PhD in Being Me

Tag: healing

  • Oversharing?

    12 hands in a circle

    Last week, I was buying some dog treats from a local boutique pet shop.  They are so friendly and they have a great variety of unique treats.  I was having a nice exchange with the two people at the cash and one of them said they often overshare and that they’d stop talking now.  I laughed and said, “I am great at oversharing, do you want to hear about my therapy appointment from this morning?”

    After that, we had a super open, vulnerable, and honest exchange about life’s ups and downs, which local therapists we recommend, how helpful therapy is, about our kids, university, and more.  I left the shop with my heart full and happy, and I wondered, was that oversharing or just sharing?

    I reflected to my son that what we shared and talked about could only be considered oversharing in a society such as ours, where we keep all our feelings and hardships locked inside.  What kind of a world would it be if we openly talked about our feelings and were taught how to validate our feelings and those of others?  Imagine if we were taught how to hold space for each other instead of falling back on judging, competing, and criticizing one another?  Gosh, that would be so so blissful.

    What do you think more open sharing would change in your world, life or home?  What do you wish people talked about more?

    With every breath we take today, may we anchor blessings of greater emotional and physical safety for all those who want to open up and share more and all the best supports possible as they uncover any hurts 💖💖💖.

    With care and hugs, Bradlee ✨️✨️❤️♥️

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Needing translation

    A meadow with wispy clouds in a blue sky

    Through art therapy, I’ve been learning how to translate my feelings into art.  Doing this makes them much less scary, and more understandable. It’s also helped me feel more compassion for myself.

    Today, I felt, saw and located a certain emotion in my body.  It was very intense and one I have suppressed for a long time.  I had become an expert in shoving that feeling down whenever it tried to emerge.  Well, I thought I was an expert at it.  The truth is that I was spending a lot of time and energy trying to contain a part of me that just needed love.  I understand why I did that and how that behavior was necessary for a long time.  Today though, I turned to face it and said, “hey, I am sorry for pushing you down.  I am here now, how can I help?”

    I started to hear about that part’s pain, what words it was screaming and I got insights into all the times I felt that way.  That part of me was needing translation.  It needed me to be brave, to take the uncomfortable feelings and sensations and hold space for them to be translated into something very tangible and relatable.

    A rose quartz on a marble table.

    My hurt was transformed from scary, alien, and evil to vulnerable, hurting, and very, very worthy.  I feel softer inside and better able to help myself going forward.  That feels like a significant step towards getting a PhD in Being Me. I am so incredibly grateful for the connection I made with myself today and I look forward to learning more and developing a deeper relationship with that part of myself 💕💕.

    No matter where you are in life, may you be blessed with serenity, peace, courage, all the support you need and more.  With every breath we take, may we anchor blessings for greater unity and harmony within ourselves and among all beings.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💕💕💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • Feeling connected

    Hand reaching out to the night sky

    Last week, I felt deeply connected to humanity, the planet, and life itself.  I could sense the web of connectedness that links us all together, no matter where we live, and it was profound.

    I hadn’t felt that connection in quite some time.  I remember feeling like that quite often for a few years, and it gave my life a magical and spiritual dimension that I have deeply missed.  The more tired I got, the harder it was to access that connection within and around me.  So much so, that I have felt like I have been missing an important element of my life.

    But then, I was at the grocery store, and I could feel my inner light expanding.  I had a beautiful and fun exchange with an employee, and I felt my sense of connectedness grow.  I smiled at the people shopping and working, and I rejoiced at the return of this important part of me and my life.  The part that knows I am okay no matter what and that I have lots to share despite having chronic fatigue syndrome.

    What amazes me is I reconnected to that part of me through the work I am doing to heal trauma and my nervous system.  I have been learning to call forward the qualities of my deepest self, so I can be a balm to my own wounds, and so I can build trust within myself.  The best part is that I can feel it working.  I still get pulled in extreme directions when triggered, but I am learning to be my own safe space.  I imagine that it will get easier to calm, nurture and support myself as I go on. 

    My greatest desire is to be able to put a hand on my heart, reassure myself, bring myself back to the present, and feel integrated, healed and whole.  I am excited to be able to smile more as I remember the depth of who I am and all I am capable of, and to honour the growth that has come from all that I have survived.

    Thank you to all the people in my life who love me and encourage me, and who remind me how special I am and I am worthy of compassion from myself and others.  I am so grateful for all of you, Robbin, Vale, David 1, Georgette, Carla, Susan, Sonia, Tanya, Jenny, Sandie, David 2, Katie, Patricia, Megan, Nadine, Daniel 1, Tamara, Darren, Katy, Eugene, Raye, Lisa, Romeo, Venezia, Teegan, Greysen, Jen, Markes, Daniel 2, Natalie, Jana, Gavin, Nancy, Mike, Andrea, Danielle, Kat, Taranum. 

    There are others, but each of those special folks has taught me how worthy I am to take time to heal, to be my excellent self, and that it’s okay to be exactly as I am.

    May everyone reading be blessed with caring and wonderful people in their lives too.  And may we all feel how truly connected we all are.  Big hugs,

    Bradlee 💕💕🌸🌸

    A huge circle made of people holding hands

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Each breath

    An aerial view of a forest

    Lately, I have been wondering more about the purpose of life.  The longer I live, 45 years so far, the more I think it is about breathing each breath, being there, as a companion for myself, while I live my life.

    I have lived through so many moments when I have felt desperately alone or sad.  It used to be so hard to survive those times, like I was drowning, but didn’t know how to ask for help.  Now, I am learning to tap the part of me who feels that way on the shoulder, to say, hey, I’m with you, you aren’t alone.  I did that today, and I felt that part of me relax and notice me.  It was a brief connection, but it made a difference.

    I am unlearning, healing, relearning and repeating it all over again so I can thrive again.  I may have chronic fatigue syndrome for the rest of my life, but if I learn new ways to cope and heal physically and mentally, maybe it’ll be easier to be me going forward. For now, I’ll breathe each breath, turn inward and befriend my most hurt parts and hope for the best.

    May you be well.  Thanks for reading 💕.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Being nourished by my own voice

    An art collage I made early in the new year

    It’s been several months since I have written on my blog.  I’ve been having a tough time and have needed (and continue to need) deep quiet time.

    Just this week, I remembered how nourishing it is for me to read my own words.  I was feeling the nudge to write again, which I haven’t felt for some time.

    Writing gives me a chance to spend time with myself, open up wellsprings of thoughts and feelings, and feel myself healing as I let the words flow from and through me.

    I sometimes start writing with a topic in mind and other times, I can feel some pressure or tension that is seeking liberation, and writing often soothes those feelings.

    Over the last 10 years, I’ve been learning about loving myself and being compassionate with myself.  It’s been incredibly rewarding to make changes in my life towards greater self-love and self-compassion.  Recently though, I discovered how hard I was still being on myself and how judgemental I was being. 

    I have struggled with my physical and mental health for most of my life.  I would describe myself as being at rock bottom this year.  And yet, it’s taken being here, at the bottom, to truly see how deep-rooted my self-judgement has been. 

    I have been doing a lot of work in therapy, including art therapy, and its really teaching me how to become an even safer space for myself.  To acknowledge what I have survived, what I learned as a result, and to have compassion for the scars and the pain I have. 

    Late last week, I started feeling like a failure because I haven’t “cured” myself of my debilitating chronic fatigue syndrome.  I’ve had this thought over and over for years.  Through what I learned in art therapy, I finally saw how judgemental that was of me and I chose to give myself more compassion instead.  It’s been a nice change.

    I know there is a long road ahead for me that requires patience, compassion, rest, love and time.  I am finally starting to feel worthy of giving myself all of that and knowing that my life matters even through this time of rock bottom.

    And so I write.  I create art.  I breathe.  I cry.  I rest.  I hear the whispers of my heart and the forest as they guide me.  I complete my disability paperwork and feel all the tough feelings.  I laugh.  I garden.  I sit.  I mourn.  I decompose and wait to see what grows. 

    Thanks for reading ♥️.

    Bright pink lillies

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • The potato turning point

    Potatoes of all shapes and sizes

    I have a beautiful life.  I have the best family, a safe and cozy home, wonderful friends, and many other incredible blessings.

    At the same time, I am exhausted. I am also mentally exhausted from having chronic fatigue syndrome for several years and from trying to make it all work with such limited energy.

    I have done so much to help myself.  I am always open to healing, lessons, and anything that may help me, like therapy, meditation, breath work, time in nature, art therapy, diets, learning about trauma, etc.  But sometimes, life is like, “How about you cry over potatoes as your next greatest lesson and turning point?”

    This past weekend, there were no cooked potatoes left in the fridge.  I am eating on the Whole30 to help keep inflammation down in my body, and I eat potatoes with most meals.  It was breakfast, I was tired and feeling stressed and there were no potatoes. I felt so sad and so deeply alone.  On the face of it, this makes no sense, but it is the truth.  I was so tired, there were no potatoes, and as a result, I felt so sad and lonely. 

    I was peeling potatoes and cutting them and my lovely husband came in the kitchen and I started crying.  I told him how I was feeling, how tired I was and he helped me cook them.  Being so tired that cooking seems like an impossible task makes me feel sad, but that day, it was my reality.  I am quite strong (and a bit scared to appear weak), so sometimes I just keep going instead of asking for help.  The potatoes were my turning point.  They forced me to share my feelings, be vulnerable, and ask for help.

    A week later, I feel better.  My kid is now in charge of potato cooking, and my husband is going to pick up some groceries on his way hone from work when needed.  It was never really about potatoes, but that humble root vegetable helped me feel more seen and validated as I shared my feelings.

    May the little opportunities to make life better and to create connection over isolation and loneliness be abundant in your life.

    With care and hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • A pause

    A tree with orange leaves on the ground all around it, with mist in the background
    A quiet place among the leaves and mist

    The older I have gotten (I am 44), the more I am giving myself permission to pause.  A pause can mean many things, including:

    • Taking a breath before I respond to a person or a situation
    • Deciding that I will get back to a person instead of answering them right away
    • Prioritizing taking care of myself, even if just for a short while, before working through the items on my to do list.

    Am I an expert at pausing?  Sometimes, and sometimes I rush and feel so much pressure that a pause is the last thing I think about. 

    Learning about me from my experiences is the point of working towards a PhD in Being Me.  I am at the school of me, learning every day about how best to take care of myself and honour myself as I live my life.  And to do this with as much kindness, grace, care and love I can possibly give myself, including giving myself a big or little pause when I need it.

    I have had a very narrow window of tolerance for the last several months as I was very stressed out by my life’s circumstances.  I have included a pdf for those new to the window of tolerance concept or how trauma can influence your window of tolerance (I hope it works!)

    Window of ToleranceDownload

    As I take better care of myself, my window of tolerance is increasing.  With that increase, it is getting easier to notice when a pause would benefit me.

    For example, I was annoyed by my dog’s behavior the other day, and I realized that I had other choices than getting really angry or crying.  Just that realization alone was the pause I needed to access more choices within me.  It was like I saw the overwhelmed and tired parts of myself and honoured them with that pause that allowed me to choose how to respond better. 

    Being off work has allowed me to see how much I was just holding on and coping every day, instead of living and thriving.  I know many of us can relate to those words.  If you can, I send you many big hugs, it sure is tough.  No matter where you are in your life, whether you are thriving or just holding on, may there be many more golden pauses available to you, and lots of love, kindness and peace too. 

    With lots of care 💕, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Witnessing myself

    Early morning on a misty road
    A misty morning

    Sometimes I feel lonely.

    Sometimes I feel like I wish I could be seen more deeply and completely.

    Sometimes I feel so tired it’s hard to do much.

    Sometimes I feel like my being is surrounded by mist and I need the sun to rise more to transform it.

    Today feels joyous and celebratory, but heavy with a deep mist that has permeated my being.  It’s amazing how I can feel all of that at once.  Isn’t being a human amazing, miraculous, hard and wild?

    I have decided to start writing more.  When I write, I witness myself, and the heavy mists lessen, like I am my own sunshine, rising up within me, bringing light, new possibilities and strength to myself, just like our sun does for us and our planet.

    As I write this, I can already feel the lightness spreading, reminding me of how okay I am, even when my heart needs extra hugs, and especially when my hurts arise and need me to give myself more love, compassion and support.

    And so, I smile, I write, and I unite within me with every word I type.

    A campfire with low flames
    A slow burn campfire

    Last week, I had a campfire with and for myself.  It started out really blazing, and I decided to take a photo when it was at its slow burn point.  I was really struck by the white logs and the small flames dancing between the logs.  It served as a metaphor for my healing journey.  Every day and year, I grow and heal, not in a bonfire way, but in a slow burn way that allows me to feel, process, integrate and heal.

    Do I ever wish I could just hurry it up and be better faster?  YES!  Definitely. But, I know these wounds have been here for a long time, including from generations past, and I am learning to breathe, to be, to honour my wounded parts, and to hold space for them to heal and integrate fully into my beingness.

    And so I breathe, smile, write and relax.  May this post make you feel seen, witnessed and honoured in all the ways that you need.

    I will sign off wishing you all my best, lots of care, and many opportunities to know and feel how special you are.

    Big hugs,

    Bradlee, and Maggie and Archie, respectively, as seen below

    Me and Maggie, my dog, who has golden red fur with a white face
    Maggie and me
    Me and my dog, Archie, who has golden red fur with a white nose
    Archie and me

  • Inspiration

    Northern Lights in the sky
    The Northern Lights in my backyard

    I find it important lately to find inspiration from all possible sources.  I have been worn down by circumstances in my life, and I have felt how dysregulated my nervous system is and how truly exhausted I have been in all aspects of my being.

    I have taken several months off work to take better care of myself and my family as we navigate these challenges, and it feels amazing.  I am noticing just how tired, anxious and overstimulated I am, and I am paying attention.  It is a true gift to have this time to feel, notice and take care of myself and our family.

    I have been off work for a month, and I am really noticing what a boost I get from inspiring events and things.  For example, I went to my gorgeous niece’s beautiful wedding and it was so heart warming and incredible.  Getting an opportunity to celebrate two people in love made me feel amazing.  It really shows on my face in all of our photos (I am the one with the long hair).

    Photo of me dressed up and smiling
    Photo of me and my husband dressed up and smiling

    Getting to witness the Northern Lights in my own backyard also filled me with awe and wonder at our magnificent planet and cosmos.  Yes, I am one tired, stressed out lady, but the Lights were dancing regardless, and they made me feel wonderful.

    Northern Lights in the sky
    Northern Lights in the sky

    Sometimes, as the sun rises or sets, it just hits the top of the trees, and makes the dew on them sparkle. I love it when that happens!  The other morning, the sun rose and highlighted the spectacular colors of the leaves, while leaving the ground in darkness.

    Trees with yellow and orange leaves in the morning sun

    Life is tough sometimes, and I don’t always like how I feel.  If you are like me and you are grateful for so much, but also so very tired or any other feeling state, I send you a big hug.  May lots of beautiful inspiration come your way and uplift you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Hard times

    A moss covered path through the woods
    A beautiful, safe and enclosed path through the forest in my backyard

    Things have been tough for me lately.  Over the past few months, I have been learning more about trauma, the major impact it’s had on me, and how it is the root of so much of my struggles.

    I have been at low points in my life, but none have felt quite so low as what I felt a few weeks ago.  In an attempt to process and understand my feelings, I wrote these words:

    I am here, learning anew how to hold space for my most vulnerable, broken, victimized and traumatized parts.

    I am here, learning to hold deeper and more compassionate space for the parts of me who have been dragged through life, so terrified of the wounds being created and the deep hurt and fear that stays behind.

    I am here, picking myself up, untying the knots that have kept me bound and frozen, unable to stand and claim my safety.

    I am here, learning to become the safety and presence I have so deeply needed and desired.

    I am here, feeling broken and exhausted, but hopeful for my emergence as all I have ever needed.

    I am here, breathing and smiling, it feels lovely to even dream of finally starting to feel more safe, held and supported, within and outside of me.

    I am here, writing this to show myself how much I matter.

    I am here.

    A lot of my writing has the words, “I am here.”  I think that is because no matter how hard things may be, at least I can still be here with myself.  When I was younger, I didn’t know how to do that, and I spent quite a bit of time numb and disassociated from my experience.

    Learning how to be present through my feelings is a very positive and courageous change, even though it’s uncomfortable and I’d sometimes rather run away.  Instead, I am writing, putting my hand on my heart and saying nice things to myself, and getting support.  No matter what you are going through, I hope you have all the support within and around you to ease your struggles.

    I will end this post by sharing another photo from the forest on the land where I live.  May it soothe your soul.  With so much kindness and care, thanks for reading!

    Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved