely valid. I didn’t have my next steps ready, instead I just gave those huge emotions space to breath and to guide me to what was next.

    This is new territory for me because in the past, I just micro-managed myself, trying to fit into the mold of who I thought I should be. I’ve been unlearning all of that, and I am learning to live my own life, according to my rules, my beliefs, my values and my feelings. It is a gorgeously transformative process that has been incredibly beautiful, rewarding, and exhausting.

    The next morning after writing that post, my next steps became clear. My limits and boundaries had been violated so severely and I was radiating with a giant, booming, “NO MORE,” in the cells of my body. I knew that I owed it to myself to follow those feelings and to make decisions that would allow me to be in a healthier, more respectful environment. In the past, I used to think I had to stay and suffer through it, or try to reason my way through abusive behavior, or make excuses for those being disrespectful. This may be the among the rare times when I heard the “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” scream within me and gave myself permission to act on it. May this be more of my reality going forward (and yours too if this resonates with you).

    I’m learning how to be an expert in me, by working towards getting a PhD in Being Me, and I took major steps forward during this experience. It felt holistic and pure and straight from within me. I didn’t look to others to confirm my next steps, I make those decisions from that inner roar and man, it felt so super good.

    By Friday evening, I was exhausted and depleted and yesterday too. I know how much energy it takes to learn new ways of being and to follow ones instincts in a world full of advice, fads and ways of being. I rode those waves of exhaustion and made sure to praise myself for following my inner voice, for protecting my innocence, for knowing I was worthy of having my boundaries respected and for taking steps to make sure major boundary violations wouldn’t happen again. I was gentle with myself as I went through this and I am smiling while typing this. It feels very good to be learning to honor myself from the inside out.

    If you are in need of gentleness, I support you. I am with you. I haven’t gotten to this place overnight. It has been a life long process, one that has been agonizingly slow at times. It is my hope that in sharing my journey, it will help connect you to what is best for you in your life. I would never dream of making any reader think that they need to do exactly what I am doing. Rather, it is my dream that you, dear reader, may be so full of love, inspiration and hope after visiting this blog that it makes your life easier and gentler.

    May you follow the breadcrumbs of light that I am leaving behind as I walk, type and learn to live from my power. May they lead you to your inner voice and power. May you rise up within yourself, in your own way, to live your life from the inside out, in all of your brilliance and authenticity, despite anything you’ve ever been told about what is wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with me. We are beautiful humans, being pushed to the breaking point, so we may see what’s on the other side.

    Pssst, I have a secret. I think it’s only freedom, power and greater confidence. Look out world, here we come with songs of hope, torches of light and an abundance of love and healing.

    Big hugs!! xoxoxoxoox

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Literally overflowing with love

    A heart with lots of sparkly lights around it.
    Photo by Ugur Tandogan on Pexels.com

    Living with chronic fatigue syndrome is sometimes at odds with who I am.  I am a big hearted person who loves to connect with others, share hugs, give compassion and acknowledgement and more hugs.  Being chronically tired means that I can’t always do that because I don’t have enough physical, energetic or emotional energy to share.  I think that is actually the hardest part of it all.  The awesome gift in it all is that I have learned to be more discerning.  I carefully consider where, when and how to connect with others, so it is really meaningful for me and them.

    On Sunday, I got to be a backstage helper at the Kemptville Youth Musical Theatre Company’s production of Matilda.  My teen is in the show and it is truly spectacular.  I offered to help as a “den mother,” which meant that all I had to do was show up after the performance, help in the dressing rooms, and gently nudge the performers to tidy, put their costumes away and get out of there so everyone could get home to rest or celebrate.  I was really tired on Sunday, but I could feel my heart overflowing with love for these youth and the fabulous people who volunteered so many hours to give the youth this incredible, life-building experience.  I decided that I was going to go there, tired or not and be me, to the fullest extent of me.  I drove to the store, bought healthy juice and granola bars, and then waited excitedly at the theatre for the show to end so I could surround the performers with love, compliments, food and drink. 

    The amazing Matilda cast!!
    Photo by Jennifer Boggett Photography

    Honestly, seeing them all come backstage after greeting their adoring audience made me overflow and explode with love.  I could literally feel myself lighting up that narrow corridor and filling it with love, safety and joy.  The performers all had different reactions to my varying exclamations of, “I’m so proud of you, I’m Zara’s mom, I love you all and I brought you snacks and juice instead of being a strict den mother.”  It made me feel so good and I could see it uplifting them too. 

    I am constantly amazed at what happens when I give myself permission to be me, regardless of what other adults around me are doing.  I’m 43 and I felt more like my true self in that little hallway than I have in many other situations.  I really think the magic ingredient was that I allowed myself to be me, in all of my ridiculous joy, innocence and happiness.  It lifted me up for the remainder of the evening and really taught me something really important.  I feel my best when I am my authentic self.  I definitely got closer to getting a PhD in Being Me that afternoon.  Yay for that!

    I also want to acknowledge that I was my authentic self while I was showering everyone with lots of love and food, but I didn’t try to hide that I struggle with the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety sometimes.  I still had some shy moments and I still had to sit on the floor for a bit to rest.  I loved it.  I was authentically all of me, no shame, no hiding, no trying to be someone else, I just actually brought all of me and I loved it.  I learned to love and appreciate all aspects of me even more during that experience.

    May you have many opportunities to witness your glory, no matter how much you may be struggling with certain areas of your life.  The ability to shine is so incredible, even for the shortest moments, especially if you are also struggling with overwhelm, despair or turmoil like I do sometimes.  No matter where you are at, I honor you. I celebrate you.  May you know how special you are and how worthy you are of being seen, heard and witnessed.  Every step, no matter how small, counts.  And it counts for a lot.  There is no rush at the school of PhD in Being Me.  There is no curriculum, no set lesson plan.  It’s just you, exploring life as you, and learning what makes you feel good, what makes you feel angry or unsafe and adjusting to give yourself more love and support. 

    Big hugs and thanks for reading.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Shattered Innocence

    A dead flower with snow in the background.
    Photo by Eva Bronzini on Pexels.com

    Sometimes life is just so disappointing, so much so that one’s heart breaks and it feels like all the good inside has died. This poem is about those types of day. As I wrote it, it felt very sad and angry. As I kept writing, I felt like my shattered innocence was giving me a different way to view those disappointments and shattering. Can you see the shift or feel in the poem too? Xoxoxo

    Thanks for reading!

    Shattered Innocence – a poem

    I greeted today with an open heart and much excitement.

    I try to approach every day like that, to be the one who brings love to the world, to the little moments, to every moment.

    It gets impossible though when life seems to want to crush that from within me.

    When it shares the most horrendous secrets of humanity with me and my innocence shatters and expires before I can even react to protect it.

    Humanity seems to have this festering abscess right on it’s heart and it’s wanting to burst open and ooze it’s putrescence over everything.

    I want to rage and scream and stop all of the suffering. I want to slap people and tell them to wake up, to stop, to appreciate life, to appreciate the good in it all. To see how much trauma, suffering and awfulness there is and to choose love. To stop spewing vile hatred and to start the healing.

    AAAARGHHHHH.

    Purest, delicate beauty.

    Tender innocence.

    Soft, gentle and caring heart.

    So perfect, so beautiful and so vulnerable to this world’s vile acts of hatred and suffering.

    Oh my tender, tender innocence.

    I wish I could protect you better, and wrap you up in a soft blanket, like I would a precious newborn, to keep you safe from all the suffering in this world.

    Now that we’ve reconnected, I don’t want to lose you all over again to the darkness and horrendous pain that is spewing out of humanity’s abscess of pain and torture and hatred.

    I see it pulsating and getting thinner just as it explodes sending shards of pain, torture and hatred everywhere.

    I want to shelter you, protect you and stop this hurting you feel.

    Is there anything I can do for you?

    Is there any way I can support you better when you are exposed to such negativity, suffering and unconscionable things?

    Oh, you want to be tucked into my heart for bedtime?

    You’d like me to read you a nice story and remind you of the good in the world?

    Okay, precious one, let’s do that. You are so beautiful, resilient and courageous.

    Please continue to teach me how to nurture you and look after you when you shatter.

    I’m so grateful to learn that the shattering isn’t permanent.

    Thank you for teaching me dearest innocence.

    Thank you.

    An early spring morning sunset
    After writing this, I felt renewed and ready for the day. Just like this beautiful sun rising up in the morning.

  • Unhinged

    A pink sunrise
    A pink sunrise

    Recently something inside of me has opened up.  Like there was this part of me I was keeping tucked away, in a locked box.

    I was just sitting outside in the sun when I realized that not only has the box been opened but it is unhinged.  In my haste to open it and rediscover lost parts of myself, I must have broken the hinges.  Thank goodness for that.

    The older I get, the less I want to be society’s version of who I think I should be, and the more the true, deep and authentic me is roaring to be free.

    Typically we think of ‘coming unhinged’ as a bad thing, but not in this case. I feel empowered about the hinges being broken. I feel like I have outgrown a really small cage and I am ready to prowl through more life with more fire, energy and passion than ever before. 

    Thank you box and hinges.  Without you, I wouldn’t get this sweet taste of liberation I am savoring today.  The irony is I think I am the one that boxed up and locked away these strong and powerful parts of myself.  I even remember the few times I chastised myself and buried the stronger, angrier parts of me.

    Today, I am more whole and am rejoicing in being unhinged. Today, I understand why I buried parts of myself and I am ready to forgive. Today, I stretch my limbs and feel a new drive, power and passion and I am content.

    With every moment of every day, may we all be blessed with the clarity, inspiration and courage to get a PhD in Being Me, and may we do so as authentically and gently as possible.

    With love ❤️!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • At the end

    Photo by Alan Cabello on Pexels.com

    At the end – a poem

    At the end

    I am emptied out

    I am numb

    I am a shell of myself

    Is this bad?

    Is this the true end?

    Or is this the end of who I used to be?

    Of how I used to relate to the world?

    All of this death, these endings, they keep leading me to a brighter, more true existence

    As the gentle, sensitive, loving and caring person I am

    Life is handing me my heart

    And it is bathed in the purest, most gorgeous light

    I can see it and feel its purity and brilliance

    All while everything within and around me is crumbling

    It is the façade of me and all I thought I should be

    All turning to rubble, cascading down my emerging self

    To reveal that gorgeous light

    My heart is beating irregularly, it senses the end

    May it also sense the new beginning

    The emergence

    Of me

    Glorious me

    Reborn at the same time as spring

    Ready to blossom and grow but still needing time to strengthen

    My stem before my leaves can reach and be nourished by that golden light that shines from above and from within me

    I am here

    At the end

    At the beginning

    Emptied out, only so I fill up once again

    With all the beauty and light that has been waiting for me

    To fill me to overflowing so I can share my abundant love with those who are withering, dying, crumbling and emptying out

    I am here

    I will sing out

    All is well

    Rest now and know that you too will fill up

    All in due time

    Be still my dear one

    I love you

    A note from me:

    Sometimes I hear the whispers of a poem inside of me and I hurry to the computer to help it come alive. Other times, I only hear it and don’t act on the whispers. I am grateful I acted on it this time. This poem gave me comfort and peace. It helped me understand life’s rhythms more deeply and allowed me to relax into them, instead of struggling against their tide. It also gave me more confidence, it helped me to realize that there is much freedom that comes from the emptying out and filling up. I realized that at the end, there is only another beginning. Wherever you are in life, overwhelmed, excited, depressed, happy, anxious or raging, I honor you. May these words bring you comfort as you live through life’s rhythms.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Reaching in, Reaching out

    Frost patterns on the wood of a deck
    Frost patterns that mirror the natural and raw beauty of what is described in my poem below

    Reaching in, reaching out

    I see an image of me reaching in.

    Reaching inwards to the depths of my being, reaching to find myself.

    I feel myself stirring, awakening and stretching.

    I hear the giant yawn that slowly turns into a growl, then grows louder

    And louder

    Until it roars with the joy of its awakening.

    I hear that roar and I smile. 

    I stand up straighter, taller and with more power coursing through my limbs.

    My smile broadens as I know that I am now more whole, stronger, more complete.

    I no longer feel like I’m reaching in, but instead, that I’m reaching out

    That my long lost self is reaching out to me, thanking me for my patience while it slumbered, rested, and built up strength for the next phase of my life.

    It is reaching out and upwards while simultaneously filling my entire being with its strength, power and wisdom.

    With every breath I take, may I feel more united with this gorgeous, wild and untamed part of myself.

    May I listen to its roar and its desires and hear its wishes.

    May I know that I am the soft whispers I have been feeling for the last several years and this incredible new roar that has emerged.

    Reaching in, reaching out.

    Whispering and roaring.

    Together once again, in and out.

    Whole.

     

     

  • Shedding more than just my skin

    A green and white striped snake curled up on a branch.
    Photo by Stephen Joel on Pexels.com

    Today, I feel like I am a snake who is getting ready to shed my skin. Except that I I don’t want to just shed my skin, I want to shed more.

    I want to shed my old, victim like ways.

    I want to shed this safe resting place that I have taken shelter and refuge in.

    I want to shed this fear and the echoes of trauma that keep calling and calling to me.

    I want to shed this little prison and its shackles so I can explore the rest of me, the rest of life, the entirety of my potential to grow, expand, shine and make a beautiful difference in the world.

    Here I am, like the snake in the picture, except, I have one eye open.

    That eye is looking outward, feeling the fire and rage within and it’s gauging if today is the day to shed it all.

    I take a deep breath in. I smile and roar within me and open both eyes and climb off that safe branch.

    I stretch as far as I can, both into and away from myself.

    I feel the layers of the old, flaking and crumbling off of me as I slither and stretch and climb up, and up, and up to a new view point on life.

    I start to feel more free, less encumbered, weighed down and trapped by the confines of my previous existence.

    I open my mouth and feel a roar coming up from within me. A roar that makes no sense because up until now I’ve been a roar-less snake who has been curled up, safe and protected from harm and from my past.

    But today, I have shed my old self and I am a lion. A proud, strong and gorgeous lion with a roar that shakes the trees and sends ripples into the oceans.

    A female lion roaring. Her eyes are closed and her mouth is wide open.
    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    I am a lion, one who has walked the Earth for millennia, bringing new life, power and strength to all who see and hear me.

    I am a lion, fierce, proud, and scarred from battles but ready to stand strong and fight for myself and for those who are healing. The ones who are curled up and incubating in the echoes of their past until it is their time to shed the old and walk the Earth anew. Afire. Awash with their strength. Full of roars and power. Just like I am becoming today.

    Here I am Life. Hear me roar. I am Mighty. I am ancient and brand new. I am both a whisper and a mighty roar. I am it All, re-arisen from the ashes of my past, with a new body, new skin, new image, and new confidence. I am roaring and I am glorious.

    To those who can’t yet roar, I am here, roaring, prowling, and making the path clear and safe for you, for your emergence, for your shedding and for your transformation.

    For you and for us, I roar. In honor of our collective pain, traumas, and past, I roar. Peace be with you as you rest, incubate and heal. I will be here, ready to rejoice when we can roar together and set our world free.

    A close up of a male lion's face. He is beautiful, strong and fierce.
    Photo by Alexas Fotos on Pexels.com

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Shutting down

    Image of a black swirling staircase
    Photo by Robin Schreiner on Pexels.com

    I shut down sometimes.

    Sometimes I shut others out.

    Sometimes it feels like I’m shutting myself out.

    Shutting down.

    Is it a healthy coping mechanism?

    No, I don’t really think so.

    Is it okay that I do it?

    Ya, I think so.

    Sometimes my computer just gets that loading circle right when I’m in the middle of doing something. I guess I’m like that sometimes too, I just need time and space to breathe deeply, to allow myself to process what’s going on and to fortify myself for responding to myself and life in the healthiest, most loving and respectful ways possible.

    Am I haunted by echoes of the pain of being shut out by others? Yes.

    Can learning to embrace my need to shut down help me look at that pain with more compassion, empathy and understanding? Yes.

    Here I am, smiling and knowing that it is okay, that I am okay, that I am doing great and that with each realization, the self-judgement lessens, the need to be this perfect person dissolves and I can breathe deeply, embrace my humanity, love the me I am, the me I was and the me I will be.

    May we all allows ourselves to be, to breathe, and to know that with every moment, we are learning, growing and exactly as we are meant to be.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Emergence

    Image of a caterpillar that just emerged from a chrysalis.
    Photo by Nandhu Kumar on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in 2016 or so. It is very special to me, as it very beautifully describes how I learned to turn around within myself to find me. No preamble or explanation can really set the stage better than the poem itself. May it inspire you to further emergence of your most wonderful self. xoxoxoxo

    Emergence – a poem

    What if all the longing I felt my whole life was just so simple?

    What if I thought I longed for another, when really,

    I was just longing for myself?

    For my own attention,

    comfort,

    care,

    compassion and

    love?

    What if every time I longed to be passionate about a cause like my friends

    or to have a boyfriend or

    a romantic encounter,

    all I really wanted was for me to turn around

    and take a look at the beauty and rawness that was always there?

    What if all of the external things were only traps

    that I unknowingly fell into again and again,

    feeling the press and pressure to fall in

    from society

    from family

    from what is expected

    and normal

    and what should be done?

    What if now I’ve fallen enough times?

    What if I choose to be done climbing out of the holes and traps?

    What if I choose to turn around,

    to be bold and brave

    and to embrace the me that has always been here;

    the real me,

    the one who has been patiently waiting for me,

    the one who never longed, desired, craved or grew angry?

    The one who accepted me and all of the distractions I got caught up in,

    knowing that at one point,

    its love, benevolence and grace

    would catch my true attention.

    What would happen then?

    What did happen….

    I learned to turn around and

    I found a raw, pure and innocent part of my being that has always been with me.

    It has an unbroken connection to infinity

    to the stars

    to the universe

    to the divinity within all.

    I went for it.

    I stepped toward it and it has been entering me and filling me since.

    Where it will take me, I don’t know, but I’m not falling, I’m only

    cycling with the waves of emotion that are rising up within me

    from such a radical

    yet obvious

    choice.

    Through a willingness to have an open heart,

    to live from vulnerability instead

    of from fear and protection

    and a realisation that all of my dreams had come true

    before I had even noticed,

    I turned around.

    At that point, the gateway to my vulnerability opened

    and it was gently guided by a beautiful soul

    who whispered to me,

    who helped me turn around and thank myself.  He helped me

    to realise the beauty in my own heart and

    to feel the purity and innocence within me;

    radiating and pulsing like a star about to be born.

    I am grateful to be here.

    I am grateful to be emerging.

    May I fly like the firefly,

    landing gently on the arms of my fellow brothers and sisters,

    reminding them of the light that is within them…

    if only they would just turn around

    and look.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.