A note: This poem is a follow up to the post I published the other day about living with presence and bringing more of my care, attention and awareness to life. I have cycled through being more conscious and present in my life and I am coming alive to my life once again. No matter where you are on your journey of mindfulness and presence, I wish you well and may you show yourself compassion. Big hugs!
Choosing consciously – a poem
If I do something and
feel like I don’t have a choice,
I will be drained, hopeless and exhausted.
If I do that same something
but bring myself to the task
and choose to do it
because I want to,
I am no longer choiceless.
If I know that taking the garbage out
and washing the pots are the last thing I want to do,
but I do them anyway,
I age, decay and slowly die inside.
If I recognize that I don’t
want to do those tasks and
be gentle and caring with myself,
instead of forcing my way on,
I blossom, heal and nourish myself.
It is a very subtle distinction,
but I do believe it is
the key to ending cycles of abuse,
by using our free will even where
it seems like we don’t have any.
May we all find the little ways in which we can liberate
Sometimes my perspective is slightly cloudy and misty. I stop, breathe, and remember my humanity and my vision clears.
Sometimes, I find myself getting very frustrated by how slowly things change in our world. I am constantly reflecting, growing, evolving, and improving the way I relate to myself and the world. I find it hard when things don’t keep up with my expectations.
When I am frustrated and want things to be better, I stop and focus on the human I am interacting with. I remember their humanity. I remember that they have feelings, hopes and dreams, and they are likely doing the best they can. If they can’t meet me where I’m at and I find myself getting frustrated, I can take a deep breath. I can remember that there is a human in front of me who is deserving of love, validation, and acknowledgment. They are there, reminding me of the depth of experience possible that comes from interacting consciously with a person, even if I don’t like what is going on, what they are saying or what I am feeling.
With every interaction I have, may I share love, validation, and respect to all, including myself. May we all remember that we are human, that we all respond well when we aren’t treated as objects but as beautiful beings.
It also helps me to remember that I am a human. I have ups and downs, triggers, emotions, passions, etc. When things aren’t going well in a situation, I breathe and remember that I am human, the people around me are human and we all have basic needs. When I remember this, I can approach a situation from a more heart centered instead of judgemental place.
I see you dear reader, and I hope you know how much I appreciate you taking your time to read this post. May your interactions be blessed with so much care and respect and humanity.
Do you ever feel like you need a little space? Gosh, I know I do! If you can relate to the facial expressions below, please read on and check out my video further down ❤️❤️.
I am smiling here and resting my head on my forehead. Sometimes I add some swearing tooThis is my “no, not again” face. It’s usually for the dogs, and may be accompanied by swearingI had fun with these photos. This one is half irritated, half me trying to capture my exasperation for you.
Sometimes, you need a little space. When life feels like too much, when there is too much to do, or too many demands from others on your time. A little space is a free and easy way to rebalance and recharge so you can come back to feeling like yourself.
I fully acknowledge that the more stress and pressure in life, the more space is needed. Sometimes we can give that to ourselves, but sometimes we can’t because we are caretakers, or our work requires it. In this short video, I give a few examples of how you can give yourself some space.
I was inspired to put this post together this afternoon because I needed space big time. It’s felt like a big week, and I am tired out today. My dogs seem to know when I am more tired, and they push the boundaries hard as a result. I yelled at them earlier and just felt so crowded. I recognize this may not seem like a big deal, but I am recovering from a lifetime of letting others take up my personal space, and my dogs are my best teachers. I get so harried and overwhelmed when my boundaries are violated, and I decided to make a change this afternoon to help myself out.
I had a quick errand to run, so I thought that would be a way to get some space. I almost came back home right away, but I decided to pause and consider what would help me the most. I decided to get some gas for my Lovemobile (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/07/04/phd-in-being-me-in-action/) and some fries, and it made a huge difference. I don’t think it was about the fries or seeing people at the gas station. I think it was much more about needing to do my own thing, by myself, so I could recharge. And even recognizing that I needed that time out of the house.
From my heart to yours, here are some other ways I have found to get a little space while not leaving my home:
Pulling up weeds is a free way to connect with nature, get your feelings out and be outside
Washing dishes while playing your favorite song
Taking a longer than usual shower or bath and enjoying the feeling of the water
Saying no to demands from everyone and enjoying something that brings pleasure or smiles to your heart
Lying on your bed when you can be alone and spending 5 minutes deep breathing
Looking at yourself in the mirror and smiling and saying nice things to yourself, even if you look and feel like shit. This is very effective for me. It allows me to show up for and see myself, even in my worst moments.
I first really understood the true value of space from Matt Kahn, a spiritual teacher and author who had helped me a lot (www.mattkahn.org). He explained how we need space so we can empty out our energetic recycling bin. He also helped me to know that anger and irritation is a sure sign that space is needed to process, integrate, and empty our recycling bin. I use those emotions as cues to take a few minutes to a few hours to take care of myself.
I sincerely hope this post was helpful for you. If not, I hope you laughed at my hilarious facial expressions. Please share how you give yourself a little space. Big hugs!
I wrote this poem on February 14, 2019. I remember those days of missing myself, and I still sometimes feel that, although it has a different feeling lately. Like I’ve been missing only certain parts of me that I’m still reclaiming, like my power. I am sharing it with the hope that it inspires anyone else who is missing themselves. Big hugs!
Missing myself – a poem
I feel like I’ve been missing myself.
Just this morning, I have been crying, aware that I have missed me.
I have been so caught up trying to survive and make it through in the past few months that I have been missing myself.
It is a good feeling in a way, because it means I’ve noticed and it is time to figure out how to spend more time with me, instead of rushing around all the time, trying to make things right outside of me and for other people.
Imagine how weird that is…I am right here, but yet I have missed myself.
There is a massive depth to me and when I am in survival mode, I am only living from the surface of me.
My depths are crying out for me to return to them, to bring the depths up to the surface so that I may exist in a more whole and complete way and as a result, I may bring more blessings, health and abundance to myself and to all of those I interact with.
Here I am, vulnerable and raw, sinking into the depths of me, while they rise to meet me.
What a holy day.
Interestingly enough, it is Valentine’s Day today. May I be reunited with all that I am, in a true sacred union that needs no flowers, chocolates or cards.
Living with chronic fatigue syndrome can be quite confusing and hard. I remember being a student athlete, working full time and working on a Master’s degree in another city, and other wonderful examples of having energy. I also know that having this medical condition has taught me so much about myself and has given me a chance to know myself better and to heal some big wounds.
I can only write about my experience of chronic fatigue syndrome, and my experiences will likely be different from those of others. I acknowledge, honor, and respect everyone with a chronic condition, no matter how their symptoms manifest.
The thing I struggle with the most is not comparing myself to others who aren’t constantly tired. I look at the volunteers in my community and how hard they work, and I am in awe and jealous all at once. Chronic fatigue syndrome has taught me to focus on my own experience of life more. To notice how it feels to live the life I have, even when I sometimes want it to be different.
I don’t have control over if I get better (believe me, I have tried), but I do have control over the choices I make each day. I can choose to notice that my head hurts and I am feeling nauseous. Both of those are my precious body’s way of saying, “hey, rest is what I need, not more doing.” Being respectful of myself means listening to my body, honoring any emotions I feel about needing to lie down, and giving myself permission to rest in a world that is so very busy.
I have struggled with this a lot and am much kinder to myself now. I still whine and moan sometimes because my emotional maturity level goes down the more tired I get. Despite this, I am proud of how much easier it is for me to make choices that are in my best interests. I am proud of myself for developing boundaries and finding the courage to speak up about them. I am proud of myself for developing a stronger sense of self worth despite having this condition. I would still like to get better at not comparing my energy to others and not judging myself, but I recognize I am getting better at this. I have such a wonderful life, I don’t want to miss out on it just because I am chronically tired. May we all be blessed with knowing when rest is best and with the ability to be so kind to ourselves.
I dedicate this post to my beautiful body for teaching me about when rest is best and to chronic fatigue syndrome for helping me polish my interior and exterior so I can shine brighter than ever before despite this condition. May we all be blessed to know how life is always here to help us, even when life isn’t how we want it to be. Big hugs!
Our day old baby chick, Lillium, who was sick. I made this video to share with the vet in case we could get her help. She died the next morning.
A beautiful, tiny, one-day old baby chick named Lillium taught so much about suffering in her time with us. She arrived at 9:15 am on May 31, 2023, and she passed away by 6:30am the next day.
We got 7 one-day old baby chicks, and they are all so precious and cute. Baby chicks are so fast and curious, but not Lillium. I noticed she had a dark lump on her underside and that she wasn’t running around with the other chicks. I immediately felt like something wasn’t right.
We tried bathing her underside in case her lump was hardened droppings, but it wasn’t. It was a growth, and it seemed to be making her quite sick. I usually worry about babies because they need so much love and support, but my worry for Lillium was really high. I couldn’t handle the idea of such a little, tiny chick suffering.
I prayed for her, sang to her, and checked on her constantly. I researched what her lump could be and made the video at the top of this post to share with the vet to learn if anything could help her. I cried a few times and really witnessed myself feeling very shaken and sad by her very obvious suffering.
Baby Lillium taught me a lot. She taught me that I don’t like to see anyone suffering and that it really stresses me out. She helped me to identify healthy versus unhealthy ways of dealing with her suffering. I even made some connections to how stressed I have been when my immediate family was hurting in any number of ways. She helped me shed light on what was out of my control and helped me take small steps to finding peace when witnessing suffering.
I was still not a rockstar at being with her while she suffered, but I was absorbing the lessons she was teaching me. I am hopeful that I will be able to hold them in my heart when I witness suffering in myself or in others in the future. Thank you sweet Lillium for showing me the depths of my caring and compassion ❤️. Thank you for gracing my life with your sweet presence for a bit less than a day. Thank you for helping me learn to make peace with suffering.
The dogs woke me up at 4:45am this morning and I was pretty irritated at first. I was amazed how quickly I turned my irritation around by saying lovely things to myself. As I walked down the hall to let them out, I said, “You’re doing such a great job, Bradlee,” and “You are such a caring person.” I felt the irritation lift and I was even able to go back to sleep after.
Are you interested in being kinder to yourself? In saying lovely things to yourself? Especially saying those words you wish others would say to you? I first learned about how to do this in 2015 after watching this inspirational video by Matt Kahn. It’s a long one, but super worth it. It truly gave me the inspiration and easy suggestions to learn how to witness my life and to validate myself while I live it.
In the spirit of sharing and uplifting all readers, I will share a list of things I find myself often saying to myself. I always feel better when I do this. If I don’t feel better, I ask myself what I need to receive instead, and that usually breaks through the anger, despair or whatever I’m feeling. I’m learning, day by day, to be an expert in being me. I really hope these words inspire you to get a PhD in Being Me too!
Examples of lovely things to say to yourself:
Hey, you just did an awesome job washing the dishes, way to go!
Thank you for vacuuming, especially since you were so tired. I really appreciate you.
You nailed that presentation at work today honey, woohoo!
I’m so proud of you, you used your voice to speak up about your boundaries so well.
That was a really good, clear email you wrote at work. Well done!
Way to take a few minutes to lie down, breathe and relax before moving onto your next task.
You did a great job pulling food out of the freezer to make sure you could make healthy meals.
You did such a good job honoring yourself today. You recognized you had limited energy, and you ordered groceries online, and cooked simpler foods for meals.
You spoke up about what your intuition told you instead of doubting yourself! Nice work. I hope you know how trustworthy you are going forward!
I’m so proud of you for recognizing that you needed time to yourself today and for taking it.
You did a good job relaxing while you were walking the dogs. You also were a rock star in keeping them from pulling you to the back of the forest.
You are such a tender, sweet and caring person. You are very good at loving your family and caring for others.
I can tell you are strained and anxious right now. I super honor you. Is there anything I can do for you?
Oh man, you are doing a great job of thinking massively resentful thoughts. Is there something I can do for you? I know there’s still laundry to do and dishes to wash, but you matter more.
These are just a sample of things I may say to myself at various points in the day. I need to say these lovely, caring things to myself especially on days when I am really tired or feeling anxious or overwhelmed. I’d greatly welcome comments about which of these feels good to you or what you say to yourself that makes you feel good!
Let’s do this! Let’s choose to honor and love ourselves! Let’s choose to be kind to the most important people in our lives, but especially ourselves.
In 2018, I went through several months of exploring my faith. I don’t have a religion, although I was baptized Christian. For many years now, I’ve been learning about God, Creator, the Universe in my own way, and it has felt really important and authentic for me. The text below was really about me trying to make sense of what I was feeling during a very turbulent time, and learning how to have faith in God. This post is in honor of my precious friend, Carla.
When I falter
There are times when I falter. I forget how special and important I am, and I rely on my decision making skills from my past, and I slip back into the fog of unconsciousness. I again wear the cloak of darkness that makes it so it doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal to make choices that aren’t the best for me. I am able to rationalize most anything when I am wearing that cloak. God loves me so much, He makes it easy for me to don the cloak so that I get the pleasure and challenge of finding my way back home to Him, to my Heart, to my healthiest ways of living. It’s like I get a chance to relearn faith each and every time. It is like with each time I can take the cloak off and hang it up on a hanger that is farther and farther away from me.
May I honor that cloak and our Lord as one and the same, as they are both my greatest teachers, and each just teaches me from a different perspective. One is not better than the other and it is time for me to forgive myself for all the times I put on the cloak of darkness and forgot my heart’s song. God was with me, singing the song for me each time I wore the cloak and the reason why it feels so beautiful and free when I take the cloak off is because that is when I sing along with God and remember that I’ve never been alone and that I have a beautiful voice and a very sacred song to sing. Sat Naam.
I wrote the words below in May 2019. I often wrote emails to myself, to try to sort out my feelings. Sometimes I find that easier than writing in a journal. I am so humbled to read these words, there I was, so broken after my mom had suddenly died a few months later, but so ready to acknowledge what I needed and craved, and what was holding me back. I honor the me I was then, and then me I am now, and the me I am becoming. As you read this, may it inspire you to love, honor, witness and validate yourself, from the inside out. I honestly think that learning to do this over the past few years is what gave me the strength to recognize my Breaking Point and to find out what was Beyond the Breaking Point. I know I’ll have many more breaking points, and that’s okay. As long as I keep myself company through them, I know I’ll be alright.
With love,
Bradlee
Who am I waiting for?
I often notice myself talking to other people in my head.
It’s like I’m trying to seek help or validation from them regarding my experiences.
While I am grateful to have the help and support of many people, I have a feeling that I am still so desperate to be witnessed, heard, seen and validated.
I’m aware that it may not be a bad thing to want support and validation, but there is something about it that feels like it’s trying to teach me something.
I often imagine myself having conversations with the grief counselor or naturopath that I have been seeing and I’m asking them for their insights on how I’m doing, how I’m feeling and what it all may mean.
As I’m writing this, I’m starting to feel a bit nauseous and teary, so I believe I am on the right path.
I still find it so hard to believe that I am a good person, that I am making healthy and wise choices, that others appreciate me, that I am a beautiful healer, that I am so acutely and wonderfully aware of what is going on within me and that I’m not broken. I do think that is why I have those conversations in my head.
What might I need to feel the greatness I already am and to see how healthy, beautiful, kind, smart, wise and empathically awesome I already am?
Whose approval am I really looking for? Is it from all the people in my life who didn’t have it to give, because they didn’t even know how to appreciate and approve of themselves?
Yes, there is no doubt that the lack of their approval was hurtful and left me seeking so much externally. But I know that there is more.
I know that I am really missing myself and the ability to be a witness to myself, from the inside out.
It’s like I haven’t know how to be grounded within myself and as a result, I’ve been outside myself for a very long time and I’m missing myself.
I want to be grounded. I want to have my own experience of life. I want to develop my inner compass so that I follow its guidance and direction to what is best for me, instead of what I have done for so long, looking outside of myself and at others for answers.
I really feel like I am deeply healing at this time and that it is my time to reclaim my health and vitality on all levels and dimensions of myself and to rise up as the beauty I already am and sing and dance and live boldly and confidently. As I step across the stage of my life into the light, may I give myself the time and patience I need to get stronger within and throughout all of me, so that I may walk as a vortex of light on this planet, pulling in everything that is meant to return home to heaven, for the well-being of all humanity. May all aspects of me be healed, blessed and transformed so that I may live out my life’s purpose in all of its glory.
PhD in Being Me 