PhD in Being Me

Tag: healing

  • The Breaking Point

    Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

    I’ve been feeling more of my power coming to the forefront of my inner world lately and it’s been wonderful.  Today I had an experience that deeply insulted, offended and angered me.  After it was over, I felt like I was in shock, and I needed time to settle back into myself.  I was in shock over how rude, insensitive and condescending people can be, and how so many others seem to support that type of behavior.  I have been a human for 43 years now, and the more I open my heart and lead with my vulnerability, the more I am shocked and appalled by the worst aspects of humanity. 

    Shortly afterwards, I had to excuse myself in order to cry and let my feelings out.  I remember wanting to rationalize and justify things to myself, instead I chose to love the one who needed to break down and shed many tears.  That felt so much better to me, to just give myself permission to be overcome with emotion and to embrace the one who felt trampled and abused.  As the day went on, I continued to embrace and hold space for my precious innocence as I grieved and felt the shock.  I really felt like I got further in getting a PhD in Being Me today.

    As the day went on, I got angry.  I learned how my anger is a way to respond to a pretty intense violation of my precious inner space and outer boundaries.  I started cherishing that anger and I could see images in my mind of me becoming a dragon and breathing flames everywhere, not in a destructive way, but in a powerful, “not again” way.  Writing this is one of the things I am choosing to do to honor myself today, and the sadness that I continue to feel under that anger that is giving me the strength to advocate for myself and to prevent this from happening again.

    I’m still not sure what my next steps are, but I know now that I’ve been growing and I have new tools and new awareness to honor, protect and nurture myself.  I have come very, very, very far in this way.  I remember the days when my only options were to shut down, cry in my choicelessness/helplessness or to deepen my victimhood.  If you resonate with those ways of being, I see you.  I also super honor you.  It is so hard to be choiceless, to feel like a victim and to live from a shut down place.  With every word you read on this blog, may you know that I believe in you.  May you be blessed with all you need to heal from trauma, abuse and other atrocities you’ve experienced and may you be surrounded with a blanket of peace, healing and protection while you heal. 

    Let’s breathe fire together and burn down (metaphorically 😊) all that no longer serves humanity.

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Finding My Power

    Image of flames

    I have been scared and intimidated by anger in the past.  I have also been wanting to get to know my anger and to create more space for it within me.

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome.  Over the last several years, I have hated myself for it, resented, blamed and berated myself and my body for it. I have also lost myself in efforts to “get rid of it” so I could get back to my life without it.  I have tried many ways to heal, those that honored me and my precious body and those that were just a means to an end.

    This past week I thought to myself that I would just stop.  Just stop trying to get better, to overcome this and just be me regardless of whether I like having chronic fatigue or not.  It felt very nice, like I could finally relax and just be.  Ironically then, yesterday I met two people who offered me suggestions of other options or paths I could take. At first it felt nice to have more hope but a few hours later I felt angry. I felt it traveling up the right side of my body, burning.  I felt it and I knew. 

    This is my power.  This anger is me saying enough, reminding me that I am the one with the power to make my own decisions, the only one who can choose to stop trying and just be.  The one who can appreciate that there may be other avenues to explore but who needs a rest from exploring.  As I type this, I feel incredibly empowered and accepting of myself. I don’t feel like I am giving up on myself. If anything, my anger has led me to a deeper sense of home, acceptance and belonging within me.

    It’s 3:54am and I felt so moved by my anger that I needed to type this out.  I had just woken up 25 minutes ago to use the washroom and I felt so full of thoughts that I decided to breathe and allow my breath to empty me out so I could go back to sleep. I felt dizzy with how overflowing I was with thoughts but then I remembered the beautiful anger I had felt while brushing my teeth before bed and I reclaimed my power again and starting typing.  Now I feel like I am my own super hero with a calm mind and heart.  I am here, loving and honoring myself and my need “to be” instead of “pursue”.

    Will I ever try other ways to heal my chronic fatigue? Absolutely.  When will I start that exploration?  When the time feels right.

    Thank you my beautiful mind, body and heart for all you do. And thank you anger for teaching me to honor my needs and boundaries and for guiding me to my inner peace and power. No matter where you are in your life and what you are dealing with, may you be blessed with so much inner power, strength, inspiration and peace.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Some things take time – my first poetry book and a new poem

    Book cover image. Title of book, "From My Heart to Yours, poems to support you in times of grief, loss and transition." Includes image of a beautiful field with the sky and clouds.

    I have been writing poetry for several years now. Writing has helped and guided me through periods of massive personal growth. It has also helped me learn to connect with myself and learn to become an expert in taking care of myself.

    I kept my writing in a drawer for quite awhile. When I slowly and shyly started sharing it with others, I started understanding how powerful my words were. And how they contained so much healing and acceptance.

    I am so grateful to be able to transform my life experiences into poetry; lately I have been feeling the depth of my poetry’s alchemy. I feel its power to help heal, guide and validate others and I am humbled and grateful. And so, I am sharing the exciting news that I have published my first book of poems about grief, loss and transition. I am donating the proceeds to the Beth Donovan Hospice to thank them for all they did for me after my mom passed unexpectedly in February 2019. It is my hope that it brings peace, comfort and healing to all those who need it 💕. I invite you to learn more here:

    Poetry Book

    I offer this new poem in honor of you and all the pain, heartache, grief and loss it has included. It is dedicated to my beautiful friend Carla ❤️. She has inspired me to know that no matter how agonizingly slow my personal growth and ability to self-love have seemed, it is okay. Some things take time.

    Some things take time

    “We don’t judge a fetus in utero for how long it takes until it is ready to be born.
    We don’t rush a flower to hurry up and bloom while the petals are still forming.
    We don’t expect a toddler to write a PhD thesis or to be able to drive a car.

    So why do we rush ourselves through our healing?
    Why do we judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at?

    Some things take time. 
    The exact amount of time until they are ready, not because they are slow, doing anything wrong or broken.
    But just because that’s the amount of time they need.

    If you are frustrated, angry or overwhelmed by the length, depth and breadth of your healing journey, I am with you.
    I have felt like this for the last 10 years.
    What I woke up this morning with is this,
    ‘Some things take time.’
    I feel like there is so much truth in that.

    Maybe if we can be with ourselves and sit in our discomfort and pain, we wouldn’t judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at.
    Maybe if our culture didn’t value doing over being, we would all expect a long period of healing in our lives and we would know that some things take time.
    Whatever the reasons, what matters is this:
    You are valid no matter what is going on in your life.
    You matter even if you have been in a tough spot for what feels like 100 years too long.
    You are a precious treasure even if you feel as worthless as the gum under a school desk or as gross as poop stuck to a shoe.
    You are special even if you have been crying, yelling, grieving, hating or fearing for longer than you ever wanted to.
    With each breath you take today and every day, may all cycles of abuse within your life and those around you be completely healed and resolved.
    With every judgement, may you love yourself more than ever before.
    With every moment you choose to be instead of do, may our societal expectations of value from doing be completely healed and transformed.

    Some things take time.
    You are worthy of all the time you need.
    Breathe in and know, you matter.
    Take your time dear one, take your time.”

    Thanks for reading. I love and honor you exactly as you are. Some things take time, even publishing poetry books, writing blogs, or having the strength to become an expert in yourself. I super get it and I am with you!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved

  • RAGE

    Photo by moein moradi on Pexels.com

    RAGE – a poem

    Rage.

    It burns under my skin.

    It fills up my throat and threatens to erupt in screams.

    Rage.

    It wants me to yell, scream, swear and throw things.

    Rage.

    It makes me feel powerful enough that I can breathe flames and roar so the whole world can hear me. 

    Rage.

    It is a gift.  

    It tells me when I need to do something for me and signals when I may be overgiving or forgetting to take care of my own needs.

    Rage.

    It scares me and empowers me all at once.  

    Rage.

    It gave me the energy and power to re-order my website today instead of being such a victim to my circumstances.

    Rage.

    It came to me today to say, “hey you chose to make lunch for your family right when you were in the middle of something that you were really enjoying.  You can chose you first, your family knows you love them to the farthest reaches of the universe.”

    Rage.

    My friend.  My guide.  

    A censored part of me that I really want to get to know better.

    Rage.

    Hey Rage…I want to hang out with you and really get what you’re here to teach me.

    Want to be a more welcome and included part of my life, instead of being relegated to the deepest, darkest parts of myself that I never visit?

    Do you want to explore together so we can both life in more balanced and healthy and empowered ways?  

    Ya?  

    Awesome.  

    Thanks Rage, you’re the best.  I don’t know why it took me so long to get you and to really feel and hear you.  

    Thanks for waiting for me.  

    Photo by Muffin Creatives on Pexels.com

    A note from me about this poem: It felt so good to write this. It felt good to acknowledge my rage and to get to know it better the more words I wrote. I really look forward to honoring my feelings of rage more and to make space for me to feel them. Okay, I may also be looking forward to throwing some sticks on my abundantly large property where no one can get hurt. May we all be open to what our emotions, even the unpleasant ones, are here to teach us. Big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Messages in the wind

    Messages in the wind

    I live in Kemptville, Ontario, Canada and right now, it is fall.  Fall is such a gorgeous season.  It’s a time when our trees explode into gorgeous bright colors, almost like a celebration before the depth of slumber during winter.  I love fall.  It’s a time of transition, of nature celebrating her glory and beauty and the air is so crisp and fresh.  I feel like the wind carries different messages in the fall; messages of reassurance, strength and empowerment to help us through winter.

    Winter can be such a time of quiet, reflection, self-care and cocooning and fall is the turning point.  We’re at the point in fall now where there is still so much beauty, colour and bird song that fills our ears, eyes and hearts.  For whatever reason, even as the leaves fall off the trees, I don’t usually feel sad.  I feel full of hope, possibility and power.  Because of this, I look to nature for inspiration to confirm and deepen these feelings.

    Beautiful Maggie leading the way through the forest

    I live on a precious piece of land that has 12 acres of forest.  The other day, as I was crunching through leaves on the paths in the woods, I thought about how full the forest is at this time.  Despite the fact that the leaves will all fall off, the forest feels like it wants to showcase it’s beauty and splendor.  I find that fascinating.  Even though a temporary death will be occurring, there is such celebration in the air.  I have been stopping to look up at all the leaves, with their bright colors of red, gold, yellow, orange and green, and I’ve been drinking in their celebration.  I can feel it nourishing me deep in my soul. 

    A beautiful cluster of trees showcasing their colorful transformation

    I’ve been looking for other signs of inspiration too, not just from the trees and their gorgeous canopies above me, but on the ground.  This fall season, I have been more fascinated by the mushrooms in the forest.  Mushrooms burst up from the decay on the forest floor.  They are born from what is decomposing, they have short lives, and some of them are poisonous or deadly.  I saw these mushrooms the other day, and they reminded me of me. 

    There they are, emerging from under a bed of pine needs, just like I am emerging from so much transformation, healing and pain.  Those mushrooms gave me so much strength – they were born from decomposition. I am being rebirthed in this phase of my life, what is no longer serving me is decomposing and is fueling the me who is emerging.  How glorious.  I can draw inspiration from the trees who are celebrating what is leaving, and do the same.  I am like the trees and the mushrooms.

    I had the privilege to meet with an Indigenous Elder many years ago at a lodge.  I had been getting messages from seagulls and learning more about our connection to the Earth and I asked for some guidance about how to move forward with my new connections.  He taught me about how the Creator has given us everything we need and that there are messages for us everywhere.  I love being rested and open enough to hear the whispers in the wind and to be able to receive them and their gifts in my heart. 

    In a future post, I’ll share about the various messages I have received from birds. In the meantime, may you feel and be so loved each and every day, no matter what type of transformation you may be going through.  May you also be blessed to receive the messages that our beautiful Earth Mother shares with us through all of her gorgeous and precious creations. 

    I find these look like sea shells!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • PhD in Being Me – In Action!

    The Lovemobile

    Over the last few years, I have been feeling a growing desire within me to uplift humanity, to make people smile, and to help them feel seen and heard. As a part of this, I was inspired to transform my car into a Lovemobile. I feel good knowing that wherever I drive my car, I am anchoring blessings of compassion, love, acceptance and acknowledgement for people!

    Getting into my car makes me feel so good, so I figure I’m on the right path. I love it when people give me air hugs or thumbs up and I send extra blessings of love to those who turn away from it.

    May seeing these images inspire you to learn more about who you are, what your needs are and what you can do to become the most highly educated expert on being you!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Nothing Wrong

    A chalkboard with the numbers 1 plus 1 equals 3.
    Photo by George Becker on Pexels.com

    Today I had a very important realization. It aligns perfectly with what I have been learning as I’m working towards a PhD in Being Me and it was startling in its simplicity. Here it is:

    “I’m not doing anything wrong. My life is happening exactly the way it needs to, and not because I’ve messed something up.”

    Bradlee Zrudlo

    Here’s how it came about…I have chronic fatigue syndrome. I have been tired for several years now and it is a lot to manage, especially when I overthink things or get too tired to think rationally. Anyway, this morning, I should have been tired. I had a super late night going to the hospital emergency room after finding a tick on me and I only slept for 4 hours. Normally, that would have destroyed me, like I would have been so sensitive to noise, energy, or any type of stimulation, but all day, I have felt fine. I caught myself thinking, “what must I have done differently to not feel so awful after so little sleep,” and that is when I had the realization. The realization that I am not doing anything wrong.

    I don’t have chronic fatigue syndrome because I am doing anything wrong. I am not a sensitive, empathic, easily stressed person because I am doing anything wrong. I am not doing anything wrong. In fact, my life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, to help me to learn, grow, evolve and maybe just to get to this realization, that I am not doing anything wrong.

    I have told myself I’m not doing anything wrong before, but this was different. This came from a wise place inside of me and it was like every cell and fibre of my being was resonating with how great I am, as opposed to wondering what I messed up this time or what I should be doing differently.

    Ahhhh, the sweet liberation of a realization that was a long time coming. I know there will be more and I may get this message that I am not doing anything wrong even deeper into my beingness. For now though, yay! I am not doing anything wrong. I am exactly as I need to be and I’m at exactly the right place in my life, not for any reason, but just because. The universe, God, the Great Creator, they all made me exactly this way, and they don’t come and tell me all the things I’ve done wrong. If anything, they are all rooting for me and it’s my turn to join the party and celebrate the wonderful person I am.

    May you be healed and liberated from your limiting beliefs about yourself and may you know how truly beautiful, perfect, healed and whole you already are. Big hugs!!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.