Me and sweetie Archie sharing a vulnerable and tender moment. He is so precious!
Introduction
When I wrote this short but powerful poem, I knew the concepts, but was learning to really know them, deep in my bones. A few years later, I can see how far I have come and I am proud of myself. It is not easy to unlearn the ways of the world or one’s conditioning, nor is it easy to be super vulnerable, open and honest. What I have discovered though, is that it is harder not to be.
My life was much more difficult when I shoved my emotions down, and when I tried to hide or cover up parts of myself. I have found strength in being vulnerable and in embracing what I had labelled as my weaknesses and not nice parts. May this poem inspire and nurture you. You are lovely just as you are and may you find strength in being all of you, each and every day.
Say yes to vulnerability – a short poem
Say yes to vulnerability.
Say yes to all the ways you thought you shouldn’t be.
Say yes to being honest.
Say yes to admitting you are struggling.
Say yes to choosing love over fear.
Say yes to peace.
Say yes to having your walls knocked down.
Say yes and thank you to the fear that wants to keep you safe.
Say yes to having your safe-haven opened and exposed.
Creating this whirlpool of dissolving sugar seemed like the perfect image for this post and poem. Once the sugar is dissolved, it’s perfect for hummingbirds, but before that, it is two separate ingredients. May your dissolving and integrating be gentle and wonderful.
Introduction
I wrote Dissolving in 2017, and it helped me understand what I was and still am going through. It describes that unconscious and insatiable hunger that is rampant in the undercurrents of our society. Writing this gave me the idea to be more patient, loving, and accepting of this aspect of myself and humanity. May we all be empowered to love and honor what is dissolving in our world to create space for all the beauty and heart-centered consciousness that is emerging.
Dissolving – a poem
There is a part of me that never needs to be fed by anything as it is complete, whole and self-nourishing. However, the part of me that feeds off of drama, junk food, competition, hate, anger, rage, despair, overwhelm, panic and sadness is present. It is showing me it is present. It is wanting me to feed it endlessly ceaselessly and without any regard to conscious action.
I see you. I feel you. I know your hunger. I cannot feed you in the way that you want, crave or need. I am waking up and you are hungry. I know you will never be satisfied, that you will always crave, reach, pull, grab and hang on. I don’t know what to do for you, except to be your witness, the witness to what drives humanity to be inhuman, the witness to the cause of the suffering of all beings, the cause of the competition, greed and destruction that is now ready to be revealed; ready to be loved nurtured witnessed and dissolved through compassion, separation and merging with the wholeness within.
May your dissolving be gentle, peaceful and loving. May I have the courage to be your witness no matter how fiercely you crave, hunger or hold on. I love you and I am here, separating from you witnessing you loving you as your journey comes to this point of completion. Thank you.
May all beings be blessed with the courage clarity and awareness to separate from the hunger and merge with the one who never hungers. May the homecoming of the one who hungers be glorious.
No matter what’s going on within or around you, may you know how much you are loved.
This poem is a follow up to a few of my recent posts (Choosing consciously, and Being while doing) about living more consciously and being aware of my life as I’m living it. This has been one of my goals for several years now and I seem to go through times where this is easy and times when I live in a fog. May this poem inspire you and call to your deepest self so you may be your own best companion and witness. May we all take a moment to love and nurture our hearts, bodies, minds, and souls. Big hugs!!
Being here – a poem
When my feet hit the ground, I want to be there.
When my nose inhales the smell of spring, I want to be there.
When my head turns to better hear and see the birds singing their joyous songs, I want to be there.
When my hand holds my dog’s leash and I am taking her for a walk, I want to be there.
When I look into my child’s eyes and see the beauty of their soul shining out, I want to be there.
When my husband kisses me, I want to be there, in my lips and in my body, to feel his tenderness and his love for me.
When my body aches, I want to be there.
When the sun shines and it soothes my soul, I want to be there to feel it, breathe it in and be nourished by it.
It is so easy to be outside of ourselves. It is so easy to be lost in thoughts, swirling in a maze and whirlwind, right outside of our heads, lost in a vortex that never stops.
I want to feel the vortex and let the majesty, beauty and pain within life pull me back to me. I want to be an active participant in my life. I want to be here no matter what is going on.
I want to be with my teeth as they chew my food.
I want to be with my digestive system as it takes what it needs from the food and lets the rest pass through.
I want to be with my nervous system as I navigate through life, one deep breath at a time.
I want to be with my eyes as they witness both incredible cruelty and magnificent beauty.
I want to be with my ears as they hear songs of love and words of hatred.
I want to be with my body as the desire to dance wells up from my belly and makes me get up.
I want to be here, with myself, with each experience.
A note: This poem is a follow up to the post I published the other day about living with presence and bringing more of my care, attention and awareness to life. I have cycled through being more conscious and present in my life and I am coming alive to my life once again. No matter where you are on your journey of mindfulness and presence, I wish you well and may you show yourself compassion. Big hugs!
Choosing consciously – a poem
If I do something and
feel like I don’t have a choice,
I will be drained, hopeless and exhausted.
If I do that same something
but bring myself to the task
and choose to do it
because I want to,
I am no longer choiceless.
If I know that taking the garbage out
and washing the pots are the last thing I want to do,
but I do them anyway,
I age, decay and slowly die inside.
If I recognize that I don’t
want to do those tasks and
be gentle and caring with myself,
instead of forcing my way on,
I blossom, heal and nourish myself.
It is a very subtle distinction,
but I do believe it is
the key to ending cycles of abuse,
by using our free will even where
it seems like we don’t have any.
May we all find the little ways in which we can liberate
I wrote this poem in January 2019. I was going through a tough time with my mental and physical health, and there were several other challenges in my personal and professional life. I was learning so much about being an empath and how to thrive despite everything I was feeling. I definitely didn’t feel like I was thriving, but this poem showed my dedication to figuring it out, which makes my heart smile.
Reading this poem reminds me how much more complex life is for people who feel deeply and who are empaths. It also reminds me how courageous the most sensitive of souls are each day, and it gives me hope for transforming our planet with light, love and sensitivity. Big hugs!
That cynical edge
I have been trying so hard not to become cynical.
I have railed against the cynicism, doubts and anger that have filled my world and
I have done my best to push it away.
It has slowly crept up on me, climbing up my legs, and weaving itself
around me, stealthily and purposefully and it has me around the neck.
It is choking me and infecting my brain and soul.
I no longer trust in the good of all.
I no longer know what I trust in.
I am a stupid leaf being blown by the wind and now I’ve once again
landed in the cesspool of humanity’s pain.
Why do I keep ending up here?
I hate it here.
I get it.
We are suffering, we have suffered, it seems like we will keep suffering.
How is it helping me to be a little leaf blowing from circumstance to circumstance?
How it is that I am getting deeper and deeper into the cesspool when there is so much good in my life?
What steps can I take to trust in the good once again?
What do I need in order to trust in the good once again?
How many hugs am I feeling like I missed out on?
How many kind words am I longing to hear?
How many times do I need to be acknowledged and witnessed until I can once again trust the good in all, including in myself?
How is it that my self-worth is still tied up in receiving those things?
What might I need to break all the cycles of abuse, within and without, so that trust and love may rise up again within me as the default operating system?
What was that dream teaching me when I was a little girl?
What was it teaching me to see Mother Mary alone in a big and empty hospital waiting room? She was alone and scared and she was about to give birth to Jesus, but she was so alone. I had that dream several times and I’ve never forgotten it. How may I assist myself and our planet in healing, transforming and resolving the extreme loneliness that has led to the creation and deepening of the cesspool of humanity’s exceptionally exquisite pain that seems ready to burst in every aspect of our planet?
How may I transition from being the pain and not trusting anything to being the one to bring light to the cesspool for the wellbeing of all?
May the guidance come from within my great big heart and may it come quickly and effortlessly to help me with my mission.
I know I’ll never drown in the cesspool, but it’s time to transform it.
May it be transformed into the golden waters of Heaven where all may come to be nourished, healed, blessed and transformed instead of where people come to commiserate with others in the pain and darkness of their everyday existence.
I wrote this poem on February 14, 2019. I remember those days of missing myself, and I still sometimes feel that, although it has a different feeling lately. Like I’ve been missing only certain parts of me that I’m still reclaiming, like my power. I am sharing it with the hope that it inspires anyone else who is missing themselves. Big hugs!
Missing myself – a poem
I feel like I’ve been missing myself.
Just this morning, I have been crying, aware that I have missed me.
I have been so caught up trying to survive and make it through in the past few months that I have been missing myself.
It is a good feeling in a way, because it means I’ve noticed and it is time to figure out how to spend more time with me, instead of rushing around all the time, trying to make things right outside of me and for other people.
Imagine how weird that is…I am right here, but yet I have missed myself.
There is a massive depth to me and when I am in survival mode, I am only living from the surface of me.
My depths are crying out for me to return to them, to bring the depths up to the surface so that I may exist in a more whole and complete way and as a result, I may bring more blessings, health and abundance to myself and to all of those I interact with.
Here I am, vulnerable and raw, sinking into the depths of me, while they rise to meet me.
What a holy day.
Interestingly enough, it is Valentine’s Day today. May I be reunited with all that I am, in a true sacred union that needs no flowers, chocolates or cards.
I remember it Walking through life empty A shell of myself With no hope for life to be any different
I remember the terrible loneliness The sense that everyone else had it figured out but me The longing to have a purpose and an existence greater than the numbness But thinking that was reserved for others
I have felt this numb emptiness many times in my life and it is back for a visit
It reminds me of how hard everything can be And how hopeless I am an outsider in my own life and everyone is looking in and seeing me So desperately alone and lost But continuing their lives with full, happy hearts
This numbness is like a little baby bird that fell out of the nest instead of launching itself into flight, ready for life
This numbness reminds me that a part of me is in desperate need of being loved, witnessed and seen, just as it is.
This numbness is calling to me asking me for validation instead of burying it deeper, while I focus on my to do list
This numbness is my innocence crying out to me about how lost and shattered it is, asking me, begging me to stop, to breathe. To reach down tenderly and caress it and coddle it before bringing it to the cozy nest in my heart.
Thank you dear precious numbness. Thank you for reminding me how long it’s been since we have connected. Thank you for reminding me how hard life is when you take the lead and I haven’t nurtured you to a loving, hand holding place by my side.
Thank you numbness for reminding me that our world is rapidly changing, shattering and breaking down so we can all learn to walk hand in hand with our pain, numbness, innocence and vulnerability. Thank you precious numbness. I love you.
Note from Bradlee: I felt so much better after writing this. One of my goals is to write about the things we don’t often talk about. There is a freedom in doing that and it is my honor to share so deeply about my experience of life. I think there are times when we all feel numb, worthless, scared, ashamed, etc., and I don’t think we can avoid those times. I believe it’s more about what we do when we feel like that. This writing is my way of comforting and acknowledging my numbness. May it lighten the load of numbness and pain for all. Thank you for reading.
Here I am, feeling fabulous after getting my hair done in December 2023
To be human.
What is it really?
Is it to be perfect, to have everything organized and controlled?
Or it is about acknowledging that life gets messy and choosing gratitude anyway?
Is it about having everything society tells me I should have?
Or is it about making the best with what I’ve got and dreaming big anyway?
Is it about doing what everyone else is doing and what they expect of me?
Or it is about following my intuition and my heart’s song regardless of how others choose to live their lives?
The older I get, the less I want to be any way other than exactly how I am.
Even when I don’t always like how I am.
I don’t always like having chronic fatigue syndrome and having to budget my energy and my time. I don’t like having to decline so many lovely invitations from people I care about.
I don’t always like how sensitive and anxious I am, especially when I get tired, which is often.
I don’t always like having to work because it uses so much of my energy and so little of my heart’s desires.
But I do like everything these aspects of my life have taught me.
To own who I am, from the inside out.
To know that I have tremendous worth even if I am super tired most days. My fatigue has taught me how to love and accept myself in ways I never dreamed possible. It inspired the idea of getting a Phd in Being Me, and made me want to share everything I’ve learned and continue to learn with others.
To know that I am worthy of love and nurturing when I am sensitive and anxious, instead of just wishing I was “stronger”. My sensitivity is my greatest gift and what allows me to write these posts and dream of becoming a motivational speaker and self-help author.
To know that I can let my heart sing at a job I only like, not love, because its song is so beautiful and it nurtures me. My job and its environment have inspired to live my life as authentically as possible, and to rest and care for myself when my environment tries to stifle my heart’s song.
I’ll take it and I’m choosing to make the best of my life. May we all be blessed with empowerment, inspiration, prosperity and abundance to live our best lives and inspire others as we do it, no matter how messy or imperfect our lives or we may be.
With so much love,
Bradlee
Here I am, writing this post, on a super tired day! To be human, it’s the good, the bad and everything in between!
I wrote this poem in May 2021. I remember sitting and talking to someone as these realizations hit me and I knew I was witnessing my own destruction. I remember writing this and feeling soothed and knowing that I was okay, even as I was being destroyed. I remember knowing that everything, including me, was much more complex, deep and beautiful than I could ever understand and that it was okay that I didn’t understand.
I share this poem from my heart to yours. xoxoxoxo
Destroyed – a poem
Well, here I am.
I have built my life on trying to be a certain way so that I could avoid hurt and pain
And so I could avoid causing hurt and pain to others.
I have exhausted and controlled myself to achieve this and yesterday,
I was destroyed.
I was blown open.
Despite all of my efforts, things are still a mess.
I am still causing hurt and pain
And people will be as they will be.
I get it now.
I am not in charge.
I am not the boss.
I am the destroyed one who thought she could be in charge and who could be the boss.
I see now that I am broken and the only option I have now
Is to have faith and trust in my life’s purpose
That only the universe is the boss of.
I am done.
I am destroyed.
I am broken
And that is exactly the way I should be or I guess it wouldn’t have come to this.
Matt Kahn has this beautiful quote that goes something like this, “in order for me to become who I am destined to become, life couldn’t have happened any other way.”
So here I am, after what feels like lifetimes of trying, atoning, overcoming, exhaustion and panic,
And I am broken open and destroyed, so that must be what was meant to be.
The next steps are to be broken and destroyed and be open to all the inspiration, healing and clarity that surely has more room to do it’s magic.
One moment at a time, I will sit with myself, I will live my life,
And be, not try.
I can envision myself being so vulnerable, so open, so constant and yet in flux,
Which I guess is exactly what a human life is.
Constant, yet in flux.
Broken, yet healed.
Loving, yet with hateful thoughts.
It’s funny because as I write this, I see that I’m not destroyed,
It’s everything that I have thought I am that’s been destroyed and
What is left is me, sitting here within myself,
Naked,
Reborn
and freed.
With every breath I take, may I embrace the destruction of the constructs I thought I was and may the deeper me have more room to emerge.
May the broken concepts and constructs of me continue to dissolve with my utmost admiration, appreciation and respect for the journey we have gone through together
And may my sweet heart and body know I adore them no matter what and that I am here,
PhD in Being Me 