PhD in Being Me

Tag: personal growth

  • When I don’t have enough of a connection to me

    Image of broken pottery

    Sometimes I feel like I’m missing myself and I seem to have lost me.  This week, I watched a comedy special from Michelle Buteau and I was reading her fabulous book, Survival of the Thickest.  I had a lot going on and those were both making me laugh and feel lighter.  And then I felt this hole inside of me, this missing, and lack of connection.

    It was me, calling to me, asking me to nourish and fill myself up with me.  That missing feeling was guiding me to spend time with myself in ways that could address that lack.  I’m doing that this morning and it feels much better. 

    There are so so many ways to spend one’s time, and it’s easy to miss the call from within about our own needs and what will help meet them.  Especially when living a busy life with work, family, kids/pets/volunteering, etc. 

    During this time of healing, I am learning the importance of attuning to my mind, body and soul to notice my needs.  I am learning that doing that helps regulate the nervous system and can help heal from emotional trauma through being the person that meets your needs.

    It’s amazing how some things that meet my needs one day but not the next.  I think that’s a way to help me tune in more deeply, instead of rotely going through the motions of taking care of myself.  I am learning how to connect with myself and settle more into my body so that I can better feel into my needs.  This is getting easier over time and seems like daunting and overwhelming and more like a healthy and nourishing habit.  I used to TRY so hard to do everything right and now I’m learning to focus on tuning in and listening instead of rushing, fixing, pressuring and trying.  One day at a time 💖.

    And so, for the rest of the day, I’m going to pay attention to myself, rest, and allow myself to be exactly as I am, with some support from me.  I wish you all the best with what your days bring you!  And may kindness and compassion towards yourself be part of your days too!

    With care ♥️, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Echoes from the past – Learning to make my present voice stronger

    An underwater body of water with a cave at the far end

    The echoes from my past are here, calling to me, echoing. 

    Keep yourself small.

    Don’t do anything that can get you hurt.

    Change your behavior at the smallest signs of irritation from the person you are with.

    Keep your anger down, it’s not safe to show it.

    On and on they echo, reverberating within me, reminding me of what I have survived and trying to protect me from that in the here and now.

    Those echoes have served an important role in my life.  Without them, I may not have made choices that have kept me safe.  But with them, I have also been living in the past, and making decisions from that past that may not be necessary in my life today.

    I’ve been learning more about the living legacy of trauma and how the story or narrative of a person’s trauma is alive in their nervous system and body.  The nervous system remembers traumatic events and works to protect from similar events in the present. 

    My therapist has gently guided me to this understanding over the last 2 years and it’s taken that long for me to even feel safe enough to recognize the teachings and not feel triggered by them.  She has helped me understand that my current circumstances are very different and safe and that my “trauma narrative” will always try to keep me safe, even when I’m already safe and cozy.

    And so, this morning, I heard these angry, irritable thoughts in my mind, and I thought of them as echoes.  Those thoughts were trying to protect me from my past, which really didn’t match with what I knew to be true this morning. 

    They were calling to me, echoing, and I recognized that my true self’s voice, the one I have been cultivating, nurturing and caring for, is getting stronger.  And that strength helped me stay separate from those echoes and rest in what I know to be true within me today.  It was a very simple, but powerful moment of liberation.

    Those echoes helped me realize how far I have come, and that even though they may always be echoing, maybe they’ll get quieter and the voice of my present self will continue to get louder, more confident, secure and grounded in my present.

    I love learning about trauma.  It’s been a scary and intense journey to face and acknowledge the pain I have experienced and lived through.  It’s also been liberating to learn how the nervous system works, what an incredible job it’s done for me and how I can work with it to create a greater sense of safety in my present.

    Thank you echoes, thank you to my past, thank you to all the incredible people who have and continue, to love, support, care for and uplift me.  You’ve all played a role in me having this realization this morning.  Thank you for being a part of my life.

    With lots of gratitude and appreciation for where I have been and where I am going and for you for witnessing my journey 🩷🩷🩷, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • I am what I’m searching for

    Me and the dogs taking a rest break

    Last week, I was trying a new somatic practice, and it was helping me.  I became aware of myself thinking, “maybe this is it!  Maybe this is the thing that will finally help me get better.”

    I have thought that thousands of times over the past several years of figuring out how to live with chronic fatigue syndrome.  To be honest with myself, I haven’t just been trying to live with it, I’ve been trying to get over it, over and over again.

    That awareness the other day helped me realize that deep inside me I am still caught in the trap of trying to get over myself and hurry up and get better.  I’ve made lots of progress in being kinder and more compassionate to myself instead of always taking a deficit and fix myself mindset, but I guess there is always room for improvement!

    I started reflecting on all I’ve done for myself over the years and I settled into a new knowing:  I am what I’ve been looking for.  It’s my dedication to myself, my willingness to grow and explore my inner world, to ask for support and to follow my intuition about what is working and what isn’t and what speed to journey at. 

    Maybe it doesn’t matter that I’ve been unwell for so many years.  Maybe it just matters that through it all, I’ve been here, willing to keep experimenting to show myself that I am worth it.  That I am allowed to be exactly as I am and that I can also keep learning to help myself in new ways that will cumulatively surround and fill me with care, love, compassion and healing, regardless of any outcomes.  It’s me.  It’s not the tools.  It’s me.  I am the one.  I am it. 

    Hmmmm, that feels good.  I value and treasure myself and my life and I am living in ways that show myself that.  So if the latest practice helps me feel a bit better and less exhausted, awesome.  If it doesn’t, or I need something else, I will adjust and pay attention to my needs.  Yes, that is nice.  I like it.  No blame, no shame, no hurrying, just settling in to being me, exactly as I am, in this moment and tuning in to see what I need.

    I wish you all the best in attuning to your needs too!  May you see and acknowledge the good you do for yourself and may you be inspired about what unmet needs you may have and how you can go about meeting them (that’s my plan for today 🥰🥰).

    Big hugs, Bradlee  🌟🩷

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • I didn’t think boundaries could be loving

    A stone terrace, with a short, moss covered rock wall along the edge of the terrace.

    Like many sensitive people, I have been exploring the concept of boundaries.  What does that word even mean, what do boundaries look like, when do I need them, is it okay to have them, when should I strengthen them, etc?

    I had this very innocent belief that if I had boundaries, then people would feel like I didn’t love them.  I thought that having no boundaries was the way to prevent anyone from thinking I was rejecting them.  I have been learning that these beliefs are part of my trauma narrative and were created as a way of helping me.

    I also recently realized that not having boundaries was a way I could keep myself safe.  Without boundaries, I could instantly tell if someone’s mood was changing and then I could jump in to try to manage the situation to (hopefully) stay safe. 

    By not having boundaries, I was able to energetically hold onto the people around me, so I could match their moods or be who they needed me to be so I wouldn’t get hurt. 

    It’s truly incredible to learn about how much of this was totally unconscious and was using up a lot of mental and energetic energy to maintain.  These are all very innoncent strategies that I developed to get the love and care I needed and to keep myself safe. 

    I am learning to really respect the parts of me that developed these strategies.  I’m 46, so I grew up at a time when feelings weren’t really talked about, they were more suppressed.  So having the opportunity through therapy and nervous system rehabilitation work to learn more about these strategies, why they were formed and what I can do differently is such a gift. 

    I realized how much progress I had made when I told my dog that she couldn’t come lie on the bed with me, even though I knew she really wanted to, and I didn’t feel guilty.  In fact, I realized how much I loved her and myself, and that having boundaries meant I could love her and respect myself more.  It was such a liberating but simple moment. 

    I’m looking forward to experimenting more with boundaries and building up my internal strength and resilience. I am very grateful for the trauma-informed therapy I am doing.  It makes me feel much safer to learn about myself and my history.  I am learning to be so compassionate to myself for how much I have survived and I am building an extensive library of tools to help me moving forward. 

    I am starting to be able to tell the difference between when I feel safe and grounded and when I am relating to my life from my trauma narrative.  I had no idea that there were two perspectives within me, I just knew that sometimes I felt powerful and capable, and other times I felt so small, victim-like and deeply sad. 

    It seems like the more I get to know that deeply safe, confident, powerful and strong part of me, then the easier it will be to have boundaries.  And the more I understand and recognize the very hurt parts of me and take care of them, then they’ll trust me to take the lead more. 

    I just love learning this stuff, it makes me feel so great.  There are so many people like me and there are so many tools and approaches I can take, including making sure I enjoy life and have fun, despite doing deep healing work and being chronically exhausted. 

    Maybe I can have it all, despite feeling limited?  That sounds really nice.  I can have boundaries and still be the loving and caring person I am.  Maybe I can be tired and still happy.  Maybe I can grieve the loss of my energy but be excited for all the opportunities I am gaining through this exhausted time in my life?  Ya, I like all of that.

    Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best in getting to know what your needs are and how you can best meet them.

    Take care, Bradlee 🩷🩷🌈🌈🌟🌟

  • My new true north

    A hand holding a compass with a bronze colored lid.

    My inner compass has been re-oriented.

    My focus re-directed.

    My heart opened and filled with what’s been right in front of me all along.

    Here I am, right here, where I have always been.

    My life is not behind me, ahead of me or just around the corner.  It is right here, right now.

    Every bit of my life matters, the mundane, the heart wrenching, the hilarious, the joys, highs and lows and everything in between.

    My story matters, my life matters, exactly as it is.  It won’t be any more important if all of my dreams come true, or if I live my life exactly as it is each moment.

    A significant part of me has thought that if only I could be better, get better, be different, than my life would mean more and would allow me to help more people.

    The truth is, the best thing I can do is to sit down, right here, in the middle of the life I’m living and live it.  Nothing more, nothing less.

    I’ve been the kind of person who loves people easily.  If I’ve made any type of connection with you, chances are I love you and deeply.  It’s a really sweet and admirable quality that I’m only beginning to really appreciate as the precious gift it is, and that I give to others (admittedly, I don’t give this freely to everyone, I’ve become more discerning over the years). 

    I love helping people, making connections with them, holding them, uplifting them and cheering them on.  Over the last several years of ill health, the lack of being able to do that for others has been really hard.  But now I see that it’s truly my time to turn inward and to give all of those gifts that I so easily give to others to my sweetie self.

    My life won’t mean more or have greater value if I get better tomorrow, in a few years, or never.  Each day, I’ll be living my life, hopefully with more presence, gratitude and appreciation since my realizations today, and that will be enough.  My story, my moments, my thoughts, my fears, joys, pain and excitement all add up to make my life.  And what a beautiful life it is.

    We see movies, read books, and compare ourselves to others and wonder, am I doing this right?  Am I enough just as I am?  And today, I am recognizing that I am, just as I am.  I am good enough and I am doing things right, because I am me, no one else. 

    This writing was inspired by listening to the audio book, “The Dutch House,” by Ann Patchett, narrated by Tom Hanks.  The book, which was a Pulizter Prize Finalist, was about ordinary people’s lives.  The whole book.  There was no action, mystery or anything, just a beautifully written and narrated story about some humans, being human and having a human experience.  And somehow, having that story read aloud by Tom Hanks gave it so much more validity and importance.  I hung out with a flawed family and Tom Hanks for 10 hours and my life as I knew it opened, crumbled and I was remade, ready to appreciate all that has happened to me, all that will happen to me and all that I am.  I am so humbled by this book.  It has touched me so deeply I have tears in my eyes as I type this.  This book has helped me find my own true north again and my heart is still feeling tender.  I’m in repair and am re-orienting and I’m so excited to see where my life points me to next.  Even if it’s just to fold the laundry or to rest and heal.

    Thanks so much for reading. May you be well and may you inner compass guide you to discover all the majesty that you are.

    xoxoxo Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • A pause

    A tree with orange leaves on the ground all around it, with mist in the background
    A quiet place among the leaves and mist

    The older I have gotten (I am 44), the more I am giving myself permission to pause.  A pause can mean many things, including:

    • Taking a breath before I respond to a person or a situation
    • Deciding that I will get back to a person instead of answering them right away
    • Prioritizing taking care of myself, even if just for a short while, before working through the items on my to do list.

    Am I an expert at pausing?  Sometimes, and sometimes I rush and feel so much pressure that a pause is the last thing I think about. 

    Learning about me from my experiences is the point of working towards a PhD in Being Me.  I am at the school of me, learning every day about how best to take care of myself and honour myself as I live my life.  And to do this with as much kindness, grace, care and love I can possibly give myself, including giving myself a big or little pause when I need it.

    I have had a very narrow window of tolerance for the last several months as I was very stressed out by my life’s circumstances.  I have included a pdf for those new to the window of tolerance concept or how trauma can influence your window of tolerance (I hope it works!)

    Window of ToleranceDownload

    As I take better care of myself, my window of tolerance is increasing.  With that increase, it is getting easier to notice when a pause would benefit me.

    For example, I was annoyed by my dog’s behavior the other day, and I realized that I had other choices than getting really angry or crying.  Just that realization alone was the pause I needed to access more choices within me.  It was like I saw the overwhelmed and tired parts of myself and honoured them with that pause that allowed me to choose how to respond better. 

    Being off work has allowed me to see how much I was just holding on and coping every day, instead of living and thriving.  I know many of us can relate to those words.  If you can, I send you many big hugs, it sure is tough.  No matter where you are in your life, whether you are thriving or just holding on, may there be many more golden pauses available to you, and lots of love, kindness and peace too. 

    With lots of care 💕, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • When I write – a poem

    A sunset from my backyard

    When I write


    Sometimes, when I write, the wisest and steadiest parts of me have something to share
    And it uplifts and inspires me.

    Other times, the most traumatized and fractured parts of me
    Have something to say
    And it’s painful
    Difficult
    And hard
    But what they share is no less wise.
    In fact, those feelings help me learn how to more deeply love myself
    And hold space for myself.
    Hmm, I don’t think I had recognized it like that before.

    Today, I feel them both
    And I am writing and creating space for them both to be here.
    To share with me.
    To enlighten me.
    And to communicate their needs and wisdom.

    And somehow, even though I’m just typing, I feel better.
    I feel like I’m being with myself instead of distracting or abandoning myself through busyness.


    I’m smiling because I’ve finally realized that my traumatized parts are no less wise.
    They are incredibly precious and beautiful
    And they teach me how to care for and nurture the parts of me that have fractured off as a way to survive.
    How truly inspiring.  I had it all backwards.

    I’ve been learning a lot about trauma in the past six weeks and it is helping me make sense
    Of all that I’ve been feeling and experiencing in my life,
    Especially in the last 10 years.
    I’m so grateful for what I’m learning as it’s helping me to heal and reunite with myself more deeply.

    Thank you to all of me, you are all my teachers and I love you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved


  • The burden I carry

    A hand holding up a lit up light bulb against a starry sky
    Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com

    I have become more aware of the emotional wounds I have lately. Over the last several years, I have often felt very heavy, tired and weighed down. It’s like I am carrying a heavy load that is made up of all the past hurts and traumatic events in my life. Some days, I don’t even notice the weight and other times I am so very aware of the load I am carrying and it feels like a tremendous burden.

    In the past, I wanted to ignore or push away that burden. I wanted nothing to do with it and I did everything I could to try to “magic” it away through various healing modalities. Here I am, several years later, and I am much older, wiser and kinder to myself, but I am still carrying this emotional weight.

    This afternoon on a walk, it came to me that it is okay to carry this burden. It is a very valid burden to carry. It represents my pain and trauma, and those of my ancestors. I am carrying it for all of us, and I will continue to carry it, hold it and witness what it has to share for as long as is necessary. This emotional burden is no different than having an injured knee, hip or shoulder. You can’t see me physically limping or adjusting how I hold a physical burden, but I am carrying it nonetheless.

    And maybe it isn’t actually a burden? Maybe the fact that I am aware of these emotional wounds and weight automatically converts it from something that is a burden to carry to something I can be honoured to carry for myself, for my family and for those who came before me? Maybe in my family, we’ve been carrying it for a long time and I will have the opportunity to break any cycles of abuse, neglect, hurt and harm, but not before carrying it, understanding it, nurturing it and thanking it.

    Those are a lot of maybes, but they feel like good maybes. Maybe today is the day where I see things differently, from a burden to an honour, and from that place, only good can come? Just this week, I started seeing a therapist to better understand trauma, intergenerational trauma, the effect trauma has on our brains and bodies, and to learn how I can better nurture myself. I am excited, scared, nervous and ready. Maybe this post reflects all of those feelings?

    No matter where you are in your journey of tending to and caring for your emotional wounds and burdens, I send you many blessings of care, respect, peace and deep, deep healing. May your heart be light and may you be well.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Empathy is my super power

    A beautiful sunset sky with purple, yellow, pink and orange clouds.

    The other day, I was having a conversation at work, and I said some very wise words that helped me to know that empathy is my superpower.

    We were talking about some people who seem superhuman because they can work 16 hour days for long periods of time. My colleague seemed like they were judging themselves for not being able to do that, and I said something like,

    You have superhuman powers at work even if you don’t work 16 hour days. You bring empathy, compassion, and understanding to your employees, and that is a superpower.

    I could tell it helped my colleague for me to recognize their awesomeness and it sure helped me. It is easy for me to judge myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome and for not having bountiful amounts of energy. It isn’t always easy to remember the wonderful ways that I contribute to the lives of those around me thanks to my empathy, compassion and understanding. I was grateful for a chance to be reminded of that.

    Living with empathy and leading with kindness and compassion are true bad ass ways of living. It is much easier to judge others, push them away or to “other” them. I know that because over the last 20 years I have been unlearning those habits and have been opening up to the wellspring of light, love, care and compassion that were always within me, just waiting to be discovered.

    If you are reading this, I am smiling at you! I am encouraging you and cheering you on! What might your superpower be? Are you up for taking a moment to acknowledge the good you do just by being exactly as you are?

    If you don’t know what your superpower is yet, may you have a joyful time discovering it. May you get a PhD in Being You each and every day as you get to know yourself better.

    I send you big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Snails are slow, and sometimes, so am I

    A close up image of a snail, with its two antenna extended and its shell in the background.
    Snails are so cute, they make me smile

    I love snails. I often pick them up off the road and place them on the plants on the side of the road. I love watching how slowly and deliberately they move along a plant or the ground. They bring their homes wherever they go, and they seem to enjoy taking their time to get where they are going.

    When I walk the dogs and I come across a group of snails, I always want to stop and just watch them. For such little, slow-moving creatures, they have such an ability to inspire and bring joy. They remind me that even though I move slowly with chronic fatigue sometimes, I can still inspire and bring joy.

    A snail’s life is no less important than a fast cheetah’s, so it makes me wonder why I have put so much pressure on myself to get better and be faster than I am now. I have learned so much from having chronic fatigue syndrome. I am now more effective, efficient, and productive, and I excel at resting and paying attention to my precious body’s cues. Because I have limited energy, I use what I have wisely and only on tasks that matter to me and have high value.

    I love how the cute little snails on my road gave me such an opportunity to validate and appreciate myself, even on days where I move slower than a snail.

    No matter what pace you can go in your daily life, or how far you go, may you know that your life and you matter and are perfectly valid. Big hugs and thanks for reading.

    A snail with a striped shell on a yellow flower
    You matter, no matter how fast or slowly you move through life