PhD in Being Me

Tag: trauma

  • Reflections

    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water.
    The gorgeous sky reflected in the water

    It is easy to not feel good sometimes.  It is easy to amass all kinds of evidence about my shortcomings, failures and deficiencies.  It is much harder, sometimes, to focus on all that is going well and all the good I bring to the world.

    A few weeks ago, I was sitting by the creek where I live, and I was feeling down.  It took me a few minutes to be still within myself, to even notice my surroundings.  I felt how restless I was and decided to look at the water as a way of soothing myself. That was when I noticed how beautiful the sky looked reflected in the water.

    I started looking up and down the creek to see the reflections.

    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water
    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water

    No matter where I looked, it was so beautiful, clear and inspiring.  I really started to consider how I could apply that perspective to my life.  Yes, I was feeling down, no doubt about it, but those reflections gave me the courage to acknowledge what was good in my life, all while being kind to myself and respecting how I was feeling.

    And so today, I am here, feeling grateful for my life, and the opportunity I have to notice my feelings and to write about them in this way.  I am grateful that I am learning more about shame, and how worthless I feel sometimes, especially when I think I have failed in some way.  I am grateful to have the word shame to help me understand what I  have felt all these years.  I am grateful for all the resources that are available to me to help me understand and care for myself even better.  I am grateful for my breath and my body for helping me be more grounded when I am feeling unsafe or unworthy.  I am grateful for the chance to smile at someone so we can share our humanity and connect, even just in passing.  I am grateful for nature for inspiring me to have more compassion for myself.

    When you look in the mirror today, may it reflect all the goodness you have within you so clearly. When you breath in and out today, may you feel safe, grounded and wholly accepted by yourself. When you think today, may your thoughts be filled with so much love and compassion for yourself.

    Life can be tricky, hard, and unfair, and to balance that out a bit, may we all see reflections of our goodness, worthiness, and love everywhere we look.

    With love, Bradlee ♥️

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Inspiration

    Northern Lights in the sky
    The Northern Lights in my backyard

    I find it important lately to find inspiration from all possible sources.  I have been worn down by circumstances in my life, and I have felt how dysregulated my nervous system is and how truly exhausted I have been in all aspects of my being.

    I have taken several months off work to take better care of myself and my family as we navigate these challenges, and it feels amazing.  I am noticing just how tired, anxious and overstimulated I am, and I am paying attention.  It is a true gift to have this time to feel, notice and take care of myself and our family.

    I have been off work for a month, and I am really noticing what a boost I get from inspiring events and things.  For example, I went to my gorgeous niece’s beautiful wedding and it was so heart warming and incredible.  Getting an opportunity to celebrate two people in love made me feel amazing.  It really shows on my face in all of our photos (I am the one with the long hair).

    Photo of me dressed up and smiling
    Photo of me and my husband dressed up and smiling

    Getting to witness the Northern Lights in my own backyard also filled me with awe and wonder at our magnificent planet and cosmos.  Yes, I am one tired, stressed out lady, but the Lights were dancing regardless, and they made me feel wonderful.

    Northern Lights in the sky
    Northern Lights in the sky

    Sometimes, as the sun rises or sets, it just hits the top of the trees, and makes the dew on them sparkle. I love it when that happens!  The other morning, the sun rose and highlighted the spectacular colors of the leaves, while leaving the ground in darkness.

    Trees with yellow and orange leaves in the morning sun

    Life is tough sometimes, and I don’t always like how I feel.  If you are like me and you are grateful for so much, but also so very tired or any other feeling state, I send you a big hug.  May lots of beautiful inspiration come your way and uplift you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Hard times

    A moss covered path through the woods
    A beautiful, safe and enclosed path through the forest in my backyard

    Things have been tough for me lately.  Over the past few months, I have been learning more about trauma, the major impact it’s had on me, and how it is the root of so much of my struggles.

    I have been at low points in my life, but none have felt quite so low as what I felt a few weeks ago.  In an attempt to process and understand my feelings, I wrote these words:

    I am here, learning anew how to hold space for my most vulnerable, broken, victimized and traumatized parts.

    I am here, learning to hold deeper and more compassionate space for the parts of me who have been dragged through life, so terrified of the wounds being created and the deep hurt and fear that stays behind.

    I am here, picking myself up, untying the knots that have kept me bound and frozen, unable to stand and claim my safety.

    I am here, learning to become the safety and presence I have so deeply needed and desired.

    I am here, feeling broken and exhausted, but hopeful for my emergence as all I have ever needed.

    I am here, breathing and smiling, it feels lovely to even dream of finally starting to feel more safe, held and supported, within and outside of me.

    I am here, writing this to show myself how much I matter.

    I am here.

    A lot of my writing has the words, “I am here.”  I think that is because no matter how hard things may be, at least I can still be here with myself.  When I was younger, I didn’t know how to do that, and I spent quite a bit of time numb and disassociated from my experience.

    Learning how to be present through my feelings is a very positive and courageous change, even though it’s uncomfortable and I’d sometimes rather run away.  Instead, I am writing, putting my hand on my heart and saying nice things to myself, and getting support.  No matter what you are going through, I hope you have all the support within and around you to ease your struggles.

    I will end this post by sharing another photo from the forest on the land where I live.  May it soothe your soul.  With so much kindness and care, thanks for reading!

    Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Helping others and myself

    The bottom arc of a rainbow
    A beautiful rainbow in front of my place this past spring

    I really like helping others.  I also really like helping myself and giving myself care, compassion, and gentleness. 

    Life has felt hard lately, probably because it has been really tough.  When times are like that, I feel myself rising to the challenge and other times, I feel myself getting smaller and in need of time to myself to rest, recharge and to feel sorry for myself.

    I am sharing this because I am still learning how best to take care of myself when times are tough.  Sometimes I nail self-care and I can balance everything and other times, I want to curl up in bed and let someone else be responsible for everything, including taking care of me.  Does that make me any less worthy?  Or does that just mean that I am tired, and in need of love, care and some support?

    I think it’s the latter, but sometimes I still blame myself or catch myself wishing I could be stronger.  I have a big heart, and I am astounded at the depth of compassion and care I give others and myself.  So when times are tough, I do my best to remember how special and caring I am, and to speak gently to the parts of me who are crying out to be held, spoken gently to and, most importantly, witnessed.  There is tremendous power in being a witness to myself in my darkest moments, and in being a witness for others.

    Being a witness means being there, not running away from difficult, painful or heart breaking feelings.  It means holding yourself (or someone else) literally or figuratively, with your arms or your presence, and giving assurance with that presence.  I am with you.  I see you.  I hear you.  I feel your pain and I am with you anyway.  I am getting teary just writing that, because isn’t that what we all want to hear, on one level or another.

    And so, in honour of all of my hurting parts and any of yours, I share the following:

    I am with you.

    I see you.

    I love you.

    You are not alone through this.

    Breathe deep my love, this will pass.

    I honour and celebrate you.

    You are so special.

    No matter what, I am with you.

    If you don’t say these things to yourself or to someone else, it doesn’t mean that you are abandoning anyone.  These are more meant as helpful things you can try whispering to your own heart to see how they feel.  Or you can try telling someone that you honour them as they navigate a difficult time in their life instead of just trying to get them to move on. 

    At our core as humans, I feel that this is what we need. To be witnessed.  Not to be fixed or changed, just witnessed.

    Helping myself and others makes me feel good.  It makes me feel like I am showing up for my life in deep, empowering and respectful ways. It makes me feel like I can heal my pain and trauma in gentle, loving ways, and like I can help others do the same.  Writing this reminds me to notice how I am doing and to be kind to myself, especially lately.

    I hope this post soothes any wounds you are feeling deeply.  I also hope it makes your heart feel lighter.  One step at a time.  One kind word to yourself at a time.  We’ve got this.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💖

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Sometimes

    Artwork of brown sand moving to blue ocean.

    It is okay to slow down.

    It is okay to rest.

    It is okay not to compare oneself to others.

    It is okay (and a good idea) to smile when feeling down.

    It is okay to need help, to eat what doesn’t make you feel the best, and to laugh at the irony of life.

    Sometimes, we just can’t keep up anymore and we need to laugh at how hard we’ve been trying without even understanding why we’ve needed to.

    This is me today.  I am feeling quite physically exhausted with chronic fatigue syndrome but somehow much lighter emotionally. 

    Sometimes when I am this tired, I get more anxious and teary.  That was how I felt yesterday, whereas today has started with some smiles, some self-validation and some light heartedness.

    Sometimes I just do the best I can and other times, I stop trying and relax more into myself, exactly as I am, and that brings me peace.  I also made a wise choice to start my day with a super healing meditation for trauma.

    No matter how you are feeling, even if you feel you are making all the wrong choices (I know that feeling!), I support and honour you.  There is definitely no one right way to live a life, so may you find little or big ways to celebrate and cheer yourself on as you live your unique experience.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • When I write – a poem

    A sunset from my backyard

    When I write


    Sometimes, when I write, the wisest and steadiest parts of me have something to share
    And it uplifts and inspires me.

    Other times, the most traumatized and fractured parts of me
    Have something to say
    And it’s painful
    Difficult
    And hard
    But what they share is no less wise.
    In fact, those feelings help me learn how to more deeply love myself
    And hold space for myself.
    Hmm, I don’t think I had recognized it like that before.

    Today, I feel them both
    And I am writing and creating space for them both to be here.
    To share with me.
    To enlighten me.
    And to communicate their needs and wisdom.

    And somehow, even though I’m just typing, I feel better.
    I feel like I’m being with myself instead of distracting or abandoning myself through busyness.


    I’m smiling because I’ve finally realized that my traumatized parts are no less wise.
    They are incredibly precious and beautiful
    And they teach me how to care for and nurture the parts of me that have fractured off as a way to survive.
    How truly inspiring.  I had it all backwards.

    I’ve been learning a lot about trauma in the past six weeks and it is helping me make sense
    Of all that I’ve been feeling and experiencing in my life,
    Especially in the last 10 years.
    I’m so grateful for what I’m learning as it’s helping me to heal and reunite with myself more deeply.

    Thank you to all of me, you are all my teachers and I love you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved


  • The burden I carry

    A hand holding up a lit up light bulb against a starry sky
    Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com

    I have become more aware of the emotional wounds I have lately. Over the last several years, I have often felt very heavy, tired and weighed down. It’s like I am carrying a heavy load that is made up of all the past hurts and traumatic events in my life. Some days, I don’t even notice the weight and other times I am so very aware of the load I am carrying and it feels like a tremendous burden.

    In the past, I wanted to ignore or push away that burden. I wanted nothing to do with it and I did everything I could to try to “magic” it away through various healing modalities. Here I am, several years later, and I am much older, wiser and kinder to myself, but I am still carrying this emotional weight.

    This afternoon on a walk, it came to me that it is okay to carry this burden. It is a very valid burden to carry. It represents my pain and trauma, and those of my ancestors. I am carrying it for all of us, and I will continue to carry it, hold it and witness what it has to share for as long as is necessary. This emotional burden is no different than having an injured knee, hip or shoulder. You can’t see me physically limping or adjusting how I hold a physical burden, but I am carrying it nonetheless.

    And maybe it isn’t actually a burden? Maybe the fact that I am aware of these emotional wounds and weight automatically converts it from something that is a burden to carry to something I can be honoured to carry for myself, for my family and for those who came before me? Maybe in my family, we’ve been carrying it for a long time and I will have the opportunity to break any cycles of abuse, neglect, hurt and harm, but not before carrying it, understanding it, nurturing it and thanking it.

    Those are a lot of maybes, but they feel like good maybes. Maybe today is the day where I see things differently, from a burden to an honour, and from that place, only good can come? Just this week, I started seeing a therapist to better understand trauma, intergenerational trauma, the effect trauma has on our brains and bodies, and to learn how I can better nurture myself. I am excited, scared, nervous and ready. Maybe this post reflects all of those feelings?

    No matter where you are in your journey of tending to and caring for your emotional wounds and burdens, I send you many blessings of care, respect, peace and deep, deep healing. May your heart be light and may you be well.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • What about me?

    There is this little and sometimes quite loud voice inside me that whispers or yells, “What about me?”

    A short video to help explain the concepts in this post. May it help you connect with yourself in helpful ways ♥️

    I was listening to a super compassionate meditation on Insight Timer from the Biomedical Institute of Yoga and Meditation and I heard “What about me?” from inside me, quite loudly. For the rest of the day my body hurt and I was completely exhausted. This voice speaks for all the times I felt cast aside, abused, neglected, and forced. It represents so much unprocessed pain about certain aspects of my life. Part of getting a PhD in Being Me is learning to honor and care for yourself when feeling your worst. I felt so terribly, I was feeling more like I was in kindergarten compared to working on a PhD ❤️.

    A day later, I still felt that “What about me” presence. It felt heavy, painful and nearly frantic. To be honest, I can understand those feelings. Listening to that beautiful meditation triggered some of my most traumatic memories and helped me to understand how much pain they truly caused. I honor my “What about me” self. It has good reason to whisper and yell, and it is very justified in coming forward to affirm its presence and role in my life.

    Here I am, feeling so heavy, so unsure of how to hold myself while I acknowledge and feel the pain and anger and exhaustion this part of me has been carrying by herself. I slow down, take deep breaths and follow what my mind, heart and body are asking me to do. I write this post. I listen to beautiful music by Destined Dynamics. I cry and tell my husband about my fears and hurt. By doing these things, I create more space for this bruised, broken, hurt and victimized part of me.

    Going forward, I will hold her and me, until our breath and voices unite and we are together as one. I will look in the mirror and see my pain and my resilience and smile. I will feel the pain inside me. I will rise up because the root has showed me how to pull her out of that infertile garden and plant her in my heart, where I can nurture her with the sunlight and rains of my care and attention. I love you Miss What About Me. You matter and you are worthy. Thank you for revealing yourself to me, please teach me how best to care for you.

    If you are working through living with a chronic physical or mental health condition (I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety), or are working through trauma of any kind, I see you and I am with you. You matter and I wish you so much ease, love, gentleness and care. Big hugs.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved