PhD in Being Me

Category: Poetry

  • Hard times

    A moss covered path through the woods
    A beautiful, safe and enclosed path through the forest in my backyard

    Things have been tough for me lately.  Over the past few months, I have been learning more about trauma, the major impact it’s had on me, and how it is the root of so much of my struggles.

    I have been at low points in my life, but none have felt quite so low as what I felt a few weeks ago.  In an attempt to process and understand my feelings, I wrote these words:

    I am here, learning anew how to hold space for my most vulnerable, broken, victimized and traumatized parts.

    I am here, learning to hold deeper and more compassionate space for the parts of me who have been dragged through life, so terrified of the wounds being created and the deep hurt and fear that stays behind.

    I am here, picking myself up, untying the knots that have kept me bound and frozen, unable to stand and claim my safety.

    I am here, learning to become the safety and presence I have so deeply needed and desired.

    I am here, feeling broken and exhausted, but hopeful for my emergence as all I have ever needed.

    I am here, breathing and smiling, it feels lovely to even dream of finally starting to feel more safe, held and supported, within and outside of me.

    I am here, writing this to show myself how much I matter.

    I am here.

    A lot of my writing has the words, “I am here.”  I think that is because no matter how hard things may be, at least I can still be here with myself.  When I was younger, I didn’t know how to do that, and I spent quite a bit of time numb and disassociated from my experience.

    Learning how to be present through my feelings is a very positive and courageous change, even though it’s uncomfortable and I’d sometimes rather run away.  Instead, I am writing, putting my hand on my heart and saying nice things to myself, and getting support.  No matter what you are going through, I hope you have all the support within and around you to ease your struggles.

    I will end this post by sharing another photo from the forest on the land where I live.  May it soothe your soul.  With so much kindness and care, thanks for reading!

    Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Reaching across

    A rocky, grass covered canyon


    I am reaching

    Reaching across my inner divide
    To the one who feels so unsafe and so unloved
    But I see I have been reaching in the wrong direction

    I have been doing so much to control my environment to keep myself safe
    And I have been talking nicely and kindly to myself
    But in this moment, I see how it’s almost like I was aiming at the wrong target.
    Or maybe not, maybe the target has moved and the cry of my innocence has finally reached my awareness.

    Oh my dearest innocence, I love you.
    I am so exhausted trying to reach across this chasm within me to protect you.  I must be going about this in all the wrong ways.  I have been trying to get self-love and self care ‘right’ lately, and I am utterly spent, and I feel no closer to loving and honouring you.

    Maybe I will sit here, within myself and just listen, be present and stop trying.  Just sit.  Just be.  Just listen.  Just stop.

    Note: I have had a difficult time the last several weeks.  I wrote this on one of my tough days, and I love it.  I love how tired I was of trying to make myself feel good, safe and loved, and how that led me to just be with myself.  I have a fixer/manager/protector part of myself, which I super respect, but what I needed in this instance was to hold space for myself. Not to fix, manage or protect but to be with myself.  I wish you so much love as you navigate any tough days or weeks or months or years.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Deeper

    A photo taken from under the surface of the ocean, with the sun shining through.

    Deeper – A self-care poem


    Sometimes I catch myself trying to accomplish something when I’m feeling
    lost
    sad
    confused or
    overwhelmed.

    Most of the time, the temporary high I get from accomplishing something is very fleeting and
    leads me to want to accomplish something else.

    I honestly had no idea that I was running away from myself when I was doing this
    but now it seems very clear.

    Sometimes accomplishing something gives me a fresh perspective and a chance to feel
    empowered so I can better nurture and honour myself.
    But other times, I’ve been leaving myself behind.

    As I’m writing this, I’m practicing not judging myself, and even loving the one within me who is judging
    and the one who feels judged.  I am growing and evolving and I really can’t know everything all at once.

    And so, here’s to me.  The one who has tried so hard to “manage” these difficult feelings and the one who has been feeling lost, sad, confused or overwhelmed and has had to accompany me
    in pursuit of accomplishment over self-nurturing behaviors.

    No matter where you are in your self-love and self-care experience of life,
    may you be inspired for how best to love and care for your sweetie self and to be kind to yourself when you realize how you can be doing better going forward.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • When I write – a poem

    A sunset from my backyard

    When I write


    Sometimes, when I write, the wisest and steadiest parts of me have something to share
    And it uplifts and inspires me.

    Other times, the most traumatized and fractured parts of me
    Have something to say
    And it’s painful
    Difficult
    And hard
    But what they share is no less wise.
    In fact, those feelings help me learn how to more deeply love myself
    And hold space for myself.
    Hmm, I don’t think I had recognized it like that before.

    Today, I feel them both
    And I am writing and creating space for them both to be here.
    To share with me.
    To enlighten me.
    And to communicate their needs and wisdom.

    And somehow, even though I’m just typing, I feel better.
    I feel like I’m being with myself instead of distracting or abandoning myself through busyness.


    I’m smiling because I’ve finally realized that my traumatized parts are no less wise.
    They are incredibly precious and beautiful
    And they teach me how to care for and nurture the parts of me that have fractured off as a way to survive.
    How truly inspiring.  I had it all backwards.

    I’ve been learning a lot about trauma in the past six weeks and it is helping me make sense
    Of all that I’ve been feeling and experiencing in my life,
    Especially in the last 10 years.
    I’m so grateful for what I’m learning as it’s helping me to heal and reunite with myself more deeply.

    Thank you to all of me, you are all my teachers and I love you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved


  • So Beautiful – a poem

    A double rainbow against a cloudy sky
    A double rainbow against a cloudy sky
    So Beautiful

     
    This dance of pain, exhaustion, joy and love
    Is so so beautiful

    How could I trade the way I am and the ways I experience life
    When it leads to such depth of feeling?

    The love I feel in my heart for humanity this morning is so precious
    So all encompassing, pure and full of tenderness
    And yet the exhaustion I feel is so painful, difficult and heart wrenching

    All of it is so beautiful

    Only because of the depth of my experiences can there be such beauty
    Such connection with my cells that I feel their fatigue and exhaustion
    Such openness to and awareness of the love that I am, that we all are

    Smile dear one, everything is just as it needs to be
    You don’t need to change or fix yourself or others
    Breathe deeply

    And again

    And again

    There you go.  Put your hand on your heart.

    You are so loved and you are love, no matter how messy, painful, difficult or impossible life is.

    No more comparing to others, no more self-blame, judgement or hate.

    You are so so so beautiful, just as you are.

    A note from me: whether you’re struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome like me, or any other mental or physical health challenges, I see you.  May this poem uplift and validate you, and may you be blessed with so much love. 

    I chose a photo of a double rainbow from a few weeks ago for this post. It is miraculous and spectacular but it is against a cloudy sky.  That same contrast is what helps us feel the highs of life, and the lows. Without the cloudy sky, I may not have noticed that there were two rainbows outside instead of two.  May you receive be aware of and receive the gifts in all of your highs and lows.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Sitting with disappointment – a poem

    A winding path through the dense forest
    Photo by Anton Atanasov on Pexels.com

    Sitting with disappointment

    Here I am.
    Disappointed.

    I know disappointment is a part of life.
    I know that others will disappoint me
    And I will disappoint them.
    It doesn’t make it any easier when I’m feeling disappointed though.

    So here I am.
    Disappointed and writing about it.
    Writing about it helps me to be with my disappointment.
    To keep it company and to let it know
    That it is completely valid and allowed to be here.
    It also allows me to acknowledge that I am a human,
    And those who have brought on these feelings are human too.

    And with that, the sting of the disappointment lessens.
    We all do what we can and if it creates disappointment for us or others
    Then, maybe that’s okay.
    Maybe what’s really needed is to learn how to be with these uncomfortable feelings,
    With the “what if,” or “maybe this is why,” and the “only ifs.”

    To all of those who I have hurt, shamed, disappointed or angered, I am truly sorry.
    For you, and for me, I will sit with this disappointment and hold myself.
    I will honour my feelings and know that a caring smile directed towards my heart can help.
    A deep breath into my belly can help.
    Writing can help.
    And so can keeping myself company and loving each emotion as it arises.

    May you be well.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Welcome into my heart

    A heart made of daisies

    I have a big, caring heart

    I love sharing my heart with others and inviting them in to sit at my heart’s warm hearth

    To rejuvenate, restore, be filled up so I can hold space for them

    This is who I am at my core

    A big, caring, welcoming heart who wants to share her love, compassion, and openness

    I forget this sometimes, and that is when I need more self-care and quiet time to sit with and reconnect with the warmth in my own heart

    I haven’t always known about my heart and it’s incredible openness and generosity

    And now that I do, after many, many years of healing from self-hate and learning to turn inward, all I want is to tend the fire in my heart so I can share it with others

    Welcome into my heart, may it bless you with all you need to be reminded and reconnected with the glory within your own heart and being

    Welcome into my heart, just as you are

    May you be well

    A small red fabric heart held on two open palms

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Trying – a poem

    Trying – a poem

    I am so tired of trying.

    Trying to make life work with a limited amount of energy.

    Trying to make healthy choices so i dont get worse.

    Trying at work, at home and with friends and family, and everywhere else.

    Trying is exhausting.

    Today i surrender to who i am, to my reality and to my limitations. I just can’t keep trying, i need to be exactly as i am.

    I am sorry to those i may disappoint. I can no longer disappoint myself and ignore my needs for the sake of others and their expectations.

    Ahhhh, some relief and space.

    I can only be me, so here i am

    limited, tired and in need of self care.

    I take myself as i am and i hope you can too.

    A note: this poem is for my heart and innocence and for everyone who is trying so hard. I honour you and send you big hugs.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.

  • Inflammation – a poem

    A bonfire with tall, leaping flames

    I feel inflamed

    The linings of my blood vessels, organs, brain and tissues

    Are swollen

    And I feel anger, irritation and sadness flowing through my body

    I want to rage, avoid it and yell

    But in truth, I think it is just here

    Begging to be loved

    Begging to be felt, honored and held with every breath I take

    So much pain

    so much loss

    so much chaos in the world

    And my body is mirroring that and helping me to feel it

    I pause

    I inhale

    and hold sacred space for these feelings

    And exhale and repeat

    And repeat for as long as it takes for these feelings to be acknowledged, seen, heard, felt and loved for the well-being and benefit of all

    A large peace symbol covered with leaves and flowers.
    May peace reign on our planet and in the minds, hearts and souls of all

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

     

  • Bullied – a poem

    A notebook with the words, "stop bullying" with a heart.


    It brings a big smile to my heart to say that I’m sharing this poem below in honour of my friend Niveen.  We just reconnected recently and she inspired me to share this poem. In talking to her, I shared how my poems come to life, and I’d like to share that with you too.


    I’ve always been a sensitive empath who feels emotions really strongly.  I didn’t understand that for the first 30ish years of my life, but now that I know it, it’s been easier to learn what I need to feel good.  Writing out my feelings is a very helpful way for me to process them.  As I’ve mentioned before, I used to just shove those feelings down.  Learning how to feel them, give them space to be felt and to witness them has been a challenge for me, but a true gift because I know my feelings now.  They aren’t as scary as they used to be because they know I’ll take the time to feel them, get to know them and hold space for them.  Hmmm, I didn’t even realize I felt that way until I wrote it just now. Thanks Niveen!

     
    Usually I know I am feeling some big feelings because I feel an inner pressure, like how it must be inside of a volcano for weeks before it erupts.  I do my best to pay attention to that feeling.  Sometimes I talk gently to myself when I feel like that, and other times, I just get in front of the computer and let the feelings do all the talking through my fingers.  I sometimes cry or rage while I’m typing and I feel the pressure releasing the more I type.  I’m always amazed that the feelings seem to resolve themselves by the end of the poem.  There is also a pattern that I’ve noticed; by giving my feelings space and validity, then it frees up my inner wisdom to come forward and guide me with loving words to a conclusion.  If you’ve read a few of my poems, you’ll notice that they often have a loving, peaceful resolution at the end.  Every time I write, it’s like I’m learning to be my own best friend and supporter from the inside out.  That is truly what getting a PhD in Being Me is about.  Not trying to do what others do, but connecting so deeply into what works best for each of us.


    And now, here is my poem, Bullied.  I have felt this way at so many times in my life.  With each time, I find more courage, strength and inner fire to speak up for myself, realize when enough is enough, and find safety.  It is a true honour and privilege for me to be growing through my experiences. 

    May this poem help you and may you know how worthy you are of being respected and accepted for who you are.  Big hugs!



    Bullied – a poem


    Here I am

    Feeling bullied, disrespected and not listened to

    I don’t know how people can be at such odds with one another

    It’s like a cycle of force and struggle and I feel like I am the only one to see it

    What the heck is going on

    Why can’t we all just get along

    Why do I have to do what I’m told or what others expect of me, even if it goes against my values and my thoughts of what is best

    How in the world can I feel good while being put in these situations time and time again?



    I guess it comes down to not being a victim and breathing deeply.

    Knowing that who I am and how I care for me is more important than anything else.

    I don’t think I need to put up with shit, but I also don’t need to get overly involved either.

    It’s so sad, but it seems to be the way to survive and find the light to thrive.

    I’m not sure how to go about this, but I’m going to breathe, acknowledge myself, ask myself to come along and see what happens next.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2023. All Rights Reserved