Poetry – Page 4 – PhD in Being Me

Some things take time – my first poetry book and a new poem

Book cover image. Title of book, "From My Heart to Yours, poems to support you in times of grief, loss and transition." Includes image of a beautiful field with the sky and clouds.

I have been writing poetry for several years now. Writing has helped and guided me through periods of massive personal growth. It has also helped me learn to connect with myself and learn to become an expert in taking care of myself.

I kept my writing in a drawer for quite awhile. When I slowly and shyly started sharing it with others, I started understanding how powerful my words were. And how they contained so much healing and acceptance.

I am so grateful to be able to transform my life experiences into poetry; lately I have been feeling the depth of my poetry’s alchemy. I feel its power to help heal, guide and validate others and I am humbled and grateful. And so, I am sharing the exciting news that I have published my first book of poems about grief, loss and transition. I am donating the proceeds to the Beth Donovan Hospice to thank them for all they did for me after my mom passed unexpectedly in February 2019. It is my hope that it brings peace, comfort and healing to all those who need it 💕. I invite you to learn more here:

Poetry Book

I offer this new poem in honor of you and all the pain, heartache, grief and loss it has included. It is dedicated to my beautiful friend Carla ❤️. She has inspired me to know that no matter how agonizingly slow my personal growth and ability to self-love have seemed, it is okay. Some things take time.

Some things take time

“We don’t judge a fetus in utero for how long it takes until it is ready to be born.
We don’t rush a flower to hurry up and bloom while the petals are still forming.
We don’t expect a toddler to write a PhD thesis or to be able to drive a car.

So why do we rush ourselves through our healing?
Why do we judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at?

Some things take time.
The exact amount of time until they are ready, not because they are slow, doing anything wrong or broken.
But just because that’s the amount of time they need.

If you are frustrated, angry or overwhelmed by the length, depth and breadth of your healing journey, I am with you.
I have felt like this for the last 10 years.
What I woke up this morning with is this,
‘Some things take time.’
I feel like there is so much truth in that.

Maybe if we can be with ourselves and sit in our discomfort and pain, we wouldn’t judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at.
Maybe if our culture didn’t value doing over being, we would all expect a long period of healing in our lives and we would know that some things take time.
Whatever the reasons, what matters is this:
You are valid no matter what is going on in your life.
You matter even if you have been in a tough spot for what feels like 100 years too long.
You are a precious treasure even if you feel as worthless as the gum under a school desk or as gross as poop stuck to a shoe.
You are special even if you have been crying, yelling, grieving, hating or fearing for longer than you ever wanted to.
With each breath you take today and every day, may all cycles of abuse within your life and those around you be completely healed and resolved.
With every judgement, may you love yourself more than ever before.
With every moment you choose to be instead of do, may our societal expectations of value from doing be completely healed and transformed.

Some things take time.
You are worthy of all the time you need.
Breathe in and know, you matter.
Take your time dear one, take your time.”

Thanks for reading. I love and honor you exactly as you are. Some things take time, even publishing poetry books, writing blogs, or having the strength to become an expert in yourself. I super get it and I am with you!

December 6, 2022

Victimhood

Victimhood - a poem

Hello victimized one

Hello to the one who feels like a perpetual victim

Hello to the one who is waiting to be a victim

Hello to the one who can no longer discern between a threat and a strong personality

Hello to the one who senses that there are additional boundaries to put up but doesn’t know what they are or how to find them

Hello to the one who so desperately wants everything to be okay so they don’t have to feel so unsafe

Hello to the one who wants someone from the outside to be our chief validator, someone who can say “you are doing great” and “you are perfect just the way you are”

Someone to say, “it’s okay if you’ve gained weight, it doesn’t make you any less of a person”

Someone to say “I totally see the good you do each day and yes, sometimes life doesn’t seem fair, and I applaud you anyway”

Someone to say “yes, things about your life suck sometimes and things are quite frustrating”

Someone who says “you are valid even if you feel like shit or feel like an angry raging beast”

Someone who says “I am always with you, I am your eternal companion and witness and you are never alone”

Someone who can gently lift up my chin and turn my gaze towards myself, the beautiful, tender, sensitive one that I am, and who says, you don’t have to look any farther than this, you are loved

Hello you

I see you

I honor you

I love you

I love you through your struggles, through your molting, through your fears, through your internal imprisonment

Rise up my dear one, you really are so committed to your life, to yourself and to getting stronger

May you always hear my voice from within, honoring and praising you

May you know that I am always with you, loving you, cheering you on and rooting for you

May you feel and know your power

Note about this poem: I have related to life like a victim for as long as I can remember. This poem was my way of owning that perspective and then finding more strength within me than I knew was there.

To all people who are victims or survivors, I honor you. I see you. I am with you and I love you. May we all rise up and find internal safety and healing. May that safety radiate out from within us to keep us and others safe wherever we walk in our lives.

November 30, 2022

Incubation

Have you ever wondered what self-love even means? Or what it is to self-reflect? I know those questions very well, and my answers to them come through writing and being honest vulnerable with myself.

It is my hope that in sharing this new poem that it inspires you to connect more deeply with the awesomeness you already are. I find the more I connect with myself, the more I am able to answer the questions that arise within me about how to love, care and nurture myself. May you be inspired too 💖.

Incubation

Over the last seven years
I have felt myself slowly dying.
My muscles have been drained of energy
Where it has felt like my life force energy wasn't replenishing and I was running on the fumes of life.
My heart felt encased in rocks and no matter how much I used a chisel, I just never made any progress.
My interactions with others brought up so much pain and lack of safety. There was no place within or outside of myself to seek refuge and peace.
I felt so many of my bodily systems operating at the bare minimum and I could feel myself aging and dying.
I didn't understand why I was going through this process when so many of my dreams had come true...how could I be suffering and stagnating when I had so many blessings in my life?
I don't have the answer to this question.
I just know that I can feel the balance shifting. I feel more joy and fluidity in my muscles.
I am being refueled in my muscles, tissues, organs and cells and it is easier to smile.
I don't feel like I need to hide to seek emotional and physical safety, I feel more ready to be seen.
The shame, anger, overwhelm, sadness and exhaustion are in the background instead of filling my every breath and thought.
I see how I have been stewing in the pot of my life's pain, suffering and trauma and there was no escape. I had to see and feel every ingredient being added to the pot. I had to bear witness to myself as I witnessed my death and crucifixion at the hands of life, only to be reborn and incubating, patiently waiting for me to process, heal, grow, rest and evolve, all while living life in first gear.
Is it wrong that I have needed this time?
No.
Should it have been faster?
No.
Should I have gotten over myself instead of allowing this miraculous but exceptionally difficult time period in my life?
No.
Did I hate, resent, fear and reject myself countless times during this time?
Yes.
What made me stop doing that?
Me giving me permission to feel and be exactly as I am, with openness, transparency and a willingness to be seen at my messiest and weakest and to feel within me that I was worthy despite how I was.
I have been dying and being reborn over and over again. My destruction and incubation are more complete and I feel ready.
Ready for what?
To thrive.
To share
To uplift.
To support and to give love.
To me, to you, to our planet and all of her inhabitants who are slowly dying and being reborn in each moment.
May our deaths and rebirths be miraculous and healing for ourselves and for the well being and evolution of all.
With every breath we take, may we see the beauty in our process of healing no matter how long, exhausting or insufferable it is.
May you be reminded of your worth no matter how good or shitty you feel. May you be held from within and outside of you.

Thanks for reading.

November 27, 2022

Disappointment

Disappointment – a poem

Note from me: I wrote this poem a few months ago and I’d been wondering where I saved it! Well, I found it this morning, and lo and behold, it has a similar feel to the one I published yesterday about Rage. I can feel how much easier it is for me to be with my strong feelings instead of pushing them down like I used to. I am finding so much strength in admitting my feelings, my weaknesses, my chronic fatigue and anxiety. I used to think that being human made me weak, but now I see that owning my humanity through being open and vulnerable, both with myself and others, is a friggin superpower.

Disappointment.

It is flowing through my bones.

It seems to start deep down within me

And it works its way up through my conscious awareness

Until I feel it winding its way around my organs.

It starts squeezing them, choking them off from their energy source.

The disappointment seeps into every aspect of my beingness

And it seems to want to choke me from the inside.

Disappointment.

I want to run away from it but there is nowhere I can hide

Because it is everywhere within me.

I want to drown it and be the one to choke it but I can’t seem to grasp it.

The bitterness of the disappointment echoes everywhere within my body, which

Keep it going and going and going.

Disappointment.

Why?

Why are people so disappointing?

Why is the state of our world like this, so utterly disappointing?

Why can’t we seem to overcome this madness, this unconsciousness?

Either way, I won’t be able to answer these questions,

Because it’s just me and this massive disappointment.

I guess we’d better learn to coexist and hang out together.

……

Hey disappointment….I know you’re here for a reason, an especially good reason.

You are super valid. People are pretty damn disappointing lately.

Wanna watch a movie and eat some pizza together?

Let’s keep each other company while we nurture these strong feelings.

And may they be healed with every moment that I am honest about my experience, for myself, for the disappointed, for the ones causing disappointment and for all.

November 14, 2022

RAGE

RAGE – a poem

Rage.

It burns under my skin.

It fills up my throat and threatens to erupt in screams.

Rage.

It wants me to yell, scream, swear and throw things.

Rage.

It makes me feel powerful enough that I can breathe flames and roar so the whole world can hear me.

Rage.

It is a gift.

It tells me when I need to do something for me and signals when I may be overgiving or forgetting to take care of my own needs.

Rage.

It scares me and empowers me all at once.

Rage.

It gave me the energy and power to re-order my website today instead of being such a victim to my circumstances.

Rage.

It came to me today to say, “hey you chose to make lunch for your family right when you were in the middle of something that you were really enjoying. You can chose you first, your family knows you love them to the farthest reaches of the universe.”

Rage.

My friend. My guide.

A censored part of me that I really want to get to know better.

Rage.

Hey Rage…I want to hang out with you and really get what you’re here to teach me.

Want to be a more welcome and included part of my life, instead of being relegated to the deepest, darkest parts of myself that I never visit?

Do you want to explore together so we can both life in more balanced and healthy and empowered ways?

Ya?

Awesome.

Thanks Rage, you’re the best. I don’t know why it took me so long to get you and to really feel and hear you.

Thanks for waiting for me.

A note from me about this poem: It felt so good to write this. It felt good to acknowledge my rage and to get to know it better the more words I wrote. I really look forward to honoring my feelings of rage more and to make space for me to feel them. Okay, I may also be looking forward to throwing some sticks on my abundantly large property where no one can get hurt. May we all be open to what our emotions, even the unpleasant ones, are here to teach us. Big hugs!

November 13, 2022

Trusting myself

Sometimes I wonder how I got to be 42 and I’m only now deepening my trust in myself. Other times, I understand exactly how I am at this place. The most important point I’d like to make is that it is a huge accomplishment and blessing that I now trust myself. After a lifetime of second guessing myself and looking to others to know what’s in my best interests, I am feeling much more confident.

What does trusting myself look like in every day life? Here are some examples:

following my intuition (my gut) even when people are giving me advice that is contrary to those feelings
knowing that I belong to myself, so that no matter where I go, I will be with myself, I will fit in and I will belong
trusting in my ability to make healthy and wise choices for myself instead of only following advice that is on a blog, in a book, on Facebook or from a friend or family member

Now that I am more connected to who I am (and really, who I’ve always been), I am able to understand how little I trusted or believed in myself. I have been learning to tend the garden of my mind, heart, body and soul, and I am acquiring the skills I need to be my own eternal and precious gardener. I see now that I am the master gardener, even if I sometimes only feel like a beginner or intermediate gardener.

I have committed to making my garden more cared for, tended and weeded. I can see, feel and sense the huge difference these last few years of care have made to my eternal garden. I wrote a poem called The Eternal Gardener for a friend of mine a few years ago. I thought it was for him and about him, but I always had this funny feeling that I was missing the mark. As I’ve been writing this post, I understand that it is really for me, from the deepest part of me to the part of me who forget herself and didn’t know how to trust herself.

I am often humbled by the enormity of the wisdom and light that comes out of my fingertips as I type and from my mouth when I speak, and this is a time for me to truly trust that wisdom and light and acknowledge it in a more grateful and empowered way. This sentence really highlights the whole point of getting a PhD in Being Me and I truly hope that by reading this blog you are more empowered to become an expert if yourself too.

I share this poem with all of you, from the depth of my heart and soul to the depth of yours. With every word you read of this poem, may it help facilitate, nurture and strengthen your trust and connection to the awesomeness you are, and have always been. With so much love, Bradlee.

The Eternal Gardener

I want you to know yourself as I know you;

As the breath that we all breathe,

As the song in the wind,

As the light that warms our planet,

As the balm that heals all wounds.

I want you to know yourself as I see you;

With all of the glory, beauty and purity of

God’s holy name that whispers

in each and every heartbeat.

Your words are like magic as they weave through my being,

neatly and tidily collecting all suffering and carrying it home to Heaven.

You are a gift to all who meet you and I honour you.

I honour that you need time to realize your beauty and divinity

and that it is only my role to notice and compliment your gifts.

It will be up to you to dance your dance,

and to sing your song,

with no judgement,

thought of worthiness or

regard for embarrassment.

I will wait for you and I will be with you,

to love you and encourage you, dearest gardener, as you plant

your own seeds of love.

May you watch them grow

and may you learn how to nourish them

as you so effortlessly do for the souls you encounter.

Take your time, dear gardener and tend your own

precious garden and I will be here to rejoice with you

as you watch the blossoming unfold.

I will be here to shine my sunlight

and offer some drops of my own water,

should you ever need it.

November 10, 2022

Where does my power go?

I am like a thief, carrying around a burgled bag of jewels, only I’m carrying around my power and I’m always scared of being caught holding it.

Why would I be scared of owning and holding my power? Isn’t it mine? Doesn’t it belong to me?

Despite the fact that I am carrying it around, sometimes I seem to lose it and I’m stuck wondering, where did my power go?

Why it is even so separate from me? Why am I carrying it around instead of embodying it? Who first took it and did I give it willingly, thinking it would get me the love I so craved but couldn’t get or give to myself?

In this last week, I watched myself give my power away and then feel ashamed, small and weak while others were trying to help me after I gave them such a valuable, treasured part of me. I wasn’t able to stop myself from giving it away and I got to see the devastating effect it had on me to be without it.

Dearest power, I love you and I’m so sorry for thinking I could barter and give you away in order to be more whole. I want nothing more than to be with you, to live with you, to be full of you, to breathe you in more deeply with every inhalation. I want to hold you close and never let you go because you are a part of me and I need you. Dearest power, I need you, not whatever it is I was trading you for. I don’t ever want to cry the tears of our separation ever again, instead I want to dance in ecstasy with you and revel in the joys of our unification. I want to feel someone asking me to give you away to them and feel so overjoyed that I don’t need to do that anymore, knowing that you and I are forever as one.

Dearest power, I love you and I’m so grateful to be writing this ode to you instead of crying tears over how I’ve given you away yet again.

Dearest power, with every breathe I take, may I make the healthiest and wisest choices to keep us more healed, whole and integrated together than ever before and may we inspire others to do the same.