PhD in Being Me

Tag: trauma

  • Taking the pressure off

    Me, my husband Robbin and Archie the dog

    Honestly, have you ever seen a more relaxed dog?  Archie is such a sweet cutie pie.  I love this photo of him.  It’s not the best photo of Robbin and I, but it sure showcases how relaxed, happy and at ease he is.

    Archie teaches me and reminds me to take the pressure off myself.  I sometimes forgot to be compassionate to myself while I’m on this journey of living with chronic fatigue syndrome.  He is so relaxed, playful and goofy and he helps me get out of the worries for my future just by being his cute self. 

    He doesn’t care if I have chronic fatigue syndrome or not.  He just wants to be pet, walked, played with and fed delicious food.  And so, I thought I’d take the pressure off myself and think about what I want out of daily life.  Maybe that will help me see that chronic fatigue isn’t actually preventing me from having a full life, but more that it’s my beliefs about it that are.

    And so, here it is, what I want out of life:

    • Rest for my tired body
    • Quality time with my husband and son
    • A walk with the dogs
    • Chances to connect with friends and family
    • Mental stimulation from a good book, learning, a puzzle or other games, or a great show/movie
    • Opportunities throughout the day to create safety for my nervous system
    • Preparing and eating delicious food
    • Doing a chore or two for our wonderful home and belongings

    That actually is pretty simple, isn’t it?  I get all of that, every day.  Isn’t that miraculous?  Sometimes it really is just my perception of life with chronic fatigue that colors my experience.  I’ll do my best to remember that!  In fairness to me though, it is difficult to enjoy doing some of these things when I have so little energy or when my other symptoms are super strong.  So some days, even though I get to do the things that make me happiest, it is just hard with how tired I feel.  Okay, good, I’m glad I’m taking a balanced approach with this realization or else I’d just be putting more pressure on myself to enjoy every day, even on days where making a meal is too tiring.

    And so, wherever you are, and whatever life is bringing you in terms of joys and challenges, may you be well, and may it be easy for you to reflect on what is good in your life and give yourself a hug for whatever is hard.  A bit of both is a recipe for compassion, kindness and grace.

    All my best!  Bradlee 🌟💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • My new true north

    A hand holding a compass with a bronze colored lid.

    My inner compass has been re-oriented.

    My focus re-directed.

    My heart opened and filled with what’s been right in front of me all along.

    Here I am, right here, where I have always been.

    My life is not behind me, ahead of me or just around the corner.  It is right here, right now.

    Every bit of my life matters, the mundane, the heart wrenching, the hilarious, the joys, highs and lows and everything in between.

    My story matters, my life matters, exactly as it is.  It won’t be any more important if all of my dreams come true, or if I live my life exactly as it is each moment.

    A significant part of me has thought that if only I could be better, get better, be different, than my life would mean more and would allow me to help more people.

    The truth is, the best thing I can do is to sit down, right here, in the middle of the life I’m living and live it.  Nothing more, nothing less.

    I’ve been the kind of person who loves people easily.  If I’ve made any type of connection with you, chances are I love you and deeply.  It’s a really sweet and admirable quality that I’m only beginning to really appreciate as the precious gift it is, and that I give to others (admittedly, I don’t give this freely to everyone, I’ve become more discerning over the years). 

    I love helping people, making connections with them, holding them, uplifting them and cheering them on.  Over the last several years of ill health, the lack of being able to do that for others has been really hard.  But now I see that it’s truly my time to turn inward and to give all of those gifts that I so easily give to others to my sweetie self.

    My life won’t mean more or have greater value if I get better tomorrow, in a few years, or never.  Each day, I’ll be living my life, hopefully with more presence, gratitude and appreciation since my realizations today, and that will be enough.  My story, my moments, my thoughts, my fears, joys, pain and excitement all add up to make my life.  And what a beautiful life it is.

    We see movies, read books, and compare ourselves to others and wonder, am I doing this right?  Am I enough just as I am?  And today, I am recognizing that I am, just as I am.  I am good enough and I am doing things right, because I am me, no one else. 

    This writing was inspired by listening to the audio book, “The Dutch House,” by Ann Patchett, narrated by Tom Hanks.  The book, which was a Pulizter Prize Finalist, was about ordinary people’s lives.  The whole book.  There was no action, mystery or anything, just a beautifully written and narrated story about some humans, being human and having a human experience.  And somehow, having that story read aloud by Tom Hanks gave it so much more validity and importance.  I hung out with a flawed family and Tom Hanks for 10 hours and my life as I knew it opened, crumbled and I was remade, ready to appreciate all that has happened to me, all that will happen to me and all that I am.  I am so humbled by this book.  It has touched me so deeply I have tears in my eyes as I type this.  This book has helped me find my own true north again and my heart is still feeling tender.  I’m in repair and am re-orienting and I’m so excited to see where my life points me to next.  Even if it’s just to fold the laundry or to rest and heal.

    Thanks so much for reading. May you be well and may you inner compass guide you to discover all the majesty that you are.

    xoxoxo Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • It all counts

    Painting of a yellow sun with a red heart in the center, with a little Bradlee drawn in the middle.

    No matter what your life experience has been or is today, it all counts.  And it all matters.  You matter.

    Even if you wish things could have been different or if you’ve just figured out something that has been impacting your whole life, you matter and it all counts as valid life experience.  Your life is precious.  Your story matters.  Your experience matters, especially if others have told you that you don’t matter or that you just needed to get over yourself.

    I love connecting with people and hearing their stories.  I love listening, asking questions, holding space and sharing.  We all have such different experiences and perspectives and there is something magical when two people can sit and be witnesses for each other’s lives.  One of the hardest parts of having chronic fatigue syndrome is not having the energy to do this as often as I would like.  Instead, it’s been teaching me to do the same for myself.  To hold space for me, and to be a witness for what is ready to be shared. 

    As I’ve been doing this, I’ve been seeing just how valid my life is, regardless of how unwell I’ve been.  All of my life experience counts, none of it is less important or valid because I’ve been struggling.  I wanted to write to share this message in case you needed it too 💖.

    I am turning 46 next week and I have spent most of my life trying to be what others have told me I should be or what I felt I needed to be to be safe and to survive.  This morning, I was feeling sad about my relationship with my dog and how it’s been rather tumultous because of my past.  I love her dearly so I was hugging her and thanking her for sticking with me and being such a dedicated teacher.  She’s been helping me reach some of the most hurt parts of myself. 

    Anyway, I was petting her and loving her and I realized that all of our experiences together count.  It all counts, even if it’s been messy.  I’ve been trying so hard to overcome my patterning and trauma and she’s been right there with me, encouraging me and being patient with me as she kept pushing me to get there.  One day, I really think I’ll write a mini-book about my relationship with precious Maggie, but for now, I wanted to share how she inspired me to see that I haven’t lost anything.  I don’t have to make up for lost time or try to catch up.  Our relationship has been exactly what it’s needed to be and she is okay with that.  She has held space for me to grieve, rage, grow, heal and do it all over again for the last 10 years.  It all counts.  She came into my life for a reason and it all counts. 

    And so, I take a deep breath and let it out.  And again.  I smile. I hug myself. And I know that there is peace in the messy and in my unraveling.  No matter how you are doing, please know that you count, your life matters, all of it counts and all of you counts. 

    Peace be with you 🌟♥️🌟♥️, Bradlee

    This is me and part of Maggie from yesterday, she is a precious cutie pie.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Moving towards discomfort

    A pink heart with white spots and dangly art all around it.
    A heart I drew from the book, The Art of Drawing Dangles, by Olivia A. Kneibler

    Moving towards the uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, emotions, pains and everything else inside of me is bold.  It’s amazing.  It’s the opposite of what I had done for so so many years, and it’s the opposite of what we’re encouraged to do in North America.

    For years now, I’ve learned various different approaches to my physical and mental health, and over time, it’s become easier to want to befriend all the parts of my inner world, including the uncomfortable ones.

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome, so I’m either tired or exhausted each day, and I feel soreness in my muscles, inflammation in my joints and brain, as well as other symptoms.  I am also easily triggered into strong stress and trauma responses, which adds to my exhaustion.  So, some of my daily life is uncomfortable.  As a high achiever and recovering (hopefully!) perfectionist, leaning in to this discomfort is not something that has come easily.  I have put so much effort into trying to be perfect, to keep up the appearance that everything is okay, that I am okay.  Ya, so leaning in to those aspects of myself and my health that I had judged as flawed has not been easy.

    Through the guidance of my therapists,  trauma healing work, art, nervous system regulating practices, and self-compassion, I have been building up safety and trust within me.  I was not a trust worthy person to myself before, because I had such a strong inner critic who would berate the “weaker” parts of me (explaining my inner critic’s role and how we’re getting to be friends is a whole other post or 10).

    Creating that trust has been the work of over a year and it’s been beautiful to witness within me.  That trust has allowed me to become a reliable confidante and friend to myself, to know that I can count on myself, to be able to recognize when it’s time to reach out for support, and to know that I am developing the skills to be kind to myself and to understand why it’s been difficult to do that before. It is such a blessing.

    And so, today, when I’m tired, my muscles and head hurt, and I can feel inflammation, worry and stress building up, I can lean towards those feelings.  I can say, “hey, I feel you, and I am with you.  You are not alone and it’s okay to feel this way.  What kind of support do you need today?”  That is a big change from me berating myself, shoving down how I feel and just trying to keep going.  It’s a new muscle that I’m building, “the kindness, compassion and leaning in muscle” so sometimes I revert back to my old ways to trying to protect myself through controlling how I am doing because those muscles are much stronger from years of use. 

    For example, yesterday, I noticed that I was trying to manage and control how I felt so that I could feel better.  I was innocently doing all kinds of meditations and deep breathing tools to try not to feel crappy, and then I realized what I was doing.  I was trying to push away and hurry away how I was feeling.  I took a few deep breaths, gave myself permission to be uncomfortable and to move forward with more kindness, ease and allowing myself to be just as I was.  It really made for a more gentle experience and nurtured that trust I am developing within myself.  I can’t always change how I feel or how my health is, but I can influence how I experience each day. 

    And so, today and every day, may we all be blessed with the safety, support, resources, and tools to be kind to ourselves, to lean in to what is causing discomfort with curiousity, compassion and kindness, and to smile at ourselves and each other as we do what we can with our circumstances.

    Big hugs from me!  💖💖  Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • For all the times I wanted to say no but couldn’t

    Burning it all down – art that came from a part of me that is reclaiming her voice and power

    Flames make me feel powerful and like I have a choice.  I have so much power buried within me, because for so long I couldn’t use my voice and power.  If I did, I was unsafe, so I learned to keep it down as a coping strategy.  The more I learn about trauma and how our nervous system adapts, the easier it is for me not to shame or blame myself, but to have compassion for what I’ve gone through and to reach out to the most hurt parts of me.

    I’ve started slowly, with baby steps in therapy, and art therapy and over the course of the last 2 years, I’ve been feeling safer to meet the pain, hurt and trauma within me.  Really, it’s been a life long journey, and these last 2 years have enabled me to go to the next layer within me.

    Sometimes, I feel this irritation inside me and I don’t always know where it’s coming from.  I get physical symptoms with that irritation too, and then sometimes it builds into anger, then rage, then murderous rage.  So this morning, I decided to say to that irritation, hey, do you want to share what you’re about?  How you’re helping me by feeling this way?

    After I went for a walk, it built up big time and I was worried about what I was going to do with the intensity of it.  I decided to take some space and take a shower and then I saw the image above in my head, and I realized exactly what the irritaion and anger were about.  They were about all the times I said yes instead of no.  All the times I felt so choiceless to do what I wanted/needed.  All the times I didn’t think I had the right to do what was in my best interests.  And, boy oh boy, was a part of me MAD about it.

    I got out my art supplies and just painted flames after flames and then painted myself and wrote the words I was hearing inside on top of the flames, such as:

    • No more!
    • I can say no and what I need to feel safe!
    • I am stronger by having boundaries and taking care of my needs
    • Burning up the powerlessness
    • Burning down the obligations and hyper-responsibility for others.  I can choose for me! 
    • etc.

    The most freeing part of this art and realization was that these feelings are no one’s fault.  I felt choiceless for so so many reasons and that was carrying into every area of my life.  Making this art helped me to recognize that and take responsibility for how I move forward.  It’s not that simple, because this is a life long coping strategy, and I’ll still feel choiceless and powerless many times, but now I understand more the impact that has had on me and I can treat myself with more compassion and learn more how I can bring healing to those parts of me.

    I love having these realizations because they make me feel less shame and they help me understand myself.  I also love making art about my big feelings because I get to contain them on a page as opposed to holding them in my body.  Sharing my art is a vulnerable thing, but this one feels safe to share because it’s such an explosion of feelings and power, and it makes me feel good to write about it on my blog.

    May you be blessed with an abundance of safety in your inner and outer worlds and may your heart be light.  Thank you for reading!

    💕✨️ Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Writing for expression

    Wordson green paper, all torn up
    My feelings expressed on paper, and then torn up

    I have recently learned about the value of writing out the tough feelings I have, without limits or censoring, and then ripping it up.

    I was a bit skeptical at first, but there is something so freeing about writing with no limits until my hand hurts, and feeling all the emotion pouring out onto the page.  The tearing and ripping part is extremely satisfying too.

    I’m seeing a nurse practitioner who is a functional medicine specialist and she said that it would help me in my healing journey to get my feelings out.  She even said that I may stay sick if I don’t get the feelings out.  I am a very self-aware person and I honestly thought I was processing my feelings and getting them out through the art therapy I am doing.  And there is no doubt I am, but it’s a different type of getting it out to write things I would never be able to say out loud, the deep, dark, really nasty things, and then tearing it up so I can let it go.

    The first time I did it, I had no idea what I was going to write about, but then I just kept writing letter after letter to people who had made me feel uncomfortable, hurt or violated and all these powerful words, feelings and thoughts came right out onto the page.  I’ve probably done it 10 times or more now and it’s always very liberating.  Especially when I swear and say things out loud while I’m ripping the papers.  I even brought some of the paper scraps outside a few weeks ago and burned them, all while loudly cursing, and letting other words flow out and then I stomped on the ashes.  Oh ya, that was pretty damn satisfying.

    It’s funny, because I’m a nice, gentle and caring person, but I also have a fierce, and powerful part of me, and that part came out and took the lead in helping me express these emotions that I banished to deep parts of myself because they weren’t “nice” enough to acknowledge.  Well, now I am acknowledging them and it feels good.  I feel like my power was lost when I hid those deep and dark feelings away, or maybe it just took a lot of power to keep those feelings locked deep inside me.  I’m not sure, but writing, ripping and tearing is helping me access them.  My art therapist was very supportive of the approach too, so the technique has the backing of a few health care professionals, which is neat!

    Are there some scary or stagnant feelings that you want to let out and move on from?  If so, you can consider if you’d like to give this a try.  If you have lots of unprocessed trauma or trauma that you are processing, you may want to do it close to an appointment with a therapist or other mental health care professional or with a close condfidante so you can have any support if triggering feelings or situations come up in your writing. 

    I find doing some gentle things after writing helps, like putting my hand on my heart and taking a few deep breaths and telling myself that I am here, or doing some havening, which is deeply comforting.  Havening is when you use your hands to gently rub your legs or your arms.  It may be other things too, but that’s what I’ve learned so far from how far I’ve gotten in my Primal Trust program.  Here’s a video of me doing the havening that I learned.  My cutie husband stands up at the end, so you may get a glimpse of him :).

    I am really enjoying learning new ways of taking care of myself.  May you be inspired about the best ways for taking care of yourself and may we all remember that we are very worthy of healing, even if it’s been a long, long journey, like mine.

    All my best wishes to you, 💕💕💕 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • I am here, and I am with myself

    A black canvas with four small ferns posing as pine trees. It is called Silent Night.
    A winter piece of art that I made to help me connect to the stillness and silence in a winter forest

    I am here, and I am with myself 💕.  I feel so soothed whenever I say to myself, “I am here and I am with you.”  Sometimes, I even cry, like a part of me has just really needed to hear that, and it allows any stuck emotions or stress to release and flow.

    I am participating in a program that helps people with chronic illnesses.  It teaches about the chronic stress response and how that affects the nervous system, which can impact the body’s ability to heal.  It is full of science, which is right up my alley, along with tools to help self-regulate the nervous system.

    This program, Primal Trust, is another tool in my journey of helping myself.  I have been living with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time now, and I am sometimes so tired of being tired.  Primal Trust has live and recorded classes and it is so heart warming to see people from all over the world.  The course material, teachers, and other participants help me feel validated, seen and understood, and is furthering my ability to do that for myself too.

    I am learning about how to connect to my sense and feelings of inner okayness, which feels good.  I used to feel much better, and I have missed connecting to myself in that way.  Today, I did one of the tools to help retrain my stress response, and I was able to make it my own so that it felt authentic.  It made my body and heart feel more alive and like I was more present for myself.  Gosh, that was nice.

    I was here, sitting, breathing, connecting and being here, with myself and for myself.  It helped me more fully recognize how far I am from the healthy version of myself.  The practices I have been learning over the past year in therapy are slowly helping me understand the different parts of me and thst each is valid and worthy of compassion.

    I am learning about pacing myself and taking a more gentle, slow and steady approach to life and my healing.  Apparently there is scientific evidence to support the pacing approach to healing chronic fatigue syndrome.  I am so used to pushing and pressuring myself, so this continues to be a challenge for me, but its a worthy one ❤️❤️.

    And so, I am here and I am with myself.  Regardless of any tools and practices I learn, I hope I remember that I am enough, that giving myself the gift of my presence, care, touch, love and compassion are the most important.  And, living my life and enjoying it instead of only focusing on getting better.

    Here I am, writing, reflecting, smiling and sharing.  Thanks for reading, may you be well and may you relax more into your sweetie self today.

    Big hugs, Bradlee ♥️♥️

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Boundaries

    Double rainbow over a wide grassy plain

    I am exploring boundaries in therapy and in my daily life.  I have heard about boundaries a lot over the years, but hadn’t done a big exploration of what they are and aren’t in my life, why I need them and how they can help.

    So far, I have identified what it feels like when:

    • My boundaries are violated
    • I don’t know what my boundaries are
    • I constantly have to defend and protect myself
    • I don’t feel safe or worthy to have boundaries.

    These are important steps for me.  Recognizing these feelings and realities is hard, but an important step in healing and understanding what I need going forward.

    As a part of this, I am taking a look at my life’s bigger picture so I can make healthier decisions for myself.  My art therapist had suggested that I look at the emotional, mental, physical, social and spiritual big picture of my life so I can evaluate where I need to put more care.

    She gave me a resource document with different questions to prompt my exploration of my bigger picture.  I had a great time!  I hadn’t realized how narrow of a focus I had until I started.  And…it made me feel more empowered, which was tremendous.  It helped me realize how unwell and sick I am and how it is important for me to keep learning new ways to take care of my physical and mental health.

    I started the work at home, and then continued it by the Rideau River, which was inspiring and calming 💖.

    View of the Rideau River, with geese!
    My view sitting by the Rideau River
    Bradlee's red boots and legs with rocks at her feet
    My feet, legs and notebook!
    Bradlee's notebook with rocks all around
    The rocks and my self care, big picture chart

    Wherever you are in your health journey and life, I send you lots of care and smiles. I am taking it one day at a time and its okay if you need to too.  Big hugs and lots of care,

    Bradlee 💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Needing translation

    A meadow with wispy clouds in a blue sky

    Through art therapy, I’ve been learning how to translate my feelings into art.  Doing this makes them much less scary, and more understandable. It’s also helped me feel more compassion for myself.

    Today, I felt, saw and located a certain emotion in my body.  It was very intense and one I have suppressed for a long time.  I had become an expert in shoving that feeling down whenever it tried to emerge.  Well, I thought I was an expert at it.  The truth is that I was spending a lot of time and energy trying to contain a part of me that just needed love.  I understand why I did that and how that behavior was necessary for a long time.  Today though, I turned to face it and said, “hey, I am sorry for pushing you down.  I am here now, how can I help?”

    I started to hear about that part’s pain, what words it was screaming and I got insights into all the times I felt that way.  That part of me was needing translation.  It needed me to be brave, to take the uncomfortable feelings and sensations and hold space for them to be translated into something very tangible and relatable.

    A rose quartz on a marble table.

    My hurt was transformed from scary, alien, and evil to vulnerable, hurting, and very, very worthy.  I feel softer inside and better able to help myself going forward.  That feels like a significant step towards getting a PhD in Being Me. I am so incredibly grateful for the connection I made with myself today and I look forward to learning more and developing a deeper relationship with that part of myself 💕💕.

    No matter where you are in life, may you be blessed with serenity, peace, courage, all the support you need and more.  With every breath we take, may we anchor blessings for greater unity and harmony within ourselves and among all beings.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💕💕💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • Feeling connected

    Hand reaching out to the night sky

    Last week, I felt deeply connected to humanity, the planet, and life itself.  I could sense the web of connectedness that links us all together, no matter where we live, and it was profound.

    I hadn’t felt that connection in quite some time.  I remember feeling like that quite often for a few years, and it gave my life a magical and spiritual dimension that I have deeply missed.  The more tired I got, the harder it was to access that connection within and around me.  So much so, that I have felt like I have been missing an important element of my life.

    But then, I was at the grocery store, and I could feel my inner light expanding.  I had a beautiful and fun exchange with an employee, and I felt my sense of connectedness grow.  I smiled at the people shopping and working, and I rejoiced at the return of this important part of me and my life.  The part that knows I am okay no matter what and that I have lots to share despite having chronic fatigue syndrome.

    What amazes me is I reconnected to that part of me through the work I am doing to heal trauma and my nervous system.  I have been learning to call forward the qualities of my deepest self, so I can be a balm to my own wounds, and so I can build trust within myself.  The best part is that I can feel it working.  I still get pulled in extreme directions when triggered, but I am learning to be my own safe space.  I imagine that it will get easier to calm, nurture and support myself as I go on. 

    My greatest desire is to be able to put a hand on my heart, reassure myself, bring myself back to the present, and feel integrated, healed and whole.  I am excited to be able to smile more as I remember the depth of who I am and all I am capable of, and to honour the growth that has come from all that I have survived.

    Thank you to all the people in my life who love me and encourage me, and who remind me how special I am and I am worthy of compassion from myself and others.  I am so grateful for all of you, Robbin, Vale, David 1, Georgette, Carla, Susan, Sonia, Tanya, Jenny, Sandie, David 2, Katie, Patricia, Megan, Nadine, Daniel 1, Tamara, Darren, Katy, Eugene, Raye, Lisa, Romeo, Venezia, Teegan, Greysen, Jen, Markes, Daniel 2, Natalie, Jana, Gavin, Nancy, Mike, Andrea, Danielle, Kat, Taranum. 

    There are others, but each of those special folks has taught me how worthy I am to take time to heal, to be my excellent self, and that it’s okay to be exactly as I am.

    May everyone reading be blessed with caring and wonderful people in their lives too.  And may we all feel how truly connected we all are.  Big hugs,

    Bradlee 💕💕🌸🌸

    A huge circle made of people holding hands

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.