A note: This poem is a follow up to the post I published the other day about living with presence and bringing more of my care, attention and awareness to life. I have cycled through being more conscious and present in my life and I am coming alive to my life once again. No matter where you are on your journey of mindfulness and presence, I wish you well and may you show yourself compassion. Big hugs!
Choosing consciously – a poem
If I do something and
feel like I don’t have a choice,
I will be drained, hopeless and exhausted.
If I do that same something
but bring myself to the task
and choose to do it
because I want to,
I am no longer choiceless.
If I know that taking the garbage out
and washing the pots are the last thing I want to do,
but I do them anyway,
I age, decay and slowly die inside.
If I recognize that I don’t
want to do those tasks and
be gentle and caring with myself,
instead of forcing my way on,
I blossom, heal and nourish myself.
It is a very subtle distinction,
but I do believe it is
the key to ending cycles of abuse,
by using our free will even where
it seems like we don’t have any.
May we all find the little ways in which we can liberate
A lovely moment when I stopped, took in the beauty of the sunrise and basked in its glory
I really liked the subject of yesterday’s post, remembering the human in all of us (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/07/13/for-the-human-in-all-of-us/). Today, I am taking the concept a bit further by explaining my own troubles with losing myself in doing things.
When I am tired, which is often because I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities. When I am in that place, walking the dogs is not a pleasure, it’s a chore, taking care of the chickens is mechanical and cleaning or washing up feels like I am dragging my body around. It’s a really sad state of affairs, but it’s the honest truth sometimes. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how being miserable while living my life isn’t ideal, in fact it’s just really sad and not what I want.
I’ve decided to start being while doing. What I mean is this: When I check on the chickens, I want to see them, be with them, and honor them and me. It doesn’t mean I’m going to sit with them for an hour and talk to each of them. It more means that I will take the time to look at and be with them while I check on them. Would I like to interact with them when I check on them? Would it bring me joy to stop, bend down, notice the gorgeous reflection of the sun in their feathers, and how soft they feel on my fingertips? I think it’s a simple change, but one that can have a beautiful and miraculous impact for me and those I am interacting with, including the chickens, dogs, my family, co-workers, the plants in my garden and my home while I take care of it.
I have known this for a long time, I’ve written poems about it as a way of teaching myself to be present and mindful and appreciative of my life, even the less enjoyable parts, while I’m living it. What I’m realizing lately is that I had forgotten about it among the various stressors with my health, my family’s health and the state of the world, especially after the covid battle.
How do you feel while reading this post? Do you resonate with what I’m sharing? Would you like to shine more of the light of your beautiful heart and mind on the tasks you do in your life? If so, I invite you to join me. If you don’t know how, I’ll share a bit about what works for me to bring my presence to my life:
I look in the mirror when I’m in the washroom and I make sure I make eye contact with myself. I usually smile too, even if I’m not feeling great that day, just to give myself a little boost and some care, right from me to me.
I try not to rush around doing chores. I make a list and identify the ones I really have to do, and I give myself permission to go at the pace that feels best for me. Playing some great music seems to remind me to enjoy life while doing chores too. Dancing or singing while cleaning reminds me of my humanity.
I remind myself that I am a human being, not a human doing. I take my time when I need to use the washroom, instead of just treating it like a means to an end.
Before I walk the dogs, I take a few deep breaths and remind myself how much I love them. If the walk is stressful, I sing gently to myself or go through what I’m grateful for, or what I wish I could be grateful for (thanks for that tip Matt Kahn!).
I take short breathing breaks throughout the day to give my body more of the vitality that comes from consciously attending to my breath.
Over the next few posts, I’ll share some of my poetry that speaks to this topic. With every breath you take, may you know, feel and sense your beautiful presence and may you feel the majesty and the grace of the light of your own care and attention.
Sometimes my perspective is slightly cloudy and misty. I stop, breathe, and remember my humanity and my vision clears.
Sometimes, I find myself getting very frustrated by how slowly things change in our world. I am constantly reflecting, growing, evolving, and improving the way I relate to myself and the world. I find it hard when things don’t keep up with my expectations.
When I am frustrated and want things to be better, I stop and focus on the human I am interacting with. I remember their humanity. I remember that they have feelings, hopes and dreams, and they are likely doing the best they can. If they can’t meet me where I’m at and I find myself getting frustrated, I can take a deep breath. I can remember that there is a human in front of me who is deserving of love, validation, and acknowledgment. They are there, reminding me of the depth of experience possible that comes from interacting consciously with a person, even if I don’t like what is going on, what they are saying or what I am feeling.
With every interaction I have, may I share love, validation, and respect to all, including myself. May we all remember that we are human, that we all respond well when we aren’t treated as objects but as beautiful beings.
It also helps me to remember that I am a human. I have ups and downs, triggers, emotions, passions, etc. When things aren’t going well in a situation, I breathe and remember that I am human, the people around me are human and we all have basic needs. When I remember this, I can approach a situation from a more heart centered instead of judgemental place.
I see you dear reader, and I hope you know how much I appreciate you taking your time to read this post. May your interactions be blessed with so much care and respect and humanity.
Over the past few days, I have been witnessing and hearing about people being treated as less than. It really bothers me, and I get really angry and want to change our world for the better. I know that hurt people hurt people, but I can’t help but feel like we should all be able to get along.
If you are being mistreated, cast aside, ignored, persecuted, or abused, I stand with you. I am with you, and you are so worthy.
For every time you feel down, please read these words and be reminded that you matter and you are lovely, just as you are.
Our world values numbers, productivity, and profits over people. You are so much more than a human resource and a human doing. You are a beautiful being, and may you know and feel your beauty, truth, and worth, no matter how you are being treated.
May you be blessed with an abundance of support, safety, courage, and strength to leave unhealthy situations.
May you know how worthy you are of being well treated and being in healthy environments with compassionate people.
May we all rise up to live from our inner power so we can create true equity for all.
I stand with you, I honor you, and I am cheering you on.
Me sending you lots of love and saying, “I see you and you are so worthy.”
It really broke my heart to watch her suffering, yet I knew she was teaching me alot. In the video above, I talk about the baby chicks and how they exude innocence and purity. They look at me and I can feel my anger, tension and rigidity melt away.
I have been reflecting on that innocence and purity. We are all born that way, and circumstances in life can lead us to bury or hide that away. I know it was like that for me, and I first really understood what I was missing when I was 35 years old: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/09/05/innocence/
Those precious babies help remind me that we all have that innocence within us, and I want to nurture and protect it in others. I have times when I am upset or tired, and I forget to speak directly to the innocence in others, and I also forget my own. On days when I feel good and I separate out someone’s actions from their innocence, I feel like a superhero. Speaking to someone’s innocence instead of responding to their actions is a true gift.
Today, I am having a hard time with that concept, but I am trying regardless. I am trying to nurture my innocence instead of judging myself for my behavior. Today, I am in need of more love, care, and patience, and I am doing my best to give that to myself. May we all be blessed with an abundance of patience, inspiration, and infinite love to share with the innocence in all hearts, especially our own. Big hugs!
I wrote this poem in January 2019. I was going through a tough time with my mental and physical health, and there were several other challenges in my personal and professional life. I was learning so much about being an empath and how to thrive despite everything I was feeling. I definitely didn’t feel like I was thriving, but this poem showed my dedication to figuring it out, which makes my heart smile.
Reading this poem reminds me how much more complex life is for people who feel deeply and who are empaths. It also reminds me how courageous the most sensitive of souls are each day, and it gives me hope for transforming our planet with light, love and sensitivity. Big hugs!
That cynical edge
I have been trying so hard not to become cynical.
I have railed against the cynicism, doubts and anger that have filled my world and
I have done my best to push it away.
It has slowly crept up on me, climbing up my legs, and weaving itself
around me, stealthily and purposefully and it has me around the neck.
It is choking me and infecting my brain and soul.
I no longer trust in the good of all.
I no longer know what I trust in.
I am a stupid leaf being blown by the wind and now I’ve once again
landed in the cesspool of humanity’s pain.
Why do I keep ending up here?
I hate it here.
I get it.
We are suffering, we have suffered, it seems like we will keep suffering.
How is it helping me to be a little leaf blowing from circumstance to circumstance?
How it is that I am getting deeper and deeper into the cesspool when there is so much good in my life?
What steps can I take to trust in the good once again?
What do I need in order to trust in the good once again?
How many hugs am I feeling like I missed out on?
How many kind words am I longing to hear?
How many times do I need to be acknowledged and witnessed until I can once again trust the good in all, including in myself?
How is it that my self-worth is still tied up in receiving those things?
What might I need to break all the cycles of abuse, within and without, so that trust and love may rise up again within me as the default operating system?
What was that dream teaching me when I was a little girl?
What was it teaching me to see Mother Mary alone in a big and empty hospital waiting room? She was alone and scared and she was about to give birth to Jesus, but she was so alone. I had that dream several times and I’ve never forgotten it. How may I assist myself and our planet in healing, transforming and resolving the extreme loneliness that has led to the creation and deepening of the cesspool of humanity’s exceptionally exquisite pain that seems ready to burst in every aspect of our planet?
How may I transition from being the pain and not trusting anything to being the one to bring light to the cesspool for the wellbeing of all?
May the guidance come from within my great big heart and may it come quickly and effortlessly to help me with my mission.
I know I’ll never drown in the cesspool, but it’s time to transform it.
May it be transformed into the golden waters of Heaven where all may come to be nourished, healed, blessed and transformed instead of where people come to commiserate with others in the pain and darkness of their everyday existence.
I wrote this poem on February 14, 2019. I remember those days of missing myself, and I still sometimes feel that, although it has a different feeling lately. Like I’ve been missing only certain parts of me that I’m still reclaiming, like my power. I am sharing it with the hope that it inspires anyone else who is missing themselves. Big hugs!
Missing myself – a poem
I feel like I’ve been missing myself.
Just this morning, I have been crying, aware that I have missed me.
I have been so caught up trying to survive and make it through in the past few months that I have been missing myself.
It is a good feeling in a way, because it means I’ve noticed and it is time to figure out how to spend more time with me, instead of rushing around all the time, trying to make things right outside of me and for other people.
Imagine how weird that is…I am right here, but yet I have missed myself.
There is a massive depth to me and when I am in survival mode, I am only living from the surface of me.
My depths are crying out for me to return to them, to bring the depths up to the surface so that I may exist in a more whole and complete way and as a result, I may bring more blessings, health and abundance to myself and to all of those I interact with.
Here I am, vulnerable and raw, sinking into the depths of me, while they rise to meet me.
What a holy day.
Interestingly enough, it is Valentine’s Day today. May I be reunited with all that I am, in a true sacred union that needs no flowers, chocolates or cards.
I have heard that around and in my experience it is also true. I also think hurt people hurt the planet by throwing garbage on the side of the road.
I remember many years ago when I believed I was worthless and not precious or a treasure. I remember feeling empty and lost and like I didn’t matter. When I see garbage on the side of the road, I think about how much pain people must be in to do that.
The more I have healed and cultivated love for myself, the more I care for and respect our planet and all her creatures. I wonder if those who throw garbage on the ground do it because they don’t know how to love themselves or they don’t believe they are even loveable. It must be hard to care for the planet from that place.
In my experience of pain and self-hatred, I often acted in self-destructive ways. I think throwing garbage on the road is a big cry for help, as that person isn’t just being self-destructive but destructive of their environment too. In my little country town, I find lots of empty beer cans and cannabis packaging, which seems like an even bigger cry for love, support, help, acknowledgment, and validation.
If you are in a place where you are struggling with self-destructive behaviors or self-hatred, I see you. I am holding you in my heart and surrounding you with love. May you be blessed with an abundance of healing and love.
May every choice you make be healthy. May all of your decisions lead to your healing. May you know how worthy you are no matter how deeply you hurt.
Big hugs from my heart to yours!
We all need more love and support and less judgment
In 2018, I went through several months of exploring my faith. I don’t have a religion, although I was baptized Christian. For many years now, I’ve been learning about God, Creator, the Universe in my own way, and it has felt really important and authentic for me. The text below was really about me trying to make sense of what I was feeling during a very turbulent time, and learning how to have faith in God. This post is in honor of my precious friend, Carla.
When I falter
There are times when I falter. I forget how special and important I am, and I rely on my decision making skills from my past, and I slip back into the fog of unconsciousness. I again wear the cloak of darkness that makes it so it doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal to make choices that aren’t the best for me. I am able to rationalize most anything when I am wearing that cloak. God loves me so much, He makes it easy for me to don the cloak so that I get the pleasure and challenge of finding my way back home to Him, to my Heart, to my healthiest ways of living. It’s like I get a chance to relearn faith each and every time. It is like with each time I can take the cloak off and hang it up on a hanger that is farther and farther away from me.
May I honor that cloak and our Lord as one and the same, as they are both my greatest teachers, and each just teaches me from a different perspective. One is not better than the other and it is time for me to forgive myself for all the times I put on the cloak of darkness and forgot my heart’s song. God was with me, singing the song for me each time I wore the cloak and the reason why it feels so beautiful and free when I take the cloak off is because that is when I sing along with God and remember that I’ve never been alone and that I have a beautiful voice and a very sacred song to sing. Sat Naam.
PhD in Being Me 