When things get hard in my life, I feel an internal bracing. My abdomen gets tight, my muscles get more contracted, I start to hunch my shoulders a bit and I prepare for the worst. And to top it all off, I do my best to hold myself and everything to do with those hard circumstances together with my will and my mind.
Phew, that is exhausting. By paying more attention to my body, I’ve been acquainted with how much my physiology adapts to hold everything in and together. I can also recognize that pattern in my mind too. And what happens next is I try to stay ahead of those feelings and those life circumstances to make sure they can’t catch up to me. Or I lock them away so I can’t feel them at all.
These are protective behaviors that have served me well in the past and they helped me get through a lot. But as I learn more tools and about how trauma works, I want to help ease those behaviors and implement the new ways I’m learning to cope with life. Holding it all together is really like trying to dam up a river like in the image at the start of this post. It takes a lot of work to maintain that, and I want to lighten my internal load as much as possible to see if it may lessen my symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome.
And so, with kindness, awareness and compassion, I recognize my protective patterns, breathe deeply into my belly and learn what I need to feel safer as life keeps me on this super fast train of learning through a lot of challenges in a short period of time.
On good days, I see those challenges as opportunities to grow and evolve and choose differently and on more tired days, I feel overwhelmed and pulled under by the demands.
One day at a time, one moment of deep breathing, kind words and self-soothing behaviors at a time. I will loosen my grip, I will release my need to hold tight and I will be compassionate to one who still feels like she needs to hold on through difficulties.
I have been fighting for a long time. I’ve tried writing about my internal fight on this blog for over a year, but it hasn’t been the right time. Likely that’s because I am still learning about that fight, what it means, and how I can turn towards it with care and compassion instead of responding from fear.
My internal fighting feels very loud, confusing and scary. Am I fighting myself? The world? My past? Certain people? All people? My circumstances? My body and mind? Perhaps all of it?
This fighting has also caused a big divide within me, because I don’t want to think of myself as combative. I prefer to focus on the parts of me that I like, such as the funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding parts. But those fighting parts have been necessary. They don’t make me any less funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding. In fact, the internal battle has probably helped me further develop those more loving attributes because I’ve known what it’s like to have to fight to stay safe.
I’m writing this to help myself understand and so it may be a bumpy read, but that’s okay. It’s a bumpy life, isn’t it?
In the brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am learning from, they teach a lot about creating safety and trust by learning to be with your tough symptoms, feelings, sensations. They offer so many teachings that I’ve been slowly absorbing over the last several months, and over time, I’m feeling safer to take in those teachings and apply them to my life. As I apply them, it’s getting easier to know myself, especially aspects that have been too scary to know earlier.
And so this morning, I was feeling exhausted, nervous and unsure, so I sat with one of their practices about allowing what one is feeling to be here. Gosh, it was so nice. I am starting to understand how much I was responding to what I was feeling in my body with a fight or flight response. And this morning, I allowed those sensations, I allowed the fight and lack of safety to be there, and I witnessed it all. It was about a few minutes, and then I flipped to one of their teachings about the nervous system that I had been avoiding and it really helped me be so much more accepting of where I’m at. And that gives me more hope for my day to day life.
Side note: If you’re curious about the program or have any questions, feel free to write a comment or you can message me directly through my contact page. I learned about the program from the functional medicine specialist who is helping me with chronic fatigue syndrome.
End note: I am learning to respect that internal fight and maybe through allowing and witnessing my internal battle, I will cultivate more peace, safety and ease in my mind, body, heart and soul. Yes, that feels nice. May it be so, for me, for you and for the world.
It’s easy for me to get caught up in the day to day and lose sight of my growth and healing. I have been off work for a year and a half to take care of my physical and mental health. I recognize that I am not well enough to work, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t healed, grown and rested during this time.
If I have a tough day with big time symptoms or fatigue, it’s even easier for me to forget how far I have already come. And so today, I am acknowledging and celebrating my wins. They are very important, even if my life can still be difficult.
The brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am participating in is helping me. When I first started in November, I was so triggered reading the materials and watching the videos, so I took very baby steps. My capacity for learning, doing the exercises and holding space for myself has hugely increased. Yay! I am still going slow and checking in with my body, and that feels really healthy. It’s one way I am working on my PhD in Being Me, tuning in to myself and my needs instead of rushing to complete the next training level if I am not ready.
I am getting better at making choices that honour where I am with chronic fatigue syndrome instead of forcing myself onwards when I know it will negatively impact me.
I am better able to tell when I need to speak up about a boundary or if my boundaries have been violated.
I feel less choiceless in my every day life.
I am more compassionate with myself and others.
I am feeling less responsible for the world and the people I care about.
I really like doing somatic work, and I get a lot of ease and relief when I do it.
I can sometimes notice when I am dissociated, numb, or frozen and can give myself extra love.
I better understand different feelings in my body and what they are signaling. I am also learning to ride through the panic I feel when the toughest ones arise. I did that yesterday with a tool and gosh, it helped so much.
I am able to put the tools aside and just be as I am, like today 💕.
My plan is to publish posts about some helpful tools I have been learning about and strategies I am figuring out for myself. I hope these future posts empower me and any reader who may benefit. Life can be beautiful, but challenging, and I love learning about ways to navigate the challenges in healthier ways 🌸🌸.
Thanks for reading, may you be well and may your intuition be strong and clear to support you!
Me and my new style of art with ferns, Ferns in Northern Lights, with a loving message at the bottom.
I have been stressed lately. More like STRESSED lately. A few upsetting things happened all at once, and they all had elements of uncertainty. Because I have chronic fatigue syndrome and a form of PTSD, any bit of stress really exhausts me and throws my tiny sliver of balance right off.
The more I’ve learned about trauma, the more I can feel, notice and see the impacts that stress has on my physical health. I have also learned that some of the ways that I’ve been coping with stress and difficult situations have had a negative impact on my health.
I realized yesterday that I could use this latest batch of life events as a way to practice using my new tools and awareness from therapy and the Primal Trust program I am following.
When I was talking to my therapist last week, she was so compassionate and helped me understand just how much I was dealing with. That made it safer for me to get to know some of my feelings, instead of keeping them locked away and compartmentalized for another time. I hadn’t even realized I was doing that. What started out as an amazing protective strategy that has helped me through many challenges is now going to keep me sick and make me sicker because it’s keeping the stress alarm ringing in my body.
My therapist asked me several questions to ask my belly, where I was experiencing the most discomfort. That gave me a chance to tune in, listen and give myself the gift of my own presence. It was really nurturing and it freed up the emotions to flow. I was really scared and I got to actually feel it, as opposed to being disassociated with my feelings. It was very healing.
That was a week ago. The last few days, I noticed that I was ahead of myself. I could literally feel my energy in front of my body instead of in it. I wasn’t sure what to do about it, but I recognized it was another protective strategy keeping me out of my body so I didn’t have to feel everything that was so scary and upsetting. I knew I needed to try something different, so I sketched out what I was doing. It was helpful to see a visual of it.
My sketches of what I was feeling inside as I explored how to handle the new challenges and the emotions they brought up
After I sketched these, I had a good cry and I talked to my husband about how I needed to experiment to find healthier ways to take care of myself through this latest challenge. That was helpful too.
This morning, I started at page 1 of my Primal Trust 40 day “Daily Regulate” program, and it helped me so much. Sometimes starting back at the beginning gives me a chance to see the same material from a new place and from a different perspective.
The first day is about the chronic stress response and how to address the nervous system instead of focusing on symptoms. It teaches about closing the eyes, putting a hand on the heart and asking questions like, “what am I feeling inside my body right now?” and “what am I thinking about that.”
I started my morning with this practice and I started crying right away after reading the first question. It was such a relief to read that question and to know that it was an important step in identifying my needs and feelings. It gave me a chance to tune in and be present with myself.
I think it was such a powerful practice because I was out of my body or my feelings were out of reach and the first question brought my awareness right into my body. It feels good to use this latest challenge as a chance to do things differently, to treat myself with more care, compassion and kindness and to ask for greater help and support as I go through this time.
Inhale. Ahhhh, exhale. Yes, I can do this. It will still be hard, but it will be easier as I take care of myself in new ways instead of just reacting from old stress patterns.
There is so much potential growth and healing in challenges, like creating new art that helps me process my emotions. The fern below is called Anxiety. It was painted with colors that I associate with nausea and being twisted up in knots inside. And it’s spiky because I used a rough brush and I love how rough the parts are outside of the fern. And the hollowness of the fern echoes that emptiness that can come inside from feeling overwhelmed by life.
And so, there it is. A chance for me to do things differently. To take care of myself. To connect with my body. To externalize my feelings through my words, art and asking for help. To know that I am worthy of taking care of myself and that it’s okay to feel scared and physically uncomfortable. I can be there for myself. Each day will be different, but even small efforts will make an impact.
I wish you so well and may you connect with what helps you through life’s challenges. Big hugs and thanks for reading, 💕💕 Bradlee
The echoes from my past are here, calling to me, echoing.
Keep yourself small.
Don’t do anything that can get you hurt.
Change your behavior at the smallest signs of irritation from the person you are with.
Keep your anger down, it’s not safe to show it.
On and on they echo, reverberating within me, reminding me of what I have survived and trying to protect me from that in the here and now.
Those echoes have served an important role in my life. Without them, I may not have made choices that have kept me safe. But with them, I have also been living in the past, and making decisions from that past that may not be necessary in my life today.
I’ve been learning more about the living legacy of trauma and how the story or narrative of a person’s trauma is alive in their nervous system and body. The nervous system remembers traumatic events and works to protect from similar events in the present.
My therapist has gently guided me to this understanding over the last 2 years and it’s taken that long for me to even feel safe enough to recognize the teachings and not feel triggered by them. She has helped me understand that my current circumstances are very different and safe and that my “trauma narrative” will always try to keep me safe, even when I’m already safe and cozy.
And so, this morning, I heard these angry, irritable thoughts in my mind, and I thought of them as echoes. Those thoughts were trying to protect me from my past, which really didn’t match with what I knew to be true this morning.
They were calling to me, echoing, and I recognized that my true self’s voice, the one I have been cultivating, nurturing and caring for, is getting stronger. And that strength helped me stay separate from those echoes and rest in what I know to be true within me today. It was a very simple, but powerful moment of liberation.
Those echoes helped me realize how far I have come, and that even though they may always be echoing, maybe they’ll get quieter and the voice of my present self will continue to get louder, more confident, secure and grounded in my present.
I love learning about trauma. It’s been a scary and intense journey to face and acknowledge the pain I have experienced and lived through. It’s also been liberating to learn how the nervous system works, what an incredible job it’s done for me and how I can work with it to create a greater sense of safety in my present.
Thank you echoes, thank you to my past, thank you to all the incredible people who have and continue, to love, support, care for and uplift me. You’ve all played a role in me having this realization this morning. Thank you for being a part of my life.
With lots of gratitude and appreciation for where I have been and where I am going and for you for witnessing my journey 🩷🩷🩷, Bradlee
You are so very special and important to me. I am sitting outside as the sun is setting and I thought of writing you all a letter to let you know how awesome you are and have always been.
You were such a sweet, innocent and excited child. Sensitive, easily overwhelmed and confused by the ways of the world, but no less precious for it. From the beginning you were someone who could sense the undercurrent in life and you wanted to help others who felt it like you did. I’m still like that now, I hope you’d be proud of the person I’ve become.
You really loved being at school – you were good at it and you had such wonderful friends. All the schools you went to helped you feel like you belonged and you mattered, thank goodness for that. I remember how in elementary school you would get everyone to sing songs on school trips. I remember your first kiss with Mark and how the whole school was talking about it. You were tough when you needed to be, but very soft, caring and sensitive, and confused about how to make things work with friends, with young romances and how to get things right so you could feel safe.
I remember the heartbreaks of a boy, Chris, choosing Sonia over you. I remember going to a different high school than my good friends and thinking that meant they didn’t like me any more. Oh, how young life was confusing, but the truth is, it still is. I’m 46 and the difference is that I have more experience now, but life is still complex.
Gosh, so much time has passed. You’ve had so many incredible opportunities and friendships and some very deeply traumatic times. Please know that thanks to you, and everything you’ve learned, overcome and experienced, I am the person I am today. I treaure and appreciate you. Thank you for everything you went through. Thanks for all the hard lessons you learned. Thank you for leading with your values even before you knew that you were.
I think of all the me’s who came before and I am grateful for you all. The one who was exhausted but signed up for a work opportunity anyway, which ended up leading to a 24 year career (with parental and disability breaks) in another city. The me who was so fed up with dating loser guys and signed up for match.com, and found the love of her life. Well done, you! The one who trusted her intuition time and time again while parenting, despite all the pressures and advice from many different corners. The one who knew it was time to apply for disability leave even though she was scared, my goodness, thank you.
To the me who recognized how shy she was and decided to perform at an open mic night at a comedy club just to prove to herself that she didn’t need to be shy. And you killed it! That was awesome! To the me who wrote a poetry book about grief to raise money and awareness in her community and loved it so much that she co-created a second book with members of her grief community as a caring resource. All while being exhausted, but it filled me up in ways that were so so welcomed and needed. Nicely done!!
You have so much to be proud of. I know things have been hard and it’s easy to focus on that, and this letter is my way of celebrating all the greatness and goodness that has been there through the hard times. You are so incredible at uplifting others and helping them feel seen, I hope this letter makes you feel the same. You are very worthy of being seen. Your words matter. Your life matters. You matter, and I love and appreciate you.
Thank you for getting me to here, I’m so excited for what’s next. I raise a glass to all the me’s who came before and ask you all to join me in moving forward together, more healed, whole and integrated than ever before. Here’s to us!
Well, sometimes my symptoms kick my ass. And today is one of those days. To be honest, the last few weeks have felt like this, I am just getting better at letting myself feel shitty instead of trying to overcome and fix everything I experience all the time.
I am practicing being with myself when my body is so uncomfortable or when I have racing, catastrophic thoughts, or both. It’s not super pleasant, but I am enjoying the new strength and resilience I feel at developing these skills. It sure beats trying to run away from or distract myself 🩷.
Lately, I’ve been writing about allowing myself to feel what’s going on within me and allowing the symptoms to be there. Today, I am getting great practice because I am so uncomfortable. All I can really do is acknowledge that this is my reality and be kind to myself.
I am using some of my tools to see which ones will help me hold space for this discomfort, but not hold it so tight that it can’t move through me and shift if that is what it is going to do. I am writing this as a way to acknowledge my experience and to soothe myself because writing almost always helps. But my eyes and head hurt and my cognitive capacity is pretty low, so I am going to keep it short ❤️.
I have been unwell for quite a while now, but through trauma informed therapy and nervous system rehabilitation, I am learning how to be here, in my body, with myself, while I am unwell. I am very grateful for that! I am feeling worse lately, and I almost wonder if that is in part because through allowing myself to be exactly as I am, then I am less in denial about the state of my health. And that allows me to better sense just how much chronic fatigue syndrome and healing from trauma are a huge part of my life (for now 🤞🏼💝).
One moment of witnessing my symptoms, one moment of speaking kindly to myself as I weep, and one moment of making a gentle, caring choice at a time.
May you be blessed with lots of care, a wonderful support system and lots of whatever you need today.
Befriending my emotions and welcoming them into my life is the more recent step I am taking in my healing journey. It’s taken me a lot of work, self-care, awareness, time and self-love to get here. I am so proud of how I’m building connections within myself.
When I reach toward uncomfortable feelings and emotions, I feel a bit scared. These are often super strong emotions that I have done my best, as a coping strategy, to keep separate and shoved down.
Creating art to hold my big feelings and the ones that were difficult to even admit to, let alone feel, has been a blessing for me. It’s been so critical for me in building the capacity to be a witness to myself, my feelings and experiences. Having my feelings contained on a piece of paper has also helped me increase my strength and resilience. Art has helped me build bridges within myself and helped me to start healing from how much I pushed myself to keep going and working even though I was so sick. It’s also helping me build trust and greater respect for myself and within myself.
And so, I am sharing my latest art piece and poem that are a part of my “allowing my feelings” journey. I sat with my feelings and told them they were allowed to stay and that I would love to understand them, but no pressure. I learned from primaltrust.org that I could visualize my feelings as art as I allow them, and this piece below is what I saw and felt. A maelstrom of hysteria, surrounded by my light, holding, witnessing and allowing it to whirl, spin and share its messages with me. I used a typewriter to type out the words I heard within the storm and I inadvertently typed them out in the shape of a tornado.
It’s been very healing to make this art, and to write this post about my feelings. My hope is that the strength of that inner storm will lessen as I hold space for it and start to understand its needs.
Thank you for reading my posts and for journeying with me as I work towards being the kindest and most compassionate expert in being me. Maybe one day I will get my PhD in Being Me 🥰🥰.
Instead of getting all riled up by my feelings, like I was earlier today, I wondered if it would help me to think of them like a little “check engine” light. Nothing personal, nothing to fix, get over, analyze or heal from, but an indicator that some care is needed.
If you’ve been reading my posts lately, I have been writing about my changing relationship with my most complex and challenging emotions and feelings. I am learning how to allow my feelings, how to stay present with them, and to feel them as opposed to focusing on the events from my past that they likely stemmed from.
So, this metaphor came to me tonight. What if resentment, for example, is like a “check engine” light or a “check oil” light. One that reminds me that I need care (not a car service, tee hee). And that likely I have been sacrificing myself or not meeting my needs. That seems pretty simple. I felt some serious resentment over the smallest thing this evening before I realized that the last few weeks have been challenging and I needed rest. When I thought of it this way, I didn’t feel as angry and resentful, but instead, it was super easy to tell myself I had done more than enough today and that I should lie down and watch TV. It made a big difference to my experience of those big feelings. It gave me a bit of separation from them and made me feel mature, grounded and able to take care of myself.
This realization helped me acknowledge more deeply that I haven’t been feeling great all week, and that I have been doing an excellent job experimenting with how to care for myself during this stressful week. It’s easy for me to feel like a victim, and choiceless, but in writing this post and reflecting, I see that through small actions and choices this week, I showed up for myself, even when I got super triggered, exhausted and overwhelmed.
I am open to exploring those big emotions as a “check engine” light that is here to help me meet my needs in each moment. Tonight, I need to get into bed early, read and go to sleep!
I am different lately. Turning 46 has been a big one for me. I am no longer a young person, I am closer to 50 than to 40, and I can tell that I view life differently than the youth I am around. My skin looks more wrinkly, my face looks older, and my body seems a bit more fragile.
I don’t think all is lost, but there is some grief for me during this time. I don’t have a young child anymore, and I won’t be walking down the street holding a tiny hand any longer (not that I have in years). I see young people who run down the street, so full of life and energy and I mourn the loss of my own youth and energy, although chronic fatigue syndrome plays a big role in that.
I look at my precious husband and hope we have so many more years of hand holding, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. And I wonder how long we will live in our cute little house in the country. I hope that our son will have his parents around for many, many more years to come. I look forward to cheering for him as he navigates and explores his life and how best to live it.
I am not lost in these feelings of grief and hope, rather they seem to flow in and out of my mind as I live my life. I am not trying to get away from the thoughts because grief and I have become friends over the years, and I know that it is a part of being a human, just as much as joy and love.
I have had such an amazing life up to now, despite all the hardships and things I could have done without, and the grief I feel honours this. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband and son, or such a quiet life in the country. I am so grateful for the innocence that I have within me, the grace and power too, and my big, huge belly laughs. None of that is over, but so much else feels like it is after turning 46. My internal suffering is easing slightly as I learn more what I need, and that is such a relief, but it may also be contributing to these feelings of grief. Who might I be without all this pain, anxiety, loneliness, exhaustion and sadness that I have felt for so long? I wonder 🌸🌟.
Well, to the me who came before, the one who is healing, the one who has never needed healing, and the me who is living today and every future day, I say, well done. You have made it. No matter what the future holds, I am with you. Every tear, every fear, every laugh, every wrinkle and every moment has brought me here, and I wouldn’t be me without it all. Grief and joy, all together, for this opportunity to live this exact life, even though I have tried to resist it and get away from it. I am here, learning to allow, to feel, to open my heart to it all.
PhD in Being Me 