PhD in Being Me

Tag: healing

  • To the many me’s who came before – a letter

    An art therapy piece with a painting of a young Bradlee with colors all around her and supportive words

    Hey Bradlees!

    You are so very special and important to me.  I am sitting outside as the sun is setting and I thought of writing you all a letter to let you know how awesome you are and have always been.

    You were such a sweet, innocent and excited child.  Sensitive, easily overwhelmed and confused by the ways of the world, but no less precious for it.  From the beginning you were someone who could sense the undercurrent in life and you wanted to help others who felt it like you did. I’m still like that now, I hope you’d be proud of the person I’ve become.

    You really loved being at school – you were good at it and you had such wonderful friends.  All the schools you went to helped you feel like you belonged and you mattered, thank goodness for that.  I remember how in elementary school you would get everyone to sing songs on school trips.  I remember your first kiss with Mark and how the whole school was talking about it.  You were tough when you needed to be, but very soft, caring and sensitive, and confused about how to make things work with friends, with young romances and how to get things right so you could feel safe.

    I remember the heartbreaks of a boy, Chris, choosing Sonia over you.  I remember going to a different high school than my good friends and thinking that meant they didn’t like me any more.  Oh, how young life was confusing, but the truth is, it still is.  I’m 46 and the difference is that I have more experience now, but life is still complex.

    Gosh, so much time has passed.  You’ve had so many incredible opportunities and friendships and some very deeply traumatic times.  Please know that thanks to you, and everything you’ve learned, overcome and experienced, I am the person I am today.  I treaure and appreciate you.  Thank you for everything you went through.  Thanks for all the hard lessons you learned.  Thank you for leading with your values even before you knew that you were. 

    I think of all the me’s who came before and I am grateful for you all.  The one who was exhausted but signed up for a work opportunity anyway, which ended up leading to a 24 year career (with parental and disability breaks) in another city. The me who was so fed up with dating loser guys and signed up for match.com, and found the love of her life.  Well done, you!   The one who trusted her intuition time and time again while parenting, despite all the pressures and advice from many different corners.  The one who knew it was time to apply for disability leave even though she was scared, my goodness, thank you.  

    To the me who recognized how shy she was and decided to perform at an open mic night at a comedy club just to prove to herself that she didn’t need to be shy.  And you killed it!  That was awesome!  To the me who wrote a poetry book about grief to raise money and awareness in her community and loved it so much that she co-created a second book with members of her grief community as a caring resource.  All while being exhausted, but it filled me up in ways that were so so welcomed and needed.  Nicely done!!  

    You have so much to be proud of.  I know things have been hard and it’s easy to focus on that, and this letter is my way of celebrating all the greatness and goodness that has been there through the hard times.  You are so incredible at uplifting others and helping them feel seen, I hope this letter makes you feel the same.  You are very worthy of being seen.  Your words matter.  Your life matters.  You matter, and I love and appreciate you.

    Thank you for getting me to here, I’m so excited for what’s next.  I raise a glass to all the me’s who came before and ask you all to join me in moving forward together, more healed, whole and integrated than ever before.  Here’s to us!

    Xoxoxo, love lots, Bradlee 🌈🩷🌟

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • For days when my symptoms kick my ass

    Tired me

    Well, sometimes my symptoms kick my ass.  And today is one of those days.  To be honest, the last few weeks have felt like this, I am just getting better at letting myself feel shitty instead of trying to overcome and fix everything I experience all the time.  

    I am practicing being with myself when my body is so uncomfortable or when I have racing, catastrophic thoughts, or both.  It’s not super pleasant, but I am enjoying the new strength and resilience I feel at developing these skills.  It sure beats trying to run away from or distract myself 🩷.

    Lately, I’ve been writing about allowing myself to feel what’s going on within me and allowing the symptoms to be there.  Today, I am getting great practice because I am so uncomfortable. All I can really do is acknowledge that this is my reality and be kind to myself.

    I am using some of my tools to see which ones will help me hold space for this discomfort, but not hold it so tight that it can’t move through me and shift if that is what it is going to do.  I am writing this as a way to acknowledge my experience and to soothe myself because writing almost always helps.  But my eyes and head hurt and my cognitive capacity is pretty low, so I am going to keep it short ❤️.

    I have been unwell for quite a while now, but through trauma informed therapy and nervous system rehabilitation, I am learning how to be here, in my body, with myself, while I am unwell.  I am very grateful for that!  I am feeling worse lately, and I almost wonder if that is in part because through allowing myself to be exactly as I am, then I am less in denial about the state of my health.  And that allows me to better sense just how much chronic fatigue syndrome and healing from trauma are a huge part of my life (for now 🤞🏼💝).

    One moment of witnessing my symptoms, one moment of speaking kindly to myself as I weep, and one moment of making a gentle, caring choice at a time.

    May you be blessed with lots of care, a wonderful support system and lots of whatever you need today.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💖💖💖

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Hysteria – emotions, poetry and art

    Befriending my emotions and welcoming them into my life is the more recent step I am taking in my healing journey.  It’s taken me a lot of work, self-care, awareness, time and self-love to get here.  I am so proud of how I’m building connections within myself. 

    When I reach toward uncomfortable feelings and emotions, I feel a bit scared.  These are often super strong emotions that I have done my best, as a coping strategy, to keep separate and shoved down. 

    Creating art to hold my big feelings and the ones that were difficult to even admit to, let alone feel, has been a blessing for me.  It’s been so critical for me in building the capacity to be a witness to myself, my feelings and experiences. Having my feelings contained on a piece of paper has also helped me increase my strength and resilience.  Art has helped me build bridges within myself and helped me to start healing from how much I pushed myself to keep going and working even though I was so sick.  It’s also helping me build trust and greater respect for myself and within myself.

    And so, I am sharing my latest art piece and poem that are a part of my “allowing my feelings” journey.  I sat with my feelings and told them they were allowed to stay and that I would love to understand them, but no pressure. I learned from primaltrust.org that I could visualize my feelings as art as I allow them, and this piece below is what I saw and felt.  A maelstrom of hysteria, surrounded by my light, holding, witnessing and allowing it to whirl, spin and share its messages with me.  I used a typewriter to type out the words I heard within the storm and I inadvertently typed them out in the shape of a tornado.

    A colorful vortex surrounded by bright green and silver light, with a type written poem on the left hand side.

    It’s been very healing to make this art, and to write this post about my feelings.  My hope is that the strength of that inner storm will lessen as I hold space for it and start to understand its needs.

    Thank you for reading my posts and for journeying with me as I work towards being the kindest and most compassionate expert in being me.  Maybe one day I will get my PhD in Being Me 🥰🥰.

    Take care, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Thinking of my emotions like they’re a “check engine” warning

    A photo of the instrument panel on a car dashboard

    Instead of getting all riled up by my feelings, like I was earlier today, I wondered if it would help me to think of them like a little “check engine” light.  Nothing personal, nothing to fix, get over, analyze or heal from, but an indicator that some care is needed.

    If you’ve been reading my posts lately, I have been writing about my changing relationship with my most complex and challenging emotions and feelings.  I am learning how to allow my feelings, how to stay present with them, and to feel them as opposed to focusing on the events from my past that they likely stemmed from.

    So, this metaphor came to me tonight.  What if resentment, for example, is like a “check engine” light or a “check oil” light.  One that reminds me that I need care (not a car service, tee hee).  And that likely I have been sacrificing myself or not meeting my needs.  That seems pretty simple.  I felt some serious resentment over the smallest thing this evening before I realized that the last few weeks have been challenging and I needed rest.  When I thought of it this way, I didn’t feel as angry and resentful, but instead, it was super easy to tell myself I had done more than enough today and that I should lie down and watch TV.  It made a big difference to my experience of those big feelings.  It gave me a bit of separation from them and made me feel mature, grounded and able to take care of myself. 

    This realization helped me acknowledge more deeply that I haven’t been feeling great all week, and that I have been doing an excellent job experimenting with how to care for myself during this stressful week.  It’s easy for me to feel like a victim, and choiceless, but in writing this post and reflecting, I see that through small actions and choices this week, I showed up for myself, even when I got super triggered, exhausted and overwhelmed.

    I am open to exploring those big emotions as a “check engine” light that is here to help me meet my needs in each moment.  Tonight, I need to get into bed early, read and go to sleep!

    Sweet dreams, 🌟♥️🌸, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Getting older

    Photo of Bradlee's left hand
    My 46 year old hand

    I am different lately.  Turning 46 has been a big one for me.  I am no longer a young person, I am closer to 50 than to 40, and I can  tell that I view life differently than the youth I am around.  My skin looks more wrinkly, my face looks older, and my body seems a bit more fragile.

    I don’t think all is lost, but there is some grief for me during this time.  I don’t have a young child anymore, and I won’t be walking down the street holding a tiny hand any longer (not that I have in years).  I see young people who run down the street, so full of life and energy and I mourn the loss of my own youth and energy, although chronic fatigue syndrome plays a big role in that. 

    I look at my precious husband and hope we have so many more years of hand holding, laughing and enjoying each other’s company.  And I wonder how long we will live in our cute little house in the country.  I hope that our son will have his parents around for many, many more years to come.  I look forward to cheering for him as he navigates and explores his life and how best to live it.

    I am not lost in these feelings of grief and hope, rather they seem to flow in and out of my mind as I live my life.  I am not trying to get away from the thoughts because grief and I have become friends over the years, and I know that it is a part of being a human, just as much as joy and love.

    I have had such an amazing life up to now, despite all the hardships and things I could have done without, and the grief I feel honours this.  I couldn’t have asked for a better husband and son, or such a quiet life in the country.  I am so grateful for the innocence that I have within me, the grace and power too, and my big, huge belly laughs.  None of that is over, but so much else feels like it is after turning 46.  My internal suffering is easing slightly as I learn more what I need, and that is such a relief, but it may also be contributing to these feelings of grief.  Who might I be without all this pain, anxiety, loneliness, exhaustion and sadness that I have felt for so long?  I wonder 🌸🌟.

    Well, to the me who came before, the one who is healing, the one who has never needed healing, and the me who is living today and every future day, I say, well done.  You have made it.  No matter what the future holds, I am with you.  Every tear, every fear, every laugh, every wrinkle and every moment has brought me here, and I wouldn’t be me without it all.  Grief and joy, all together, for this opportunity to live this exact life, even though I have tried to resist it and get away from it.  I am here, learning to allow, to feel, to open my heart to it all.

    Big hugs, xoxo ❤️, Bradlee

    Red hearts of different sizes on a black background

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Letting it all out through allowing

    A cliff face with waterfalls

    Sometimes I feel the emotional pressure building up inside me, and I feel this urge to flee the pressure and the feelings.  Sometimes I distract myself.  But sometimes, I am brave and I turn toward it, instead of trying to get rid of it.

    I have this pressure on the left side of my jaw that comes and goes.  I learned recently that I can sit with that pressure and tell it, “I am here.  I want to understand you, not force you or make you go away.  I am here.”  Apparently, when we lean in towards discomfort, it signals to our brain that the uncomfortable sensation is safe and not a threat. 

    That makes a lot of sense to me.  I had done a lot of energy healing work in the early 2010s.  It was incredibly helpful for me in many ways, but it was quite damaging in others.  It ended up teaching me to try to get rid of any feeling in my body that wasn’t “of the light,” so I got scared of the heavy feelings and was always in a rush to do some healing process to get rid of it.  I understand how energy healing (at least the way I was taught) really amplified the lack of safety I already had in my mind and body and made me more anxious.  It also made me feel like I couldn’t be me, as I was, that I needed to keep striving for better and more healing.

    Ah, hindsight, eh?  The good news is I understand myself more now, and I have a greater sense of my needs and what works for me.  So, the idea of turning towards physical and emotional discomfort with care, presence and allowing is very refreshing and exciting for me.

    As a way of preparing myself better for future discomfort and being open and allowing, I am drafting some language I can draw on:

    • I am here for you and with you.  You are welcome here.
    • I am with you and it’s a joy to be with you.
    • I love you and I am here.  Thank you for being here, and thank you for teaching me how to be with you.
    • You are allowed to be here and I would love to get to know you.
    • I am here, is there anything you’d like me to know?

    The important thing for me is not to try to say these things when I need them, but to actually feel curious, caring and compassionate and then offer those words above with those sentiments.  Otherwise, I will just be covertly trying to fix or manage myself instead of giving myself a gift of care, allowing and compassion.  I am going to experiment with this and see if I can truly feel into allowing in my body instead of just trying to do it with my thoughts.

    I look forward to sharing an update in the future. 

    May you be well, and if you’re up for sharing, I’d love to hear what works for you ❤️❤️, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • True Self Proclamation

    Painting with red, yellow and orange flames in the background with a woman in a blue dress with her arms open on top of the flames, with a big YES above her and black hearts all around her.
    Falling into life with open arms and a big yes in my heart

    How beautiful is that image!  Gosh, I love it!  I painted that about a year ago, when I had been processing some big emotions and then I felt so free, like I could say yes to life.  I felt like I was falling deeper into life with my arms wide open and the love was exploding out of me.  It is such a beautiful and compelling visual for me.

    I definitely don’t feel like that every day, not by any means.  I sure would love to, as I remember times in my life where I felt safe to be me and how incrediby liberating it was.  I’ve been through a lot and I’m learning more about the chronic stress response and the impacts of trauma, and my struggles make a lot more sense.  It feels amazing to understand myself more, which is allowing me to relax more into being me with more compassion, kindness and patience.

    I’m part of a program (primaltrust.org) that helps people with chronic illnesses learn about the chronic stress response and how they can take an active role in creating more safety in their body and nervous system.  This past week, I am learning more about brain retraining and how with simple, micro-practices, over time, I should be able to build more safety, instead of mainly feeling, “I am not okay, this isn’t safe, etc.”

    I got really excited about this practice where I get to focus on a “true self” proclamation.  The idea is that I think of a time where I felt the most free, and imagine a world where I have always been supported, always allowed to be me, and completely free to be me, with no limits, boundaries or restrictions.  And then describe what I feel like, in my truest self, in a few words.  The idea is to reconnect with that essence and know that this part of me is what is leading me to greater healing and freedom.

    Aparently by writing it out, speaking out those words, and saying them to myself in the mirror at least once a day can really help me have a stronger foundation for brain retraining.  And it will probably help me feel more confident, even on days where I’m not feeling my best symptom wise.

    I got excited learning about this mini-practice, and the painting above came to mind right away.  I thought it would solidify this exercise for me to write about it on my blog. 

    • I am kind
    • I am compassionate
    • I am powerful
    • I am free
    • I am full of light and love
    • I am strong

    I feel happy thinking of these qualities that are within myself even when I am struggling with symptoms from my physical and mental health struggles.  It makes me feel like I am supported from deep down, and that I am not alone in my life.  If I had done this 15 years ago, I would not have been able to come up with this list by feeling into it.  I was so closed off, so hurt inside and so lonely, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine my true self, or find words to describe it. 

    And so, if you’re there today, I send you a big hug.  Primal Trust encourages people to think of a time when they felt most free or if they can’t find one to make it up for this micro-practice (apparently imagination and visualization are super helpful for brain retraining, I still have more to learn about it before I share anything more).  Wherever you are in this moment is perfectly valid, and I say the same to myself!  We all need to start somewhere, and our journey to healing is unique to each of us, but our humanity unites us and allows us to learn from each other’s experiences. 

    Thanks for reading, may we all get to know our true selves and feel supported by their qualities  🌸🌟🌸💖, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Holding space

    A photo in space, of pink and dark purple matter, with darkness all around.

    Well, here I am.  I really feel like writing, and celebrating the desire to write.

    I went for a cold, sunny sky walk with the dogs and I was filled with so much love and possibilities.  I was given an opportunity to see the extent of the possibilities of my life in spite of my physical and mental health challenges.

    I’ve been learning how to ride the waves of my emotions instead of being pulled into every feeling I have.  I was flooded with fear just when I was passing a wide field with a horse and two cows and a tall tree full of singing birds.  There was no immediate danger that I could see, in fact it was a beautiul scene, but I was terrified.  For the first time, I felt that fear coursing through my body and was able to see the beauty around me.  The horse was peeking around the wall of his shelter and was staring right at me.  I held his eyes and then looked at the cute cows, and knew that I could be okay despite the intense feelings in my body. 

    Slowly but surely, and I mean slowly (!), I am learning how to build up my capacity to feel my feelings, and to be stressed and to know that I am okay despite it all.  I’m also learning how to ride the waves of extreme fatigue that I have with chronic fatigue syndrome and to know that I’ll live through it.  Being exhausted for years has really stressed out every aspect of my beingness.  I am so grateful for my therapists, health care professionals and for the Primal Trust program, which is all about healing from the chronic stress response.

    I’m focusing on celebrating my wins, crying when I need to, knowing that I can create trust within myself as I learn to tend to my nervous system and body in new ways.  It’s taken a lot of tough living for me to get here, and I’m so loved, supported and cared for, so my hope for my future is justified. 

    I’m getting my PhD in Being Me each day that I listen to my body and mind and tune into my needs.  I used to think that if I could do everything perfectly, everything would be fine.  Now I see that it’s more about being who I am, exactly as I am, meeting myself where I’m at, learning, being patient, asking for help and loving myself. 

    I hope that you are inspired by what you need each day to get your very own Phd in Being You, because no one else is you and you are very worthy of caring for yourself and being supported.

    Big hugs!  🌸🌟💖 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Taking the pressure off

    Me, my husband Robbin and Archie the dog

    Honestly, have you ever seen a more relaxed dog?  Archie is such a sweet cutie pie.  I love this photo of him.  It’s not the best photo of Robbin and I, but it sure showcases how relaxed, happy and at ease he is.

    Archie teaches me and reminds me to take the pressure off myself.  I sometimes forgot to be compassionate to myself while I’m on this journey of living with chronic fatigue syndrome.  He is so relaxed, playful and goofy and he helps me get out of the worries for my future just by being his cute self. 

    He doesn’t care if I have chronic fatigue syndrome or not.  He just wants to be pet, walked, played with and fed delicious food.  And so, I thought I’d take the pressure off myself and think about what I want out of daily life.  Maybe that will help me see that chronic fatigue isn’t actually preventing me from having a full life, but more that it’s my beliefs about it that are.

    And so, here it is, what I want out of life:

    • Rest for my tired body
    • Quality time with my husband and son
    • A walk with the dogs
    • Chances to connect with friends and family
    • Mental stimulation from a good book, learning, a puzzle or other games, or a great show/movie
    • Opportunities throughout the day to create safety for my nervous system
    • Preparing and eating delicious food
    • Doing a chore or two for our wonderful home and belongings

    That actually is pretty simple, isn’t it?  I get all of that, every day.  Isn’t that miraculous?  Sometimes it really is just my perception of life with chronic fatigue that colors my experience.  I’ll do my best to remember that!  In fairness to me though, it is difficult to enjoy doing some of these things when I have so little energy or when my other symptoms are super strong.  So some days, even though I get to do the things that make me happiest, it is just hard with how tired I feel.  Okay, good, I’m glad I’m taking a balanced approach with this realization or else I’d just be putting more pressure on myself to enjoy every day, even on days where making a meal is too tiring.

    And so, wherever you are, and whatever life is bringing you in terms of joys and challenges, may you be well, and may it be easy for you to reflect on what is good in your life and give yourself a hug for whatever is hard.  A bit of both is a recipe for compassion, kindness and grace.

    All my best!  Bradlee 🌟💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • My new true north

    A hand holding a compass with a bronze colored lid.

    My inner compass has been re-oriented.

    My focus re-directed.

    My heart opened and filled with what’s been right in front of me all along.

    Here I am, right here, where I have always been.

    My life is not behind me, ahead of me or just around the corner.  It is right here, right now.

    Every bit of my life matters, the mundane, the heart wrenching, the hilarious, the joys, highs and lows and everything in between.

    My story matters, my life matters, exactly as it is.  It won’t be any more important if all of my dreams come true, or if I live my life exactly as it is each moment.

    A significant part of me has thought that if only I could be better, get better, be different, than my life would mean more and would allow me to help more people.

    The truth is, the best thing I can do is to sit down, right here, in the middle of the life I’m living and live it.  Nothing more, nothing less.

    I’ve been the kind of person who loves people easily.  If I’ve made any type of connection with you, chances are I love you and deeply.  It’s a really sweet and admirable quality that I’m only beginning to really appreciate as the precious gift it is, and that I give to others (admittedly, I don’t give this freely to everyone, I’ve become more discerning over the years). 

    I love helping people, making connections with them, holding them, uplifting them and cheering them on.  Over the last several years of ill health, the lack of being able to do that for others has been really hard.  But now I see that it’s truly my time to turn inward and to give all of those gifts that I so easily give to others to my sweetie self.

    My life won’t mean more or have greater value if I get better tomorrow, in a few years, or never.  Each day, I’ll be living my life, hopefully with more presence, gratitude and appreciation since my realizations today, and that will be enough.  My story, my moments, my thoughts, my fears, joys, pain and excitement all add up to make my life.  And what a beautiful life it is.

    We see movies, read books, and compare ourselves to others and wonder, am I doing this right?  Am I enough just as I am?  And today, I am recognizing that I am, just as I am.  I am good enough and I am doing things right, because I am me, no one else. 

    This writing was inspired by listening to the audio book, “The Dutch House,” by Ann Patchett, narrated by Tom Hanks.  The book, which was a Pulizter Prize Finalist, was about ordinary people’s lives.  The whole book.  There was no action, mystery or anything, just a beautifully written and narrated story about some humans, being human and having a human experience.  And somehow, having that story read aloud by Tom Hanks gave it so much more validity and importance.  I hung out with a flawed family and Tom Hanks for 10 hours and my life as I knew it opened, crumbled and I was remade, ready to appreciate all that has happened to me, all that will happen to me and all that I am.  I am so humbled by this book.  It has touched me so deeply I have tears in my eyes as I type this.  This book has helped me find my own true north again and my heart is still feeling tender.  I’m in repair and am re-orienting and I’m so excited to see where my life points me to next.  Even if it’s just to fold the laundry or to rest and heal.

    Thanks so much for reading. May you be well and may you inner compass guide you to discover all the majesty that you are.

    xoxoxo Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.