PhD in Being Me

Tag: awakening

  • Melting

    A tray of ice cubes with flames on top.

    This morning when I woke up, I thought of melting.

    I had an image in my mind of me being in an ice block and how I have been thawing out and melting away those layers of hardness and rigidity that I was aware of but couldn’t just push or wish away.  It appears I needed to deeply feel my pain and the resulting rigidity, and I needed time to process, rest and heal.

    Sometimes in the spring, as everything thaws, I feel very exposed and vulnerable.  This makes sense, as I have been going through a lot of emotional healing and turmoil.  So when I woke up and saw that imagery in my mind of melting ice, I felt great.  It made me feel like I have survived a very delicate and difficult time in my life and that I am emerging from a frozen and in process-type of state.

    As with all feelings, I tend to think it’s going to last forever.  Like when I was so sick a few weeks ago, I was sure I was never going to get better.  And today, I feel reborn and renewed, and I want this feeling to last forever.  I honour that desire, as who wouldn’t want to feel great more often than not?! 

    I believe that’s where I am learning to cultivate more compassion for myself.  Compassion for the one who wants constancy, and good health.  For the one who loves feeling empowered over broken down yet again.  For the one who wants to pre-select aspects of my human experience, as opposed to being open to experiencing it all, no matter if it’s what I would choose or not.

    Wherever you are in your human experience, I honour you, no matter if you’re feeling broken down or uplifted.  I have found new courage and trust in life and in myself this morning, after many years of feeling super delicate, broken and deeply sad.  Maybe the glory of what I am feeling today is in direct proportion to the depth of the pain and difficulty I have experienced?  I don’t really know, but I hope my sharing helps you feel seen, witnessed and cared for, no matter what your inner and outer circumstances of life are.

    With love, Bradlee ♥️

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Welcome into my heart

    A heart made of daisies

    I have a big, caring heart

    I love sharing my heart with others and inviting them in to sit at my heart’s warm hearth

    To rejuvenate, restore, be filled up so I can hold space for them

    This is who I am at my core

    A big, caring, welcoming heart who wants to share her love, compassion, and openness

    I forget this sometimes, and that is when I need more self-care and quiet time to sit with and reconnect with the warmth in my own heart

    I haven’t always known about my heart and it’s incredible openness and generosity

    And now that I do, after many, many years of healing from self-hate and learning to turn inward, all I want is to tend the fire in my heart so I can share it with others

    Welcome into my heart, may it bless you with all you need to be reminded and reconnected with the glory within your own heart and being

    Welcome into my heart, just as you are

    May you be well

    A small red fabric heart held on two open palms

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Empathy is my super power

    A beautiful sunset sky with purple, yellow, pink and orange clouds.

    The other day, I was having a conversation at work, and I said some very wise words that helped me to know that empathy is my superpower.

    We were talking about some people who seem superhuman because they can work 16 hour days for long periods of time. My colleague seemed like they were judging themselves for not being able to do that, and I said something like,

    You have superhuman powers at work even if you don’t work 16 hour days. You bring empathy, compassion, and understanding to your employees, and that is a superpower.

    I could tell it helped my colleague for me to recognize their awesomeness and it sure helped me. It is easy for me to judge myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome and for not having bountiful amounts of energy. It isn’t always easy to remember the wonderful ways that I contribute to the lives of those around me thanks to my empathy, compassion and understanding. I was grateful for a chance to be reminded of that.

    Living with empathy and leading with kindness and compassion are true bad ass ways of living. It is much easier to judge others, push them away or to “other” them. I know that because over the last 20 years I have been unlearning those habits and have been opening up to the wellspring of light, love, care and compassion that were always within me, just waiting to be discovered.

    If you are reading this, I am smiling at you! I am encouraging you and cheering you on! What might your superpower be? Are you up for taking a moment to acknowledge the good you do just by being exactly as you are?

    If you don’t know what your superpower is yet, may you have a joyful time discovering it. May you get a PhD in Being You each and every day as you get to know yourself better.

    I send you big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Inflammation – a poem

    A bonfire with tall, leaping flames

    I feel inflamed

    The linings of my blood vessels, organs, brain and tissues

    Are swollen

    And I feel anger, irritation and sadness flowing through my body

    I want to rage, avoid it and yell

    But in truth, I think it is just here

    Begging to be loved

    Begging to be felt, honored and held with every breath I take

    So much pain

    so much loss

    so much chaos in the world

    And my body is mirroring that and helping me to feel it

    I pause

    I inhale

    and hold sacred space for these feelings

    And exhale and repeat

    And repeat for as long as it takes for these feelings to be acknowledged, seen, heard, felt and loved for the well-being and benefit of all

    A large peace symbol covered with leaves and flowers.
    May peace reign on our planet and in the minds, hearts and souls of all

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

     

  • Life on country roads

    A country road with a beautiful sunset in the background
    A cozy country road where I live with a gorgeous sunset

    Several years ago, I heard a beautiful analogy that really applied to my life: the different types of roads and the speeds allowed on each one to understand the various phases of life.

    Right now, I am traveling on country roads. I can speed up and get on a two lane highway for a short period of time, but then I have to exit, and drive onto the roads with a lower speed limit and no passing allowed.

    As I have written before, having chronic fatigue syndrome has been a huge adjustment for me, and really, it still is. I remember all the super fun and amazing stuff I did when I had more energy. I loved the fast pace of life when I was younger, but I also really craved down time to rest and be by myself. Now, I know how to spend time by myself without feeling lonely, and I love being quiet, resting, and driving on the country roads of my life at a slower speed.

    There are many aspects of life that I have missed now that I am not traveling on the highways of my life, but there are many things I was missing on those roads. Living life at a slower speed and with physical limitations has taught me to truly BE with myself while I live. I have a deeper relationship with myself than I did before; I have learned to trust myself, to know what food and habits are best for me, and how to advocate for myself.

    Exiting the highway and taking the country roads has been a privilege, even though at times it has felt like I got a really bad speeding ticket and haven’t been allowed on the highway 🙃.

    Finding the blessings on the country roads has been awesome. I am so grateful for what these country roads are teaching me. I am a stronger and more compassionate person thanks to my time on these roads. Wherever you are in your life, may your journey be blessed with peace, love, light, and healing, and may you appreciate the view, no matter what speed you live at ❤️❤️.

    Thanks for reading and big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

    A dog sleeping on his back on a couch, completely stretched out!
    This is our dog Archie, he is the master of relaxation sometimes, and super high-energy and playful at other times

  • An empty shell – a poem

    An empty shell – a poem

    I am feeling empty
    Hollow
    I exist only as a shell of myself

    I can feel the need to look for me
    On Facebook, Instagram, in the eyes of another 
    In writing this blog post

    I have been here before
    It is lonely and vacuous
    And nothing I think, do, eat, or consume seems to touch it or fill me back up

    So I rest
    I lie down
    I listen to my self-love playlist
    I close the door and spend time with my shell
    I breathe and watch my belly rise and fall
    I smile because why not
    And  know I will feel better through being kind to myself instead of running away and trying to find me on the outside

    I want to blame others for how I feel
    But I know how I am feeling is no one's fault
    It is a simple signal to stop, breathe, be with myself and pull out of the endless cycle of doing and consuming more

    With every breath I take today,
    May I nourish, rejuvenate, and revitalize all parts of me
    May the echoes of my self-care reach you, no matter where you are or how you feel
    May we all turn inwards to find our peace and ourselves 
    Big hugs and deep beautiful breaths to you
    A short video from my resting self to you!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • A balm for your soul – a story post

    Site icon
    A balm for your soul – a story post
    May Nature's beauty be a balm for your soul 💖.

  • Give yourself time

    Picture of author smiling with hearts and rainbow stickers.
    A big smile from my healing heart to yours

    I have been so hard on myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome, for being anxious, for not being good enough, for having cellulite, for not “getting better” fast enough and for so many other reasons.

    You know what though? I am more than good enough and my journey through life is amazingly valid. Today, my heart said, “give yourself time and be proud of everything you are healing, overcoming and learning through your challenges and feelings. “

    My heart asked me to share its messages with you too. Please give yourself time and grace. You are so worthy of receiving that, even if you don’t know how to give that to yourself. You are precious and you matter 💖.

    If it hurts to read that because you don’t feel able or worthy of receiving it, you are super precious and you matter. I used to not believe those words, and I definitely didn’t know how to say kind things to myself. I learned how to do that in 2015, and it gets easier every day…please give yourself time to learn to love and honor yourself.

    By giving ourselves time, instead of keeping ourselves in a pressure cooker, we learn that we are valid. We learn that our worth is not determined by our circumstances or how quickly or slowly we heal or learn to love ourselves.

    Let’s give ourselves time to learn how to be with ourselves while we do hard things. Let’s give ourselves time to honor our pain, joy, anger and sadness. Let’s give ourselves time to get to know our bodies and what they need from us. Let’s give ourselves time to be fully us and to reclaim any banished parts of ourselves.

    This isn’t a race and there are no prizes. The rewards are huge though; being able to love yourself, being able to connect to the needs of your body, heart, mind and soul, and more.

    If you’re interested, this is the video that sparked a love revolution within me: https://youtu.be/ZjwTW-sjIto

    Big hugs and take all the time you need!

    Xoxoxo

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Dissolving

    A jar of water with a whirlpool of dissolving sugar in the center.
    Creating this whirlpool of dissolving sugar seemed like the perfect image for this post and poem. Once the sugar is dissolved, it’s perfect for hummingbirds, but before that, it is two separate ingredients. May your dissolving and integrating be gentle and wonderful.

    Introduction

    I wrote Dissolving in 2017, and it helped me understand what I was and still am going through. It describes that unconscious and insatiable hunger that is rampant in the undercurrents of our society. Writing this gave me the idea to be more patient, loving, and accepting of this aspect of myself and humanity. May we all be empowered to love and honor what is dissolving in our world to create space for all the beauty and heart-centered consciousness that is emerging.

    Dissolving – a poem

    There is a part of me that never needs to be fed by anything
    as it is complete, whole and self-nourishing.
    However, the part of me that feeds off of drama, junk food,
    competition, hate, anger, rage, despair,
    overwhelm, panic and sadness
    is present.
    It is showing me it is present.
    It is wanting me to feed it
    endlessly
    ceaselessly and
    without any regard to conscious action.

    I see you.
    I feel you.
    I know your hunger.
    I cannot feed you in the way that you want, crave or need.
    I am waking up and you are hungry.
    I know you will never be satisfied, that you will always crave, reach, pull, grab and hang on.
    I don’t know what to do for you, except to be your witness,
    the witness to what drives humanity to be inhuman,
    the witness to the cause of the suffering of all beings,
    the cause of the competition, greed and destruction
    that is now ready to be revealed;
    ready to be loved
    nurtured
    witnessed and
    dissolved
    through compassion, separation and merging with the wholeness within.

    May your dissolving be gentle, peaceful and loving.
    May I have the courage to be your witness
    no matter how fiercely you crave, hunger or hold on.
    I love you and I am here,
    separating from you
    witnessing you
    loving you as your journey comes to this point of completion.
    Thank you.

    May all beings be blessed with the courage
    clarity and awareness to separate from the hunger
    and merge with the one who never hungers.
    May the homecoming of the one who hungers be glorious.

    No matter what’s going on within or around you, may you know how much you are loved.

     © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Building resilience and what does that even mean?

    Building resilience and what does that even mean?

    Orange and yellow clouds against a purple and blue sky. Birds are flying across the sky.
    Learning to fly takes practice, and sometimes going back to our nest is required xoxoxo

    I used to think that I was broken because I can feel things so deeply in my mind, body, soul and heart. I used to think I was not good enough because I was always working on myself.

    In writing on this blog, and reading my beautiful friend Carla’s comments, and the comments of some other fabulous friends on Facebook, I can see that I have been looking at myself all wrong.

    As I’m working on myself and learning to get a PhD in Being Me, I’m not broken. I am damn good enough. What I’m doing is building resilience. I’m not repairing or fixing myself, I am learning to be me, and what I need to do to thrive in this world as me.

    What do you need dearest reader? What can I write about that will help you become more resilient, and to embody more of you? Please share in the comments or on the Contact me page. You matter and I care very much about what I write for you. I invite you to help me meet your needs better by sharing with me!

    Big hugs!

    A 4 minute video about my struggles and how I am building resilience each time I make it through hardship