PhD in Being Me

Category: Lessson Learned

  • Done

    Early morning quiet at my place

    Sometimes I am done.

    I have nothing more to give, no more capacity to think things through, or to deal with differing opinions constructively or compassionately.

    When I am in this place, I rest.

    When cookies are finished baking, there is no point in keeping them in the oven because they’ll just burn. With people, it’s the same, and I have learned that the hard way.

    When I start waking up super early with a racing mind, a restless body, and an overall unsettled feeling, it is my beingness telling me, “hey, the timer’s beeping, take me out of the oven.”

    Today, I am honoring myself by recognizing this state of being by getting out of bed early, drawing a bath, writing about my experience and planning not to try to force my way through my day.

    Note: as I wrote the last sentence above a few days ago, I knew right away that my plan wasn’t enough. I got into the bath and cried a bit and knew that I needed a day off of work. Even though I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I still sometimes find it hard to take a day off. Starting this post gave me the time and space within myself to actually reflect on my needs and to give myself permission to meet them.

    I really like the analogy I started above about not baking cookies longer than they need or else they’ll burn. I definitely don’t want to burn myself out again, like I did in 2016.

    May we all be blessed with the space, means and support we need to notice how we are doing, and to take the steps we need to care for and nurture ourselves when we are done. I believe it is okay to set the timer so the cookies come out of the oven before they burn, may we all be empowered and supported to do the same for ourselves.

    Big hugs 💕

    Cookies on a baking sheet
    Cookies I happily made the other day. I watched them carefully while they were in the oven.
    May we all do the same for ourselves so we can heed our warning signals that it’s time to rest and ‘get out of the oven’ of busyness and stress

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Breathing in and actually letting it out

    Northern lights with blue and green hues
    Magic can happen when we let ourselves feel the whole experience of being human

    Today feels like the kind of day where I need to remember to breathe in and out. To be with the rhythm of my breath, to breathe in, feel everything that is uncomfortable and actually breathe it out.

    As I have written before, I am learning to be inspired by nature. Over the past few weeks, there has been freezing rain, lots of snow and very mild weather. I have seen trees cut down, and wasps coming out of their early winter sleep. Nature is whispering, “hey, it’s okay if things aren’t permanent. They’re meant to change, and so are you. Aligning with your breath is one way to remember that.”

    And so, I breathe in, feel it all, exhale, and let whatever I have been holding onto out.

    Whatever you are feeling today, I invite you to join me in putting your hand on your heart, smiling gently at yourself and inhaling nice and slow. If it feels right to you, give yourself a little compliment or some affirming words like, “hey honey, I am with you no matter what,” and breathe out. May you feel love, peace and comfort with every breath you take.

    Big hugs.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2023.

  • Phases of life: micro versus macro

    A close up image of delicate purple flowers with a yellow center.
    When I am in a micro stage of life, I focus on what’s closest to me in greater detail and I don’t have as much energy for the bigger perspective or activities
    A field of purple flowers, with lots of sky, slightly out of focus
    When I am in a macro stage of life, my focus is much broader and I can see the bigger picture and I have more energy to explore

    I am working towards getting a PhD in Being Me, and that means learning about myself, noticing what I am feeling, and adjusting as necessary.

    Lately, I have really started to understand that I go through phases where I have a micro or a macro focus. I used some images above to try to illustrate my experiences in both phases. I will also elaborate with some examples.

    Currently, I am in a major micro phase. I work each day and beyond that, I really only want to focus on taking care of my mind, heart, body and energy, and taking care of my family and home. I have tried using social media, but it’s like I have an aversion to it. More likely though, I am being called inward, and as a result, my focus is much more narrow, or micro (small). In the past, I might have thought there was something wrong with me, but now I can feel the call inward and the narrowing of my focus, and I honor it. I am smiling as I type this, it feels good to be getting to know myself more. It also feels good to notice my ever evolving experience of life. I had thought that staying steady was the hallmark of success as a human. I was so wrong, hence my smiling as I write this.

    This summer, I was in a macro phase. I was excited about my new job, the project proposal I was working on, and the feeling of being able to swim a bit more than last summer. My chronic fatigue syndrome symptoms weren’t as strong and I loved being in the cool river water. I spent time with family and friends, and I could feel the future I dream about where I am a self help author and speaker. It was lovely. Partway through September, I started feeling the inward pull and the need for quiet and simplicity. Isn’t that beautiful? Neither phase is better than the other, they are equally valid ways of experiencing life.

    Sigh…..deep breath…..relief. No self-judgement, just glorious space to be exactly as I am, exactly as you are.

    Where are you in your life? Do you experience similar phases to mine or different ones? No matter how you are experiencing life right now, may you be blessed with peace, compassion, love and inner harmony.

    With love ❤️, Bradlee

    Ps, I listened to this song on repeat while writing this post. It is absolutely gorgeous. May we all be blessed to hold ourselves, no matter what we are living through.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Snails are slow, and sometimes, so am I

    A close up image of a snail, with its two antenna extended and its shell in the background.
    Snails are so cute, they make me smile

    I love snails. I often pick them up off the road and place them on the plants on the side of the road. I love watching how slowly and deliberately they move along a plant or the ground. They bring their homes wherever they go, and they seem to enjoy taking their time to get where they are going.

    When I walk the dogs and I come across a group of snails, I always want to stop and just watch them. For such little, slow-moving creatures, they have such an ability to inspire and bring joy. They remind me that even though I move slowly with chronic fatigue sometimes, I can still inspire and bring joy.

    A snail’s life is no less important than a fast cheetah’s, so it makes me wonder why I have put so much pressure on myself to get better and be faster than I am now. I have learned so much from having chronic fatigue syndrome. I am now more effective, efficient, and productive, and I excel at resting and paying attention to my precious body’s cues. Because I have limited energy, I use what I have wisely and only on tasks that matter to me and have high value.

    I love how the cute little snails on my road gave me such an opportunity to validate and appreciate myself, even on days where I move slower than a snail.

    No matter what pace you can go in your daily life, or how far you go, may you know that your life and you matter and are perfectly valid. Big hugs and thanks for reading.

    A snail with a striped shell on a yellow flower
    You matter, no matter how fast or slowly you move through life

  • A balm for your soul – a story post

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    A balm for your soul – a story post
    May Nature's beauty be a balm for your soul 💖.

  • Give yourself time

    Picture of author smiling with hearts and rainbow stickers.
    A big smile from my healing heart to yours

    I have been so hard on myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome, for being anxious, for not being good enough, for having cellulite, for not “getting better” fast enough and for so many other reasons.

    You know what though? I am more than good enough and my journey through life is amazingly valid. Today, my heart said, “give yourself time and be proud of everything you are healing, overcoming and learning through your challenges and feelings. “

    My heart asked me to share its messages with you too. Please give yourself time and grace. You are so worthy of receiving that, even if you don’t know how to give that to yourself. You are precious and you matter 💖.

    If it hurts to read that because you don’t feel able or worthy of receiving it, you are super precious and you matter. I used to not believe those words, and I definitely didn’t know how to say kind things to myself. I learned how to do that in 2015, and it gets easier every day…please give yourself time to learn to love and honor yourself.

    By giving ourselves time, instead of keeping ourselves in a pressure cooker, we learn that we are valid. We learn that our worth is not determined by our circumstances or how quickly or slowly we heal or learn to love ourselves.

    Let’s give ourselves time to learn how to be with ourselves while we do hard things. Let’s give ourselves time to honor our pain, joy, anger and sadness. Let’s give ourselves time to get to know our bodies and what they need from us. Let’s give ourselves time to be fully us and to reclaim any banished parts of ourselves.

    This isn’t a race and there are no prizes. The rewards are huge though; being able to love yourself, being able to connect to the needs of your body, heart, mind and soul, and more.

    If you’re interested, this is the video that sparked a love revolution within me: https://youtu.be/ZjwTW-sjIto

    Big hugs and take all the time you need!

    Xoxoxo

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Say yes to vulnerability

    Bradlee and her dog Archie, facing each other on the couch and touching heads.
    Me and sweetie Archie sharing a vulnerable and tender moment. He is so precious!

    Introduction

    When I wrote this short but powerful poem, I knew the concepts, but was learning to really know them, deep in my bones. A few years later, I can see how far I have come and I am proud of myself. It is not easy to unlearn the ways of the world or one’s conditioning, nor is it easy to be super vulnerable, open and honest. What I have discovered though, is that it is harder not to be.

    My life was much more difficult when I shoved my emotions down, and when I tried to hide or cover up parts of myself. I have found strength in being vulnerable and in embracing what I had labelled as my weaknesses and not nice parts. May this poem inspire and nurture you. You are lovely just as you are and may you find strength in being all of you, each and every day.

    Say yes to vulnerability – a short poem

    Say yes to vulnerability.

    Say yes to all the ways you thought you shouldn’t be.

    Say yes to being honest.

    Say yes to admitting you are struggling.

    Say yes to choosing love over fear.

    Say yes to peace.

    Say yes to having your walls knocked down.

    Say yes and thank you to the fear that wants to keep you safe.

    Say yes to having your safe-haven opened and exposed.

    Say yes to you;

    all that is waiting for you is you

    and more love than you ever imagined possible.

    You are very worthy of saying yes to.

    xoxoxoxoxo

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Resting to reset – anxiety story

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    Resting to reset – anxiety story

  • Different isn’t wrong

    It is very easy as a sensitive, empathic person to think that I am doing something wrong. It happens usually when someone does something differently than me. It is very sad that I automatically assume that I am doing something wrong. Thankfully, I have been learning to nurture myself so that I can embrace the little me who doubts herself and doesn’t think she’s good enough.

    I recently had an experience where I was excited to share something new I tried. One of the responses I received very quickly made me feel like I had done it wrong, even though it had turned out pretty well. The two photos below show how I felt at first (doubting myself, unsure, concerned), and then how I responded a few seconds later (loving and validating myself).

    Bradlee with a look on her face like, "the way I did it wasn't good enough"
    Bradlee with a loving look on her face with a caption saying "your way is very valid honey, it's just different."

    How do you feel when you do something that is different than others? Do you judge yourself? Second guess yourself? Wish you could disappear because you can’t seem to get it right? I am with you. I lived like that for so many years and it is still my default response. Thankfully, I can stop myself, know that I am valid just as I am, and continue on. I still get shaken and I still doubt myself sometimes, but I’m miles from where I once was.

    I learned how to love and compliment myself from Matt Kahn. If you haven’t checked him out, I encourage you to. He is so compassionate, caring, wise and loving. I learned that sensitive, empathic people really need to learn to give love to themselves, because they are generally very good at giving it to others. He teaches about giving yourself compliments and acknowledging the good you do each day. I started doing that in 2015 and it has been a very transformative process. It is very easy to berate and judge yourself, but giving yourself a compliment can be hard, but super, super rewarding.

    For example, I might say, “You know honey, there are lots of ways to do [insert task]. I loved how you tried something new and it turned out. Maybe you just invented a new way of doing things.” Or I might say, “Things are starting to feel hard this evening. You’ve done so well today, how about you take a rest?” Those are little ways I show up for myself now and it has created a buffer that helps me deal with negativity, judgement or different ways of doing things.

    You’re doing great. Even if you feel terrible or things are going terribly, you are still wonderful. You are so worthy of love, compliments, care and attention. I honor you and your uniqueness and you are so much more than your circumstances. No matter what, may you know that you are still valid, even if you do things differently than others. I send you big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Being here

    Being here

    Introduction

    This poem is a follow up to a few of my recent posts (Choosing consciously, and Being while doing) about living more consciously and being aware of my life as I’m living it. This has been one of my goals for several years now and I seem to go through times where this is easy and times when I live in a fog. May this poem inspire you and call to your deepest self so you may be your own best companion and witness. May we all take a moment to love and nurture our hearts, bodies, minds, and souls. Big hugs!!

    Being here – a poem

    When my feet hit the ground, I want to be there.

    When my nose inhales the smell of spring, I want to be there.

    When my head turns to better hear and see the birds singing their joyous songs, I want to be there.

    When my hand holds my dog’s leash and I am taking her for a walk, I want to be there.

    When I look into my child’s eyes and see the beauty of their soul shining out, I want to be there.

    When my husband kisses me, I want to be there, in my lips and in my body, to feel his tenderness and his love for me.

    When my body aches, I want to be there.

    When the sun shines and it soothes my soul, I want to be there to feel it, breathe it in and be nourished by it.

    It is so easy to be outside of ourselves.  It is so easy to be lost in thoughts, swirling in a maze and whirlwind, right outside of our heads, lost in a vortex that never stops.

    I want to feel the vortex and let the majesty, beauty and pain within life pull me back to me.  I want to be an active participant in my life.  I want to be here no matter what is going on. 

    I want to be with my teeth as they chew my food.

    I want to be with my digestive system as it takes what it needs from the food and lets the rest pass through.

    I want to be with my nervous system as I navigate through life, one deep breath at a time.

    I want to be with my eyes as they witness both incredible cruelty and magnificent beauty. 

    I want to be with my ears as they hear songs of love and words of hatred.

    I want to be with my body as the desire to dance wells up from my belly and makes me get up.

    I want to be here, with myself, with each experience. 

    Always.  Now. Forever. 

    Being here. 

    Being there, wherever I am.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved