Our day old baby chick, Lillium, who was sick. I made this video to share with the vet in case we could get her help. She died the next morning.
A beautiful, tiny, one-day old baby chick named Lillium taught so much about suffering in her time with us. She arrived at 9:15 am on May 31, 2023, and she passed away by 6:30am the next day.
We got 7 one-day old baby chicks, and they are all so precious and cute. Baby chicks are so fast and curious, but not Lillium. I noticed she had a dark lump on her underside and that she wasn’t running around with the other chicks. I immediately felt like something wasn’t right.
We tried bathing her underside in case her lump was hardened droppings, but it wasn’t. It was a growth, and it seemed to be making her quite sick. I usually worry about babies because they need so much love and support, but my worry for Lillium was really high. I couldn’t handle the idea of such a little, tiny chick suffering.
I prayed for her, sang to her, and checked on her constantly. I researched what her lump could be and made the video at the top of this post to share with the vet to learn if anything could help her. I cried a few times and really witnessed myself feeling very shaken and sad by her very obvious suffering.
Baby Lillium taught me a lot. She taught me that I don’t like to see anyone suffering and that it really stresses me out. She helped me to identify healthy versus unhealthy ways of dealing with her suffering. I even made some connections to how stressed I have been when my immediate family was hurting in any number of ways. She helped me shed light on what was out of my control and helped me take small steps to finding peace when witnessing suffering.
I was still not a rockstar at being with her while she suffered, but I was absorbing the lessons she was teaching me. I am hopeful that I will be able to hold them in my heart when I witness suffering in myself or in others in the future. Thank you sweet Lillium for showing me the depths of my caring and compassion ❤️. Thank you for gracing my life with your sweet presence for a bit less than a day. Thank you for helping me learn to make peace with suffering.
The dogs woke me up at 4:45am this morning and I was pretty irritated at first. I was amazed how quickly I turned my irritation around by saying lovely things to myself. As I walked down the hall to let them out, I said, “You’re doing such a great job, Bradlee,” and “You are such a caring person.” I felt the irritation lift and I was even able to go back to sleep after.
Are you interested in being kinder to yourself? In saying lovely things to yourself? Especially saying those words you wish others would say to you? I first learned about how to do this in 2015 after watching this inspirational video by Matt Kahn. It’s a long one, but super worth it. It truly gave me the inspiration and easy suggestions to learn how to witness my life and to validate myself while I live it.
In the spirit of sharing and uplifting all readers, I will share a list of things I find myself often saying to myself. I always feel better when I do this. If I don’t feel better, I ask myself what I need to receive instead, and that usually breaks through the anger, despair or whatever I’m feeling. I’m learning, day by day, to be an expert in being me. I really hope these words inspire you to get a PhD in Being Me too!
Examples of lovely things to say to yourself:
Hey, you just did an awesome job washing the dishes, way to go!
Thank you for vacuuming, especially since you were so tired. I really appreciate you.
You nailed that presentation at work today honey, woohoo!
I’m so proud of you, you used your voice to speak up about your boundaries so well.
That was a really good, clear email you wrote at work. Well done!
Way to take a few minutes to lie down, breathe and relax before moving onto your next task.
You did a great job pulling food out of the freezer to make sure you could make healthy meals.
You did such a good job honoring yourself today. You recognized you had limited energy, and you ordered groceries online, and cooked simpler foods for meals.
You spoke up about what your intuition told you instead of doubting yourself! Nice work. I hope you know how trustworthy you are going forward!
I’m so proud of you for recognizing that you needed time to yourself today and for taking it.
You did a good job relaxing while you were walking the dogs. You also were a rock star in keeping them from pulling you to the back of the forest.
You are such a tender, sweet and caring person. You are very good at loving your family and caring for others.
I can tell you are strained and anxious right now. I super honor you. Is there anything I can do for you?
Oh man, you are doing a great job of thinking massively resentful thoughts. Is there something I can do for you? I know there’s still laundry to do and dishes to wash, but you matter more.
These are just a sample of things I may say to myself at various points in the day. I need to say these lovely, caring things to myself especially on days when I am really tired or feeling anxious or overwhelmed. I’d greatly welcome comments about which of these feels good to you or what you say to yourself that makes you feel good!
Let’s do this! Let’s choose to honor and love ourselves! Let’s choose to be kind to the most important people in our lives, but especially ourselves.
I wrote the words below in May 2019. I often wrote emails to myself, to try to sort out my feelings. Sometimes I find that easier than writing in a journal. I am so humbled to read these words, there I was, so broken after my mom had suddenly died a few months later, but so ready to acknowledge what I needed and craved, and what was holding me back. I honor the me I was then, and then me I am now, and the me I am becoming. As you read this, may it inspire you to love, honor, witness and validate yourself, from the inside out. I honestly think that learning to do this over the past few years is what gave me the strength to recognize my Breaking Point and to find out what was Beyond the Breaking Point. I know I’ll have many more breaking points, and that’s okay. As long as I keep myself company through them, I know I’ll be alright.
With love,
Bradlee
Who am I waiting for?
I often notice myself talking to other people in my head.
It’s like I’m trying to seek help or validation from them regarding my experiences.
While I am grateful to have the help and support of many people, I have a feeling that I am still so desperate to be witnessed, heard, seen and validated.
I’m aware that it may not be a bad thing to want support and validation, but there is something about it that feels like it’s trying to teach me something.
I often imagine myself having conversations with the grief counselor or naturopath that I have been seeing and I’m asking them for their insights on how I’m doing, how I’m feeling and what it all may mean.
As I’m writing this, I’m starting to feel a bit nauseous and teary, so I believe I am on the right path.
I still find it so hard to believe that I am a good person, that I am making healthy and wise choices, that others appreciate me, that I am a beautiful healer, that I am so acutely and wonderfully aware of what is going on within me and that I’m not broken. I do think that is why I have those conversations in my head.
What might I need to feel the greatness I already am and to see how healthy, beautiful, kind, smart, wise and empathically awesome I already am?
Whose approval am I really looking for? Is it from all the people in my life who didn’t have it to give, because they didn’t even know how to appreciate and approve of themselves?
Yes, there is no doubt that the lack of their approval was hurtful and left me seeking so much externally. But I know that there is more.
I know that I am really missing myself and the ability to be a witness to myself, from the inside out.
It’s like I haven’t know how to be grounded within myself and as a result, I’ve been outside myself for a very long time and I’m missing myself.
I want to be grounded. I want to have my own experience of life. I want to develop my inner compass so that I follow its guidance and direction to what is best for me, instead of what I have done for so long, looking outside of myself and at others for answers.
I really feel like I am deeply healing at this time and that it is my time to reclaim my health and vitality on all levels and dimensions of myself and to rise up as the beauty I already am and sing and dance and live boldly and confidently. As I step across the stage of my life into the light, may I give myself the time and patience I need to get stronger within and throughout all of me, so that I may walk as a vortex of light on this planet, pulling in everything that is meant to return home to heaven, for the well-being of all humanity. May all aspects of me be healed, blessed and transformed so that I may live out my life’s purpose in all of its glory.
I wrote this poem in May 2021. I remember sitting and talking to someone as these realizations hit me and I knew I was witnessing my own destruction. I remember writing this and feeling soothed and knowing that I was okay, even as I was being destroyed. I remember knowing that everything, including me, was much more complex, deep and beautiful than I could ever understand and that it was okay that I didn’t understand.
I share this poem from my heart to yours. xoxoxoxo
Destroyed – a poem
Well, here I am.
I have built my life on trying to be a certain way so that I could avoid hurt and pain
And so I could avoid causing hurt and pain to others.
I have exhausted and controlled myself to achieve this and yesterday,
I was destroyed.
I was blown open.
Despite all of my efforts, things are still a mess.
I am still causing hurt and pain
And people will be as they will be.
I get it now.
I am not in charge.
I am not the boss.
I am the destroyed one who thought she could be in charge and who could be the boss.
I see now that I am broken and the only option I have now
Is to have faith and trust in my life’s purpose
That only the universe is the boss of.
I am done.
I am destroyed.
I am broken
And that is exactly the way I should be or I guess it wouldn’t have come to this.
Matt Kahn has this beautiful quote that goes something like this, “in order for me to become who I am destined to become, life couldn’t have happened any other way.”
So here I am, after what feels like lifetimes of trying, atoning, overcoming, exhaustion and panic,
And I am broken open and destroyed, so that must be what was meant to be.
The next steps are to be broken and destroyed and be open to all the inspiration, healing and clarity that surely has more room to do it’s magic.
One moment at a time, I will sit with myself, I will live my life,
And be, not try.
I can envision myself being so vulnerable, so open, so constant and yet in flux,
Which I guess is exactly what a human life is.
Constant, yet in flux.
Broken, yet healed.
Loving, yet with hateful thoughts.
It’s funny because as I write this, I see that I’m not destroyed,
It’s everything that I have thought I am that’s been destroyed and
What is left is me, sitting here within myself,
Naked,
Reborn
and freed.
With every breath I take, may I embrace the destruction of the constructs I thought I was and may the deeper me have more room to emerge.
May the broken concepts and constructs of me continue to dissolve with my utmost admiration, appreciation and respect for the journey we have gone through together
And may my sweet heart and body know I adore them no matter what and that I am here,
In my previous post, I wrote about being at the breaking point. It was a post overflowing with the rawness of emotion I was experiencing at the time. Writing that post gave me courage to be with myself when I was so angry, disappointed and violated. It helped me understand that I didn’t need to know what was coming next, yet.
Here I am a few days later and I am so grateful for this experience. It taught me that I am my own fiercest protector. In the face of disrespectful behavior, I rose up within myself to see it for what it was and to say enough. I was flooded with a whole spectrum of emotions, all of which I was able to embrace as completely valid. I didn’t have my next steps ready, instead I just gave those huge emotions space to breath and to guide me to what was next.
This is new territory for me because in the past, I just micro-managed myself, trying to fit into the mold of who I thought I should be. I’ve been unlearning all of that, and I am learning to live my own life, according to my rules, my beliefs, my values and my feelings. It is a gorgeously transformative process that has been incredibly beautiful, rewarding, and exhausting.
The next morning after writing that post, my next steps became clear. My limits and boundaries had been violated so severely and I was radiating with a giant, booming, “NO MORE,” in the cells of my body. I knew that I owed it to myself to follow those feelings and to make decisions that would allow me to be in a healthier, more respectful environment. In the past, I used to think I had to stay and suffer through it, or try to reason my way through abusive behavior, or make excuses for those being disrespectful. This may be the among the rare times when I heard the “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” scream within me and gave myself permission to act on it. May this be more of my reality going forward (and yours too if this resonates with you).
I’m learning how to be an expert in me, by working towards getting a PhD in Being Me, and I took major steps forward during this experience. It felt holistic and pure and straight from within me. I didn’t look to others to confirm my next steps, I make those decisions from that inner roar and man, it felt so super good.
By Friday evening, I was exhausted and depleted and yesterday too. I know how much energy it takes to learn new ways of being and to follow ones instincts in a world full of advice, fads and ways of being. I rode those waves of exhaustion and made sure to praise myself for following my inner voice, for protecting my innocence, for knowing I was worthy of having my boundaries respected and for taking steps to make sure major boundary violations wouldn’t happen again. I was gentle with myself as I went through this and I am smiling while typing this. It feels very good to be learning to honor myself from the inside out.
If you are in need of gentleness, I support you. I am with you. I haven’t gotten to this place overnight. It has been a life long process, one that has been agonizingly slow at times. It is my hope that in sharing my journey, it will help connect you to what is best for you in your life. I would never dream of making any reader think that they need to do exactly what I am doing. Rather, it is my dream that you, dear reader, may be so full of love, inspiration and hope after visiting this blog that it makes your life easier and gentler.
May you follow the breadcrumbs of light that I am leaving behind as I walk, type and learn to live from my power. May they lead you to your inner voice and power. May you rise up within yourself, in your own way, to live your life from the inside out, in all of your brilliance and authenticity, despite anything you’ve ever been told about what is wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with me. We are beautiful humans, being pushed to the breaking point, so we may see what’s on the other side.
Pssst, I have a secret. I think it’s only freedom, power and greater confidence. Look out world, here we come with songs of hope, torches of light and an abundance of love and healing.
I wrote this poem in 2016-2017. I was having a really hard time bridging what I was learning about spirituality and what I hated about myself. It was through writing this poem and a few others that I realized I was resenting my “humanness” and was trying to rise above it. As I wrote this poem, it taught me a more loving way to embrace all of me. There is a lot of joy, power and possibility in this poem. As you read it, I hope it helps you in some way! Big hugs from me to you!
My humanness is divine – a poem
I feel like I am split in two
right under my heart.
The split came into place
because I judged my humanness
as being less than perfect
as being un-divine.
Maybe it wasn’t me who started that feeling
but I have let it continue within me,
creating a divide and a separation
and an ultimate judgement.
I have strived for perfection and in
doing so, I have pushed down the
qualities that I perceived as being in the way
of this false sense of perfection I was seeking.
I had no idea I was pushing away myself;
that with each judgement, I was creating
a burial ground within me of all that I had
deemed unacceptable and unholy.
It is time for me to unearth my buried self.
It is time for me to reclaim and dig out the passage
between the humanness and the divinity that I am.
I made it impossible for there to be a connection between the human me and the divine me and the lower
half of me has been screaming for my attention for years.
I made it impossible to hear its screams, or at least
I made it possible for me to ignore them.
One step at a time, with a shovel of love, I will unbury and reclaim
all of myself. With open arms, I will welcome me home
to my heart from its prison of hatred and shame.
With apologies and songs of joy I will work, patiently,
humbly and honestly, in order to create an opening within me
so that there can be no more forced burials, only
openness, love, compassion and tenderness.
All that I shoved down is what makes me human.
I am God’s perfect child, as a soul and as a human
and so are we all.
What have you buried within you?
How are its cries for help, for your love and compassion and acceptance
manifesting in your life, in your health and in your body?
Hear the cries my dear friends.
It is time.
Yes, it is scary, but it is time to hear it and to own up to the truth.
You are divine. You can’t hide it anymore.
Your humanness is holy and I am here to tell you that you can’t bury it
anymore. Rise up and walk and open your arms to you.
You are perfect and holy just as you are
and you are your own perfect teacher.
You have been willing to go through all of this just for you.
It can’t be more perfect than that.
Find your shovel and humility, they are right there
Living with chronic fatigue syndrome is sometimes at odds with who I am. I am a big hearted person who loves to connect with others, share hugs, give compassion and acknowledgement and more hugs. Being chronically tired means that I can’t always do that because I don’t have enough physical, energetic or emotional energy to share. I think that is actually the hardest part of it all. The awesome gift in it all is that I have learned to be more discerning. I carefully consider where, when and how to connect with others, so it is really meaningful for me and them.
On Sunday, I got to be a backstage helper at the Kemptville Youth Musical Theatre Company’s production of Matilda. My teen is in the show and it is truly spectacular. I offered to help as a “den mother,” which meant that all I had to do was show up after the performance, help in the dressing rooms, and gently nudge the performers to tidy, put their costumes away and get out of there so everyone could get home to rest or celebrate. I was really tired on Sunday, but I could feel my heart overflowing with love for these youth and the fabulous people who volunteered so many hours to give the youth this incredible, life-building experience. I decided that I was going to go there, tired or not and be me, to the fullest extent of me. I drove to the store, bought healthy juice and granola bars, and then waited excitedly at the theatre for the show to end so I could surround the performers with love, compliments, food and drink.
The amazing Matilda cast!! Photo by Jennifer Boggett Photography
Honestly, seeing them all come backstage after greeting their adoring audience made me overflow and explode with love. I could literally feel myself lighting up that narrow corridor and filling it with love, safety and joy. The performers all had different reactions to my varying exclamations of, “I’m so proud of you, I’m Zara’s mom, I love you all and I brought you snacks and juice instead of being a strict den mother.” It made me feel so good and I could see it uplifting them too.
I am constantly amazed at what happens when I give myself permission to be me, regardless of what other adults around me are doing. I’m 43 and I felt more like my true self in that little hallway than I have in many other situations. I really think the magic ingredient was that I allowed myself to be me, in all of my ridiculous joy, innocence and happiness. It lifted me up for the remainder of the evening and really taught me something really important. I feel my best when I am my authentic self. I definitely got closer to getting a PhD in Being Me that afternoon. Yay for that!
I also want to acknowledge that I was my authentic self while I was showering everyone with lots of love and food, but I didn’t try to hide that I struggle with the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety sometimes. I still had some shy moments and I still had to sit on the floor for a bit to rest. I loved it. I was authentically all of me, no shame, no hiding, no trying to be someone else, I just actually brought all of me and I loved it. I learned to love and appreciate all aspects of me even more during that experience.
May you have many opportunities to witness your glory, no matter how much you may be struggling with certain areas of your life. The ability to shine is so incredible, even for the shortest moments, especially if you are also struggling with overwhelm, despair or turmoil like I do sometimes. No matter where you are at, I honor you. I celebrate you. May you know how special you are and how worthy you are of being seen, heard and witnessed. Every step, no matter how small, counts. And it counts for a lot. There is no rush at the school of PhD in Being Me. There is no curriculum, no set lesson plan. It’s just you, exploring life as you, and learning what makes you feel good, what makes you feel angry or unsafe and adjusting to give yourself more love and support.
Sometimes life is just so disappointing, so much so that one’s heart breaks and it feels like all the good inside has died. This poem is about those types of day. As I wrote it, it felt very sad and angry. As I kept writing, I felt like my shattered innocence was giving me a different way to view those disappointments and shattering. Can you see the shift or feel in the poem too? Xoxoxo
Thanks for reading!
Shattered Innocence – a poem
I greeted today with an open heart and much excitement.
I try to approach every day like that, to be the one who brings love to the world, to the little moments, to every moment.
It gets impossible though when life seems to want to crush that from within me.
When it shares the most horrendous secrets of humanity with me and my innocence shatters and expires before I can even react to protect it.
Humanity seems to have this festering abscess right on it’s heart and it’s wanting to burst open and ooze it’s putrescence over everything.
I want to rage and scream and stop all of the suffering. I want to slap people and tell them to wake up, to stop, to appreciate life, to appreciate the good in it all. To see how much trauma, suffering and awfulness there is and to choose love. To stop spewing vile hatred and to start the healing.
AAAARGHHHHH.
Purest, delicate beauty.
Tender innocence.
Soft, gentle and caring heart.
So perfect, so beautiful and so vulnerable to this world’s vile acts of hatred and suffering.
Oh my tender, tender innocence.
I wish I could protect you better, and wrap you up in a soft blanket, like I would a precious newborn, to keep you safe from all the suffering in this world.
Now that we’ve reconnected, I don’t want to lose you all over again to the darkness and horrendous pain that is spewing out of humanity’s abscess of pain and torture and hatred.
I see it pulsating and getting thinner just as it explodes sending shards of pain, torture and hatred everywhere.
I want to shelter you, protect you and stop this hurting you feel.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Is there any way I can support you better when you are exposed to such negativity, suffering and unconscionable things?
Oh, you want to be tucked into my heart for bedtime?
You’d like me to read you a nice story and remind you of the good in the world?
Okay, precious one, let’s do that. You are so beautiful, resilient and courageous.
Please continue to teach me how to nurture you and look after you when you shatter.
I’m so grateful to learn that the shattering isn’t permanent.
Thank you for teaching me dearest innocence.
Thank you.
After writing this, I felt renewed and ready for the day. Just like this beautiful sun rising up in the morning.
PhD in Being Me 