PhD in Being Me

Tag: personal growth

  • Victimhood

    Photo by Dmitriy Ganin on Pexels.com
    Victimhood - a poem

Hello victimized one

Hello to the one who feels like a perpetual victim

Hello to the one who is waiting to be a victim

Hello to the one who can no longer discern between a threat and a strong personality

Hello to the one who senses that there are additional boundaries to put up but doesn’t know what they are or how to find them

Hello to the one who so desperately wants everything to be okay so they don’t have to feel so unsafe

Hello to the one who wants someone from the outside to be our chief validator, someone who can say “you are doing great” and “you are perfect just the way you are”

Someone to say, “it’s okay if you’ve gained weight, it doesn’t make you any less of a person”

Someone to say “I totally see the good you do each day and yes, sometimes life doesn’t seem fair, and I applaud you anyway”

Someone to say “yes, things about your life suck sometimes and things are quite frustrating”

Someone who says “you are valid even if you feel like shit or feel like an angry raging beast”

Someone who says “I am always with you, I am your eternal companion and witness and you are never alone”

Someone who can gently lift up my chin and turn my gaze towards myself, the beautiful, tender, sensitive one that I am, and who says, you don’t have to look any farther than this, you are loved

Hello you

I see you

I honor you

I love you

I love you through your struggles, through your molting, through your fears, through your internal imprisonment

Rise up my dear one, you really are so committed to your life, to yourself and to getting stronger

May you always hear my voice from within, honoring and praising you  

May you know that I am always with you, loving you, cheering you on and rooting for you

May you feel and know your power
    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    Note about this poem: I have related to life like a victim for as long as I can remember. This poem was my way of owning that perspective and then finding more strength within me than I knew was there.

    To all people who are victims or survivors, I honor you. I see you. I am with you and I love you. May we all rise up and find internal safety and healing. May that safety radiate out from within us to keep us and others safe wherever we walk in our lives.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Incubation

    Have you ever wondered what self-love even means? Or what it is to self-reflect? I know those questions very well, and my answers to them come through writing and being honest vulnerable with myself.

    It is my hope that in sharing this new poem that it inspires you to connect more deeply with the awesomeness you already are. I find the more I connect with myself, the more I am able to answer the questions that arise within me about how to love, care and nurture myself. May you be inspired too 💖.

    Incubation

    Over the last seven years
    I have felt myself slowly dying.
    My muscles have been drained of energy
    Where it has felt like my life force energy wasn't replenishing and I was running on the fumes of life.
    My heart felt encased in rocks and no matter how much I used a chisel, I just never made any progress.
    My interactions with others brought up so much pain and lack of safety.  There was no place within or outside of myself to seek refuge and peace.
    I felt so many of my bodily systems operating at the bare minimum and I could feel myself aging and dying.
    I didn't understand why I was going through this process when so many of my dreams had come true...how could I be suffering and stagnating when I had so many blessings in my life?
    I don't have the answer to this question.
    I just know that I can feel the balance shifting.  I feel more joy and fluidity in my muscles.
    I am being refueled in my muscles, tissues, organs and cells and it is easier to smile.
    I don't feel like I need to hide to seek emotional and physical safety, I feel more ready to be seen.
    The shame, anger, overwhelm, sadness and exhaustion are in the background instead of filling my every breath and thought.
    I see how I have been stewing in the pot of my life's pain, suffering and trauma and there was no escape.  I had to see and feel every ingredient being added to the pot.  I had to bear witness to myself as I witnessed my death and crucifixion at the hands of life, only to be reborn and incubating, patiently waiting for me to process, heal, grow, rest and evolve, all while living life in first gear.
    Is it wrong that I have needed this time?
    No.
    Should it have been faster?
    No.
    Should I have gotten over myself instead of allowing this miraculous but exceptionally difficult time period in my life?
    No.
    Did I hate, resent, fear and reject myself countless times during this time?
    Yes.
    What made me stop doing that?
    Me giving me permission to feel and be exactly as I am, with openness, transparency and a willingness to be seen at my messiest and weakest and to feel within me that I was worthy despite how I was.
    I have been dying and being reborn over and over again.  My destruction and incubation are more complete and I feel ready.
    Ready for what?
    To thrive.
    To share 
    To uplift.
    To support and to give love.
    To me, to you, to our planet and all of her inhabitants who are slowly dying and being reborn in each moment.
    May our deaths and rebirths be miraculous and healing for ourselves and for the well being and evolution of all.  
    With every breath we take, may we see the beauty in our process of healing no matter how long, exhausting or insufferable it is.  
    May you be reminded of your worth no matter how good or shitty you feel.  May you be held from within and outside of you.

    Thanks for reading.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved

  • Giving myself micro-affirmations

    How many times in life do we end up treating ourselves badly? Berating ourselves or beating ourselves up emotionally? How many times have we experienced micro-aggressions from others and from our own selves?

    Today, I learned a new term in my workplace’s course on Harassment and Violence in the Work Place. It really made me stop and take a moment to breathe it in. It made me wonder, how different would my inner life be if I only ever gave myself micro-affirmations? Or if I made it my intention each day to lead with micro-affirmations for myself, for my family, for my colleagues and for everyone I interact with?

    How many of us are in dire need of micro-affirmations? We certainly don’t need micro-aggressions! Here are some examples of kind things I have learned to say and do for myself:

    • “Hey honey, you are a bit tired today. With every breath you take, may you feel more rejuvenated and cared for.”
    • I caress my cheek gently and tell myself that I am a beauty.
    • I dance to a fun song in front of the mirror and give myself compliments like, “you look so great, honey,” or “nice dance moves,” or “you are so beautiful.”
    • I acknowledge the good I’ve done, even if no one else has. I will say something like this to myself, “way to go Bradlee, I’m really proud of you.”
    • If I wake up feeling stiff, tired and sore, I’ll say, “I honor you dearest body. Thank you for everything you do for me. Let’s move around and set a beautiful intention for the day and take it nice and easy.”

    I find that the more I do this for myself, the more I fill myself up, and then naturally, I have more to give to others. The definition of micro-affirmations fits very well into the Phd in Being Me philosophy and I hope it inspires you to give kindness to yourself, and when you’re full enough, to give that to others.

    May you be well and may the hearts of all be filled with the most loving, inclusive and validating micro-affirmations. xoxoox Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Chronic fatigue has taught me to love and accept myself

    At some point in my adolescence, I stopped thinking I was worth it. I believed that I was too sensitive, too much, too sick, too frequently injured, etc. So I just stopped caring about myself. I learned to ignore and push past my needs. I felt very lonely and sad and I really didn’t know what to do about it.

    Here I am, many years later, and I am still me: sensitive, chronically fatigued, anxious, yet full of love, generosity, smiles and kindness. The difference is that I know myself now and I am unlearning all of the ways I used to relate to myself. I see that I’m not too much, I’m actually pretty awesome and I know you are too. It’s my hope that by sharing more about how I’ve been relating to myself lately that it will help you to feel better about yourself, no matter what your circumstances are.

    Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels.com

    I used to be embarrassed to have chronic fatigue syndrome. As I have written in past posts, I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and I just needed to figure it out so I could get better. Lately, I have embraced being honest with myself and others about my medical condition and the massive limitations that come with it. It has been feeling really good to share more about it. In fact, I’m noticing that the more I share about it, the more I can feel my self-worth building. It’s like I’m breaking the cycles of abuse from my earlier years every time I share about myself and ask for extra support.

    I honestly feel that living with chronic fatigue has been what I’ve needed to unshackle myself and to learn that I am worthy of being listened to, cared for, supported and nurtured, both by myself and others. I have been feeling so supported lately and I really feel that it’s because I’ve given myself permission to have chronic fatigue syndrome and to be open about it. Isn’t that a funny concept? That by giving myself permission to actually be how I am has made my life easier and more enjoyable?

    I see that I am making really healthy choices each day for my body, soul and heart, and it’s okay to be exactly where I am at, even if I don’t always like it. I figure that I will keep doing my best to take care of myself and if my chronic fatigue will be healed, awesome. If it won’t in the near future or far future, then that will be awesome too. I’m really at a point where loving and caring for myself is what matters most, instead of just trying to get over myself or my circumstances.

    May this post lighten your load and inspire you about where you may be able to give yourself more permission in your life, including loving and accepting yourself. May you also know how special and wonderful you are, no matter what.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Inspiration from nature

    A photo I took this morning

    Lately I have been looking at nature to be inspired. Sometimes I don’t even try to find inspiration, it’s more like the beauty in nature is calling to me, asking me to be present and witness its beauty. Whenever this happens, I feel renewed, awakened and more alive. I make a special effort to breathe deeply and appreciate the majesty of what I am witnessing. It sures helps take my mind off the busyness of life and any problems I may be having.

    This morning, I was driving my dog Maggie to a dog daycare so she could run around and have fun with other dogs. It was a bit chilly and foggy. I was more thinking of dropping Maggie off and what I was going to eat once I got back home. Then, I followed a curve on my road and I saw such a gorgeous blend of green fields, fog and sun, as you can see from the image above. It completely brought me back to myself and the present moment.

    I dropped Maggie off and excitedly stopped by the side of the road to take more photos.

    A close up of the same field

    The beauty of the sun, field and clouds were really breathtaking. I felt so blessed and privileged to have extra time this morning to take in this gorgeous display. The funny thing was I had been complaining that my car windows were fogging up, but I quickly stopped after seeing these sights.

    From another angle – how spectacular!

    Whenever I feel anxious or rushed inside, I often get an important reset from nature. I love putting my bare feet on the grass, especially when it is cool and dewy. That feeling brings calmness to every part of me, especially if I can walk around for 5 minutes and take in the sights, feelings and smells.

    Sometimes, just looking up at the sky and turning around so I can see it from every angle is exactly what I need. I especially love watching the clouds move across the sky. They are constantly reinventing themselves; it seems like clouds change shape nearly every second. They remind me that I am not supposed to be or feel the same all the time.

    This image shows more of the clouds

    I am grateful for all the lessons I am learning from nature lately. Those lessons allow me to have more realistic expectations of myself as a human and inspire me to be more gentle and compassionate with myself. They also show me how deep, complex and majestic I am in all of my humanity.

    May you see, hear and feel all the ways that nature, Mother Earth and our great Creator love, nurture and inspire us all. Big hugs 💖💖💖.

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • The process of maturing

    Photo by PhotoMIX Company on Pexels.com

    Lately I have been feeling like I am in a process. I also realized that I am not always kind to myself as I go through this process. I don’t think cheese sitting on a shelf to age and become more flavorful judges itself. I also don’t think that little seedlings are hard on themselves before their stems are strong and firm. So, why am I hard on myself for being “in process”? Hmmm…good question.

    The last month I have felt more vulnerable, more buried deep under layers of fog, like I couldn’t quite get to the sun behind the clouds. And for whatever reason, I started feeling like I shouldn’t be feeling that way, like there was something wrong with me for feeling that way. Just yesterday, I started feeling more strong and ready for life and I caught myself wondering what I did wrong over the past month that led me to feeling so unlike myself. I was blown away when I realized I was being quite hard on myself and judgmental too. If I had a friend going through a rough patch, I wouldn’t judge them and expect them to get over it…I hadn’t even been aware I was thinking of myself like that.

    I feel very blessed though, because my heart gave me the image of a little seedling that is planted indoors in the early spring and needs to be hardened off before it can be transplanted to a garden when the last frost has passed. There is nothing wrong with the seedling for needing to harden, it’s just the process it needs to go through. Then I thought about aged cheese, and how there is nothing undelicious about unripened cheese, it just becomes a whole different cheese once it’s been aged long enough. So the next question is, what if all these times of feeling less than ideal are really just times of ripening, maturing and growth in my life and that after those times, I also feel better, more resilient, and more ready for life? I LOVE that idea, especially since it came straight from my heart into my awareness.

    During that month of not feeling quite like myself, I tried cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, I did very light exercises for a few minutes at a time, I spent time outdoors, I rested and I did all kinds of things to show myself I was worth it and to see if I could feel better. None of those were miraculous cures. They all helped me, but none of them fast tracked me through the process I was going through. I think I just had to go through that process to emerge more mature, more resilient, more hardened off and ripened (to come back to my earlier metaphors). How beautiful is that? I don’t need to give up on myself when I’m having a hard time, but I also don’t need to rush the process, because the process is exactly what I need to go through.

    May you be blessed with so much ease, grace and light as you go through your own experiences of the process of maturity!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Second chance

    Second chance

    Today, I realized that life is often given a second chance to thrive. This lavender plant looked dead when we transplanted it from my dad’s house 3 hours away to our yard. After a month, it is starting to come back to life. In the fall, we will trim it all back and see what happens next spring, maybe it will bloom everywhere once more.

    I have been struggling with/working on improving my mental and physical health for the last several years and I often look to nature to help me cope. There are times when I feel like I may never have energy again (I have chronic fatigue syndrome). There are days when I feel like the happiest person ever, and others where I feel like I’m too tired to be anything but anxious. On the tough days, I find nature reminds me that everything is as it should be. I get so inspired seeing a plant that has nearly died come back to life. Here’s another example.

    This is a little maple sapling that we planted 3 years ago. Other saplings have grown tall and thrived but this one has just stayed small. Earlier this spring, we thought it may be dead, but new life is forming from the roots and the tree is growing anew. That is how I like to think of myself, growing anew after a particularly rough few years.

    In many ways, I have felt like a caterpillar in a chrysalis that is undergoing a massive metamorphosis before emerging as a butterfly. I think these two plants are beautiful and simple metaphors for how I feel too. I have been in a massive inner storm of growth, change, awakening and letting go and my old facade is dying and I’m waiting for my new exterior to emerge, just like the little lavender and maple. When I think of it like that, I can be more kind, patient and loving with myself. I see nature and people getting a second chance, and it reassures me that I am getting mine too.

    May you be well and may you be inspired to see your journey reflected in the cycles of life in nature. Big hugs!

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • PhD in Being Me – In Action!

    The Lovemobile

    Over the last few years, I have been feeling a growing desire within me to uplift humanity, to make people smile, and to help them feel seen and heard. As a part of this, I was inspired to transform my car into a Lovemobile. I feel good knowing that wherever I drive my car, I am anchoring blessings of compassion, love, acceptance and acknowledgement for people!

    Getting into my car makes me feel so good, so I figure I’m on the right path. I love it when people give me air hugs or thumbs up and I send extra blessings of love to those who turn away from it.

    May seeing these images inspire you to learn more about who you are, what your needs are and what you can do to become the most highly educated expert on being you!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Moving Forward

    “Sometimes I feel stuck and I want to blame everyone else for that feeling. Then I remember that I am the one who has the power to make the choices I need to feel healthier, more acknowledged and validated and to move myself forward.”

    Bradlee Zrudlo

    Over the last several years, I have been learning to acknowledge and validate my feelings instead of shoving them down. This has been a humongous change for me and it has liberated me from stagnating and stewing on repressed emotions; well, most of the time.

    It is a huge gift I have given myself to do this, but I see how I sometimes get stuck in hanging out with my feelings and I forget to move forward in my life. It’s like I have been so focused on showing myself that I will no longer abandon myself, that I sometimes forget about how good and satisfying taking action feels.

    I have been creating a beautiful garden within myself and I have been taking the time to nurture it, water it, weed it and shine the light of my attention on it. I see, feel and know what a beautiful gift I have given myself and I am tremendously honoured to have the opportunity to turn my life around in this way.

    What I see now is that I am so well cared for on the inside and I am no longer the same frail version of myself I used to be. In writing this post, I see how it is time for me to expand my garden, to explore life out from under the wave of the precious cocoon that has kept me so safe and nurtured. Whenever I feel small now, I see that I can hold my own hand from within and take a step to move me forward in life. By approaching life in this way, I am not stagnating in blame or resentment as if there are people who are holding me back, but rather, I am seeing that the permission I need to move forward is always mine to give myself.

    With every breath I take, may my education in the art and science of being me deepen, with the utmost of love and respect for all that I am. May that same blessing be extended to all people on our sweetie planet.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

    Photo by Hernan Pauccara on Pexels.com