PhD in Being Me

Tag: spirituality

  • This is Me

    A photo of Bradlee and her dog Maggie snuggled up on the couch.
    Me, first thing in the morning, with beautiful Maggie

    I wrote the poem below in April 2021. It is still so valid and really represents my journey in working towards a PhD in Being Me. It is very raw and vulnerable and makes me feel so proud of myself and how far I have come. May it inspire you too! xoxoxoxo

    This is Me – a poem

    Here I am
Burst open
Coming apart at the seams
Feeling emotional, happy, destroyed and broken
All at once
 
This is me
For years and years
I have tried to manage myself
Control myself
Force myself
Perfect myself
And all along
I was there
Waiting patiently under the surface
To be loved, seen, heard, valued and treasured
Just as I am
 
Here I am
Me
Anxious me
Sensitive me
Cautious me
Daring me
Chip eating and coke drinking me
The me who swears
The me who gets passionate about injustice
The me who is always trying to do the right thing because I care so much
The me who is so beautiful inside and out
Here I am
Me
 
I have stopped trying to compartmentalize me
Stopped trying to understand myself as a concept that can never be taught or mastered
But can only be lived as me
Holding my own hand from the inside out
Smiling at myself through all of my weaknesses and strengths
And moving forward anyway
Even if the way I feel, think, act and am isn’t in line with the vision of the perfect person I have nearly killed myself to be.
 
What if I’m just me
Exactly as I am
Just as I am
No more, no less
Just me?
 
I think it would be liberating and it would help me end the endless cycles of abuse I’ve been swirling in.
Today, I dare to do this.
Today, I hug myself instead of berate myself.
Today, I honor my battle scars and I tend to my wounds.
Today, I stop trying to be anyone other than me.
Today, I am just as I am.
 
With every breath I take, may I anchor greater personal freedom, liberation and acceptance for myself, for my family and for the wellbeing and evolution of all.
May you be blessed with the courage, strength and gentleness to be you, exactly you, just as you are.
I am with you, doing my best and being vulnerable as the beautiful, sweet soul I am and may you feel loved, just as you are.


    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Giving myself time

    A sunset behind trees covered with ice and snow.

    I love this image. I took it at sunset a few weeks ago. It reminds me that there is a lot of beauty in the day’s transitions. Here is another of a sunrise from the front of my house.

    These two images remind me that the sun doesn’t rush it’s rising or setting. Nor does it seem to judge what’s going on in the sky while it is going through those transitions. It just is. And it’s always perfect and beautiful. So, how can I translate this wisdom to myself?

    Lately, I have been dealing with big feelings on and off. I’ve loved it because I am learning to allow myself space and time to be with my feelings. This is the opposite approach I used to take. It’s uncomfortable to be with some of these big feelings but it is also so liberating. I understand that they are here for a reason and that it is okay for me to sit with them, to just be with them. The other important thing I am learning is that I am okay even though I am feeling them. That is a big win.

    So, these feelings are like a slow and glorious sunrise. There are different phases of a gorgeous sunrise. At first the sky gently starts to lighten. The sky may then explode into bursts of color, or highlight the underside of the clouds like in the second photo. Then the sun itself emerges over the horizon and creates this magnificent light and it feels like the world is celebrating. Afterwards, the sun continues to rise and bring us light and warmth (can you tell it’s winter here?).

    I am seeing that my feelings have phases too. Sometimes they let me know they are there because I feel uncomfortable in my belly or chest. Other times, they explode and I feel them in my body and it’s like there is a shaking or a rumbling inside me. Occasionally it takes me a few days or weeks of my feelings rising and setting within me to understand their purpose and messages. That is what’s been going on for the past 3 weeks or so. The message in my feelings became clear to me on my walk this morning. It was perfect and beautiful and brought me much relief, even though I hadn’t liked feeling this way.

    I also started understanding that being uncomfortable with these big feelings wasn’t wrong, it was like the feelings were incubating within me before they could burst out like a glorious sunrise and share their inspiration with me. I had to watch and feel those feelings set every night with the sun and know that they would rise again with the sun until I was ready.

    Gosh, it is so freeing to understand myself and my feelings better. It feels so good to be making some sense of my life’s rhythms instead of constantly thinking I should be better at being happy all the time. I am a human. I have rhythms, I am affected by the winds of change within and around me, and that is a gift. I would rather be in sync with the rhythms on our beautiful planet than hold myself to some rigid expectations and suffer as a result.

    May you all be blessed with so much ease, light and grace as you learn and explore your own natural rhythms too. With every breath you take, may you write beautiful treaties of peace with yourself, your feelings, your body, mind, heart and soul. Big hugs!

    Scrabble tiles that spell the word love with a red heart next to it.
    Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Overwhelmed and angry

    I have really been enjoying feeling angry in the last month. I have a complicated relationship with anger…I used to shove it down….I used to be scared of what I would do if I got angry, so I wouldn’t let myself even feel it. The problem is that it was fermenting and boiling inside of me.

    I am feeling really hopeful because it has been easier for me to feel anger, which is a fabulous step in giving myself permission to feel anger. It also will allow anger to signal to me when there is a problem, which is its beautiful and very important purpose.

    I wrote the following as I was exploring these new feelings. May it help you in connecting with any feelings you have also denied, shut down or shoved down. Thank you for reading. May your heart be light ❤️.

    “Here I am
    Yet again
    Motherf#$&<ng mad and resentful as shit.
    It is overflowing from all over and within me and I hate it.
    I don’t want to feel this way.
    I don’t like it and it doesn’t feel like the way I want to feel.
    But here it is anyway, this anger and resentment is overwhelmingly loud,
    “What about me”
    And
    “Leave me alone” fill my being.
    I can imagine where those loud feelings come from but I still hate them.
    They are valid and completely fair, I just hate them anyway.
    I feel like I become a monster with no limits, just a big gaping maw of anger and
    this scares me.
    I trust myself and I feel incredibly guilty after this crushing wave of anger but I still trust myself.
    I wish I could trust the anger, trust what it is telling me about my needs to rest, put myself first and be still, but sometimes there is still life to live, so how do I balance it all?
    How do I invite more joy in my life without being realistic that I don’t always have energy for those joy bringing activities?
    Hmm, maybe it’s okay to get angry.
    What if I only feel guilty because I think I shouldn’t get angry?
    I love having boundaries. I love feeling them. I love knowing so easily now when one is being crossed and I need to take action.  I f@#$ing love it.
    So…the past 2 times I got angry, my boundaries of what is acceptable behavior were massively violated. And I got angry. I guess what I’d like to do is respond in a way that feels better, less reactive, and more in a way I can feel better about. Like using my anger as a guide and then taking it a step further and using that anger to power a more conscious response instead of a lashing out response. That feels good.  Okay, great. Thanks anger and resentment for teaching me this important lesson.  I really appreciate it.  There are always options, eh?  Xoxoxo”

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Walking Together

    Photo of a pumpkin carved into a heart, with a candle inside.
    My first heart pumpkin, it felt so right to put some love out on Halloween!

    Walking Together – a poem

    Hello my darling one,

    I feel that my whole energy field is jangled and that there is a sensitivity on my skin because my nervous system is all out of whack.

    How can I best help you dearest one? 

    You are so important to me, more than important than anything.

    You matter to me like the Earth needs the sun and rain.

    You matter to me like my inhalations and exhalations.

    There is no me without you and I’m wondering how you are doing?

    This is a really big change, a huge one.  It’s one that used to shatter me into many pieces and it feels like that is happening again.

    Oh, ya?  Is that right? The shattering isn’t necessarily a bad thing?  How is this shattering helping me do you think?

    It’s giving me a chance to align myself differently with the world?  To position myself from a place of confidence and authority, those positions that I have learned about and explored over the past several years?

    Hmmm, that makes sense.  What do you think I need to do to nurture myself during this shattering?

    Breathe in confidence and breathe out doubt.  Breathe in all the beauty that I am and smile for all that I thought I was that is now in millions of pieces on the ground.

    Go outside, lay on the snow and smile and breathe deeply.

    Here I am, I am here.  As beautiful and vulnerable and cute as ever, but with a greater connection to myself and what matters to me.

    Here I am, I am here, regardless of whether our foster dog is anxious, abused and recovering or not.  

    Here I am, I am here, precious, sensitive and in need of care.

    Here I am, breaking the cycles of abuse within me and around me by daring to turn within to nurture myself and be with myself while I am processing, discovering, thriving and struggling. 

    Here I am.

    I am here.

    May I always be here for myself with every breath I take. 

    Note from me about this poem:

    I wrote this poem in December 2022 shortly after we welcomed a new dog into our family. He was a stray dog and he had a lot of anxiety and trauma. I was completely overwhelmed by his needs at first and I wrote this poem to help me process what I was feeling. Lately, life has been giving me opportunities to approach circumstances differently than I used to. I felt very much like this was one of those times, but I wasn’t sure how to approach anything differently. Writing this helped me connect to that fear and overwhelm and gave my maturity a chance to rise up from the scattered pieces of myself to guide me. I love reading this again, it helps me. May we all be blessed with inspiration about how we can best help, guide, and support ourselves! Big hugs!! xoxoxo Bradlee

    A blue sky with the sun hidden by misty clouds low in the sky.
    This photo reminds me of my wisdom and maturity coming up from within me, just like the sun rising above those beautiful clouds. This photo is from a gorgeous morning in Kemptville.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Some things take time – my first poetry book and a new poem

    Book cover image. Title of book, "From My Heart to Yours, poems to support you in times of grief, loss and transition." Includes image of a beautiful field with the sky and clouds.

    I have been writing poetry for several years now. Writing has helped and guided me through periods of massive personal growth. It has also helped me learn to connect with myself and learn to become an expert in taking care of myself.

    I kept my writing in a drawer for quite awhile. When I slowly and shyly started sharing it with others, I started understanding how powerful my words were. And how they contained so much healing and acceptance.

    I am so grateful to be able to transform my life experiences into poetry; lately I have been feeling the depth of my poetry’s alchemy. I feel its power to help heal, guide and validate others and I am humbled and grateful. And so, I am sharing the exciting news that I have published my first book of poems about grief, loss and transition. I am donating the proceeds to the Beth Donovan Hospice to thank them for all they did for me after my mom passed unexpectedly in February 2019. It is my hope that it brings peace, comfort and healing to all those who need it 💕. I invite you to learn more here:

    Poetry Book

    I offer this new poem in honor of you and all the pain, heartache, grief and loss it has included. It is dedicated to my beautiful friend Carla ❤️. She has inspired me to know that no matter how agonizingly slow my personal growth and ability to self-love have seemed, it is okay. Some things take time.

    Some things take time

    “We don’t judge a fetus in utero for how long it takes until it is ready to be born.
    We don’t rush a flower to hurry up and bloom while the petals are still forming.
    We don’t expect a toddler to write a PhD thesis or to be able to drive a car.

    So why do we rush ourselves through our healing?
    Why do we judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at?

    Some things take time. 
    The exact amount of time until they are ready, not because they are slow, doing anything wrong or broken.
    But just because that’s the amount of time they need.

    If you are frustrated, angry or overwhelmed by the length, depth and breadth of your healing journey, I am with you.
    I have felt like this for the last 10 years.
    What I woke up this morning with is this,
    ‘Some things take time.’
    I feel like there is so much truth in that.

    Maybe if we can be with ourselves and sit in our discomfort and pain, we wouldn’t judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at.
    Maybe if our culture didn’t value doing over being, we would all expect a long period of healing in our lives and we would know that some things take time.
    Whatever the reasons, what matters is this:
    You are valid no matter what is going on in your life.
    You matter even if you have been in a tough spot for what feels like 100 years too long.
    You are a precious treasure even if you feel as worthless as the gum under a school desk or as gross as poop stuck to a shoe.
    You are special even if you have been crying, yelling, grieving, hating or fearing for longer than you ever wanted to.
    With each breath you take today and every day, may all cycles of abuse within your life and those around you be completely healed and resolved.
    With every judgement, may you love yourself more than ever before.
    With every moment you choose to be instead of do, may our societal expectations of value from doing be completely healed and transformed.

    Some things take time.
    You are worthy of all the time you need.
    Breathe in and know, you matter.
    Take your time dear one, take your time.”

    Thanks for reading. I love and honor you exactly as you are. Some things take time, even publishing poetry books, writing blogs, or having the strength to become an expert in yourself. I super get it and I am with you!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved

  • Disappointment

    The sun setting in our backyard

    Disappointment – a poem

    Note from me: I wrote this poem a few months ago and I’d been wondering where I saved it! Well, I found it this morning, and lo and behold, it has a similar feel to the one I published yesterday about Rage. I can feel how much easier it is for me to be with my strong feelings instead of pushing them down like I used to. I am finding so much strength in admitting my feelings, my weaknesses, my chronic fatigue and anxiety. I used to think that being human made me weak, but now I see that owning my humanity through being open and vulnerable, both with myself and others, is a friggin superpower.

    Disappointment.

    It is flowing through my bones.

    It seems to start deep down within me

    And it works its way up through my conscious awareness

    Until I feel it winding its way around my organs.

    It starts squeezing them, choking them off from their energy source.

    The disappointment seeps into every aspect of my beingness

    And it seems to want to choke me from the inside.

    Disappointment.

    I want to run away from it but there is nowhere I can hide

    Because it is everywhere within me.

    I want to drown it and be the one to choke it but I can’t seem to grasp it.

    The bitterness of the disappointment echoes everywhere within my body, which

    Keep it going and going and going.

    Disappointment.

    Why? 

    Why are people so disappointing?

    Why is the state of our world like this, so utterly disappointing?

    Why can’t we seem to overcome this madness, this unconsciousness?

    Either way, I won’t be able to answer these questions,

    Because it’s just me and this massive disappointment.

    I guess we’d better learn to coexist and hang out together.

    ……

    Hey disappointment….I know you’re here for a reason, an especially good reason.

    You are super valid.  People are pretty damn disappointing lately.

    Wanna watch a movie and eat some pizza together?

    Let’s keep each other company while we nurture these strong feelings.

    And may they be healed with every moment that I am honest about my experience, for myself, for the disappointed, for the ones causing disappointment and for all.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • RAGE

    Photo by moein moradi on Pexels.com

    RAGE – a poem

    Rage.

    It burns under my skin.

    It fills up my throat and threatens to erupt in screams.

    Rage.

    It wants me to yell, scream, swear and throw things.

    Rage.

    It makes me feel powerful enough that I can breathe flames and roar so the whole world can hear me. 

    Rage.

    It is a gift.  

    It tells me when I need to do something for me and signals when I may be overgiving or forgetting to take care of my own needs.

    Rage.

    It scares me and empowers me all at once.  

    Rage.

    It gave me the energy and power to re-order my website today instead of being such a victim to my circumstances.

    Rage.

    It came to me today to say, “hey you chose to make lunch for your family right when you were in the middle of something that you were really enjoying.  You can chose you first, your family knows you love them to the farthest reaches of the universe.”

    Rage.

    My friend.  My guide.  

    A censored part of me that I really want to get to know better.

    Rage.

    Hey Rage…I want to hang out with you and really get what you’re here to teach me.

    Want to be a more welcome and included part of my life, instead of being relegated to the deepest, darkest parts of myself that I never visit?

    Do you want to explore together so we can both life in more balanced and healthy and empowered ways?  

    Ya?  

    Awesome.  

    Thanks Rage, you’re the best.  I don’t know why it took me so long to get you and to really feel and hear you.  

    Thanks for waiting for me.  

    Photo by Muffin Creatives on Pexels.com

    A note from me about this poem: It felt so good to write this. It felt good to acknowledge my rage and to get to know it better the more words I wrote. I really look forward to honoring my feelings of rage more and to make space for me to feel them. Okay, I may also be looking forward to throwing some sticks on my abundantly large property where no one can get hurt. May we all be open to what our emotions, even the unpleasant ones, are here to teach us. Big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • How a total lunar eclipse helped me

    Photo by Alex Andrews on Pexels.com

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety, but I also have a huge heart, a cute innocence about the way I interact with the world, a love of swearing, a tall, strong body and an awakening consciousness that sometimes truly humbles and astounds me.

    That was a long sentence, but it was needed to show the greater totality of me. I am not just one aspect of my beingness, I am it all. And no one part is any greater or less worthy than other, and that is what the total lunar eclipse I witnessed the other day reminded me of.

    My husband Robbin told us that we could witness the eclipse between 3 and 6am. I thought it would be awesome to observe but sleep is very critical to my days so I didn’t plan to wake up. At 4:30am though, I felt this call from deep within me to awaken. It was really different than how I usually wake up in the early morning hours, it really was a calling. When I woke up enough, I realized it was the eclipse calling to me.

    I hurried out of bed and went out onto the back deck, and there it was. A gorgeous full moon that was so bright but with a significant portion of it covered in darkness. I felt so alive and grateful, I stayed out there getting colder and feeling the beauty and power in what I was so blessed to witness.

    I climbed back into bed and opened the curtains so I could watch the transition to a full eclipse while lying down. It was an incredible and awe-inspiring experience. I got to watch our backyard and the moon transform from fully illuminated to being covered in darkness, just like in the image at the top of this post.

    I ran outside again as there was only the tiniest sliver of light showing on the edge of the moon. I drank in the magic and mystery of this beautiful eclipse and it fed me deep in my soul and bones. I couldn’t seem to get enough. As I returned to bed and continued to watch, I saw the parallel between the total lunar eclipse and my life.

    It seemed like the time leading up to the total eclipse went by very quickly, but when the moon was completely dark, it stayed that way for so long. While totally dark, the moon was deep orange/brown, which showed me that the light reflecting off the moon was still there, and was likely visible in other parts of the world (I am no astronomer 😁).

    Seeing how long the moon was covered in darkness made me think of my chronic fatigue. I mentioned in earlier posts how I used to think I was doing something wrong by being so drained and tired. The eclipse showed me how even a miraculous process to witness has a process and stages, just like me.

    The phase of total darkness was no less incredible than gazing at a bright full moon in the sky. It was equally worthy of my awe and attention, if not more worthy because it only happens rarely as opposed to the near daily experience I have of seeing the moon in the sky.

    The total lunar eclipse reminded me that there is beauty, worth and value in our most dark stages, and that darkness is not synonymous with bad. In fact, I have learned so much about self-love, self-care and compassion for myself and others through this time period in my life. Thank you total lunar eclipse and chronic fatigue. Thank you for your gifts. With every breath I take, may I be open to receiving them and less in a hurry to move past this important and worthy phase of my life.

    No matter where you are in life with your physical, emotional, energetic, financial, or spiritual health, may you be blessed with an abundance of love, peace, inspiration, clarity and heavily light to guide you.

    With love, Bradlee 💕💕💕

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Trusting myself

    Sometimes I wonder how I got to be 42 and I’m only now deepening my trust in myself. Other times, I understand exactly how I am at this place. The most important point I’d like to make is that it is a huge accomplishment and blessing that I now trust myself. After a lifetime of second guessing myself and looking to others to know what’s in my best interests, I am feeling much more confident.

    What does trusting myself look like in every day life? Here are some examples:

    • following my intuition (my gut) even when people are giving me advice that is contrary to those feelings
    • knowing that I belong to myself, so that no matter where I go, I will be with myself, I will fit in and I will belong
    • trusting in my ability to make healthy and wise choices for myself instead of only following advice that is on a blog, in a book, on Facebook or from a friend or family member

    Now that I am more connected to who I am (and really, who I’ve always been), I am able to understand how little I trusted or believed in myself. I have been learning to tend the garden of my mind, heart, body and soul, and I am acquiring the skills I need to be my own eternal and precious gardener. I see now that I am the master gardener, even if I sometimes only feel like a beginner or intermediate gardener.

    I have committed to making my garden more cared for, tended and weeded. I can see, feel and sense the huge difference these last few years of care have made to my eternal garden. I wrote a poem called The Eternal Gardener for a friend of mine a few years ago. I thought it was for him and about him, but I always had this funny feeling that I was missing the mark. As I’ve been writing this post, I understand that it is really for me, from the deepest part of me to the part of me who forget herself and didn’t know how to trust herself.

    I am often humbled by the enormity of the wisdom and light that comes out of my fingertips as I type and from my mouth when I speak, and this is a time for me to truly trust that wisdom and light and acknowledge it in a more grateful and empowered way. This sentence really highlights the whole point of getting a PhD in Being Me and I truly hope that by reading this blog you are more empowered to become an expert if yourself too.

    I share this poem with all of you, from the depth of my heart and soul to the depth of yours. With every word you read of this poem, may it help facilitate, nurture and strengthen your trust and connection to the awesomeness you are, and have always been. With so much love, Bradlee.

    The Eternal Gardener

    I want you to know yourself as I know you;

    As the breath that we all breathe,

    As the song in the wind,

    As the light that warms our planet,

    As the balm that heals all wounds.

    I want you to know yourself as I see you;

    With all of the glory, beauty and purity of

    God’s holy name that whispers

    in each and every heartbeat.

    Your words are like magic as they weave through my being,

    neatly and tidily collecting all suffering and carrying it home to Heaven.

    You are a gift to all who meet you and I honour you.

    I honour that you need time to realize your beauty and divinity

    and that it is only my role to notice and compliment your gifts.

    It will be up to you to dance your dance,

    and to sing your song,

    with no judgement,

    thought of worthiness or

    regard for embarrassment.

    I will wait for you and I will be with you,

    to love you and encourage you, dearest gardener, as you plant

    your own seeds of love. 

    May you watch them grow

    and may you learn how to nourish them

    as you so effortlessly do for the souls you encounter.

    Take your time, dear gardener and tend your own

    precious garden and I will be here to rejoice with you

    as you watch the blossoming unfold.

    I will be here to shine my sunlight

    and offer some drops of my own water,

    should you ever need it.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • When I “should” myself instead of going with joy

    I mentioned in a previous post that I am off work for 5 weeks. I finally gave myself permission to ask for this leave because I knew I really needed it! I am incredibly grateful to have been supported in my request for this type of leave (leave with income averaging).

    This time off has given me a chance to learn more about myself and the topic of this post is choosing from a place of “shoulding” myself instead of what brings me joy.

    Have you ever done that? Thought to yourself, “I could read this amazing book in the bath, but I think I should work on my mental health instead.” I have done things like that countless times while I’ve been off. I think being off has helped me to realize what I have been doing.

    Choosing from a place of “should” is like an obligation. There is very little joy or pleasure to be found when doing something from that place. In fact, I’ve seen how much it throws me off when I do that. This morning, I had two choices for how I was going to spend my time, and I was thinking that watching a fun movie would be great. Then, I started “shoulding” myself and I was planning how I could “better” spend my time. That’s when it hit me! Choosing what brings me joy is always the right choice.

    For example, if I’m exhausted and I still have to clean up the kitchen, choosing to rest for 15 minutes and read a book that makes me happy is the right choice. After those 15 minutes, I’ll be filled with more peace, ease and contentment and washing the dishes won’t be such a chore and obligation.

    I invite you to join me to experiment with this concept and to write me a comment or contact me to share what you’ve experienced. If you’re already a professional joy chooser, I would also love to hear from you. How did you come to choose joy? Did you always choose that way or did you learn it?

    I send you all a big hug with many blessings of clarity and inspiration in all the choices and decisions you make, each day.