Innocence

As an adult, I was living my life feeling like something was missing. I looked for it everywhere, but I couldn’t find it because I didn’t know what it was. I was a lovely, caring person but I felt unwhole despite the beautiful relationships I had in my life. I was super blessed and should have had every reason to feel grateful, happy and whole.

I went to Sat Nam Fest with my family in 2014 to listen to beautiful music and to be at a yoga retreat. I had never done anything like that before and it was quite the experience. The artists were just hanging out at the retreat in between sets and I had never seen anything like it. They were friendly, happy, smiley and they sang such gorgeous songs that melted some of the pain I was carrying in my heart.

I went down to the washroom on the basement level of the huge complex and I saw one of the performers at the drinking fountain. Her name is Ajeet and her music has been so deeply healing for me. You can check her out here: https://ajeetmusic.com. She was radiating goodness, light and the something that I was missing. I was in awe, but even with it right there in front of me, I still couldn’t name it because it was so lost to me. I said some words to her, she kindly smiled and replied and that was it. I felt like I had had some kind of holy experience, but I didn’t understand it.

A year or so later, she was on tour and she came to Ottawa. I bought a ticket for myself and was super excited. I even bought tickets to participate in a yoga workshop she led before the concert. As I was getting ready for the concert, I finally figured it out. I figured out what it was that she had that I was so dreadfully and painfully aware that I had lost, but hadn’t even been able to name:

Her innocence

Once I figured it out, I was very confused and deeply ashamed. I was ashamed that I had lost my innocence and I hadn’t even been able to put a word to it when I first witnessed it. I was so sad but also so grateful to have figured it out. I wanted to thank her for the huge gift she had given me by living with her innocence on full display. I felt embarrassed though and wasn’t sure how to tell someone about that, so I settled instead with writing it in a card. I very shyly kept it by my side during the concert and I ran up to her at the break and gave it to her, and said something cute like, “umm, I have a card for you.” Then I ran away. It wasn’t necessarily one of my shining moments but it was the best I could do after such a monumental discovery.

I have since reclaimed and reconnected with my innocence. I feel it within me every day. It is very nice. I am a very genuine, cute and sincere person and I can feel how I am leading with that every day. I am so grateful to Ajeet for leading the way and for my innocence that was so willing to resurface and take the lead. May my innocence light the way for others just the way Ajeet’s helped lead me home to mine. Sat naam to you all.

*Sat naam means I am truth and it can be said as a blessing to others, as a small seed that helps others find their truth. You can read about it here: https://www.yogajournal.com/yoga-101/types-of-yoga/kundalini/kundalini-yoga-sat-nam-meaning/

©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.