PhD in Being Me

Tag: healing

  • Writing for expression

    Wordson green paper, all torn up
    My feelings expressed on paper, and then torn up

    I have recently learned about the value of writing out the tough feelings I have, without limits or censoring, and then ripping it up.

    I was a bit skeptical at first, but there is something so freeing about writing with no limits until my hand hurts, and feeling all the emotion pouring out onto the page.  The tearing and ripping part is extremely satisfying too.

    I’m seeing a nurse practitioner who is a functional medicine specialist and she said that it would help me in my healing journey to get my feelings out.  She even said that I may stay sick if I don’t get the feelings out.  I am a very self-aware person and I honestly thought I was processing my feelings and getting them out through the art therapy I am doing.  And there is no doubt I am, but it’s a different type of getting it out to write things I would never be able to say out loud, the deep, dark, really nasty things, and then tearing it up so I can let it go.

    The first time I did it, I had no idea what I was going to write about, but then I just kept writing letter after letter to people who had made me feel uncomfortable, hurt or violated and all these powerful words, feelings and thoughts came right out onto the page.  I’ve probably done it 10 times or more now and it’s always very liberating.  Especially when I swear and say things out loud while I’m ripping the papers.  I even brought some of the paper scraps outside a few weeks ago and burned them, all while loudly cursing, and letting other words flow out and then I stomped on the ashes.  Oh ya, that was pretty damn satisfying.

    It’s funny, because I’m a nice, gentle and caring person, but I also have a fierce, and powerful part of me, and that part came out and took the lead in helping me express these emotions that I banished to deep parts of myself because they weren’t “nice” enough to acknowledge.  Well, now I am acknowledging them and it feels good.  I feel like my power was lost when I hid those deep and dark feelings away, or maybe it just took a lot of power to keep those feelings locked deep inside me.  I’m not sure, but writing, ripping and tearing is helping me access them.  My art therapist was very supportive of the approach too, so the technique has the backing of a few health care professionals, which is neat!

    Are there some scary or stagnant feelings that you want to let out and move on from?  If so, you can consider if you’d like to give this a try.  If you have lots of unprocessed trauma or trauma that you are processing, you may want to do it close to an appointment with a therapist or other mental health care professional or with a close condfidante so you can have any support if triggering feelings or situations come up in your writing. 

    I find doing some gentle things after writing helps, like putting my hand on my heart and taking a few deep breaths and telling myself that I am here, or doing some havening, which is deeply comforting.  Havening is when you use your hands to gently rub your legs or your arms.  It may be other things too, but that’s what I’ve learned so far from how far I’ve gotten in my Primal Trust program.  Here’s a video of me doing the havening that I learned.  My cutie husband stands up at the end, so you may get a glimpse of him :).

    I am really enjoying learning new ways of taking care of myself.  May you be inspired about the best ways for taking care of yourself and may we all remember that we are very worthy of healing, even if it’s been a long, long journey, like mine.

    All my best wishes to you, 💕💕💕 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Space for everyone

    The Grand Canyon in Arizona


    Sometimes I catch myself blaming someone for how I feel.  Then I realize, maybe there is enough space for me and that other person to both be having a hard time.  I think, “maybe it doesn’t have to be all or nothing,” or “you versus me.” 


    I’ve been experimenting with the idea that life is so much more than binary.  So so much more.  And so, if everything is on a spectrum, doesn’t that mean that there is enough space for everyone to be themselves, exactly as they are?


    What if me and someone else are both suffering at the same time?  I am not taking up space that prevents them from suffering. Our mutual suffering doesn’t negate or cancel the other’s experience.  So, isn’t there enough space for both experiences to exist and be valid?


    My identity and my experience of life doesn’t take away from the experiences of those who are physically and mentally healthy.  My experience and the rawness that I share about it may make some people uncomfortable but it can never take away the space and right for them to live their life or for me to process mine.


    This realization makes me feel a lot more compassion for the experiences others go through.  There isn’t a scarcity of space for the human experience, so why do we act like there is?  Why do we think only some ways of being a human are acceptable, when we can’t cancel or negate the space that exists for everyone.  But we can and have created and promulgated so many systems of oppression that remove space and validity from certain groups of people and make it so their very existence is criminal, threatening, and wrong.  But it’s not. 

    The main things wrong are how our society is structured on scarcity of space, blaminh, fearing and shaming others, and the incessant need to prevent discomfort instead of leaning in to connect with others who have different experiences to learn, share and grow together. Today, I am feeling like we can lift the veil and see more clearly how much space there is for the whole gorgeous expanse and variety of the human existence.


    In our increasingly hate filled and divisive world, please know that there is space for all of us.  In our hearts, we know this.  The world is big enough for us all, if only we can put down our need to shame, blame, separate and “other” people.  It is time to stand in our hearts, breathe deeply and create a world where there is space for everyone, but no space for bigotry, racism, discrimination, ableism, transphobia, homophobia, hatred, misinformation and war. 


    In my heart, there is space for everyone. Will you join me in holding space for this beautiful world, where there is space for everyone and no one feels threatened by people living their lives authentically?  I hope so 🥰.  Thanks for reading my thoughts.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Boundaries

    Double rainbow over a wide grassy plain

    I am exploring boundaries in therapy and in my daily life.  I have heard about boundaries a lot over the years, but hadn’t done a big exploration of what they are and aren’t in my life, why I need them and how they can help.

    So far, I have identified what it feels like when:

    • My boundaries are violated
    • I don’t know what my boundaries are
    • I constantly have to defend and protect myself
    • I don’t feel safe or worthy to have boundaries.

    These are important steps for me.  Recognizing these feelings and realities is hard, but an important step in healing and understanding what I need going forward.

    As a part of this, I am taking a look at my life’s bigger picture so I can make healthier decisions for myself.  My art therapist had suggested that I look at the emotional, mental, physical, social and spiritual big picture of my life so I can evaluate where I need to put more care.

    She gave me a resource document with different questions to prompt my exploration of my bigger picture.  I had a great time!  I hadn’t realized how narrow of a focus I had until I started.  And…it made me feel more empowered, which was tremendous.  It helped me realize how unwell and sick I am and how it is important for me to keep learning new ways to take care of my physical and mental health.

    I started the work at home, and then continued it by the Rideau River, which was inspiring and calming 💖.

    View of the Rideau River, with geese!
    My view sitting by the Rideau River
    Bradlee's red boots and legs with rocks at her feet
    My feet, legs and notebook!
    Bradlee's notebook with rocks all around
    The rocks and my self care, big picture chart

    Wherever you are in your health journey and life, I send you lots of care and smiles. I am taking it one day at a time and its okay if you need to too.  Big hugs and lots of care,

    Bradlee 💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Oversharing?

    12 hands in a circle

    Last week, I was buying some dog treats from a local boutique pet shop.  They are so friendly and they have a great variety of unique treats.  I was having a nice exchange with the two people at the cash and one of them said they often overshare and that they’d stop talking now.  I laughed and said, “I am great at oversharing, do you want to hear about my therapy appointment from this morning?”

    After that, we had a super open, vulnerable, and honest exchange about life’s ups and downs, which local therapists we recommend, how helpful therapy is, about our kids, university, and more.  I left the shop with my heart full and happy, and I wondered, was that oversharing or just sharing?

    I reflected to my son that what we shared and talked about could only be considered oversharing in a society such as ours, where we keep all our feelings and hardships locked inside.  What kind of a world would it be if we openly talked about our feelings and were taught how to validate our feelings and those of others?  Imagine if we were taught how to hold space for each other instead of falling back on judging, competing, and criticizing one another?  Gosh, that would be so so blissful.

    What do you think more open sharing would change in your world, life or home?  What do you wish people talked about more?

    With every breath we take today, may we anchor blessings of greater emotional and physical safety for all those who want to open up and share more and all the best supports possible as they uncover any hurts 💖💖💖.

    With care and hugs, Bradlee ✨️✨️❤️♥️

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Needing translation

    A meadow with wispy clouds in a blue sky

    Through art therapy, I’ve been learning how to translate my feelings into art.  Doing this makes them much less scary, and more understandable. It’s also helped me feel more compassion for myself.

    Today, I felt, saw and located a certain emotion in my body.  It was very intense and one I have suppressed for a long time.  I had become an expert in shoving that feeling down whenever it tried to emerge.  Well, I thought I was an expert at it.  The truth is that I was spending a lot of time and energy trying to contain a part of me that just needed love.  I understand why I did that and how that behavior was necessary for a long time.  Today though, I turned to face it and said, “hey, I am sorry for pushing you down.  I am here now, how can I help?”

    I started to hear about that part’s pain, what words it was screaming and I got insights into all the times I felt that way.  That part of me was needing translation.  It needed me to be brave, to take the uncomfortable feelings and sensations and hold space for them to be translated into something very tangible and relatable.

    A rose quartz on a marble table.

    My hurt was transformed from scary, alien, and evil to vulnerable, hurting, and very, very worthy.  I feel softer inside and better able to help myself going forward.  That feels like a significant step towards getting a PhD in Being Me. I am so incredibly grateful for the connection I made with myself today and I look forward to learning more and developing a deeper relationship with that part of myself 💕💕.

    No matter where you are in life, may you be blessed with serenity, peace, courage, all the support you need and more.  With every breath we take, may we anchor blessings for greater unity and harmony within ourselves and among all beings.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💕💕💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • Feeling connected

    Hand reaching out to the night sky

    Last week, I felt deeply connected to humanity, the planet, and life itself.  I could sense the web of connectedness that links us all together, no matter where we live, and it was profound.

    I hadn’t felt that connection in quite some time.  I remember feeling like that quite often for a few years, and it gave my life a magical and spiritual dimension that I have deeply missed.  The more tired I got, the harder it was to access that connection within and around me.  So much so, that I have felt like I have been missing an important element of my life.

    But then, I was at the grocery store, and I could feel my inner light expanding.  I had a beautiful and fun exchange with an employee, and I felt my sense of connectedness grow.  I smiled at the people shopping and working, and I rejoiced at the return of this important part of me and my life.  The part that knows I am okay no matter what and that I have lots to share despite having chronic fatigue syndrome.

    What amazes me is I reconnected to that part of me through the work I am doing to heal trauma and my nervous system.  I have been learning to call forward the qualities of my deepest self, so I can be a balm to my own wounds, and so I can build trust within myself.  The best part is that I can feel it working.  I still get pulled in extreme directions when triggered, but I am learning to be my own safe space.  I imagine that it will get easier to calm, nurture and support myself as I go on. 

    My greatest desire is to be able to put a hand on my heart, reassure myself, bring myself back to the present, and feel integrated, healed and whole.  I am excited to be able to smile more as I remember the depth of who I am and all I am capable of, and to honour the growth that has come from all that I have survived.

    Thank you to all the people in my life who love me and encourage me, and who remind me how special I am and I am worthy of compassion from myself and others.  I am so grateful for all of you, Robbin, Vale, David 1, Georgette, Carla, Susan, Sonia, Tanya, Jenny, Sandie, David 2, Katie, Patricia, Megan, Nadine, Daniel 1, Tamara, Darren, Katy, Eugene, Raye, Lisa, Romeo, Venezia, Teegan, Greysen, Jen, Markes, Daniel 2, Natalie, Jana, Gavin, Nancy, Mike, Andrea, Danielle, Kat, Taranum. 

    There are others, but each of those special folks has taught me how worthy I am to take time to heal, to be my excellent self, and that it’s okay to be exactly as I am.

    May everyone reading be blessed with caring and wonderful people in their lives too.  And may we all feel how truly connected we all are.  Big hugs,

    Bradlee 💕💕🌸🌸

    A huge circle made of people holding hands

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Each breath

    An aerial view of a forest

    Lately, I have been wondering more about the purpose of life.  The longer I live, 45 years so far, the more I think it is about breathing each breath, being there, as a companion for myself, while I live my life.

    I have lived through so many moments when I have felt desperately alone or sad.  It used to be so hard to survive those times, like I was drowning, but didn’t know how to ask for help.  Now, I am learning to tap the part of me who feels that way on the shoulder, to say, hey, I’m with you, you aren’t alone.  I did that today, and I felt that part of me relax and notice me.  It was a brief connection, but it made a difference.

    I am unlearning, healing, relearning and repeating it all over again so I can thrive again.  I may have chronic fatigue syndrome for the rest of my life, but if I learn new ways to cope and heal physically and mentally, maybe it’ll be easier to be me going forward. For now, I’ll breathe each breath, turn inward and befriend my most hurt parts and hope for the best.

    May you be well.  Thanks for reading 💕.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Being nourished by my own voice

    An art collage I made early in the new year

    It’s been several months since I have written on my blog.  I’ve been having a tough time and have needed (and continue to need) deep quiet time.

    Just this week, I remembered how nourishing it is for me to read my own words.  I was feeling the nudge to write again, which I haven’t felt for some time.

    Writing gives me a chance to spend time with myself, open up wellsprings of thoughts and feelings, and feel myself healing as I let the words flow from and through me.

    I sometimes start writing with a topic in mind and other times, I can feel some pressure or tension that is seeking liberation, and writing often soothes those feelings.

    Over the last 10 years, I’ve been learning about loving myself and being compassionate with myself.  It’s been incredibly rewarding to make changes in my life towards greater self-love and self-compassion.  Recently though, I discovered how hard I was still being on myself and how judgemental I was being. 

    I have struggled with my physical and mental health for most of my life.  I would describe myself as being at rock bottom this year.  And yet, it’s taken being here, at the bottom, to truly see how deep-rooted my self-judgement has been. 

    I have been doing a lot of work in therapy, including art therapy, and its really teaching me how to become an even safer space for myself.  To acknowledge what I have survived, what I learned as a result, and to have compassion for the scars and the pain I have. 

    Late last week, I started feeling like a failure because I haven’t “cured” myself of my debilitating chronic fatigue syndrome.  I’ve had this thought over and over for years.  Through what I learned in art therapy, I finally saw how judgemental that was of me and I chose to give myself more compassion instead.  It’s been a nice change.

    I know there is a long road ahead for me that requires patience, compassion, rest, love and time.  I am finally starting to feel worthy of giving myself all of that and knowing that my life matters even through this time of rock bottom.

    And so I write.  I create art.  I breathe.  I cry.  I rest.  I hear the whispers of my heart and the forest as they guide me.  I complete my disability paperwork and feel all the tough feelings.  I laugh.  I garden.  I sit.  I mourn.  I decompose and wait to see what grows. 

    Thanks for reading ♥️.

    Bright pink lillies

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • The potato turning point

    Potatoes of all shapes and sizes

    I have a beautiful life.  I have the best family, a safe and cozy home, wonderful friends, and many other incredible blessings.

    At the same time, I am exhausted. I am also mentally exhausted from having chronic fatigue syndrome for several years and from trying to make it all work with such limited energy.

    I have done so much to help myself.  I am always open to healing, lessons, and anything that may help me, like therapy, meditation, breath work, time in nature, art therapy, diets, learning about trauma, etc.  But sometimes, life is like, “How about you cry over potatoes as your next greatest lesson and turning point?”

    This past weekend, there were no cooked potatoes left in the fridge.  I am eating on the Whole30 to help keep inflammation down in my body, and I eat potatoes with most meals.  It was breakfast, I was tired and feeling stressed and there were no potatoes. I felt so sad and so deeply alone.  On the face of it, this makes no sense, but it is the truth.  I was so tired, there were no potatoes, and as a result, I felt so sad and lonely. 

    I was peeling potatoes and cutting them and my lovely husband came in the kitchen and I started crying.  I told him how I was feeling, how tired I was and he helped me cook them.  Being so tired that cooking seems like an impossible task makes me feel sad, but that day, it was my reality.  I am quite strong (and a bit scared to appear weak), so sometimes I just keep going instead of asking for help.  The potatoes were my turning point.  They forced me to share my feelings, be vulnerable, and ask for help.

    A week later, I feel better.  My kid is now in charge of potato cooking, and my husband is going to pick up some groceries on his way hone from work when needed.  It was never really about potatoes, but that humble root vegetable helped me feel more seen and validated as I shared my feelings.

    May the little opportunities to make life better and to create connection over isolation and loneliness be abundant in your life.

    With care and hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • A pause

    A tree with orange leaves on the ground all around it, with mist in the background
    A quiet place among the leaves and mist

    The older I have gotten (I am 44), the more I am giving myself permission to pause.  A pause can mean many things, including:

    • Taking a breath before I respond to a person or a situation
    • Deciding that I will get back to a person instead of answering them right away
    • Prioritizing taking care of myself, even if just for a short while, before working through the items on my to do list.

    Am I an expert at pausing?  Sometimes, and sometimes I rush and feel so much pressure that a pause is the last thing I think about. 

    Learning about me from my experiences is the point of working towards a PhD in Being Me.  I am at the school of me, learning every day about how best to take care of myself and honour myself as I live my life.  And to do this with as much kindness, grace, care and love I can possibly give myself, including giving myself a big or little pause when I need it.

    I have had a very narrow window of tolerance for the last several months as I was very stressed out by my life’s circumstances.  I have included a pdf for those new to the window of tolerance concept or how trauma can influence your window of tolerance (I hope it works!)

    Window of ToleranceDownload

    As I take better care of myself, my window of tolerance is increasing.  With that increase, it is getting easier to notice when a pause would benefit me.

    For example, I was annoyed by my dog’s behavior the other day, and I realized that I had other choices than getting really angry or crying.  Just that realization alone was the pause I needed to access more choices within me.  It was like I saw the overwhelmed and tired parts of myself and honoured them with that pause that allowed me to choose how to respond better. 

    Being off work has allowed me to see how much I was just holding on and coping every day, instead of living and thriving.  I know many of us can relate to those words.  If you can, I send you many big hugs, it sure is tough.  No matter where you are in your life, whether you are thriving or just holding on, may there be many more golden pauses available to you, and lots of love, kindness and peace too. 

    With lots of care 💕, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved