PhD in Being Me

Category: Lessson Learned

  • Writing for expression

    Wordson green paper, all torn up
    My feelings expressed on paper, and then torn up

    I have recently learned about the value of writing out the tough feelings I have, without limits or censoring, and then ripping it up.

    I was a bit skeptical at first, but there is something so freeing about writing with no limits until my hand hurts, and feeling all the emotion pouring out onto the page.  The tearing and ripping part is extremely satisfying too.

    I’m seeing a nurse practitioner who is a functional medicine specialist and she said that it would help me in my healing journey to get my feelings out.  She even said that I may stay sick if I don’t get the feelings out.  I am a very self-aware person and I honestly thought I was processing my feelings and getting them out through the art therapy I am doing.  And there is no doubt I am, but it’s a different type of getting it out to write things I would never be able to say out loud, the deep, dark, really nasty things, and then tearing it up so I can let it go.

    The first time I did it, I had no idea what I was going to write about, but then I just kept writing letter after letter to people who had made me feel uncomfortable, hurt or violated and all these powerful words, feelings and thoughts came right out onto the page.  I’ve probably done it 10 times or more now and it’s always very liberating.  Especially when I swear and say things out loud while I’m ripping the papers.  I even brought some of the paper scraps outside a few weeks ago and burned them, all while loudly cursing, and letting other words flow out and then I stomped on the ashes.  Oh ya, that was pretty damn satisfying.

    It’s funny, because I’m a nice, gentle and caring person, but I also have a fierce, and powerful part of me, and that part came out and took the lead in helping me express these emotions that I banished to deep parts of myself because they weren’t “nice” enough to acknowledge.  Well, now I am acknowledging them and it feels good.  I feel like my power was lost when I hid those deep and dark feelings away, or maybe it just took a lot of power to keep those feelings locked deep inside me.  I’m not sure, but writing, ripping and tearing is helping me access them.  My art therapist was very supportive of the approach too, so the technique has the backing of a few health care professionals, which is neat!

    Are there some scary or stagnant feelings that you want to let out and move on from?  If so, you can consider if you’d like to give this a try.  If you have lots of unprocessed trauma or trauma that you are processing, you may want to do it close to an appointment with a therapist or other mental health care professional or with a close condfidante so you can have any support if triggering feelings or situations come up in your writing. 

    I find doing some gentle things after writing helps, like putting my hand on my heart and taking a few deep breaths and telling myself that I am here, or doing some havening, which is deeply comforting.  Havening is when you use your hands to gently rub your legs or your arms.  It may be other things too, but that’s what I’ve learned so far from how far I’ve gotten in my Primal Trust program.  Here’s a video of me doing the havening that I learned.  My cutie husband stands up at the end, so you may get a glimpse of him :).

    I am really enjoying learning new ways of taking care of myself.  May you be inspired about the best ways for taking care of yourself and may we all remember that we are very worthy of healing, even if it’s been a long, long journey, like mine.

    All my best wishes to you, 💕💕💕 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • I am here, and I am with myself

    A black canvas with four small ferns posing as pine trees. It is called Silent Night.
    A winter piece of art that I made to help me connect to the stillness and silence in a winter forest

    I am here, and I am with myself 💕.  I feel so soothed whenever I say to myself, “I am here and I am with you.”  Sometimes, I even cry, like a part of me has just really needed to hear that, and it allows any stuck emotions or stress to release and flow.

    I am participating in a program that helps people with chronic illnesses.  It teaches about the chronic stress response and how that affects the nervous system, which can impact the body’s ability to heal.  It is full of science, which is right up my alley, along with tools to help self-regulate the nervous system.

    This program, Primal Trust, is another tool in my journey of helping myself.  I have been living with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time now, and I am sometimes so tired of being tired.  Primal Trust has live and recorded classes and it is so heart warming to see people from all over the world.  The course material, teachers, and other participants help me feel validated, seen and understood, and is furthering my ability to do that for myself too.

    I am learning about how to connect to my sense and feelings of inner okayness, which feels good.  I used to feel much better, and I have missed connecting to myself in that way.  Today, I did one of the tools to help retrain my stress response, and I was able to make it my own so that it felt authentic.  It made my body and heart feel more alive and like I was more present for myself.  Gosh, that was nice.

    I was here, sitting, breathing, connecting and being here, with myself and for myself.  It helped me more fully recognize how far I am from the healthy version of myself.  The practices I have been learning over the past year in therapy are slowly helping me understand the different parts of me and thst each is valid and worthy of compassion.

    I am learning about pacing myself and taking a more gentle, slow and steady approach to life and my healing.  Apparently there is scientific evidence to support the pacing approach to healing chronic fatigue syndrome.  I am so used to pushing and pressuring myself, so this continues to be a challenge for me, but its a worthy one ❤️❤️.

    And so, I am here and I am with myself.  Regardless of any tools and practices I learn, I hope I remember that I am enough, that giving myself the gift of my presence, care, touch, love and compassion are the most important.  And, living my life and enjoying it instead of only focusing on getting better.

    Here I am, writing, reflecting, smiling and sharing.  Thanks for reading, may you be well and may you relax more into your sweetie self today.

    Big hugs, Bradlee ♥️♥️

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Space for everyone

    The Grand Canyon in Arizona


    Sometimes I catch myself blaming someone for how I feel.  Then I realize, maybe there is enough space for me and that other person to both be having a hard time.  I think, “maybe it doesn’t have to be all or nothing,” or “you versus me.” 


    I’ve been experimenting with the idea that life is so much more than binary.  So so much more.  And so, if everything is on a spectrum, doesn’t that mean that there is enough space for everyone to be themselves, exactly as they are?


    What if me and someone else are both suffering at the same time?  I am not taking up space that prevents them from suffering. Our mutual suffering doesn’t negate or cancel the other’s experience.  So, isn’t there enough space for both experiences to exist and be valid?


    My identity and my experience of life doesn’t take away from the experiences of those who are physically and mentally healthy.  My experience and the rawness that I share about it may make some people uncomfortable but it can never take away the space and right for them to live their life or for me to process mine.


    This realization makes me feel a lot more compassion for the experiences others go through.  There isn’t a scarcity of space for the human experience, so why do we act like there is?  Why do we think only some ways of being a human are acceptable, when we can’t cancel or negate the space that exists for everyone.  But we can and have created and promulgated so many systems of oppression that remove space and validity from certain groups of people and make it so their very existence is criminal, threatening, and wrong.  But it’s not. 

    The main things wrong are how our society is structured on scarcity of space, blaminh, fearing and shaming others, and the incessant need to prevent discomfort instead of leaning in to connect with others who have different experiences to learn, share and grow together. Today, I am feeling like we can lift the veil and see more clearly how much space there is for the whole gorgeous expanse and variety of the human existence.


    In our increasingly hate filled and divisive world, please know that there is space for all of us.  In our hearts, we know this.  The world is big enough for us all, if only we can put down our need to shame, blame, separate and “other” people.  It is time to stand in our hearts, breathe deeply and create a world where there is space for everyone, but no space for bigotry, racism, discrimination, ableism, transphobia, homophobia, hatred, misinformation and war. 


    In my heart, there is space for everyone. Will you join me in holding space for this beautiful world, where there is space for everyone and no one feels threatened by people living their lives authentically?  I hope so 🥰.  Thanks for reading my thoughts.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Oversharing?

    12 hands in a circle

    Last week, I was buying some dog treats from a local boutique pet shop.  They are so friendly and they have a great variety of unique treats.  I was having a nice exchange with the two people at the cash and one of them said they often overshare and that they’d stop talking now.  I laughed and said, “I am great at oversharing, do you want to hear about my therapy appointment from this morning?”

    After that, we had a super open, vulnerable, and honest exchange about life’s ups and downs, which local therapists we recommend, how helpful therapy is, about our kids, university, and more.  I left the shop with my heart full and happy, and I wondered, was that oversharing or just sharing?

    I reflected to my son that what we shared and talked about could only be considered oversharing in a society such as ours, where we keep all our feelings and hardships locked inside.  What kind of a world would it be if we openly talked about our feelings and were taught how to validate our feelings and those of others?  Imagine if we were taught how to hold space for each other instead of falling back on judging, competing, and criticizing one another?  Gosh, that would be so so blissful.

    What do you think more open sharing would change in your world, life or home?  What do you wish people talked about more?

    With every breath we take today, may we anchor blessings of greater emotional and physical safety for all those who want to open up and share more and all the best supports possible as they uncover any hurts 💖💖💖.

    With care and hugs, Bradlee ✨️✨️❤️♥️

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Each breath

    An aerial view of a forest

    Lately, I have been wondering more about the purpose of life.  The longer I live, 45 years so far, the more I think it is about breathing each breath, being there, as a companion for myself, while I live my life.

    I have lived through so many moments when I have felt desperately alone or sad.  It used to be so hard to survive those times, like I was drowning, but didn’t know how to ask for help.  Now, I am learning to tap the part of me who feels that way on the shoulder, to say, hey, I’m with you, you aren’t alone.  I did that today, and I felt that part of me relax and notice me.  It was a brief connection, but it made a difference.

    I am unlearning, healing, relearning and repeating it all over again so I can thrive again.  I may have chronic fatigue syndrome for the rest of my life, but if I learn new ways to cope and heal physically and mentally, maybe it’ll be easier to be me going forward. For now, I’ll breathe each breath, turn inward and befriend my most hurt parts and hope for the best.

    May you be well.  Thanks for reading 💕.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • The potato turning point

    Potatoes of all shapes and sizes

    I have a beautiful life.  I have the best family, a safe and cozy home, wonderful friends, and many other incredible blessings.

    At the same time, I am exhausted. I am also mentally exhausted from having chronic fatigue syndrome for several years and from trying to make it all work with such limited energy.

    I have done so much to help myself.  I am always open to healing, lessons, and anything that may help me, like therapy, meditation, breath work, time in nature, art therapy, diets, learning about trauma, etc.  But sometimes, life is like, “How about you cry over potatoes as your next greatest lesson and turning point?”

    This past weekend, there were no cooked potatoes left in the fridge.  I am eating on the Whole30 to help keep inflammation down in my body, and I eat potatoes with most meals.  It was breakfast, I was tired and feeling stressed and there were no potatoes. I felt so sad and so deeply alone.  On the face of it, this makes no sense, but it is the truth.  I was so tired, there were no potatoes, and as a result, I felt so sad and lonely. 

    I was peeling potatoes and cutting them and my lovely husband came in the kitchen and I started crying.  I told him how I was feeling, how tired I was and he helped me cook them.  Being so tired that cooking seems like an impossible task makes me feel sad, but that day, it was my reality.  I am quite strong (and a bit scared to appear weak), so sometimes I just keep going instead of asking for help.  The potatoes were my turning point.  They forced me to share my feelings, be vulnerable, and ask for help.

    A week later, I feel better.  My kid is now in charge of potato cooking, and my husband is going to pick up some groceries on his way hone from work when needed.  It was never really about potatoes, but that humble root vegetable helped me feel more seen and validated as I shared my feelings.

    May the little opportunities to make life better and to create connection over isolation and loneliness be abundant in your life.

    With care and hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • What If?

    A cold, snowy, winter scene.

    What if?

    I asked myself that question this morning.  What if it’s okay to struggle?  What if it’s okay to have chronic fatigue syndrome that can be deeply debilitating?  What if it’s okay that I have been having a hard time these last several years?

    After all, what am I other than a human being, living this specific life?

    This life that is so full of beauty, amazing people, a safe and cozy home in the country, and so much more goodness? A life that has also made me cry from pure exhaustion so many times and has left me feeling completely broken?

    I am feeling open to the possibility this morning that this is exactly what life is.  What if it’s always meant to be exactly like this, despite all my efforts (some not always so kind to myself) to make things “better?” and to rise above it?

    What if there is nothing to rise above?  What if all this time, by trying to manage things and make things better, I have actually been missing what life truly is? Have I been missing the point?  To live my life? Just as I am, and just as it is?  Hmmm.

    I have been learning more about trauma and how I have worked so hard to keep myself and my family safe.  This is helping me be kinder to myself and to understand how and why being vulnerable and human has been difficult for me. 

    This morning, I am questioning more deeply and am wondering…what if this is it? What if the beauty and the pain, all mixed together, is exactly how life is supposed to be? 

    And I can be here for it, with my tools, supports, laughter, tears, smiles, dogs, friends, family, long walks on good days, and lying down on my really tired days, and finding and making time for enjoyment through it all.

    What if that is possible?  What if that has been the point all along?  To break down the false sense and need for perfection only to embrace life and myself, exactly as we are.  Hmmm, yes, that feels right.

    Wherever you are, however you feel, may you be filled with clarity and insights into your deepest what if questions. 

    Thanks for reading, may you be well, and may you be blessed with so much peace, whether life feels balanced and healthy or shitty and unfair.

    Hugs, Bradlee ♥️

    Ps here are 4 photos of me using fun filters to make you smile.

    A headshot of Bradlee in 4 overlapping polaroids
    Bradlee with a leopard hair band, sunglasses and artificially smooth skin
    Bradlee with a fake mustache, detective hat and trench coat
    Bradlee with a beard and fake spiky hair.

  • A pause

    A tree with orange leaves on the ground all around it, with mist in the background
    A quiet place among the leaves and mist

    The older I have gotten (I am 44), the more I am giving myself permission to pause.  A pause can mean many things, including:

    • Taking a breath before I respond to a person or a situation
    • Deciding that I will get back to a person instead of answering them right away
    • Prioritizing taking care of myself, even if just for a short while, before working through the items on my to do list.

    Am I an expert at pausing?  Sometimes, and sometimes I rush and feel so much pressure that a pause is the last thing I think about. 

    Learning about me from my experiences is the point of working towards a PhD in Being Me.  I am at the school of me, learning every day about how best to take care of myself and honour myself as I live my life.  And to do this with as much kindness, grace, care and love I can possibly give myself, including giving myself a big or little pause when I need it.

    I have had a very narrow window of tolerance for the last several months as I was very stressed out by my life’s circumstances.  I have included a pdf for those new to the window of tolerance concept or how trauma can influence your window of tolerance (I hope it works!)

    Window of ToleranceDownload

    As I take better care of myself, my window of tolerance is increasing.  With that increase, it is getting easier to notice when a pause would benefit me.

    For example, I was annoyed by my dog’s behavior the other day, and I realized that I had other choices than getting really angry or crying.  Just that realization alone was the pause I needed to access more choices within me.  It was like I saw the overwhelmed and tired parts of myself and honoured them with that pause that allowed me to choose how to respond better. 

    Being off work has allowed me to see how much I was just holding on and coping every day, instead of living and thriving.  I know many of us can relate to those words.  If you can, I send you many big hugs, it sure is tough.  No matter where you are in your life, whether you are thriving or just holding on, may there be many more golden pauses available to you, and lots of love, kindness and peace too. 

    With lots of care 💕, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Overwhelmed by my own needs

    A deep cavern with red walls.
    Sometimes meeting my needs feels like an impossible task, like trying to climb out of this cavern

    Yesterday I heard the title of this post inside of me, and I silently agreed with it.  It is a sad thing to be overwhelmed by my own needs, so I did the following things:

    • I gave myself some comfort and sat with that overwhelm.
    • I realized I was grateful to even be aware of my needs, even though they change and sometimes feel unmeetable.
    • I told myself that I am doing a great job doing my best and that maybe it was okay not to meet all of my needs. 

    It felt great to take some pressure off of myself and to settle more deeply into being me, just as I am. 

    I wondered if others struggle with this and how they may cope with their needs.  Sometimes I think I just need to pause more and take some deep, caring breaths for myself to shift my perspective and other times I feel like I need a week of being by myself so I can rest, reset and recharge.  The first suggestion is much easier to implement as is taking the step to actually write out my needs.  My guess is that they will seem much more reasonable if I write them out.  Also, not comparing my needs to the needs of others would help, especially since they aren’t me.

    I am very blessed to be a gentle, delicate, and sensitive person who also has strong and powerful parts.  I am grateful that I am so in tune with my body and that I keep learning from it’s cues.  I am also so grateful to have supportive family and friends, and a new helpful therapist.  Working through this book is also helping me better understand myself and my needs too: https://www.selfloverainbow.com/the-self-love-rainbow-workbook-is-here/

    I think that having needs makes me human.  My needs are uniquely my own.  My needs have taught me to show greater compassion and empathy to those who have similar needs and struggles.  My needs have also made me a powerful advocate and supporter for those who need accommodations to meet their needs (or more aptly put, to remove barriers) in the workplace.

    So no matter what your needs are, may you know them, be inspired about how to meet them, and may you know you are no less of a person for having needs.  In fact, I think needs are fabulous, whether they overwhelm me or not from day to day.  So whether you have chronic fatigue syndrome, post concussion symptoms, anxiety and trauma like me, or your own circumstances, may you know and understand your needs and may you celebrate every small step you take to meeting those needs.

    Baby birds in a knot of wood in a barn
    These are tiny baby birds who had just come out of their nest in a deeper hole in the wood.  They had lots of needs and they were so cute, and so are we, even with our needs.

  • Getting caught up

    A maze with green walls
    Sometimes I get stuck in the maze of my thoughts before I remember what’s important to me

    As an empath, it is easy for me to get caught up in the feelings someone brings to their interactions with me. Recently, I have been temporarily overwhelmed by the intensity of what I am feeling, and it’s like I am stuck in a maze of those feelings. Sometimes for hours, or even a day or two.

    I often remind myself that those feelings aren’t mine, but when I feel them so acutely, it can be hard to remember. It’s currently 5 in the morning and those feelings are still banging around in my consciousness, keeping me from feeling settled. But, thankfully, inspiration has struck! I have remembered what is important to me, which is getting a PhD in Being Me, not in being someone else, but lovely, sweet me.

    So what does that mean? It means I recognize I was lost in a maze of someone else’s feelings, but I have realized that it’s not my maze to get out from. In other words, I was attending classes in their PhD program, before remembering that all that matters is taking care of me, which includes focusing on me, and what I can do to continue to get a PhD in Being Me. No one else but me.

    I had some other imagery pop into my awareness a month or so ago to help me through this time. In my mind’s eye, I saw myself existing within a circular boundary line, and there were holes in it. I saw people and their concerns and force coming right through those holes, and bouncing around within the inner sanctuary of my boundary line. I saw it so clearly, and realized how long that had been going on in my life. I took several breaths, and saw my boundary circle fortifying and completing itself, which brought me much inner peace.

    A wise friend recently reminded me how others are here to teach us and help us to grow. I see that so clearly in terms of what’s been happening recently. So thank you to those who so easily come through the weak spots in my boundaries. Thank you for reminding me to focus on myself, and what’s important to me. I expect I will continue to learn this until it becomes so effortless, but in the meantime, even though it is unpleasant sometimes, I must admit that I always feel triumphant when I have these realizations.

    No matter what’s going on in your life, may you be blessed with strong boundaries, a gorgeous sense of self, and the confidence to live as the true and complete beauty of your sweetie self.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.