PhD in Being Me

Tag: personal growth

  • Overwhelmed and angry

    I have really been enjoying feeling angry in the last month. I have a complicated relationship with anger…I used to shove it down….I used to be scared of what I would do if I got angry, so I wouldn’t let myself even feel it. The problem is that it was fermenting and boiling inside of me.

    I am feeling really hopeful because it has been easier for me to feel anger, which is a fabulous step in giving myself permission to feel anger. It also will allow anger to signal to me when there is a problem, which is its beautiful and very important purpose.

    I wrote the following as I was exploring these new feelings. May it help you in connecting with any feelings you have also denied, shut down or shoved down. Thank you for reading. May your heart be light ❤️.

    “Here I am
    Yet again
    Motherf#$&<ng mad and resentful as shit.
    It is overflowing from all over and within me and I hate it.
    I don’t want to feel this way.
    I don’t like it and it doesn’t feel like the way I want to feel.
    But here it is anyway, this anger and resentment is overwhelmingly loud,
    “What about me”
    And
    “Leave me alone” fill my being.
    I can imagine where those loud feelings come from but I still hate them.
    They are valid and completely fair, I just hate them anyway.
    I feel like I become a monster with no limits, just a big gaping maw of anger and
    this scares me.
    I trust myself and I feel incredibly guilty after this crushing wave of anger but I still trust myself.
    I wish I could trust the anger, trust what it is telling me about my needs to rest, put myself first and be still, but sometimes there is still life to live, so how do I balance it all?
    How do I invite more joy in my life without being realistic that I don’t always have energy for those joy bringing activities?
    Hmm, maybe it’s okay to get angry.
    What if I only feel guilty because I think I shouldn’t get angry?
    I love having boundaries. I love feeling them. I love knowing so easily now when one is being crossed and I need to take action.  I f@#$ing love it.
    So…the past 2 times I got angry, my boundaries of what is acceptable behavior were massively violated. And I got angry. I guess what I’d like to do is respond in a way that feels better, less reactive, and more in a way I can feel better about. Like using my anger as a guide and then taking it a step further and using that anger to power a more conscious response instead of a lashing out response. That feels good.  Okay, great. Thanks anger and resentment for teaching me this important lesson.  I really appreciate it.  There are always options, eh?  Xoxoxo”

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Walking Together

    Photo of a pumpkin carved into a heart, with a candle inside.
    My first heart pumpkin, it felt so right to put some love out on Halloween!

    Walking Together – a poem

    Hello my darling one,

    I feel that my whole energy field is jangled and that there is a sensitivity on my skin because my nervous system is all out of whack.

    How can I best help you dearest one? 

    You are so important to me, more than important than anything.

    You matter to me like the Earth needs the sun and rain.

    You matter to me like my inhalations and exhalations.

    There is no me without you and I’m wondering how you are doing?

    This is a really big change, a huge one.  It’s one that used to shatter me into many pieces and it feels like that is happening again.

    Oh, ya?  Is that right? The shattering isn’t necessarily a bad thing?  How is this shattering helping me do you think?

    It’s giving me a chance to align myself differently with the world?  To position myself from a place of confidence and authority, those positions that I have learned about and explored over the past several years?

    Hmmm, that makes sense.  What do you think I need to do to nurture myself during this shattering?

    Breathe in confidence and breathe out doubt.  Breathe in all the beauty that I am and smile for all that I thought I was that is now in millions of pieces on the ground.

    Go outside, lay on the snow and smile and breathe deeply.

    Here I am, I am here.  As beautiful and vulnerable and cute as ever, but with a greater connection to myself and what matters to me.

    Here I am, I am here, regardless of whether our foster dog is anxious, abused and recovering or not.  

    Here I am, I am here, precious, sensitive and in need of care.

    Here I am, breaking the cycles of abuse within me and around me by daring to turn within to nurture myself and be with myself while I am processing, discovering, thriving and struggling. 

    Here I am.

    I am here.

    May I always be here for myself with every breath I take. 

    Note from me about this poem:

    I wrote this poem in December 2022 shortly after we welcomed a new dog into our family. He was a stray dog and he had a lot of anxiety and trauma. I was completely overwhelmed by his needs at first and I wrote this poem to help me process what I was feeling. Lately, life has been giving me opportunities to approach circumstances differently than I used to. I felt very much like this was one of those times, but I wasn’t sure how to approach anything differently. Writing this helped me connect to that fear and overwhelm and gave my maturity a chance to rise up from the scattered pieces of myself to guide me. I love reading this again, it helps me. May we all be blessed with inspiration about how we can best help, guide, and support ourselves! Big hugs!! xoxoxo Bradlee

    A blue sky with the sun hidden by misty clouds low in the sky.
    This photo reminds me of my wisdom and maturity coming up from within me, just like the sun rising above those beautiful clouds. This photo is from a gorgeous morning in Kemptville.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Finding confidence

    An image of a sun rising from over the mountains.
    Photo by Konevi on Pexels.com

    The theme of my last few weeks has been finding confidence.

    Finding my:

    • self-confidence
    • ability to be confident and clear with others
    • inner confidence to live my life like I own it from the inside out.

    The whole purpose of my blog is to share my journey with becoming an expert in being me, and this theme of finding confidence is a big part of me getting a Phd In Being Me.

    In some ways, I am so very confident and capable and in other ways, I am very small, frightened, unsure and easily overwhelmed. I have these parts of me and they each interact with life in different ways. I have experienced both these last few weeks, so the difference between them has been rather eye-opening.

    In December, I had an appointment with a therapist who told me that I am coming into my power after many years of being anxious and disempowered. She told me that it will take some time for me to become more confident and more able to use my voice to speak up more of the time. She also told me to not hit myself over the head with a big 2 by 4 when I’m not able to interact with the world from an empowered, confident place. She asked me to practice being patient with myself; that is something I have reminded myself of often and it really does help.

    Last week, I felt my power and confidence emanating out of me. It was really special and wonderful to feel that way. I remember really finding that confidence during a walk I went on with our dogs. I was initially overwhelmed by how much our dogs were pulling on the leash during a walk. I then remembered that I am in charge and I don’t need to stay stuck in my default of being overpowered. Once I remembered that, my energy changed so much and I felt truly confident. My walk transformed from a battle into one of ease, excitement and enjoyment. It was so eye-opening and inspiring. The dogs can totally feel when I am in my disempowered place versus my empowered place and they respond to me accordingly. I really enjoyed experiencing so much more of my life last week from that empowered and strong place. I felt like I could accomplish anything and that I had a lot more strength within my heart, mind and body.

    This week, I have been feeling more easily overwhelmed and not confident at all. I have bursts of confidence that have come through but it definitely has been only a small portion of the time. It is really fascinating and I’m grateful for how much more loving, patient and compassionate I am with myself now. It seems like I can’t always control whether I can live life from a confident place, but I sure can choose how I respond to the overwhelmed and disempowered parts of me. Lately, I have been telling them how much I love them, how important they are to me and thanking them for coming forward to share their pain with me. That always helps and allows me to give myself the love that I so crave when I’m not at my most confident or empowered.

    It’s funny because if I had written this post last week when I was feeling very confident and empowered, it would have been very different. I guess this is the day I was meant to write it! I will make an effort to write again on a day when I feel super awesome so I can capture the difference.

    With every word you read today, may you bring peace, harmony, unity and love to all the beautiful parts of you, no matter how good or bad they feel.

    Thanks for reading! xoxoxoox

    Bradlee

    ps. I updated my poetry book page with a video of me reading a poem from the book. I invite you to check it out!

  • Some things take time – my first poetry book and a new poem

    Book cover image. Title of book, "From My Heart to Yours, poems to support you in times of grief, loss and transition." Includes image of a beautiful field with the sky and clouds.

    I have been writing poetry for several years now. Writing has helped and guided me through periods of massive personal growth. It has also helped me learn to connect with myself and learn to become an expert in taking care of myself.

    I kept my writing in a drawer for quite awhile. When I slowly and shyly started sharing it with others, I started understanding how powerful my words were. And how they contained so much healing and acceptance.

    I am so grateful to be able to transform my life experiences into poetry; lately I have been feeling the depth of my poetry’s alchemy. I feel its power to help heal, guide and validate others and I am humbled and grateful. And so, I am sharing the exciting news that I have published my first book of poems about grief, loss and transition. I am donating the proceeds to the Beth Donovan Hospice to thank them for all they did for me after my mom passed unexpectedly in February 2019. It is my hope that it brings peace, comfort and healing to all those who need it 💕. I invite you to learn more here:

    Poetry Book

    I offer this new poem in honor of you and all the pain, heartache, grief and loss it has included. It is dedicated to my beautiful friend Carla ❤️. She has inspired me to know that no matter how agonizingly slow my personal growth and ability to self-love have seemed, it is okay. Some things take time.

    Some things take time

    “We don’t judge a fetus in utero for how long it takes until it is ready to be born.
    We don’t rush a flower to hurry up and bloom while the petals are still forming.
    We don’t expect a toddler to write a PhD thesis or to be able to drive a car.

    So why do we rush ourselves through our healing?
    Why do we judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at?

    Some things take time. 
    The exact amount of time until they are ready, not because they are slow, doing anything wrong or broken.
    But just because that’s the amount of time they need.

    If you are frustrated, angry or overwhelmed by the length, depth and breadth of your healing journey, I am with you.
    I have felt like this for the last 10 years.
    What I woke up this morning with is this,
    ‘Some things take time.’
    I feel like there is so much truth in that.

    Maybe if we can be with ourselves and sit in our discomfort and pain, we wouldn’t judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at.
    Maybe if our culture didn’t value doing over being, we would all expect a long period of healing in our lives and we would know that some things take time.
    Whatever the reasons, what matters is this:
    You are valid no matter what is going on in your life.
    You matter even if you have been in a tough spot for what feels like 100 years too long.
    You are a precious treasure even if you feel as worthless as the gum under a school desk or as gross as poop stuck to a shoe.
    You are special even if you have been crying, yelling, grieving, hating or fearing for longer than you ever wanted to.
    With each breath you take today and every day, may all cycles of abuse within your life and those around you be completely healed and resolved.
    With every judgement, may you love yourself more than ever before.
    With every moment you choose to be instead of do, may our societal expectations of value from doing be completely healed and transformed.

    Some things take time.
    You are worthy of all the time you need.
    Breathe in and know, you matter.
    Take your time dear one, take your time.”

    Thanks for reading. I love and honor you exactly as you are. Some things take time, even publishing poetry books, writing blogs, or having the strength to become an expert in yourself. I super get it and I am with you!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved

  • Victimhood

    Photo by Dmitriy Ganin on Pexels.com
    Victimhood - a poem

Hello victimized one

Hello to the one who feels like a perpetual victim

Hello to the one who is waiting to be a victim

Hello to the one who can no longer discern between a threat and a strong personality

Hello to the one who senses that there are additional boundaries to put up but doesn’t know what they are or how to find them

Hello to the one who so desperately wants everything to be okay so they don’t have to feel so unsafe

Hello to the one who wants someone from the outside to be our chief validator, someone who can say “you are doing great” and “you are perfect just the way you are”

Someone to say, “it’s okay if you’ve gained weight, it doesn’t make you any less of a person”

Someone to say “I totally see the good you do each day and yes, sometimes life doesn’t seem fair, and I applaud you anyway”

Someone to say “yes, things about your life suck sometimes and things are quite frustrating”

Someone who says “you are valid even if you feel like shit or feel like an angry raging beast”

Someone who says “I am always with you, I am your eternal companion and witness and you are never alone”

Someone who can gently lift up my chin and turn my gaze towards myself, the beautiful, tender, sensitive one that I am, and who says, you don’t have to look any farther than this, you are loved

Hello you

I see you

I honor you

I love you

I love you through your struggles, through your molting, through your fears, through your internal imprisonment

Rise up my dear one, you really are so committed to your life, to yourself and to getting stronger

May you always hear my voice from within, honoring and praising you  

May you know that I am always with you, loving you, cheering you on and rooting for you

May you feel and know your power
    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    Note about this poem: I have related to life like a victim for as long as I can remember. This poem was my way of owning that perspective and then finding more strength within me than I knew was there.

    To all people who are victims or survivors, I honor you. I see you. I am with you and I love you. May we all rise up and find internal safety and healing. May that safety radiate out from within us to keep us and others safe wherever we walk in our lives.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Incubation

    Have you ever wondered what self-love even means? Or what it is to self-reflect? I know those questions very well, and my answers to them come through writing and being honest vulnerable with myself.

    It is my hope that in sharing this new poem that it inspires you to connect more deeply with the awesomeness you already are. I find the more I connect with myself, the more I am able to answer the questions that arise within me about how to love, care and nurture myself. May you be inspired too 💖.

    Incubation

    Over the last seven years
    I have felt myself slowly dying.
    My muscles have been drained of energy
    Where it has felt like my life force energy wasn't replenishing and I was running on the fumes of life.
    My heart felt encased in rocks and no matter how much I used a chisel, I just never made any progress.
    My interactions with others brought up so much pain and lack of safety.  There was no place within or outside of myself to seek refuge and peace.
    I felt so many of my bodily systems operating at the bare minimum and I could feel myself aging and dying.
    I didn't understand why I was going through this process when so many of my dreams had come true...how could I be suffering and stagnating when I had so many blessings in my life?
    I don't have the answer to this question.
    I just know that I can feel the balance shifting.  I feel more joy and fluidity in my muscles.
    I am being refueled in my muscles, tissues, organs and cells and it is easier to smile.
    I don't feel like I need to hide to seek emotional and physical safety, I feel more ready to be seen.
    The shame, anger, overwhelm, sadness and exhaustion are in the background instead of filling my every breath and thought.
    I see how I have been stewing in the pot of my life's pain, suffering and trauma and there was no escape.  I had to see and feel every ingredient being added to the pot.  I had to bear witness to myself as I witnessed my death and crucifixion at the hands of life, only to be reborn and incubating, patiently waiting for me to process, heal, grow, rest and evolve, all while living life in first gear.
    Is it wrong that I have needed this time?
    No.
    Should it have been faster?
    No.
    Should I have gotten over myself instead of allowing this miraculous but exceptionally difficult time period in my life?
    No.
    Did I hate, resent, fear and reject myself countless times during this time?
    Yes.
    What made me stop doing that?
    Me giving me permission to feel and be exactly as I am, with openness, transparency and a willingness to be seen at my messiest and weakest and to feel within me that I was worthy despite how I was.
    I have been dying and being reborn over and over again.  My destruction and incubation are more complete and I feel ready.
    Ready for what?
    To thrive.
    To share 
    To uplift.
    To support and to give love.
    To me, to you, to our planet and all of her inhabitants who are slowly dying and being reborn in each moment.
    May our deaths and rebirths be miraculous and healing for ourselves and for the well being and evolution of all.  
    With every breath we take, may we see the beauty in our process of healing no matter how long, exhausting or insufferable it is.  
    May you be reminded of your worth no matter how good or shitty you feel.  May you be held from within and outside of you.

    Thanks for reading.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved

  • Giving myself micro-affirmations

    How many times in life do we end up treating ourselves badly? Berating ourselves or beating ourselves up emotionally? How many times have we experienced micro-aggressions from others and from our own selves?

    Today, I learned a new term in my workplace’s course on Harassment and Violence in the Work Place. It really made me stop and take a moment to breathe it in. It made me wonder, how different would my inner life be if I only ever gave myself micro-affirmations? Or if I made it my intention each day to lead with micro-affirmations for myself, for my family, for my colleagues and for everyone I interact with?

    How many of us are in dire need of micro-affirmations? We certainly don’t need micro-aggressions! Here are some examples of kind things I have learned to say and do for myself:

    • “Hey honey, you are a bit tired today. With every breath you take, may you feel more rejuvenated and cared for.”
    • I caress my cheek gently and tell myself that I am a beauty.
    • I dance to a fun song in front of the mirror and give myself compliments like, “you look so great, honey,” or “nice dance moves,” or “you are so beautiful.”
    • I acknowledge the good I’ve done, even if no one else has. I will say something like this to myself, “way to go Bradlee, I’m really proud of you.”
    • If I wake up feeling stiff, tired and sore, I’ll say, “I honor you dearest body. Thank you for everything you do for me. Let’s move around and set a beautiful intention for the day and take it nice and easy.”

    I find that the more I do this for myself, the more I fill myself up, and then naturally, I have more to give to others. The definition of micro-affirmations fits very well into the Phd in Being Me philosophy and I hope it inspires you to give kindness to yourself, and when you’re full enough, to give that to others.

    May you be well and may the hearts of all be filled with the most loving, inclusive and validating micro-affirmations. xoxoox Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Chronic fatigue has taught me to love and accept myself

    At some point in my adolescence, I stopped thinking I was worth it. I believed that I was too sensitive, too much, too sick, too frequently injured, etc. So I just stopped caring about myself. I learned to ignore and push past my needs. I felt very lonely and sad and I really didn’t know what to do about it.

    Here I am, many years later, and I am still me: sensitive, chronically fatigued, anxious, yet full of love, generosity, smiles and kindness. The difference is that I know myself now and I am unlearning all of the ways I used to relate to myself. I see that I’m not too much, I’m actually pretty awesome and I know you are too. It’s my hope that by sharing more about how I’ve been relating to myself lately that it will help you to feel better about yourself, no matter what your circumstances are.

    Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels.com

    I used to be embarrassed to have chronic fatigue syndrome. As I have written in past posts, I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and I just needed to figure it out so I could get better. Lately, I have embraced being honest with myself and others about my medical condition and the massive limitations that come with it. It has been feeling really good to share more about it. In fact, I’m noticing that the more I share about it, the more I can feel my self-worth building. It’s like I’m breaking the cycles of abuse from my earlier years every time I share about myself and ask for extra support.

    I honestly feel that living with chronic fatigue has been what I’ve needed to unshackle myself and to learn that I am worthy of being listened to, cared for, supported and nurtured, both by myself and others. I have been feeling so supported lately and I really feel that it’s because I’ve given myself permission to have chronic fatigue syndrome and to be open about it. Isn’t that a funny concept? That by giving myself permission to actually be how I am has made my life easier and more enjoyable?

    I see that I am making really healthy choices each day for my body, soul and heart, and it’s okay to be exactly where I am at, even if I don’t always like it. I figure that I will keep doing my best to take care of myself and if my chronic fatigue will be healed, awesome. If it won’t in the near future or far future, then that will be awesome too. I’m really at a point where loving and caring for myself is what matters most, instead of just trying to get over myself or my circumstances.

    May this post lighten your load and inspire you about where you may be able to give yourself more permission in your life, including loving and accepting yourself. May you also know how special and wonderful you are, no matter what.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Inspiration from nature

    A photo I took this morning

    Lately I have been looking at nature to be inspired. Sometimes I don’t even try to find inspiration, it’s more like the beauty in nature is calling to me, asking me to be present and witness its beauty. Whenever this happens, I feel renewed, awakened and more alive. I make a special effort to breathe deeply and appreciate the majesty of what I am witnessing. It sures helps take my mind off the busyness of life and any problems I may be having.

    This morning, I was driving my dog Maggie to a dog daycare so she could run around and have fun with other dogs. It was a bit chilly and foggy. I was more thinking of dropping Maggie off and what I was going to eat once I got back home. Then, I followed a curve on my road and I saw such a gorgeous blend of green fields, fog and sun, as you can see from the image above. It completely brought me back to myself and the present moment.

    I dropped Maggie off and excitedly stopped by the side of the road to take more photos.

    A close up of the same field

    The beauty of the sun, field and clouds were really breathtaking. I felt so blessed and privileged to have extra time this morning to take in this gorgeous display. The funny thing was I had been complaining that my car windows were fogging up, but I quickly stopped after seeing these sights.

    From another angle – how spectacular!

    Whenever I feel anxious or rushed inside, I often get an important reset from nature. I love putting my bare feet on the grass, especially when it is cool and dewy. That feeling brings calmness to every part of me, especially if I can walk around for 5 minutes and take in the sights, feelings and smells.

    Sometimes, just looking up at the sky and turning around so I can see it from every angle is exactly what I need. I especially love watching the clouds move across the sky. They are constantly reinventing themselves; it seems like clouds change shape nearly every second. They remind me that I am not supposed to be or feel the same all the time.

    This image shows more of the clouds

    I am grateful for all the lessons I am learning from nature lately. Those lessons allow me to have more realistic expectations of myself as a human and inspire me to be more gentle and compassionate with myself. They also show me how deep, complex and majestic I am in all of my humanity.

    May you see, hear and feel all the ways that nature, Mother Earth and our great Creator love, nurture and inspire us all. Big hugs 💖💖💖.

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • The process of maturing

    Photo by PhotoMIX Company on Pexels.com

    Lately I have been feeling like I am in a process. I also realized that I am not always kind to myself as I go through this process. I don’t think cheese sitting on a shelf to age and become more flavorful judges itself. I also don’t think that little seedlings are hard on themselves before their stems are strong and firm. So, why am I hard on myself for being “in process”? Hmmm…good question.

    The last month I have felt more vulnerable, more buried deep under layers of fog, like I couldn’t quite get to the sun behind the clouds. And for whatever reason, I started feeling like I shouldn’t be feeling that way, like there was something wrong with me for feeling that way. Just yesterday, I started feeling more strong and ready for life and I caught myself wondering what I did wrong over the past month that led me to feeling so unlike myself. I was blown away when I realized I was being quite hard on myself and judgmental too. If I had a friend going through a rough patch, I wouldn’t judge them and expect them to get over it…I hadn’t even been aware I was thinking of myself like that.

    I feel very blessed though, because my heart gave me the image of a little seedling that is planted indoors in the early spring and needs to be hardened off before it can be transplanted to a garden when the last frost has passed. There is nothing wrong with the seedling for needing to harden, it’s just the process it needs to go through. Then I thought about aged cheese, and how there is nothing undelicious about unripened cheese, it just becomes a whole different cheese once it’s been aged long enough. So the next question is, what if all these times of feeling less than ideal are really just times of ripening, maturing and growth in my life and that after those times, I also feel better, more resilient, and more ready for life? I LOVE that idea, especially since it came straight from my heart into my awareness.

    During that month of not feeling quite like myself, I tried cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, I did very light exercises for a few minutes at a time, I spent time outdoors, I rested and I did all kinds of things to show myself I was worth it and to see if I could feel better. None of those were miraculous cures. They all helped me, but none of them fast tracked me through the process I was going through. I think I just had to go through that process to emerge more mature, more resilient, more hardened off and ripened (to come back to my earlier metaphors). How beautiful is that? I don’t need to give up on myself when I’m having a hard time, but I also don’t need to rush the process, because the process is exactly what I need to go through.

    May you be blessed with so much ease, grace and light as you go through your own experiences of the process of maturity!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.