PhD in Being Me

Tag: trauma

  • Nothing wrong

    Sand on a beach with the word, peace, written in it.

    It’s hard to describe just how much I’ve blamed myself for being unwell with chronic fatigue syndrome.  And for how many years, I didn’t even believe I was sick, just that I was tired, and if I could just do the right things, then I wouldn’t be so tired. 

    I’ve been on disability leave from my work for over a year and I’m still exhausted most days.  And my leave was just extended for up to another year.  It was only in the last few weeks that I realized, hmmm, I think it’s okay for me to say that I’m sick, not just that I’m so so tired. 

    The more I learn about trauma, the more the way I have treated myself makes sense.  In a way, I’ve been gaslighting myself, not really understanding that I was doing it, or how harmful it really has been.  Or that I was repeating patterns of how I’ve been treated as an innocent and unconscious way of keeping myself safe.

    I’m navigating the dark depths of my life and what I’ve survived, and the more I navigate, the more I see, understand and relax.  And the more I understand that I haven’t done anything wrong.  I am sick.  I am unwell.  And that’s okay.  It’s even okay if I never get better.  But it’s also okay if I do.  None of this is my fault, or is as a result of something I should have done better or differently.  It just is.

    This morning, I was so tired and I just felt myself laugh and know that I couldn’t keep blaming myself or working so hard to find the one thing or combination of things that will heal me.  Instead, I embraced myself, how I feel, where I’m at and the exhaustion, took a bath, and am now going to do whatever most meets my needs throughout the day.  And that will be enough.  And it’s not wrong, in fact, it’s a gift.  To have the time and space to learn how to take care of my deepest needs so that I can rest, rejuvenate and heal.  And whether I get better or not, I know I’ll be okay, because I already am despite it all. 

    I can do this and I believe in myself.  I will likely need to reread these words and relearn this lesson a few times, and that’s okay.  I’m tired.  I’m unwell.  I need rest and healing.  I am not doing anything wrong and I’m doing okay, just as I am.  And I am okay. 

    May your heart guide you and may you see the good you are despite all you’ve already survived and endured. 

    With love and care, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Thinking of my emotions like they’re a “check engine” warning

    A photo of the instrument panel on a car dashboard

    Instead of getting all riled up by my feelings, like I was earlier today, I wondered if it would help me to think of them like a little “check engine” light.  Nothing personal, nothing to fix, get over, analyze or heal from, but an indicator that some care is needed.

    If you’ve been reading my posts lately, I have been writing about my changing relationship with my most complex and challenging emotions and feelings.  I am learning how to allow my feelings, how to stay present with them, and to feel them as opposed to focusing on the events from my past that they likely stemmed from.

    So, this metaphor came to me tonight.  What if resentment, for example, is like a “check engine” light or a “check oil” light.  One that reminds me that I need care (not a car service, tee hee).  And that likely I have been sacrificing myself or not meeting my needs.  That seems pretty simple.  I felt some serious resentment over the smallest thing this evening before I realized that the last few weeks have been challenging and I needed rest.  When I thought of it this way, I didn’t feel as angry and resentful, but instead, it was super easy to tell myself I had done more than enough today and that I should lie down and watch TV.  It made a big difference to my experience of those big feelings.  It gave me a bit of separation from them and made me feel mature, grounded and able to take care of myself. 

    This realization helped me acknowledge more deeply that I haven’t been feeling great all week, and that I have been doing an excellent job experimenting with how to care for myself during this stressful week.  It’s easy for me to feel like a victim, and choiceless, but in writing this post and reflecting, I see that through small actions and choices this week, I showed up for myself, even when I got super triggered, exhausted and overwhelmed.

    I am open to exploring those big emotions as a “check engine” light that is here to help me meet my needs in each moment.  Tonight, I need to get into bed early, read and go to sleep!

    Sweet dreams, 🌟♥️🌸, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Holding space instead of overcoming

    Note to readers: this post includes descriptions of my inner pain, trauma and learning how to allow all of me to be here.  Please read with care 💖.

    This morning I had a vision in my mind’s eye.  I saw a paper with my inner narrative written on it, the one I formed while growing up. 

    Words on a white piece of paper, such as scared, I am trying so hard, etc.

    I saw me trying to write over it to create more of what I wanted. 

    The same paper, with bigger words in red written over, like I am safe, I am loved.

    I saw the original words getting bigger, darker and they were working to ensure they could be seen and read.

    The same paper with big, black bold words, such as scared, I hate you.

    To help me further process this very impactful vision, I recreated it in the images above.  It was a very powerful experience to actually feel into the words and feelings for each stage above.  It allowed me to understand myself better and to have more compassion for myself.

    I have used a lot of willpower in my life to overcome my inner narrative and pain.  I have had to work so hard to keep this up and its been exhausting trying to overwrite and escape from something that is within me.  This morning I was lying in bed and reflecting that maybe the time had come to coexist with all aspects of me and my inner world. 

    This realization is really in keeping with what I am learning in my nervous system rehabilitation program – to build capacity to be with my most difficult emotions and experiences.  To witness them and allow them instead of trying to rewrite my story each day (which is so so exhausting).

    The more I learn about myself, and the more I decompress from a life of stress, not feeling safe and being in protection mode, the more empathy I have for myself.  My physical and mental health have been on the decline, and it all makes so much sense the more I learn and process.  How could I be thriving when so much of my life force energy is going into keeping me safe and worrying for the safety of my loved ones?  Learning about trauma and the nervous system has helped me understand how I can’t just keep trying to rewrite my life.  It’s so much more than just trying harder, having a positive attitude or using willpower. 

    And so, I will take a deep breath.  I will acknowledge that I have been trying to force my way into my ideal inner experience of life, without realizing that I have been fighting with myself to get there.  I breathe again.  And again.  And I feel the pain, vulnerability and hurt that I have inadvertently been pushing away because that’s how trauma works to keep me safe.  And I breathe again. 

    I open my palms, side by side, to hold all the words on the pages above.  I breathe deeply to have the courage to let them all exist, and occupy space within me.  And I breathe to allow myself to feel it all and learn from all of those feelings and experiences and move forward together.

    One step at a time, I am working towards my PhD in Being Me.  I wish you so much ease, clarity and insight in your own journey with becoming an expert in being yourself.

    With love and care, Bradlee

    A black painting with splashes of colors, with a light shining through the dark to illuminate a calm, meditative Bradlee
    An art piece from nearly a year ago, about finding myself.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Getting older

    Photo of Bradlee's left hand
    My 46 year old hand

    I am different lately.  Turning 46 has been a big one for me.  I am no longer a young person, I am closer to 50 than to 40, and I can  tell that I view life differently than the youth I am around.  My skin looks more wrinkly, my face looks older, and my body seems a bit more fragile.

    I don’t think all is lost, but there is some grief for me during this time.  I don’t have a young child anymore, and I won’t be walking down the street holding a tiny hand any longer (not that I have in years).  I see young people who run down the street, so full of life and energy and I mourn the loss of my own youth and energy, although chronic fatigue syndrome plays a big role in that. 

    I look at my precious husband and hope we have so many more years of hand holding, laughing and enjoying each other’s company.  And I wonder how long we will live in our cute little house in the country.  I hope that our son will have his parents around for many, many more years to come.  I look forward to cheering for him as he navigates and explores his life and how best to live it.

    I am not lost in these feelings of grief and hope, rather they seem to flow in and out of my mind as I live my life.  I am not trying to get away from the thoughts because grief and I have become friends over the years, and I know that it is a part of being a human, just as much as joy and love.

    I have had such an amazing life up to now, despite all the hardships and things I could have done without, and the grief I feel honours this.  I couldn’t have asked for a better husband and son, or such a quiet life in the country.  I am so grateful for the innocence that I have within me, the grace and power too, and my big, huge belly laughs.  None of that is over, but so much else feels like it is after turning 46.  My internal suffering is easing slightly as I learn more what I need, and that is such a relief, but it may also be contributing to these feelings of grief.  Who might I be without all this pain, anxiety, loneliness, exhaustion and sadness that I have felt for so long?  I wonder 🌸🌟.

    Well, to the me who came before, the one who is healing, the one who has never needed healing, and the me who is living today and every future day, I say, well done.  You have made it.  No matter what the future holds, I am with you.  Every tear, every fear, every laugh, every wrinkle and every moment has brought me here, and I wouldn’t be me without it all.  Grief and joy, all together, for this opportunity to live this exact life, even though I have tried to resist it and get away from it.  I am here, learning to allow, to feel, to open my heart to it all.

    Big hugs, xoxo ❤️, Bradlee

    Red hearts of different sizes on a black background

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Letting it all out through allowing

    A cliff face with waterfalls

    Sometimes I feel the emotional pressure building up inside me, and I feel this urge to flee the pressure and the feelings.  Sometimes I distract myself.  But sometimes, I am brave and I turn toward it, instead of trying to get rid of it.

    I have this pressure on the left side of my jaw that comes and goes.  I learned recently that I can sit with that pressure and tell it, “I am here.  I want to understand you, not force you or make you go away.  I am here.”  Apparently, when we lean in towards discomfort, it signals to our brain that the uncomfortable sensation is safe and not a threat. 

    That makes a lot of sense to me.  I had done a lot of energy healing work in the early 2010s.  It was incredibly helpful for me in many ways, but it was quite damaging in others.  It ended up teaching me to try to get rid of any feeling in my body that wasn’t “of the light,” so I got scared of the heavy feelings and was always in a rush to do some healing process to get rid of it.  I understand how energy healing (at least the way I was taught) really amplified the lack of safety I already had in my mind and body and made me more anxious.  It also made me feel like I couldn’t be me, as I was, that I needed to keep striving for better and more healing.

    Ah, hindsight, eh?  The good news is I understand myself more now, and I have a greater sense of my needs and what works for me.  So, the idea of turning towards physical and emotional discomfort with care, presence and allowing is very refreshing and exciting for me.

    As a way of preparing myself better for future discomfort and being open and allowing, I am drafting some language I can draw on:

    • I am here for you and with you.  You are welcome here.
    • I am with you and it’s a joy to be with you.
    • I love you and I am here.  Thank you for being here, and thank you for teaching me how to be with you.
    • You are allowed to be here and I would love to get to know you.
    • I am here, is there anything you’d like me to know?

    The important thing for me is not to try to say these things when I need them, but to actually feel curious, caring and compassionate and then offer those words above with those sentiments.  Otherwise, I will just be covertly trying to fix or manage myself instead of giving myself a gift of care, allowing and compassion.  I am going to experiment with this and see if I can truly feel into allowing in my body instead of just trying to do it with my thoughts.

    I look forward to sharing an update in the future. 

    May you be well, and if you’re up for sharing, I’d love to hear what works for you ❤️❤️, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • True Self Proclamation

    Painting with red, yellow and orange flames in the background with a woman in a blue dress with her arms open on top of the flames, with a big YES above her and black hearts all around her.
    Falling into life with open arms and a big yes in my heart

    How beautiful is that image!  Gosh, I love it!  I painted that about a year ago, when I had been processing some big emotions and then I felt so free, like I could say yes to life.  I felt like I was falling deeper into life with my arms wide open and the love was exploding out of me.  It is such a beautiful and compelling visual for me.

    I definitely don’t feel like that every day, not by any means.  I sure would love to, as I remember times in my life where I felt safe to be me and how incrediby liberating it was.  I’ve been through a lot and I’m learning more about the chronic stress response and the impacts of trauma, and my struggles make a lot more sense.  It feels amazing to understand myself more, which is allowing me to relax more into being me with more compassion, kindness and patience.

    I’m part of a program (primaltrust.org) that helps people with chronic illnesses learn about the chronic stress response and how they can take an active role in creating more safety in their body and nervous system.  This past week, I am learning more about brain retraining and how with simple, micro-practices, over time, I should be able to build more safety, instead of mainly feeling, “I am not okay, this isn’t safe, etc.”

    I got really excited about this practice where I get to focus on a “true self” proclamation.  The idea is that I think of a time where I felt the most free, and imagine a world where I have always been supported, always allowed to be me, and completely free to be me, with no limits, boundaries or restrictions.  And then describe what I feel like, in my truest self, in a few words.  The idea is to reconnect with that essence and know that this part of me is what is leading me to greater healing and freedom.

    Aparently by writing it out, speaking out those words, and saying them to myself in the mirror at least once a day can really help me have a stronger foundation for brain retraining.  And it will probably help me feel more confident, even on days where I’m not feeling my best symptom wise.

    I got excited learning about this mini-practice, and the painting above came to mind right away.  I thought it would solidify this exercise for me to write about it on my blog. 

    • I am kind
    • I am compassionate
    • I am powerful
    • I am free
    • I am full of light and love
    • I am strong

    I feel happy thinking of these qualities that are within myself even when I am struggling with symptoms from my physical and mental health struggles.  It makes me feel like I am supported from deep down, and that I am not alone in my life.  If I had done this 15 years ago, I would not have been able to come up with this list by feeling into it.  I was so closed off, so hurt inside and so lonely, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine my true self, or find words to describe it. 

    And so, if you’re there today, I send you a big hug.  Primal Trust encourages people to think of a time when they felt most free or if they can’t find one to make it up for this micro-practice (apparently imagination and visualization are super helpful for brain retraining, I still have more to learn about it before I share anything more).  Wherever you are in this moment is perfectly valid, and I say the same to myself!  We all need to start somewhere, and our journey to healing is unique to each of us, but our humanity unites us and allows us to learn from each other’s experiences. 

    Thanks for reading, may we all get to know our true selves and feel supported by their qualities  🌸🌟🌸💖, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Holding space

    A photo in space, of pink and dark purple matter, with darkness all around.

    Well, here I am.  I really feel like writing, and celebrating the desire to write.

    I went for a cold, sunny sky walk with the dogs and I was filled with so much love and possibilities.  I was given an opportunity to see the extent of the possibilities of my life in spite of my physical and mental health challenges.

    I’ve been learning how to ride the waves of my emotions instead of being pulled into every feeling I have.  I was flooded with fear just when I was passing a wide field with a horse and two cows and a tall tree full of singing birds.  There was no immediate danger that I could see, in fact it was a beautiul scene, but I was terrified.  For the first time, I felt that fear coursing through my body and was able to see the beauty around me.  The horse was peeking around the wall of his shelter and was staring right at me.  I held his eyes and then looked at the cute cows, and knew that I could be okay despite the intense feelings in my body. 

    Slowly but surely, and I mean slowly (!), I am learning how to build up my capacity to feel my feelings, and to be stressed and to know that I am okay despite it all.  I’m also learning how to ride the waves of extreme fatigue that I have with chronic fatigue syndrome and to know that I’ll live through it.  Being exhausted for years has really stressed out every aspect of my beingness.  I am so grateful for my therapists, health care professionals and for the Primal Trust program, which is all about healing from the chronic stress response.

    I’m focusing on celebrating my wins, crying when I need to, knowing that I can create trust within myself as I learn to tend to my nervous system and body in new ways.  It’s taken a lot of tough living for me to get here, and I’m so loved, supported and cared for, so my hope for my future is justified. 

    I’m getting my PhD in Being Me each day that I listen to my body and mind and tune into my needs.  I used to think that if I could do everything perfectly, everything would be fine.  Now I see that it’s more about being who I am, exactly as I am, meeting myself where I’m at, learning, being patient, asking for help and loving myself. 

    I hope that you are inspired by what you need each day to get your very own Phd in Being You, because no one else is you and you are very worthy of caring for yourself and being supported.

    Big hugs!  🌸🌟💖 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Taking the pressure off

    Me, my husband Robbin and Archie the dog

    Honestly, have you ever seen a more relaxed dog?  Archie is such a sweet cutie pie.  I love this photo of him.  It’s not the best photo of Robbin and I, but it sure showcases how relaxed, happy and at ease he is.

    Archie teaches me and reminds me to take the pressure off myself.  I sometimes forgot to be compassionate to myself while I’m on this journey of living with chronic fatigue syndrome.  He is so relaxed, playful and goofy and he helps me get out of the worries for my future just by being his cute self. 

    He doesn’t care if I have chronic fatigue syndrome or not.  He just wants to be pet, walked, played with and fed delicious food.  And so, I thought I’d take the pressure off myself and think about what I want out of daily life.  Maybe that will help me see that chronic fatigue isn’t actually preventing me from having a full life, but more that it’s my beliefs about it that are.

    And so, here it is, what I want out of life:

    • Rest for my tired body
    • Quality time with my husband and son
    • A walk with the dogs
    • Chances to connect with friends and family
    • Mental stimulation from a good book, learning, a puzzle or other games, or a great show/movie
    • Opportunities throughout the day to create safety for my nervous system
    • Preparing and eating delicious food
    • Doing a chore or two for our wonderful home and belongings

    That actually is pretty simple, isn’t it?  I get all of that, every day.  Isn’t that miraculous?  Sometimes it really is just my perception of life with chronic fatigue that colors my experience.  I’ll do my best to remember that!  In fairness to me though, it is difficult to enjoy doing some of these things when I have so little energy or when my other symptoms are super strong.  So some days, even though I get to do the things that make me happiest, it is just hard with how tired I feel.  Okay, good, I’m glad I’m taking a balanced approach with this realization or else I’d just be putting more pressure on myself to enjoy every day, even on days where making a meal is too tiring.

    And so, wherever you are, and whatever life is bringing you in terms of joys and challenges, may you be well, and may it be easy for you to reflect on what is good in your life and give yourself a hug for whatever is hard.  A bit of both is a recipe for compassion, kindness and grace.

    All my best!  Bradlee 🌟💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • My new true north

    A hand holding a compass with a bronze colored lid.

    My inner compass has been re-oriented.

    My focus re-directed.

    My heart opened and filled with what’s been right in front of me all along.

    Here I am, right here, where I have always been.

    My life is not behind me, ahead of me or just around the corner.  It is right here, right now.

    Every bit of my life matters, the mundane, the heart wrenching, the hilarious, the joys, highs and lows and everything in between.

    My story matters, my life matters, exactly as it is.  It won’t be any more important if all of my dreams come true, or if I live my life exactly as it is each moment.

    A significant part of me has thought that if only I could be better, get better, be different, than my life would mean more and would allow me to help more people.

    The truth is, the best thing I can do is to sit down, right here, in the middle of the life I’m living and live it.  Nothing more, nothing less.

    I’ve been the kind of person who loves people easily.  If I’ve made any type of connection with you, chances are I love you and deeply.  It’s a really sweet and admirable quality that I’m only beginning to really appreciate as the precious gift it is, and that I give to others (admittedly, I don’t give this freely to everyone, I’ve become more discerning over the years). 

    I love helping people, making connections with them, holding them, uplifting them and cheering them on.  Over the last several years of ill health, the lack of being able to do that for others has been really hard.  But now I see that it’s truly my time to turn inward and to give all of those gifts that I so easily give to others to my sweetie self.

    My life won’t mean more or have greater value if I get better tomorrow, in a few years, or never.  Each day, I’ll be living my life, hopefully with more presence, gratitude and appreciation since my realizations today, and that will be enough.  My story, my moments, my thoughts, my fears, joys, pain and excitement all add up to make my life.  And what a beautiful life it is.

    We see movies, read books, and compare ourselves to others and wonder, am I doing this right?  Am I enough just as I am?  And today, I am recognizing that I am, just as I am.  I am good enough and I am doing things right, because I am me, no one else. 

    This writing was inspired by listening to the audio book, “The Dutch House,” by Ann Patchett, narrated by Tom Hanks.  The book, which was a Pulizter Prize Finalist, was about ordinary people’s lives.  The whole book.  There was no action, mystery or anything, just a beautifully written and narrated story about some humans, being human and having a human experience.  And somehow, having that story read aloud by Tom Hanks gave it so much more validity and importance.  I hung out with a flawed family and Tom Hanks for 10 hours and my life as I knew it opened, crumbled and I was remade, ready to appreciate all that has happened to me, all that will happen to me and all that I am.  I am so humbled by this book.  It has touched me so deeply I have tears in my eyes as I type this.  This book has helped me find my own true north again and my heart is still feeling tender.  I’m in repair and am re-orienting and I’m so excited to see where my life points me to next.  Even if it’s just to fold the laundry or to rest and heal.

    Thanks so much for reading. May you be well and may you inner compass guide you to discover all the majesty that you are.

    xoxoxo Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • It all counts

    Painting of a yellow sun with a red heart in the center, with a little Bradlee drawn in the middle.

    No matter what your life experience has been or is today, it all counts.  And it all matters.  You matter.

    Even if you wish things could have been different or if you’ve just figured out something that has been impacting your whole life, you matter and it all counts as valid life experience.  Your life is precious.  Your story matters.  Your experience matters, especially if others have told you that you don’t matter or that you just needed to get over yourself.

    I love connecting with people and hearing their stories.  I love listening, asking questions, holding space and sharing.  We all have such different experiences and perspectives and there is something magical when two people can sit and be witnesses for each other’s lives.  One of the hardest parts of having chronic fatigue syndrome is not having the energy to do this as often as I would like.  Instead, it’s been teaching me to do the same for myself.  To hold space for me, and to be a witness for what is ready to be shared. 

    As I’ve been doing this, I’ve been seeing just how valid my life is, regardless of how unwell I’ve been.  All of my life experience counts, none of it is less important or valid because I’ve been struggling.  I wanted to write to share this message in case you needed it too 💖.

    I am turning 46 next week and I have spent most of my life trying to be what others have told me I should be or what I felt I needed to be to be safe and to survive.  This morning, I was feeling sad about my relationship with my dog and how it’s been rather tumultous because of my past.  I love her dearly so I was hugging her and thanking her for sticking with me and being such a dedicated teacher.  She’s been helping me reach some of the most hurt parts of myself. 

    Anyway, I was petting her and loving her and I realized that all of our experiences together count.  It all counts, even if it’s been messy.  I’ve been trying so hard to overcome my patterning and trauma and she’s been right there with me, encouraging me and being patient with me as she kept pushing me to get there.  One day, I really think I’ll write a mini-book about my relationship with precious Maggie, but for now, I wanted to share how she inspired me to see that I haven’t lost anything.  I don’t have to make up for lost time or try to catch up.  Our relationship has been exactly what it’s needed to be and she is okay with that.  She has held space for me to grieve, rage, grow, heal and do it all over again for the last 10 years.  It all counts.  She came into my life for a reason and it all counts. 

    And so, I take a deep breath and let it out.  And again.  I smile. I hug myself. And I know that there is peace in the messy and in my unraveling.  No matter how you are doing, please know that you count, your life matters, all of it counts and all of you counts. 

    Peace be with you 🌟♥️🌟♥️, Bradlee

    This is me and part of Maggie from yesterday, she is a precious cutie pie.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.