Frost patterns that mirror the natural and raw beauty of what is described in my poem below
Reaching in, reaching out
I see an image of me reaching in.
Reaching inwards to the depths of my being, reaching to find myself.
I feel myself stirring, awakening and stretching.
I hear the giant yawn that slowly turns into a growl, then grows louder
And louder
Until it roars with the joy of its awakening.
I hear that roar and I smile.
I stand up straighter, taller and with more power coursing through my limbs.
My smile broadens as I know that I am now more whole, stronger, more complete.
I no longer feel like I’m reaching in, but instead, that I’m reaching out
That my long lost self is reaching out to me, thanking me for my patience while it slumbered, rested, and built up strength for the next phase of my life.
It is reaching out and upwards while simultaneously filling my entire being with its strength, power and wisdom.
With every breath I take, may I feel more united with this gorgeous, wild and untamed part of myself.
May I listen to its roar and its desires and hear its wishes.
May I know that I am the soft whispers I have been feeling for the last several years and this incredible new roar that has emerged.
Today, I feel like I am a snake who is getting ready to shed my skin. Except that I I don’t want to just shed my skin, I want to shed more.
I want to shed my old, victim like ways.
I want to shed this safe resting place that I have taken shelter and refuge in.
I want to shed this fear and the echoes of trauma that keep calling and calling to me.
I want to shed this little prison and its shackles so I can explore the rest of me, the rest of life, the entirety of my potential to grow, expand, shine and make a beautiful difference in the world.
Here I am, like the snake in the picture, except, I have one eye open.
That eye is looking outward, feeling the fire and rage within and it’s gauging if today is the day to shed it all.
I take a deep breath in. I smile and roar within me and open both eyes and climb off that safe branch.
I stretch as far as I can, both into and away from myself.
I feel the layers of the old, flaking and crumbling off of me as I slither and stretch and climb up, and up, and up to a new view point on life.
I start to feel more free, less encumbered, weighed down and trapped by the confines of my previous existence.
I open my mouth and feel a roar coming up from within me. A roar that makes no sense because up until now I’ve been a roar-less snake who has been curled up, safe and protected from harm and from my past.
But today, I have shed my old self and I am a lion. A proud, strong and gorgeous lion with a roar that shakes the trees and sends ripples into the oceans.
I am a lion, one who has walked the Earth for millennia, bringing new life, power and strength to all who see and hear me.
I am a lion, fierce, proud, and scarred from battles but ready to stand strong and fight for myself and for those who are healing. The ones who are curled up and incubating in the echoes of their past until it is their time to shed the old and walk the Earth anew. Afire. Awash with their strength. Full of roars and power. Just like I am becoming today.
Here I am Life. Hear me roar. I am Mighty. I am ancient and brand new. I am both a whisper and a mighty roar. I am it All, re-arisen from the ashes of my past, with a new body, new skin, new image, and new confidence. I am roaring and I am glorious.
To those who can’t yet roar, I am here, roaring, prowling, and making the path clear and safe for you, for your emergence, for your shedding and for your transformation.
For you and for us, I roar. In honor of our collective pain, traumas, and past, I roar. Peace be with you as you rest, incubate and heal. I will be here, ready to rejoice when we can roar together and set our world free.
Sometimes my computer just gets that loading circle right when I’m in the middle of doing something. I guess I’m like that sometimes too, I just need time and space to breathe deeply, to allow myself to process what’s going on and to fortify myself for responding to myself and life in the healthiest, most loving and respectful ways possible.
Am I haunted by echoes of the pain of being shut out by others? Yes.
Can learning to embrace my need to shut down help me look at that pain with more compassion, empathy and understanding? Yes.
Here I am, smiling and knowing that it is okay, that I am okay, that I am doing great and that with each realization, the self-judgement lessens, the need to be this perfect person dissolves and I can breathe deeply, embrace my humanity, love the me I am, the me I was and the me I will be.
May we all allows ourselves to be, to breathe, and to know that with every moment, we are learning, growing and exactly as we are meant to be.
I wrote this poem in 2016 or so. It is very special to me, as it very beautifully describes how I learned to turn around within myself to find me. No preamble or explanation can really set the stage better than the poem itself. May it inspire you to further emergence of your most wonderful self. xoxoxoxo
Emergence – a poem
What if all the longing I felt my whole life was just so simple?
What if I thought I longed for another, when really,
I was just longing for myself?
For my own attention,
comfort,
care,
compassion and
love?
What if every time I longed to be passionate about a cause like my friends
or to have a boyfriend or
a romantic encounter,
all I really wanted was for me to turn around
and take a look at the beauty and rawness that was always there?
What if all of the external things were only traps
that I unknowingly fell into again and again,
feeling the press and pressure to fall in
from society
from family
from what is expected
and normal
and what should be done?
What if now I’ve fallen enough times?
What if I choose to be done climbing out of the holes and traps?
What if I choose to turn around,
to be bold and brave
and to embrace the me that has always been here;
the real me,
the one who has been patiently waiting for me,
the one who never longed, desired, craved or grew angry?
The one who accepted me and all of the distractions I got caught up in,
knowing that at one point,
its love, benevolence and grace
would catch my true attention.
What would happen then?
What did happen….
I learned to turn around and
I found a raw, pure and innocent part of my being that has always been with me.
It has an unbroken connection to infinity
to the stars
to the universe
to the divinity within all.
I went for it.
I stepped toward it and it has been entering me and filling me since.
Where it will take me, I don’t know, but I’m not falling, I’m only
cycling with the waves of emotion that are rising up within me
from such a radical
yet obvious
choice.
Through a willingness to have an open heart,
to live from vulnerability instead
of from fear and protection
and a realisation that all of my dreams had come true
before I had even noticed,
I turned around.
At that point, the gateway to my vulnerability opened
and it was gently guided by a beautiful soul
who whispered to me,
who helped me turn around and thank myself. He helped me
to realise the beauty in my own heart and
to feel the purity and innocence within me;
radiating and pulsing like a star about to be born.
I am grateful to be here.
I am grateful to be emerging.
May I fly like the firefly,
landing gently on the arms of my fellow brothers and sisters,
I’ve been sick the past few days and it has helped put things in perspective. Even when I am sick or struggling with the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety, I am always blooming. Even when I feel like I am taking several steps back, I am always blooming.
It’s so easy to get down on myself, to forget the wonderful person I am, the good I do for myself and others each day, and the multitude of healthy choices I make. It’s easy to focus on what isn’t going well, when there is so much beauty and goodness in my life, much of which I have chosen, cultivated and nourished. I wonder….does a flower ever say, “damn it, I should have bloomed fully by now. I’m not sure why I’m lagging behind?” Or do it just revel in joy that it is always blooming and growing, even through the stages that may appear to be less beautiful? I wonder….
Wherever you are at in your life, may you know how glorious you are through every struggle, every heartache, every moment of despair. May you know that you are constantly blooming, even if the soil of your heart’s garden doesn’t seem very fertile, or if the sun doesn’t seem to be shining on you.
Every moment you live, may you be inspired to make the healthiest and wisest choices possible and may you connect with the true beauty you are. May you see yourself as always blooming, even when everything around you is changing with the seasons of life. I see you and I honor you. I am cheering you on and smiling at you.
I am sensitive, easily stressed and anxious. I am also growing and learning and finding new ways to care for the wonderfully sensitive person I am.
As I reflect back on my life, I see how many times I didn’t know I had options. I would just be anxious and sit in that for a long time. I often related to myself and life from a very disempowered and victim-like place. In the last months, I have been growing more empowered as I learn more options for responding to life. Am I an expert yet? No! Does it feel awesome when I first remember that I have choices and then actually explore them? Yes!
I am very fortunate to have had an opportunity to talk with a therapist from the Kemptville Stress Relief Centre. She gave me some excellent advice that seemed to have opened up a dormant part of my being. I was asking about how to set my kid up for success in life and she empowered me so I could empower my kid. It was really awesome. More specifically, she encouraged me to do some research about my areas of concern, talk to my kid about them, work together to find solutions and agree to check in with each other regularly. It seemed so simple and so much more effective than just worrying without any action.
Since that time, I have been noticing that I feel more confident and empowered, and less anxious as a result. It’s amazing to remind myself of how capable I am and that I don’t have to feel like a victim when I give myself space and time to consider options, consult experts, talk about my feelings, talk to my family or friends, etc. I understand that it will take time to let this sink in and for this new way of being to be my default. In the meantime, I pledge to recognize my anxiety and explore my options so I can become more empowered.
Does this resonate with you? Have you also felt anxious and stuck like a victim? What have you done to move forward with respect and care for yourself? I am excited to be at this place in my life, better late than never, eh?
Thanks for reading! And big hugs to you! I love and honor you as you become an expert in being your lovely self!
In this self-care, self-love journey, I have noticed that there are times when I am going to war with myself. It was an important but sad realization. How many of us have improved our relationships with ourselves, friends and family and the world, but are still fighting on the inside?
My hope is that with this new self-awareness of this tendency that I will move towards healthier and honorable ways of relating to myself and dealing with my big emotions. Here are some ways that I noticed I was going to war with myself:
A few weeks ago, I got very angry over something that happened and I caught myself picking at my finger and causing a lot of pain. I have done that since my teens, but that day I was able to see how I was taking the anger I was feeling and throwing it painfully right back at myself.
When I am emotionally tired or upset or overwhelmed, I tend to eat to comfort myself. This realization has been a long time coming. Recently while I was eating to get comfort, I realized how unhealthy that was. It felt like my emotions were saying, “Hey Bradlee, things are really out of balance and we need you,” and I was responding in a way that didn’t acknowledge those feelings but kept them down through food.
These may not seem like much of a war or a battle to someone outside of me, but I’m the one who has been living with this battle for 30+ years. It’s been a long, drawn out fight to stay above the surface of my humanity and I’ve done that by fighting myself, my body and my emotions. I love the image at the top of this post. No amount of armor can truly stop me from being human and having a whole range of feelings and experiences. No matter what, here I am, wide open, and learning how to get a PhD in Being Me. I think that means learning to put down my shield, take off my visor and remove the chest plate and learn how to soothe myself to bring an end to my inner war.
This song has inspired me countless times; I heard it again this morning and decided to use its opening line as the title for this post. If you’re inspired, you can check it out, it’s by Trevor Hall and it’s called, “Put Down What You Are Carrying” : https://youtu.be/qvMzebnP170
Thanks for reading and I look forward to sharing what I learn over the next few weeks as I end the inner war and anchor greater light, love and respect for myself, for my family and for all.
A gorgeous sunset in Kemptville that reminded me of the glory and strength within the hearts of all
From 2015 to 2018, I was so deeply inspired by the massive spiritual and personal growth I was going through. I would often just be making a meal, sitting, or working and then I would be filled with some words that I just had to type out very quickly. As I understand it now, the divide between my inner wisdom and my awareness was getting smaller and I was being guided from within through these poems.
I remember the day I wrote Ambassadors the poem below. I was on my lunch break and I was going to start making myself some food. I was drawn to a notebook and I wrote out this poem and then just kept going on with my day. Later on when I typed it out, I realized how beautiful, deep and profound it was. If you have been going through any type of spiritual growth or awakening, may this bring you some comfort and guidance. Alternatively, if you have been working on finding yourself and living your true life, then may it also help you find what makes you feel your best.
For as long as I can remember, I haven’t taken responsibility for how I feel. I have blamed or resented other people, thinking it was their fault I was mad, sad, disempowered, or overwhelmed.
I have related to life as a victim for a very long time. I even remember writing in my diary in grade 6 and thinking to myself, “Ah, look at that, this is the role I will be playing in my life.” It was like my inner wisdom was observing me taking on the persona of victimhood.
I have had a lifetime of Oscar worthy performances as a victim, with many breakthroughs over the years where I live from a more empowered and confident place. Thankfully, through my efforts to get to know, love, and care for myself, I am seeing the role of “victim” for what it is, a role.
Maybe as I get closer to getting a PhD in Being Me, I am also becoming my own casting director in the play of my life. Maybe I am also the executive producer, star performer, prompter, props person, and even playwright. Maybe that’s why I recently had the thought: How I feel is nobody’s fault.
I first had that thought while I was walking the dogs in mid-January. It was like I stepped outside of myself and looked at my life from a place of emotional freedom, and those words, “How I feel is nobody’s fault,” trickled into my being and unshackled me. This was very profound for me because of my pattern of blaming and resenting others instead of taking responsibility for myself.
For example, with chronic fatigue syndrome, I have limited energy each day. Sometimes, when I was especially tired, I would resent my chores, my job, my body, my family, or my dogs. It has been hard for me to remember deep in my being that it is no one’s fault I am so tired or that I choose to resent or blame instead of just being tired. The truth is, I have been resenting and blaming for a long time, way before I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue. That realization of “how I feel is nobody’s fault” has shifted my perspective to one where I can take responsibility for how I feel, which frees me from blame, resentment, and perpetual victimhood.
For two days after those words, “How I feel is nobody’s fault,” I kept repeating that realization to myself and feeling the freedom within it. I was more liberated in terms of how I related to others and the responsibilities in my life. It was heavenly. I then was thrust back into feeling like a victim until that freedom and sense of peace and self autonomy came back to me.
I expect that I will cycle through this realization as it deepens and loosens up those rigid, disempowered aspects of my being until I am more free, autonomous, and accountable to and responsible for myself. May the loosening and softening be as loving, gentle, and respectful as possible for me, for you dear reader, and for all. No force or pressure, just beautiful dawning and expanding of autonomy in all aspects of our individual and collective beingness.
A NOTE: This realization stems from me relating to life as a victim. This realization is from my inner work and isn’t meant to tell anyone who is being abused or hurt by another in any way that it is not their abusers fault. Abuse of any kind is not okay, and it is wrong. If you are in an abusive situation, I love you, and it is not your fault. I encourage you to reach out to loved ones or professional support where you live, and may you receive all the love, support, and care you need.
Thank you for reading. Wherever you are in your life or how you are feeling, I support you!
I wrote this poem in 2017. It was when I knew that I could be kinder to myself and I was experimenting with how to do so. I remember just feeling so constrained and wondering what I was trying to measure up to and why. I like the strain in this poem and the dawning of the realization I was having. I feel like it’s a bit messy and I like it that way. I feel like it’s messy because the idea was so new to me, that there was less of the usual flow that’s in my writing. I invite you to check it out and may it help free you from any prisons of perfection you have been living in. Big hugs!!
False Perfection - a poem
What is the measure of perfection?
I have always strived for perfection without really ever having a true definition of perfection.
Recently I realized that it was some kind of false ideal that I was striving to, one that was unattainable, unrealistic and certainly not defined by me.
I was setting myself up to fail and to hate myself time and time again
As I was wanting to measure myself and my actions against a non-existent
Standard.
I have seen others hate themselves and berate themselves because they
Couldn’t measure up to their undefined standards of perfection.
Let’s rise up dear brothers and sisters.
Let us liberate ourselves from these false pretenses,
These false measures that are not based in any reality,
That are more like prisons that don’t have any walls.
Once you know there are no walls and everything is false
About the ideals we strive for that are not defined by any heart
Spirit or the Universe,
Then the false ideals fall away and
There is then time to get to know the way of the heart
The way that has always been there, waiting for the seeds of truth
To be planted within our hearts, once we step out of the darkness
Of the prison with no walls, into the gardens of our hearts,
Where there is always truth, nothing false and we remember
That everything is here to help us, even false pretenses.
PhD in Being Me 