PhD in Being Me

Category: Lessson Learned

  • Oversharing?

    12 hands in a circle

    Last week, I was buying some dog treats from a local boutique pet shop.  They are so friendly and they have a great variety of unique treats.  I was having a nice exchange with the two people at the cash and one of them said they often overshare and that they’d stop talking now.  I laughed and said, “I am great at oversharing, do you want to hear about my therapy appointment from this morning?”

    After that, we had a super open, vulnerable, and honest exchange about life’s ups and downs, which local therapists we recommend, how helpful therapy is, about our kids, university, and more.  I left the shop with my heart full and happy, and I wondered, was that oversharing or just sharing?

    I reflected to my son that what we shared and talked about could only be considered oversharing in a society such as ours, where we keep all our feelings and hardships locked inside.  What kind of a world would it be if we openly talked about our feelings and were taught how to validate our feelings and those of others?  Imagine if we were taught how to hold space for each other instead of falling back on judging, competing, and criticizing one another?  Gosh, that would be so so blissful.

    What do you think more open sharing would change in your world, life or home?  What do you wish people talked about more?

    With every breath we take today, may we anchor blessings of greater emotional and physical safety for all those who want to open up and share more and all the best supports possible as they uncover any hurts 💖💖💖.

    With care and hugs, Bradlee ✨️✨️❤️♥️

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Each breath

    An aerial view of a forest

    Lately, I have been wondering more about the purpose of life.  The longer I live, 45 years so far, the more I think it is about breathing each breath, being there, as a companion for myself, while I live my life.

    I have lived through so many moments when I have felt desperately alone or sad.  It used to be so hard to survive those times, like I was drowning, but didn’t know how to ask for help.  Now, I am learning to tap the part of me who feels that way on the shoulder, to say, hey, I’m with you, you aren’t alone.  I did that today, and I felt that part of me relax and notice me.  It was a brief connection, but it made a difference.

    I am unlearning, healing, relearning and repeating it all over again so I can thrive again.  I may have chronic fatigue syndrome for the rest of my life, but if I learn new ways to cope and heal physically and mentally, maybe it’ll be easier to be me going forward. For now, I’ll breathe each breath, turn inward and befriend my most hurt parts and hope for the best.

    May you be well.  Thanks for reading 💕.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • The potato turning point

    Potatoes of all shapes and sizes

    I have a beautiful life.  I have the best family, a safe and cozy home, wonderful friends, and many other incredible blessings.

    At the same time, I am exhausted. I am also mentally exhausted from having chronic fatigue syndrome for several years and from trying to make it all work with such limited energy.

    I have done so much to help myself.  I am always open to healing, lessons, and anything that may help me, like therapy, meditation, breath work, time in nature, art therapy, diets, learning about trauma, etc.  But sometimes, life is like, “How about you cry over potatoes as your next greatest lesson and turning point?”

    This past weekend, there were no cooked potatoes left in the fridge.  I am eating on the Whole30 to help keep inflammation down in my body, and I eat potatoes with most meals.  It was breakfast, I was tired and feeling stressed and there were no potatoes. I felt so sad and so deeply alone.  On the face of it, this makes no sense, but it is the truth.  I was so tired, there were no potatoes, and as a result, I felt so sad and lonely. 

    I was peeling potatoes and cutting them and my lovely husband came in the kitchen and I started crying.  I told him how I was feeling, how tired I was and he helped me cook them.  Being so tired that cooking seems like an impossible task makes me feel sad, but that day, it was my reality.  I am quite strong (and a bit scared to appear weak), so sometimes I just keep going instead of asking for help.  The potatoes were my turning point.  They forced me to share my feelings, be vulnerable, and ask for help.

    A week later, I feel better.  My kid is now in charge of potato cooking, and my husband is going to pick up some groceries on his way hone from work when needed.  It was never really about potatoes, but that humble root vegetable helped me feel more seen and validated as I shared my feelings.

    May the little opportunities to make life better and to create connection over isolation and loneliness be abundant in your life.

    With care and hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • What If?

    A cold, snowy, winter scene.

    What if?

    I asked myself that question this morning.  What if it’s okay to struggle?  What if it’s okay to have chronic fatigue syndrome that can be deeply debilitating?  What if it’s okay that I have been having a hard time these last several years?

    After all, what am I other than a human being, living this specific life?

    This life that is so full of beauty, amazing people, a safe and cozy home in the country, and so much more goodness? A life that has also made me cry from pure exhaustion so many times and has left me feeling completely broken?

    I am feeling open to the possibility this morning that this is exactly what life is.  What if it’s always meant to be exactly like this, despite all my efforts (some not always so kind to myself) to make things “better?” and to rise above it?

    What if there is nothing to rise above?  What if all this time, by trying to manage things and make things better, I have actually been missing what life truly is? Have I been missing the point?  To live my life? Just as I am, and just as it is?  Hmmm.

    I have been learning more about trauma and how I have worked so hard to keep myself and my family safe.  This is helping me be kinder to myself and to understand how and why being vulnerable and human has been difficult for me. 

    This morning, I am questioning more deeply and am wondering…what if this is it? What if the beauty and the pain, all mixed together, is exactly how life is supposed to be? 

    And I can be here for it, with my tools, supports, laughter, tears, smiles, dogs, friends, family, long walks on good days, and lying down on my really tired days, and finding and making time for enjoyment through it all.

    What if that is possible?  What if that has been the point all along?  To break down the false sense and need for perfection only to embrace life and myself, exactly as we are.  Hmmm, yes, that feels right.

    Wherever you are, however you feel, may you be filled with clarity and insights into your deepest what if questions. 

    Thanks for reading, may you be well, and may you be blessed with so much peace, whether life feels balanced and healthy or shitty and unfair.

    Hugs, Bradlee ♥️

    Ps here are 4 photos of me using fun filters to make you smile.

    A headshot of Bradlee in 4 overlapping polaroids
    Bradlee with a leopard hair band, sunglasses and artificially smooth skin
    Bradlee with a fake mustache, detective hat and trench coat
    Bradlee with a beard and fake spiky hair.

  • A pause

    A tree with orange leaves on the ground all around it, with mist in the background
    A quiet place among the leaves and mist

    The older I have gotten (I am 44), the more I am giving myself permission to pause.  A pause can mean many things, including:

    • Taking a breath before I respond to a person or a situation
    • Deciding that I will get back to a person instead of answering them right away
    • Prioritizing taking care of myself, even if just for a short while, before working through the items on my to do list.

    Am I an expert at pausing?  Sometimes, and sometimes I rush and feel so much pressure that a pause is the last thing I think about. 

    Learning about me from my experiences is the point of working towards a PhD in Being Me.  I am at the school of me, learning every day about how best to take care of myself and honour myself as I live my life.  And to do this with as much kindness, grace, care and love I can possibly give myself, including giving myself a big or little pause when I need it.

    I have had a very narrow window of tolerance for the last several months as I was very stressed out by my life’s circumstances.  I have included a pdf for those new to the window of tolerance concept or how trauma can influence your window of tolerance (I hope it works!)

    Window of ToleranceDownload

    As I take better care of myself, my window of tolerance is increasing.  With that increase, it is getting easier to notice when a pause would benefit me.

    For example, I was annoyed by my dog’s behavior the other day, and I realized that I had other choices than getting really angry or crying.  Just that realization alone was the pause I needed to access more choices within me.  It was like I saw the overwhelmed and tired parts of myself and honoured them with that pause that allowed me to choose how to respond better. 

    Being off work has allowed me to see how much I was just holding on and coping every day, instead of living and thriving.  I know many of us can relate to those words.  If you can, I send you many big hugs, it sure is tough.  No matter where you are in your life, whether you are thriving or just holding on, may there be many more golden pauses available to you, and lots of love, kindness and peace too. 

    With lots of care 💕, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Overwhelmed by my own needs

    A deep cavern with red walls.
    Sometimes meeting my needs feels like an impossible task, like trying to climb out of this cavern

    Yesterday I heard the title of this post inside of me, and I silently agreed with it.  It is a sad thing to be overwhelmed by my own needs, so I did the following things:

    • I gave myself some comfort and sat with that overwhelm.
    • I realized I was grateful to even be aware of my needs, even though they change and sometimes feel unmeetable.
    • I told myself that I am doing a great job doing my best and that maybe it was okay not to meet all of my needs. 

    It felt great to take some pressure off of myself and to settle more deeply into being me, just as I am. 

    I wondered if others struggle with this and how they may cope with their needs.  Sometimes I think I just need to pause more and take some deep, caring breaths for myself to shift my perspective and other times I feel like I need a week of being by myself so I can rest, reset and recharge.  The first suggestion is much easier to implement as is taking the step to actually write out my needs.  My guess is that they will seem much more reasonable if I write them out.  Also, not comparing my needs to the needs of others would help, especially since they aren’t me.

    I am very blessed to be a gentle, delicate, and sensitive person who also has strong and powerful parts.  I am grateful that I am so in tune with my body and that I keep learning from it’s cues.  I am also so grateful to have supportive family and friends, and a new helpful therapist.  Working through this book is also helping me better understand myself and my needs too: https://www.selfloverainbow.com/the-self-love-rainbow-workbook-is-here/

    I think that having needs makes me human.  My needs are uniquely my own.  My needs have taught me to show greater compassion and empathy to those who have similar needs and struggles.  My needs have also made me a powerful advocate and supporter for those who need accommodations to meet their needs (or more aptly put, to remove barriers) in the workplace.

    So no matter what your needs are, may you know them, be inspired about how to meet them, and may you know you are no less of a person for having needs.  In fact, I think needs are fabulous, whether they overwhelm me or not from day to day.  So whether you have chronic fatigue syndrome, post concussion symptoms, anxiety and trauma like me, or your own circumstances, may you know and understand your needs and may you celebrate every small step you take to meeting those needs.

    Baby birds in a knot of wood in a barn
    These are tiny baby birds who had just come out of their nest in a deeper hole in the wood.  They had lots of needs and they were so cute, and so are we, even with our needs.

  • Getting caught up

    A maze with green walls
    Sometimes I get stuck in the maze of my thoughts before I remember what’s important to me

    As an empath, it is easy for me to get caught up in the feelings someone brings to their interactions with me. Recently, I have been temporarily overwhelmed by the intensity of what I am feeling, and it’s like I am stuck in a maze of those feelings. Sometimes for hours, or even a day or two.

    I often remind myself that those feelings aren’t mine, but when I feel them so acutely, it can be hard to remember. It’s currently 5 in the morning and those feelings are still banging around in my consciousness, keeping me from feeling settled. But, thankfully, inspiration has struck! I have remembered what is important to me, which is getting a PhD in Being Me, not in being someone else, but lovely, sweet me.

    So what does that mean? It means I recognize I was lost in a maze of someone else’s feelings, but I have realized that it’s not my maze to get out from. In other words, I was attending classes in their PhD program, before remembering that all that matters is taking care of me, which includes focusing on me, and what I can do to continue to get a PhD in Being Me. No one else but me.

    I had some other imagery pop into my awareness a month or so ago to help me through this time. In my mind’s eye, I saw myself existing within a circular boundary line, and there were holes in it. I saw people and their concerns and force coming right through those holes, and bouncing around within the inner sanctuary of my boundary line. I saw it so clearly, and realized how long that had been going on in my life. I took several breaths, and saw my boundary circle fortifying and completing itself, which brought me much inner peace.

    A wise friend recently reminded me how others are here to teach us and help us to grow. I see that so clearly in terms of what’s been happening recently. So thank you to those who so easily come through the weak spots in my boundaries. Thank you for reminding me to focus on myself, and what’s important to me. I expect I will continue to learn this until it becomes so effortless, but in the meantime, even though it is unpleasant sometimes, I must admit that I always feel triumphant when I have these realizations.

    No matter what’s going on in your life, may you be blessed with strong boundaries, a gorgeous sense of self, and the confidence to live as the true and complete beauty of your sweetie self.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Done

    Early morning quiet at my place

    Sometimes I am done.

    I have nothing more to give, no more capacity to think things through, or to deal with differing opinions constructively or compassionately.

    When I am in this place, I rest.

    When cookies are finished baking, there is no point in keeping them in the oven because they’ll just burn. With people, it’s the same, and I have learned that the hard way.

    When I start waking up super early with a racing mind, a restless body, and an overall unsettled feeling, it is my beingness telling me, “hey, the timer’s beeping, take me out of the oven.”

    Today, I am honoring myself by recognizing this state of being by getting out of bed early, drawing a bath, writing about my experience and planning not to try to force my way through my day.

    Note: as I wrote the last sentence above a few days ago, I knew right away that my plan wasn’t enough. I got into the bath and cried a bit and knew that I needed a day off of work. Even though I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I still sometimes find it hard to take a day off. Starting this post gave me the time and space within myself to actually reflect on my needs and to give myself permission to meet them.

    I really like the analogy I started above about not baking cookies longer than they need or else they’ll burn. I definitely don’t want to burn myself out again, like I did in 2016.

    May we all be blessed with the space, means and support we need to notice how we are doing, and to take the steps we need to care for and nurture ourselves when we are done. I believe it is okay to set the timer so the cookies come out of the oven before they burn, may we all be empowered and supported to do the same for ourselves.

    Big hugs 💕

    Cookies on a baking sheet
    Cookies I happily made the other day. I watched them carefully while they were in the oven.
    May we all do the same for ourselves so we can heed our warning signals that it’s time to rest and ‘get out of the oven’ of busyness and stress

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Breathing in and actually letting it out

    Northern lights with blue and green hues
    Magic can happen when we let ourselves feel the whole experience of being human

    Today feels like the kind of day where I need to remember to breathe in and out. To be with the rhythm of my breath, to breathe in, feel everything that is uncomfortable and actually breathe it out.

    As I have written before, I am learning to be inspired by nature. Over the past few weeks, there has been freezing rain, lots of snow and very mild weather. I have seen trees cut down, and wasps coming out of their early winter sleep. Nature is whispering, “hey, it’s okay if things aren’t permanent. They’re meant to change, and so are you. Aligning with your breath is one way to remember that.”

    And so, I breathe in, feel it all, exhale, and let whatever I have been holding onto out.

    Whatever you are feeling today, I invite you to join me in putting your hand on your heart, smiling gently at yourself and inhaling nice and slow. If it feels right to you, give yourself a little compliment or some affirming words like, “hey honey, I am with you no matter what,” and breathe out. May you feel love, peace and comfort with every breath you take.

    Big hugs.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2023.

  • Phases of life: micro versus macro

    A close up image of delicate purple flowers with a yellow center.
    When I am in a micro stage of life, I focus on what’s closest to me in greater detail and I don’t have as much energy for the bigger perspective or activities
    A field of purple flowers, with lots of sky, slightly out of focus
    When I am in a macro stage of life, my focus is much broader and I can see the bigger picture and I have more energy to explore

    I am working towards getting a PhD in Being Me, and that means learning about myself, noticing what I am feeling, and adjusting as necessary.

    Lately, I have really started to understand that I go through phases where I have a micro or a macro focus. I used some images above to try to illustrate my experiences in both phases. I will also elaborate with some examples.

    Currently, I am in a major micro phase. I work each day and beyond that, I really only want to focus on taking care of my mind, heart, body and energy, and taking care of my family and home. I have tried using social media, but it’s like I have an aversion to it. More likely though, I am being called inward, and as a result, my focus is much more narrow, or micro (small). In the past, I might have thought there was something wrong with me, but now I can feel the call inward and the narrowing of my focus, and I honor it. I am smiling as I type this, it feels good to be getting to know myself more. It also feels good to notice my ever evolving experience of life. I had thought that staying steady was the hallmark of success as a human. I was so wrong, hence my smiling as I write this.

    This summer, I was in a macro phase. I was excited about my new job, the project proposal I was working on, and the feeling of being able to swim a bit more than last summer. My chronic fatigue syndrome symptoms weren’t as strong and I loved being in the cool river water. I spent time with family and friends, and I could feel the future I dream about where I am a self help author and speaker. It was lovely. Partway through September, I started feeling the inward pull and the need for quiet and simplicity. Isn’t that beautiful? Neither phase is better than the other, they are equally valid ways of experiencing life.

    Sigh…..deep breath…..relief. No self-judgement, just glorious space to be exactly as I am, exactly as you are.

    Where are you in your life? Do you experience similar phases to mine or different ones? No matter how you are experiencing life right now, may you be blessed with peace, compassion, love and inner harmony.

    With love ❤️, Bradlee

    Ps, I listened to this song on repeat while writing this post. It is absolutely gorgeous. May we all be blessed to hold ourselves, no matter what we are living through.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved