PhD in Being Me

Category: Lessson Learned

  • My humanness is divine

    Photo by Sam Kolder on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in 2016-2017. I was having a really hard time bridging what I was learning about spirituality and what I hated about myself. It was through writing this poem and a few others that I realized I was resenting my “humanness” and was trying to rise above it. As I wrote this poem, it taught me a more loving way to embrace all of me. There is a lot of joy, power and possibility in this poem. As you read it, I hope it helps you in some way! Big hugs from me to you!

    My humanness is divine – a poem

    I feel like I am split in two

    right under my heart.

    The split came into place

    because I judged my humanness

    as being less than perfect

    as being un-divine.

    Maybe it wasn’t me who started that feeling

    but I have let it continue within me,

    creating a divide and a separation

    and an ultimate judgement.

    I have strived for perfection and in

    doing so, I have pushed down the

    qualities that I perceived as being in the way

    of this false sense of perfection I was seeking.

    I had no idea I was pushing away myself;

    that with each judgement, I was creating

    a burial ground within me of all that I had

    deemed unacceptable and unholy.

    It is time for me to unearth my buried self.

    It is time for me to reclaim and dig out the passage

    between the humanness and the divinity that I am.

    I made it impossible for there to be a connection 
    between the human me and the divine me and the lower

    half of me has been screaming for my attention for years.

    I made it impossible to hear its screams, or at least

    I made it possible for me to ignore them.

    One step at a time, with a shovel of love, I will unbury and reclaim

    all of myself.  With open arms, I will welcome me home

    to my heart from its prison of hatred and shame.

    With apologies and songs of joy I will work, patiently,

    humbly and honestly, in order to create an opening within me

    so that there can be no more forced burials, only

    openness, love, compassion and tenderness.

    All that I shoved down is what makes me human.

    I am God’s perfect child, as a soul and as a human

    and so are we all.

    What have you buried within you? 

    How are its cries for help, for your love and compassion and acceptance

    manifesting in your life, in your health and in your body?

    Hear the cries my dear friends.

    It is time.

    Yes, it is scary, but it is time to hear it and to own up to the truth.

    You are divine.  You can’t hide it anymore.

    Your humanness is holy and I am here to tell you that you can’t bury it

    anymore.  Rise up and walk and open your arms to you.

    You are perfect and holy just as you are

    and you are your own perfect teacher.

    You have been willing to go through all of this just for you.

    It can’t be more perfect than that.

    Find your shovel and humility, they are right there

    in your heart.

    Let me know what you find.

    Much love to you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Literally overflowing with love

    A heart with lots of sparkly lights around it.
    Photo by Ugur Tandogan on Pexels.com

    Living with chronic fatigue syndrome is sometimes at odds with who I am.  I am a big hearted person who loves to connect with others, share hugs, give compassion and acknowledgement and more hugs.  Being chronically tired means that I can’t always do that because I don’t have enough physical, energetic or emotional energy to share.  I think that is actually the hardest part of it all.  The awesome gift in it all is that I have learned to be more discerning.  I carefully consider where, when and how to connect with others, so it is really meaningful for me and them.

    On Sunday, I got to be a backstage helper at the Kemptville Youth Musical Theatre Company’s production of Matilda.  My teen is in the show and it is truly spectacular.  I offered to help as a “den mother,” which meant that all I had to do was show up after the performance, help in the dressing rooms, and gently nudge the performers to tidy, put their costumes away and get out of there so everyone could get home to rest or celebrate.  I was really tired on Sunday, but I could feel my heart overflowing with love for these youth and the fabulous people who volunteered so many hours to give the youth this incredible, life-building experience.  I decided that I was going to go there, tired or not and be me, to the fullest extent of me.  I drove to the store, bought healthy juice and granola bars, and then waited excitedly at the theatre for the show to end so I could surround the performers with love, compliments, food and drink. 

    The amazing Matilda cast!!
    Photo by Jennifer Boggett Photography

    Honestly, seeing them all come backstage after greeting their adoring audience made me overflow and explode with love.  I could literally feel myself lighting up that narrow corridor and filling it with love, safety and joy.  The performers all had different reactions to my varying exclamations of, “I’m so proud of you, I’m Zara’s mom, I love you all and I brought you snacks and juice instead of being a strict den mother.”  It made me feel so good and I could see it uplifting them too. 

    I am constantly amazed at what happens when I give myself permission to be me, regardless of what other adults around me are doing.  I’m 43 and I felt more like my true self in that little hallway than I have in many other situations.  I really think the magic ingredient was that I allowed myself to be me, in all of my ridiculous joy, innocence and happiness.  It lifted me up for the remainder of the evening and really taught me something really important.  I feel my best when I am my authentic self.  I definitely got closer to getting a PhD in Being Me that afternoon.  Yay for that!

    I also want to acknowledge that I was my authentic self while I was showering everyone with lots of love and food, but I didn’t try to hide that I struggle with the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety sometimes.  I still had some shy moments and I still had to sit on the floor for a bit to rest.  I loved it.  I was authentically all of me, no shame, no hiding, no trying to be someone else, I just actually brought all of me and I loved it.  I learned to love and appreciate all aspects of me even more during that experience.

    May you have many opportunities to witness your glory, no matter how much you may be struggling with certain areas of your life.  The ability to shine is so incredible, even for the shortest moments, especially if you are also struggling with overwhelm, despair or turmoil like I do sometimes.  No matter where you are at, I honor you. I celebrate you.  May you know how special you are and how worthy you are of being seen, heard and witnessed.  Every step, no matter how small, counts.  And it counts for a lot.  There is no rush at the school of PhD in Being Me.  There is no curriculum, no set lesson plan.  It’s just you, exploring life as you, and learning what makes you feel good, what makes you feel angry or unsafe and adjusting to give yourself more love and support. 

    Big hugs and thanks for reading.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Shutting down

    Image of a black swirling staircase
    Photo by Robin Schreiner on Pexels.com

    I shut down sometimes.

    Sometimes I shut others out.

    Sometimes it feels like I’m shutting myself out.

    Shutting down.

    Is it a healthy coping mechanism?

    No, I don’t really think so.

    Is it okay that I do it?

    Ya, I think so.

    Sometimes my computer just gets that loading circle right when I’m in the middle of doing something. I guess I’m like that sometimes too, I just need time and space to breathe deeply, to allow myself to process what’s going on and to fortify myself for responding to myself and life in the healthiest, most loving and respectful ways possible.

    Am I haunted by echoes of the pain of being shut out by others? Yes.

    Can learning to embrace my need to shut down help me look at that pain with more compassion, empathy and understanding? Yes.

    Here I am, smiling and knowing that it is okay, that I am okay, that I am doing great and that with each realization, the self-judgement lessens, the need to be this perfect person dissolves and I can breathe deeply, embrace my humanity, love the me I am, the me I was and the me I will be.

    May we all allows ourselves to be, to breathe, and to know that with every moment, we are learning, growing and exactly as we are meant to be.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Emergence

    Image of a caterpillar that just emerged from a chrysalis.
    Photo by Nandhu Kumar on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in 2016 or so. It is very special to me, as it very beautifully describes how I learned to turn around within myself to find me. No preamble or explanation can really set the stage better than the poem itself. May it inspire you to further emergence of your most wonderful self. xoxoxoxo

    Emergence – a poem

    What if all the longing I felt my whole life was just so simple?

    What if I thought I longed for another, when really,

    I was just longing for myself?

    For my own attention,

    comfort,

    care,

    compassion and

    love?

    What if every time I longed to be passionate about a cause like my friends

    or to have a boyfriend or

    a romantic encounter,

    all I really wanted was for me to turn around

    and take a look at the beauty and rawness that was always there?

    What if all of the external things were only traps

    that I unknowingly fell into again and again,

    feeling the press and pressure to fall in

    from society

    from family

    from what is expected

    and normal

    and what should be done?

    What if now I’ve fallen enough times?

    What if I choose to be done climbing out of the holes and traps?

    What if I choose to turn around,

    to be bold and brave

    and to embrace the me that has always been here;

    the real me,

    the one who has been patiently waiting for me,

    the one who never longed, desired, craved or grew angry?

    The one who accepted me and all of the distractions I got caught up in,

    knowing that at one point,

    its love, benevolence and grace

    would catch my true attention.

    What would happen then?

    What did happen….

    I learned to turn around and

    I found a raw, pure and innocent part of my being that has always been with me.

    It has an unbroken connection to infinity

    to the stars

    to the universe

    to the divinity within all.

    I went for it.

    I stepped toward it and it has been entering me and filling me since.

    Where it will take me, I don’t know, but I’m not falling, I’m only

    cycling with the waves of emotion that are rising up within me

    from such a radical

    yet obvious

    choice.

    Through a willingness to have an open heart,

    to live from vulnerability instead

    of from fear and protection

    and a realisation that all of my dreams had come true

    before I had even noticed,

    I turned around.

    At that point, the gateway to my vulnerability opened

    and it was gently guided by a beautiful soul

    who whispered to me,

    who helped me turn around and thank myself.  He helped me

    to realise the beauty in my own heart and

    to feel the purity and innocence within me;

    radiating and pulsing like a star about to be born.

    I am grateful to be here.

    I am grateful to be emerging.

    May I fly like the firefly,

    landing gently on the arms of my fellow brothers and sisters,

    reminding them of the light that is within them…

    if only they would just turn around

    and look.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Finding My Power

    Image of flames

    I have been scared and intimidated by anger in the past.  I have also been wanting to get to know my anger and to create more space for it within me.

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome.  Over the last several years, I have hated myself for it, resented, blamed and berated myself and my body for it. I have also lost myself in efforts to “get rid of it” so I could get back to my life without it.  I have tried many ways to heal, those that honored me and my precious body and those that were just a means to an end.

    This past week I thought to myself that I would just stop.  Just stop trying to get better, to overcome this and just be me regardless of whether I like having chronic fatigue or not.  It felt very nice, like I could finally relax and just be.  Ironically then, yesterday I met two people who offered me suggestions of other options or paths I could take. At first it felt nice to have more hope but a few hours later I felt angry. I felt it traveling up the right side of my body, burning.  I felt it and I knew. 

    This is my power.  This anger is me saying enough, reminding me that I am the one with the power to make my own decisions, the only one who can choose to stop trying and just be.  The one who can appreciate that there may be other avenues to explore but who needs a rest from exploring.  As I type this, I feel incredibly empowered and accepting of myself. I don’t feel like I am giving up on myself. If anything, my anger has led me to a deeper sense of home, acceptance and belonging within me.

    It’s 3:54am and I felt so moved by my anger that I needed to type this out.  I had just woken up 25 minutes ago to use the washroom and I felt so full of thoughts that I decided to breathe and allow my breath to empty me out so I could go back to sleep. I felt dizzy with how overflowing I was with thoughts but then I remembered the beautiful anger I had felt while brushing my teeth before bed and I reclaimed my power again and starting typing.  Now I feel like I am my own super hero with a calm mind and heart.  I am here, loving and honoring myself and my need “to be” instead of “pursue”.

    Will I ever try other ways to heal my chronic fatigue? Absolutely.  When will I start that exploration?  When the time feels right.

    Thank you my beautiful mind, body and heart for all you do. And thank you anger for teaching me to honor my needs and boundaries and for guiding me to my inner peace and power. No matter where you are in your life and what you are dealing with, may you be blessed with so much inner power, strength, inspiration and peace.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • From Anxiety to Empowerment

    Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

    I am sensitive, easily stressed and anxious. I am also growing and learning and finding new ways to care for the wonderfully sensitive person I am.

    As I reflect back on my life, I see how many times I didn’t know I had options. I would just be anxious and sit in that for a long time. I often related to myself and life from a very disempowered and victim-like place. In the last months, I have been growing more empowered as I learn more options for responding to life. Am I an expert yet? No! Does it feel awesome when I first remember that I have choices and then actually explore them? Yes!

    I am very fortunate to have had an opportunity to talk with a therapist from the Kemptville Stress Relief Centre. She gave me some excellent advice that seemed to have opened up a dormant part of my being. I was asking about how to set my kid up for success in life and she empowered me so I could empower my kid. It was really awesome. More specifically, she encouraged me to do some research about my areas of concern, talk to my kid about them, work together to find solutions and agree to check in with each other regularly. It seemed so simple and so much more effective than just worrying without any action.

    Since that time, I have been noticing that I feel more confident and empowered, and less anxious as a result. It’s amazing to remind myself of how capable I am and that I don’t have to feel like a victim when I give myself space and time to consider options, consult experts, talk about my feelings, talk to my family or friends, etc. I understand that it will take time to let this sink in and for this new way of being to be my default. In the meantime, I pledge to recognize my anxiety and explore my options so I can become more empowered.

    Does this resonate with you? Have you also felt anxious and stuck like a victim? What have you done to move forward with respect and care for yourself? I am excited to be at this place in my life, better late than never, eh?

    Thanks for reading! And big hugs to you! I love and honor you as you become an expert in being your lovely self!

    A blue rectangle with gold dust on the sides, with the words, "With every breath you take, may you be empowered."

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • False Perfection

    Image of a broken piece of glass with many shatter lines in it.
    Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in 2017. It was when I knew that I could be kinder to myself and I was experimenting with how to do so. I remember just feeling so constrained and wondering what I was trying to measure up to and why. I like the strain in this poem and the dawning of the realization I was having. I feel like it’s a bit messy and I like it that way. I feel like it’s messy because the idea was so new to me, that there was less of the usual flow that’s in my writing. I invite you to check it out and may it help free you from any prisons of perfection you have been living in. Big hugs!!

    False Perfection - a poem

What is the measure of perfection?

I have always strived for perfection without really ever having a true definition of perfection.

Recently I realized that it was some kind of false ideal that I was striving to, one that was unattainable, unrealistic and certainly not defined by me.

I was setting myself up to fail and to hate myself time and time again

As I was wanting to measure myself and my actions against a non-existent

Standard.

I have seen others hate themselves and berate themselves because they

Couldn’t measure up to their undefined standards of perfection.


Let’s rise up dear brothers and sisters.

Let us liberate ourselves from these false pretenses,

These false measures that are not based in any reality,

That are more like prisons that don’t have any walls.

Once you know there are no walls and everything is false

About the ideals we strive for that are not defined by any heart

Spirit or the Universe,

Then the false ideals fall away and

There is then time to get to know the way of the heart

The way that has always been there, waiting for the seeds of truth

To be planted within our hearts, once we step out of the darkness

Of the prison with no walls, into the gardens of our hearts,

Where there is always truth, nothing false and we remember

That everything is here to help us, even false pretenses.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Giving myself time

    A sunset behind trees covered with ice and snow.

    I love this image. I took it at sunset a few weeks ago. It reminds me that there is a lot of beauty in the day’s transitions. Here is another of a sunrise from the front of my house.

    These two images remind me that the sun doesn’t rush it’s rising or setting. Nor does it seem to judge what’s going on in the sky while it is going through those transitions. It just is. And it’s always perfect and beautiful. So, how can I translate this wisdom to myself?

    Lately, I have been dealing with big feelings on and off. I’ve loved it because I am learning to allow myself space and time to be with my feelings. This is the opposite approach I used to take. It’s uncomfortable to be with some of these big feelings but it is also so liberating. I understand that they are here for a reason and that it is okay for me to sit with them, to just be with them. The other important thing I am learning is that I am okay even though I am feeling them. That is a big win.

    So, these feelings are like a slow and glorious sunrise. There are different phases of a gorgeous sunrise. At first the sky gently starts to lighten. The sky may then explode into bursts of color, or highlight the underside of the clouds like in the second photo. Then the sun itself emerges over the horizon and creates this magnificent light and it feels like the world is celebrating. Afterwards, the sun continues to rise and bring us light and warmth (can you tell it’s winter here?).

    I am seeing that my feelings have phases too. Sometimes they let me know they are there because I feel uncomfortable in my belly or chest. Other times, they explode and I feel them in my body and it’s like there is a shaking or a rumbling inside me. Occasionally it takes me a few days or weeks of my feelings rising and setting within me to understand their purpose and messages. That is what’s been going on for the past 3 weeks or so. The message in my feelings became clear to me on my walk this morning. It was perfect and beautiful and brought me much relief, even though I hadn’t liked feeling this way.

    I also started understanding that being uncomfortable with these big feelings wasn’t wrong, it was like the feelings were incubating within me before they could burst out like a glorious sunrise and share their inspiration with me. I had to watch and feel those feelings set every night with the sun and know that they would rise again with the sun until I was ready.

    Gosh, it is so freeing to understand myself and my feelings better. It feels so good to be making some sense of my life’s rhythms instead of constantly thinking I should be better at being happy all the time. I am a human. I have rhythms, I am affected by the winds of change within and around me, and that is a gift. I would rather be in sync with the rhythms on our beautiful planet than hold myself to some rigid expectations and suffer as a result.

    May you all be blessed with so much ease, light and grace as you learn and explore your own natural rhythms too. With every breath you take, may you write beautiful treaties of peace with yourself, your feelings, your body, mind, heart and soul. Big hugs!

    Scrabble tiles that spell the word love with a red heart next to it.
    Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Overwhelmed and angry

    I have really been enjoying feeling angry in the last month. I have a complicated relationship with anger…I used to shove it down….I used to be scared of what I would do if I got angry, so I wouldn’t let myself even feel it. The problem is that it was fermenting and boiling inside of me.

    I am feeling really hopeful because it has been easier for me to feel anger, which is a fabulous step in giving myself permission to feel anger. It also will allow anger to signal to me when there is a problem, which is its beautiful and very important purpose.

    I wrote the following as I was exploring these new feelings. May it help you in connecting with any feelings you have also denied, shut down or shoved down. Thank you for reading. May your heart be light ❤️.

    “Here I am
    Yet again
    Motherf#$&<ng mad and resentful as shit.
    It is overflowing from all over and within me and I hate it.
    I don’t want to feel this way.
    I don’t like it and it doesn’t feel like the way I want to feel.
    But here it is anyway, this anger and resentment is overwhelmingly loud,
    “What about me”
    And
    “Leave me alone” fill my being.
    I can imagine where those loud feelings come from but I still hate them.
    They are valid and completely fair, I just hate them anyway.
    I feel like I become a monster with no limits, just a big gaping maw of anger and
    this scares me.
    I trust myself and I feel incredibly guilty after this crushing wave of anger but I still trust myself.
    I wish I could trust the anger, trust what it is telling me about my needs to rest, put myself first and be still, but sometimes there is still life to live, so how do I balance it all?
    How do I invite more joy in my life without being realistic that I don’t always have energy for those joy bringing activities?
    Hmm, maybe it’s okay to get angry.
    What if I only feel guilty because I think I shouldn’t get angry?
    I love having boundaries. I love feeling them. I love knowing so easily now when one is being crossed and I need to take action.  I f@#$ing love it.
    So…the past 2 times I got angry, my boundaries of what is acceptable behavior were massively violated. And I got angry. I guess what I’d like to do is respond in a way that feels better, less reactive, and more in a way I can feel better about. Like using my anger as a guide and then taking it a step further and using that anger to power a more conscious response instead of a lashing out response. That feels good.  Okay, great. Thanks anger and resentment for teaching me this important lesson.  I really appreciate it.  There are always options, eh?  Xoxoxo”

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Giving myself micro-affirmations

    How many times in life do we end up treating ourselves badly? Berating ourselves or beating ourselves up emotionally? How many times have we experienced micro-aggressions from others and from our own selves?

    Today, I learned a new term in my workplace’s course on Harassment and Violence in the Work Place. It really made me stop and take a moment to breathe it in. It made me wonder, how different would my inner life be if I only ever gave myself micro-affirmations? Or if I made it my intention each day to lead with micro-affirmations for myself, for my family, for my colleagues and for everyone I interact with?

    How many of us are in dire need of micro-affirmations? We certainly don’t need micro-aggressions! Here are some examples of kind things I have learned to say and do for myself:

    • “Hey honey, you are a bit tired today. With every breath you take, may you feel more rejuvenated and cared for.”
    • I caress my cheek gently and tell myself that I am a beauty.
    • I dance to a fun song in front of the mirror and give myself compliments like, “you look so great, honey,” or “nice dance moves,” or “you are so beautiful.”
    • I acknowledge the good I’ve done, even if no one else has. I will say something like this to myself, “way to go Bradlee, I’m really proud of you.”
    • If I wake up feeling stiff, tired and sore, I’ll say, “I honor you dearest body. Thank you for everything you do for me. Let’s move around and set a beautiful intention for the day and take it nice and easy.”

    I find that the more I do this for myself, the more I fill myself up, and then naturally, I have more to give to others. The definition of micro-affirmations fits very well into the Phd in Being Me philosophy and I hope it inspires you to give kindness to yourself, and when you’re full enough, to give that to others.

    May you be well and may the hearts of all be filled with the most loving, inclusive and validating micro-affirmations. xoxoox Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.