PhD in Being Me

Tag: healing

  • Witnessing myself

    Early morning on a misty road
    A misty morning

    Sometimes I feel lonely.

    Sometimes I feel like I wish I could be seen more deeply and completely.

    Sometimes I feel so tired it’s hard to do much.

    Sometimes I feel like my being is surrounded by mist and I need the sun to rise more to transform it.

    Today feels joyous and celebratory, but heavy with a deep mist that has permeated my being.  It’s amazing how I can feel all of that at once.  Isn’t being a human amazing, miraculous, hard and wild?

    I have decided to start writing more.  When I write, I witness myself, and the heavy mists lessen, like I am my own sunshine, rising up within me, bringing light, new possibilities and strength to myself, just like our sun does for us and our planet.

    As I write this, I can already feel the lightness spreading, reminding me of how okay I am, even when my heart needs extra hugs, and especially when my hurts arise and need me to give myself more love, compassion and support.

    And so, I smile, I write, and I unite within me with every word I type.

    A campfire with low flames
    A slow burn campfire

    Last week, I had a campfire with and for myself.  It started out really blazing, and I decided to take a photo when it was at its slow burn point.  I was really struck by the white logs and the small flames dancing between the logs.  It served as a metaphor for my healing journey.  Every day and year, I grow and heal, not in a bonfire way, but in a slow burn way that allows me to feel, process, integrate and heal.

    Do I ever wish I could just hurry it up and be better faster?  YES!  Definitely. But, I know these wounds have been here for a long time, including from generations past, and I am learning to breathe, to be, to honour my wounded parts, and to hold space for them to heal and integrate fully into my beingness.

    And so I breathe, smile, write and relax.  May this post make you feel seen, witnessed and honoured in all the ways that you need.

    I will sign off wishing you all my best, lots of care, and many opportunities to know and feel how special you are.

    Big hugs,

    Bradlee, and Maggie and Archie, respectively, as seen below

    Me and Maggie, my dog, who has golden red fur with a white face
    Maggie and me
    Me and my dog, Archie, who has golden red fur with a white nose
    Archie and me

  • Inspiration

    Northern Lights in the sky
    The Northern Lights in my backyard

    I find it important lately to find inspiration from all possible sources.  I have been worn down by circumstances in my life, and I have felt how dysregulated my nervous system is and how truly exhausted I have been in all aspects of my being.

    I have taken several months off work to take better care of myself and my family as we navigate these challenges, and it feels amazing.  I am noticing just how tired, anxious and overstimulated I am, and I am paying attention.  It is a true gift to have this time to feel, notice and take care of myself and our family.

    I have been off work for a month, and I am really noticing what a boost I get from inspiring events and things.  For example, I went to my gorgeous niece’s beautiful wedding and it was so heart warming and incredible.  Getting an opportunity to celebrate two people in love made me feel amazing.  It really shows on my face in all of our photos (I am the one with the long hair).

    Photo of me dressed up and smiling
    Photo of me and my husband dressed up and smiling

    Getting to witness the Northern Lights in my own backyard also filled me with awe and wonder at our magnificent planet and cosmos.  Yes, I am one tired, stressed out lady, but the Lights were dancing regardless, and they made me feel wonderful.

    Northern Lights in the sky
    Northern Lights in the sky

    Sometimes, as the sun rises or sets, it just hits the top of the trees, and makes the dew on them sparkle. I love it when that happens!  The other morning, the sun rose and highlighted the spectacular colors of the leaves, while leaving the ground in darkness.

    Trees with yellow and orange leaves in the morning sun

    Life is tough sometimes, and I don’t always like how I feel.  If you are like me and you are grateful for so much, but also so very tired or any other feeling state, I send you a big hug.  May lots of beautiful inspiration come your way and uplift you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Hard times

    A moss covered path through the woods
    A beautiful, safe and enclosed path through the forest in my backyard

    Things have been tough for me lately.  Over the past few months, I have been learning more about trauma, the major impact it’s had on me, and how it is the root of so much of my struggles.

    I have been at low points in my life, but none have felt quite so low as what I felt a few weeks ago.  In an attempt to process and understand my feelings, I wrote these words:

    I am here, learning anew how to hold space for my most vulnerable, broken, victimized and traumatized parts.

    I am here, learning to hold deeper and more compassionate space for the parts of me who have been dragged through life, so terrified of the wounds being created and the deep hurt and fear that stays behind.

    I am here, picking myself up, untying the knots that have kept me bound and frozen, unable to stand and claim my safety.

    I am here, learning to become the safety and presence I have so deeply needed and desired.

    I am here, feeling broken and exhausted, but hopeful for my emergence as all I have ever needed.

    I am here, breathing and smiling, it feels lovely to even dream of finally starting to feel more safe, held and supported, within and outside of me.

    I am here, writing this to show myself how much I matter.

    I am here.

    A lot of my writing has the words, “I am here.”  I think that is because no matter how hard things may be, at least I can still be here with myself.  When I was younger, I didn’t know how to do that, and I spent quite a bit of time numb and disassociated from my experience.

    Learning how to be present through my feelings is a very positive and courageous change, even though it’s uncomfortable and I’d sometimes rather run away.  Instead, I am writing, putting my hand on my heart and saying nice things to myself, and getting support.  No matter what you are going through, I hope you have all the support within and around you to ease your struggles.

    I will end this post by sharing another photo from the forest on the land where I live.  May it soothe your soul.  With so much kindness and care, thanks for reading!

    Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Reconnecting to myself

    A bright orange sky with deep blue.
    Photo by NO NAME on Pexels.com

    Sometimes I hear my voice inside me and it’s loud and clear.

    Other times it’s like there is so much noise from the world that is making it harder to know who I am and where I stand.

    Today, I went for a walk in the woods and I heard the noise. I felt the worries. I wondered where I had gone to in the crowded space of my being. I felt like I was on auto-pilot, just continuing onwards despite missing myself and wondering where I was.

    I really didn’t like that feeling, so I choked on a sob and spoke nicely to myself.

    I said, hey, whether all of this belongs to me or the world, I love you.

    No matter how overwhelmed, shattered, broken, scattered, afraid and numb you feel, I am with you.

    I thought of how complicated life can be, as well as how miraculous it can be, and I decided to care for myself no matter how I was experiencing it today. I remember saying something like, hey, whether you see the world from a glass half full or half empty perspective, I love you and you super matter to me.

    It seemed to simplify everything and made me feel calmer. Writing about my experiences and how full life is lately is really helpful too. It’s easy to think that everyone else has it good, and by writing, I aim to make others feel less alone in feeling things deeply. It also helps me feel less alone too, because I get to shine the light of my attention on my fears, worries and overwhelm.

    Where do you need some light today?

    If it’s for your heart, I send you much comfort, love, security, protection, caring and love.

    If it’s for your mind, I send you deep breaths, smiles, quiet, peace and serenity.

    If it’s for your body, I send you much balance, healing, nourishment and rejuvenation.

    If it’s for your spirit, I send you big high fives, because no matter what, you are rocking it, even if all you want to do is curl up in a ball. You’re here. You matter. I am cheering you on and smiling with you and for you.

    With every breath you take for the rest of today and the rest of your days, may you know how special you are and that you matter, even if you are having a hard time or life just isn’t going your way.

    I honour you and wish you super well.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved.

    ps. I used AI to generate the two images below. I’ve never done that before! The first one is my favorite and really represents what I wanted to convey to you, from my heart to yours.

    A solid red heart with angel wings.
    A pink sparkling heart with rainbow lights inside it.

  • Sometimes

    Artwork of brown sand moving to blue ocean.

    It is okay to slow down.

    It is okay to rest.

    It is okay not to compare oneself to others.

    It is okay (and a good idea) to smile when feeling down.

    It is okay to need help, to eat what doesn’t make you feel the best, and to laugh at the irony of life.

    Sometimes, we just can’t keep up anymore and we need to laugh at how hard we’ve been trying without even understanding why we’ve needed to.

    This is me today.  I am feeling quite physically exhausted with chronic fatigue syndrome but somehow much lighter emotionally. 

    Sometimes when I am this tired, I get more anxious and teary.  That was how I felt yesterday, whereas today has started with some smiles, some self-validation and some light heartedness.

    Sometimes I just do the best I can and other times, I stop trying and relax more into myself, exactly as I am, and that brings me peace.  I also made a wise choice to start my day with a super healing meditation for trauma.

    No matter how you are feeling, even if you feel you are making all the wrong choices (I know that feeling!), I support and honour you.  There is definitely no one right way to live a life, so may you find little or big ways to celebrate and cheer yourself on as you live your unique experience.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Sitting with disappointment – a poem

    A winding path through the dense forest
    Photo by Anton Atanasov on Pexels.com

    Sitting with disappointment

    Here I am.
    Disappointed.

    I know disappointment is a part of life.
    I know that others will disappoint me
    And I will disappoint them.
    It doesn’t make it any easier when I’m feeling disappointed though.

    So here I am.
    Disappointed and writing about it.
    Writing about it helps me to be with my disappointment.
    To keep it company and to let it know
    That it is completely valid and allowed to be here.
    It also allows me to acknowledge that I am a human,
    And those who have brought on these feelings are human too.

    And with that, the sting of the disappointment lessens.
    We all do what we can and if it creates disappointment for us or others
    Then, maybe that’s okay.
    Maybe what’s really needed is to learn how to be with these uncomfortable feelings,
    With the “what if,” or “maybe this is why,” and the “only ifs.”

    To all of those who I have hurt, shamed, disappointed or angered, I am truly sorry.
    For you, and for me, I will sit with this disappointment and hold myself.
    I will honour my feelings and know that a caring smile directed towards my heart can help.
    A deep breath into my belly can help.
    Writing can help.
    And so can keeping myself company and loving each emotion as it arises.

    May you be well.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved

  • The burden I carry

    A hand holding up a lit up light bulb against a starry sky
    Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com

    I have become more aware of the emotional wounds I have lately. Over the last several years, I have often felt very heavy, tired and weighed down. It’s like I am carrying a heavy load that is made up of all the past hurts and traumatic events in my life. Some days, I don’t even notice the weight and other times I am so very aware of the load I am carrying and it feels like a tremendous burden.

    In the past, I wanted to ignore or push away that burden. I wanted nothing to do with it and I did everything I could to try to “magic” it away through various healing modalities. Here I am, several years later, and I am much older, wiser and kinder to myself, but I am still carrying this emotional weight.

    This afternoon on a walk, it came to me that it is okay to carry this burden. It is a very valid burden to carry. It represents my pain and trauma, and those of my ancestors. I am carrying it for all of us, and I will continue to carry it, hold it and witness what it has to share for as long as is necessary. This emotional burden is no different than having an injured knee, hip or shoulder. You can’t see me physically limping or adjusting how I hold a physical burden, but I am carrying it nonetheless.

    And maybe it isn’t actually a burden? Maybe the fact that I am aware of these emotional wounds and weight automatically converts it from something that is a burden to carry to something I can be honoured to carry for myself, for my family and for those who came before me? Maybe in my family, we’ve been carrying it for a long time and I will have the opportunity to break any cycles of abuse, neglect, hurt and harm, but not before carrying it, understanding it, nurturing it and thanking it.

    Those are a lot of maybes, but they feel like good maybes. Maybe today is the day where I see things differently, from a burden to an honour, and from that place, only good can come? Just this week, I started seeing a therapist to better understand trauma, intergenerational trauma, the effect trauma has on our brains and bodies, and to learn how I can better nurture myself. I am excited, scared, nervous and ready. Maybe this post reflects all of those feelings?

    No matter where you are in your journey of tending to and caring for your emotional wounds and burdens, I send you many blessings of care, respect, peace and deep, deep healing. May your heart be light and may you be well.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Under the ice

    Broken chunks of ice floating in water

    Last week, I wrote a post that had me full of inspiration. I was feeling like I had been in a metaphorical block of ice and I was enjoying the process of melting.  I was feeling free, energized and whole, and it was glorious.

    But, the melting didn’t stop there.  Instead, I started feeling more numb, frozen and fragile. I realized that there was still more metaphorical melting that hadn’t happened yet. Instead, I was feeling what was still frozen under the surface layer of ice. 

    It’s fascinating trying to explain what my inner life is like. I am very sensitive and self-aware, and sometimes, it can be very overwhelming, including this time around.

    So, I went for a walk in the woods and cried.  I walked some more and cried more. I wasn’t sure what to do or how to hold space for these frozen states of my beingness.  And so, I admitted that to myself and asked for guidance about how I could help myself.

    After the walk, I found myself inspired to do some outdoor chores and move my body around a lot. I did that yesterday too.  This morning the feelings got more intense, like they were amplifying, and I felt myself wanting to keep busy so I could distract myself. Luckily, I noticed and sat with my discomfort and talked to my lovely husband about it.  All of that helped.

    Under the ice, there was more that needed my care and attention. I needed to witness those feelings and be with them as they thawed from that frozen place.  I don’t expect this to be the last time I will do this for myself, and I imagine it will feel and be different every time.

    This week taught me to be more compassionate, gentle and patient with myself, even though all I wanted was to run away from myself.  The spring equinox has passed and it has guided me through my own spring equinox. 

    May this post help all readers who are in need of some self-compassion to turn within and be a witness to their vulnerability. 

    Thanks for reading. May you be well.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Melting

    A tray of ice cubes with flames on top.

    This morning when I woke up, I thought of melting.

    I had an image in my mind of me being in an ice block and how I have been thawing out and melting away those layers of hardness and rigidity that I was aware of but couldn’t just push or wish away.  It appears I needed to deeply feel my pain and the resulting rigidity, and I needed time to process, rest and heal.

    Sometimes in the spring, as everything thaws, I feel very exposed and vulnerable.  This makes sense, as I have been going through a lot of emotional healing and turmoil.  So when I woke up and saw that imagery in my mind of melting ice, I felt great.  It made me feel like I have survived a very delicate and difficult time in my life and that I am emerging from a frozen and in process-type of state.

    As with all feelings, I tend to think it’s going to last forever.  Like when I was so sick a few weeks ago, I was sure I was never going to get better.  And today, I feel reborn and renewed, and I want this feeling to last forever.  I honour that desire, as who wouldn’t want to feel great more often than not?! 

    I believe that’s where I am learning to cultivate more compassion for myself.  Compassion for the one who wants constancy, and good health.  For the one who loves feeling empowered over broken down yet again.  For the one who wants to pre-select aspects of my human experience, as opposed to being open to experiencing it all, no matter if it’s what I would choose or not.

    Wherever you are in your human experience, I honour you, no matter if you’re feeling broken down or uplifted.  I have found new courage and trust in life and in myself this morning, after many years of feeling super delicate, broken and deeply sad.  Maybe the glory of what I am feeling today is in direct proportion to the depth of the pain and difficulty I have experienced?  I don’t really know, but I hope my sharing helps you feel seen, witnessed and cared for, no matter what your inner and outer circumstances of life are.

    With love, Bradlee ♥️

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Changing landscapes

    An intensely bright pink, early morning sky
    Early morning glory

    Today is the last day of 2023, and I am feeling self-reflective.

    I have long wanted to write about how the view outside of my front window changes depending on the time of day and the weather and season. The photo above is from early in the morning last week. I awoke to a warm pink glow through the curtains and I jumped up to grab my camera to capture the spectacular glory that I got the honour to witness.

    Early dawn light shining through trees on a cold winter morning.
    The same view on a different morning

    This photo is of the same view on a different day and is still lovely. The changing view reminds me that I don’t have to expect myself to always be the same. I may be able to shine my light brightly one day, and other days, it may still be bright, but shining at a different intensity, or perhaps more inward.

    I love how the view outside my window teaches me to treat myself with more compassion and gentleness. I don’t expect the view out of my window to be the same every day, so why would I expect that of myself?

    Even in the early, early morning, the view out of my window is spectacular. May that help us all to know how lovely we all are, even on days where we don’t feel our best or things aren’t going the way we hoped or needed them to.

    We learn different things through all the ways we feel and show up each day, and none are better or worse. They just are.

    Dark, early morning sky, with a few stars and clouds.
    Dark, early morning sky, with a few stars and clouds.
    Dark, early morning sky, with a few stars and clouds
    The same view very early on a different morning

    So whether you are ready to seize the last day of 2023, or if you just want to stay in bed, you are lovely.

    Whether this has been a disastrous or painful year for you, or if you’ve had some fun through the hard times, I see you.

    No matter the changing landscape of circumstances and feelings in your life, you are very worthy of being seen and validated.

    May the changing view out your window remind you that change is guaranteed in our lives.

    May we all relax into change more freely and let go of judgment and expectations around who we should be at any moment and rest in how we are, with self-respect, love and care.

    May you be well. Thanks for reading and big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.