PhD in Being Me

Tag: personal growth

  • Bullied – a poem

    A notebook with the words, "stop bullying" with a heart.


    It brings a big smile to my heart to say that I’m sharing this poem below in honour of my friend Niveen.  We just reconnected recently and she inspired me to share this poem. In talking to her, I shared how my poems come to life, and I’d like to share that with you too.


    I’ve always been a sensitive empath who feels emotions really strongly.  I didn’t understand that for the first 30ish years of my life, but now that I know it, it’s been easier to learn what I need to feel good.  Writing out my feelings is a very helpful way for me to process them.  As I’ve mentioned before, I used to just shove those feelings down.  Learning how to feel them, give them space to be felt and to witness them has been a challenge for me, but a true gift because I know my feelings now.  They aren’t as scary as they used to be because they know I’ll take the time to feel them, get to know them and hold space for them.  Hmmm, I didn’t even realize I felt that way until I wrote it just now. Thanks Niveen!

     
    Usually I know I am feeling some big feelings because I feel an inner pressure, like how it must be inside of a volcano for weeks before it erupts.  I do my best to pay attention to that feeling.  Sometimes I talk gently to myself when I feel like that, and other times, I just get in front of the computer and let the feelings do all the talking through my fingers.  I sometimes cry or rage while I’m typing and I feel the pressure releasing the more I type.  I’m always amazed that the feelings seem to resolve themselves by the end of the poem.  There is also a pattern that I’ve noticed; by giving my feelings space and validity, then it frees up my inner wisdom to come forward and guide me with loving words to a conclusion.  If you’ve read a few of my poems, you’ll notice that they often have a loving, peaceful resolution at the end.  Every time I write, it’s like I’m learning to be my own best friend and supporter from the inside out.  That is truly what getting a PhD in Being Me is about.  Not trying to do what others do, but connecting so deeply into what works best for each of us.


    And now, here is my poem, Bullied.  I have felt this way at so many times in my life.  With each time, I find more courage, strength and inner fire to speak up for myself, realize when enough is enough, and find safety.  It is a true honour and privilege for me to be growing through my experiences. 

    May this poem help you and may you know how worthy you are of being respected and accepted for who you are.  Big hugs!



    Bullied – a poem


    Here I am

    Feeling bullied, disrespected and not listened to

    I don’t know how people can be at such odds with one another

    It’s like a cycle of force and struggle and I feel like I am the only one to see it

    What the heck is going on

    Why can’t we all just get along

    Why do I have to do what I’m told or what others expect of me, even if it goes against my values and my thoughts of what is best

    How in the world can I feel good while being put in these situations time and time again?



    I guess it comes down to not being a victim and breathing deeply.

    Knowing that who I am and how I care for me is more important than anything else.

    I don’t think I need to put up with shit, but I also don’t need to get overly involved either.

    It’s so sad, but it seems to be the way to survive and find the light to thrive.

    I’m not sure how to go about this, but I’m going to breathe, acknowledge myself, ask myself to come along and see what happens next.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2023. All Rights Reserved

  • When it all works out

    This beautiful art my husband made me sums up how I am feeling

    I love it when it all works out! I find it especially exciting after a time of deep fatigue, anxiety, stress, or tension (or all of them)! Maybe that’s the gift the contrast between the highs and lows of life gives us?

    This past weekend, I went to a beautiful family reunion, and I saw cousins I hadn’t seen in over 30 years. There was so much delicious food that I didn’t eat because I was so happy hugging and talking. My heart was overflowing with love, and truly, there is no better feeling. It made my emotional and physical aches and pains melt away.

    Before going, I had decided to bring all of who I am now, instead of relating to everyone like I used to when I was a shy kid and an unsure teenager. I felt like I grew up a lot by making that choice, like I integrated and honored the many parts of me. This GIF represents how I feel more cohesive and organized within myself.

    I haven’t been sleeping as well since that time, almost like all of me is awake, revelling in the joy of the wonderful road trip with my family, an incredible reunion, and loving visit with my precious Dad. Even though I know there will be challenges ahead, I feel good and fortified. May this feeling last, and may we all be blessed with lovely, heartwarming experiences where it all works out.

    This is all part of getting a PhD in Being Me, enjoying the good, taking care of ourselves for when times are hard, and learning day to day what we may need to help us through. May you be inspired about how to best care for and enjoy who you were, who you are, and who you are becoming. Big hugs!

    A simple flower with a text box with these words, "This is all part of getting a PhD in Being Me, enjoying the good, taking care of ourselves for when times are hard, and learning day to day what we may need to help us through.'

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Give yourself time

    Picture of author smiling with hearts and rainbow stickers.
    A big smile from my healing heart to yours

    I have been so hard on myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome, for being anxious, for not being good enough, for having cellulite, for not “getting better” fast enough and for so many other reasons.

    You know what though? I am more than good enough and my journey through life is amazingly valid. Today, my heart said, “give yourself time and be proud of everything you are healing, overcoming and learning through your challenges and feelings. “

    My heart asked me to share its messages with you too. Please give yourself time and grace. You are so worthy of receiving that, even if you don’t know how to give that to yourself. You are precious and you matter 💖.

    If it hurts to read that because you don’t feel able or worthy of receiving it, you are super precious and you matter. I used to not believe those words, and I definitely didn’t know how to say kind things to myself. I learned how to do that in 2015, and it gets easier every day…please give yourself time to learn to love and honor yourself.

    By giving ourselves time, instead of keeping ourselves in a pressure cooker, we learn that we are valid. We learn that our worth is not determined by our circumstances or how quickly or slowly we heal or learn to love ourselves.

    Let’s give ourselves time to learn how to be with ourselves while we do hard things. Let’s give ourselves time to honor our pain, joy, anger and sadness. Let’s give ourselves time to get to know our bodies and what they need from us. Let’s give ourselves time to be fully us and to reclaim any banished parts of ourselves.

    This isn’t a race and there are no prizes. The rewards are huge though; being able to love yourself, being able to connect to the needs of your body, heart, mind and soul, and more.

    If you’re interested, this is the video that sparked a love revolution within me: https://youtu.be/ZjwTW-sjIto

    Big hugs and take all the time you need!

    Xoxoxo

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Say yes to vulnerability

    Bradlee and her dog Archie, facing each other on the couch and touching heads.
    Me and sweetie Archie sharing a vulnerable and tender moment. He is so precious!

    Introduction

    When I wrote this short but powerful poem, I knew the concepts, but was learning to really know them, deep in my bones. A few years later, I can see how far I have come and I am proud of myself. It is not easy to unlearn the ways of the world or one’s conditioning, nor is it easy to be super vulnerable, open and honest. What I have discovered though, is that it is harder not to be.

    My life was much more difficult when I shoved my emotions down, and when I tried to hide or cover up parts of myself. I have found strength in being vulnerable and in embracing what I had labelled as my weaknesses and not nice parts. May this poem inspire and nurture you. You are lovely just as you are and may you find strength in being all of you, each and every day.

    Say yes to vulnerability – a short poem

    Say yes to vulnerability.

    Say yes to all the ways you thought you shouldn’t be.

    Say yes to being honest.

    Say yes to admitting you are struggling.

    Say yes to choosing love over fear.

    Say yes to peace.

    Say yes to having your walls knocked down.

    Say yes and thank you to the fear that wants to keep you safe.

    Say yes to having your safe-haven opened and exposed.

    Say yes to you;

    all that is waiting for you is you

    and more love than you ever imagined possible.

    You are very worthy of saying yes to.

    xoxoxoxoxo

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • What about me?

    There is this little and sometimes quite loud voice inside me that whispers or yells, “What about me?”

    A short video to help explain the concepts in this post. May it help you connect with yourself in helpful ways ♥️

    I was listening to a super compassionate meditation on Insight Timer from the Biomedical Institute of Yoga and Meditation and I heard “What about me?” from inside me, quite loudly. For the rest of the day my body hurt and I was completely exhausted. This voice speaks for all the times I felt cast aside, abused, neglected, and forced. It represents so much unprocessed pain about certain aspects of my life. Part of getting a PhD in Being Me is learning to honor and care for yourself when feeling your worst. I felt so terribly, I was feeling more like I was in kindergarten compared to working on a PhD ❤️.

    A day later, I still felt that “What about me” presence. It felt heavy, painful and nearly frantic. To be honest, I can understand those feelings. Listening to that beautiful meditation triggered some of my most traumatic memories and helped me to understand how much pain they truly caused. I honor my “What about me” self. It has good reason to whisper and yell, and it is very justified in coming forward to affirm its presence and role in my life.

    Here I am, feeling so heavy, so unsure of how to hold myself while I acknowledge and feel the pain and anger and exhaustion this part of me has been carrying by herself. I slow down, take deep breaths and follow what my mind, heart and body are asking me to do. I write this post. I listen to beautiful music by Destined Dynamics. I cry and tell my husband about my fears and hurt. By doing these things, I create more space for this bruised, broken, hurt and victimized part of me.

    Going forward, I will hold her and me, until our breath and voices unite and we are together as one. I will look in the mirror and see my pain and my resilience and smile. I will feel the pain inside me. I will rise up because the root has showed me how to pull her out of that infertile garden and plant her in my heart, where I can nurture her with the sunlight and rains of my care and attention. I love you Miss What About Me. You matter and you are worthy. Thank you for revealing yourself to me, please teach me how best to care for you.

    If you are working through living with a chronic physical or mental health condition (I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety), or are working through trauma of any kind, I see you and I am with you. You matter and I wish you so much ease, love, gentleness and care. Big hugs.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • A little space

    Do you ever feel like you need a little space? Gosh, I know I do! If you can relate to the facial expressions below, please read on and check out my video further down ❤️❤️.

    Me with my hand covering half my face.
    I am smiling here and resting my head on my forehead. Sometimes I add some swearing too
    Me, with my head tilted to the side with a "oh no, not again" expression on my face.
    This is my “no, not again” face. It’s usually for the dogs, and may be accompanied by swearing
    Me with an attempt at making an irritated look, with one eyebrow down and a frown.
    I had fun with these photos. This one is half irritated, half me trying to capture my exasperation for you.

    Sometimes, you need a little space. When life feels like too much, when there is too much to do, or too many demands from others on your time. A little space is a free and easy way to rebalance and recharge so you can come back to feeling like yourself.

    I fully acknowledge that the more stress and pressure in life, the more space is needed. Sometimes we can give that to ourselves, but sometimes we can’t because we are caretakers, or our work requires it. In this short video, I give a few examples of how you can give yourself some space.

    I was inspired to put this post together this afternoon because I needed space big time. It’s felt like a big week, and I am tired out today. My dogs seem to know when I am more tired, and they push the boundaries hard as a result. I yelled at them earlier and just felt so crowded. I recognize this may not seem like a big deal, but I am recovering from a lifetime of letting others take up my personal space, and my dogs are my best teachers. I get so harried and overwhelmed when my boundaries are violated, and I decided to make a change this afternoon to help myself out.

    I had a quick errand to run, so I thought that would be a way to get some space. I almost came back home right away, but I decided to pause and consider what would help me the most. I decided to get some gas for my Lovemobile (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/07/04/phd-in-being-me-in-action/) and some fries, and it made a huge difference. I don’t think it was about the fries or seeing people at the gas station. I think it was much more about needing to do my own thing, by myself, so I could recharge. And even recognizing that I needed that time out of the house.

    From my heart to yours, here are some other ways I have found to get a little space while not leaving my home:

    • Pulling up weeds is a free way to connect with nature, get your feelings out and be outside
    • Washing dishes while playing your favorite song
    • Taking a longer than usual shower or bath and enjoying the feeling of the water
    • Saying no to demands from everyone and enjoying something that brings pleasure or smiles to your heart
    • Lying on your bed when you can be alone and spending 5 minutes deep breathing
    • Looking at yourself in the mirror and smiling and saying nice things to yourself, even if you look and feel like shit. This is very effective for me. It allows me to show up for and see myself, even in my worst moments.

    I first really understood the true value of space from Matt Kahn, a spiritual teacher and author who had helped me a lot (www.mattkahn.org). He explained how we need space so we can empty out our energetic recycling bin. He also helped me to know that anger and irritation is a sure sign that space is needed to process, integrate, and empty our recycling bin. I use those emotions as cues to take a few minutes to a few hours to take care of myself.

    I sincerely hope this post was helpful for you. If not, I hope you laughed at my hilarious facial expressions. Please share how you give yourself a little space. Big hugs!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Protecting innocence

    A heartfelt video from me and our 4 week old chicks

    A few weeks ago, I wrote about the death of one of our 2 day old baby chicks: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/06/02/making-peace-with-suffering/

    It really broke my heart to watch her suffering, yet I knew she was teaching me alot.  In the video above, I talk about the baby chicks and how they exude innocence and purity.  They look at me and I can feel my anger, tension and rigidity melt away. 

    I have been reflecting on that innocence and purity.  We are all born that way, and circumstances in life can lead us to bury or hide that away.  I know it was like that for me, and I first really understood what I was missing when I was 35 years old: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/09/05/innocence/

    Those precious babies help remind me that we all have that innocence within us, and I want to nurture and protect it in others.  I have times when I am upset or tired, and I forget to speak directly to the innocence in others, and I also forget my own.  On days when I feel good and I separate out someone’s actions from their innocence, I feel like a superhero. Speaking to someone’s innocence instead of responding to their actions is a true gift.

    Today, I am having a hard time with that concept, but I am trying regardless. I am trying to nurture my innocence instead of judging myself for my behavior. Today, I am in need of more love, care, and patience, and I am doing my best to give that to myself. May we all be blessed with an abundance of patience, inspiration, and infinite love to share with the innocence in all hearts, especially our own. Big hugs!

    One of our 4 week old baby chicks
    Look at this sweetie!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Cultivating strength through weakness and hardship

    Image of Bradlee flexing her right arm and smiling.
    Image of me flexing my muscles in celebration of finding strength within me

    Sneak peek: loving video at the end of this post!

    Since I started getting progressively more tired with chronic fatigue syndrome, I thought I was getting weaker.  It can be easy to associate any condition or change in abilities with weakness.  I felt the same about how anxious I was getting over the years.  It turns out I was wrong.  Learning to cope with challenges and unexpected realities creates strength and resilience, not weakness.

    For a long time, I hid how tired I was, and I didn’t talk about how hard it was, even with my doctor and naturopath. I felt this absurd need to downplay my symptoms. Through many hardships in my personal and professional, I learned just how much shame I was experiencing. I think I needed to soak in that shame so I could find my self-worth and rise up despite my diagnosis. I feel like I could write a book about this subject and I really hope to in the future. There is something so magical about struggling and suffering yet finding one’s way through. It is so beautiful and inspiring, and I hope to uplift and support others by sharing deeply about my struggles to embrace, accept, know, and love myself.

    I had so many loving and supportive people who validated me, even when I didn’t think I was good enough. My family first helped me see that I am physically and emotionally strong even though I am always tired.  They supported me through the shame and unworthiness I felt about it. My beautiful friend Jana helped me with that, too, when I easily moved a heavy umbrella stand. And Georgette coached me through the fears I had about taking big steps to reclaim my power. K taught me that there are cycles in life and that it’s okay not to give 100% all the time. I remember how incredibly powerful their help and support was. I am so grateful to all my friends, family, and colleagues who loved and appreciated me for me, regardless of how tired or anxious I was (or am).  I hadn’t recognized how small, not good enough and incapable I felt just because I am chronically exhausted.

    With every supportive and encouraging word from family, friends, colleagues and that I learned to give to myself, I started reclaiming my worth and my physical and emotional strength.  Learning to honor myself and my precious body has been life changing for me, too.  Developing my self-worth has helped me make healthier and more confident decisions in my life, including recognizing and enforcing boundaries, eating ways that give me more energy and other healthy habits.  Tremendous good has come out of having chronic fatigue syndrome.  Through perceiving myself as weak, I have found true strength, what a beautiful gift.  My strength still wavers at times, but now that I have found it, I won’t lose it again.

    Even though we face challenges in life, whether they are imposed on us by society or not, whether they are temporary or permanent, physical, mental, emotional, or financial, or the result of longstanding systemic racism and oppression, we are still strong.  Challenges of any kind don’t make us weak.  If anything, they make us more resilient. 

    May we all rise up and reclaim our inner power and strength and dissolve all barriers so we may have true equity, unity, harmony and acceptance within our hearts, bodies, minds, societies, cultures and countries. May we all be blessed to have loving and supportive people to share our lives with too!

    In closing, I am sharing a video with a special message and some deep breaths from my heart to yours ❤️.

    A short video to anchor the message of finding strength, self-love and self-worth especially through challenges

    Note: I have not suffered the effects of systemic racism and oppression as a white, cisgender woman of Lebanese and Italian ancestry.  I wanted to include reference to those who deal with that on a daily basis to honor their strength and resilience. And to highlight my commitment as an ally who is learning and applying what I learn each day. May those oppressive and racist systems be completely transformed and resolved for the well-being of all humanity.

  • That cynical edge

    Rough cliffs on the ocean, with dark clouds filling the sky.
    Photo by Stanislav Kondratiev on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in January 2019. I was going through a tough time with my mental and physical health, and there were several other challenges in my personal and professional life. I was learning so much about being an empath and how to thrive despite everything I was feeling. I definitely didn’t feel like I was thriving, but this poem showed my dedication to figuring it out, which makes my heart smile.

    Reading this poem reminds me how much more complex life is for people who feel deeply and who are empaths. It also reminds me how courageous the most sensitive of souls are each day, and it gives me hope for transforming our planet with light, love and sensitivity. Big hugs!

    That cynical edge

    I have been trying so hard not to become cynical.

    I have railed against the cynicism, doubts and anger that have filled my world and

    I have done my best to push it away.

    It has slowly crept up on me, climbing up my legs, and weaving itself

    around me, stealthily and purposefully and it has me around the neck.

    It is choking me and infecting my brain and soul.

    I no longer trust in the good of all.

    I no longer know what I trust in.

    I am a stupid leaf being blown by the wind and now I’ve once again

    landed in the cesspool of humanity’s pain.

    Why do I keep ending up here?

    I hate it here.

    I get it.

    We are suffering, we have suffered, it seems like we will keep suffering.

    How is it helping me to be a little leaf blowing from circumstance to circumstance?

    How it is that I am getting deeper and deeper into the cesspool when there is so much good in my life?

    What steps can I take to trust in the good once again?

    What do I need in order to trust in the good once again?

    How many hugs am I feeling like I missed out on?

    How many kind words am I longing to hear?

    How many times do I need to be acknowledged and witnessed until I can once again trust the good in all, including in myself?

    How is it that my self-worth is still tied up in receiving those things?

    What might I need to break all the cycles of abuse, within and without, so that trust and love may rise up again within me as the default operating system?

    What was that dream teaching me when I was a little girl?

    What was it teaching me to see Mother Mary alone in a big and empty hospital waiting room?  She was alone and scared and she was about to give birth to Jesus, but she was so alone.  I had that dream several times and I’ve never forgotten it.  How may I assist myself and our planet in healing, transforming and resolving the extreme loneliness that has led to the creation and deepening of the cesspool of humanity’s exceptionally exquisite pain that seems ready to burst in every aspect of our planet?

    How may I transition from being the pain and not trusting anything to being the one to bring light to the cesspool for the wellbeing of all?

    May the guidance come from within my great big heart and may it come quickly and effortlessly to help me with my mission.

    I know I’ll never drown in the cesspool, but it’s time to transform it.

    May it be transformed into the golden waters of Heaven where all may come to be nourished, healed, blessed and transformed instead of where people come to commiserate with others in the pain and darkness of their everyday existence.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Missing myself

    Hands holding up two halves of a broken paper heart.
    Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem on February 14, 2019. I remember those days of missing myself, and I still sometimes feel that, although it has a different feeling lately. Like I’ve been missing only certain parts of me that I’m still reclaiming, like my power. I am sharing it with the hope that it inspires anyone else who is missing themselves. Big hugs!

    Missing myself – a poem

    I feel like I’ve been missing myself.

    Just this morning, I have been crying, aware that I have missed me.

    I have been so caught up trying to survive and make it through in the past few months that I have been missing myself.

    It is a good feeling in a way, because it means I’ve noticed and it is time to figure out how to spend more time with me, instead of rushing around all the time, trying to make things right outside of me and for other people.

    Imagine how weird that is…I am right here, but yet I have missed myself.

    There is a massive depth to me and when I am in survival mode, I am only living from the surface of me.

    My depths are crying out for me to return to them, to bring the depths up to the surface so that I may exist in a more whole and complete way and as a result, I may bring more blessings, health and abundance to myself and to all of those I interact with.

    Here I am, vulnerable and raw, sinking into the depths of me, while they rise to meet me.

    What a holy day.

    Interestingly enough, it is Valentine’s Day today.  May I be reunited with all that I am, in a true sacred union that needs no flowers, chocolates or cards.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.