PhD in Being Me

Category: Lessson Learned

  • Missing myself

    Hands holding up two halves of a broken paper heart.
    Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem on February 14, 2019. I remember those days of missing myself, and I still sometimes feel that, although it has a different feeling lately. Like I’ve been missing only certain parts of me that I’m still reclaiming, like my power. I am sharing it with the hope that it inspires anyone else who is missing themselves. Big hugs!

    Missing myself – a poem

    I feel like I’ve been missing myself.

    Just this morning, I have been crying, aware that I have missed me.

    I have been so caught up trying to survive and make it through in the past few months that I have been missing myself.

    It is a good feeling in a way, because it means I’ve noticed and it is time to figure out how to spend more time with me, instead of rushing around all the time, trying to make things right outside of me and for other people.

    Imagine how weird that is…I am right here, but yet I have missed myself.

    There is a massive depth to me and when I am in survival mode, I am only living from the surface of me.

    My depths are crying out for me to return to them, to bring the depths up to the surface so that I may exist in a more whole and complete way and as a result, I may bring more blessings, health and abundance to myself and to all of those I interact with.

    Here I am, vulnerable and raw, sinking into the depths of me, while they rise to meet me.

    What a holy day.

    Interestingly enough, it is Valentine’s Day today.  May I be reunited with all that I am, in a true sacred union that needs no flowers, chocolates or cards.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Being motivated by guilt

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    Being motivated by guilt
    Being motivated by guilt....

  • When rest is best

    An unmade bed that is ready to climb into for rest
    A bed ready to rest in!

    Living with chronic fatigue syndrome can be quite confusing and hard. I remember being a student athlete, working full time and working on a Master’s degree in another city, and other wonderful examples of having energy. I also know that having this medical condition has taught me so much about myself and has given me a chance to know myself better and to heal some big wounds.

    I can only write about my experience of chronic fatigue syndrome, and my experiences will likely be different from those of others. I acknowledge, honor, and respect everyone with a chronic condition, no matter how their symptoms manifest.

    The thing I struggle with the most is not comparing myself to others who aren’t constantly tired. I look at the volunteers in my community and how hard they work, and I am in awe and jealous all at once. Chronic fatigue syndrome has taught me to focus on my own experience of life more. To notice how it feels to live the life I have, even when I sometimes want it to be different.

    I don’t have control over if I get better (believe me, I have tried), but I do have control over the choices I make each day. I can choose to notice that my head hurts and I am feeling nauseous. Both of those are my precious body’s way of saying, “hey, rest is what I need, not more doing.” Being respectful of myself means listening to my body, honoring any emotions I feel about needing to lie down, and giving myself permission to rest in a world that is so very busy.

    I have struggled with this a lot and am much kinder to myself now. I still whine and moan sometimes because my emotional maturity level goes down the more tired I get. Despite this, I am proud of how much easier it is for me to make choices that are in my best interests. I am proud of myself for developing boundaries and finding the courage to speak up about them. I am proud of myself for developing a stronger sense of self worth despite having this condition. I would still like to get better at not comparing my energy to others and not judging myself, but I recognize I am getting better at this. I have such a wonderful life, I don’t want to miss out on it just because I am chronically tired. May we all be blessed with knowing when rest is best and with the ability to be so kind to ourselves.

    I dedicate this post to my beautiful body for teaching me about when rest is best and to chronic fatigue syndrome for helping me polish my interior and exterior so I can shine brighter than ever before despite this condition. May we all be blessed to know how life is always here to help us, even when life isn’t how we want it to be. Big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Making peace with suffering

    Our day old baby chick, Lillium, who was sick. I made this video to share with the vet in case we could get her help. She died the next morning.

    A beautiful, tiny, one-day old baby chick named Lillium taught so much about suffering in her time with us. She arrived at 9:15 am on May 31, 2023, and she passed away by 6:30am the next day.

    We got 7 one-day old baby chicks, and they are all so precious and cute. Baby chicks are so fast and curious, but not Lillium. I noticed she had a dark lump on her underside and that she wasn’t running around with the other chicks. I immediately felt like something wasn’t right.

    We tried bathing her underside in case her lump was hardened droppings, but it wasn’t. It was a growth, and it seemed to be making her quite sick. I usually worry about babies because they need so much love and support, but my worry for Lillium was really high. I couldn’t handle the idea of such a little, tiny chick suffering.

    I prayed for her, sang to her, and checked on her constantly. I researched what her lump could be and made the video at the top of this post to share with the vet to learn if anything could help her. I cried a few times and really witnessed myself feeling very shaken and sad by her very obvious suffering.

    Baby Lillium taught me a lot. She taught me that I don’t like to see anyone suffering and that it really stresses me out. She helped me to identify healthy versus unhealthy ways of dealing with her suffering. I even made some connections to how stressed I have been when my immediate family was hurting in any number of ways. She helped me shed light on what was out of my control and helped me take small steps to finding peace when witnessing suffering.

    I was still not a rockstar at being with her while she suffered, but I was absorbing the lessons she was teaching me. I am hopeful that I will be able to hold them in my heart when I witness suffering in myself or in others in the future. Thank you sweet Lillium for showing me the depths of my caring and compassion ❤️. Thank you for gracing my life with your sweet presence for a bit less than a day. Thank you for helping me learn to make peace with suffering.

    Baby chicks in a wooden box with straw on the ground.
    Some of the baby chicks we got on May 31, 2023

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Lovely things to say to yourself

    A wooden boardwalk with hearts lining it on either side.
    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    The dogs woke me up at 4:45am this morning and I was pretty irritated at first. I was amazed how quickly I turned my irritation around by saying lovely things to myself. As I walked down the hall to let them out, I said, “You’re doing such a great job, Bradlee,” and “You are such a caring person.” I felt the irritation lift and I was even able to go back to sleep after.

    Are you interested in being kinder to yourself? In saying lovely things to yourself? Especially saying those words you wish others would say to you? I first learned about how to do this in 2015 after watching this inspirational video by Matt Kahn. It’s a long one, but super worth it. It truly gave me the inspiration and easy suggestions to learn how to witness my life and to validate myself while I live it.

    In the spirit of sharing and uplifting all readers, I will share a list of things I find myself often saying to myself. I always feel better when I do this. If I don’t feel better, I ask myself what I need to receive instead, and that usually breaks through the anger, despair or whatever I’m feeling. I’m learning, day by day, to be an expert in being me. I really hope these words inspire you to get a PhD in Being Me too!

    Examples of lovely things to say to yourself:

    • Hey, you just did an awesome job washing the dishes, way to go!
    • Thank you for vacuuming, especially since you were so tired. I really appreciate you.
    • You nailed that presentation at work today honey, woohoo!
    • I’m so proud of you, you used your voice to speak up about your boundaries so well.
    • That was a really good, clear email you wrote at work. Well done!
    • Way to take a few minutes to lie down, breathe and relax before moving onto your next task.
    • You did a great job pulling food out of the freezer to make sure you could make healthy meals.
    • You did such a good job honoring yourself today. You recognized you had limited energy, and you ordered groceries online, and cooked simpler foods for meals.
    • You spoke up about what your intuition told you instead of doubting yourself! Nice work. I hope you know how trustworthy you are going forward!
    • I’m so proud of you for recognizing that you needed time to yourself today and for taking it.
    • You did a good job relaxing while you were walking the dogs. You also were a rock star in keeping them from pulling you to the back of the forest.
    • You are such a tender, sweet and caring person. You are very good at loving your family and caring for others.
    • I can tell you are strained and anxious right now. I super honor you. Is there anything I can do for you?
    • Oh man, you are doing a great job of thinking massively resentful thoughts. Is there something I can do for you? I know there’s still laundry to do and dishes to wash, but you matter more.

    These are just a sample of things I may say to myself at various points in the day. I need to say these lovely, caring things to myself especially on days when I am really tired or feeling anxious or overwhelmed. I’d greatly welcome comments about which of these feels good to you or what you say to yourself that makes you feel good!

    Let’s do this! Let’s choose to honor and love ourselves! Let’s choose to be kind to the most important people in our lives, but especially ourselves.

    Big hugs! xoxoxoox

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • When I falter – an exploration of faith

    A blue heron, standing on a old piece of wood on a body of water.
    Photo by Frank Cone on Pexels.com

    In 2018, I went through several months of exploring my faith. I don’t have a religion, although I was baptized Christian. For many years now, I’ve been learning about God, Creator, the Universe in my own way, and it has felt really important and authentic for me. The text below was really about me trying to make sense of what I was feeling during a very turbulent time, and learning how to have faith in God. This post is in honor of my precious friend, Carla.

    When I falter


    There are times when I falter. I forget how special and important I am, and I rely on my decision making skills from my past, and I slip back into the fog of unconsciousness. I again wear the cloak of darkness that makes it so it doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal to make choices that aren’t the best for me. I am able to rationalize most anything when I am wearing that cloak. God loves me so much, He makes it easy for me to don the cloak so that I get the pleasure and challenge of finding my way back home to Him, to my Heart, to my healthiest ways of living. It’s like I get a chance to relearn faith each and every time. It is like with each time I can take the cloak off and hang it up on a hanger that is farther and farther away from me.


    May I honor that cloak and our Lord as one and the same, as they are both my greatest teachers, and
    each just teaches me from a different perspective. One is not better than the other and it is time for me to forgive myself for all the times I put on the cloak of darkness and forgot my heart’s song. God was with me, singing the song for me each time I wore the cloak and the reason why it feels so beautiful and free when I take the cloak off is because that is when I sing along with God and remember that I’ve never been alone and that I have a beautiful voice and a very sacred song to sing. Sat Naam.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Who am I waiting for?

    A big room with a person sitting, hanging their head.
    Photo by Adrien Olichon on Pexels.com

    I wrote the words below in May 2019. I often wrote emails to myself, to try to sort out my feelings. Sometimes I find that easier than writing in a journal. I am so humbled to read these words, there I was, so broken after my mom had suddenly died a few months later, but so ready to acknowledge what I needed and craved, and what was holding me back. I honor the me I was then, and then me I am now, and the me I am becoming. As you read this, may it inspire you to love, honor, witness and validate yourself, from the inside out. I honestly think that learning to do this over the past few years is what gave me the strength to recognize my Breaking Point and to find out what was Beyond the Breaking Point. I know I’ll have many more breaking points, and that’s okay. As long as I keep myself company through them, I know I’ll be alright.

    With love,

    Bradlee

    Who am I waiting for?

    I often notice myself talking to other people in my head.

    It’s like I’m trying to seek help or validation from them regarding my experiences.

    While I am grateful to have the help and support of many people, I have a feeling that I am still so desperate to be witnessed, heard, seen and validated.

    I’m aware that it may not be a bad thing to want support and validation, but there is something about it that feels like it’s trying to teach me something.

    I often imagine myself having conversations with the grief counselor or naturopath that I have been seeing and I’m asking them for their insights on how I’m doing, how I’m feeling and what it all may mean.

    As I’m writing this, I’m starting to feel a bit nauseous and teary, so I believe I am on the right path.

    I still find it so hard to believe that I am a good person, that I am making healthy and wise choices, that others appreciate me, that I am a beautiful healer, that I am so acutely and wonderfully aware of what is going on within me and that I’m not broken.  I do think that is why I have those conversations in my head.

    What might I need to feel the greatness I already am and to see how healthy, beautiful, kind, smart, wise and empathically awesome I already am?

    Whose approval am I really looking for?  Is it from all the people in my life who didn’t have it to give, because they didn’t even know how to appreciate and approve of themselves?

    Yes, there is no doubt that the lack of their approval was hurtful and left me seeking so much externally.  But I know that there is more.

    I know that I am really missing myself and the ability to be a witness to myself, from the inside out. 

    It’s like I haven’t know how to be grounded within myself and as a result, I’ve been outside myself for a very long time and I’m missing myself.

    I want to be grounded. I want to have my own experience of life. I want to develop my inner compass so that I follow its guidance and direction to what is best for me, instead of what I have done for so long, looking outside of myself and at others for answers.

    I really feel like I am deeply healing at this time and that it is my time to reclaim my health and vitality on all levels and dimensions of myself and to rise up as the beauty I already am and sing and dance and live boldly and confidently.  As I step across the stage of my life into the light, may I give myself the time and patience I need to get stronger within and throughout all of me, so that I may walk as a vortex of light on this planet, pulling in everything that is meant to return home to heaven, for the well-being of all humanity.  May all aspects of me be healed, blessed and transformed so that I may live out my life’s purpose in all of its glory.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Destroyed

    Huge waves crashing on the shore.
    Photo by Ray Bilcliff on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in May 2021. I remember sitting and talking to someone as these realizations hit me and I knew I was witnessing my own destruction. I remember writing this and feeling soothed and knowing that I was okay, even as I was being destroyed. I remember knowing that everything, including me, was much more complex, deep and beautiful than I could ever understand and that it was okay that I didn’t understand.

    I share this poem from my heart to yours. xoxoxoxo

    Destroyed – a poem

    Well, here I am.

    I have built my life on trying to be a certain way so that I could avoid hurt and pain

    And so I could avoid causing hurt and pain to others.

    I have exhausted and controlled myself to achieve this and yesterday,

    I was destroyed.

    I was blown open.

    Despite all of my efforts, things are still a mess.

    I am still causing hurt and pain

    And people will be as they will be.

    I get it now.

    I am not in charge.

    I am not the boss.

    I am the destroyed one who thought she could be in charge and who could be the boss.

    I see now that I am broken and the only option I have now

    Is to have faith and trust in my life’s purpose

    That only the universe is the boss of.

    I am done.

    I am destroyed.

    I am broken

    And that is exactly the way I should be or I guess it wouldn’t have come to this.

    Matt Kahn has this beautiful quote that goes something like this, “in order for me to become who I am destined to become, life couldn’t have happened any other way.”

    So here I am, after what feels like lifetimes of trying, atoning, overcoming, exhaustion and panic,

    And I am broken open and destroyed, so that must be what was meant to be.

    The next steps are to be broken and destroyed and be open to all the inspiration, healing and clarity that surely has more room to do it’s magic.

    One moment at a time, I will sit with myself, I will live my life,

    And be, not try.

    I can envision myself being so vulnerable, so open, so constant and yet in flux,

    Which I guess is exactly what a human life is.

    Constant, yet in flux.

    Broken, yet healed.

    Loving, yet with hateful thoughts.

    It’s funny because as I write this, I see that I’m not destroyed,

    It’s everything that I have thought I am that’s been destroyed and

    What is left is me, sitting here within myself,

    Naked,

    Reborn

    and freed.

    With every breath I take, may I embrace the destruction of the constructs I thought I was and may the deeper me have more room to emerge.

    May the broken concepts and constructs of me continue to dissolve with my utmost admiration, appreciation and respect for the journey we have gone through together

    And may my sweet heart and body know I adore them no matter what and that I am here,

    Loving myself, loving them, and being it all.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Beyond the Breaking Point

    Image from space of ice fractures in the Beaufort Sea.
    Extensive Ice Fractures in the Beaufort Sea by NASA Goddard Photo and Video is licensed under CC-BY 2.0

    In my previous post, I wrote about being at the breaking point. It was a post overflowing with the rawness of emotion I was experiencing at the time. Writing that post gave me courage to be with myself when I was so angry, disappointed and violated. It helped me understand that I didn’t need to know what was coming next, yet.

    Here I am a few days later and I am so grateful for this experience. It taught me that I am my own fiercest protector. In the face of disrespectful behavior, I rose up within myself to see it for what it was and to say enough. I was flooded with a whole spectrum of emotions, all of which I was able to embrace as completely valid. I didn’t have my next steps ready, instead I just gave those huge emotions space to breath and to guide me to what was next.

    This is new territory for me because in the past, I just micro-managed myself, trying to fit into the mold of who I thought I should be. I’ve been unlearning all of that, and I am learning to live my own life, according to my rules, my beliefs, my values and my feelings. It is a gorgeously transformative process that has been incredibly beautiful, rewarding, and exhausting.

    The next morning after writing that post, my next steps became clear. My limits and boundaries had been violated so severely and I was radiating with a giant, booming, “NO MORE,” in the cells of my body. I knew that I owed it to myself to follow those feelings and to make decisions that would allow me to be in a healthier, more respectful environment. In the past, I used to think I had to stay and suffer through it, or try to reason my way through abusive behavior, or make excuses for those being disrespectful. This may be the among the rare times when I heard the “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” scream within me and gave myself permission to act on it. May this be more of my reality going forward (and yours too if this resonates with you).

    I’m learning how to be an expert in me, by working towards getting a PhD in Being Me, and I took major steps forward during this experience. It felt holistic and pure and straight from within me. I didn’t look to others to confirm my next steps, I make those decisions from that inner roar and man, it felt so super good.

    By Friday evening, I was exhausted and depleted and yesterday too. I know how much energy it takes to learn new ways of being and to follow ones instincts in a world full of advice, fads and ways of being. I rode those waves of exhaustion and made sure to praise myself for following my inner voice, for protecting my innocence, for knowing I was worthy of having my boundaries respected and for taking steps to make sure major boundary violations wouldn’t happen again. I was gentle with myself as I went through this and I am smiling while typing this. It feels very good to be learning to honor myself from the inside out.

    If you are in need of gentleness, I support you. I am with you. I haven’t gotten to this place overnight. It has been a life long process, one that has been agonizingly slow at times. It is my hope that in sharing my journey, it will help connect you to what is best for you in your life. I would never dream of making any reader think that they need to do exactly what I am doing. Rather, it is my dream that you, dear reader, may be so full of love, inspiration and hope after visiting this blog that it makes your life easier and gentler.

    May you follow the breadcrumbs of light that I am leaving behind as I walk, type and learn to live from my power. May they lead you to your inner voice and power. May you rise up within yourself, in your own way, to live your life from the inside out, in all of your brilliance and authenticity, despite anything you’ve ever been told about what is wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with me. We are beautiful humans, being pushed to the breaking point, so we may see what’s on the other side.

    Pssst, I have a secret. I think it’s only freedom, power and greater confidence. Look out world, here we come with songs of hope, torches of light and an abundance of love and healing.

    Big hugs!! xoxoxoxoox

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • The Breaking Point

    Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

    I’ve been feeling more of my power coming to the forefront of my inner world lately and it’s been wonderful.  Today I had an experience that deeply insulted, offended and angered me.  After it was over, I felt like I was in shock, and I needed time to settle back into myself.  I was in shock over how rude, insensitive and condescending people can be, and how so many others seem to support that type of behavior.  I have been a human for 43 years now, and the more I open my heart and lead with my vulnerability, the more I am shocked and appalled by the worst aspects of humanity. 

    Shortly afterwards, I had to excuse myself in order to cry and let my feelings out.  I remember wanting to rationalize and justify things to myself, instead I chose to love the one who needed to break down and shed many tears.  That felt so much better to me, to just give myself permission to be overcome with emotion and to embrace the one who felt trampled and abused.  As the day went on, I continued to embrace and hold space for my precious innocence as I grieved and felt the shock.  I really felt like I got further in getting a PhD in Being Me today.

    As the day went on, I got angry.  I learned how my anger is a way to respond to a pretty intense violation of my precious inner space and outer boundaries.  I started cherishing that anger and I could see images in my mind of me becoming a dragon and breathing flames everywhere, not in a destructive way, but in a powerful, “not again” way.  Writing this is one of the things I am choosing to do to honor myself today, and the sadness that I continue to feel under that anger that is giving me the strength to advocate for myself and to prevent this from happening again.

    I’m still not sure what my next steps are, but I know now that I’ve been growing and I have new tools and new awareness to honor, protect and nurture myself.  I have come very, very, very far in this way.  I remember the days when my only options were to shut down, cry in my choicelessness/helplessness or to deepen my victimhood.  If you resonate with those ways of being, I see you.  I also super honor you.  It is so hard to be choiceless, to feel like a victim and to live from a shut down place.  With every word you read on this blog, may you know that I believe in you.  May you be blessed with all you need to heal from trauma, abuse and other atrocities you’ve experienced and may you be surrounded with a blanket of peace, healing and protection while you heal. 

    Let’s breathe fire together and burn down (metaphorically 😊) all that no longer serves humanity.

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.